Things To Do When There’s Nothing To Do…

Start Over…

Said everything there is left to say
It is almost time to stop all this shit
Been on the fringe of a nervous breakdown
Searching for the right things to say
Nothing comes to mind, stay silent
Taught us well now it’s time to show what we’ve learned
At an impasse of great importance
Stand before you, surrounded, know what needs
To be done but will you?
The point is the time
Becoming too late as the next set runs us over
No more time left to live
How it has always been?
The world passes us by at an alarming rate
Fewer of us needed to sustain a comfortable life
Still too many of us left stomping on the ground
No idea what to do?
Strip the world into nothing to sell it right back
What else is there to do?
The poison sowed into the very fabric of who we are
Tear your eyes from the screen and look around
Why would we ever?
Guilty, don’t know a better way
Purge ourselves to save the rest from what we’ve become
Don’t know a better way to solve this problem
Wouldn’t do it myself but would you?
The words don’t seem to reach those above us
Not too sure they’d even notice we were gone
Do you even know them?
Dollars and sense maybe wasn’t the best way to go about this
Already heard it all before, time to start over
We’re we ever in control?

 

Painting Futures

This is no way to live
In the shadow of the generation before
Kept as a pet, something to adore
Listen to what needs to be said
Too late the day has come and went
Give us a reason to follow our hearts
Destroyed, locked away, extermination
Our futures are beyond fucking pointless
Give me a reason to give a fuck
The silence is beyond anything we could say
Without faith in ourselves
We are so lost
This is no way to live
Know no other way
Second guess myself at every thought
Living without guidance only rules
So fucking offended at the suggestion
I feel, don’t we all
I feel, that only you matter
I feel, I feel, I fucking feel

None of this matters
We have to find meaning out of nothing
The world doesn’t revolve
It only drags us around
This is no way to live, but what other was there?

 

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A little dark today… haha… might be a running theme through my head… a little crazy mixed in there too… working on a short story… the first in a long time… don’t want to say too much… kind of excited at the idea… mostly because I have no idea where it is going to end… when you will be able to read it… I have no idea… I just thought you should know… 

Speaking of things you may want to know…. Threadless… shirts…. Amazon… books… Etsy… art… and yes I feel dirty… : )

Broken Thoughts

Somewhere in the darkness
Just before the light
Lies something so dark
It hides in plain sight
Worlds live and breathe
A price to pay
A debt so low
What could come from this
If nothing at all
Watch the sky as it burns
Even on the darkest nights
Still can see the blood
Who does it bleed for
If not for you and me
The truth so hard to find
When the lies become so easy to digest

 

A bible left on a bench
Verses stuck in my head
Bleeding for a cause
Dying for the dead
Wait out the end of the world
Cautiously continuing what’s already been done
Too afraid to try anything new
Coughing up blood from all the fun
Destroying everything I love
If I knew why I’d tell you
Locked away in my mind
All that matters at the time

 

Taking this one step at a time
Taking it one step further than Christ
Gave up all my sins
Now there’s nothing left
Dragging myself up the cross once again
The pain comes on fast than slow
Growing old with so much left to go
Who am I if I am without sin
Who am I to beg for forgiveness
Drinking blood to understand where this began
The body begs the question of what have I done
Said you’d never leave now here I stand
All alone with nowhere to go

 

Easier to lie than to live your life
Spitting blood for the taste
Waiting out the storm of our lives
Hidden in the dark never had a reason why
Feel as though all of this has been said before
Giving into the reason why
Without context doesn’t make much sense
Nothing ever really does
Picking out the parts that I like
So broken left dead inside
Who I’ve always wanted to be

 

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Been trying to get back into Twitter lately… been very lazy or very busy… depends on where your sympathies lie… stack of canvases that need to be finished… worked on… done something with… a stack of ideas that need to be worked on as well… I keep piling it on… forcing myself to take on more… spend the time wondering why?… have I always been this way?… am I only noticing it now after all this time… always moving… always going… what does it mean to sit still?… in my broken… warped mind… it means certain death… a fallacy I want to believe… rather than one I need to believe… so there has been that as well…

