Chutoro Dawn

We once said yes
We once admitted that love exists
Upon a time there was a me and you
Sixteen counts of murder
Forty five different sins
Had to come down to this at some point
Flashing moments that this could last
Fleeting idea that there was more to this
Upon a time, upon a burning body
Staring into each others eyes
Seventeen counts of murder
Forty six different sins
Had to be a reason this went on for so long
Young love seems so irresponsible
Lust only a reason to drive us on
Upon a time, upon your naked body
The blood drips and the love dies
Eighteen counts of murder
Forty seven different sins
Me and you until the very end

 

It was like praying to God while the devil stands by your side… Something was happening but not what you ever wanted…

 

Standing in the darkness
Staring right through it
Your body lies in pieces
A work of art 
Made of flesh and blood
Hacked off all the limbs
To prove a point
The darkness consumes me
I have to admit
I’m starting to like this
Laughing through the pain
Laughing right through it
Your agony was therapeutic
Chaotic and to the point
Getting right down to the core of it
I’m starting to understand who I really am

 

We get lost in all these stupid fucking words… These endless conversations about nothing that when something important comes up… We are at a loss for words…

 

With marked bullets piercing my chest
There can be no rest

The wicked have fallen to the saints of all things
The lie spread through religion
The lie living within us all
Flames rise up, surrounded by a wall of fire
Breaths become shallow, inhaling the flames
Devil broken, beaten, and gone
The evil lies within
The evil consumes the meek
Massacre in the streets
Blood rises with the tide
Full moon catharsis
Pray for lies to become truth
Pray for soul
All you know locked in a book of lies
Locked away deep in your mind

 

The Ungame turn…. fuck I don’t know anymore… “If someone were to write a book about you… What do you think they would call it?”…. How Much Time Do You Have?… haha… actually it is titled… Fuck… I Hate It Here… one day I will finish it… one day… I keep telling myself… 

Threadless… shirts… Amazon… books… Etsy…. art… Thank you to all of those that support me every day… 

Chewing On Glass Dog Theme

Broken Thoughts

Somewhere in the darkness
Just before the light
Lies something so dark
It hides in plain sight
Worlds live and breathe
A price to pay
A debt so low
What could come from this
If nothing at all
Watch the sky as it burns
Even on the darkest nights
Still can see the blood
Who does it bleed for
If not for you and me
The truth so hard to find
When the lies become so easy to digest

 

A bible left on a bench
Verses stuck in my head
Bleeding for a cause
Dying for the dead
Wait out the end of the world
Cautiously continuing what’s already been done
Too afraid to try anything new
Coughing up blood from all the fun
Destroying everything I love
If I knew why I’d tell you
Locked away in my mind
All that matters at the time

 

Taking this one step at a time
Taking it one step further than Christ
Gave up all my sins
Now there’s nothing left
Dragging myself up the cross once again
The pain comes on fast than slow
Growing old with so much left to go
Who am I if I am without sin
Who am I to beg for forgiveness
Drinking blood to understand where this began
The body begs the question of what have I done
Said you’d never leave now here I stand
All alone with nowhere to go

 

Easier to lie than to live your life
Spitting blood for the taste
Waiting out the storm of our lives
Hidden in the dark never had a reason why
Feel as though all of this has been said before
Giving into the reason why
Without context doesn’t make much sense
Nothing ever really does
Picking out the parts that I like
So broken left dead inside
Who I’ve always wanted to be

 

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Been trying to get back into Twitter lately… been very lazy or very busy… depends on where your sympathies lie… stack of canvases that need to be finished… worked on… done something with… a stack of ideas that need to be worked on as well… I keep piling it on… forcing myself to take on more… spend the time wondering why?… have I always been this way?… am I only noticing it now after all this time… always moving… always going… what does it mean to sit still?… in my broken… warped mind… it means certain death… a fallacy I want to believe… rather than one I need to believe… so there has been that as well…

