Broken Thoughts… Don’t Wanna Mess With Me…

The fog is thick against my calloused skin
An armor I’m supposed to wear with pride
Ashamed to admit it doesn’t make me
Feel any better about this life
Experiences are all we are made of
Cold and calculated
Broken hearted
Smile the pain away one more time
As this life ticks away
Every second one more reason
Every minute just how it is
A burn victim with no symptoms
The skin fits tight against my frame
Slowly living myself away
Invisible scars are all I have
To keep me warm at night
Against the fog, against the pain
We are all here to suffer
Think I’ve earned my place by now

The whole thing has left me rather exhausted…

Easier to pick the body apart as it rots
As she
As she feeds piece by piece
Picking apart all the things I thought
As she
As she tears me apart
Still have crimes to answer for
Just because I don’t say them
Doesn’t mean they don’t consume me
A constant nightmare played out in my head
Easier to swallow it whole before it rots
As she
As she constricts my soul
Choking me with all my thoughts
As she
As she tears me apart

I have felt worse things…

Chasing a new kind of enemy
A darkness that surrounds me
Storm clouds rolling in
The thunder shakes the ground
Lightning trying to strike me down
A hate that comes from within
Chasing storms as they roll in
A new kind of enemy
Hailing down upon me
Tornado approaches
Standing my ground
No more running from my creation
Suffering through a new kind of destruction
Waiting out the storm that is myself

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Broken Thoughts… Got Everything I Need Sitting on Broken Knees…

Nothing changes, never stays the same
The present is a waste
Looking to the future
Stuck in the past
Waiting for something new
The next thing that wants to kill me
A waiting game sitting on my hands
Hold me down by the throat if you must
Force feed me the pills to silence
Won’t make any difference to me
Because nothing changes, nothing ever stays the same

Because when you are gone I remember every word you said…

Reflecting on my insecurities
Possessive, needy
How is it that I make you feel
Obsessive, controlling
How does it make me feel
Dismissive, hating
How is it that I make you feel
Submissive, defying
How does it make me feel
An asshole in sheep’s clothing
Decisions that you’ve made
Won’t go away so, the feelings stay

Become something I’m not…

Drowning out the thoughts with repetitive words
Replacing dead memories with empty things
Has worked so far
Because if I don’t I fall apart
Looking at the cracks across the pavement
Trying to keep the tears in place, buried in my eyes
Drowning out everything with one more drink
Replacing dead thoughts with empty ideas
Has worked so far
Because if I don’t I fall apart
Searching for something more among the living
Pretending I’m not dead, buried in my eyes
Drowning out every depressive thought
Hasn’t worked so far
Staring at the glass as I pour one more

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Broken Thoughts… Looking Past the Glass…

Loved you from the moment I met you
Love you even now as you hold my heart in your hands
I’ll love you as I watch you crush it into nothing
I’ll love you as you set ablaze
I love you because I do
It’s not a feeling or a thought
Not one moment or a life time
Said I wanted to with you until the end of days
By your side is all I ever meant to say
That’s where I’ve always been
Until you decided to walk away
Wish I could pretend that none of this felt like this
Feels like dying an endless death
Wish it didn’t mean anything like you said
But I’ve loved you from the first time we met

Life is full of surprises… Destruction of a person…

How many hits does it take to destroy a heart?
More than you think
Less than what you need

Standing in darkness avoiding all the light…

Bleeding for one
Bleeding for control
Lifeless, dead, nothing left
Break me, I’m broken
Hate, I’m hating
Wait, I’m waiting
Live, This is life
Get the point?
Because I’m not

Took a long ass time… finally closing the chapter on the thoughts from last year… almost all caught up on my notes… yeah… I write a lot… all the time if I can… mostly Broken Thoughts and poems… but I’m starting to write stories again… Not quite like riding a bike… unless you are supposed to smash your face into the ground while riding a bike?… Not sure… haven’t wrote a bicycle in a very long time…

Well I’m not going to start now so I’ll never know… what I do know is that this part of the thoughts is done… get them down and get them out… hope all is well…

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Broken Thoughts… I Like This…

Twisting me, turning me
The waves swept me away
With every breath, every gasp of air
But the words already left my soul
Losing everything only seemed right
What I deserved
After losing you nothing could compare
Took longer to die
Than it took to realize the words were always there
The images play out
But the words always remain
The pain it must have took to tuck me in
Cover me up with a blanket of lies
Walked out to sea one last time
To see the stars behind your cold dead eyes
Took me in once, what is one more time?
Prayed to something I don’t believe
Offered my soul to take the pain away
Had no idea, a price I couldn’t afford

