Insignificant sacrifice in my head Another day living among the dead Coming to the conclusion that All of this was never meant to make sense Another day living with your love Bleaching my brain to rid myself Of all this pain, dead memories The sick ideas of happiness A future without pain isn’t worth living Wish I could forget everything I have ever said Feelings left over in a dying heart Slowly learning this feeling Will never go away
Well good luck… I hope you find what it is you’ve been desperately searching for…
Time ticking away slowly Wasting minutes thinking about nothing Losing daylight wondering what could have been Each sentence longer than the last Each memory shorter than the one before Slowly eating away at myself Wasting hours wondering about nothing Losing night thinking about what could have been Knowing anything Never changed a thing Wasting away all the same Knowing anything Never changed the time Wasting away all the same Time ticking away slowly So much time wasted on what could have been Chasing ghost through the past
This is the sound of a heart breaking…
Spending time thinking about everyone else Fuck’em and watch them drown Society pressing down on me Why should I care when no one cares? Who the fuck am I to change what is Already broken? Fitting in never felt so ugly until the day I did Drowning couldn’t be the worst way to go When living each and every day Feels like a chore Think I am an asshole? Only repeating words that I have heard Throwing this shit right where it belongs Screaming into your face only got me so far Pushing limits to know the limits Have been pushed to the max Matter of time before All of this starts over An endless cycle I no longer want to be a part of Not the first person to feel like this Pressing harder against the skin Back the fuck up or I’ll make it all go away Maybe it is time to learn a lesson from what we say What we do, there has to be some solution Buried in all this shit There has to be something more than this Death and distractions, pressure and pain Stuck in the eye of it all No where to go Spinning out of control Now is my time To let it go
That last one just kept going… this group of Broken Thoughts… was actually based on the absence of thought… writer’s block in a way… had plenty of shit to say at the time… but I was too busy thinking about everything else… everyone else… thinking about all the time that I waste doing nothing at all… so much stuff that I want to do… that I just do nothing at all… that bothers me more than having nothing to say… it is one thing to have an empty mind and a whole other thing to just be lazy…
My excuse is that I’m tired… and maybe I am… but it is still an excuse… other people can do it… why can’t I?… perception is everything in this world… perception is shit… the world is an illusion… and yet I can’t help but look back on myself… reflect on all the negative things that I do… to myself… to others… to the ones I love… being human sometimes is too much to bare… perception will play with your mind… good and bad… maybe you think these things about me?… maybe I make it look easy… always busy… playing with perception…
Years invested in all these thoughts… nothing happened overnight… nothing has even happened yet… digging a hole one day I will regret… because that is the path of life… a grave is more than a hole in the ground… and a mind is more than the thoughts that surround it… broken or fixed… thoughts that I can’t help but live with…
There’s a darkness that covers the sun Night during the day This feeling won’t go away Is it morning or is it night Does in matter? There’s no will to even fight Streams of consciousness No more will to live An idea without any sound Bury me now Before I drown Take it for what you will A rebirth with no resolution Empty thoughts Feelings of hopelessness Trapped in an existence that Doesn’t exist Doesn’t Exist
Feel like I’m suffocating in a room full of windows…
It’s all pretty pointless A fucking joke I tell myself Why am I here If I don’t want to be? Why keep going If none of it matters? Do you see where I’m coming from Lost my mind or only just begun? A lot of questions with no answers You think I’m wrong But, know that I am right Hate myself from somewhere deep inside
I actually posted this video last July… in case you missed it… here it is… pretty dark… but what did you expect from me?… wrote the music myself… though I was heavily inspired by Nine Inch Nails for this one,… really wanted a soft and then loud noise type of feel… it wasn’t everything I had in my head… but it was close enough… there is a “live” version I might post or use later of the same track… unsure… I like it… but it is a little odd… wait… everything I do is a little odd…
The words are from the video… in case you can’t watch it right now… not missing out on much… just music… still trying to figure out exactly what I want to do with my YouTube channel… hopefully by now I have figured out… Hope all is well…
Spinning in place Death should be the end But what if What if it is not Grinding into dust Dancing against everything That should have been Ash to ash Was all there was ever meant to be But what if What if all of this was for nothing Bending to a breaking point Snapped in half, left for dead Begged and pleaded They pick against my skin Taking flesh for flesh Bone for bone But what if What if that was how it was meant to be?
