Broken Thoughts… Every Where I Go…

Spitting blood, where is it that it comes from
Dying to figure out love
Missed the sun rise one last time
How is it that I’m not dead?
Spending time, where is it that I’ve gone
Fighting to understand pain
Lost track of the absent days
How is it that I’m even alive?

 

People are often hurtful before they say what they mean

 

Dragging myself through hell once again
Your unholy eyes staring me down
How long can we play this game
How long can we live in sin
Testing the limits every day
Your serrated grin made of lies and deceit
No one ever said this was it
But we both know this is all there will ever be

 

I love you but some days I just want to hold your head under water and pray for more rain.

 

Taking the long way home
Stuck between doing it and not
Ripping out my eyes
Tearing out my heart
Drink the blood to understand why
A shit taste of everything I’ve hidden
Fuck it
Destroy it
Who the fuck cares anymore
Pulling out my hair
Renting out my soul
Eat what’s left of me
A shit taste and a mouth full of lies
Take my hand and I’ll lead you to
A place called home

 

“I want to be buried in this jacket so it can keep me warm in hell”… It is a pretty amazing jacket… just saying… 

 

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I don’t have much to say… but I found this when reviewing my notes… 

The amount of fucking walking is ridiculous…

 

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(This wouldn’t center…)

Broken Thoughts… Swinging For The Fences…

What the fuck am I even doing
Digging ditches called memories
It’s all pointless so why
Do I feel the need to cry
The reason to breath, fucking seething
Unhappy and I don’t know why
Pointless, but here we go
Another day waking and waiting
Here we go another day
Believing everything will be fine
Here we go one more fucking day
Feeling like this

 

Clapping along to a death song
I’ve known all along

 

Go ahead and smile
Really I don’t care
Stabbing you in the face
Will only be easier
Please, no, be you
Distant memories while I dance on
Your grave

 

Gearing up for the ass fuck of the century
A daily grind one upped every night
(Takes a bow)

 

Your insecurities rub up against me
A broken down thought, in need of a lobotomy
Toxic nervousness that surrounds us all
Thought provoking image drench in tears
Worldliness verbiage that makes no sense
You’ve gone and turned my mind inside out

 

“America’s problem is that we are so afraid of outside forces that we forget we are the outside force”…

 

I don’t have time to fail
A constant push to get myself out of here
Lost dream taken over by regret

 

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I’m still on vacation… for how long?… no idea… but I will be checking in and out through  out the month… hopefully by December… I can get back into some sort of routine… What have you been up to?… How have you been?… Hope all is well… 

Layne Ambrose
11/12/18

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Nothing Ever Changes…. Growing Old At The Thought…

Defying death the thing I’ve become
Say a prayer for all that you know
Silence falls on your prayer
Beyond my control
Beyond my understanding
Only human, you know what I know
Murder, fucking death
Respond  to the sins I understand
Look to the past, words
Existence I’ve failed to understand

Education was always the plan
Lost on the insecure, lost on the damned
How fucking big is your ass?

Education was always meant to sustain
A plan no one understands
Ignorance sown within our souls
Fuck your thoughts, bull shit plans
Mob rule, mob mentality
I’m owed mine, I’m owed yours
Selfish fuck that I’ve always claimed to be
The reality only a thing
Laughing at your pain
Because the realization is all too late
Sucking on the tail pipe
Slashing away, jerking off to the thought
That all of this makes no sense

Bury me with it
Bury me with all that I know
Lies, words, Santa Clause was real
Until it wasn’t 
Your parents were assholes
Honest, but still
Fucked since the word go
Hug them, love them, tried their best
Wrong, only human
I’m them, I never wanted to
Suffocating through what I know

Could blame them but know that I am them
Love them more than before
What you should know
We are all trying to hold on
Embrace them, don’t shun them
Why are we here?
Don’t ask them, suffering together
Sad fucking realization
Thank them, not me, for fucking trying

Santa Clause is real, god, everything they thought
Lost in all of this, a life I’m not willing to admit
Smashing my skull against a wall
Killing myself for everything they thought
An epic about nothing at all

Embrace everything you thought
Not special at all
The vision not what we thought
Same as we were anyway
All I was trying to say
Love them all the same