To do is to suffer…

How is it that I can be so wrong
While being so right
God gave me what I needed
I wasted it all on me
Giving in was much easier
Than I thought it could be
Religion, religious text states
Pride before the fallen
A complete circle turned into a habit
I miss you though I don’t have to
A distant memory forced to forget
Pushing feelings aside only to wonder why
I’d kill myself to just relive it all again
Jesus is said to have died for my sins
Cardinal rules I was forced to break
Now I’m broken with only a reason to blame
You are more me than I am you

Not hung over… Just wish I had more…

Spelling out my love with the blood
How much more do you need
The debts are so profound
Give you every last drop for a lifetime
Would that be enough?
What I promised could never be enough
Or have you forgotten?
Maybe it is you who should rethink
What I mean to you
Forever and a day was never long enough

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Broken Thoughts… Collecting Points For A Better Soul…

The blood tasted fresh at first
A sickening feeling in my heart
Hands around your throat
If this is love then I hate the taste
The way you make me feel
Dying inside, scratching at the casket
The earth tasted fresh at first
A sickening feeling in my head
Broken neck syndrome
If this is love then I hate the taste
The only way it could have been
Only way any of this ever ends

Killing off, cutting off the dead limbs…

So much pain
Digging down, buried within
Took everything to get here
My soul, all the blood
Still so far to go
Getting up seems to be
The hardest part
Crawling out of the grave all along
A home, a thought I created myself
Blame those around me
Forever lying to myself
The thoughts come to me
In a dying song my heart can’t stop
Singing

So you think any of this matters…

Hollowed out soul
Give me all of your shit
Addicted to you
Gun stuck in my throat
Give me more
I’d live but it is not
Everything I thought it would be
Hung over, burnt out
All I wanted was to escape
Came back running
Too afraid of who I could be
Without you next to me

I promises this isn’t becoming a thing… but let’s talk about that last one… It could easily be about a person… might even read that way to you… could easily have been about cigarettes for me… would fit right into how I felt when I tried to quit… but for me it was about alcohol… I didn’t get full blown addicted to alcohol… which is why I was able to write something so clearly… When I tried to write during the time I tried to quit smoking… it was dark… unclear… and I buried it all deep away… when I say it was dark… you know I’m not fucking around…

Addiction can be… is something… that a lot of us can’t escape… I wasn’t even that far along in my alcohol downward spiral… and I still think about it nearly every day… I think for me I was still in that “searching for a feeling phase”… not in “this is me phase” that I am in with cigarettes… point is I was able to get out from under alcohol… I can’t get out from the cigarettes… yes I am aware that is an excuse… I’ve made peace with it… addiction is different for everyone… some addictions are worse than others…

When I hear about people addicted to heroin… it breaks my heart… especially when it is people younger than me… it is a death sentence… not a matter of if… but a matter of when… I can’t judge… we all do what we have to do to see the end of the day… but heroin… pain killers… I’ve never heard… read… or seen any happy stories that end well with heroin… the sooner you seek help the better… never taking them is even better… I can imagine how coming off that shit must feel… and I know I wouldn’t even come close to how it really feels…

I get trying something… I get finding out for yourself… but there are just somethings in this world you shouldn’t fuck with it… I’m no fucking saint… no role model for the next generation… but staying away… seeking help… is all that I can say…

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Broken Thoughts… With The World Behind Us…

A child
I have one
I still am
Feel everything
A mistake
I am one
Stuck in the past tense
I still feel everything
A reason
Still feel lost
In the same place
Going nowhere
Maybe I should
A child
I’ve always been
Still feeling every feeling
An anger
I can’t get rid of
A hurt
I can’t help but be in
A mistake
Resting inside my head

Hurts like hell

It’s going to hurt either way
It will hurt more with you than without
The end of everything that I knew
The pain feels real even as I feel nothing
Catching lightning bugs in a jar
Watching the light burn out
Bodies left for the others to know their fate
A burning corpse on the side of the road
All the thoughts left except for one
This idea of hurt is all you’ve left me

I’ve been living on borrowed time

Sit down and shut up
Flowers on a grave
Nothing left to say
Honor the dead and let it go away
No way could any of this shit ever change

Written from the darkness of my mind… lets talk about that last thought… and break it down…

Sit down and shut up

We have this problem in America… maybe the world… where we get really pissed off about something for… I don’t know… well now it’s over… it is a tool and tactic used by our government and media… be mad but also be mad at this… gets to a point where we are all just mad about everything… and we never address the issue that actually made us mad… caused the problem… so nothing ever changes… people become divided… we war at each other until the next problem shows up… put the issue on the back burner… and crank up the next one… Examples… Gun Control… Abortion… Immigration… (Wrote this one based on gun control in the United States… )