Trying to Define a Useless Existence
Sticking needles to fit in Each one sticking out of the skin Fucked up and chill What’s the idea without a plan An episodic dream played out The arc didn’t work out Time to move on A bridge built between you and me Each letter spells out a different thought The neon sign wasn’t for effect A warning that glows against the night sky Sin, love, live and fucking forget Thoughts and opinions don’t matter Trapped in your head Screaming broken sentences Could you ever, would you please Believe in me? Not asking anymore Simply begging for all of this love and admiration Not the way it was Only the way it has always been Special but as it turns out, not at all Better than you, turns out not at all Full of shit and finally we circle the same corpse Being honest with myself Taking in all the truth Nothing is worth anything So what the fuck do I do with my day? Depression creeping in? “No” Life checking in? “No” Cracking open my own brain? “Yes” Punishing myself? Pushing? What’s the difference? Breaking down the ideas of everything Trying to define a useless existence Still searching for definitions
One of these was supposed to be a broken thought… finished the thought… which one doesn’t matter… The title for today’s post is from an epic band called… Brown Bird… song is called Cast No Shadow… New cycle starts Jan 2… I’ll be seeing you real soon…
“It’s really easy when you think about it,” he
says in a casual tone. The man across from him tries to get comfortable in the
steel chair. “What is easy?” He asks. “The first kill, your
first kill,” the prisoner across from him answers. “How could it be
easy to kill someone?” He asks looking deep into his eyes. “How could
it not? There’s not much to it. Me or them? The choice is easy. Self-preservation.
There’s nothing difficult about killing,” he answers in the calmest of
ways. The lawyer across from him writes some things down, “Some would beg
to differ on your opinion. Some of the very men that surround you now. Many of
them are suffering in silence and try to a grip on what they did.” The man
unfolds his hands, crosses his arms and leans back as though annoyed by this
train of thought. “Guarantee they never killed anyone because they had
to,” he says. “You may have me there, but is there any other reason
to kill someone? Other then you had too?” He asks. “Stupidity, wrong
place at the wrong time, and the list could go on and on,” the prisoner
smirks. “What an interesting point of view,” the lawyer across from
him comments. “Some choices are not made because they are what you
necessarily wanted. Some choices are made for you before you even have time to
reflect on them,” the prisoner states. “Are you back peddling?”
He asks to no response. “So you are saying. What is it that you are trying
to say? That you didn’t kill those people because someone or something made
that choice for you, or are you trying to prove to me that your actions though
guilty are in fact deserved by the nature of the situation? Because neither of
them are going to work. You are neither crazy nor not guilty,” the lawyer
says to him.
“Thank you for your honest opinion about what is going
on here, but some may beg to differ. Those boys made their own choice when they
decided not to run. They made their choice when they raped and kidnapped those
girls from their school, and the state made their choices even more clear after
they let those boys go for lack of evidence,” the prisoner rambles on.
“The families were in the beginning stages of an appeal,” the man
states in a loud tone breaking his control over his emotions for only a second.
“I am the mother fucking appeal, the judge, and the god damn jury. Don’t
you raise your voice to me boy. You haven’t been to hell and back like I have.
You haven’t witnessed the true nature of man with your own two eyes like I
have. In some instances in life evidence or no evidence justice must be served,”
the prisoner slams his hands on the steel table in front of him. “And if
by some long shot you have seen the things I have seen then you are too chicken
shit to do anything about it like I have. That isn’t my problem,” he
finishes. “Violence doesn’t solve anything. We have law and order for a
reason,” the lawyer says getting his emotions in check. “Yeah how is
that working out for society? Murders, rapists, and God knows what else walking
the streets. Look me in the eyes and tell me those boys deserved to live. After
what they did,” the prisoner barks. “We don’t know what they did or
didn’t do. Couldn’t prove it in a court of law so we had to let them go as a
society. We can’t go locking up everyone based on rumored accusation,” the
lawyer states in an official tone.
“Rumors? Those boys confessed to everything,” the
prisoner says. “I’ve heard the tapes. They were under duress. All you got
there is evidence against yourself,” the lawyer lays out. “Oh, so
having something stuck where you don’t want is duress now? Odd during their trial
they stated those girls wanted what they got. Odd how perception changes the
facts,” the prisoner glares. “Very odd. Can’t speak for everyone in
the world, but I’m sure most people would agree being brutalized by a ten inch
lead pipe isn’t the same as nonconsensual sex,” the lawyer states.
