Broken Thoughts… Don’t Wanna Mess With Me…

The fog is thick against my calloused skin
An armor I’m supposed to wear with pride
Ashamed to admit it doesn’t make me
Feel any better about this life
Experiences are all we are made of
Cold and calculated
Broken hearted
Smile the pain away one more time
As this life ticks away
Every second one more reason
Every minute just how it is
A burn victim with no symptoms
The skin fits tight against my frame
Slowly living myself away
Invisible scars are all I have
To keep me warm at night
Against the fog, against the pain
We are all here to suffer
Think I’ve earned my place by now

The whole thing has left me rather exhausted…

Easier to pick the body apart as it rots
As she
As she feeds piece by piece
Picking apart all the things I thought
As she
As she tears me apart
Still have crimes to answer for
Just because I don’t say them
Doesn’t mean they don’t consume me
A constant nightmare played out in my head
Easier to swallow it whole before it rots
As she
As she constricts my soul
Choking me with all my thoughts
As she
As she tears me apart

I have felt worse things…

Chasing a new kind of enemy
A darkness that surrounds me
Storm clouds rolling in
The thunder shakes the ground
Lightning trying to strike me down
A hate that comes from within
Chasing storms as they roll in
A new kind of enemy
Hailing down upon me
Tornado approaches
Standing my ground
No more running from my creation
Suffering through a new kind of destruction
Waiting out the storm that is myself

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Broken Thoughts… Got Everything I Need Sitting on Broken Knees…

Nothing changes, never stays the same
The present is a waste
Looking to the future
Stuck in the past
Waiting for something new
The next thing that wants to kill me
A waiting game sitting on my hands
Hold me down by the throat if you must
Force feed me the pills to silence
Won’t make any difference to me
Because nothing changes, nothing ever stays the same

Because when you are gone I remember every word you said…

Reflecting on my insecurities
Possessive, needy
How is it that I make you feel
Obsessive, controlling
How does it make me feel
Dismissive, hating
How is it that I make you feel
Submissive, defying
How does it make me feel
An asshole in sheep’s clothing
Decisions that you’ve made
Won’t go away so, the feelings stay

Become something I’m not…

Drowning out the thoughts with repetitive words
Replacing dead memories with empty things
Has worked so far
Because if I don’t I fall apart
Looking at the cracks across the pavement
Trying to keep the tears in place, buried in my eyes
Drowning out everything with one more drink
Replacing dead thoughts with empty ideas
Has worked so far
Because if I don’t I fall apart
Searching for something more among the living
Pretending I’m not dead, buried in my eyes
Drowning out every depressive thought
Hasn’t worked so far
Staring at the glass as I pour one more

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Broken Thoughts… Looking Past the Glass…

Loved you from the moment I met you
Love you even now as you hold my heart in your hands
I’ll love you as I watch you crush it into nothing
I’ll love you as you set ablaze
I love you because I do
It’s not a feeling or a thought
Not one moment or a life time
Said I wanted to with you until the end of days
By your side is all I ever meant to say
That’s where I’ve always been
Until you decided to walk away
Wish I could pretend that none of this felt like this
Feels like dying an endless death
Wish it didn’t mean anything like you said
But I’ve loved you from the first time we met

Life is full of surprises… Destruction of a person…

How many hits does it take to destroy a heart?
More than you think
Less than what you need

Standing in darkness avoiding all the light…

Bleeding for one
Bleeding for control
Lifeless, dead, nothing left
Break me, I’m broken
Hate, I’m hating
Wait, I’m waiting
Live, This is life
Get the point?
Because I’m not

Took a long ass time… finally closing the chapter on the thoughts from last year… almost all caught up on my notes… yeah… I write a lot… all the time if I can… mostly Broken Thoughts and poems… but I’m starting to write stories again… Not quite like riding a bike… unless you are supposed to smash your face into the ground while riding a bike?… Not sure… haven’t wrote a bicycle in a very long time…

Well I’m not going to start now so I’ll never know… what I do know is that this part of the thoughts is done… get them down and get them out… hope all is well…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Broken Thoughts… I Like This…

Twisting me, turning me
The waves swept me away
With every breath, every gasp of air
But the words already left my soul
Losing everything only seemed right
What I deserved
After losing you nothing could compare
Took longer to die
Than it took to realize the words were always there
The images play out
But the words always remain
The pain it must have took to tuck me in
Cover me up with a blanket of lies
Walked out to sea one last time
To see the stars behind your cold dead eyes
Took me in once, what is one more time?
Prayed to something I don’t believe
Offered my soul to take the pain away
Had no idea, a price I couldn’t afford

To do is to suffer…

How is it that I can be so wrong
While being so right
God gave me what I needed
I wasted it all on me
Giving in was much easier
Than I thought it could be
Religion, religious text states
Pride before the fallen
A complete circle turned into a habit
I miss you though I don’t have to
A distant memory forced to forget
Pushing feelings aside only to wonder why
I’d kill myself to just relive it all again
Jesus is said to have died for my sins
Cardinal rules I was forced to break
Now I’m broken with only a reason to blame
You are more me than I am you

