What’s Left Inside of Me

Destroying me
Who am I
Who are you
Kill the life left inside
Meaning has meaning
Pull the soul to the surface
Fucking dead
Kill you
Killing me
Worth it
A lifeless passion
Same thing
Different meaning
Choke the useless
Suffocate who I am
Feel better
I hope
You get what you’ve always wanted
Nothing

So much to say
Stand silent in judgment
Nothing to say
Who am I in defense
If nothing at all
A silent dream
Left in the sun
Left to dry up and die
How could I ever mean what I say
Silent as I die
Screaming inside

Useless you are everything you will ever be
Destroying yourself to understand who you are
Nothing in everything
Locked away mystery, enigmatic puzzle
Nothing all along
A lie I tell myself because I believe

The words mean so much less
Repeated over and over
Repeat a mantra of nothing
Hypocrite
Christ
Objection to the delusion
Faggot
Fuck
Useless
Words with no meaning
Hate myself
A demon
Left behind
Let me die
Destroy everything, that I mean
Meaning less
Hope for better things
Sacrifice for something more
Killing myself to believe
Justify my choices against justification
A right to speak but not a right to say

Dying to know
Who I am
What I could be
Broken
Useless
I am who I’ve always meant to be
All the voices
Don’t mean anything they say
Do it already
Turn the fuck away
Familiar
Lost
Loneliness
Humanity
Moments in time
Thoughts to think about
A life meant for more
Because someone told me so
Standing still, lifeless, dead

Looking for reason
No more reason
Become
Everything you believe
Tired reason to keep on trying
Destroyed
Who am I if I am no one
What am I with
Who am I if I am only you
Worthless
Open to all things
Closed minded with everything to say
Pain
Suffer
More
Chest split open
Skin resting at my knees
Begging for an answer
Give me more
Enough to know
What I’ve already known
Let me become the one
The one that knows more
The chosen one on the cross of society
To be hated is to be loved
To be the villain is to be the hero
Justifying all your actions, all your work
Praying to a higher power
Prying back the truth
Inserting myself into the history
A tall tale to tell
Have faith
Have faith in me
Trust me for who I’ve always been
Nothing

Before we get into how weird or awful… what ever the fuck this was… let’s a dress the fact that the block editor sucks… Does anyone like it?… Is it really better than what we had before?… yes this post is late… but none of you know my new schedule… so that didn’t need to be said… but oddly enough I feel I should be honest with you…

I’ve been sitting on this long ass piece since June… I rewrote some of it since that night… fixed parts in the last year… I’m posting it because I just want to get it out of my head and out of my sight before I make it worse than it already is… So why post such a thing Layne??… because it seemed relevant to me today… What the hell is it even about??… it is about everything and nothing… what I hope comes across… is that it is about everything that fires in my brain… at any given time… as I write… as I speak… as I think… it is constant… well for the most part… sometimes I really think of nothing at all…

Sometimes… for a split second of my day… I don’t hear everyone telling me I’m not good enough… I don’t imagine everyone hating me… I don’t see everyone looking down on me as if I am nothing… and by everyone I mean me… depression is shit… a conscience… is everything and nothing… much like this poem… or collection of words… whatever the fuck you want to call it… it isn’t perfect… but it is constant… I’m amazed I get anything in life done… If you know what I mean… you know what I mean… if not we envy you… 

Good luck… I’m sure I’ll be late again next week… but good news… last I checked I’m the one running this shit into the ground… smiles… : ) : ) : )

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Fuck block format… and whatever the fuck else they did… God… am I really getting this old?… 

I Don’t Want to Go to Sleep… If This All I Have To Say…

Taking the Wrong Stairs Down

The hurt feels like it will never end
Chain smoking the pain from my head
Got it wrong, but then isn’t it always in the end
Chained myself to a dead weight
Now I’m sinking
Thinking what is that I really need
Air?

The hurt feels like it has been going on for a while
Staring down all the suicidal thoughts from my head
Got it wrong, but then its been that way for a while
Starving myself to a dead weight
Thinking what is it that I really need
Food?

The hurt feels like it has gone on too long
Walling off all traces from my head
Got it wrong, but then isn’t that long enough
Unchained myself to a dead weight
Now I’m confusing
Thinking what is it that I really need
You?