“I’m pretty sure some would not agree with that opinion. I didn’t do
anything to those boys that they didn’t deserve. Just because they couldn’t
take their own brutality. Just because they were weaker than their victims
doesn’t mean I didn’t do the right thing,” the prisoner tries to
rationalize. The lawyer looks into the prisoners eyes. He sees the madness
buried deep within and the justified reasoning that blanks the surface. The
lawyer stands up and packs his things. “I’m done in here,” he calls out to the
guard down the hall. “Tired of the freak show already?” The guard shouts back.
The prisoner crosses his arms, “This is why the system is broken. We imprison
those willing to do the right thing. While letting the truly guilty, while
letting the evil of this world walk free.” The guard opens the cell and walks
right past the lawyer to lean on the table. “What was that freak show?” He asks
the prisoner before his body falls right into the steel table with a loud thud.
He makes loud gargling noises as he reaches for the pen lodged into his throat.
“You know you may have had a point,” the lawyer states. The prisoner reacts quickly. Grabbing the guard by the head he slams it harder and harder on the table until the guard stops making any noise at all. The prisoner looks up at the lawyer breathing heavy. Hands covered in blood and a look of confusion on his face. “The choices are never easy. Guilty or not guilty they all come down to circumstance. Those boys got what they deserved. You deserve the same opportunities that the state provided them. Only I hope you get away with it. I hope you make the best of what it is that you started. The state will never let you walk free. The state can’t afford for you to be out there. They look past others, but you they never will,” The lawyer states. The prisoner stands there stunned. The lawyer grabs the pen in the guard’s throat and pulls it out. More blood shoots out of the wound. He hands the prisoner the pen, “You are going to need this. To make it look official and all.” The prisoner takes the pen and makes his way out of the cell. Walking past the lawyer, the lawyer says one last thing. “You’re welcome. Not all justice should go unserved.”
Brutal… harsh… dark… twisted… the world is never how it should be… or maybe it is?… violence doesn’t solve violence… or does it?… where is the line?… does it change or blur… at children?… case by case?… does the line change based on an emotion?… how you feel?… who are you in all of this?… an outsider with an opinion?… right or wrong?… the god damn judge and jury?…
It is easy to side with the prisoner… it is easy to side with the lawyer… even without the facts… the choice seems easy… protect the innocent… but who gets to decided such actions?… are we innocent?… are we just in our actions every day?… the law is what we can prove… not what we know… is that fair?… should that be the way we decide the freedom of evil?… I don’t have the answers… because the choices are not easy… they are not clear… because there is no way of knowing anything… unless you were there… a place I hope none of us are ever at… turning a blind eye doesn’t answer anything… lost in our own conclusion…
Do you think long enough Would be enough to stop? Sat here thinking Couldn’t shut it off Can’t escape this feeling Sitting here dying Do you think if I had enough time Would I get anything done? Laid here thinking Couldn’t shut it off Can’t escape this feeling Lying here dying Do you think if I had enough money Would I be able to buy this away? Sat here thinking Couldn’t shut it off Can’t escape this feeling That none of this matters
“You’re a smart man, but even smart men say dumb things”… Everyone around me…
Trying to latch on to something real Tether myself to a place I don’t want to leave A gravestone set float at sea Burning embers laid upon lifeless corpses Hearts still beating Trying to come out of this alright Fears breaking every bone A slow death provided on bent knees Burning desire the body no longer understands Brain still thinking Trying to latch on to something real Tethered myself to you A lifeless corpses with nothing to say Burning embers laid upon a rotten brain Body still hurting Trying and failing Latch myself into something to hold dear Trying and failing To live a life not thinking about you
“I will drown you in a bath tub of your own piss”… In response to being told that I was too dark… “Because shit is too thick”…
Don’t let the darkness seep into your soul Only one way to let it go No one wants to talk about it Everyone knows exactly what I mean How it feels each and every day A sin, a curse, then what is life? Each day the sun will rise Then it will set Feel as though somewhere, at some point Mine got switched She had a name, now barely a face The darkness takes more than feelings Covers each and every memory What’s the difference? Can’t even begin to say At this point I wish there Was a hole right where My heart should be Not in it to win anymore Just trying to finish out the day
Some pretty long Broken Thoughts… I thought about turning them into poems… but they were written so long ago that the feelings are gone… Moments in time… that is the thing to remember when everything feels as though it will never go away… that this is all there ever was… ever will be… the darkness doesn’t last forever… it doesn’t go away… but it doesn’t last forever… all we can do is prepare for the next wave… making life what it is… is all there is… I’m off to kiss my wife… and play Minecraft with my daughter… stay positive… and make the most of every day… even if it is doing nothing at all… it is still something in the story that is your life…
