So, as you can see I have clearly lost my mind. Oh, wait please forgive me. I forgot that I took your eyes. You can’t see anything so, allow me to describe the horrors you are about to feel and most certainly taste. Hey, have you tasted blood before? Nothing? No Answer? How rude of me you have no tongue which to speak. How silly of me to keep forgetting the things I have already done to prepare for this evening. If by now you don’t think I’m crazy you really should start. That warm iron taste, the one that reminds you of childhood, picking off old scabs, and licking away the blood is from the parts of your tongue that just won’t heal. It should taste sick at first, but by the end of all of this it will become comforting as you hold on to what memories you have left. My apologies regardless, but you have been more than difficult during all of this. I envy you none the less, you know? No one has ever treated me this way despite my demands. I’d pay good money for an experience such as this. It’s always too sick or too wrong. That’s how this all started. Worthless sex workers. I didn’t want it to go this far. Do you believe me? What difference does it matter? They set me free from all my pain. Hopefully I can do for you what others were too afraid to do for me. Excuse my laughter I was remembering the screams and inevitable reminders of past mistakes. The memories like to bounce back in place while I work. Well enough of this talking let’s begin the fun. Never. Never shake your head no at me you sniveling cunt. I’ll cut your dick off and ram it down your throat. Is that clear? Sorry, that was unfair. You didn’t deserve that outburst. It’s just. It is hard being on this side of the veil you know? We’re good right? Your hair is so soft it calms the nerves. Good take a deep breath, first things first we must maintain the sharpness of the blades.
God, isn’t that a sexy sound? I use to do this beforehand Out of sight. Out of mind kind of thing. Always be prepared, but where’s the fun in that? That’s good keep up the moaning. I like that you still try to make words. It’s a little hard to understand you without a tongue in your mouth. If only you could see how hard I am you might appreciate what’s going on. It interests me to see how the muscles get removed from bone. Have you ever watched a butcher work? It’s like magic. The skill, the craft, the determination. It’s almost as if the knife is his hand or part of him. My father use to be a butcher and I’m embarrassed to say that the papers call me the same. I am not my father. I don’t have the skill my father had. It is almost insulting you know? Being compared to a skilled profession such as that. This is more trial and error than anything else. He used to come home smelling of blood and death. Some days he would let me skip school and let me go to the shop with him. He used to say, “One day my boy you will be a butcher.” That is about all he ever said to me. That or this is for your own good before he would beat me. That’s it that simple. Life at times is only that simple. Right or wrong simple minded thought. We know different don’t we? We’ve seen more than just the butcher block. For all his skill and all his talent he was nothing more than a dumb piece of shit is what I mean. He didn’t like my reading, jealous of my education. A transition of the times from craft to thought.
Long story short he disappeared shortly after my eighteenth birthday. Mother closed the shop and I inherited the very knifes you can feel today so, in a way the papers and my father were right and believe me that makes me very unhappy. I thought about becoming a doctor once. Hey, hey you still with me? Good, but now I am only sure that I will be studied by one. Don’t know how that is going to work though as I’m fairly aware that I am what one might call crazy, but then again it’s not me they have to convince it is the twelve other people. Now for the fun part at least for me anyways. I never liked going to the dentist myself, but if I don’t at least pull out most of your teeth fucking your mouth gets a little rough after your dead. There I go laughing again. I had you going didn’t I? I mean I am going to rip out your teeth, but what kind of sick freak do you think I am? Do you honestly believe me too be that far gone? Sit still now this is going to hurt unfortunately. A byproduct of all of this but if I snap the tooth rather than pull it. Well you’ll only have to feel it happening again, but don’t worry I have needle nose pliers as well. Your choice though honestly I can go either way. Shh… Stop your shaking or you are only going to make it that much worse. I know that some of it is involuntary, but you really must try to calm yourself. Think of something peaceful. A happy moment from the past. Your childhood maybe? The laughter is involuntary as well I must say. Man the fuck up already. We’ve made it this far. What’s a little more pleasure? Wait… Did you hear that? Fuck, mother is home. I guess we will just have to finish this later. She hates it when I work in my room. Try not to die now. You promise? Promise you won’t die on me. We still have much to discover about each other.
Not too sure when I wrote this… another take on one of my favorite subjects… torture… this story is more about the little details… for me at least… I like to take similar scenes from the past… and expand on them in some way… that makes it sound like I have someone tied up in my garage… haha… I don’t… not yet at least… but it’s the other twelve people I have to convince…not you…
This as been another installment of Fun With Words or Is He Crazy?… Truth be told what’s the difference any more?… Enjoy talking to myself in the dark none the less… Until tomorrow… I hope all is well…
Time for three or four random questions to be answers… no one asked but here we go… Questions provided by the fabulous Ungame… never heard of it?… there might be a reason…
Question 1: What Is Your Best Friend Like?
She is the type of person… that you’d want to hang on a wall… put on display… someone you always want to be there… and when she is not… you can really feel it… deep down in your soul… luckily I have a wall for such things…
Question 2: Finish The Sentence “The Best Thing About Today Is…”
That I’m not the only one using ellipses… too lame… That I didn’t strangle anyone at work… too obvious… That I didn’t have to tell my daughter to pick up her dead things… too illogical… because I checked out as a parent today… That I got to do something I wanted to do today… Just right…
Question 3: If You Could Live Anyplace In The World – Where Would It Be?
Wow… this is a hard one… because I want to live every where… but I will try to limit to… Japan… South Africa… Australia… Antarctica… Sweden… Norway… Finland… South Korea… Madagascar… if I am limited to the United States… then Alaska… Maine… North Dakota… Montana… everywhere I am not basically… haha… someplace cold… isolated… and has a lot of Asian food… I need trees too… In my head I guess…
Question 4: What Do You Like To Do In Your Spare Time?