Not hung over… Just wish I had more…

Spelling out my love with the blood
How much more do you need
The debts are so profound
Give you every last drop for a lifetime
Would that be enough?
What I promised could never be enough
Or have you forgotten?
Maybe it is you who should rethink
What I mean to you
Forever and a day was never long enough

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Broken Thoughts… Collecting Points For A Better Soul…

The blood tasted fresh at first
A sickening feeling in my heart
Hands around your throat
If this is love then I hate the taste
The way you make me feel
Dying inside, scratching at the casket
The earth tasted fresh at first
A sickening feeling in my head
Broken neck syndrome
If this is love then I hate the taste
The only way it could have been
Only way any of this ever ends

Killing off, cutting off the dead limbs…

So much pain
Digging down, buried within
Took everything to get here
My soul, all the blood
Still so far to go
Getting up seems to be
The hardest part
Crawling out of the grave all along
A home, a thought I created myself
Blame those around me
Forever lying to myself
The thoughts come to me
In a dying song my heart can’t stop
Singing

So you think any of this matters…

Hollowed out soul
Give me all of your shit
Addicted to you
Gun stuck in my throat
Give me more
I’d live but it is not
Everything I thought it would be
Hung over, burnt out
All I wanted was to escape
Came back running
Too afraid of who I could be
Without you next to me

I promises this isn’t becoming a thing… but let’s talk about that last one… It could easily be about a person… might even read that way to you… could easily have been about cigarettes for me… would fit right into how I felt when I tried to quit… but for me it was about alcohol… I didn’t get full blown addicted to alcohol… which is why I was able to write something so clearly… When I tried to write during the time I tried to quit smoking… it was dark… unclear… and I buried it all deep away… when I say it was dark… you know I’m not fucking around…

Addiction can be… is something… that a lot of us can’t escape… I wasn’t even that far along in my alcohol downward spiral… and I still think about it nearly every day… I think for me I was still in that “searching for a feeling phase”… not in “this is me phase” that I am in with cigarettes… point is I was able to get out from under alcohol… I can’t get out from the cigarettes… yes I am aware that is an excuse… I’ve made peace with it… addiction is different for everyone… some addictions are worse than others…

When I hear about people addicted to heroin… it breaks my heart… especially when it is people younger than me… it is a death sentence… not a matter of if… but a matter of when… I can’t judge… we all do what we have to do to see the end of the day… but heroin… pain killers… I’ve never heard… read… or seen any happy stories that end well with heroin… the sooner you seek help the better… never taking them is even better… I can imagine how coming off that shit must feel… and I know I wouldn’t even come close to how it really feels…

I get trying something… I get finding out for yourself… but there are just somethings in this world you shouldn’t fuck with it… I’m no fucking saint… no role model for the next generation… but staying away… seeking help… is all that I can say…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter…

Broken Thoughts… With The World Behind Us…

A child
I have one
I still am
Feel everything
A mistake
I am one
Stuck in the past tense
I still feel everything
A reason
Still feel lost
In the same place
Going nowhere
Maybe I should
A child
I’ve always been
Still feeling every feeling
An anger
I can’t get rid of
A hurt
I can’t help but be in
A mistake
Resting inside my head

Hurts like hell

It’s going to hurt either way
It will hurt more with you than without
The end of everything that I knew
The pain feels real even as I feel nothing
Catching lightning bugs in a jar
Watching the light burn out
Bodies left for the others to know their fate
A burning corpse on the side of the road
All the thoughts left except for one
This idea of hurt is all you’ve left me

I’ve been living on borrowed time

Sit down and shut up
Flowers on a grave
Nothing left to say
Honor the dead and let it go away
No way could any of this shit ever change

Written from the darkness of my mind… lets talk about that last thought… and break it down…

Sit down and shut up

We have this problem in America… maybe the world… where we get really pissed off about something for… I don’t know… well now it’s over… it is a tool and tactic used by our government and media… be mad but also be mad at this… gets to a point where we are all just mad about everything… and we never address the issue that actually made us mad… caused the problem… so nothing ever changes… people become divided… we war at each other until the next problem shows up… put the issue on the back burner… and crank up the next one… Examples… Gun Control… Abortion… Immigration… (Wrote this one based on gun control in the United States… )

Flowers on a grave
Nothing left to say

So we go through this whole I’m pissed and do nothing at all cycle… or do very little… slapping Band Aids on a gushing… rotting… open wound… and in the end this is where we stand on the issue at hand… an impasse.. where we wait for the next one… if you pay attention long enough it becomes a comedy of errors… or if you are an asshole like me… you just laugh and move on with your day… wait did he just said he laughs at the death of others???… yeah… I’m not proud… but…