 

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Our parents are all they could be… our parents our us… fight it… believe I am wrong… but know… your parents fuck… your parents have thoughts… your parents are us after all… eww I know… gross… shake off the thought… but know you aren’t a freak… wonder if they feel like you?…  they do… no other reason… than they are human… This whole thing is a shit show… welcome to the stage… smile… let’s move the fuck on… need advice?… ask those around you… it will be awkward… believe me when I say that’s what it means to be an adult… believe me when I say they feel the same…

Shhh… you wanted the secret… well the secret was fucking lame… : )… not trying to be a dick… just saying… not trying to make you throw up… but let’s be honest… your parents have always felt the same… mind-blowing… fucking crazy… hug them all the same… because they did this… dealt with this all… long before you could ever think… fucking heroes… martyrs to the cause of it all… good or bad… they tried their fucking best… what else could you ever ask of them after all?… that’s love… Think about it… come back to me… when you understand… been there for years… just sinking in… Not original… only a copy… excuse me as I throw up at the thought… only human after all… haha… never been better than you… Never been better than the heroes I’ve loved… only human… hard at the thought… embrace my part… embrace who I am after all… why the fuck do you listen to me at all?… 

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Thoughts… comments…. leave them because all of this is fucking insane… just want to get better… don’t care about words like fame… money… I just want to sustain… so if that means negativity… if that means pain…  only want to get better… only want a reason to live… don’t care how lame… this is all I got out side of family… going to try whether or not you feel the same… all I ever wanted was to find people who feel the same… people to make me better… been a selfish ass… before I knew your name… hate me… I love you all the same… I love you for fucking being you… thank you… let the lead out… hurt no one but Know I Can Take It… maybe My Only Purpose… : )  

 

Broken Thoughts… More Than I Need…

Constant like a fucking child
Driven under
Driven to live
A mindless existence
Shut the fuck up
Then maybe, you’d be right
Tape my mouth shut
Torture me, make me feel something
Nothing different then the way
It is supposed to be
Cut my limbs, nail them to a tree
Same as it is supposed to be
I wish you’d do onto me
As I wished for you

 

Looking to destroy more than myself
Line up, take you out one by one
I know it is what you always wanted
I know you have always wanted to win
Judge ourselves not by what we’ve done
But what we wish to have been

 

Kill myself slowly
Life or what I’ve been told
I hold each word against me
A lie I’ve been told
Loved you more than I’ve loved myself
Locked in a world, that I can not win
I’d fuck you sooner than you can fuck me
A worthless fuck I see myself in
The reflection that I see
Desiring action, desire to see myself
Always been the asshole
A sin I hide myself in
Taking what I want
Believing what I want to believe
A whore I see myself in
Cult of personality, I could never win
Unless you let me
Being drunk is a sin
An escape I find myself in
Fuck you, if you ever thought you could win
A running thought inside my head
My thoughts run off
Digging a ditch I call my grave
A home I hold within
I’m so done, a struggle within,  you win

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Remorse is for the dead… all that needs to be said… still alive?… then you already know what needs to be done.. what there is left to say… keep going on with me… we will figure all of this out at a later time… 

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At Least That’s A Start…

The Drugs Aren’t Helping, Take Two A Day

Doing nothing drives the sanest insane
Bring me some new pain
I know I can take it
At all costs, it has to be this way
In the darkest holes I have found
I’ll be fine, wanted you to know
Dragging me through hell
This place I call home
Miss it more than I could know
Simple minded, stupid, what you will
I’ll survive, I’ll find a way to make it
Who I am, Who I’ve always been
Smiling and digging a grave
In your name I pray
You’ll never feel the way I do
I will always fail at this thing
Called life
I will always be the things
I never wanted to be

 

I’m Not You Because You Are Me

Had everything anyone could ever want
Pissed it all away, now look at me
Shitting on the street
Stare, I don’t care, still breathing
Understand, never alive
Don’t you see?
Don’t you see?
Look at me
You are me more than you want to believe
One step away
Feel that?, It’s called a heart beat
It’s called a heart beat
Pissing in the streets, screaming until my throat bleeds
You are me
Don’t you see?
Don’t you see?
Chasing the demons that haunt me
Running from the problem at top speed
Problem has always been
Me
Human and I know you can relate
My home is the streets
My home is this fucking concrete
You are me
Don’t you see?
Don’t you see?
You just haven’t run your course
Of course, you’d deny the truth
I’ll see you, keep the space warm, until we meet 
That special place called home
Six feet under earth
I’m not you because you are me

