Broken Thoughts… Do Not Crush or Chew… Swallow Whole…

The razor blade digs into my side
A contraption meant for something else
Reusing useless item to make a point


The absence of your insignificance

Spitting the venom foaming at the mouth
I loved you so much that I wish I was dead
Standing at the crossroads of crucifixion
A place that meant so much before
Words carry no weight
Cliched, depraved edition of everything said
Spinning in circles looking for something that isn’t there
A long ass sentence with no point
Left alone so long ago
Abandoned to the point no one knows
Lost in time and space
All the ideas we decided to create

Selfishness and everything I strive to be

Hung over, fractured skull
Left regretting mistakes
Still processing all the shame
Brain on fire and only one to blame
Stand still, watching the world spin
Slowly becoming, sober

Flesh from the bone… heart torn from the soul…

The flames of despair are flaring up again
Taking away any confidence I may have had
Searching the world for my ego
Stealing from all those around me
Demented dimensions of disproportionate thoughts
Shattered shadow slowly dying in the dark
Lost everything when I lost you
Took away anything I thought I had
A talent for noticing how fucked up I am
My will sways in the wind
Broken branches littering the ground
Up routed and so far from where I began
Where do I go
Standing before a fork in a destroyed road
No path free from your corruption
No path that hasn’t already been worn down
Sell my soul for a little peace
A thoughtless thought that haunts me

Burning through my notes at an unusual pace… honestly trying to clear most of this mess off my desk… move on to something new… I’d love to start working on my novel… well I have but I have been at an impasse… Been too lazy… collecting excuses… collecting pages of distractions… Been so long I’m starting to forget what it was even about… not a good sign… figure it all out in time… everything in time I suppose…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Broken Thoughts… Even When I Ain’t Saying…

You keep coming at me
Sticking your face where it doesn’t belong
Maybe it is your ideology that puts you in your place
Maybe it is all the things that you couldn’t say
Beat you down to make it go away
A constant fight with too much at stake
Killing the reasons that drive me insane
Choking all these feelings, put them in their place
Maybe it is all the things I have to take
Maybe it is all the times I have felt raped
The words sink in and I don’t know what to say
Too many days feeling this way

I don’t play God I just Sheppard in his beliefs

Your little tragedies are building up
A cut here, a scar there
The blood rebuilds but never heals
A truth we don’t want to believe
Invincible in the sense that we are not
Riding this thoughtless thought out

Taking each moment in

Falling victim to the flames
Standing up to the walls of Christ
Stuck somewhere in between
A theory, a thought on it all
Trying harder to not try at all
Trapped in a wake I can not escape
God had a plan she just forgot to tell me
Rising above the tide, a glimpse, a vision
Comes to mind but why should it ever
Make any sense
Intention are never the same as actions
Reading minds never got me anywhere

The voices take me under

The darkness hides a secret
A truth we could never take
The nightmare of it all
Inflicted with so many issues
Praying is one way to bring in the demons
Drinking has always been
An escape I could never afford
Breaking down all the reasons
You are still in my mind
Miss the days it was only
You and I
My regrets aren’t the ones hidden on the surface
Resting in the shadows
Sleeping on the cold floor of my heart
Miss everything I could never have
Choices made
Decisions out of my control
Spreading messages I don’t even understand
Saying shit I don’t know how to say
Broken, I wish they’d just go away

Chipping away at all these notes… feels good to get some of this off my mind… my heart… my soul… if words were an avalanche of shit… I’m buried under them… haha… could you imagine?… may have thrown up in my mouth a little bit… if you have ever changed a diaper… the smell alone… shiver… haha…

There is no good transition from that last paragraph… though technically is it a paragraph if all the sentences are broken up?… never covered that one in school… odd they never covered any of my style in school… well that’s not fair… they probably did… but more in the what not to do… so you know I wasn’t listening… obviously… : )

In a good mood today… feeling life… writing all this depressing shit was a drag… kind of felt like who is this asshole?… then I remembered it was me… still in a good mood… good moods are bad for me… I’m not feeling this at all… this is very much gun to my head writing… but you deserve more… and I want to give it to you… maybe you don’t feel that way… maybe you think I am crazy… hey no one reading this really knows… listening to Where Is My Mind by The Pixies… (Not even going to link that… because you should know that song…) Getting lost in that under water sound…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Broken Thoughts… If I Had A Tail… You’d Never Know…

They say I’m depressed
Enlightened by the idea
They even know me
The loneliness creeps up
Digs deep inside
Have always felt I have been
Left to die
A child’s thought buried inside
How long am I willing to ride this out?

