Chewing On Glass…

Told myself I could but
I couldn’t
My ego isn’t that of one
Who can weather the storm
Constantly building in my head
I wanted more and now
I don’t
My self-esteem is that of someone
Who could disappear like a ghost
Constantly dying in my head
I had more to say and know
I wouldn’t
Never designed to go any further
Than wherever this might be
You wanted it so bad I guess
You can have it
There never was anything here
Worth me dying for
I believed it was true
It wasn’t… fuck…

An illusion I can’t seem to wrap my head around…

Took longer than it should have
To understand there wasn’t nothing
Sitting over there waiting for me
Everything I had… everything I needed
Was right here with me all along
Was it enough… probably not
Was it worth it… who knows
Before it’s all over and done with
No one… not one of us can really say
Took longer than it should have
To think if we thought we’d agree
On most things but we don’t so we fought
Over nothing thinking it would be something
Was it worth it… probably not
Was it enough… never was going to be
Took way too long to think of a thought
Something that means absolutely nothing

A few more broken thoughts to never remember…

Lost in a train of thought
That isn’t what I thought of
When I said I didn’t care
This was only meant to be
Temporary and now it is everything
Lost in a train of thought
That isn’t letting go like I thought
When I said I don’t care anymore
This was only meant to be
For now and now it is all there is
Running around headless and stuck
In a thought that isn’t going away
I can’t tell you how much I don’t care
Can’t show you either how little this means
Do what I have to do
This never-ending nightmare is all that I am
A cog in a machine I promise you
I don’t care to be but I also know
I can’t find a way to leave

Rant incoming in… 5… 4… 3… 2… 1…

I hate work… my job… my coworkers… everyone and everything about them… fuck them all to the ends of the earth and back around again… An endless loop of fucks and suffering… fuck I care???… Okay… now that is out of my system… I guess we can talk about something else… Maybe break down these broken thoughts to never remember…

Because everyone knows it is more important to make more dirt… that is why we are all here after all… from every plant… every animal… anything that has ever lived… has had a purpose… and it has been perfect… We are all perfect little flowers… basking in the light of the sun… waiting for our moment to fulfill our purpose…

Turns out all the lies ever told were true… we are all worth something to someone… or some things… master plan… Feels good… Doesn’t it?… I hope so… I hope it inspires a thousand sunny days of happiness… On second thought that is only 2.7 years in earth time… I mean spread over a lifetime… I guess that’s not so bad… Statically it could be way better… But you get what you get… and you don’t throw a fit…

Perspective… introspective… Took longer than it should have to think if we thought we’d agree… Because none of us ever thought to think that we all think of the same things… Fruitless dreams… More than happy to keep cultivating misery… Wouldn’t want to hurt any bodies feelings… Disappearing like a ghost… No one will ever know it was me secretively sitting on the throne…

Like I said we only ever had one purpose… Whatever happens between then and now… in between… is really up to us… isn’t it??… Isn’t it?… Or so I was taught to believe… I guess we’re all taught something differently… It’s too bad we couldn’t agree on most things… So… we fight harder and harder to achieve our one and only purpose… much sooner than we really had too… Overachievers… Employees of a lifetime… Hope all is well… it isn’t… but we’ll be just fine in enough time…