Chewing On Glass Presents… Justice Unserved…

“It’s really easy when you think about it,” he says in a casual tone. The man across from him tries to get comfortable in the steel chair. “What is easy?” He asks. “The first kill, your first kill,” the prisoner across from him answers. “How could it be easy to kill someone?” He asks looking deep into his eyes. “How could it not? There’s not much to it. Me or them? The choice is easy. Self-preservation. There’s nothing difficult about killing,” he answers in the calmest of ways. The lawyer across from him writes some things down, “Some would beg to differ on your opinion. Some of the very men that surround you now. Many of them are suffering in silence and try to a grip on what they did.” The man unfolds his hands, crosses his arms and leans back as though annoyed by this train of thought. “Guarantee they never killed anyone because they had to,” he says. “You may have me there, but is there any other reason to kill someone? Other then you had too?” He asks. “Stupidity, wrong place at the wrong time, and the list could go on and on,” the prisoner smirks. “What an interesting point of view,” the lawyer across from him comments. “Some choices are not made because they are what you necessarily wanted. Some choices are made for you before you even have time to reflect on them,” the prisoner states. “Are you back peddling?” He asks to no response. “So you are saying. What is it that you are trying to say? That you didn’t kill those people because someone or something made that choice for you, or are you trying to prove to me that your actions though guilty are in fact deserved by the nature of the situation? Because neither of them are going to work. You are neither crazy nor not guilty,” the lawyer says to him.

“Thank you for your honest opinion about what is going on here, but some may beg to differ. Those boys made their own choice when they decided not to run. They made their choice when they raped and kidnapped those girls from their school, and the state made their choices even more clear after they let those boys go for lack of evidence,” the prisoner rambles on. “The families were in the beginning stages of an appeal,” the man states in a loud tone breaking his control over his emotions for only a second. “I am the mother fucking appeal, the judge, and the god damn jury. Don’t you raise your voice to me boy. You haven’t been to hell and back like I have. You haven’t witnessed the true nature of man with your own two eyes like I have. In some instances in life evidence or no evidence justice must be served,” the prisoner slams his hands on the steel table in front of him. “And if by some long shot you have seen the things I have seen then you are too chicken shit to do anything about it like I have. That isn’t my problem,” he finishes. “Violence doesn’t solve anything. We have law and order for a reason,” the lawyer says getting his emotions in check. “Yeah how is that working out for society? Murders, rapists, and God knows what else walking the streets. Look me in the eyes and tell me those boys deserved to live. After what they did,” the prisoner barks. “We don’t know what they did or didn’t do. Couldn’t prove it in a court of law so we had to let them go as a society. We can’t go locking up everyone based on rumored accusation,” the lawyer states in an official tone.

“Rumors? Those boys confessed to everything,” the prisoner says. “I’ve heard the tapes. They were under duress. All you got there is evidence against yourself,” the lawyer lays out. “Oh, so having something stuck where you don’t want is duress now? Odd during their trial they stated those girls wanted what they got. Odd how perception changes the facts,” the prisoner glares. “Very odd. Can’t speak for everyone in the world, but I’m sure most people would agree being brutalized by a ten inch lead pipe isn’t the same as nonconsensual sex,” the lawyer states. “I’m pretty sure some would not agree with that opinion. I didn’t do anything to those boys that they didn’t deserve. Just because they couldn’t take their own brutality. Just because they were weaker than their victims doesn’t mean I didn’t do the right thing,” the prisoner tries to rationalize. The lawyer looks into the prisoners eyes. He sees the madness buried deep within and the justified reasoning that blanks the surface. The lawyer stands up and packs his things. “I’m done in here,” he calls out to the guard down the hall. “Tired of the freak show already?” The guard shouts back. The prisoner crosses his arms, “This is why the system is broken. We imprison those willing to do the right thing. While letting the truly guilty, while letting the evil of this world walk free.” The guard opens the cell and walks right past the lawyer to lean on the table. “What was that freak show?” He asks the prisoner before his body falls right into the steel table with a loud thud. He makes loud gargling noises as he reaches for the pen lodged into his throat.