 

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I know the last post was pretty sad and all that shit… but lets move on until I have better news… I’m Not You Because You Are Me… came out of no where…. and honestly… I don’t like to brag… but God damn… That shit hit hard and I could not stop… a written orgasm… I don’t know if you liked it as much as me… but… that shit sent me over the edge… and then dropped me in a six-foot ditch… what I live for?… hard to say… but it made me feel a certain way…

Because that is how it is my friends… we are all one step from all of this shit going to… well shit… as bad as you think you have it… as bad as we want to believe… it could be worse… some of us have it pretty fucking bad… don’t get me wrong… if you got time to think… well you got it better than most… gratefulness… be grateful for what you got… family… friends… a good thought that pops up… ride it out…  but always strive for more… a balance that can be hard to understand… a balance that doesn’t make sense until long after… It’s about the air… it’s about the breathe… sounds stupid… but what else are you going to do?… 

Don’t like where you are?… keep fucking swinging… keep trying… as much as I love you  all… as much as I want each of you to do what it is that you want… the truth is that no one gives a shit… oh well… heard it all before… are you going to give up or are you going make them believe?… don’t need to hurt… don’t need to destroy… need to find a balance… a mission that isn’t easy to see… all in this together… and we are all on our knees… no one ever said this was going to be easy… climb that mountain… fall down the hill… who really cares… get back up… that’s what people really care about… we will fail… but no one is taking me out… get what I mean?…

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I know you are busy… I know we all got a lot of things going on… I don’t need you to buy anything… click the links… shit on me… tell me I suck… honestly… I appreciate… you even reading one word… you are the greatest thing that could happen to me… don’t be afraid… I embrace you all the same… we are all in this together… hugs… and all will be well… 

Broken Thoughts… Breaking Down The Forever Circus…

The sadness sinks in
A world with no reason
Broken hearted, left wondering
How much time is left 
To destroy

 

Drinking a death wish left to employ
I’d take you all if it means happiness
Selfish, I’ve always known why
So much easier to take away
Then live this shit day to day
Still hanging on anyway
Raise my glass we’re in this together now
Happiness has always been nothing more than
A thought

 

Emotions come and go away
Words are easy to say
Live?, another question to be asked
Who was I in all this madness
Miss you more than I forgot
They say so many things
They lie to tell the truth
What’s the reason, no reason why
Call it life, call it what you will
Doesn’t matter, how it is to die
Words spell out my life
Words say so much and then we die
Choking on so many things
The mind keeps going
An empty feeling of nothingness
Wasted gift, no one has ever listened
Swing and thinking
None of this even matters

 

People fucking die
And we wonder why
Depression is great
Then you wonder why
The good die for no reason

 

I’m fucked up and it’s all right
Human as the night sky
Who I am with no reason why
Forgiveness, holds hands with sin
Fight hell, fight the light
The truth is more than I can describe
Being human was never the lie

 

“Life doesn’t make sense. Madness? Well… you tell me.”
Cooper Jones, No One Ever Said This Was Free

 

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A few repeats in here… not sure what I am talking about?… well then you don’t follow me on twitter… haha… that’s my one shitty plug for your attention… lets talk about real shit now that business is out of the way…

This week… has been a trail of judgement… that doesn’t make sense… a cross roads of the soul… no… a rite of passage… maybe… the last week has been a fucking eye opener… full of ups and downs… a blank mind… and wonder why I don’t just die… don’t read too much into that last line… death pops up in this empty vessel I call a mind all the time… nature of who I am at this point… normal?… probably not… but it is for me… that’s not what I’m trying to share… no… it is something way worse…