What the fuck is spare time?… I enjoy a lot of things… I spend most of it writing though… I love doing that… I always enjoy collecting dead things… bird skulls… I need more… Legos… destroying piece of wood or as I like to call them projects… I’d say listening to music… but I do that with everything… reading… whatever my daughter wants me to do… hide and seek… floor is lava… Minecraft… trying to find time to spend with my wife… watching true crime documentaries… I’m pretty boring…
Got out of that one pretty easy… more random questions to come… next month… looking for words?… check the links below…
In some ways, it feels as if a part of me is missing and in other ways, I feel exactly the same. I hate being apart from her for whatever the reason. The long nights traveling for my job is when I feel it the most. Being on the road is like going through hell and then some. The restless nights lying in a bed of someone else’s filth. They say the beds are clean or at least the card on the pillow states, but are they ever really clean? How does one actually clean up the semen and the sweat that soaks up into the mattress? Sure your nicer establishments have some sort of protection. A mattress condom if you will but the cheaper places? The places I have to stay because my boss cares more about the bottom line than the comfort of the poor bastard who makes that line exist, those places are brimming with semen, sweat, and who knows what else. I find myself sleeping on the floor most nights on the road. Not that the floors in these skank motels are any cleaner, but I’m less likely to sleep in somebody’s fluids.
As I lie on this particular floor I wonder what she is thinking about in our nice comfortable bed. I wonder if she thinks of me or quite simply nothing at all. Another conference in the morning. Another meet and greet with unknown clients. Does well for business though I can’t say the same for my soul. I could say it would be good for me if I was the owner. If I reaped anything from any and all this stress. Anything more than a paycheck. Life seems to be only ever about such worthless things. I wonder if I leave tomorrow night or the following morning. Something I should check, but I’m too lazy to get up off the floor. Either way, it is just one more shitty flight to an even shitter place. When you are young you want to travel, to see the world, but as you get older and then a little bit more that sense of adventure seems to slip right out of your mind. Now all I want is a chance to make up for all those lost years of traveling, of being apart. Those long night without me by her side.
It pains me to think about it. It pains me every time that I see her she has changed a little bit more. Her skin and her hair seem to change each and every time I return. I wonder when the changes will stop. Will they ever? I thought I could stop them, but it turns out no one can. Nothing stays perfect forever. The longer I am gone the farther we grow apart from each other. Disconnected I miss her and I miss her more whenever we are together. Where did those years before go? Did I not live them? Or have I been living in this traveling coma for so long that I simply don’t remember the past at all? One thing I do know, will always know is that she is still waiting for me. I made sure of that at least didn’t I? Back home she waits for my arrival and I’m sure my departure. To her, I’m sure she sees this time as never going or never there. To her, I’m sure that when this trip is over it will all be too late. That is what she said to me last. The words that haunt us. The words that changed everything. She doesn’t say much anymore. Lays in silence mostly. Silently waiting for my return.
Welcome back… this story seemed fitting for the occasion… this story is actually really old… I’m talking over ten years old… I’m not sure of the year I wrote it… but I remember the time period… and even though it is super sinister it was written from a place of love… odd I know until you remember it is me we are dealing with… then it makes sense…
It has been awhile since I have returned myself… hopefully all is well… the world has been changing for a while now… I wonder how much of it is really different by now?… stay healthy… stay safe… because there is always someone waiting for your return…
The things we do to each other The things we do to ourselves Vile, how do we overcome our past Failure, every sense of the word The worlds on fire, we are to blame For what we did to ourselves in our name
The things we do to each other The things we do to ourselves Disgusting, inherently evil Incompetent… Every sense of the word The worlds crumbling beneath our feet Shaken, left for dead For what we did to ourselves in our name
The things we do to each other The things we do to ourselves The things we do for freedom Enslaved, in the end it’s all the same Depraved, in every sense of the word The worlds on its last leg Whom to blame when we are all at fault? Let this all go on for far too long Knew turning a blind eye was wrong Did it anyway, no excuses resting on them Say you care, well now is the time to prove Everything you believe
Beg for change, yet more destruction Beg for a difference, yet more destruction Shut up and do as we say, yet more destruction So damned if we do and so damned if we don’t Running pattern of hopelessness at every turn
Born to condemn, no Born to kill, no Born to Born to make a difference through destruction? Left without any options Isolation, suppression Won’t work this time When the enemy is what we are Human Facing our demons head on Is more than enough reason why Laying down is not a reason to die
I wrote this years ago… never posted or did anything with it because it was too bleak… even for me… Things have changed a lot in the last week… sitting on the sidelines with a knee firmly planted isn’t enough anymore… should have been for people to have taken notice… for people to address that something needs to change… but sadly our world doesn’t work like that… no matter how much we try to improve… history shows… teaches us that lesson… pick a turning point in human history… violence… destruction follows… I don’t want to see it happen… But when the options run out… I understand…
I believe in words… words carry power… words should be enough… I don’t want to see anyone hurt… property destroyed… but even more I don’t want to see this blind eye to racism in America… in the world to continue… I’m tired of a great man’s words… only being a Dream… when they should be reality… We have so much more to offer each other than hate…
Please march… please express how you feel… as long as you remember that those left in the wake of destruction could be ourselves… Be safe… be heard with your words and your presence… don’t lose faith… don’t fall victim to the tactics of hate that surround us… We can change this all for the better… together… Black Lives Matter… but it shouldn’t have to matter when it comes to life and death… freedom and justice… we all deserve to live without fear… now is the time to prove… enough is enough…
Been thinking a lot about life Lately, forever, I don’t know What all this could mean to me Decomposing bodies Thundering foot steps Walking zombies Doing what needs to be done? Living or whatever we call it Excuses made up to feel like lies Truth so hard to come by No one is willing to say Not even me Would you listen Not even me It’s interesting the things We are willing to drag ourselves through All seeing, dancing, and never knowing Blinded by our own ever present Desperation, desperately me Who I was born to be
Do I wear a sign on my head that says I give a fuck?…
Tearing out the eyes Removing the skin Burn the rest that you won’t eat A cannibal corpse Built up on lost dreams Cutting out the tongue Removing the hair Destroy the evidence you won’t need A lifeless corpse Laid to rest upon broken dreams Crushing the skull Removing the thoughts Take what you need and leave the rest An empty shell Given up to shattered dreams Take what you want Take it all Doesn’t matter The soul has been sold Long ago