Me trying to relax… and dare I say… have fun… it isn’t going well… I don’t get it… I don’t like it… but I know I need it… I need to learn to enjoy what I have before it is gone… those around me… my friends… my family… society as a whole… there is some shitty metaphor about how no one is an island… true even if I keep trying to disprove such a thought… a notion… that I could be wrong… all of this is weighing on me… my mind… the question… what do I want from life?… 

I have no idea… I spent so much time avoiding the question… running from it… putting things in front of it to hide behind… nothing stops it… like the great Jason Voorhees that fucking question just keeps coming… except maybe one thing… one possible outcome to put this damn demon to rest… an answer… a solution to the problem and question… and that is the real issue… I don’t have an answer… I don’t have a realistic idea of what I want… all I have is a fantasy… a lie.. I keep telling myself to get by… as we all know… we can only lie for so long until the lie falls apart… 

That was a lot to lay on you… and this is yet another moment that I will dwell on… where does all this come from?… now you know… even if it is only a glimpse of how I see the world… see myself in it… been human for so long… ready to be so much more… time will tell if any of this ever gets better… 

“Not all martyrs see divinity, but at least you tried”….
Maynard James Keenan, Eulogy, Tool

 

Threadless Shirts… Amazon Words in the form of books… Etsy… Thoughts in the form of art… 

Broken Thoughts

We try to recreate things from memory
From feeling, never the same in our heads
Misquoting everything in sight
So we begin this story of deceit
From within, from the soul
Need you to relate even if it is only
To prove a point
Selfishness runs deep
Ignorance so much deeper
Diseased and seeking some sort of care
The depression is so much worse with them
Broken and needing something more
So blind to everyone else’s needs

 

Turns out I traded one mask for another after all

 

Your death rattle escape
Won’t shake all the demons free
Still lurking in the darkness
We’ve been waiting a long time
We’ll keep waiting with all the patience
Of a saint, a devil in disguise
Wings made of bone and tarred on feathers
We know pain above anything else
We’ve known its caress since the dawn of time

Always on the fence. I’m always on the fence.

 

I gave it all up for this?
These feelings don’t subside
These feelings grow deeper
Slip into the cracks of my broken heart
Give it another year
Give me a whole lifetime
Waste it once again
If I could do it over
So unsure I would
Life gets easier with time
Because the will to live
Goes with it
Gave up my soul for something I don’t know
Want it back but I’m so unsure

 

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Lets keep this odd train a rolling… was on my way to work today when an odd thought came across my mind… civil services is the only job where it is okay to be an asshole to the ones that pay you… the only job where it is an actual possibility that you could beat your employer too much… if I even raised a fist to someone I work with I would be fired instantly… yet a cop could hit you with a baton and as long as you seemed like you were resisting… perfectly legal… if I’m not careful how I talked to someone at work… it would cost me my job… but a judge could and can talk down to you… they can literally judge you… and they are applauded for it… basically I got in the wrong line of work… 

Could you imagine for a moment though… if these things were reversed… sure it could suck… take the suck out for a moment… but things might actually be more efficient… if people actually thought something could happen to them… sure we still speed… we still break the law… but many of us don’t for fear that a baton might come across our face… or we could get shot… but at my work at least… many of them have the attitude I get paid either way… or as one of my fellow “Hard Workers” said to me… “Why are you organizing? It is only going to get messed up again”… (insert I may kill you face)… I wonder why that might be?… 

I don’t know… only a broken thought that I stumbled across… 

Threadless… shirts… Amazon… books… Etsy… art… 

Non Carbonated… Yet Still Tastes the Same…

The chambers of the heart
Keep pumping blood
Even if there is no will to go on
Patience but for what
A long waiting game for nothing at all
I carved one out
Only to give one up
Nothing feels natural anymore
A made up act
I call love

The bullet grazes the side of my head. It hurts like hell, but it’s not death so at least I got that going for me. Digging myself out of this ditch is going to be the real bitch of all of this. Left for dead and now I have nothing left to lose. With every step sliding. Mud blood drenched, water logged, and full of pain. If the body moves then never count it out. Pushing through all the bull shit. Pushing through all the pain. I will kill each and every one of them. Slowly until their last breath translates into my own suffering. The anger drives me to do what needs to be done. 