Something is miss firing in my brain… shocked?… maybe a little… I don’t know if it the almost decade of no sleep… who I was always meant to be… or a medical reason… so I will be going to the doctor… in the next few days… I know what I need to say… but I’m afraid… I know what I want to say… but I don’t want it to be true… so it is just easier to pretend everything is fine… honesty is not what I’m good at… telling people how I really feel… is not something I am good at… drag myself through hell to see you smile… is how I’ve always been… getting off topic… 

I suffer from anxiety… self diagnosed… if the smallest amount of change happens around me… a panic attack is sure to follow… been happening for as long as I can remember… I can live with that… because I have… I know what I need to do to… having nights believing I would die in my sleep… so I didn’t sleep… will do that to you… losing your shit because one too many people happen to be at the mall… so I leave… will do that to you… all of these things easy to avoid… easy to talk yourself down from… but the other day… I sat in this special training for my job… as I sat doing nothing… I can’t describe how I felt… I tried to explain it to my wife… I thought I was going to die… right there… no reason… Tried to talk myself down for hours… but the thought never left my mind… I sat there shaking… I sat there wondering if this was it… anyone with anxiety will tell you that’s all it takes… a thought… to set off a shit storm of what’s to come…

The feeling washes over you… the idea consumes everything you know… it isn’t normal… and I don’t know what to do… I know that I won’t die… heart racing a mile a minute… nothing is wrong with me… heart beating the fuck out of my chest… literally nothing is happening… and I know that if I close my eyes… that is it… the end… no more living… no more family… no more friends… and I’m not ready… I don’t think I ever will be… but right now… in this moment… I know that I’m not ready… I need help… denial isn’t working anymore… What that means for who I am… or what I think I am… I don’t know… and that scares me too… 

The truth of all of this… is that I’m scared… all the time… scared I won’t see my wife again… scared I won’t see my daughter grow up… scared I won’t make it to the end of the day… hell I’m scared I’m wasting my time of every minute of every day… some fear is good… but this has become something else…  so… that has been what has happening to me… things have been dark as of late… passing moments… or how it has always been… no idea… things might change… it takes time… or they might stay the same… but I want you to know that I give you everything I can… and I thank you for accepting me for who I am… for giving me everything you got too… we’re in this together… and I’m glad to just stand beside you each and every day… Life is about making it to tomorrow… nothing else… nothing less… nothing more… dark thoughts pop up… slip themselves in… but that is how I truly feel… that’s how I make it day to day… 

 

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Broken Thoughts… Fuck It… Its Your Problem… Okay Maybe Not…

Staring into the mirror
Wondering why not
The blade pressed up against me
Not sure why lately I’m not
Anti-lobotomy
Driven crazy, fucked at the thought
Common sense doesn’t mean shit
Drowning in my own life
Suffocating at the thought
That all of this must keep going on

 

Who put me in charge of anything
God doesn’t have a sense of humor
Fuck off
Gave me my own thing to destroy
Said look
I fucked up but here is your chance
To do the same thing
A running joke, that makes no sense
Drinking to try and forget
What I was even trying to do
Slash the wrists long enough
Something is bound to happen
Parenting not that far off
Smashing my head against a wall
Just makes sense
At this point

Purpose in life to die
Sad fucking state of existence
Fighting it every day
Winning
Where is the balance
When is just keeps fucking coming
Where is the savior we’ve been waiting on

Lost and it is just a thought
A rotting of the fucking brain
All there is
All there ever was
Was you and me
Let me be the first to say
I’m sorry

 

Dodging all the god damn knives
Finding my place in all this shit
Tortured what was your first fucking clue
Do this to myself
Smiling at the thought
What was the point all along
Breathing to breathe
Living because I was told to
Always loved you
But what was the fucking point
God or the devil does it matter?
When nothing has ever mattered
Me and you become one
Fucked yet we keep going on

 

It’s all so pointless…

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No after thought… only this…

Torture me, torture myself
Fuck you
Gave in when I knew
It was all a lie
Made you up inside my head
As real as I want it to be
Choking on a thought
Chewing on glass
Who needs a reason
When there is a why

 

Drowning myself in shit
Smiling all the way down
: )

 

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Apparently inktober is happening… makes sense.. being that it is October… anyway… check out the awesome work… my friend Little Fears is doing… Hope you enjoy… I know I have been… Haunting my dreams… turning them to nightmares…