You know that feeling when you wake up and you realize the meaning of life is nothing you are doing today?.. That’s how I feel…
A dead weight within my skin What am I doing here If nothing at all An idea wasted on the living Overspent on the dead Spend too much time wondering When to join them Moving from side to side Avoiding the facts of the matter A shadow in the dark Not pushed hard enough Regret for all the things left undone
Was unsure when I was going to bring this up… in the middle… at the end… fate as it turned out… decided that now was the best time to begin… apologies in advance… there will be a lot of Broken Thoughts… about quitting and giving up… if you didn’t notice the theme already… because well…
I was really thinking about it… not killing myself… though I guess in a sense it would be one in the same… no… I’ve been… well I was thinking of shutting the whole operation down… the website.. the books… the constant need to be doing something… working on something… the grind of it all… so of course… I did what anyone in that situation would do… I wrote… added two more projects to the pile and moved the fuck on… if you were betting today was the day… sorry to disappoint… it is what I am best at…
If you have been here since the beginning… then you are more than familiar with my self doubt… it is a constant… and I don’t see it going away any time soon… if ever… if this is your first post of mine you have read… strap in… this ride only spins in circles… : )
So… there we go… I’m sure a whole hell of a lot hasn’t gotten done… but I’m also very sure that a whole lot has… in the next three months I’m going to try and do something different… yet very much the same… of course I waited to the last second… of course I had all the time in the world… and of course I’m not prepared for shit… so here we go… time to begin…
Taking eight more hours of my life Lifeless spider crawls across my skin Been dead inside for so long Forgot what it meant to live at all Taking each moment as it comes Losing track of each day Is it Tuesday or Sunday? Does it even matter anymore? Building a nest of dead things in my heart Thoughts and memories I want to forget Burned in my mind, across my skin Feel everything and nothing all the same Strapping myself to the stake Living a life without complaint In death maybe I could be free Maybe more of the same Too much doubt in everything Moving on, where it leads all the same Outcomes and differences are for those Who have nothing to lose
If you concern yourself with other people’s problems… They are no longer their problems…
Counting the minutes until the end Running numbers inside my head Roaming clock of gunshots in the distance Loud noises to prove I’m still here Endless ideas to hold me under Went in early the day that I died Only to know I’ve been here before Thoughts written out in tiny sentences Short little ideas I live out Living was an ideas I couldn’t comprehend Dying seemed too easy to be the plan Stuck somewhere in between complaining Counting the minutes until this is all over Don’t rush me I’ve already skipped ahead Pushing myself beyond limits Burning the candle at both ends? Try doused in gasoline
Smashing myself against the glass…
Desperately trying to hang on Fingers clenched to the side of it all If a dream doesn’t last Is it a nightmare or the end? Some days are better Today is not one of them Running in the night Chasing darkness Desperately trying to hang on To this dream I created in my head Never had another choice They say we have a purpose, do we? They say we make our own future, do we? They say so much shit Infecting and rotting my brain I miss the days when nothing I said meant anything Step after step, can’t turn back All for nothing, all that I have become What was the point of this? If for nothing at all Tired of waiting, tired of even caring Drain my own blood and it wasn’t enough Running from the demon, chasing the dark Running from myself all along Where did I really think I was going With myself tagging along There never was no dream, no army, no wall Only me, only my own demons to conquer Been so blind, so misguided for too long Known the answer for too long A dream isn’t an idea A nightmare or a choice Something we are born with Something we must do, see to the end A battle between good and evil Right and wrong Heaven and Hell A battle that never mattered at all The dream is me The darkness is me The demon is me Need to shut up and enjoy the ride Need to quit waiting Quit complaining and enjoy the life I was given The one I created The one I’ve always wanted Limits are for the ones too scared to look past them The ones I have placed upon myself New dawn rises, where I stand Is where I chose to be Suffer or survive It is all on me
Well that got intense… for me at least… talked out a lot of thoughts out of my head… talked myself off a ledge… need to stop feeling sorry for myself… stop feeling like I’m not good enough to do this… all of this… spent too much of my life doubting myself… hurting myself… pretending I wasn’t… no one cares and maybe they shouldn’t… no where is it written that they should… reading between the lines only get you stuck between two ideas…
Been stuck there for a very long time… stuck in my head… now that I’ve stepped out… where do I go?… what is the path?… what is the goal?.. spent so much time thinking this would get better… this would all heal itself… missing all the better around me… the hope I thought I lost… has been standing next to me all along… locked away by my own selfishness… by my own insecurities… some of you have seen into the window of my heart… between the bars… but I haven’t until today… all I ever saw was the cage… the limits…
The path is clear… the goal is simple… failing is not an option… nothing is over until it is done… I’m not going anywhere… so strap in…going to come back swinging… as I have always said I would… and you should…
“So there I was just minding my own business and guess who comes stumbling out of The Room?” I ask my friend Sam. “Could be anyone in this town,” he jokes. “Fair enough, but why would I care if anyone just came out of a bar?” I ask. “Are you still obsessing over her? She didn’t want your ass in high school and she still doesn’t want you now,” he informs me while avoiding using her name. I pretend to not hear him, “Obsessed is a strong word I think. I hardly think that I am obsessed with her.” Sam takes a bite out of his sandwich his dirty hands gripping the plastic that surrounds it. “So, you are saying that if you did have a chance to talk to her you wouldn’t take it?” I ask him. “I didn’t say that, but then again when am I known for taking a chance?” Sam asks me before going back to his sandwich. “Well guess what I did?” I ask with pride and a smile across my face. He shrugs barely listening to me at this point. “We are going to go out later this week,” I inform him. He looks shocked as he continues to chew. Swallowing hard before he speaks, “You know about Becky right?” He gives me a look that only a best friend could understand. “Of course I know about Becky,” I assure him. He rolls his eyes, “Okay, because I don’t want to have to be the one that tells you I told you so. You’re an adult and you can make your own mistakes.” He pops the rest of the sandwich in his mouth. The plastic is now pressed right up to his face. “An adult? Right maybe when I get back from college. Maybe then I will be an adult,” I joke to him. He places the empty plastic into his lunch box. “Hurry up we need this grave dug up before we can go home,” he says to me. “What’s the rush? It’s not like we didn’t already do all the work up to this point,” I ask him. He ignores me and places my shovel next to me as he heads for his shovel. Four more hours until this work day is done anyway. Shit work but it is better than nothing I think to myself. In the fall I will be gone and I won’t have to do this shit anymore. Waited too long to move on I think to myself.
