Broken Thoughts… Now Is My Time… All Mine…

Insignificant sacrifice in my head
Another day living among the dead
Coming to the conclusion that
All of this was never meant to make sense
Another day living with your love
Bleaching my brain to rid myself
Of all this pain, dead memories
The sick ideas of happiness
A future without pain isn’t worth living
Wish I could forget everything I have ever said
Feelings left over in a dying heart
Slowly learning this feeling
Will never go away

Well good luck… I hope you find what it is you’ve been desperately searching for…

Time ticking away slowly
Wasting minutes thinking about nothing
Losing daylight wondering what could have been
Each sentence longer than the last
Each memory shorter than the one before
Slowly eating away at myself
Wasting hours wondering about nothing
Losing night thinking about what could have been
Knowing anything
Never changed a thing
Wasting away all the same
Knowing anything
Never changed the time
Wasting away all the same
Time ticking away slowly
So much time wasted on what could have been
Chasing ghost through the past

This is the sound of a heart breaking…

Spending time thinking about everyone else
Fuck’em and watch them drown
Society pressing down on me
Why should I care when no one cares?
Who the fuck am I to change what is
Already broken?
Fitting in never felt so ugly until the day
I did
Drowning couldn’t be the worst way to go
When living each and every day
Feels like a chore
Think I am an asshole?
Only repeating words that I have heard
Throwing this shit right where it belongs
Screaming into your face only got me so far
Pushing limits to know the limits
Have been pushed to the max
Matter of time before
All of this starts over
An endless cycle I no longer want to be a part of
Not the first person to feel like this
Pressing harder against the skin
Back the fuck up or I’ll make it all go away
Maybe it is time to learn a lesson from what we say
What we do, there has to be some solution
Buried in all this shit
There has to be something more than this
Death and distractions, pressure and pain
Stuck in the eye of it all
No where to go
Spinning out of control
Now is my time
To let it go

That last one just kept going… this group of Broken Thoughts… was actually based on the absence of thought… writer’s block in a way… had plenty of shit to say at the time… but I was too busy thinking about everything else… everyone else… thinking about all the time that I waste doing nothing at all… so much stuff that I want to do… that I just do nothing at all… that bothers me more than having nothing to say… it is one thing to have an empty mind and a whole other thing to just be lazy…

My excuse is that I’m tired… and maybe I am… but it is still an excuse… other people can do it… why can’t I?… perception is everything in this world… perception is shit… the world is an illusion… and yet I can’t help but look back on myself… reflect on all the negative things that I do… to myself… to others… to the ones I love… being human sometimes is too much to bare… perception will play with your mind… good and bad… maybe you think these things about me?… maybe I make it look easy… always busy… playing with perception…

Years invested in all these thoughts… nothing happened overnight… nothing has even happened yet… digging a hole one day I will regret… because that is the path of life… a grave is more than a hole in the ground… and a mind is more than the thoughts that surround it… broken or fixed… thoughts that I can’t help but live with…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Broken Thoughts… Before We Met… (Video)…

There’s a darkness that covers the sun
Night during the day
This feeling won’t go away
Is it morning or is it night
Does in matter?
There’s no will to even fight
Streams of consciousness
No more will to live
An idea without any sound
Bury me now
Before I drown
Take it for what you will
A rebirth with no resolution
Empty thoughts
Feelings of hopelessness
Trapped in an existence that
Doesn’t exist
Doesn’t Exist

Feel like I’m suffocating in a room full of windows…

It’s all pretty pointless
A fucking joke I tell myself
Why am I here
If I don’t want to be?
Why keep going
If none of it matters?
Do you see where I’m coming from
Lost my mind or only just begun?
A lot of questions with no answers
You think I’m wrong
But, know that I am right
Hate myself from somewhere deep inside

I actually posted this video last July… in case you missed it… here it is… pretty dark… but what did you expect from me?… wrote the music myself… though I was heavily inspired by Nine Inch Nails for this one,… really wanted a soft and then loud noise type of feel… it wasn’t everything I had in my head… but it was close enough… there is a “live” version I might post or use later of the same track… unsure… I like it… but it is a little odd… wait… everything I do is a little odd…

The words are from the video… in case you can’t watch it right now… not missing out on much… just music… still trying to figure out exactly what I want to do with my YouTube channel… hopefully by now I have figured out… Hope all is well…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Muttered Words… I'd Never Heard A Human Sound…

It Hurts to a Point

Spinning in place
Death should be the end
But what if
What if it is not
Grinding into dust
Dancing against everything
That should have been
Ash to ash
Was all there was ever meant to be
But what if
What if all of this was for nothing
Bending to a breaking point
Snapped in half, left for dead
Begged and pleaded
They pick against my skin
Taking flesh for flesh
Bone for bone
But what if
What if that was how it was meant to be?

