It's Going to Be A Second… Broken Thoughts…

Took long enough to come to this conclusion
Moments in time spent finding peace in chaos
Nothing was ever going to be enough
Carrying the answers with me all along
Going back to the beginning
To figure out where I am
A slow march to death
Pick a path and see where it ends
Ignoring sign after sign
What if any is the meaning of words
If you don’t know what they should mean
Rambling in the dark, rambling to myself
Believing was always going to be
The thing that brought me back here again

Addicted to what I’ve been told and not what I know…

Suffocating under the weight of everything
The natural progress of
Hating myself from within
Digging my way out of an endless grave
Piece by piece, brick by brick
Been building the tomb I’ve always envisioned
A monument to pass onto the next generation
So they can do everything that’s already been done

“Maybe because sometimes someone wrote every sad song that they could.”

Pumping poison through the vein
A constant heart beat
That defines me
The difference between living and dead
Carry my thoughts with me
Every where I go seems to be no where at all
If there’s a constant here
Could someone please point it out
Never polite to point
Even while staring into a mirror
Blame everyone I see
Staring back at me through the shadows
That define me

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That Was No Easy Task… Broken Thought…

Broken dreams laid out in a conscious stream
You can see them but did you ever really need them?
A question to haunt the brain
A question to question everything
What is it that is so damn important?
Risking to waste away
What’s worth so much
To sacrifice your soul
The answer hangs some where in the air
Like the feeling between lightning and thunder
Doesn’t matter, know it has to happen, right?
Waiting out the apocalypse
A lifetime thinking, knowing it has to come
Been told so many times to hold on
The end of life and the beginning of another
Ignorance truly is bliss
Not knowing is worth so much more
Than knowing anything at all
She said, the Lord preached, life handed
Nothing at all
Is what it was and was what it is
A long day strung out into a lifetime
Day to day existence was all there was
Ever meant to be
Fighting the ocean will only get you wet
Drag you under the weight of it all
Ignorance has to be bliss
There is no other answer that makes any sense
Screaming into the vast canyon
Screaming until there are no more words
Throat cracked and bleeding
No answer, no sound has ever come back to me
Standing here wasting time
Trying to figure out what I’m doing
Nothing at all

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Hanging Onto Repeated Thoughts…

If It Mattered

It wouldn’t be so bad
If it wasn’t for all the guilt
It wouldn’t be so bad
If it wasn’t all that I could think about
It wouldn’t be so bad
If it wasn’t an addiction
It wouldn’t be so bad
If it wasn’t for all the thoughts of suicide
It wouldn’t be so bad
If I could only do it in the end
It wouldn’t be so bad
If I would only let it but I can’t

If I Had Known

I’ve waited too long
Thought I knew what was best
Knew nothing all along
My thoughts they repeat
Stuck on a word that
Won’t last long
All the thoughts in my head
Hurt as though made of glass
Each one poking and stabbing
Till there is nothing at all
I repeat the cycle
Forcing something that can’t be forced
I need something new
What that is I’m unsure
My future is all planned
A future of not at all

Layne Ambrose
Chewing On Glass

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King Of This God Damn City… Broken Thoughts…

Rolling thunder and a heart break
Bracing for impact and the after math
Shattered glass to the face
Blood so thick
There’s no way anyone could survive
Dug deep into the ground
A six foot ditch I’d call home
There’s no way anyone could mistake
What I’ve come here to do
Shattered sense of self
Took what was mine and left myself behind
A road with no happy ending
Stop sign at the corner of heaven and hell
Watching the storm roll in

Everybody is looking for you…

Long list of reasons to keep pushing
Through the darkness I can see the light
Everything laid out in front of me
The history of the world built on the backs
Of everyone who has ever lived
Another step on the path called future
Acting out, living my role in a long chain
Of fucking useless existence

Bleeding out consciousness… Forever stuck with these broken feelings…

Do you remember what you said to me
Do you remember
Because I don’t
The words slip through my mind
Since the day, the day I learned what it meant to die
Do you remember what it was like before
Do you remember
Because I don’t
My life slips by day after day
Since the time, the time before I learned
The difference between death and forgiveness
Do you remember what any of this meant
Do you remember
The thoughts slip on by
Since the day, the day before
The day before I learned
What it means to burn
What it means to drown
What it meant to actually suffer
Do you remember because I don’t

