Broken Up Thoughts (Vulgar)

Starting over once again
Here I am tell me what to do
I’m not sure why I am the way I am
Love the abuse I assume
Respect me for what I am not what you see
Asking the world to accept something that it can’t
Lost within the confines I set up myself
Built the wall only to rip it down for no reason at all
Waste of time
Standing for nothing yet pretending it makes me something
On the fence I suppose
Get me out of here, in my head
Too long of a vacation with nowhere to go
Locked away, deep inside
Sometimes saying something is saying nothing at all
So many words that I hate, use them over and over again
Bleeding ideas from my head
Forgive the fact I have nothing to say
Respect that I’ll try any ways

Most days I feel like killing myself. I don’t know what that says about my normal state of mind, but I’m guessing these feelings are on the wrong side of good. Pick myself up off the floor and keep going. I’m not going anywhere at a fast rate of speed and neither are these feelings. I try too hard for things that should come naturally. I try too hard for the things I think I want and half ass everything else. I have a mental disorder I think. I think I’m dumb or just stupid enough to not get it. By it I mean life. What is the point? To feel like this almost every day? I guess I’m succeeding in the end after all. Swimming in shit has been my life all along. A life line made of razor blades dangles in front of me. Should I take it or move on from these self-imposed feelings in my head?

Mix of emotions about how I feel
On one hand I care on the other
You could all burn in Hell
Damnation or something worse
Not sure, don’t care
It won’t matter once you’re all gone
Irresponsible, irregardless
Words don’t mean shit unless
You give them meaning
With love from my throne of broken bones
Forever condemned to live through your sins

How can we be more than half of the world’s population and still be in this kind of shit? Because men control much more than half of the world’s money. Money equals power, power equals control. We took the easy way out and now we have to take the long hard road to get to where we should have been all along. Is this sexist? It feels fucking sexist and I have been looking at it for over a year to try and make it not feel sexist. But I think I am trying too hard to make it not sexist that it is becoming sexist no matter what. Is it sexist to speak the truth? How does one judge something based solely on words and not actions? Am I a fucking sexist for caring if I might be one or for what I say? Women deserve better than the way we treat them, but some of it they do themselves. If you want to drive, fucking drive. If you want to wear something, fucking where it. Fuck anyone who tells you different. You be you and that is all that matters. .

Something Different

Stuck Choking On the Words

Surrounded in ash I begin to wonder
When this all had to end
Reflection of everything I hate
Your name tattooed on the inside of my skin
Hate to hate you any longer
If I could change one thing it wouldn’t be me
Self confidence in the worst of situations
Breaking open thoughts, looking for something
A memory of when this mattered
End of draft one, it is okay to turn away
A new level of dissatisfaction and regret
Blinded by a dying sun
The dark spots around your eyes permanently stuck
Don’t blame you for wanting more
Got nothing left to tell, if only my brain would shut up

 

A Crooked Smile For the Devil Inside Us All

I’m a fool for believing, I’m a fool for dreaming
A jester, a joke in my own head and yours
I tell lies to tell stories
Painted pictures of deceit
Yet what is there to believe
Our lives so dull though they still manage to cut
Like blades in our hearts, the blades in our backs
Slowly killing any real thoughts we have left
Work hard to work harder
Each day a testament of will
The hard part isn’t the work
The hard part is giving in
Dragging ourselves through sin
Blood on the tracks and I can’t resist
To keeping digging in
I wanted this more than it seems
An end to the beginning, a plot without a device
The words are deceitful but they feel so real

I wrote a children’s book called, “Who the Fuck Cares.” Looking for illustrators or anyone interested.

 

Something Different

Hurts

I can feel it
I can feel the spirit
Being sucked right out of me
Keep on going it whispers in my ear
Don’t grow up unless you have to
As if that was ever a choice
It cries, it won’t shut up
And it is now, right here
That I know at least
What is it that I really know
Don’t remember
Doesn’t matter
What’s the difference if you
Don’t remember at all
A past idea, a past reflection
Into nothing that makes sense
I’m choking and it hurts
I’m dying and it hurts
I’m living and it hurts
It all hurts

 

Same

The loneliness is isolating
When you stop to think about it
Your coldness though isn’t much different
When you’ve got nothing to say
Think about this every day
When I’m lost and on display
Each passing moment
Each everlasting gaze
Makes me realize nothings the same
Sometimes I wish it could all go away
Disappear without a trace
We could start over
But I know somehow, some way
It would only be the same

 

Something Different

Long Legitimate Regret

There is a war within myself
One that can not be won with blood and guts
This can’t be the end
But I fear that it must
Each day is a plague within itself
A lost cause of hopeful redemption
One that could only do better with mass amputation
A removal of myself
A separation of mind from body
I hope one day for it to all go away
Though I know less hopeful things
Will come true
If this is the end
Embrace it as  if holding an old friend
Too much has changed since the beginning
Your bull-headed stubbornness was cute
Now it is nothing more than sad and pathetic

 