Honor the dead and let it go away
No way could any of this shit ever change


There comes a time where just remembering those we lost and doing nothing at all to prevent future incidences… is pretty funny… the whole cycle leaves you with a lack of empathy for the next set of victims… Honestly how many time are we going to be sad or shocked that someone… anyone… died by being attacked with assault rifles… when we just keep letting assault rifles be sold in the US… How much do we really care about those that we lost?… when we continue on with the same thoughts and behaviors from before… we don’t care…

So yeah I am the asshole for moving on… but put up a fucking mirror… look into the cold eyes staring back at you and wonder what did you do to stop this from ever happening again?… yeah… the point is it doesn’t matter… conditioned by the very people we put our faith in to make this go away… it doesn’t matter… because if did… we would have changed it already…


No one really cares until it happens to them… sad fact of life… and I hope… I pray… I wish… it never happens to any of you… any one at all… because it doesn’t need to happen… Gun Control shouldn’t be a party issue… it should be a life issue that we all should come together to end… because I don’t bleed Democrat or Republican or Independent… no… I bleed blood just like you…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

No birds were hurt in the making of this cover… well that one is dead but it died of natural causes… still have no idea why the cat ate the eyeball… shiver… good eats maybe?…

Spent Every Last Dime…

Writing from my humid, fart smelling, and spider infested desk has to be the pinnacle of everything in my life right now. Hammering nails into wood would seem almost more productive at this point. Year fucking zero on a life that has yet to begin. I wonder how many more Ghost reference I can push through my brain for no reason at all. Bored with all the time in the word. Sitting still seems like the only thing to do, but I have a mountain of shit I have to do for free. I guess we all bide our time doing something. Broken part of my brain won’t let me just enjoy life. No I have to be working towards something at a glaciers pace on a budget of zero. Maybe today will be the day I drink enough energy drinks and smoke enough cigarettes to kill myself. Unlikely, but maybe the alcohol will slip me into a comma that I don’t give a fuck about what other people think. It won’t, but I need to submit my thoughts none the less. Don’t get me wrong I love to write, but I could do without all the pressure of being liked. I have yet to find any audience that wants to hold me high above their shoulders and chant my name. Nope instead I am sweating my ass off in my garage plotting away a life time’s worth of work.

 It’s hard out here for a pimp. Working away at nothing is exhausting. I know what I would do with all of the attention and it isn’t pretty. But to be honest I fear it all the same. I don’t want to be the center of attention. That is how I have always been. I don’t want to be someone’s hero. I like being the villain and I just want to write. I love it. It is all I do and everything else is something I do to pass the time in between thoughts. Get in line right? Well I already am in line. Been there for a while waiting for my number to be called. Gone through all the stages and been left behind. I can feel my heart growing even more bitter with every day. I’m not there yet, but I can feel it coming around the corner. Digging out the hole in my heart. The more it hurts the closer you get right? Being sober is a long walk to the same exact spot. The more I say the more I want, could use a drink. The depression takes a hold and all I can think is maybe tomorrow. All the time in the world and I don’t want to do anything, but ramble on. Ramble on about my failures in a game that makes no sense.

Nothing handed to you is worth anything at all. Anything worth anything won’t just be found. Stumbled upon maybe, but odds are that it won’t. Digging a four foot grave because six feet seems like too much work. An analogy for my whole life. If only I could change something in my brain. Flip a switch and set all this shit to off. Wake me up when any of it matters and yet I know I’d never flip that switch. All this pain, all this effort, all this waiting has to be worth something. Even if it is worth nothing at all in the scheme of things. Life isn’t about anything other than living, but living is the boring part. The day to day drag of nothing at all. The best moments in life are the ones you don’t know you are living until they have already gone by. Remind myself that this isn’t over, but I know I want more. Feel it in my bones. Rattling around in my head to keep going for a dream that makes no sense. Who the fuck cares what anyone has to say when we don’t? Let alone pay for it? Print is nearly dead and I cling to its dying corpse in hopes that it will pay off. Seems very much like something I would do. Get it from my mother. This optimism that everything will work out if you work hard enough. Where the fuck I get this bitterness I do not know.

Threading the line between optimist and pessimist becomes exhausting over time. A fucking wave of emotions that crashes against the rocks of my brain. Will I or won’t I actually give a shit today? And even if I do will I even do anything with it or just sit and suffer? Living life stuck in between everything else is exhausting. Word of the day. Exhausted and bored with every thought. I could, but why should I? Stuck in between here and there and I just want to be there already. Though I have no idea where there is. Happy? Unlikely. Content? Stop trying to fit yourself into a box. Comfortable? In this skin? Highly unlikely. Fighting for something and swinging at nothing. A circle jerk with no pay off. Lost and lonely, and that is where I am today. Doing nothing at all.

If you click the links maybe some Amazon book magic will happen without you having to buy anything… I don’t know I am stupid and desperate… but if you have a Twitter account… you can click that link… and tell me how much life sucks… or how much I suck… I’m open to interpretation… don’t forget to use the hash tag… #BrokenThought….

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