Broken Thoughts
Layne Ambrose

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Too Slow To Register… Broken Thoughts…

This idea that I know
A feeling of understanding
Confusion wrapped up in life
I want to say more
But I don’t know the words
All I have is nothing at all
A thought, a memory
Of something I remember living
The sadness has become more of a condition
To the sentence I’ve been served
Self pity, depression of the facts
Born like this, didn’t become this
Sell my soul to be someone else
Sell myself to be something else
Gave up before I knew what I had done
Poisoned myself with the thoughts
Forgot all the words before this began
Eating the thoughts with a fork and spoon
Dug the knife into my side
Laying around wondering
What is it that I have done

“My people have been running from the devil since before it was cool.”

This may be the only time
Sitting in the darkness wondering why
All of this shit that ever mattered was a lie
Constantly speaking to the deaf and the blind
Preaching about the things that don’t add up
Is this really what we are doing with our lives
Giving it all for more of nothing
Speaking in tongues that only we understand
An understanding built on lack of sleep
Hush and everything will be alright
So much truth in lies
So many lies buried in the truth
Giving in over time
Becoming more than they wanted
Descending into a place no one understands
Locked within my head

The scary part is that people are relying on me…

Digging a hole in the sand
Three feet wide was the plan
Digging deeper with so much effort
Going nowhere, can’t see the problem
Can’t see the problem
Can’t see any problem at all

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Screaming To A Frightening Sound… Something Different…

Enough Reason Why

The things we do to each other
The things we do to ourselves
Vile, how do we overcome our past
Failure, every sense of the word
The worlds on fire, we are to blame
For what we did to ourselves in our name

The things we do to each other
The things we do to ourselves
Disgusting, inherently evil
Incompetent… Every sense of the word
The worlds crumbling beneath our feet
Shaken, left for dead
For what we did to ourselves in our name

The things we do to each other
The things we do to ourselves
The things we do for freedom
Enslaved, in the end it’s all the same
Depraved, in every sense of the word
The worlds on its last leg
Whom to blame when we are all at fault?
Let this all go on for far too long
Knew turning a blind eye was wrong
Did it anyway, no excuses resting on them
Say you care, well now is the time to prove
Everything you believe

Beg for change, yet more destruction
Beg for a difference, yet more destruction
Shut up and do as we say, yet more destruction
So damned if we do and so damned if we don’t
Running pattern of hopelessness at every turn

Born to condemn, no
Born to kill, no
Born to
Born to make a difference through destruction?
Left without any options
Isolation, suppression
Won’t work this time
When the enemy is what we are
Human
Facing our demons head on
Is more than enough reason why
Laying down is not a reason to die

I wrote this years ago… never posted or did anything with it because it was too bleak… even for me… Things have changed a lot in the last week… sitting on the sidelines with a knee firmly planted isn’t enough anymore… should have been for people to have taken notice… for people to address that something needs to change… but sadly our world doesn’t work like that… no matter how much we try to improve… history shows… teaches us that lesson… pick a turning point in human history… violence… destruction follows… I don’t want to see it happen… But when the options run out… I understand…

I believe in words… words carry power… words should be enough… I don’t want to see anyone hurt… property destroyed… but even more I don’t want to see this blind eye to racism in America… in the world to continue… I’m tired of a great man’s words… only being a Dream… when they should be reality… We have so much more to offer each other than hate…

Please march… please express how you feel… as long as you remember that those left in the wake of destruction could be ourselves… Be safe… be heard with your words and your presence… don’t lose faith… don’t fall victim to the tactics of hate that surround us… We can change this all for the better… together… Black Lives Matter… but it shouldn’t have to matter when it comes to life and death… freedom and justice… we all deserve to live without fear… now is the time to prove… enough is enough…

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Take It All… Bone For Bone… Thought For Thought…

Been thinking a lot about life
Lately, forever, I don’t know
What all this could mean to me
Decomposing bodies
Thundering foot steps
Walking zombies
Doing what needs to be done?
Living or whatever we call it
Excuses made up to feel like lies
Truth so hard to come by
No one is willing to say
Not even me
Would you listen
Not even me
It’s interesting the things
We are willing to drag ourselves through
All seeing, dancing, and never knowing
Blinded by our own ever present
Desperation, desperately me
Who I was born to be