“You know you may have had a point,” the lawyer states. The prisoner reacts quickly. Grabbing the guard by the head he slams it harder and harder on the table until the guard stops making any noise at all. The prisoner looks up at the lawyer breathing heavy. Hands covered in blood and a look of confusion on his face. “The choices are never easy. Guilty or not guilty they all come down to circumstance. Those boys got what they deserved. You deserve the same opportunities that the state provided them. Only I hope you get away with it. I hope you make the best of what it is that you started. The state will never let you walk free. The state can’t afford for you to be out there. They look past others, but you they never will,” The lawyer states. The prisoner stands there stunned. The lawyer grabs the pen in the guard’s throat and pulls it out. More blood shoots out of the wound. He hands the prisoner the pen, “You are going to need this. To make it look official and all.” The prisoner takes the pen and makes his way out of the cell. Walking past the lawyer, the lawyer says one last thing. “You’re welcome. Not all justice should go unserved.”

Brutal… harsh… dark… twisted… the world is never how it should be… or maybe it is?… violence doesn’t solve violence… or does it?… where is the line?… does it change or blur… at children?… case by case?… does the line change based on an emotion?… how you feel?… who are you in all of this?… an outsider with an opinion?… right or wrong?… the god damn judge and jury?…

It is easy to side with the prisoner… it is easy to side with the lawyer… even without the facts… the choice seems easy… protect the innocent… but who gets to decided such actions?… are we innocent?… are we just in our actions every day?… the law is what we can prove… not what we know… is that fair?… should that be the way we decide the freedom of evil?… I don’t have the answers… because the choices are not easy… they are not clear… because there is no way of knowing anything… unless you were there… a place I hope none of us are ever at… turning a blind eye doesn’t answer anything… lost in our own conclusion…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Broken Thoughts… Looking For Something New…

Slowly killing myself
Living life, not fast enough
Dying life, not slow enough
Speed it up
Let it go
Breathe a little
Keep fucking running
Not enough
Add it up
Subtract the dream
Slowly killing myself
Living life, not slow enough
Dying life, not fast enough
Drag it in
Hold on tight
Exhale a little
Keep fucking pulling
Not enough effort
Add it up
Subtract the want
Nothing equals what you give
Living on fumes
Being dragged by the chain
Waiting around bored
Makes no sense
Yet here we are

I can’t separate the need from the pain…

How many times are you going to break my heart?
How many times will I let you?
Ripping the heart from my chest
What a useless vessel for love
How much can one take?
Enough to kill for
At what point am I?
What a useless question for love
Not even close enough
How many times are you going to take everything?
How many times must I watch it all walk away?
Stripping the soul from my body
What a useless vessel for life
How much can one take?
Enough to die for
At what point am I?
What a useless question for something
So meaningless as this

Sometimes it is easier to say the words out loud than to believe them…

Are you even trying?
Do you try to breathe?
No, why would I? You?
Only when I’m drowning

Trying to make it through today…

Two weeks from thirty two
Growing old
The mirror’s reflection doesn’t look the same
The mind feels as it always does
Growing old
Thinking about all the things
Thinking how none of this means a thing
Growing old
Killing myself is getting old

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Chewing On Glass Presents: Beyond the End…

“Despite purified air, despite not going out for months, despite no human contact in over a year, and despite a diet balanced out to be everything that my body needs. I have become sick. I have become infected with something I have to silently suffer with. Alone and isolated I lost everything and yet I still managed to pack everything for this exact scenario. I have planned every possible outcome of everything. The architect of my own demise. How could I have been so careless? They warned me long ago but I didn’t listen. I didn’t think it was possible. Chasing darkness into the night. Should have known better. Should have been better than to question the idea of immorality. I dreamed of immorality but what is it really? It is nothing more than infinite knowledge and a never ending legacy of pain and sorrow. Threw it all away. Should have let the idea of death take over. Would I be human then if I had?

I am well suited for immorality since anything that mattered died a long time ago. I’ve given up on the idea of humanity. Become more like God than I’d like to admit. I am as if I am immortal though only time will tell how long it will last. Time and days are a human idea. Immorality and life are God ideas, but where and what are you when stuck in between the crossroads of God and man? I can create and destroy anything I wish by shaping this reality. Shaping another’s reality. I am my own God and my own savior, but will I also be my own end? The question fills my heart with no answers. The isolation proves theories I thought were only myths. There is no God greater than the sun. There is nothing beyond the stars but more darkness. There is no true meaning of life beyond the end. Not when we can control it ourselves. I’ve unleashed the end of all things to come. Now is the time for me to enjoy the end. For we are our own damn God’s.”

“End of transmission,” the computer states. “But there is no body?” A solider questions. His uniform the same as the rest. “Then we have to assume he is still out there. We must find him. As long as he lives he holds the power to end it all,” his superior says. “So it is true then. He is the source. He is the God of all of us?” The young solider questions. “There is no God only the devil. This man is no architect of our creation or our end,” their leader barks. “He is nothing more than a virus. A sickness we have been trained and created to get rid of. We will find him and put a stop to all of this. Now let’s move out,” he orders. 