Me trying to relax… and dare I say… have fun… it isn’t going well… I don’t get it… I don’t like it… but I know I need it… I need to learn to enjoy what I have before it is gone… those around me… my friends… my family… society as a whole… there is some shitty metaphor about how no one is an island… true even if I keep trying to disprove such a thought… a notion… that I could be wrong… all of this is weighing on me… my mind… the question… what do I want from life?… 

I have no idea… I spent so much time avoiding the question… running from it… putting things in front of it to hide behind… nothing stops it… like the great Jason Voorhees that fucking question just keeps coming… except maybe one thing… one possible outcome to put this damn demon to rest… an answer… a solution to the problem and question… and that is the real issue… I don’t have an answer… I don’t have a realistic idea of what I want… all I have is a fantasy… a lie.. I keep telling myself to get by… as we all know… we can only lie for so long until the lie falls apart… 

That was a lot to lay on you… and this is yet another moment that I will dwell on… where does all this come from?… now you know… even if it is only a glimpse of how I see the world… see myself in it… been human for so long… ready to be so much more… time will tell if any of this ever gets better… 

“Not all martyrs see divinity, but at least you tried”….
Maynard James Keenan, Eulogy, Tool

 

Threadless Shirts… Amazon Words in the form of books… Etsy… Thoughts in the form of art… 

Begging Me To Stay…

The skin bleeds as the knife digs deeper
My skin spreads open revealing bone
The skin peels back as I pull
My skin lies in a pile on the floor
The skin is a metaphor for something I don’t know
My skin is missing but I am whole
Who I’ve always been
A separation between skin and man

 

Every silver car and every crowed stream
I’m sick of always cooking on your dreams
Starting to get to me
All the leftovers of your evil ways
Clogged arteries and every fast food chain
How many different ways do you need to die
Go ahead discuss, I’m all ears
Beat me over the head with your fears
Here are a few of mine
That all of this won’t sink in
Okay I have more
Not enough time to give a fuck
Dancing on the way to our deaths
Join the conga line you un-American prick
Subscribe here to submit your like
They make the difference we couldn’t commit
How can we fail if we’re already dead
How could any of this ever matter
Except for in our heads

 

Forever is forever and eternity is only for a second
Eternity is eternity and life is only for a minute
Life is life and thought is only for an hour
Thought is thought but suffering is for a lifetime

 

Can you see everything you’ve become
Every little thing you have done
Like memories burning in the sun
Feel every ray and question why
Projections of thoughts against the wall
Reflecting on nothing at all
In some way became something
Each and everything
Apart of something bigger
Picture unclear, vision blurry
Think one day I’ll know
By then it will be too late
Time has a way of reflecting
The things locked inside our minds
Now is not the time or place
But at the end it all becomes clear
So we hope, so we believe
Kneeling down to you
Standing before the altar of time
All the signs pointing in every direction
All the paths wide open
What do I do?… 

 

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Got a little weird with it today… felt like a weird day to me… maybe because I actually got some sleep?… unsure been awhile since this has happen to me… anyone with kids will understand this next part… had the night off from my daughter… had the whole night to do anything I wanted… so I chose to sleep… and we can all agree I made the best choice… 

Been working on more paintings… will be posting more in the next few months on my Etsy… I’ve even been working on some stuff that isn’t just paintings… trying to unlock something in my mind that I know is hidden in there somewhere… what it is I’m looking forward to finding out… 

In the mean time… you can check out more on Amazon… books… Threadless… shirts… Etsy… art… and any comments or reviews are always helpful… thank you for taking the time… see you all Monday… by then this good mood should have worn off… : )

Broken Thoughts

It’s been a minute…

Gave up more than I’m willing to admit
Pushed it away like it meant nothing
Lied to myself and wonder why I’m so fucked up
Liar, cheat, piece of shit
My anxiety starts right here with me
Gave away more of me then I’d like to admit
God can judge me and the devil can have me
Already knew I belonged to a worthless existence
Wish it wasn’t so easy to feel like this
Gave up so much already
How much more am I willing to give
After it is all said and done

 

