Chewing On Glass…

There is a noise inside my head
I don’t know how to get it out
I don’t know maybe when I’m dead
Give it some more time I think it says
Then again maybe I just can’t tell the difference
Between the noise in my head and what’s been said
I don’t know maybe like I said when I’m dead
Then maybe I’ll understand what it’s been saying
Probably not though because I’ll be dead
This has to be the worst part of growing old

I live like there’s no tomorrow… by not living at all…

It goes so quickly… faster than before
This life I mean… not the life I’m living
It goes by so quickly… faster than before
This life I mean… staring into the ceiling
It goes by so quickly… faster than before
This life I mean… resting in me
It goes by so quickly… faster than ever
This life I mean… with so little meaning
The words though keep repeating in me
They move so slow… Knowing they are there
But what do they mean without a life?
It goes by so quickly… faster than you think
This life I mean… not the life I’m living

Constantly kneeling… only to complain…

Remembering the days when this is all I had
Nothing changed except I’m not the same
Experiencing days as they go by at a rapid pace
Wanted more… Wanted what I got… Wanted what I have
Living and it feels like death stretched out
Dying and it seems like living in reverse
What is it that I’m really doing?
Remembering the days when this is all I had
Nothings changed except I couldn’t stay the same
Thoughts piling up as they go by at a rapid pace
Wanted less… Wanted what I got… Wanted what I had…
Living and it feels like death branching out
Dying and it seems like living when it’s not
What is it that I really expected?
Forgot long ago now I want something different
Same as before except I could never be the same
Experienced too many days at a rapid pace
Wanted something… Wanted what I got… Wanted it all
Living and it feels worse than death
Dying and it seems like a life I’ve lived
What is it that I was hoping for so desperately?

Who else sucks at Scrabble?… I can write for hours… I could write for days… I could stare at a thousand words without a complaint… sit me down for a game of Scrabble and you might as well bring a pair of pilers… If you want to play games… Then let’s play a game called Toothless Grin… Not sure I’d cry any less if we played that instead…

I do play Scrabble with a nine year old… so it is a little difficult to build off three to four letter words… But if I’m being honest… my only chance at winning is playing with a child who dumps her letters every other turn… We played Risk today… She thinks the point of the game is to take out the nonexistent third player… and that I am only there for moral support…

The other day we played Monopoly… I don’t have to cheat to win… but it does make the game go two times faster… I’m pretty sure she thinks the properties are a financial burden not worth her time… Not when she can pass Go and collect two hundred dollars… That’s easy money… For me of course…

Her favorite game is Guess Who… she never wins… but the rules are simple… and her pragmatic brain thinks being able to loss multiple times in a row is more fun… than playing to win in any of the games… Her innocence is adorable to a certain point… It would be nice if she played with a purpose… a drive to succeed.. something my twisted brain won’t allow me to appreciate…

If only life could be as simple as it once was… If life was only really about having a good time… and so little else… When is it that life begins to twist the knife?… Twist and twists until we are what we have become… Something is lost… something isn’t computing… something isn’t making it through… What drives us to be the monsters we are rather than the innocent beings we once were?…

Thoughts for another time I suppose… I got to bang out another fifteen pages or the invisible monster in my head will hold me down and tell me again why I don’t deserve to live… Hope all is well…