Broken Thoughts… Now Is My Time… All Mine…

Insignificant sacrifice in my head
Another day living among the dead
Coming to the conclusion that
All of this was never meant to make sense
Another day living with your love
Bleaching my brain to rid myself
Of all this pain, dead memories
The sick ideas of happiness
A future without pain isn’t worth living
Wish I could forget everything I have ever said
Feelings left over in a dying heart
Slowly learning this feeling
Will never go away

Well good luck… I hope you find what it is you’ve been desperately searching for…

Time ticking away slowly
Wasting minutes thinking about nothing
Losing daylight wondering what could have been
Each sentence longer than the last
Each memory shorter than the one before
Slowly eating away at myself
Wasting hours wondering about nothing
Losing night thinking about what could have been
Knowing anything
Never changed a thing
Wasting away all the same
Knowing anything
Never changed the time
Wasting away all the same
Time ticking away slowly
So much time wasted on what could have been
Chasing ghost through the past

This is the sound of a heart breaking…

Spending time thinking about everyone else
Fuck’em and watch them drown
Society pressing down on me
Why should I care when no one cares?
Who the fuck am I to change what is
Already broken?
Fitting in never felt so ugly until the day
I did
Drowning couldn’t be the worst way to go
When living each and every day
Feels like a chore
Think I am an asshole?
Only repeating words that I have heard
Throwing this shit right where it belongs
Screaming into your face only got me so far
Pushing limits to know the limits
Have been pushed to the max
Matter of time before
All of this starts over
An endless cycle I no longer want to be a part of
Not the first person to feel like this
Pressing harder against the skin
Back the fuck up or I’ll make it all go away
Maybe it is time to learn a lesson from what we say
What we do, there has to be some solution
Buried in all this shit
There has to be something more than this
Death and distractions, pressure and pain
Stuck in the eye of it all
No where to go
Spinning out of control
Now is my time
To let it go

That last one just kept going… this group of Broken Thoughts… was actually based on the absence of thought… writer’s block in a way… had plenty of shit to say at the time… but I was too busy thinking about everything else… everyone else… thinking about all the time that I waste doing nothing at all… so much stuff that I want to do… that I just do nothing at all… that bothers me more than having nothing to say… it is one thing to have an empty mind and a whole other thing to just be lazy…

My excuse is that I’m tired… and maybe I am… but it is still an excuse… other people can do it… why can’t I?… perception is everything in this world… perception is shit… the world is an illusion… and yet I can’t help but look back on myself… reflect on all the negative things that I do… to myself… to others… to the ones I love… being human sometimes is too much to bare… perception will play with your mind… good and bad… maybe you think these things about me?… maybe I make it look easy… always busy… playing with perception…

Years invested in all these thoughts… nothing happened overnight… nothing has even happened yet… digging a hole one day I will regret… because that is the path of life… a grave is more than a hole in the ground… and a mind is more than the thoughts that surround it… broken or fixed… thoughts that I can’t help but live with…

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Broken Thoughts… Before We Met… (Video)…

There’s a darkness that covers the sun
Night during the day
This feeling won’t go away
Is it morning or is it night
Does in matter?
There’s no will to even fight
Streams of consciousness
No more will to live
An idea without any sound
Bury me now
Before I drown
Take it for what you will
A rebirth with no resolution
Empty thoughts
Feelings of hopelessness
Trapped in an existence that
Doesn’t exist
Doesn’t Exist

Feel like I’m suffocating in a room full of windows…

It’s all pretty pointless
A fucking joke I tell myself
Why am I here
If I don’t want to be?
Why keep going
If none of it matters?
Do you see where I’m coming from
Lost my mind or only just begun?
A lot of questions with no answers
You think I’m wrong
But, know that I am right
Hate myself from somewhere deep inside

I actually posted this video last July… in case you missed it… here it is… pretty dark… but what did you expect from me?… wrote the music myself… though I was heavily inspired by Nine Inch Nails for this one,… really wanted a soft and then loud noise type of feel… it wasn’t everything I had in my head… but it was close enough… there is a “live” version I might post or use later of the same track… unsure… I like it… but it is a little odd… wait… everything I do is a little odd…

The words are from the video… in case you can’t watch it right now… not missing out on much… just music… still trying to figure out exactly what I want to do with my YouTube channel… hopefully by now I have figured out… Hope all is well…

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You Will All Have Your Turn…

501 Reasons

The infection it spreads
Like the virus in my head
Love is loss and loss is expected
Life goes on, if only for a minute longer
Don’t know when to give up
I can feel the human condition
It’s spreading
Down my limbs and into my spine
Everyone wants to know
The reason, the why
No answer is given, no answer to find
This information is deadly
This information can kill
For without this reason
No reason to live
Lost control, control has been lost
If you can’t make your millions
We will surely die off
This information is toxic
This information is unclean
Unholy, whatever it may be
No weapon is greater than
The one inside your head
Your mind left wasted as you go on
Survival instincts weighted down over time
501 reasons you must lay down and die
For your sins and not your crimes

Now Available On Amazon

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Muttered Words… I'd Never Heard A Human Sound…

It Hurts to a Point

Spinning in place
Death should be the end
But what if
What if it is not
Grinding into dust
Dancing against everything
That should have been
Ash to ash
Was all there was ever meant to be
But what if
What if all of this was for nothing
Bending to a breaking point
Snapped in half, left for dead
Begged and pleaded
They pick against my skin
Taking flesh for flesh
Bone for bone
But what if
What if that was how it was meant to be?