My rage is all I own
Tells me everything there is to know
Dictates a path through the fog
My rage is everything and nothing
Wrapped in a package laced with explosives
Thought I knew the sequence
How would I ever know the truth
This is all part of something
A never ending novel with no resolve
The actions take place long ago
But the fall out is here and now

We are all so damaged in some way. A bit off but mostly no one notices until they spend some time with you one on one. Sifting from place to place as though nothing at all. Already so gone from everyone around me. I want to disappear even further. As close to death as I can get I assume. Far removed from this world of money and greed. I’m tired of thinking or feeling if I only had this. What is this when in reality this is nothing? Freedom apparently is all of this shit. I hate everyone. Surprised it took this long to say. Why bother with anything if everything bothers me? So sick of human touch. The thought of decay we spread every day. I’m so sick from the feel of it all. Tomorrow I will run away, but I know that my ass will be glued to this place. Where could I really go in a planet full of us?

It would be fine if only I had the answers
Or maybe if I knew the question
Goes together as though they fit the same puzzle
My head is cluttered with all that I remember
Blocking out any new thought I could possibly imagine
What I am, who I am
Is not what I once was
Though what I’ve become

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Had no idea where this was going when I started… still don’t… always the best… fit together like a puzzle or overall chaos?… such is life sometimes… been busy behind the scenes doing nothing I suppose… it is summer here after all… I hate summer… all about the winter… all about the cold… the decay… the eventual rebirth of the planet… that time between death and life… has me written all over it… only forever and a day until we are back to that… in the mean time… I get to sweat my ass off… locked away in my home… brooding over thoughts about nothing at all… so a normal day really… just more sweat… mixed into the blood… 

Happy to announce that I have opened an Etsy store… still no idea how it works… should be another train wreck on top of a four car pile up… needless to say I am hyped… if you have the time check it out… still working on more… also working on different things than I normally would… thanks to my friends PeterKaty… and Lemons support… so thank you to you three… and thank you to all that like and support me… means the world to me… until next week… Stay Classy WordPress… 

Threadless… shirts and shit…. Amazon… words and shit…. Etsy… art and shit… Twitter… mindless self indulgence… and shit… : ) 

Staring Like A Junkie

Did This Really Have Meaning

Amount to something
A purpose would do the world some good
Breaking bones to stay with it
Because that’s what really matters
Cramming my body full of shit
Can all it add up to real effort
Does anything ever add up to anything
Don’t think it won’t help anyone
Effect is so different from affection
End up feeling the same all together
Friendly means something other than friend
Fucking reality kicking in, sinking in
Got so few years left in this world
Gloating never got anyone anywhere
Have everything, all I’ll ever need
How could effort mean so little
I think maybe a little too much
Intelligence wasted on the weak
Jokes have so little meaning
Jesters will tell you all the sadness they know
Knowingly knowing no one gives a fuck
Kill the ones that dare
Love those who stand in your way
Like they’d have a purpose if it wasn’t for you
No one gives away anything in this world
Except for our souls without any effort

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I had a whole other poem to go with this one… but there is a lot to unpack here on this one… this one is very personal to me… so let’s go line by line and explain how worthless I am… come take my hand… this will be fun… 