Torn Between… Everything is fine…

My head is finally empty
A feeling I’ve been searching for
Though I don’t understand
Everything seems pointless
Repeated over and over again
Suicide doesn’t seem painless
But really only the next step

A sober thought lost in my mind…

The spiders shall crawl across your skin
From the darkness of you heart
Spinning webs in the empty space
Fading from the structure started
Disappearing in the disappointment
Of a lost idea in my head
Taking a long time to talk this out
So unsure what to say
Too many things killing me
Ignoring everything
Hard to breathe
Too many things getting in the way
Hard to tell
What the hell I’m even saying

Too depressed even for me… Walking it off…

“It has been awhile since we have seen each other. It has been a time since I have been like this. I have to say that I missed this. Missed us in a way that makes no sense.” I bash my head into the bathroom mirror. The image in front of me shatters. Lines of blood across my face and I stare into my cold dead eyes. “You’ve always been so beautiful. The things you do to me. The way you make me feel is unmistakable. You are me and I have always been you. That’s the smile I have missed.” The blood drips from my face, from my teeth, onto the sink, and staring. “They said we shouldn’t be together. I’ll admit I agreed for a time but now that we are back together? As I look into your eyes? Fuck them for ever tearing us apart. Who the fuck are they to decide what we mean to each other? They don’t know what it takes for us to walk this Earth.” I smash my head against the mirror once again. Tiny shards sticking out of my face. “Now let’s go show them what it is you really mean to me.”

That last one was fun… been sitting on that one for a while… no idea where it came from… I was planning for it to be this whole story… but fuck it… new ideas will come… very crazy mix of thoughts in this one… I know I throw words like suicide and death around… like they ain’t shit… need to stress that these are Broken Thoughts… moments that pass… some of them repeat in my head… so I can see why my friends and family worry…

I appreciate it… always have… I don’t use those words for attention… I take them very seriously… they are also only thoughts… feel guilty when I make others worry… because there is nothing to worry about… writing has always been a way for me to get this shit out of me… because that’s how I really feel… suicide and death is shit… there are plenty of things to live for… what else is there really to do?…

Death will come whether we want it to or not… the price we pay for life… so there is no reason to speed it up… there is always a way out… a lesson to be learned… even when you think there is no other way out… you’d be surprised that there is… I have been back against the wall… seen some shit… lived through things I’d never wish on anyone… feet still planted firmly on this earth… didn’t get through any of it alone… things always seem so much worse up close… at times we can feel so alone on this earth… trust me though you are never alone…

If I have learned anything from sharing my thoughts over the past two years… it is that we are never alone… something I think we all need to be reminded of every day… not everyone is your friend… but not everyone is a monster either… protect yourself… but don’t lock yourself away completely… things will get better… sometimes it takes time… sometimes all you have to do is ask… but things get better…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Something Different… In Your Own Words… Special Guest…

Untitled (Perspective In The Infinite…)
By: Unnamed Special Guest

I choke with every breath of air
It stands still and it tastes stale
I cringe at all the sounds of life
They shake my bones and make them frail
I find it harder everyday to keep the things
That make me care

I feel gravity dragging me down
It’s thick and heavy and very loud

Every breath a gasp and blink a weep
It feels easier to let the dark creep
Into my mind and let it drain
Into my veins so they seep

I feel gravity dragging me down
It’s thick and heavy and very loud

I think of final vitals, it wanders through my mind
It sends a lovely shiver up and into my spine
These thoughts and feelings never subside
I wish that I could have a hole
A place to hide, my last home

I feel gravity dragging me down
It’s thick and heavy and way too loud

I’ll find a way to make it end
Not by conclusion, but my own hand
Take the illusion, the one I had
Erase it all, now its not so bad

I feel gravity dragging me down
It’s thick and heavy and way too loud

I’ve been wanting to post this for awhile… the statement behind… rings very true… I didn’t write this in case you missed the by line… I did name it as it was presented to me as Untitled… I enjoy titles… Overall I enjoyed this whole poem… things that stuck out to me though… was the reference to The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath… If you have yet to read the one and only novel by Plath… I highly suggest you do… It is heart breaking and amazing… similar to how I feel about this poem…

The writer… deals with depression on a daily basis… I know a lot of us here suffer from something similar… I also know that a lot of us feel as though it is only us… it would be nice if none of us had to ever feel depression at all… but it is also nice to know we are not alone in this… That’s what I enjoyed the most about this poem… the perspective…

Right Now… And Five Minutes After… Okay Maybe Longer…

On My Desk Right Now

  1. Reciprocating Saw
  2. Mix of ash and saw dust
  3. Stacks of papers
  4. Ash Tray (Don’t smoke…)
  5. Lego building
  6. Pens and pencils
  7. Lemonade (The drink… not the person or Sprite)
  8. Speaker (Playing Feel Good Hit of the Summer by Queens of the Stone Age…)
  9. My head (Wondering… “what the fuck am I even doing?”..)

Answering a text. “Odd because so are we”… Context important only to me.

Looking over the papers. “What do I even want to do?… Write a story?… Broken Thoughts?… a poem or two?… Stare at the screen some more?… Puts head back on desk.