Trying to Define a Useless Existence

Sticking needles to fit in
Each one sticking out of the skin
Fucked up and chill
What’s the idea without a plan
An episodic dream played out
The arc didn’t work out
Time to move on
A bridge built between you and me
Each letter spells out a different thought
The neon sign wasn’t for effect
A warning that glows against the night sky
Sin, love, live and fucking forget
Thoughts and opinions don’t matter
Trapped in your head
Screaming broken sentences
Could you ever, would you please
Believe in me?
Not asking anymore
Simply begging for all of this love and admiration
Not the way it was
Only the way it has always been
Special but as it turns out, not at all
Better than you, turns out not at all
Full of shit and finally we circle the same corpse
Being honest with myself
Taking in all the truth
Nothing is worth anything
So what the fuck do I do with my day?
Depression creeping in? “No”
Life checking in? “No”
Cracking open my own brain? “Yes”
Punishing myself? Pushing? What’s the difference?
Breaking down the ideas of everything
Trying to define a useless existence
Still searching for definitions

One of these was supposed to be a broken thought… finished the thought… which one doesn’t matter… The title for today’s post is from an epic band called… Brown Bird… song is called Cast No Shadow… New cycle starts Jan 2… I’ll be seeing you real soon…

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Whats That?… Broken Thoughts Vol. 1: Between You and Me… Now Available?

Paperback and Kindle Edition Are Live… At A Rock Bottom Price… Get Your Copy Today… And Start Enjoying Two New Stories… Two New Poems… and Of Course Some Broken Thoughts…

Broken Thoughts Vol. 1: Between You and Me…

Chewing On Glass Presents… Justice Unserved…

“It’s really easy when you think about it,” he says in a casual tone. The man across from him tries to get comfortable in the steel chair. “What is easy?” He asks. “The first kill, your first kill,” the prisoner across from him answers. “How could it be easy to kill someone?” He asks looking deep into his eyes. “How could it not? There’s not much to it. Me or them? The choice is easy. Self-preservation. There’s nothing difficult about killing,” he answers in the calmest of ways. The lawyer across from him writes some things down, “Some would beg to differ on your opinion. Some of the very men that surround you now. Many of them are suffering in silence and try to a grip on what they did.” The man unfolds his hands, crosses his arms and leans back as though annoyed by this train of thought. “Guarantee they never killed anyone because they had to,” he says. “You may have me there, but is there any other reason to kill someone? Other then you had too?” He asks. “Stupidity, wrong place at the wrong time, and the list could go on and on,” the prisoner smirks. “What an interesting point of view,” the lawyer across from him comments. “Some choices are not made because they are what you necessarily wanted. Some choices are made for you before you even have time to reflect on them,” the prisoner states. “Are you back peddling?” He asks to no response. “So you are saying. What is it that you are trying to say? That you didn’t kill those people because someone or something made that choice for you, or are you trying to prove to me that your actions though guilty are in fact deserved by the nature of the situation? Because neither of them are going to work. You are neither crazy nor not guilty,” the lawyer says to him.

“Thank you for your honest opinion about what is going on here, but some may beg to differ. Those boys made their own choice when they decided not to run. They made their choice when they raped and kidnapped those girls from their school, and the state made their choices even more clear after they let those boys go for lack of evidence,” the prisoner rambles on. “The families were in the beginning stages of an appeal,” the man states in a loud tone breaking his control over his emotions for only a second. “I am the mother fucking appeal, the judge, and the god damn jury. Don’t you raise your voice to me boy. You haven’t been to hell and back like I have. You haven’t witnessed the true nature of man with your own two eyes like I have. In some instances in life evidence or no evidence justice must be served,” the prisoner slams his hands on the steel table in front of him. “And if by some long shot you have seen the things I have seen then you are too chicken shit to do anything about it like I have. That isn’t my problem,” he finishes. “Violence doesn’t solve anything. We have law and order for a reason,” the lawyer says getting his emotions in check. “Yeah how is that working out for society? Murders, rapists, and God knows what else walking the streets. Look me in the eyes and tell me those boys deserved to live. After what they did,” the prisoner barks. “We don’t know what they did or didn’t do. Couldn’t prove it in a court of law so we had to let them go as a society. We can’t go locking up everyone based on rumored accusation,” the lawyer states in an official tone.

