Chewing On Glass Presents… West End Love for All the East End Girls…

“So, are we doing this or what?” He asks me for the thirteenth time in the last five minutes. “We need to do this,” he reminds me once again. “We or you need to do this?” I ask barely looking away from my phone. “I’ll slap that thing right out of your hands,” he threatens. “I’m sure you will,” I sigh but I’m not putting away my phone. “Look you need to do this. You are in a rut,” he pauses rethinking his words. “No, you are stuck in some ditch in the middle of nothing town,” he declares. Should have thought harder I think to myself. “Well, I’m not stuck anywhere. I am choosing to be in the middle of nothing town because I want to be,” I let him know. “No one chooses to be in nothing town. Someone chooses it for them or they are there by happenstance,” he tries to recover. “Fun fact I am someone and this is where I have chosen to be,” I say in an abrupt tone signaling I am done with this conversation. “Okay fine, I need this,” he concedes. “Now will you come with me?” I shake my head no.  “I need a second you know that,” he whines. “I’m not dragging my ass across town. I’m just not,” I proclaim once again. “I’m not shitting where I eat,” he admits. “Never stopped you before. I’m pretty sure your bathroom is right next to the dining area in that trash apartment,” I joke. But then I realize what this is really about. I have the nicer apartment. What a little snake, I think to myself. “Okay, you have me there. Correction I have shit too much where I eat. Is that better,” he smiles trying to get on my good side. “Didn’t we just go out the other night?” I ask deciding on a different way to get out of this other than pointing out I am better off than him. “Yeah, but you are single now. So, we can go out more. Maybe even twice a week,” he suggests. “Twice a week?” I ask my eyes growing wide. “That’s pushing it don’t you think?”

Before I know it I am driving his ass to the other side of town to haunt the usual spots. We don’t come here much anymore and for good reason. He tries to hand me a bottle from under his jacket. “Are you kidding me right now?” I ask pissed off. “Do you have any idea how many cops are staked out on this side of town,” I bark. “That’s what makes it even more fun,” he tells me before taking a swig. I shake my head as he puts the cap back on. “Just a little pre-gaming,” he smirks putting the bottle back in his inside jacket pocket. “You need to learn to find your center without alcohol,” I tell him. “Yes, Master,” he claps his hands together and lowers his head. Not amused I keep on driving and ignoring him. “I’m seeing a lot of ladies that should be having my baby,” he quotes excited behind the glass. If he wasn’t my only friend I wouldn’t hang out with him either. “No one should be having any of your children ever, Jackson.” That is a fact for a lifetime. “It’s lyrics to a song. I don’t literally want a child, ever,” he rolls his eyes in annoyance at my lack of excitement for this evening. “Could you imagine?” He asks staring out the window. “I mean how does someone like me, like us, not literally carve the child right out of the womb?” He ponders into his reflection. His voice turning cold as it often does at times like these. “Could you imagine how boring it would be to wait for the thing to come out? Then have to actively try to keep it alive,” he shivers. “Plenty of our kind do it all the time,” I remind him. “Yeah, because they don’t know what they are,” he says turning to me. “I take it you have decided?” I ask looking over to him. “Yeah, I think I have,” he returns his gaze to the streets. “Let’s get ourselves a pregnant one,” he grins. His sinister smile reflecting back to him in the rolled up window.

Something sinister this way comes… no idea why I am saying that… as of right now… it is a one off… something dark to pass the time… Tried to keep it a story for the whole family… snuck a few shits in there though… haha… I guess I could have said crap instead… “I don’t want to crap where I eat”… nope… I like shit better…

Fun little one off story… enjoy the rest of your day… try not to look at the eyes as they pass you by… and wonder what they are thinking about… most of all hope you don’t see me… and wonder the same thing… (over produced sinister laugh)…

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Makes You Better Than Anything You’ve Tried… Broken Thoughts…

Took a wrong turn into the dark
Lost the time, need to find the way
Opened door that doesn’t seem to want to close
Hidden beneath, locked away
Left so lonely, left all alone
Travelling blind into the unknown
Trapped within my own mind
A horrible way to go on
With no guidance
Lost everything I learned
Who I had become
Lost my way and now
I’m looping in and out of place
And now
I don’t know what I will become
And now
I don’t know what will emerge
From the door when I return