Daughter walks in the room. Screams at me about Ads on her knock off Minecraft game… “Fix it.” Too broke to buy the real thing… she is too young to even know how to use it… or so I think… deflects with… “I’m working”… Feeling like a shitty parent… the feeling will pass… Puts head back on desk.

Picks up lighter. (Seriously don’t smoke…) Lid catches on fire. (Too much fuel in the Zippo… Might be mentally challenged… stressing might…) Closes lid on lighter. Stares at the screen.

Thoughts in my head. I know that they are there… Big ass spider crawls across my desk. (Not Face Hugger Big… but big enough to notice…) “Do I kill it or let it live?”… try to kill it… it is too fast… lost it in the papers… no idea where it went… “Great”… Puts head back on the desk.

More texts. “Did you do what I asked?” No… feel like a shitty husband… the feeling will pass… Respond back. “I’m working”… Stares at the screen.

Instructions. Insert logo image. Insert links. Think of tags. Settle for what you already know. Schedule post. Put head back on the desk and think of something to say. Make something up if you have to.

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Sober writing is for people… who have something to say…

By The Way… You’ve Been Invited…

Yet to Begin

Broken hearted, lost in thought, a dreamer
This world is not what I thought it was
Seeing through the mystery
Searching through the fog that surrounds me
Dark cloud, casted shadow, shallow grave
Three feet in and all ready to begin
Working my way deeper
The abyss was never staring back at me
Always surrounding me
The walls of my prison
The home I’ve always known
Where to escape when there is nowhere to go
Questioning your line of questioning
Scratching at the walls, tearing flesh from bone, hand of broken nails
Heard it all before
Stolen ideas taken as my own
Programmable program, humanity spreads like a virus
No longer do I want to be part of your hived mind bull shit
Fitting in is nothing I ever wanted
So why does it feel, feel as though I failed
When we all know I have yet to begin

Pressure Rising

The images play out in my head
A vision of something better
This could all be
So much better
This could all be
So much more
Ignorance inherit
Value stupidity
Gave up so I could let you in
Hate myself but I blame them
This could all be
So much better
This could be
So much more
My thoughts inherit
Value selfishness
Allergic reaction to everything you are
A nightly ritual passed down
This could all be
So much better
This could all be
So much more
Harder on myself than I could ever be on you
A confession of honesty
I miss the days where I could say
These things to your face
Lonely and it’s crazy
Because this could all be
So much better
This could always have been
So much more

A return to poems… I have been saving a lot of them for submissions… hints the over abundance of Broken Thoughts… though to be fair to myself… I have a lot more Broken Thoughts… Than poems… These two were actually written last year… Last summer… Yeah I sat them for a minute… I decided to group these two together because they have an off kilter approach to the idea presented… basically they start off as one thing and end as another… pretty much where I was last year…

Were they my best ever?… probably not… at least I hope not… no matter how great something is… I want to get better… I think that is important to every day life… I accept compliments very poorly… because I want to be better… negativity hurts… feels like shit honestly… but they have always driven me to want more… hit too many times with a shovel?… maybe… or maybe it is just human nature… no one vividly remembers the time they one that award… or got that A… but you remember that time some asshole told you would be nothing… getting that F… the fear of explaining your failure to someone else…

Of course I do too… and there is only so much abuse that we can take… but if anything was “special” about me… and we are stressing special beyond its meaning here… is my ability to take all the shit thrown at me and use it to fire up my engines… yeah I’m a machine in this scenario… an old ass model… but it still works the same for the most part… haha… anyway what I mean is… people are going to give you shit… you will fail… but embrace it… fear it… but know that it is the only way to get better… don’t let it get you down… if you really want it… then it is all worth fighting for…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Broken Thoughts… Living Until… We Lie…

I’m fat, I’m ugly
Cutting out all the things
That make me, me
What am I  without the flaws?
I’m stupid, I’m useless
Tearing out all the things
That I believe to be
Who have I been all this time?
I’m weak, I’m disgusting
Ripping out all the things
That I allow myself to be
How could I ever justify going on?
Just do
Cutting, tearing, ripping, destroying
The very things that make me, me
Why would I ever cave?
When the demons live inside
This very skin
Where do they live, where do I begin?

It was a nervous breakdown not a redemption

Did you ever really love me
A thought I hold deep down inside
A lie you’ve told time after time
The answer has always been lost in your eyes
Tip of your tongue, between your thighs
Guilty thought I’d never let die
I will ask one more time
I need the truth
So lie to me
Did you ever really love me

“It’s not as though I’m going to cut open your asshole and stick my head in. But I might.”

You’re so quiet
The words must be behind it all
Tearing out my eyes
Don’t care if I live
Only want to die
Kisses from beneath the ground
Hugs, I’ve always been
Everything you’ve despised
The only thing that makes any sense
Is that I am the end of everything
Smiling and I will destroy
My life for your ill will
Eating your heart
Because you already took mine

All over the place today… turning in my own grave… thoughts are endless… stay in the house because if we are all afraid… then it will never go away…

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