If you didn’t catch right away this was written at and about work… well then you haven’t been paying attention to me now have you?… skipping the first two lines because… well they are pretty obvious with no hidden meaning… a purpose could do us all some good… no argument there… Breaking bones to stay with it, Because that’s what really matters”... these lines are about the time that I got hurt at work… I didn’t break anything, but I did have to sport a hard cast for a few weeks because I sprained my wrist so bad the doctors thought I did break my wrist… got lucky they said… if I had waited any longer I would have ruptured the tendon… funny how lack of sleep… lack of money… lack of self-worth…  will drive you to do stupid things… this one is all on me… of course someone should have been like hey… you can’t work like that… but when you hate yourself more than everyone else… well they’d let you work until you died… because that’s what really matters…

“Friendly means something other than friend”… this one is a twofer… it has to do more with being trapped between two things… Mangers who pretend to be your friend… tell you how great you are killing your self… and the other side of the business where we are selves are supposed to be fake and pretend we like the customers… don’t get me wrong… I don’t hate any customers… or think horrible thoughts about them… even the stupid ass one that ask me if they should eat expired brown meat… because if I did… I would have said yes… under cooked and as much as you can stuff in your face… but I didn’t… I saved a life the other day… maybe more than one… I’m not proud of it… but I am no monster either… In all actually though… when your job is to stay up all night and restock everything… we don’t care about the customer… sure we get it… but one less item to stock… to have hanging over our heads… “Sorry… we are out of personal lubricant”… Big smile… 

“Have everything, all I’ll ever need, How could effort mean so little, I think maybe a little too much“… First line is about how I was born with everything I will ever need… hints how I got so great at my job… the job didn’t give me that… I gave the job that… arrogant… out of touch with who I am… but the truth is the job isn’t us… we are the job… we don’t have to work as hard as we think that we do… but who doesn’t want to be the best they can be?… second line… has to do with money… and the last thought… yes… I was one of the best at that job… and yet I made less than some of the worst people I worked with… because that’s how all this works… currently at my new job in the same company I am having an internal conflict because not only do I know I do more than most people based on numbers and units… I now know how much money we make in a day as a department… the first set of information was crippling… knowing how much money we make off of my ass… well… why don’t you clean up the chicken juice off the shelf…

Won’t go into huge detail but… on most days… even the slow ones… my department makes more than I do all year… in one fucking day… yes… I know there is more to a business… there are costs blah… blah.. blah… there are ten people in my department… I’m dead middle in terms of money earned… there are 365 days in a year… it doesn’t take a genius to see that I’m getting fucked at some point here… well we have to pay… blah… blah.., blah… even if they paid each of us the amount of money we make as a department on our busiest day… Sunday… they’d still have 42 weeks of pure profit… minus all that other blah.. blah.. bull shit… what I’m saying is stop showing the fucking numbers… ” I think maybe a little too much”… pretty obvious at this point… 

“Love those who stand in your way, Like they’d have a purpose if it wasn’t for you”… On the surface this would seem to be about celebrity… and it works for that very much… these lines are actually about those above me… we have such a cult of personality for each of these assholes that lord over us… but why?… most of them can’t even do what we can do… they wouldn’t have a job if it wasn’t for us… in fact if it wasn’t for us… they’d be doing our fucking shitty horrible jobs… so why is it that they think they can treat us like shit… push us to the point that we want to… we hope we lose control going around a corner… we hope the box cutter slips and hits something important… by we I mean me…

I get they are their to flock us all together… lead us to the promise land…  but I can’t stand this whole pushing the strong bullshit… and that is why I am worthless… that is why all my effort is wasted… because I give in and let them do this to me… let them drive me to hurt myself… let them make money off my pain… and quite honestly give away my soul with very little effort… conditioned to suffer… to feel pain… we all wear chains… some we can see… and some that we can’t… “Sorry… we are out of personal lubricant”… Big smile… 