Do I wear a sign on my head that says I give a fuck?…

Tearing out the eyes
Removing the skin
Burn the rest that you won’t eat
A cannibal corpse
Built up on lost dreams
Cutting out the tongue
Removing the hair
Destroy the evidence you won’t need
A lifeless corpse
Laid to rest upon broken dreams
Crushing the skull
Removing the thoughts
Take what you need and leave the rest
An empty shell
Given up to shattered dreams
Take what you want
Take it all
Doesn’t matter
The soul has been sold
Long ago

You know that feeling when you wake up and you realize the meaning of life is nothing you are doing today?.. That’s how I feel…

A dead weight within my skin
What am I doing here
If nothing at all
An idea wasted on the living
Overspent on the dead
Spend too much time wondering
When to join them
Moving from side to side
Avoiding the facts of the matter
A shadow in the dark
Not pushed hard enough
Regret for all the things left undone

Was unsure when I was going to bring this up… in the middle… at the end… fate as it turned out… decided that now was the best time to begin… apologies in advance… there will be a lot of Broken Thoughts… about quitting and giving up… if you didn’t notice the theme already… because well…

I was really thinking about it… not killing myself… though I guess in a sense it would be one in the same… no… I’ve been… well I was thinking of shutting the whole operation down… the website.. the books… the constant need to be doing something… working on something… the grind of it all… so of course… I did what anyone in that situation would do… I wrote… added two more projects to the pile and moved the fuck on… if you were betting today was the day… sorry to disappoint… it is what I am best at…

If you have been here since the beginning… then you are more than familiar with my self doubt… it is a constant… and I don’t see it going away any time soon… if ever… if this is your first post of mine you have read… strap in… this ride only spins in circles… : )

So… there we go… I’m sure a whole hell of a lot hasn’t gotten done… but I’m also very sure that a whole lot has… in the next three months I’m going to try and do something different… yet very much the same… of course I waited to the last second… of course I had all the time in the world… and of course I’m not prepared for shit… so here we go… time to begin…

Layne Ambrose… 12/16/19

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Broken Thoughts Vol. 1: Between You and Me

Broken Thoughts… Tired Of Waiting…

Taking eight more hours of my life
Lifeless spider crawls across my skin
Been dead inside for so long
Forgot what it meant to live at all
Taking each moment as it comes
Losing track of each day
Is it Tuesday or Sunday?
Does it even matter anymore?
Building a nest of dead things in my heart
Thoughts and memories I want to forget
Burned in my mind, across my skin
Feel everything and nothing all the same
Strapping myself to the stake
Living a life without complaint
In death maybe I could be free
Maybe more of the same
Too much doubt in everything
Moving on, where it leads all the same
Outcomes and differences are for those
Who have nothing to lose

If you concern yourself with other people’s problems… They are no longer their problems…

Counting the minutes until the end
Running numbers inside my head
Roaming clock of gunshots in the distance
Loud noises to prove I’m still here
Endless ideas to hold me under
Went in early the day that I died
Only to know I’ve been here before
Thoughts written out in tiny sentences
Short little ideas I live out
Living was an ideas I couldn’t comprehend
Dying seemed too easy to be the plan
Stuck somewhere in between complaining
Counting the minutes until this is all over
Don’t rush me I’ve already skipped ahead
Pushing myself beyond limits
Burning the candle at both ends?
Try doused in gasoline

Smashing myself against the glass…

Desperately trying to hang on
Fingers clenched to the side of it all
If a dream doesn’t last
Is it a nightmare or the end?
Some days are better
Today is not one of them
Running in the night
Chasing darkness
Desperately trying to hang on
To this dream I created in my head
Never had another choice
They say we have a purpose, do we?
They say we make our own future, do we?
They say so much shit
Infecting and rotting my brain
I miss the days when nothing I said meant anything
Step after step, can’t turn back
All for nothing, all that I have become
What was the point of this?
If for nothing at all
Tired of waiting, tired of even caring
Drain my own blood and it wasn’t enough
Running from the demon, chasing the dark
Running from myself all along
Where did I really think I was going
With myself tagging along
There never was no dream, no army, no wall
Only me, only my own demons to conquer
Been so blind, so misguided for too long
Known the answer for too long
A dream isn’t an idea
A nightmare or a choice
Something we are born with
Something we must do, see to the end
A battle between good and evil
Right and wrong
Heaven and Hell
A battle that never mattered at all
The dream is me
The darkness is me
The demon is me
Need to shut up and enjoy the ride
Need to quit waiting
Quit complaining and enjoy the life I was given
The one I created
The one I’ve always wanted
Limits are for the ones too scared to look past them
The ones I have placed upon myself
New dawn rises, where I stand
Is where I chose to be
Suffer or survive
It is all on me