Breaking up the moments of everyday life
The bitching becomes routine and only you know why

 

16 hours ago who knows where I was
But 16 hours from now I know exactly where I’ll be
Stuck here thinking about you again
Rotting brain but somehow it all seems okay
Even if the thoughts of murder, suicide, experimentation
Are deemed mildly insane
32 hours spent drowning you in your own blood
Was well worth the lack of sleep
Prison sentence, maybe not, maybe I never left
Always been locked inside my head
Sure it bothers you in some way
Completely normal
Doubt I’d ever do it, never know until you push
Not everything we think, we say
Can be normal in every way
(Completely edited and messed around with this one… more at the bottom..)

 

Picking up the pieces that are left of my life
I’m not sure how much of it can be put back in place
Spent too long thinking there was no end in sight
Neglected everything around me
My friends, my family, everything but myself
Selfishness, who I am, who I’ve always been
Excuses I tell myself to justify my actions
Unforgiving and out of touch
The pieces slip through my hands
Trail of blood, a trail of pain, a stream of consciousness
All the little fears I tell myself to get by
Smash my head into place

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As promised the unedited version of that Broken Thought… Not all things start out how they were originally written… (Bold parts are the changed or omitted parts)…

16 hours ago who knows where I was
But 16 hours from now I will know exactly where I am
Stuck here thinking about you again
Rotting brain but somehow it all seems okay
Even if the thoughts of murder, suicide, experimentation
Are deemed mildly insane
What can I say not everything we think about
Can be normal in every way
Alright I know it’s not okay but it feels right
32 hours spent drowning you in your own blood
Was well worth the lack of sleep
Prison sentence, maybe not, only one way to tell
Doubt I’ll do it, but never know until you push
Sure it bothers you in some way
Feel the same if it wasn’t so normal to me
To feel this way
What can I say not everything we say
Can be normal in every way

As you can see I cut a lot of fat… changed or condensed some lines or thoughts… I also wrote a few totally new lines as well… In some ways it changes the context of the thought… but only by a little… Often in these Broken Thoughts that happens… Mostly because some of these broken pieces of thoughts are years old… I have changed… a little not much… but enough that my thoughts have changed on the matter… 

Threadless… shirts… Amazon… books… Etsy… art… until next time… enjoy your day… 

Hidden Meaning Lost On Me…

Facts

Had to get something better
Only to see how it feels
Feels the same only worse
Nothing is ever what it seems
Nothing seems like it ever was
Lost over time
Still not sure what I have become
Adult, child words
Have no meaning until you give
Purpose to them
I say I care but I don’t think
I ever have
I lie to make myself to feel better
Now I have become the lie
And I feel like shit
If only I had a purpose
If only I had meaning
If only I could become the words
I pretend to live by

 

Inside, Still Hurting

Had a dollar
Now I have five
Lost it all
Now only left with lies
What is the cost of a soul
Slowly choking
Slowly dying
If you haven’t guessed
It is you I despise
Words can be missed judged
Actions never get taken the wrong way
Make it up as you go
These are the truths that
Only encompasses a lie
Felt I had more
If I only realized
I’d burn all this shit down
Start over
Once I eat the ashes
The new god will cease to live
In your pagan made up language
Sold my soul to assume my goal
Now how about you?

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“But at least you tried”… Is my favorite lyric from any song ever… bonus points if you guessed Eulogy by Tool… that seems to be my life right now… seems to be my life looking back… seems to be my life looking forward… doesn’t matter what happened… is happening… will happen… at least I tried… But is that good enough?… is anything ever good enough?… for you… for me… for anyone?… so fed up with trying to be good enough… because the answer is no… nothing is ever good enough… for god… for our parents… for our loved ones… for ourselves… down and out… and yet I keep swinging… keep pushing forward… keeping going on as if somehow I will overcome this feeling… this idea… that one day everything will be good enough… life’s a bitch… and then you have to live it… 

Threadless… shirts and merch… Amazon… more depressing ass words… Etsy… overpriced subconscious art… 