This one is a bit of a stretch… not a whole lot of information given… yet it is packed full of information… if you remember Chasing Darkness and Beginning of All Things… These three stories are connected by a very thin life line… when going through my notes I found these three different stories… not connected but very similar… on their own they were okay… but if there was a sub theme of connection?… got me excited enough to finish them off…

So if this didn’t start off as a connected story… but rather a stand alone story… what was I writing about… the opening paragraph… the only part kept from the original notes… was actually the first pass at whole other story… a still work in progress story called the Undamned… I hope to turn that into a book some day… that story and this story stemmed from my overall desire to disappear into the darkness…

At the time I was working overnights… long hours… isolated and divided into a small group of people… looking back it was a pretty fucked up time for me personally… but as a writer it definitely produced a lot of ideas and thoughts… left to my own devices I’d probably do nothing but write… create… sounds pretty awesome as a writer… but it isn’t a life… it isn’t living… took me way to long to realize that… took me way too long to understand that life is about those around you and not all about you… took a lot for me to open my eyes… but having a child really forced my eyes open…

Having a child made me rethink my whole existence… what I was willing to do or not do to keep living in this world… before then I didn’t “care”… before then all I cared about was myself… you can get through life just fine that way… I was doing fine… my life has always been good… can’t say life didn’t happen… good or bad… life happens… but overall I can’t say my life was bad… had someone I thought I loved more than myself… a child will test the limits of everything you think you know about yourself…

Turns out not only did I not know what love meant… I didn’t know what life was either… not sure I will ever know what life really is… not sure any of us are meant to understand it completely… with eyes open I learned that there are only two things in this world I can’t live without… air… earth… and water… are just fine… but they aren’t worth as much as we think without those around us… living isn’t about being alive… I guess is what I’m trying to say… got lost in the emotions in a good way…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter...

Chewing On Glass Presents… Beginning of All Things to End…

“Things went from bad to worse,” he says as they walk down the long corridor. “What do you mean?” One of his colleagues asks. “Most importantly they are being taken to the facility right now to insure there will be a future them,” he says ignoring the question all together. “Doesn’t matter there won’t be,” another colleague responds. They move quickly through the corridor making sure no one sees them. “Sure maybe not now but twenty or thirty years from now when they have figured it out. It will be the end of the world,” the leader lays out. They arrive at an unmarked door. Looking around he inserts his key card, “Quickly we don’t have much time. The cameras have already alerted them I’m sure.” The three of them enter the room. “We need to erase whatever we can,” the leader says. “What are we even really doing here?” One of them asks. They walk through the stacks of tanks. Each one containing what looks to be a fetus. “Trust me they won’t have cloning figured out by then. Cloning doesn’t work now and by the time it does it be two hundred or more years before it does. And even by then none of them will be relevant beyond history books,” a colleague states. “Exactly, we need to stop them now. These are all nothing more than failures. But the potential each container contains. This is where it all starts. This is where we have to make our stand,” the leader says. “Your fear of that future is irrelevant. Some other monster will take their place,” one of them states. They begin pulling electrical board after board as the tanks switch to back up power. “We will impact the next fifty years by our actions today. We fucked up already letting them go into hiding. Who knows exactly how much information they were able to collect behind our backs,” the leader says. “Doesn’t matter they won’t have us when all this is over. The others will find them and do their part. Same as before. This won’t be over but you’re right we can slow it down.”

The lights begin to flash as the backup systems trigger the disturbance. “We are in the final moments of our chance to do your part. Destroy whatever you can,” the leader orders. They split up and rush through the room pulling board after board. Sloppy they pull what they can as they hear the door open and the boots of their oppressors marching through. “Use extreme force,” they hear someone order before they hear the sound of bullets breaking glass. The sounds of screaming and death soon to follow. The floor is wet in more than just blood as the last one of the resistance takes their final breath. A solider walks over to their dying body. “If you do the devil’s work then you are,” a bullet to the head silences the room. “Sweep the room, recover the bodies, and report back,” the solider orders. The others do as they are told. Dragging the bodies of the dead to the center of the room. The sound of the door opening again fills the room. The sound of footsteps on glass follows. “Report,” a man in a white coat demands. “All deserters accounted for and terminated. Zero causalities on our side. They were unarmed. Damage unknown. Believed to be minimal,” the solider reports. “Good job. Could have been executed sooner, but good job none the less,” the man in the coat says. “Thank you sir,” the solider responds. “Now if we can figure out how they were able to bypass their programming?” The man in the white coat questions out loud.