There is a lot of time to think with a job like this. A lot of time to go over everything, obsess about everything going on or not going on in your life. A whole lot of time to dream and that’s about it. Dig the hole, body goes in, dug another hole, and another body goes in. Pretty simple, nothing to it, and I hate every moment of it. Sam’s dad owns the business. Owns most or runs any of the business in this town that have to deal with death. Makes life for Sam easier and being my best friend it makes my life easier too. I should have started school last year, but that “easy” life rubbed off on me a little too hard. Sam doesn’t have dreams. Well not about taking over the family business and since I am like a brother to Sam I am the next best thing. Go to school get my degree and come back to take over. That’s the plan Sam should be on, but I am more than happy to take the ticket he didn’t want. Honest work for an honest living I suppose. “We could have done a better job,” He says to me as we move the last of the earth. “She was old Sam. Old people die all the time,” I assure him. “If you let them,” he says disappointed to me. “We tried something different and it didn’t work. Now who is obsessing?” I ask him. “It just didn’t feel the same without a purpose,” he says looking to the sky. “Well next time we will make it really count. There is always a learning curve with these type of things,” I say to him. “I suppose you are right about that. At least there’s no chance of anyone knowing,” he proclaims. “No one is going to see the connection, but you do have a point about purpose. We can do this. It isn’t hard, but without effort or purpose then what are we really doing?” I ask. “We are just doing it to do it at that point,” he says. “Exactly and that’s not what I want to do. Next time we make it count. No point of thinking about what can’t be undone,” I say. “We can only get better with practice. Want to go see if we can get a drink at The Room?” He asks. “Of course,” I smile. “Maybe I can get a jump on my date if she is there.” He rolls his eyes and we pack up our stuff.
The week goes as it will always go until the end of time except for today. Today is the day that I finally get my chance. I finally get my chance at the one that got away. Well that is to say that anything ever happened in the first place. She may have pretended I didn’t exist for most of my actually life. She may have spent all her time paying attention to all those other assholes in high school, but tonight she is paying attention to me. Need to treat her right. Treat her like a lady. Show her she is worth more than all the rumors that have been spread about her. She just needs to meet the right person. It is so easy in this small town to get swept up into the wrong crowd. “You got this. You are the one she needs,” I say into the bathroom mirror. We are meeting up at the town diner, maybe go out to the next town over to see a film, and then maybe a little time at make out lane. That’s the plan at least. Take it easy, nice and slow. Show her what she is worth. I head to the dinner in my father’s truck. A rust bucket of an embarrassment, but it runs. Shotguns proudly displayed in the back window as though any moment is a good moment to get a deer. I can’t wait to get out of this town, go to school, and make something of myself. Even if I am only escaping for a moment and not forever. Try not to sound so desperate. You sound like a desperate asshole. Confidence, focus, focus on the positive, and it will reflect. The thoughts of high school, the thoughts of childhood seep back in. All the times everyone took their turn tormenting me. I was always something. Too short, too fat, too smart, and they were always willing to make sure I remembered. Those days have come and gone I tell myself. I arrive at the diner and get us a booth. Becky shows up late to our date.
“Sorry, I almost forgot we were doing this,” she smiles at me. “Yeah, me too,” I try to joke with confidence. She lights up a cigarette. “So just dinner and then what are you going to do?” She asks. I swallow all my insecurities the best I can, “Well I was thinking we could drive over to Selma and see a movie. Just the two of us?” I ask or try to say. Confidence I remind myself. “Yeah that wasn’t part of the deal,” she says to me. “Well no, but I was thinking,” I start. “You seem to be doing a lot of that, but that wasn’t the deal. You said “I can take you home if you go out to dinner with me”. So here I am. We can eat and then we go our separate ways,” she reminds me. “I remember what I said, but I was thinking. I thought why not make a night of it. We never got to talk much in high school,” I start to over explain. “Did you think this was a date?” She asks me. “Well kind of. I mean not a date, date, but maybe it could have been. I mean I’ve never really asked someone out before,” I mumble into nothing. She puts out her cigarette in the ashtray, “Yeah, it shows. Look I’m not trying to come off as a bitch, but we made a deal for a ride home. I was desperate so I said okay. I don’t even know you and honestly right now I’m not in a place in my life where I want to get to know anyone. So, I am fine with eating and going our separate ways. But beyond that I am going to have to say no,” she lays out. “Well I thought maybe we would talk and then maybe then,” I begin yet again. “I don’t think you are quite getting this. You seem like a nice guy. A little odd, but for the most part you seem to be nice. I’m sure you are. A little advice though. When you make a deal for someone to buy you dinner for a ride home. When you do that it’s not the best idea to see if then they want to go out on a date. If you wanted to go out on a date than you should have just asked me out on a date,” she says. “I mean I would have. I should have, but things were a bit off and weird that night. I was going to pay for the food. I didn’t actually expect you to have to pay for your food,” I say disjointed. “Maybe it is my fault. Look if I had known this was supposed to be a date I would have declined. I was desperate and I needed a ride home. You presented the deal and I was fine with it. Dinner for a ride. That was it. Maybe this was a mistake. No, this was. Look I’m sorry,” she gets up and grabs her purse. “Sam it was really kind of you to give me a ride home the other night, but that is all that it was,” she walks away and the bell on the diner door rings. It rings as though it is the only sound in all of the world. “My names not Sam,” I mumble to myself.
Naturally I call Sam from the diner and naturally I go over to his place and explain everything. Naturally he wants to say I told you so and like a good friend he doesn’t. “So, are you done obsessing over her now?” He asks me. “I wasn’t obsessing over her,” I tell him. “You can lie to yourself man, but you can’t lie to me. You’ve never been able too. I knew something was weird the other day. I was just hoping I was wrong,” he says disappointed. “Whatever it went as well as I could have hoped,” I try to play off. “Don’t do that,” Sam tells me. “Do what?” I ask. “Try to play it off. It was shitty. She is a shitty person. She always has been and will always be. Granted you did maybe mix up your intentions. But even a blind man could see you were asking her out on a date,” he reassures me. “Thank you, that’s all I wanted was some validation. I tried Sam. Told myself to be confident, to act confident, and I crumbled like I always do,” I tell him. “She really thought you were me?” he asks. “Honestly that was the worst part. I thought getting turned down made me feel like shit, but when she called me you it was like a knife to the heart,” I confess. “Well you are still breathing so, I hardly think it was anything like a knife to the heart. If there is one thing either of us know it is what that is truly like,” Sam jokes. “Very funny,” I say back to him unimpressed. “Looks lets go get a drink or two and forget about this whole shitty night,” Sam suggests. “I guess that’s about all there is ever to do around here,” I say frustrated. “Oh, cheer up we could always go to the movies in Selma,” he antagonizes.