Gasping for the Air that Surrounds Me

Ark

The darkness surrounds me
As the rain falls down

Over the sky, blood drips down
Signaling only death
I hope you all drown
I hope someday you are found
Bleed me slowly and see
If I’m still alive
You all said I was crazy

Said I didn’t know anything
A child with adult eyes

The cuts they hurt
More in the beginning
Stones casted out, words with so much meaning
What was the point if not intended to hurt

Time has a way of healing broken wounds
Time has a way to make it go away
All of this all over again
Clairvoyant even in the womb
Because I know
I’ve always known
How all of this ends

Gather around, get to together
Pick and choose
But you should know
Not all of you
None of you will be
Here when it is all done
An endless time born to repeat
A drowning, a rebirth, a life destined to live
Born to be who we were always going to be
Keep destroying, keep hurting, keep doing it all
Free will was never a choice
Only a way of life
I never saved anything only kept it going
God spoke to me and I chose

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Well this is late… by a few hours… been one hell of an eight-day stretch… honestly only thought I would die twice so that’s something positive… behind on everything… broken promises I never intended to keep… Someday I will figure this all out… what this is I don’t know… working towards living… or so I keep telling myself… 

There has been a lot of sadness in the air as of late in America… In Texas… afraid it will only get worse… before it could ever get better… as a transplant it is never racking… embarrassing to say… where I live… where I am from… accepting that we are all not perfect… is not accepting the actions taken… diluted… forced upon to believe… we are not all what we are entitled to be… wish I could say I was proud to be where I’m from… but there is nothing to be proud of when we are all hypocrites… we say we are a Christian nation… a Christian state… a notion shoved down my throat on a daily basis… If you are going to be who you say you are… then be who the fuck you say you are… hard to believe the wandering Jew known as Jesus… cast aside… “crucified for his lies”… dying for his beliefs… would ever turn his back on those in need…

Confused yet?… trying living this shit every day and not even believing… believe what you want to believe… but fucking believe it… don’t half ass your beliefs all over my life… day in and day out… then turn your back on God… because you are too lazy to do what needs to be done… to take care of those in need… this isn’t directed at anyone person… but if you honestly believe this is for the best… that separating children from their parents… is okay… when their only crime is trying to find a better life… you better go stock up on some more bibles… because there isn’t enough pages to wipe up all of your shit… to clean the ring around your mouth… the stain you are so full of… all the while we hand back our precious babies… to monsters who won’t even get off their ass to look for a job… let alone take care of their child or children… people who are entitled to something just because they are American… that’s okay… 

If there is anything more American than fighting for a better life… I’d love to know what it is… I’d love to know what all this bullshit is supposed to mean if it is all only words and not what we truly believe… For God and Country… For Hypocrites and Assholes… just another day… drowning in our own shit… 

It Arrived…

monster collab edit

 

“That’s when I was like… She just doesn’t get me… Sometimes it feels as though I’m only talking to myself… shh… acted natural I can see her in the distance…”

“I can hear you Charles… If this is how you are going to be the whole time… Maybe we should go home… I only wanted to have a good time…”

Charles whispers “She gets like this every time there is an end of days… Wait where are you going?… Don’t run away… Every time…”

 

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Peter makes this look easy… if you don’t know who Peter is… he is the mad genius behind Little Fears… if you don’t know who Little Fears is… well the link is for you… if you like horror… comedy… odd things… and… art… Little Fears is for you… also it is okay to groan… Peter is into that sort of thing… Little Fears Presents It Arrived

Forrester McLeod AKA Katy Boyer AKA we just met so I’m not sure which name she likes to go by… but I have been checking out her art and her website… I have to say I have been very impressed by her work… both written… and artistically… so if you like art… words… or discovering new things… then you should definitely check her out… It Arrived… 

I want to thank Peter and Katy for the invite… It Arrived… was a very fun and exciting concept… being that I’m no where as good of an artist as either one of them… It was a fun and rewarding challenge… to try to get to their level… hope you all enjoy this special week-end post… see you Monday…