“Rumors? Those boys confessed to everything,” the prisoner says. “I’ve heard the tapes. They were under duress. All you got there is evidence against yourself,” the lawyer lays out. “Oh, so having something stuck where you don’t want is duress now? Odd during their trial they stated those girls wanted what they got. Odd how perception changes the facts,” the prisoner glares. “Very odd. Can’t speak for everyone in the world, but I’m sure most people would agree being brutalized by a ten inch lead pipe isn’t the same as nonconsensual sex,” the lawyer states. “I’m pretty sure some would not agree with that opinion. I didn’t do anything to those boys that they didn’t deserve. Just because they couldn’t take their own brutality. Just because they were weaker than their victims doesn’t mean I didn’t do the right thing,” the prisoner tries to rationalize. The lawyer looks into the prisoners eyes. He sees the madness buried deep within and the justified reasoning that blanks the surface. The lawyer stands up and packs his things. “I’m done in here,” he calls out to the guard down the hall. “Tired of the freak show already?” The guard shouts back. The prisoner crosses his arms, “This is why the system is broken. We imprison those willing to do the right thing. While letting the truly guilty, while letting the evil of this world walk free.” The guard opens the cell and walks right past the lawyer to lean on the table. “What was that freak show?” He asks the prisoner before his body falls right into the steel table with a loud thud. He makes loud gargling noises as he reaches for the pen lodged into his throat.

“You know you may have had a point,” the lawyer states. The prisoner reacts quickly. Grabbing the guard by the head he slams it harder and harder on the table until the guard stops making any noise at all. The prisoner looks up at the lawyer breathing heavy. Hands covered in blood and a look of confusion on his face. “The choices are never easy. Guilty or not guilty they all come down to circumstance. Those boys got what they deserved. You deserve the same opportunities that the state provided them. Only I hope you get away with it. I hope you make the best of what it is that you started. The state will never let you walk free. The state can’t afford for you to be out there. They look past others, but you they never will,” The lawyer states. The prisoner stands there stunned. The lawyer grabs the pen in the guard’s throat and pulls it out. More blood shoots out of the wound. He hands the prisoner the pen, “You are going to need this. To make it look official and all.” The prisoner takes the pen and makes his way out of the cell. Walking past the lawyer, the lawyer says one last thing. “You’re welcome. Not all justice should go unserved.”

Brutal… harsh… dark… twisted… the world is never how it should be… or maybe it is?… violence doesn’t solve violence… or does it?… where is the line?… does it change or blur… at children?… case by case?… does the line change based on an emotion?… how you feel?… who are you in all of this?… an outsider with an opinion?… right or wrong?… the god damn judge and jury?…

It is easy to side with the prisoner… it is easy to side with the lawyer… even without the facts… the choice seems easy… protect the innocent… but who gets to decided such actions?… are we innocent?… are we just in our actions every day?… the law is what we can prove… not what we know… is that fair?… should that be the way we decide the freedom of evil?… I don’t have the answers… because the choices are not easy… they are not clear… because there is no way of knowing anything… unless you were there… a place I hope none of us are ever at… turning a blind eye doesn’t answer anything… lost in our own conclusion…

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Broken Thoughts… See How This Goes… Day To Day Mentality…

Do you think long enough
Would be enough to stop?
Sat here thinking
Couldn’t shut it off
Can’t escape this feeling
Sitting here dying
Do you think if I had enough time
Would I get anything done?
Laid here thinking
Couldn’t shut it off
Can’t escape this feeling
Lying here dying
Do you think if I had enough money
Would I be able to buy this away?
Sat here thinking
Couldn’t shut it off
Can’t escape this feeling
That none of this matters

“You’re a smart man, but even smart men say dumb things”… Everyone around me…

Trying to latch on to something real
Tether myself to a place I don’t want to leave
A gravestone set float at sea
Burning embers laid upon lifeless corpses
Hearts still beating
Trying to come out of this alright
Fears breaking every bone
A slow death provided on bent knees
Burning desire the body no longer understands
Brain still thinking
Trying to latch on to something real
Tethered myself to you
A lifeless corpses with nothing to say
Burning embers laid upon a rotten brain
Body still hurting
Trying and failing
Latch myself into something to hold dear
Trying and failing
To live a life not thinking about you

“I will drown you in a bath tub of your own piss”… In response to being told that I was too dark… “Because shit is too thick”…

Don’t let the darkness seep into your soul
Only one way to let it go
No one wants to talk about it
Everyone knows exactly what I mean
How it feels each and every day
A sin, a curse, then what is life?
Each day the sun will rise
Then it will set
Feel as though somewhere, at some point
Mine got switched
She had a name, now barely a face
The darkness takes more than feelings
Covers each and every memory
What’s the difference?
Can’t even begin to say
At this point I wish there
Was a hole right where
My heart should be
Not in it to win anymore
Just trying to finish out the day

Some pretty long Broken Thoughts… I thought about turning them into poems… but they were written so long ago that the feelings are gone… Moments in time… that is the thing to remember when everything feels as though it will never go away… that this is all there ever was… ever will be… the darkness doesn’t last forever… it doesn’t go away… but it doesn’t last forever… all we can do is prepare for the next wave… making life what it is… is all there is… I’m off to kiss my wife… and play Minecraft with my daughter… stay positive… and make the most of every day… even if it is doing nothing at all… it is still something in the story that is your life…