We head over to The Room to do the only thing there is to do in this town, forget. The Room is packed with people as it always is. Sam and I walk to the bar to order our drinks, and I see her at the other end. Surrounded by men. “Don’t even look at her,” he says to me. She picks up her shot off the bar as the men around her watch. They all cheer as she finishes it off before taking a drink from their own drinks. “Maybe this wasn’t the best idea I’ve ever had,” Sam says. “No, its fine,” I say as the bartender hands us our drinks. “Another, another,” the other side of the bar chants and the bartender walks away from us. Sam and I take our drinks to a table at the far end of The Room. We don’t say much as we sip our drinks. He sits there drinking while I sit there staring at the scene across from us. People walk by and maybe Sam speaks to me, but all I notices in a room full of people is her. Her taking drink after drink. She deserves someone better. Someone like me. Not those assholes she surrounds herself with. Not the ones that will only use her and throw her way. She deserves someone who will worship her like I do. We get more drinks and I watch some more. “What do you want to do?” Sam asks me and my eyes never leave her. “I want to destroy each and every one of them,” I say without thinking. “I’m sure you do and I can’t say that I don’t want to help you, but we both know that will solve nothing,” he says to me. “Sure, it would. Take away the distractions and there will be nothing left,” I say in a low tone. “You need to get your shit together man. We aren’t going to fuck up a good thing because you can’t keep your head straight. Surely not going to do it for her,” Sam says. “Then what do you suggest all mighty one? What is it that we should do?” I ask. “We take out the problem,” he says as if that is the only answer. “Is that not what I suggested?” I ask turning my attention to him and away from her. “No, you suggested adding to the problem. You are planning to make this worse. When you should be planning to make this better. Have faith in me and we can make this all better,” he says to me. I sit in silence as I stare into his eyes. Looking away only to notice her preparing to leave. I watch as she stumbles out of the bar with two men closely on her heels.
Sam watches as intently as I do until the three have left The Room. “I don’t know about you, but I notice a pattern,” Sam says to me. “That I will never be good enough for her?” I ask. “If anything you are too good for her, but no. What I have noticed from all the times we have been watching her leave is that if you get enough drinks in her she will leave with anyone,” he says slyly. I look into his eyes. “Notice how disappointed the others are.” I look over to the men she left behind. “The one on the left doesn’t seem too happy. I imagine he looks a lot like you did when she turned you down,” he says. “So?” I ask. “My guess would be that he was the plans she had for later. She was who he was meeting after dinner with you,” he expresses. “I could see that I guess,” I take another drink. “So one could infer that she doesn’t always leave with the one that she came with,” Sam points out. “If this is some sort of pep talk about how she is a whore I don’t need that right now,” I tell him. “I imagine that you don’t. If you could move past your own obsession then maybe you could see what I am trying to tell you is all that you need to know to get what you want. What we both want,” he says. “What is it that we could both want out of her?” I ask. “I know that you are hurt or broken or whatever, but now is not the time to play stupid,” Sam finishes off his drink. “Well it is a little late to do anything about it now. She already left with those other two guys. I’m sure she is panties down and knee deep in cock right now. Are you suggesting we take them all out or something else?” I ask. “Neither, all I am suggesting is that if we want to get even. That would be our in.,” he says. “Wait until she is completely drunk?” I ask. “Precisely,” he raises his empty glass in the air and the server signals that she will bring another. “Swoop in and take what it is that we deserve,” Sam says to me. “We?” I ask. “She isn’t on the list,” I say to him. “No, she isn’t is she. But maybe she will fulfill our purpose none the less. Question is how do we get away with it?” He asks me. “I’m sure you will come up with something,” I say to him.
These things take time. Revenge, takes time. Too soon and it becomes too obvious. Too long and it all sinks into oblivion. The right balance Sam would say. A mixture of time and effort. Others were caught because they didn’t think it through. Spent too little time forming a plan. They were sloppy. Checks and balances. We keep each other in line and we never lose sight of the purpose. They want us to be nothing so we became nothing. Background noise for their lives. It is what we do in the shadows that proves who we really are. The plan was simple. Less complicated then the last. “Just like Mike we make it look like something else. Stage it to be something else. Who doesn’t hate themselves? Who doesn’t have thoughts of taking all the pain away?” It all seems so simple even if it is not. Nothing can be overlooked. Anticipate that everything and anything will be. Checks and balances. Use what we have. Bring only what was needed. The plan was easy enough, but nothing ever goes as planned.
“You seem like you could use some help,” I say to her as she stumbles out of the bathroom. “Don’t you always seem to show up when I need someone the most,” she slurs as she stops to talk to me. “You are looking like you had one too many,” I say to her. She puts her arms around my shoulders more for stability than anything else. “You may be right about that. Might be making some stupid decisions once again. You ever make any stupid decisions Sam?” She asks me through blurry eyes. “I can think of one or two I might have made in my life,” I tell her. She stares into my eyes trying to figure out who I am. “Let me take you home. It is the least I can do,” I say to her. No deals this time. A simple suggesting this time around. “I think maybe I’d like that,” she says confused. Looking around The Room everyone is too caught up in their own lives to notice just like we had hoped. No one notices Becky and I as we make our way out of the bar. I guide her to the truck as she goes on about how wonderful I am. I try to keep my composure as I get her in the truck. My hand brushes against her breasts as I put the seat belt on her. “You think you want to try something?” She asked threw slurred words before giving me a kiss on the lips. It should have been everything I imagined it to be. The stale taste of old alcohol left on my lips. If I had known it would have been this easy could all of this had been avoided?