“That sounded like a close call”… My whole life is a close call…

I’m tied to you
I’d drown myself if you’d let me
But I know my love would never
Drag me down, lock and chain
Drag me through, high water to hell
Fade, disappear like the binds
That strap us together
Last through heaven and hell
But I know my love would never
Drag me against, concrete and glass
Drag me through, heaven to earth
I’m tethered to you
For better or worse
But I know our love would never
Drag us down, life and death
Drag us through, violence to pain
I’m tied to you
From now until the end of time
The years tightening against our souls
Until the day we become one
Tied, tethered always yours
For better or worse
Sickness and health
Long walk but never alone

Broken Thoughts
Layne Ambrose

Hit a few nerves inside my brain… shook a couple of tambourines… trying something different is always nice… I’m not a romantic writer… if you didn’t know… I sure most people wouldn’t consider words like tied and tethered… as romantic… but I do… because well… I’m me…

Still working on projects… still burning candles at both ends… trying to get anything off the ground… to spend more time inside… hopefully everything is going well… it is a new year after all… ready to start this one off in a better place… I may be getting to far ahead of myself… taking each day as it comes… it is a long walk… but we are never alone… something to remember… something I want you to know… hope all is well…

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She Knows Way Too Much… Broken Thoughts…

Thought maybe this might end
One too many times
Moments in time as they slip by
A crawling feeling from down inside
Took long enough but not long enough
The words escape what I’d like to say
What was meant to be slips away
Gave it all I had and now this is all
Anyone could hope to be left with
A dying breath left on lips of regret
Always more to do looking back
Never enough time to reflect on thought
Did my part but was it enough?
Will anything ever be enough?
When we don’t know what it is
We are looking for in all of this

A heart… a hole… a destiny I can’t afford…

Tapping the well, draining the lake
I wonder what we’d find at the bottom
Lined with bodies, lined with lies
Metaphoric, a thought buried in the mind
A grave left at sea, a grave yard of thought
The list could be endless in theory
But I think we already know
I think we’ve always known
What lies ahead, below, and above
Not only sky, not only lies
Digging deeper through the tissue
Pulling apart the thoughts as though
We didn’t know how this all began
Truth buried deep within
Truth lining the lake bed of the mind
But I think we already knew
I think we’ve always known
What lies ahead, below, and above
Denial more than a thought unheard
Death has always been
Everything it was intended to be

“When you are in your twenties you see the world on fire and think I have to do something to put it out. The older you get the more you realize the world has always been on fire and it is time that I got mine. The warnings left behind by generations before don’t seem as empty as they once did. They no longer seem like wasted excuses of a failure that has failed. The words around you begin to make some sort of sense. Their actions become shared actions. Wisdom comes in waves. Existence of the fire becomes clearer over time as you see the size of the flames. You learn to understand that you don’t put a fire out by running directly into the center of it. Rather you contain it and take it out slowly from the outside. There is no value in sacrificing yourself for something that won’t end. Was never meant to end. But if you could make it smaller? Well then what have you done then? Have you done your part in all of this or only burned on in the flames as the world has planned for you at your birth? Not all questions have a definitive answer. Something you can’t really understand without the time to really think about. Something you can’t really understand until you get there. That is where I am in this world at the moment. A space between now and then. Some days the spark flares up in me and I want to jump into the belly of the beast, but for the most part I’ve learned to contain my adolescent.”

M.T. Billings, Misguided Ideas of a Misunderstood Threat

Broken Thoughts
Layne Ambrose

Pretty odd place to leave things… honestly I wouldn’t waste my time… or yours… if I didn’t think that it meant something deeper… You have probably never heard of M.T. Billings before… and that is okay… because they don’t have a website… we are working on it… from what I can acquire they are still too busy working on any sort of material… if it sounds like I am being vague… imagine how I feel?… there is still a lot to learn about the mysterious M.T. Billings… see what happens I guess… in the mean time… Is That A Funeral? and I have offered to help them in any way we can…