Odd title… wonder if it is connected?… I’m sure it is… quick and easy story… a thought to link two ideas… is what it is… forever and a day to get it done… see you all again real soon…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Chewing On Glass Presents… Wait and See…

I’m startled awake confused as to where I am and where I should be. I can feel the bang of the door as much as I think I can hear it. “I’m going already. Give it a rest,” I shout but they don’t care. The door rattles with every strike. Must mean something to bang this damn long. I try to get up and at first it seems that I am having the hardest of times. Everything seems out of place in my brain as I. There’s no other way to describe what happens to me next. No way other than I rise up? A ghostly outline of my former self. Neither here nor there or anywhere to be exact. I watch over my lifeless shell. Who I used to be? Who I am now? Who I will be forever? Confusion doesn’t even begin to explain the feelings of everything that is happening. My door flies open. No more banging. 

The first emergency responder to rush into my tiny studio apartment seems as though he is caught between two places. Nervousness and excitement flashes across his face in a slow motion that plays out in rapid speed. His partner half a step behind him. Their heavy bags land with a thud next to my bed, next to me. What is left of me? One of them picks up the phone next to my vessel’s hand. Says a few words I can not fully hear or understand, and hangs up the phone. The other searches for a pulse. Finding nothing of course they begin chest compressions. The difference between life and this is only a second but I imagine every second counts at this point. I imagine what is left of my time counts for something when a life is on the line. Try as they might the only fight left is the fight they aren’t willing to let go. I’ve made my peace as I watch them try. As I watch the needle fall from my arm and onto the floor. I’ve made my peace I think though it would seem that I haven’t. A by stander to my own end and a shitty narrator to my new beginning.

 If God is real he is nothing more than a trickster. Proving a point that only the dead could understand. Even if everything feels like a dream or a shitty nightmare played out in my head. Is this real? Is this the high or something else? The two EMTs fight and fight to bring me back. I wonder why I didn’t do the same. Why do they care so much when I didn’t? I want to make them stop. Tell them thank you but I did this, and it is what I deserve. We die, I died the end. What’s really left to say? A lifeless corpse with shit in his veins. How else was this going to end? Is this the way I wanted it? Sure why not? Had to happen at some point or another. Death waits for no one or nothing. More so when you play with it like I have. This is what I deserve and they don’t deserve to watch it all fold out. Embracing my new beginning. Embracing what comes next it would appear that this was all only a warning. A second look at what it is that I have done. Something draws me back to my vessel. Tells me to lay back down. Not a thought or an idea the feeling is beyond my understanding to explain. I do what it is I feel I must. Maybe if I lie back down. Lay perfectly still the two parts will become whole once more? Nothing to lose at this point. I try to recreate the position my shell is in on the bed.

What comes next is nothing short of a rebirth. The feeling of waking up after a long slumber as I spring back to life. Gasping for air and for the first time in what feels like forever I feel it. I feel it all. The tears flow down my face as I look into their eyes. Euphoric at first and then nothing but pain. Startled and relieved I grab the collar of the EMT closest to me, “Thank you.” Thank you is all I have to say. Thank you for what however we will just have to wait and see.

So two months in… some of you may have noticed that the “horror writer”… isn’t writing a writing a whole lot of horror stories… in some ways I am… but if you had this thought then you are correct… I’ve been experimenting as much as I can lately… stretching this idea of horror beyond serial killers and ghost… in truth the likeliness of any of us running into a serial killer or ghost is extremely low… statistically possible but very unlikely… the idea that we might die at any moment… some government agency or entity is changing the course of history… a broken heart snapped in half by our own hands… or in this case drug overdose… seem a little more likely… (Side note… I don’t believe in ghosts… but I don’t have any proof that they don’t exist…)

Any way… I’m sure I will sneak a crazy psychopath in here eventually… or maybe I already have?…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Chewing On Glass Presents: Chasing Darkness…

Things aren’t quite the way they used to be. Things change fact of life and death. Even if we can change those facts like I have. Things still very much change. I no longer know who I am or what I have become. I’m not what most people would consider normal. Well to be honest most would consider me to be eccentric. They always have from every moment that I can remember. Strange not normal. Broken and not equal. Different in every sense of the word. They were right of course, but I guess chasing endless winter is not most people’s idea of a good time. Not most people’s idea of where I should be or what I should be doing. But I like the isolation, the cold, the loneliness of it all. It helps me think and that is all they really want from me in the end. They want me to think for them. To create for them. Being out here in the nothing makes me feel more alive than a room full of people sucking up to my money. Yes, I am rich. Richer than most nations to be exact. To be fair though that isn’t saying much considering most nations didn’t go with technology. The choice was too easy to follow me, to invest in my ideas. Man is flawed in that way. Self-doubt, too easy can’t be the right way. Must resist and so they did. Investing in war and death. I shouldn’t have to tell you how that turned out. But history, stories they are summaries of things we already know.