Well that got intense… for me at least… talked out a lot of thoughts out of my head… talked myself off a ledge… need to stop feeling sorry for myself… stop feeling like I’m not good enough to do this… all of this… spent too much of my life doubting myself… hurting myself… pretending I wasn’t… no one cares and maybe they shouldn’t… no where is it written that they should… reading between the lines only get you stuck between two ideas…

Been stuck there for a very long time… stuck in my head… now that I’ve stepped out… where do I go?… what is the path?… what is the goal?.. spent so much time thinking this would get better… this would all heal itself… missing all the better around me… the hope I thought I lost… has been standing next to me all along… locked away by my own selfishness… by my own insecurities… some of you have seen into the window of my heart… between the bars… but I haven’t until today… all I ever saw was the cage… the limits…

The path is clear… the goal is simple… failing is not an option… nothing is over until it is done… I’m not going anywhere… so strap in… going to come back swinging… as I have always said I would… and you should…

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Something Different… Dancing Around The Poetry Fire…

Smile All Will Be Over Soon

Standing beside the devil at the gates of hell
There’s no heaven for someone like me
Laid down before Christ
Kissed his feet
Hoping I won’t be the only one that’s died
Best one could hope for a silent death
Stripping the flesh inch for inch
Killing the idea of you was never meant to be easy
Taking breath for breath, taking a life
Welcome home tattooed across my skin
In blood, in blood we learn what freedom is
Never forget who you really are
A devil saint masquerading as a demon
One in the fucking same, no different from the next
Who I am and what you’ll be
What is it that the world made me
A puppet, a pawn, my new plaything
Smile, this is all God ever asked from you
The blood only a part of the process
Smile, gave you all that you needed
Never good enough, no one ever will be
Need more to understand
What I’ve become
Same as you only worse
Never give anything
You aren’t willing to lose

Testing Out The Thoughts In My Head

Dragging the blade against the skin
What was it that you once said
No one could ever be a beautiful as you
Testing the theory that it was all in my head
How quickly you changed
Now who is the one begging I was dead
Dragging the blade against the skin
Tearing out all the dirty thoughts
Where do I begin, trapped within
No one could ever be as clean as you
Testing the theory that it was all in my head
How quickly I changed
Now who is the one suggesting medicine
Dragging the blade against the skin
Carving out all the pieces I adore
Being so selective never felt so good
What was it you once said
No one could be as perfect as you
I beg to differ on the subject
Testing the theory that it was all in my head
How quickly your pleas turn into threats
Now who is the one begging I quit
Dragging the blade against the skin
I wish I could live in
Worship me as I have always you
Be mine so we can end these stupid games
Promise me you’ll always be as beautiful
As I make you
Obsession leads to creativity
Testing out all the thoughts in my head

Got pretty dark in here… That first one started off as a Broken Thought… then it kept going… had to change the whole theme of my post… was originally going to talk about the sun and how life is so beautiful… really just the beauty of life… the normal things I like to talk about really… but then this dark cloud came out of nowhere… sometimes life is about riding the wave of emotions… maybe next time on Cuddling with Glass…. (That still sounds pretty painful… There’s nothing soft, warm, or fuzzy about glass… other options… Gluing with Glass… Blowing with Glass… if you came up with anything post it in the comments…)

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Broken Thoughts… Screams Run Deep…

Knee deep in shit
With nowhere else to go
Swallowed whole by the monster from within
My worst enemy has never been you or them
Limitations I place upon myself
A burning body, a rotting corpse
Drown myself now, of course, of course
Head in the clouds
Feet nailed down
Pulling at the restraints
Have I always felt this way?
Lost in the idea that this is something new
A second wind, another chance
Same old shit as before
Stabbing at the wounds
Picking through the reasons
Scars are therapeutic
Until they happen to you
Processing through bad memories
A life time spent, hell bent on
Tearing myself down