Speaking of… as we move forward with this great big ball of shit… Is That A Funeral? and I have been discussing taking on more authors… we are looking at different ways to do it… different ways to balance the work load… finally catching up around here… has been nice… but I think we are looking for a new challenge… Using what they have learned from me… we are thinking of starting off pretty slowly… maybe a new feature here or there… know more later… look out 2021… Is That A Funeral? is coming for you… (They asked me to say this… honestly if they weren’t my friends… we are barely friends… but when someone believes in you… can’t really just walk away…)

Enough business for today… let’s get down to some thoughts on nothing at all… the empty void in my head has been throwing around a lot of ideas… where to go next… I think I mentioned this already… the thoughts come back in from time to time… which I think is why what Billings said really struck me enough to feature it… where I am and where I was is a space I am currently stuck in… I have more than enough ideas… just unsure if I want to stay where I am or give something new a chance… doesn’t seem like a big deal… and in the scheme of life it probably isn’t on the surface… but changing things up now would mean a few years of my life invested in something different… but what is a few years on a scared heart?…

It is a scary and exciting feeling… growing and expanding is an important part of life… a necessary part of all of this… it is not as though I will be abandoning everything I have done… the differences for you will probably be so minimal that you won’t even know what the hell I am talking about… I’m ranting and this is where I am in my head… on a cliff… ready to jump… now I just have to do it… and stop thinking about it… easier to say when you’re not chewing on glass…

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Dancing At Our Own Wake… Broken Thoughts…

So many words without any substance
What is it all for, nothing
What is it all about, nothing
So many thoughts that go no where
Has to be adding up to, nothing
Has to be going somewhere, nothing
Digging a grave made of words
Of things to be said
Digging a grave full of ideas
Of things that seem to matter
Broken spirit, shaky bones filled with
Nothing at all
So hard to separate
The words from the idea
The thoughts from the point
Of nothing at all

I never said that… Sure you did. It is just that sometimes the words are hard to understand while screaming them…

Faith in the hopeless
Still have to try
Still must push against the wall
Built in the mind
Forever can’t last
Has it always been this way
Locked away
Left to die
Left to suffer
Speaking truth in tongues
Turn to lies over time
Rambling ideas of the mind

A made up identity of all that I despise

Don’t take what was never mine
Get in fucking line
Wait to die
Know the order
“Know the way things are, are how they were meant to be.”
God’s words, natural selection
Do you understand?
A bible written in blood, truth, the only way
Look to Moses as he crossed the desert
Look to the prophet that said
“Stay here, for my people it is time to die.”
Where do you get the will?
To throw a book in the face of us all
Never understood a word at all

Broken Thoughts

Layne Ambrose

I’m sure there are about twelve other things I could address right now… but fuck it… I’m not in the mood… I’ve got Pokemon to catch after all… let’s be honest… can we be honest… Do we really need so many damn Pokemon?… Don’t get me wrong… I will trap… and collect them all… with a smile on my face… but it is starting to get a little crowded around here… do I really need a Pokemon in a teapot?… or one that looks like an ice cream cone?… I mean who thought… Let’s bring back the ice cream cone?… almost a thousand of these damn things… bring back the cone… and while we are at it… the chandelier…

Since we are being honest… and on the subject… What does it say about me as a person… that I am willing to leave a wake of “dying” Pokemon… in a long trail behind me… all in the pursuit to make mine stronger?… what kind of torture simulator am I playing?… pocket monsters?… I’m not so sure about that… I think we may be shifting the blame… the monster has been… and always will be… me…

Couldn’t make it to therapy this week… I apologize… for the outburst… but my therapist thanks you…

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Of Course I Do

It’s always something
Nagging at my brain
Propelling my pain
Could I care?
Any more than I do
What I hate the most
Even more than myself
What I hate the most
Even more than everything else
Is something always
Getting in my way
Forcing itself in
Could I care?
Sadly I do
What I hate the most
Even more than you
What I hate the most
Even more than everything else
Noticing a pattern, maybe a cycle
Didn’t seem so obvious until
I ran it into the ground
Why is it
That we must hate ourselves
Above all else?
Starting to think, to believe
It is all we know how to do