Turns out bombs don’t feed people or build homes or take care of you when you get old. No, bombs only have one purpose and they do that function very well. But robots? My robots? They can do so much more than kill. Most nations fallen to the way side, disappeared off the map of everything including people’s minds. The advancements were swift, they were quick. I discovered a loop hole that we had missed. Any easy option no one believed to exist. Greatly enhanced soldiers that feel no pain, targeting systems that can target any and everything you may desire, and a defense systems so advanced that it would make nuclear war less of a fear and more of an annoyance. Whole nations wiping themselves out before the missiles even left the ground. Only took a few of these “brave and fearless leader” to wipe themselves out before all nuclear missiles were deemed obsolete. In fact less bombs destroyed whole nations then had ever been tested in the history of any nuclear program. I didn’t just make the world better. I saved humanity and everything with it. These were only the beginnings of my ideas. Yes, my pockets were lined with dirty dollars of anyone who was willing to pay for protection. This is capitalism at its finest. This is everything that we once believed in. Things they change even if we don’t think that they can.

What is left of Christianity would blame faith in false idols and other dated terms for what was coming. Yes, I am that old. Faith can come to us at any moment, but it can not change in an instant. It is enduring like that unlike nations. The faithful fought the next wave of advancements. Pushed my patience beyond their limits. I grew bored with enhancing nations to the highest bidder. It was time to take my ideas to the people. Take it beyond the surface of what I knew and go deeper. Humans are a flawed design. Boasting about how we are the greatest at everything. Spreading lies beyond the fabric of what we know to be true, but I knew with my help. I could make all our lies, all our fables, all our faith in ourselves. I knew that I could make them true. My advancements in nano tech and hybrid parts brought the revolution to the people. Put everything in their hands to do with as they wished. So long as they paid. So long as they understood what it was they were getting into. They didn’t, but it didn’t matter. Humans adapt to ideas they don’t understand. It is a slow process, but they accept the way things are eventually or they die off. Evolution sits as a theory, but the problem is we understand it better than we think. We accept it as truth even as we question its very existence. Deep down we already knew. We have always known what is that we are, where we come from, and how it will all go. There may be no all-seeing god, but something moves us to follow blindly. I will give them that. No one, not even myself can be as arrogant to not believe in a purpose.

The fall was coming. Everything I had created was going to turn. Human history is riddle with stories similar to mine. Roman Empire, the Chinese Dynasties, early man, and the list could follow us all the way to today. Life doesn’t stop under the wheel of change. It grows stronger. Picking up speed until we no longer understand what it is that we have created. A bump in the road, a great fall, but this one was different. This one was not like the rest. Unlike the falls of the past, the missteps that lead to something else. This one changed the game. Changed the world and the human race. We moved past everything we thought we knew. We became something greater than ourselves. The ones that were left that is. The advancements I made in human tech changed the game. We became one with the robots. Equal to my creations. Working side by side until we cleaned up everything. We needed something more though. We always need something more. We looked to the skies once again. Except this time we knew that we were ready to face any and all challenges. No longer a dream, but the next step in our evolution. My evolution, my purpose in this world. For the first time in human history people are too busy thinking. Thinking of ways to make everything better rather than how to destroy. For the first time in human history everyone is thinking like me.

That is why I live here alone like this. That is why among other things I do what I do. I feel this need to distance myself from them. I feel this over encumbering need to be as far away from them as I can. The wind howls outside of my cabin. A few more days left of darkness and the chase will begin again. The world advancing by the minute and my wealth grows. The owner of this world, my empire, lives in near darkness studying the sky for the lost planet no one’s even hear of yet. Trying to make sense of my purpose in this world.