Closing the door of the truck I take one last look around. No one insight. No one to notice that she left with me. I hop into the driver’s side and turn the engine. “So where do you live again?” I ask knowing that it doesn’t matter. Her hand falls into my lap as I make the turn out of the parking lot. “Is that really where you want to take me?” She asks as she rubs the inside of my leg. I can’t help but get excited. Finally finding her way to my excitement, “Guess it’s not.” She rubs her hand over my jeans getting me even more excited. “Didn’t think it would be,” she slurs. I drive on out of town. I look at the clock and realize I am ahead of schedule. “There may be some time to work something out,” I say to her. “Oh, there is always time to work something out”, she jokes. I keep her talking to keep her awake. Before turning off into an unmarked road not far from the state park. “You got a secret spot I don’t know about?” She jokes. “I might know a secret or too,” I tell her. “I like a good secret,” she says before taking her hand off of me. Driving slowly through the woods I try to not get more excited as she undoes her seat belt. She starts to take off her clothes starting with her shirt, “Hurry up and take me to this secret spot because I want to fuck you already.” She slips off her bra exposing her breast and I try not to wreck the truck. Working her way out of her jeans I slow the truck down to a stop in front of the planned spot. “Well if you want any part of this you better come and get it,” she shouts before jumping out of the truck in her underwear. I turn the truck off as she stands nearly naked in the truck head lights. Stands there wanting me. Wanting something even if she doesn’t know who it is from I remind myself.
I grab a few things from behind the truck seats and get out to join her. She runs up to me as her breasts jiggle with each step. She slams them into me as she runs into me. She giggles as she wraps her arms around me and gives me a kiss. We kiss as I lead her backwards away from the truck. I drop what is in my hands hard onto the grass and take her into my arms. She works her hands down to the opening of my pants. “You know what I was thinking?” She asks between kisses. “What?” I ask between the same. “Why aren’t you fucking me yet,” she says as she frees my cock. She falls towards the ground taking me with her. We make out some more in the grass as I take her panties off. She lays beneath me with her legs spread. I look down at all of her bathed in the headlights of the truck. This is all I ever wanted I think to myself. “I don’t have a condom,” I say to her. She works the rest of my pants down off my waist, “Just stick it in already Sam.” I want to say my name is not Sam. Let her know, but then I remember Sam will be here any minute. Sam would not approve of this. This wasn’t part of the plan. I shove myself deep inside her. Over and over, and with each thrust she cries out. She demands more and more. I grip her ass with both hands and give her one last final thrust before I finish. I can feel everything leave my body, my mind until the only thing left is the thought. This is love. She opens her eyes. “Is that all you got? I thought you said you were going to fuck me? What was that like two second?” she rants. My penis slides out of her as she continues to complaint. Reality comes flooding back in with each one of her insults. “See this is why no one bothered with your loser ass in high school,” she spews out. My anger builds, my frustration comes flooding back in. I want to scream as I put my hand around her throat. “Oh, so you do got more left in you?” She questions through gritted teeth. “Give it to me then you pussy. Is that what you need? For me to insult your bitch ass,” she berates me. I reach for one of the things I brought. I reach for a part of the plan. Anticipate that you will always forget something. I shove the barrel of the shot gun deep inside of her. “That does seemed to be exactly what you need you,” I squeeze her throat stopping her from saying anything else. I reach around for the trigger of the shotgun. All I can feel is what is left of the barrel sticking out of her. I release my hand from her throat and slide my body back away from her. “That’s what I’m fucking talking about. Now fuck me with that rock hard cock,” she shouts. I pull the trigger and watch everything unfold in slow motion. I watch as her face turns and her words cease to exist. I watch as her inside get pushed out from within. I smell nothing but burning flesh and shit, and my dick becomes harder than it could ever get.
“What the fuck have you done?” Sam shouts at me with a noose in his hands. I let go of the trigger and rise to my feet. My shirt is covered in blood and my pants around my ankles. “Put that fucking thing away,” Sam shouts at me. Confused I realize he is talking about my dick. “This was not part of the plan,” he continues to shout while I pull my pants up. I needed more time I think as my penis pushes against my pants. “You stupid, obsessed dumb fuck. You had to fuck her didn’t you? You had to go and fuck this up? The plan was to hang her and watch her die. Make it look like she couldn’t take anymore,” Sam raves. “Doesn’t look like she can take much more than what I gave her,” I try to joke. “Shut the fuck up,” Sam says in a slow manner, “Shut the fuck up.” He begins to pace throwing his hand around. “Let me think. Just let me think,” he says over and over. I stand there silently looking over her body. Looking at what it was that I had just done. “Did you cum in her?” he asks. “Did you?” he asks in rapid succession. I reach down and pull the shot gun out. Bits of flesh still left on the barrel, “I don’t think it matters anymore.” Sam lets out a noise best described as a huff, “Doesn’t matter? Doesn’t matter? DNA asshole have you heard of it? When they find her naked body what do you think they are going to look for first?” Sam rants with his whole body. “Good luck finding it,” I declare pointing the shotgun at her destroyed corpse. “You know for the smart one. You are pretty fucking stupid,” Sam shouts at me. “It’s destroyed. Whatever I put inside her is long gone now,” I declare. Sam makes a face, “Or maybe it is splashed all against her chest and face, and any other place that shotgun sent the rest of her.” He shakes his head. “We don’t know anything. They have to look for her first and find her. Animals I don’t know, but anything left could be long gone before it even matters,” I try to reason. The stress building up in his face Sam rubs his face hard as he tries to calm down, “We clean up as much as we can without making it look like we cleaned anything up and we will be fine. We bleach the shot gun and burn your clothes. We should be fine. But if you ever.” He pauses dramatically, “If you ever go against the plan again I will kill you.” The real Sam comes out and we get to work. Checks and balances don’t always work, but they are there for a reason I suppose.
If you didn’t read Let The Good Times Roll… It can be found in Broken Thoughts Vol. 1 Between Me and You… Priced to sale at only $4… But that’s not all to find in this Volume… With a blend of poetry… thoughts… and stories… it is very much something different… something to read while you wait for Volume 2 to release…
I don’t have anything to say, but of course this is not my fault. It is probably in some ways yours as I take no blame for anything that are faults of my own. No, I am from a generation that is like every generation before it. Masked and paraded in a way that makes us seem different, but each generation is the same. My generation’s mask seems so obvious. Ripe for the picking. My generation expects to be rewarded for showing up. We deserve the world because we were promised the world. I choose my hours and I expect to reserve the same amount of hours each week dispute quality of work. I’m here am I not? Bow before me and kiss my feet. You can’t replace me with a robot. Not yet at least but until you do. Know that I am in charge. Glad I could be the one to inform you. Don’t make me get my mother on the phone. She will only say what I’ve been told all this time. Don’t worry I won’t call her unless I have to. A weapon I keep in my back pocket. A weapon that has no repercussions but I know I can use. This is only the start of what I deserve, what I expect from this life. Outside of work I expect much greater things. I know I deserve a mansion full of food and a car that does zero to sixty in less than ten seconds and a phone blazing fast phone and a TV bigger than a wall and I deserve these things because I exist in this world. I need unlimited connection to this world I have no real knowledge about. If these small demands. No if these basic necessities of life aren’t met so help me I’ll have no choice other than to milk a system I had no hand in creating. You may see me as a fat pig begging for more, but no I am nothing more than a small, starving, and dying child. Nothing is not guaranteed as long as it has been on TV. I’m not sure this is right. I’m not sure this is true, but I’m sure at one time or another I’ve done at least one of these to you. Justified in my actions. Justified in my thoughts all I know is it couldn’t have been my fault.