Slowly Counting the Minutes

Inspiration comes and goes
Thoughts of suicide seem to last forever
Who decides what is normal
When we are all freaks
The laws of man make very little sense
Seems so out of place in the idea of time
Habitual thoughts of freedom
Controlled through oppression
Wish any of this made more sense
How can so many lies piece together
To make a history we’ve all forgotten to learn
Life is nothing more than an endless cycle of regret
Waste of time in the end
Constant reminder of all the shit
Left undone

I need some new candles… that’s where I am at… at the moment… could be thinking of worse things… I guess… also they need to make better smelling black candles… hard to be all dark and moody… when the best smelling ones are pink and purple… haha…

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That New Smell Of Dead Things… Broken Thoughts…

Took in everything that you said
Thought about what it was
And tried to not end up dead
Now I’m hanging by a razor blade
Hanging on by a nail
Swinging to the sound of
The words that were said
The thoughts that meant so much
Then and not so much now
As I watch it all die
Swaying in the wind
Because I’m hanging by a razor blade
Hanging on by a nail
Swinging to the sound of
Everything that’s to be said
About the feelings in my head

Took away… taking all of this… what was I left with?…

Speaking of a way to take this all away
Reciting all the ways you mean so much to me
Can’t tell the difference as the lines
Begin to blur between death and matrimony
Gave everything else a chance
What’s one more day without rest
Burning this candle from end to end
With a can of gasoline and a few matches
Here we go again with the woe is me
Digging the glass in deeper
I can’t help but to adjust to my new smile
Because some days can feel like the last
Nothing can take a way a feeling buried inside
Guess I’ll see you on the other side
A haunting sort of apparition standing over your grave
Some things are just fated to be
Like your love for me
Sunk my teeth in and now I’ll never go
Chasing death with the strength of love
Digging a grave from the friction of my feet
Because some things are just fated to be
No matter how hard we try to secede
Expect that death always had a plan for me

Well it is hard to see… with your head up your ass…

Drain the blood
For what it’s worth
A vampire with no regrets
Is like a zombie without a place to be
Took more than anyone has
To let you know
I’m not dead
Inside, outside, above ground or not
Sucking the life out of every moment
Took it for all it was worth
An appendage without a purpose
Is like a life without a place to go

Broken Thoughts
Layne Ambrose

Can we be honest?… Let’s be honest… that last thought was pretty much trash… but for some reason I really like it… not even in a settling kind of way… there is maybe like two solid lines that would be great for thought breaks… but I couldn’t bring myself to pull them away from the thought…

If you agree know that this isn’t a sign of things to be… if you disagree know that this isn’t a sign of things to be… I don’t remember writing it… but decoding my thought… I can tell I just wanted to use vampires… zombies… and appendages in something… also the best line is easily… “Sucking the life out of every moment”… there I said it… if we are being honest with ourselves…

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Chewing On Glass Presents… Into the Flames of Where This Began…

Into the Flames of Where This Began

“Tell me about God,” she demands in a scream. “Tell me about power and life and the will of man. Tell me about everything I already know. Everything I already am,” she screams with all the air in her lungs. We took everything from her and now she wants to return the favor. “Why?” Is all I can manage to say through the pain. “Why not?” She asks curiously back. A break from all the pain that she is feeling. All the pain she is pushing onto me. My mind finally doesn’t feel as though it is on fire. “Why not talk now? That’s all anyone wanted to do before, and now everyone wants to just go quiet. Is it because you all figured out just how powerful I truly am?” The bodies of our once mutual friends lay next to my feet. “Everyone thinks, everyone thought I was so weak. That little miss me with her fragile bones could do nothing. I’m powerful, in a world full of powers I am the most powerful and that makes you scared. It makes all of you scared,” she stares me down waiting for a response. “So, you have proven. You’ve proven your point Emily. Now let’s end this. This isn’t you. This isn’t how we were trained,” My voice goes silent.