Trying to Define a Useless Existence

Sticking needles to fit in
Each one sticking out of the skin
Fucked up and chill
What’s the idea without a plan
An episodic dream played out
The arc didn’t work out
Time to move on
A bridge built between you and me
Each letter spells out a different thought
The neon sign wasn’t for effect
A warning that glows against the night sky
Sin, love, live and fucking forget
Thoughts and opinions don’t matter
Trapped in your head
Screaming broken sentences
Could you ever, would you please
Believe in me?
Not asking anymore
Simply begging for all of this love and admiration
Not the way it was
Only the way it has always been
Special but as it turns out, not at all
Better than you, turns out not at all
Full of shit and finally we circle the same corpse
Being honest with myself
Taking in all the truth
Nothing is worth anything
So what the fuck do I do with my day?
Depression creeping in? “No”
Life checking in? “No”
Cracking open my own brain? “Yes”
Punishing myself? Pushing? What’s the difference?
Breaking down the ideas of everything
Trying to define a useless existence
Still searching for definitions

One of these was supposed to be a broken thought… finished the thought… which one doesn’t matter… The title for today’s post is from an epic band called… Brown Bird… song is called Cast No Shadow… New cycle starts Jan 2… I’ll be seeing you real soon…

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Whats That?… Broken Thoughts Vol. 1: Between You and Me… Now Available?

Paperback and Kindle Edition Are Live… At A Rock Bottom Price… Get Your Copy Today… And Start Enjoying Two New Stories… Two New Poems… and Of Course Some Broken Thoughts…

Broken Thoughts Vol. 1: Between You and Me…

Broken Thoughts… Looking For Something New…

Slowly killing myself
Living life, not fast enough
Dying life, not slow enough
Speed it up
Let it go
Breathe a little
Keep fucking running
Not enough
Add it up
Subtract the dream
Slowly killing myself
Living life, not slow enough
Dying life, not fast enough
Drag it in
Hold on tight
Exhale a little
Keep fucking pulling
Not enough effort
Add it up
Subtract the want
Nothing equals what you give
Living on fumes
Being dragged by the chain
Waiting around bored
Makes no sense
Yet here we are

I can’t separate the need from the pain…

How many times are you going to break my heart?
How many times will I let you?
Ripping the heart from my chest
What a useless vessel for love
How much can one take?
Enough to kill for
At what point am I?
What a useless question for love
Not even close enough
How many times are you going to take everything?
How many times must I watch it all walk away?
Stripping the soul from my body
What a useless vessel for life
How much can one take?
Enough to die for
At what point am I?
What a useless question for something
So meaningless as this

Sometimes it is easier to say the words out loud than to believe them…

Are you even trying?
Do you try to breathe?
No, why would I? You?
Only when I’m drowning

Trying to make it through today…

Two weeks from thirty two
Growing old
The mirror’s reflection doesn’t look the same
The mind feels as it always does
Growing old
Thinking about all the things
Thinking how none of this means a thing
Growing old
Killing myself is getting old

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Broken Thoughts… See How This Goes… Day To Day Mentality…

Do you think long enough
Would be enough to stop?
Sat here thinking
Couldn’t shut it off
Can’t escape this feeling
Sitting here dying
Do you think if I had enough time
Would I get anything done?
Laid here thinking
Couldn’t shut it off
Can’t escape this feeling
Lying here dying
Do you think if I had enough money
Would I be able to buy this away?
Sat here thinking
Couldn’t shut it off
Can’t escape this feeling
That none of this matters

“You’re a smart man, but even smart men say dumb things”… Everyone around me…

Trying to latch on to something real
Tether myself to a place I don’t want to leave
A gravestone set float at sea
Burning embers laid upon lifeless corpses
Hearts still beating
Trying to come out of this alright
Fears breaking every bone
A slow death provided on bent knees
Burning desire the body no longer understands
Brain still thinking
Trying to latch on to something real
Tethered myself to you
A lifeless corpses with nothing to say
Burning embers laid upon a rotten brain
Body still hurting
Trying and failing
Latch myself into something to hold dear
Trying and failing
To live a life not thinking about you

“I will drown you in a bath tub of your own piss”… In response to being told that I was too dark… “Because shit is too thick”…

Don’t let the darkness seep into your soul
Only one way to let it go
No one wants to talk about it
Everyone knows exactly what I mean
How it feels each and every day
A sin, a curse, then what is life?
Each day the sun will rise
Then it will set
Feel as though somewhere, at some point
Mine got switched
She had a name, now barely a face
The darkness takes more than feelings
Covers each and every memory
What’s the difference?
Can’t even begin to say
At this point I wish there
Was a hole right where
My heart should be
Not in it to win anymore
Just trying to finish out the day

Some pretty long Broken Thoughts… I thought about turning them into poems… but they were written so long ago that the feelings are gone… Moments in time… that is the thing to remember when everything feels as though it will never go away… that this is all there ever was… ever will be… the darkness doesn’t last forever… it doesn’t go away… but it doesn’t last forever… all we can do is prepare for the next wave… making life what it is… is all there is… I’m off to kiss my wife… and play Minecraft with my daughter… stay positive… and make the most of every day… even if it is doing nothing at all… it is still something in the story that is your life…

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