The man shakes as he speaks his words more transparent than his presence. His needs outweigh his wants by now, but it is all trivial in the end. We wanders from table to table on the outdoor patio. He wants someone to listen to him. “God is good,” I can hear him say from the next table over. He has a speech rambling in his head only the audience isn’t willing to listen. He is off to another table talking to himself as he goes along. Explaining his speech on deaf ears and intoxicated minds. Taking the appropriate amount of time with each thought, each word as though anything he has to say is important. A girl at the next table goes down the rabbit hole with him, but she soon comes up for air and walks away. So he moves on. He is a disciple of God he proclaims as he reaches my table. I inherit my new role in all of this with grace. Something is off about him and I don’t think it is the alcohol. Jesus he repeats. He is the disciple of Jesus not God. Though Jesus is God he explains. He seems confused as to what even he is saying as he says it, but I listen all the same. Who am I to turn away a fellow story teller? He engages with everyone at my table. More so than I have for the past few minutes. He takes a seat in the empty chair at our table. Uninvited but not pushed away. He found what he was looking for in us. An audience who can’t look away. He sets the scene, lays out the characters, and tells us his tale. A tale of heart break, a tale of pain. It is a story that is easy to judge after the fact, but you know that during it all there was, was pain. Love is fickle in that way. Intense, everlasting, all that there is, and after a time it is nothing at all. A mistake, a bad decision, a waste of time, but for some that time never ends even after the fact. Insert Bobby, insert God, and insert the reason he sits before us today. Drinking is not new to him. Drinking and science is what lead him here today, but like most people around these parts God showed him the way. A woman left, the woman left him he stresses with every little detail. He was sad so he drank. Tried to drink the pain away. He was successful for a moment in time. Only he tried to do something else that night, drive home. Illegal enough of an activity to call his actions stupid, irresponsible, dangerous, and yet we haven’t even gotten to all the details. Drinking plus heartbreak plus speed can only equal one thing to most of us. Lucky to make it out of the wreck alive if not destroyed. Lucky that no one else was hurt or anywhere near his selfish act. Bobby found something he didn’t know he was missing until then. Bobby found God or so his story goes. As he thanked him with a prayer between sips of beer. Didn’t thank science or the doctors. He didn’t thank the people around him that took care of him while he recovered from the horrible accident that left him with irreversible brain damage. No he thanked God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. He finishes his beer and gets up from the chair. Asks if we found Jesus? Before wandering off once again. In search of a new audience to hear the same speech repeating in his head.
This one is pretty dark… very different… and Bobby very much exists… I meet him for a brief moment… almost seven years ago… while going through my notes I found my notes on the evening… my friend at the table told me after he left… that this would be a good story… so I wrote some notes down… left it at that for almost a decade… one because I buried the notes… and two because I didn’t know how to approach the story…
It isn’t my style… especially back then… back then I had no style… but I knew that, that wasn’t the style I was going for… recently I had a change of heart… I found the notes and I set out to finish it… it isn’t long and it isn’t epic… but it is real… I don’t know if Bobby still walks the earth telling his tale… I hope so… but just in case… here it is…
Digging a grave Same as you Meet you there If there even exists Lighting the candle For your soul Bet I’ll be you there Smile on my face A shame buried in my heart Take everything handed out Take everything you are Willing to give away Fears, regrets, embarrassments Demon born of the night An asshole without a face Found my purpose Now there is no going back Peel the curtain to reveal Who it is that I have become Stuck in place and waiting Toothless grin smeared across My face Demented, fucked in the head So sure you’d like to be me?
Yes, the words are blurry… Thoughts I see clearly…
It all sounds good on paper Until you have to look the person You are fucking in the eyes Best of luck being the asshole You’ve always wanted to be Smile it is all so much simpler On broken knees
Filling in the negative space with hate and rage…
Processing the guilt with no one left to forgive Hate to say this but it’s the effect I give Driving away at the highest speeds Looking for a wall with my name A rare occurrence I left back home The cans all ran out but the scars still shine A thick crust of blood and love How can I say this in the best possible way Get the fuck out my head Warning signs were always there I’ve lost my mind and that is just fine So long as you take it with you when you die A parting gift with too many ribbons Pretty bow to hang it all from
Maggots falling of the trash can… demented image to get stuck in your head… watching the birds pick them off one by one… life taken in an instant… life continuing in a flash… the word life doesn’t make much sense… even when it does…