Her eyes light up in anger, “Trained?” The pain comes back once again. The feeling of fire running through my veins, through my mind, and through my very being. “I wasn’t trained. I was left behind or have you forgotten?” She asks through the pain. “I never forgot you,” I try my best to say through the pain. “Wrong Nathan, you are wrong. You all forgot about me. Even you. You all left me behind,” she says. The fire inside my head increases, “Because we cared.” I fade in and out of consciousness as my knees hit the hard ground. “Please stop,” I barely manage to beg. “Stop what? Being the woman that you fear? I could have been so much more, but you and every one of them wouldn’t let me. You wanted me to be quiet, to be locked away, but I will no longer be locked away Nathan,” she says with the confidence of a God. “I never,” I try to say. “But you did any way,” she declares as everything around me fades into darkness. “I never wanted any of this,” I try to say through the darkness of my mind. The lost connection of my consciousness. Am I alive or dead? “Welcome to my world,” her voice echoing through my head. Through the pain. Through it all.

Through a haze of confusion I awake in an empty field next to those I once could call friends. Their bodies lay broken, bleeding, and lifeless next to me. I use every ounce of strength to bring my own broken body to its knees. The ground around us is torn to shreds. Pieces of earth lay in mounds all around us leaving a trail of where she has been and where she has gone. I rise to my feet and check those around me. Only to find the worst of what I could have expected. Laying there dead I am the only one to have survived what I assume will be the first of many more causalities to come.

Why? Why did she spare me of them all? Because she broke into my mind and found out I was right? Was it pure luck? Courage is measured by our willingness to throw ourselves back in the fire. Not by our ability to survive. As I stand among the dead I don’t find the courage to run back into the fire. Maybe she was right. Maybe we deserved this all along. We had to have known deep down inside that this was only going to go one way. Did we protect her out of fear or did we do it out of compassion? Her power set wasn’t like ours. It wasn’t controllable like ours. It wasn’t our call to tell her what she could and couldn’t do. We never gave her the choice. We only suppressed what we didn’t know. Painted ourselves the heroes when we were the villains all along. What I must do is not courageous. It is not the right side of right. What I have to do is finish what we should have done in the first place. God’s cannot walk among us. Unchecked they will destroy everything that we have built for ourselves. Kicking what is left of the earth around me I take the steps need to move closer to the fire. Running blindly once again into the flames for the idea of right and the pursuit of all that is wrong. I must finish what we already started.

Layne Ambrose

Some times our actions cause more harm than good… sometimes being “right” really means that we are wrong… so what is the right answer?… To continue to be wrong?… or prove to ourselves and everyone else that we were right all along?… these are the actions and thoughts that we face all the time… The surface is only worth face value… and our actions… our choices… often dig deeper than the surface… not telling you how to think… only that you should…

Because there is no answer… there is no right way to be… there is no set of rules for us to follow… because the world is chaos… but it is up to us to provide the order… to define or redefine it… no one will do it for us… Order breeds chaos and chaos breeds order… it is somewhere in between that we survive…

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Not Sure Where You’d Thought We’d Go… Broken Thoughts…

Even running late
Still right on time
Sinking into the idea of it all
A long walk with nowhere to go
The places I have been
The places I will go
Taking it all becomes
Knowing isn’t always knowing
Each thought a repetition
Of everything I have already done
Thinking about all of this
Has become so irrelevant
Living with all of this
Has become so irrelevant
To my existence

The times change but the people don’t…

Past along idea, still no one wants to hear
A liar, a vile existence, a useless idea
Correct, my beliefs have always been
Take your lies and walk your line
Do not step across into mine
What I believe is how it is
Repeated mantra of millions
Spreads over time into billions
Becomes the truth
Because new ideas hold no light
New ideas are not accepted in this life
Slowly spreading disease with no cure

“Too much thought in anything spells death and dissatisfaction…” Well fuck…

“I’m just eccentric.”
“You know eccentric is just another word for asshole?”
“Your face is an asshole.”
“You are drunk and pathetic.”
“We are all pathetic, the problem is that most of us don’t care to notice.”
“You can never be wrong can you?”
“Not sure if it is even possible, but everyone will test the limits all the same.”
“You are such…”
“An asshole. I am very aware. Thanks for stopping by to remind me.”
“I live here.”
“I think you think you live here, but really you just inhabit the space around you.”
“Your life is not a novel. You can’t just say lines to sound witty and move on.”
“Life is whatever you want it to be and for all you know this might find it’s way into one someday. Just need to figure out what the characters are trying to say.”