I’m so tired… will the demons ever let me sleep?…

Corrupt corruption
Expect more from something
That never gave a damn
Push harder, pushed against a wall
The thoughts scream
The thoughts don’t go away
Grow stronger in the dark
A theme we can’t seem to escape
Moments in time add up
Becoming something more than myself
Collective collections
Expect more from something
Never had in the first place
Pushing harder, pushed against the wall
The thoughts don’t go away
Join in on the scream
Butterfly whispers in the dark
A theme we can’t help but enjoy
Moments in time add up to something
This world can’t be all that there is
Something buried beneath the surface
A greater love not found
A greater reason hidden from the blind
Love to believe this was right
Truth in lies
Secrets buried in the light
Peeling back the lids of our eyes
Still nothing in sight

When the world ended. It didn’t just wash away. Not like it should have at least.

Hot and humid the air so thick
Taking the air out of every breath
Never ready for this all to end
Never had a say in the hand played
Relentless, no sleep for the wicked
Breaking down the wall between
The living and the dead
The gates were never open
Slammed shut before anyone had a say
A fake idea buried in sympathy
Give us nothing but
More money, more power, more everything
Don’t believe in false lies
Prophets put in place for profits
Building a dream out of false ideas
Humanity would have to mean being human
Lost the thought so long ago
The only real American’s left
Are those willing to risk it all
Lies force feed to us all

This is going to get super preachy… and for that I am sorry…

I have no problem with Christians… or any religion for that matter… we all need faith… even those that say they don’t… they are full of shit… we all have faith… we all need faith… faith is why we are all still here… faith can take many forms… find yours and live your life… if it doesn’t hurt or kill or destroy anyone… what does it matter what you believe compared to what I believe?… it doesn’t… because like faith we need each other just as much… even those that say they don’t… me… are full of shit…

What I do have a problem with is ignorance… if you believe something… believe it then… you think the bible is truth… then read the damn thing… hear the words… understand them for what they are… it is not a god damn shield to hide behind… it is not a fucking soap box to stand on… or a place to hold your hand to prove you are telling the truth… it is not something to manipulate for your fucked up agenda… I don’t know how anyone who believes in a religion doesn’t get pissed when these ignorant, dumb fucks throw their book around to justify their horrible actions of murder… oppression… genocide… suffering… corruption… pain… hurt… the list goes on… to me it is just like fuck you…

I live in a nation of mostly Christians… I’m not a bible aficionado… I don’t believe in it… I have nothing against it… just not for me… But please can someone… anyone tell me where it says… rounding up the poor and stripping them of their families is okay?… where it says to never lend a hand to your fellow man… watch them starve and suffer… care about yourself and only yourself… make no effort to set aside your own wants to help those of us who are in need… did I skim past a major section of the bible?.. I’ve got a basic understanding of this idea called Jesus… and he seemed very against not helping people… I feel like that was kind of his main character trait… so many Christians act as though Jesus wasn’t dragging a cross to his death for our sins… but rather the first brick of a giant wall he was building…

They act and support ideas that go against the very fabric of what they say they believe… not even like deep cuts either… not even like page 946… “Shit it says that? I must have missed that part. I read it all in one night. Well that is something to think about.” No… they are on page one going… “Jesus wanted nothing more than to oppress those around him and watch them suffer. That’s why he turned water into wine and gave them those fish. He wanted the wall to stop people from eating and having a good time. It is basic economics. Everyone knows Jesus was all about that money. Was all about watching his father’s people die in the desert sun. Drown in a river? haha No, that is their baptism. Says so right here on page two Did you not get that far?”

As a none Christian listening to all this ignorance and stupidity spewing out of their mouths… if I was to follow the “logic” of these super Christians… the examples that they lay out… Jesus sounds like a real asshole… Which again from my basic understanding of Jesus… he didn’t really come across like that to me… sure maybe he could be a dick every once in a while… who here can’t be?… was he perfect?… no… who here is?… but for the most part he seemed like a good person… with good intentions… seemed like someone who inspired change rather than try to snuff it out… From what I know of him… he sets an example of someone to put your faith into… must have missed some major plot points at some point… maybe I have been the ignorant one all along… for believing humanity understood what it meant to be human…

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