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Chewing On Glass Presents: Bobby…

The man shakes as he speaks his words more transparent than his presence. His needs outweigh his wants by now, but it is all trivial in the end. We wanders from table to table on the outdoor patio. He wants someone to listen to him. “God is good,” I can hear him say from the next table over. He has a speech rambling in his head only the audience isn’t willing to listen. He is off to another table talking to himself as he goes along. Explaining his speech on deaf ears and intoxicated minds. Taking the appropriate amount of time with each thought, each word as though anything he has to say is important. A girl at the next table goes down the rabbit hole with him, but she soon comes up for air and walks away. So he moves on. He is a disciple of God he proclaims as he reaches my table. I inherit my new role in all of this with grace. Something is off about him and I don’t think it is the alcohol. Jesus he repeats. He is the disciple of Jesus not God. Though Jesus is God he explains. He seems confused as to what even he is saying as he says it, but I listen all the same. Who am I to turn away a fellow story teller? He engages with everyone at my table. More so than I have for the past few minutes. He takes a seat in the empty chair at our table. Uninvited but not pushed away. He found what he was looking for in us. An audience who can’t look away. He sets the scene, lays out the characters, and tells us his tale. A tale of heart break, a tale of pain. It is a story that is easy to judge after the fact, but you know that during it all there was, was pain. Love is fickle in that way. Intense, everlasting, all that there is, and after a time it is nothing at all. A mistake, a bad decision, a waste of time, but for some that time never ends even after the fact. Insert Bobby, insert God, and insert the reason he sits before us today. Drinking is not new to him. Drinking and science is what lead him here today, but like most people around these parts God showed him the way. A woman left, the woman left him he stresses with every little detail. He was sad so he drank. Tried to drink the pain away. He was successful for a moment in time. Only he tried to do something else that night, drive home. Illegal enough of an activity to call his actions stupid, irresponsible, dangerous, and yet we haven’t even gotten to all the details. Drinking plus heartbreak plus speed can only equal one thing to most of us. Lucky to make it out of the wreck alive if not destroyed. Lucky that no one else was hurt or anywhere near his selfish act. Bobby found something he didn’t know he was missing until then. Bobby found God or so his story goes. As he thanked him with a prayer between sips of beer. Didn’t thank science or the doctors. He didn’t thank the people around him that took care of him while he recovered from the horrible accident that left him with irreversible brain damage. No he thanked God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. He finishes his beer and gets up from the chair. Asks if we found Jesus? Before wandering off once again. In search of a new audience to hear the same speech repeating in his head.

This one is pretty dark… very different… and Bobby very much exists… I meet him for a brief moment… almost seven years ago… while going through my notes I found my notes on the evening… my friend at the table told me after he left… that this would be a good story… so I wrote some notes down… left it at that for almost a decade… one because I buried the notes… and two because I didn’t know how to approach the story…

It isn’t my style… especially back then… back then I had no style… but I knew that, that wasn’t the style I was going for… recently I had a change of heart… I found the notes and I set out to finish it… it isn’t long and it isn’t epic… but it is real… I don’t know if Bobby still walks the earth telling his tale… I hope so… but just in case… here it is…

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Broken Thoughts… Got To Have You On My Wall…

Digging a grave
Same as you
Meet you there
If there even exists
Lighting the candle
For your soul
Bet I’ll be you there
Smile on my face
A shame buried in my heart
Take everything handed out
Take everything you are
Willing to give away
Fears, regrets, embarrassments
Demon born of the night
An asshole without a face
Found my purpose
Now there is no going back
Peel the curtain to reveal
Who it is that I have become
Stuck in place and waiting
Toothless grin smeared across
My face
Demented, fucked in the head
So sure you’d like to be me?

Yes, the words are blurry… Thoughts I see clearly…

It all sounds good on paper
Until you have to look the person
You are fucking in the eyes
Best of luck being the asshole
You’ve always wanted to be
Smile it is all so much simpler
On broken knees

Filling in the negative space with hate and rage…

Processing the guilt with no one left to forgive
Hate to say this but it’s the effect I give
Driving away at the highest speeds
Looking for a wall with my name
A rare occurrence I left back home
The cans all ran out but the scars still shine
A thick crust of blood and love
How can I say this in the best possible way
Get the fuck out my head
Warning signs were always there
I’ve lost my mind and that is just fine
So long as you take it with you when you die
A parting gift with too many ribbons
Pretty bow to hang it all from

Maggots falling of the trash can… demented image to get stuck in your head… watching the birds pick them off one by one… life taken in an instant… life continuing in a flash… the word life doesn’t make much sense… even when it does…

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