A Lie Preview


Like a typical piece of shit that I am, I can feel it. I can feel it kick in and start all over again. I’d be a liar if I said I hated it. If I said I didn’t enjoy it. That it wasn’t fun even for a second, but it is not about the fun I scream at myself. There is more hate than pleasure but how can anyone tell the difference. The soothing nature of the whole thing washes over me. This must be what it feels like for a baby in a warm bath. Though I am not a child so I don’t know. Or maybe I am a child strung out on the adolescent dreams and fantasies. My thoughts are scattered, but then they always are. If I don’t feel this way all I want is to feel this way. I want more, I need more, but more will have to wait. I’m always searching for this over and over. God, I hate this so much. Filled with so much confusion. So much pain. I want to break, to destroy everything in sight. I hate myself but most of all I hate everything even more. There is nothing anymore that doesn’t remind me of her. There is nothing anymore that I adore. If this could last forever then I wouldn’t need to do anymore. One more hit and then I won’t do any for a while. The lie consumes me and I believe it. I am it. I am everything I have ever set out to be. Tailspin this shit into the ground and ride it out into my deepest despair. I’m laughing but really I am crying, and this is all I have to hold onto to. Till I’m lost in the darkness once again. Salvation is more than a place or a state of mind. Salvation is a dream that is no longer a reality. Salvation is everything that I once held in high regard. Salvation is the end of everything. Did so much that I passed right out. I wake up on my floor. How I got here I’m not sure but I know that it doesn’t matter anymore. Because where I am is where I will be. It feels so good to be me.

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Broken Thoughts

Always standing and watching
Participation is only an option
Waiting through the darkness
Copying, pasting thoughts and ideas
My thoughts have never been
Mine and Mine alone

Generations of bending and shaping
A never ending conclusion of thought

Walking this as slow as I can
The rush to die wasted on the youth
Thoughts of immortality disappear with every year
To be trapped in this old casket
Would be hell
The sands of time will only weigh me down from here
Giving in was never an option
It was always the plan

Away From Me
Your words don’t inspire me
They dig, carve out a place within my soul
A den of deceit, lies, beauty to unfold
They consume, swallow me whole
Every instance of instinct
Every truth of existence
Proves my point as it grows
The thoughts burn up inside me
I’m burning down slowly
Ashes given back to the earth
Lonely, depressed maybe this is what I deserve
A life wasted on dreams, on the absurd
The more I want it the further it seems
What is it that I want so badly in these dreams?
The fire must rage, fuel to the flame
Even if it is slowly killing me all the same
What do I have left
Ashes, condemned to my last breath

So sick of being me
Lost all religion
Lost everything when you cried
Dragging myself through this hell
No longer recognize what I’ve become
It’s a long road traveled or not
Feel the pain of a thousand worlds
Carry with me every word ever said
Brain won’t shut up
Movies playing in my head
Every thing that could have been
Memories of you faded in the background
How I wish I could
Change any of this
Once spoken, said forever
Only one way to end it all
Only one word that means anything

Separate skin from bone
Shaving off the fat left behind
Drinking the blood of Christ to let go
Was there the moment he died so long ago
Endless in time, the moments tick by
How I wish I could only go home