Non Carbonated… Yet Still Tastes the Same…

The chambers of the heart
Keep pumping blood
Even if there is no will to go on
Patience but for what
A long waiting game for nothing at all
I carved one out
Only to give one up
Nothing feels natural anymore
A made up act
I call love

The bullet grazes the side of my head. It hurts like hell, but it’s not death so at least I got that going for me. Digging myself out of this ditch is going to be the real bitch of all of this. Left for dead and now I have nothing left to lose. With every step sliding. Mud blood drenched, water logged, and full of pain. If the body moves then never count it out. Pushing through all the bull shit. Pushing through all the pain. I will kill each and every one of them. Slowly until their last breath translates into my own suffering. The anger drives me to do what needs to be done. 

My rage is all I own
Tells me everything there is to know
Dictates a path through the fog
My rage is everything and nothing
Wrapped in a package laced with explosives
Thought I knew the sequence
How would I ever know the truth
This is all part of something
A never ending novel with no resolve
The actions take place long ago
But the fall out is here and now

We are all so damaged in some way. A bit off but mostly no one notices until they spend some time with you one on one. Sifting from place to place as though nothing at all. Already so gone from everyone around me. I want to disappear even further. As close to death as I can get I assume. Far removed from this world of money and greed. I’m tired of thinking or feeling if I only had this. What is this when in reality this is nothing? Freedom apparently is all of this shit. I hate everyone. Surprised it took this long to say. Why bother with anything if everything bothers me? So sick of human touch. The thought of decay we spread every day. I’m so sick from the feel of it all. Tomorrow I will run away, but I know that my ass will be glued to this place. Where could I really go in a planet full of us?

It would be fine if only I had the answers
Or maybe if I knew the question
Goes together as though they fit the same puzzle
My head is cluttered with all that I remember
Blocking out any new thought I could possibly imagine
What I am, who I am
Is not what I once was
Though what I’ve become

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Had no idea where this was going when I started… still don’t… always the best… fit together like a puzzle or overall chaos?… such is life sometimes… been busy behind the scenes doing nothing I suppose… it is summer here after all… I hate summer… all about the winter… all about the cold… the decay… the eventual rebirth of the planet… that time between death and life… has me written all over it… only forever and a day until we are back to that… in the mean time… I get to sweat my ass off… locked away in my home… brooding over thoughts about nothing at all… so a normal day really… just more sweat… mixed into the blood… 

Happy to announce that I have opened an Etsy store… still no idea how it works… should be another train wreck on top of a four car pile up… needless to say I am hyped… if you have the time check it out… still working on more… also working on different things than I normally would… thanks to my friends PeterKaty… and Lemons support… so thank you to you three… and thank you to all that like and support me… means the world to me… until next week… Stay Classy WordPress… 

Threadless… shirts and shit…. Amazon… words and shit…. Etsy… art and shit… Twitter… mindless self indulgence… and shit… : ) 

Broken Lines

Something has been lacking in my life lately
Motivation, a will to live, I don’t know
Not very enthused about anything…

Dead, I’m dying inside to let it go

Sleeping with my eyes open

Society will fuck you with no reason why

What does it take to be human

Working hard to do nothing at all

Dragging me down, weighted down, cement coffin

A sense of worth, the feel of pain

What does it take to be a woman

A sense of belonging, the feel of regret

What does it take to be a man

The idea of existence, the feel of love

All the traits that make you human

What’s the point in the end if it doesn’t matter

My feelings are taking me to my grave

Smile real big, it doesn’t hurt
Does it hurt to smash your own face in
Because I keep doing it
With the same fucking smile
Ask me again, what was the fucking question

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Thought I would try something different… six shitty poems cut up and left on the screen… it kind of follows a pattern… in other news… I opened up my etsy shop… sadly for right now… I will only be able to ship within the US… but only until I get the hang of it… figuring out how to ship a painting is going to be fun… would prints be a better idea?… all a waste of time?… judge me in the comments below… : ) … 

Threadless… merch… Amazon… books…. Etsy…. for art and such…