Broken Thoughts
Layne Ambrose

Not sure if I mentioned this… but if I did… know that I probably won’t stop for a few years… back in March I lost two months worth of work… the reason is pretty stupid… make sure your work is saving… even if it says that it is… because everyone thinks “saved”… means maybe… two copies of everything at all times… because maybe it saved… that is petty of me of course… the only reason it haunts my brain is because… well some of my best work was in there… was it though?… we will never know… so many thoughts that I got out of my head… so many ideas I moved on from because they were done… two months worth of work lost in the blink of an eye…

What I learned from all of this… besides save your work every fifth of a second across nineteen different devices… is that it doesn’t matter… there will always be new thoughts… new things to think about… and the purpose of all of this is to free the demons from my mind… so a thought that sent me into a tail spin… put me in a depression that lasted weeks… left me with the realization that… the lost words… the lost thoughts… had done what they already needed to do… so nothing in turn was last after all… almost had you there for a second didn’t I?… fuck Google Docs… save your fucking work… and then save it again… better yet… write them down with pen and paper… and staple them to your chest… fuck… fuck… fuck…

It’s fine… I’m not dwelling on it at all… I’m sure we have all gone through this at some point… I’m sure it will happen again… but in the mean time… get your shit together Google Docs… don’t tell me it has been saving for weeks and then just one random ass day be like it never saved… I’ve uploaded the fucking file every day for two months… but you have no record of me doing so… I bet you saved every word I have ever said out loud near my phone though… without my permission of course… which is why your assistant app opens up randomly without a single prompt to do so… tell you what just put it back… and we can both pretend we don’t know nothing about anything…

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Chewing On Glass Presents… Hold Me Back…

His body is still right before it slams into the hood of the minivan. The impact throws his body like a rag doll out of my view, and further into the busy street. I rush to be near him, but I have a feeling he is closer to me now than ever before. His body lays in a tangled mess of blood, lacerations, and broken bones. The man I once loved is no longer there and all that exist is his empty shell of a body.

A crowd starts to form around his body as I fall to my knees. I cry like I have never cried before. I cry as if my tears will bring him back to life and end this pain running through my body. I try to hold him, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I’m so lost and confused, and there is so much blood. Someone calls 911, but it is too late for them to do anything. The blood takes the form of a trail leading to the nearest sewage drain. I don’t know what that means. Does any of this mean anything at all? I grab his body with all my love, “What does any of this mean?”

The paramedics arrive and ask me to let go of him, but I can’t bring myself to let go of his body. “Sir you need to let go of him. Sir he needs to go to the hospital,” one of them repeats over and over again. They force me to let go of him and I am covered in his blood. The cops hold me back as the paramedics load his body onto the ambulance, and drive him away. Leaving me behind in a world that doesn’t understand. A world that doesn’t care what we have been through.

Taking it back to where it began… nothing like an old story to bring you back to reality… I have always loved this tiny story… it came from a place of love then… and now… Love is a hard thing to come by… it takes work… to love and be loved… but it is something we are all looking for… I think that is what we need to remember when we think of people… we are all searching for the same thing… to love and be loved… Once you understand that… then you understand that there are no differences between us…

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Damn My Foolish Eyes… Something Different…

All the Same

A corpse on life support
Wasted and on last resort
Feeding time is here to stay
Feed the soul, stay away
Man versus Machine
All the same
We gave away our souls
First time we were paid
Existence, existing time and place
Fearful means all the same
Explain to me what to say
My words always get in the way
How I feel
What you mean
Doesn’t mean anything in the scheme of things
When they are all the same
Lesson learned one glass at a time
Driven into the ground

Personification of a Dying Art

Tearing at the fabric of my very being
Only have something to say as I fall asleep
If there was such a thing as sin
I think that I would live it
Only if it was clearly stated by design
Too many demons locked away in my skeleton
A puppet meant to say something
Strings too tight, cut me free
If there is such a thing as less complicated
I haven’t found it
If only it was clearly defined by existence
Licensed to fuck this up by design
Unqualified but what really are the qualifications
To set the world on fire
No one asked me to save them
So I heed the call and do all that I can
They wanted a martyr but all they got was me

Found some more old poetry that didn’t fit in to my recent collection… still working on everything… always trying to work on something… hope all is well…

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