Chewing On Glass…

This empty space is killing me
Becomes all I can think of
As I wait in silence
An exercise in understand nothing
This crowded space is destroying me
Becomes all I can think of
Trying to avoid you
Waiting through all the noise
In an attempt to understand something
Can’t seem to find an equilibrium
In me or in this life
Dragging my misery along with me
Uncomfortable in this rotting bag of skin
Overwhelmed with these feelings in my head
Don’t know what I want but I know what I don’t
Being human I don’t think was for everyone
These cat people might be on to something
Who wants to be themselves
When they could be anything else
This empty space is killing me
Becomes all I have in this life
This crowded space is destroying me
Becomes the only way I can get away from this
Stuck somewhere between two spaces
With no answers for what to do
With no explanation about the way to feel
Understanding nothing to understand something

Whose fault is it that you believe everything you read?…

Conditioned to believe in such silly things
This is the way it will be forever and always
Conditioned to understand how it is
This doesn’t even make sense when nothing changes
Stuck in the same old place for a set amount of time
Tires spinning and I’m not going anywhere
Words repeating in my head as time slips again
So it goes, So it goes, So it has to go
Is what I’ve learned to be told
Visions of what we think we know
What is a man? What is a woman?
What does it matter to you or me?
If knowing means you don’t know
And not knowing means something different
Then I guess it didn’t matter before either
Conditioned to believe any of this makes any sense
Been this way forever so it has to stay
But it’s been this way longer than you can believe

What is anything under a microscope?…
But something with a story to be told…

Burning myself from every end
All I want is to crawl under a rock
If only there was time for such a thing
Running away and doing nothing
It turns out isn’t helping
I don’t feel any better
Ignoring the bullshit as it stacks up
The thought isn’t working
Not feeling any better about any of this
Buried so far down here
Below the surface of the life I left behind
Don’t know how much further I can go
With these words and thoughts that I know
Running away and doing nothing
It turns out isn’t helping
I don’t feel any better
Ignoring this bullshit
Stacking up around me…

In retrospect everything seems so little… so insufficient… My problem is that I get all caught up in things… things I don’t even care about… seem to tangle me up in their net… wrapping tighter and tighter around my neck… and I know that I shouldn’t let them… but I do…

Call it life… it isn’t… call it the way it is… maybe… but it doesn’t feel right… It doesn’t feel right that I should and do waste so much energy on things that… that don’t mean anything… work… what other people think… how I appear… what little of things that I don’t have when I don’t even want them…

The net it drags… It clings to my skin… and I can’t help but to let it reel me in… Fighting it doesn’t feel any different than just letting it happen… I wanted more… now I’m not so sure… I wanted less… and now I just don’t know… Breathing is so much easier when you don’t notice that you are even doing it…

I guess that’s all I really want… to try without knowing I am even trying… I don’t miss youth… being any younger isn’t really a thing… Life isn’t determined by time… measured maybe… but determined?… It is little more than another step forward… a distance not mapped out by time…

We always think the next step will be something greater… and so far… I have noticed that it never is… I don’t want any of it back… Happy to know what it is I understand… even if understanding is knowing that each day… I move further from the best day I ever had…

I just want that feeling… That feeling of freedom I didn’t even know I had… That idea of freedom I didn’t even understand… until it was gone… until I gave it away… No one stole it from me… No one even asked for it… I’ve simply forgotten how to try without knowing I am even trying… And it isn’t ever going to come back…

I’m not dying… and even if I was… I hope I never notice I am… Because I know it will hurt more than it has too… Purely on principle of what we already know and understand about knowing and understanding…

Another day rolls over… I move on… not further towards an imaginary edge… or up an imaginary hill… or even towards death… I simply move one more step further from where I was yesterday… and Sisyphus smiles as though he had a plan all along…

If you though that was interesting… You should check out what I do in a landscape of a fictious world…

A Lie… is about the depths we will go through to stay alive…