 

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Of course I would return to the warm weather in Texas after a month away in the cold… and get sick… powering through it though… So if this week is all scattered and makes no sense… it’s the sickness… (rolls eyes)… 

Fun highlights of my life right now…

I gave up soda… in a second step to cut out caffeine from my daily life… I feel like punching someone in the throat… so it’s going well… haha… the biggest differences I’ve noticed so far… besides my irritability to anyone who speaks to me… not a whole lot… I’m at that point in my withdraw… where quitting makes no sense… I wasn’t dead before… I was happy… I was a fun person to be around… It made me feel better… I think it is called denial… I’d ask someone… but then I might punch them in the throat… 

I started playing bass guitar again after a sixteen year absence… I’m as awful at it as you are imagining… it’s awesome… bass guitar was the first instrument I got as a kid… I wanted drums… every parents nightmare… my mom talked me into a bass guitar…  I only agreed because Mark Hoppus from Blink-182 was cool… so why not… less than a year later I was begging for drums again… which I eventually got… I played drums through out high school… I just realized there was no point to this story… haha… yeah I need more sleep… 

 

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Broken Thoughts… Just Got To Move On… Best Of Luck…

Driven under, fighting for a breath
I’m drowning and I don’t know what for
A prayer for the sinner
Living in your sin
Useless words laid down on paper
Talking to myself, preaching to the stupid
Driven under, holding myself down
I know the problem and I have no solution
A prayer for the sinner
Living with this sin
I’m killing myself and I don’t know what for
Has it really always been for you?

 

The world is shit
Deal with it

 

Getting lost in the words
Getting lost in the why
Wandering, don’t have to go far
To find reasons to die
Worlds full of them
Reasons to live, they are hard to find
Hope you like a mystery
What is it that I’m thinking about today
A puzzle, getting caught up in all of this
Getting lost in the words
Getting lost in the why
Same place I was before

 

Drinking harder than I’d like to admit
Catching up to the darkness inside
A piece of me I’d love to hide, on display

 

Standing next to a burning dumpster fire
Called it my heart once now it’s only filled with shit
Thoughts of you, me, how it should be
Fucking lies I’ve told myself to get by
And now I’ve told you everything
Everything to make you stay
The ship already set sail
Waving to me from the shore
You smile but I know what it means
Saying good bye was always the hardest part for me

 

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Well that was a depressing post… afraid the next few will be much of the same… I haven’t written much of anything… if at all in the last month… and everything before that… well it was pretty dark… dark as it gets I would say… Maybe I’ll drain my soul… maybe I’ll just hold onto all the hurt… chewing on the glass that has been my pain as of lately… taking it slow because for the first time in a long time… I don’t really know… what it is that I’m trying to say… 

 

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I’ll Tell You What To Do… And You Will Get It Done…

Killing, Dragging, Taking

Slowly dying, the grave inside your heart
You say you don’t want to hurt
But it does
Slowly dying, the voice inside my head
It says it doesn’t want to hurt
But it does
Slowly dying, to the words inside our hearts
Meant something once 
But it turns out they never did
Slowly dying and it is all that I have left
Slowly dying and it is all that we have left
Slowly dying and I don’t know 
Slowly dying and we can’t stop
Slowly dying to feel something that isn’t there

The voice inside my head
Would leave me for dead
The voice inside my head
Screaming the words
Shaking the cages of my home
The voice inside my head
Would leave me for dead
The voice inside my head
Never cared about me
Never cared about anything
The voice inside my head
Has been all I’ve known

Slowly I’m getting there
Slowly I have become more
Slowly I will be something
Slowly I’ve adopted the reasons
Slowly I’m succumbing to
The voice inside my head
Killing me all over again
Dragging me further down
Taking all that it wants

 

Dead, Alive

Compassion for a pointless point
Suicide is a four letter word
Tucked away deep in the mind
Give up, giving in
Still trying to decide the difference
Been dead, dying inside
What’s one more day without an option?

Passion for a pointless reason
Living is a five letter word
Tucked away deep in the mind
Gave up, giving in
Still trying to decide the difference
Alive, dying inside
What’s one more day with an option? 