This fucking story… This story didn’t start out like this at all… the original draft was trash… an idea that I didn’t know was there until I looked a lot deeper… So I worked on it… worked with it… typed up the whole thing on my phone… had it all amazing… had it to a point that I thought was good… then technology and my stupidity fucked me… While trying to transfer the file from my phone to my computer… using all the great advancements that Google bestowed onto us… I lost the whole thing…

Back to step one… and I was fucking pissed… I’m still pissed and it has been over a week… still pissed and I have rewritten the whole thing for a second time… but it is over and done?… I just read it… why are you so pissed?… Who cares?… you are right but it doesn’t matter… I’m pissed because the story was vastly different… and how it was different I don’t know… but I know… I write by the seat of my pants… I write until it is done… I purge the thoughts and move on… so if it isn’t written down… saved somewhere… I have no idea what it was that I even said…

So… all that work… all that effort… gone in a flash… and like this character all I think about is progression… not going back… But I had to go back… I had to finish this story… redo this story… because I needed this story for two other stories in this cycle… woke up today… and got it done… It isn’t that bad actually… still pretty pissed that I had to do it again… but for all I know… it might have all been for the best… destruction and loss… may have all been for the best… or maybe it wasn’t… “Faith can come to us at any moment, but it can not change in an instant”

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter...

Chewing On Glass Presents… Just Breathe…

It all shatters right there in front of me. Glass, steel, two moving objects going at what feels like a thousand miles an hour. Was it? Is that how it really was? Everything so slow a miss perception of time and place. Memories shifting in and out of place. Two thoughts as though they don’t exist. Two people caught in time. There was more than two? I wasn’t driving was I? No, I was standing. Standing still as if I wasn’t even there. I no longer was there was I? I disappeared somewhere in myself. Took myself right out of there. Right out of my own thoughts and feelings. But I remember the glass.

It bounced off my face but I didn’t feel its pain. The screams all around me with no sound. Faces moving in panic, mouths open in horror, mouths open without any sound. The smell of tires and burning engines but I wasn’t even there. Where was I? Where was I standing motionless? The corner of sixth and Wellington. The burning sensation? The coffee in my hand. Two cream, less sugar. I need less sugar in my diet. Too much sugar in the coffee. Tasted too sweet, my last thoughts before the flood. The last real thought before everything took over. 

People all around me. Fingers bloody, I reach out for those in front of me. Was I crying? The ground hard against my side. Everything hard to remember. Everything a blur of thoughts and emotions. Was I sad? I was very sad. No one to go home to. Family out of town and I’m stuck here working. Lonely, am I alone now? Everything is so dark. Can’t tell if I am seeing or dreaming. The merger did it go through? Important business and I’m late, but I stopped for coffee anyway. So tired, so lonely without them. They went on holiday to see our extended family. Parents, grandparents, brothers, and sisters. Family I find missing more now than ever.

Out of town. Where out of town? The roses, Fedele’s roses always smelled the sweetest. The smell of innocence and purity on my hands as I hold the flowers. Was this real? Am I there now? No, I don’t know. I see them now the flowers, but all I can smell is engines. The smell of gasoline. I taste it on my tongue. Bitter like dirty metal, hot. Were they hot? Where am I if I’m not there? Screeching tires, metal collapsing, and my ears still ringing. My ears still buzzing with that hum. Am I alive or am I dead? 

Is death just nothingness or am I only in between? So many questions and no one to answer. So cold like saline going in. Washes over me, that time I was sick. Food poisoning, bad chicken, not enough fluids in me. Am I bleeding? Why can’t I breathe? Try to breathe. Gasping but it’s not working. Inhaling but nothing is happening. A rush of pain. Nerves on end. Nerves on fire. My eyes open, flood of light, emotions. “Just breathe,” the voice says. “Just breathe.” But I can’t. 

I often thinking of dying… unsure if that is normal… might be… is for me… though unlike what I write about dying… is not how I think about dying… often when I think about dying… I don’t think about anything other than the nothingness of it all… the idea that I can do nothing… say nothing… only watch as everything around me moves on…

The thought tortures me… burdened by the idea that it just won’t shut off… that somehow after death everything keeps going… bothers me… I want the world to keep going… I’m not that selfish… I just don’t want to have to watch it happen without me… without all the things I want to do before I die… left unfinished… to watch my daughter grow up… start a family… live her life… and all I can do is watch… at the very same time… the flip of the coin… I don’t want to think about how I will never see any of that… that it will all just end… that was me… and lets move on…

Death above all things… is nothing that anyone can avoid… I just wish I could stop thinking about it… fearing it… but then again… I’d be out of a career if I did… no one ever said I wasn’t complicated…

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