Flowers on a grave
Nothing left to say

So we go through this whole I’m pissed and do nothing at all cycle… or do very little… slapping Band Aids on a gushing… rotting… open wound… and in the end this is where we stand on the issue at hand… an impasse.. where we wait for the next one… if you pay attention long enough it becomes a comedy of errors… or if you are an asshole like me… you just laugh and move on with your day… wait did he just said he laughs at the death of others???… yeah… I’m not proud… but…

Honor the dead and let it go away
No way could any of this shit ever change


There comes a time where just remembering those we lost and doing nothing at all to prevent future incidences… is pretty funny… the whole cycle leaves you with a lack of empathy for the next set of victims… Honestly how many time are we going to be sad or shocked that someone… anyone… died by being attacked with assault rifles… when we just keep letting assault rifles be sold in the US… How much do we really care about those that we lost?… when we continue on with the same thoughts and behaviors from before… we don’t care…

So yeah I am the asshole for moving on… but put up a fucking mirror… look into the cold eyes staring back at you and wonder what did you do to stop this from ever happening again?… yeah… the point is it doesn’t matter… conditioned by the very people we put our faith in to make this go away… it doesn’t matter… because if did… we would have changed it already…


No one really cares until it happens to them… sad fact of life… and I hope… I pray… I wish… it never happens to any of you… any one at all… because it doesn’t need to happen… Gun Control shouldn’t be a party issue… it should be a life issue that we all should come together to end… because I don’t bleed Democrat or Republican or Independent… no… I bleed blood just like you…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

No birds were hurt in the making of this cover… well that one is dead but it died of natural causes… still have no idea why the cat ate the eyeball… shiver… good eats maybe?…

Broken Thoughts… Sifting Through The Ashes…

Words locked inside my head
Feeling as if I’ve always been dead
Looking for a past I can remember
A future without any limits
Parts of me left unknown
Without anything to show
Digging away at the wall
A dark place where I learned to fall
The shattered pieces never add up
If I figured it out would I even know
What I am looking for in all of this

You can’t buy time. You can pay for it but you can’t buy it.

No one understands anything they say
Death in the family same as before
What is the difference between feeling and felt
What is a question with too many answers
I know at some point I must leave
Dreading the day this doesn’t make sense
Waiting for my time
A reason to become who I am

Killers are the same as you.

Rebuilding myself from nothing
Dead inside
Lost and lonely
That’s been every day for years
Somehow this time feels different
Some ways it feels like the first time
Little deaths didn’t prepare me
For anything like this
An empty feeling inside my chest

What does that mean for the rest of us?

A constant drag on my soul
The need to let go is overwhelming
Never have I, never will I
Hating has become something more
Consuming my burning soul
A truth I can’t ignore
Imagine myself as someone else
Same archetype every time
Do onto others as they do onto me
The scars burned across my skin
There is no escaping what I am
No balance in the world
Even if I believe it to be

 

Let’s talk about that last one… hate is so strong… filled with
insecurities… filled with so much shit… I don’t see the point… if you
really hate something… you care about it more than anyone… anything else…
if you really didn’t care… you’d ignore it… be like fuck it… doesn’t
matter… I try to not let hate consume me… not because it is bad… we were
born to fear and hate… it comes so natural it disgusts me… I try to not
hate because I don’t want to care…

For instance… I hate my father… I don’t want to… I don’t even want
to think about him… but I can’t stop no matter how much I tell myself to just
quit thinking about him… I forget about him from time to time… and then
something stupid happens… then it is all I can think about… What I would
say if I saw him again… How I would act… all the hate I’d lay down on
him… all the things I could say to destroy him… It is a nice fantasy I live
from time to time… What I really hope though… that if it ever happens… if
I ever see that fat faded fuck face… is that I just walk away…

As much hate as I carry… as much hate that consumes my thoughts… I
hope I am man enough to just walk away… he deserves no part of me… no part
of my life… in so many ways I wish I could just throw him away like he did to
me… but life never works out that way… “No balance in the world…
Even If I believe it to be”… That’s when we have to just walk away…

So what does any of that have to do with that last Broken Thought?… There comes a time in racism… in hate… where you just have to let go… fine they don’t
like me because…. of my skin… of where I’m from… of how much money I
have… of what the fuck ever… Then they aren’t good enough to know who I
am… their loss not mine… You should always stand up for yourself… for
others… but there are times where walking away… doing your own thing…
does more than any other action could… Don’t let the hate consume you…

 

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