Something very different… I found this buried deep within my files… maybe I should have left it there… but where is the fun in that?… I’m not sure what triggered me to write this in the first place… but upon reading it I was triggered again… I tried to leave it as is… not add anything to it… I’m sure I did though… write something over and over again… it will change…overall though… I think a lot of “us” are treated like this… as a child… sometimes justified… most of the time not… we get grouped up in this group… I believe that is where this stems from…
Hard to say when it was written almost a decade ago… I have a lot of notes and files… saved up of course… in case I don’t have anything real to say… : )
Oddly enough… I do find myself having this stupid debate about generations… more than anyone should… the best argument of course is that we are lazy… don’t know anything about hard work… expect so much… blah… blah… blah… truth is yes… with each passing generation we have become all of those things because we are advancing… each generation rewrites the term “hard work”… as it should… each previous generation defines “laziness”…
Because… “Do you know what I had to do for insert something“… “Do you know what it took to get insert something“… “Yes, grandpa… You had to walk eight miles up hill because apparently you grew up on a mountain… We have electric scooters for that now… no one has time to be walking”…
That was a weird paragraph… but you get the point… hopefully… I’m to lazy to reread it again… I never said none of it was true… losing the point… wandering off… it shouldn’t be news… but it is… we are no lazier than the last generation… unless you are talking about this new generation because…. it is sad really… my daughter is too lazy to even finish the YouTube video… she expects everything to run off an app… and apparently if we don’t have something/ she breaks something… it’s okay… “You can buy another one”… Hands me my phone… fucking Amazon…
Speaking of… Books now available in paperback and digital on Amazon… In case my daughter broke yours… I promises that the sentence structure… makes way more sense than this…
“I tried to quit smoking recently and it didn’t go well. Go
well is a bit of an understatement really. In the aftermath though I realized a
few things about myself. Turns out I wasn’t addicted to smoking or some oral
fixation, which sounds like I will suck on anything pointed at my face by the
way. No, the reason I can’t stop inhaling dried leaves laced with additives and
chemicals is because I am addicted to a much darker thought. I am addicted to
the thought of death. Even if it is a slow drawn out death. One filled with
hacking and an overall weathering of my body as I watch myself slowly extinguish
like the very thing I love. I am fixated on the thought of death to just stop
myself from killing myself. Does that make sense? In some ways we are self-destructive.
That isn’t a new idea in this world.
Some of us shoot shit into our veins. Others barrel down the road in hopes that
a child doesn’t pop up in a school zone. I put something to my lips and take a
deep breath. We as humans are addicted to destroying ourselves. On purpose or
by circumstance we can’t give it up. I can’t think of one thing that I do that
isn’t killing me in some way. Which may be a good reason to give up one that I
know will, but why? What’s really in it for me? Life always ends in the same
whether we want it to or not. Right or wrong all we have in life is faith that
we are doing what is best for ourselves even if it is not. Our judgements and
our thoughts are ours, but sometimes there is no need to express every last
one. The mind is a terrible thing to waste and sometimes hearing a piece of it
can be too much to handle. Opinions maybe like assholes and everyone’s got one,
but it doesn’t mean we want to hear them,” I spill out. “Yes, these are all valuable
points Layne, but what were you thinking about at the time?” The lady with the
clip board asks me. “I prefer Ambrose,” I inform her. “My apologies Ambrose,
but please answer the question,” she says in a way that lets me know that she
doesn’t care. This is another job. Another moron she has to deal with. “Those
were my exact thoughts give or take a few on the spot additions. I tend to
fixate on an idea and kind of “black out” or chew on that idea for a while.
Well until something else pisses me off or annoys me. Then I switch to that
one,” I ramble on. She give me a look that I have seen before. Everyone gives
me that look whenever I try to explain myself. Same look just before they roll their eyes.
“Those were your exact thoughts when you were,” she pauses
to flip through some papers on her clipboard. “Ah yes, here we are,” she
finally says before turning the clipboard towards me. She shows me a picture of
the aftermath of my actions. I try to not look at the picture, but when it is
basically shoved in your face it is hard to look away. “Those were your
thoughts when you did this?” She asks again. I fidget against the restraints
they have me in, “I mean give or take. Yeah that is what I was thinking about.”
She turn the clipboard back to herself and flips back to where she left off. “How does it make you feel doing what you did
to that innocent lady?” she asks me. “Well it doesn’t make me feel good, but let’s
not throw around the word innocent so loosely. I mean if you would have heard
what she had to say and the way she was saying it. My actions might almost seem
justified. I mean in the right circle,” I try to joke. “Justified? This isn’t a
joke Mr. Ambrose. I’d hardly call decapitating a defenseless woman in front of
her children justified because she was simply informing you about the harm you
were doing to yourself,” she says all butt hurt. “Words, words, words it is all
about how you say them. That’s the thing about perception. I’ll tell you one
thing. Those children learned a valuable lesson that day,” I say in a less
playful tone. “What possible lesson could those poor children have learned from
you that day?” She asks with fire burning in her eyes. “Besides the obvious? Those
kids learned that sticks and stone will hurt them, but words will surely kill
me,” I let off a dark sinister laugh.