 

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Really thought the phone thing might work… okay… I didn’t really… but I thought at least I would write something… and I didn’t… haven’t written anything new in the last month… until today… Killing, Dragging, Taking… It isn’t all that great… I would barely call it good enough… but I had to get it out… Had to say something… force myself back into the habit of writing… 

That’s the worst part of stepping away… away from anything really… is getting back into it… no matter how bad you want it… don’t mean shit… until you do it… and yes I feel like shit… feel as though I have been drained… and I fucking love it… so fuck it let’s get this shit started up all over again… : )… Lets burn this mother fucker down… keep swinging my friends… because no one’s Killing, Dragging, or Taking us… anytime soon… 

 

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That Last Awkward Clap at the End of An Applause

Hanging Me By The Knees

Too broken to process any new thoughts
Need to move out and build an ark
A sign from God came in
It said a paragraph worth of shit
Basically I fucked this up a long time ago
Riding this one out until the end
Maybe, maybe if I’m lucky
They will only hang me by the knees
Using my head as a pinata full of disease
Question then becomes
Would I even know the difference?
The answer seems so obvious because it is
What anyone would give to not feel like me
What I’d do to not be me doesn’t seem all that bad
Another sign from God came in today
Said quit your bitching and do something already
Obviously I’m paraphrasing

 

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Still bumming around… working on things here and there… spending time with family… working at my other job… boring stuff… up to my neck in a Zelda addiction I didn’t know I had… Breath of the Wild is really good… okay it is great… and yes… I am a year behind all the praise and hype… basically I’m that last awkward clap at the end of an applause… should have been the title of this post… and now it is… 

Hope all is well…

Ambrose

(Click the links for more information… See what I did there?…)

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Dictating An Existence That Doesn’t Exist… Call It Life…

Holiday In The Unknown

Waiting for your words
Waiting for anything
I’ve become bored
Staring at a wall isn’t for me
Thoughts come seeping back in

How I wish I was dead
That life is meaningless

They don’t mean much said only once
Over and over until they won’t leave my head?

How I wish I was dead
That life is meaningless

Distracted for a time
Thought the thoughts had left
I’ve always been wrong
This only proves it
Suffocating under the weight
Of a feeling I can’t escape

How I wish I was dead
That life is meaningless

Reminding me how not to forget
Over and over again

How I wish I was dead
That life is meaningless

Waiting for your words
Waiting for anything
I’ve become bored
Don’t think I’ll ever change
Thoughts never left me
Only distracted for a time

Reading all that they have to say
How I wish I was dead
This life is so meaningless

 

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Normally I do two poems in the same post… but this one was so sad and dark… I couldn’t find a companion poem that didn’t cheapen this one… This one is pretty personal… not really something I want to talk about… demons I battle in silence… demons I’m distracted from for the time being… a normal feeling?… no… has it become normal?… sadly yes…

I can’t stress enough that I am doing a lot better… perfect?… no… but that is life… I am fighting the want to express what this poem means to me… and I’m not going to because… this poem needs to be about what you want it to be… just know that there is help out there… know that people care… it may seem like the right thing to do… the easy thing… but as with everything in life it only seems that way because you are so close… try taking a step back… see the bigger perspective of this thing called life… we all have our place… have to be here though to find it… 

 

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Thank you for the support…

Broken Thoughts… Postcard From My Heart…

There is a hole in my soul
I lie and say it doesn’t hurt
Broken and I think everybody knows
A child with so many things to say
An adult with nothing left
All that matters doesn’t seem to anymore
The feelings once there have come and gone
A pretense so intense that it hurts
Walking away seems to be all that I have left
Though I know I still have things left to say

 

A Darkness Love Could Never Hide

Literally burning time
Watching it burn slowly
In my hand
Your life
Smell so innocent
Taste of dirt and ash
Holding a place in my heart
A grave with no name
The bones never seem to
Break away when you want
Them to
The souls always with me
Speaking in tongues made of sin
Give me more, feed me, feed this eternal lust
The hate was never the point
It is the feeling of your lungs running out of air
Succumbing to a need
Deep inside me grows a danger
Lack of control has led me to this
Watching your body burn with the rest of them
In the shallow grave, the altar I’ve built for you

 

Spitting blood
Did you care before you thought
I was going to die?
My mouth is dirty
Vulgar as fuck
Postcard from my heart

 

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Not a whole lot to say… which is odd to even me… even crazier is that I’m in a great mood… maybe that’s scary?… haha… believe me when I say I am fine… a little dark… but that is just me… smiling all the way to asylum… enjoy your day… I’m going outside to enjoy the sunshine… just kidding… I’m not that crazy… : )

 

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