Horrified the doctor gets up from her chair. “You are sick Layne Ambrose,” the doctor tries to say over all of my laughing. “You haven’t been paying attention,” I say in a low tone between all the laughing. She stares at me. Puzzled as I leap at her from across the coffee table. Dislocating my thumb before I leaped at her I knock her to the floor. I sit on top of her as she tries to fight me off. She isn’t strong enough to get me off of her. I pop my arm thumb back into socket and grab the pen the lays next to us. “Help,” she screams. “Help me,” she struggles to say as I put my hand on her throat. “Someone,” she fights to say as I stab the pen into her neck over and over again. She slowly stops fighting me, but I can see the life still left in her eyes. I release my hand from her throat as more blood rushes from her wound. A large hole in the side of her neck. “You think I am sick?” I ask her. “You think? Maybe the next one will be smart enough to keep their opinions to themselves,” I get up off of her and head back towards my chair. “I think we are going to need some help in here,” I shout as loud as I can. “This one seems to be leaking.”
So if you remember
last year I tried to do this whole insane asylum story arc?… When There Is No More Room…. This story was actually an out take of that
story… well it was supposed to be the catalyst to the doctor character getting
the big job… very early on idea… because eventually I decided to make that
whole story pretty much take place in the past… so me being a live in the 50’s
is a bit of stretch… so why am I in the story?… that seems weird… and it is…
but it also isn’t… even before No More
So.. so.. long ago… in
another galaxy… I had this other idea
for a novel… I still might do it… but even after all these years I still haven’t
come up with a way to not make me seem like a self-centered asshole… which I am
but it doesn’t have to be so obvious… the idea any way was to create a vast
network of short stories that all involved me in some way… so this one… another
that takes place in outer space… where one of the characters drops a line like…
“Have you heard about what’s going on down there? Have you heard about Layne Ambrose?”… all
different genres… all different stories… all involving me…
Yeah… let that soak in… it is a dumb ass idea… but early on… it seemed like the coolest idea ever… whenever you start something new… ideas seem easy to come by… not good ideas… or even great ones… those take years… and that is what I learned in all the years that I have been writing… this was a one off story I wanted to share… give you a taste of what could have been… and will most likely never be… you didn’t ask for it… but you are more than welcome….
We are playing The Ungame one last time this cycle… I pick six random ass questions from the stack… and away we go…
Turn 1… If You Were Convinced That Reincarnation Was A Fact, How Would You Like To Come Back?
No real need to convince me of reincarnation… fingers crossed that all of this is to come back once again… who wants to only live one life… from one perspective?… boring… This one is pretty easy for me… I would want to come back as a bird… unsure what bird though… being a penguin would be amazing… gliding through the endless ocean… dodging death at every turn… living in the cold… but I would want the ability to fly high above the earth… or to be able to fly at all…see everything in a way I could never in this life time… go anywhere my body could take me… not have to live in the restraints of a society I was born into…
To me being a bird means freedom… freedom to do whatever it is that you want… being any animal seems to be that way… but knowing life I’m sure that we are all stuck in some sort of cage…
Turn 2… Complete The Statement; “One Thing I Missed During My Childhood Was…”
Hmm… I’d have to say I was pretty lucky… sure maybe I could have used a Dad… didn’t but maybe I could have… could have spent more time with my extended family… didn’t but oh well… I wouldn’t really say I missed anything because it is hard to know what you missed if you didn’t know about it… everything could go one way or another… and I’m pretty content on how my life turned out… if I had to pick something though… I would say the sense of home…
I move around a lot as a child… and even into my young adulthood… which is something that is actually hard to complain about… I’ve seen and lived in place that some people have dreamed of living or seeing… some people have worked their whole lives to be able to do what I had the opportunity to do… so I’m not going to go on some long rant about how I missed all this shit I didn’t know about… but sometimes I get jealous of others… that didn’t go anywhere… that idea that no matter where they go in this world… they can always go home…
That is a pretty strong… comforting feeling… I only have one place out of all the places that I have lived that I consider “home”… and I can never go back to that place… it was a time and place I can never get back too… maybe that is how it is for others and I don’t know… or maybe it isn’t… one of life’s many mysteries…
Turn 3… What Makes You Laugh?
haha… some dark ass shit… my line for comedy is pretty thin… would I laugh at my own mothers death?… maybe… what’s the joke?… I tend to not get so offended by what people say… because people say a lot of shit… an ungodly amount of shit really… and I fit right into that… maybe it is from being ugly… being bullied as a child… but it takes a lot for me to get angry rather than laugh… so much so that I get in “trouble” for just saying whatever in person… I tend to not think about what it is that I am saying… or who I am saying it to… and sometimes… I may or not have crossed a few lines…
Things that make me laugh… murder… serial killers… missed placed words… miss placed actions… new age rappers names… death… life… race… humanity… dogs… cats… fail videos… too much man ass in a movie or show… sex… stupidity… myself… my daughter… people trying to hard… slapstick… comments… and stupid shit… I’ll laugh at anything… and even when I don’t… I tend to laugh at the situation…
Turn 4… If There Is Unnecessary Laughing – Some People Might Be Afraid To Share Their Feelings. Be Aware of the Mood You Create! Take another card.
This made me laugh…
Turn 5… Say Something About Earthquakes.
They can move the earth… How is this even a question?… they just got lazy on a few of these… fun fact… I have been through a few earthquakes… nothing horrific as the ones on the news… but there are places on earth where they just happen… no big deal… lose a picture frame or lamp and move on… those types are actually pretty fun… I rather enjoyed them… the ones where people die?… fuck that… That would not be fun at all…
Turn 6… Do You Ever Feel Lonely? When?
This is two questions… lazy writing… learn the rules of your own game… avoiding the question maybe?… I get lonely because I am human… It doesn’t happen often because I was an only child… so I can feel it… but I move on from it rather quickly in general… The loneliness I feel when I am not around my wife and daughter… is a little hard to move past…
I feel that constantly… right now… even… I want to write and get some work done… but I miss them… wonder what they are doing… what we will do later… I would say that the idea of loneliness has changed a lot for me over time… I wouldn’t call it a learned behavior… I’m sure that I was lonely a lot as a child… but I didn’t know it… so maybe that is why I overcompensate so much as an adult… I’ve been called clinging… haha… yeah me… but for the most part… I love to be alone… It is all I really know… I find so many things to do in this idea of alone… sometimes it can be hurtful but for me it is relaxing…
What?… I think people who are only child’s will understand what I mean… everyone else maybe not so much… so many sides to a coin… I can admit though that the feeling of being a lone is very overwhelming… but so is the idea that there is always someone there… there needs to be a balance… just like with everything in life… in truth though we are never truly a lone… that is one thing I have learned from this life… and this website…