Become

If I still cared
I might have tried
But I don’t so
So all be left alone
Not sure if this is a
Punishment or reward
Everything has its benefits
Disadvantages
I could care if I was still
If I was still me
But time has changed everything
I’ll become what I fear
Not sure if this is a
Punishment or reward
Disassociate myself
Isolation is key
To everything I have become

 

Unsure

So they say
That it is the age of death
So they say
A lot of things
Who are they
That you listen too
So they say
We are all murderers and thieves
So they say
To hear themselves speak
Who are they
Anyways
So they say
That the world will end today
So they say
Anything that you want to hear
Who are they
Inside your head

This is the age of death
A disease
We are the murders and thieves
A mark
The end is today
A sacrifice
Who am I anyways?
Overly lost and confused
Locked away
Left for dead

Something Different In Pieces

The demon it sleeps, waking only for the sound of broken bones
A ringing that snaps the consciousness, a fear steeped in blood
Fighting the demon requires an understanding
A contract of self-defecation, A knowing of constant failure
There can be no winner when all is lost
The stones tell a story of loss and misguidance
A reason to know that none of this ever mattered
The letters in blood are lost to the times
The words they spell make no sense to anyone
Gun fire in the distance, frustration released on the innocent
Taking control never meant being in charge

Syphoning​ the blood to sell for oil
I don’t know of a better way to inflict toil
Breaking down barriers to exterminate freedom
I don’t know of a better way to express reasons
Sounding sad to get what we are
The victims of our own troubles
Owning something sounds too harsh
I don’t know of a better reason to destroy
Freedoms lacking from the start

My eyes are open to the world and I do not like what I see
A cascading river of blood washing over me
How could this world have come to be
A distant memory of civilization
Books I read that made me believe we are one
Lies told from the throat of the devil

Your policies don’t make sense
When stacked up next to each other
Is it that you hate people or people unlike you
The vast majority fit into your minority
A walking pariah, self-appointed Messiah
You’re not God or even the devil
A walking mistake we all have to live with

Something Different

A Constant Ending with an Evolving Beginning

We sleep in a blanket made of darkness
A power will rise that will seem unstoppable
All things eventually fail
The idea was dead before we were ever born
Our history made of lies is catching up
The beliefs we believe have always been false
Told what to do and how to think
An iron curtain so thick no light could ever get through
Guns, God, and government the three G’s
Suffocating us into sleep
The problem isn’t the distraction but each and every one of us
A culture based on greed can’t breed good things
We profit from death yet are afraid to die
The catch 22 is in our advancement
Only problems never solutions
The great nation hasn’t won a war since world war two
Who is to blame when all these generations know nothing better
Peace is paved in bodies
Under God there can be no peace if everyone is wrong
Religion, money, and freedom has become the new evils
Redressed to seem as though this is untrue
There is no God in pain
There is no money in happiness
There is no freedom in death
Only another cause to keep fighting for
America will die and a new evil shall rise
This is how it always works, this is how it is

Into Reality

Lies, lies we tell ourselves to get by
Everyone is standing in their windows
Hoping to get noticed, but everyone is too busy
Ignoring the people in their shitty lives
A generation raised on hiding, despising
Falsified documents made to look like lives
Every ones opinion locked away in a data bank
What did you do today?
Nothing the same as always
Who wants to hear the truth, infliction
What you mean, the words get twisted
Infections, choose properly or be torn down
Shit upon, dragged around and forgotten
This is the world in which we live our lives

Something Different

I Will Find You

I can feel everything come pouring out
A long suicide letter to myself
Stretched out, I’m destroyed
Broken shell leaking out all that is left
If only I had known
If only I was told
Could I have changed my ways
Would I have not succumbed to my fate
I can feel all that there ever was
A long memory of everything
Each thought stabbing to get out
I lost it all
Lost everything I didn’t know
I could lose
My soul is so tormented
By the thought
Digging my own grave
How deep will I dig
How sad must I keep myself
When is it that this all began
At birth
At death
Somewhere in between
The thought haunts me
The thought consumes everything
A long suicide letter to myself
In the end everything left inside
If I could, would I change at all
I thought I knew what I
I thought I understood
What I wanted all along
Gave into the pressure
Drowned by the wave
Ride it all out into the
Into the undertow
Ride it all out into
My grave

Long Before

The blood it drips as it falls
The life fails as it goes on
The end is near
Though it has been all along
The difference between life and death
Is a heartbeat
The soul fades as it goes
The death grows as it goes
The end is near
Though it has been all along
The difference between life and death
Is a heartbeat
The difference between life and death
Is a heartbeat
A heartbeat that no longer seems to feel
Destroy the will and what became left
Soulless but who really knows before it is too late
The difference between life and death
Is nothing more than a heartbeat
The difference between me and you
Is nothing more than a heartbeat
The loneliness, the sadness, the happiness
Is nothing more than a heartbeat away
The heartbeats from within my chest
The life flows from out my wrist
The end is near but it was there long before

Mountain of Questions

The white picket fences have been torn down
From the post to the ground
It all lays flat all around
The existence of dreams proves
There is something more to you and me
The clothes have all but came off
From our heads to our toes
They lay flat on the floor
The fact that we aren’t disgusted yet proves
There is something more to you and me
The marriage is all but gone
Divorce tore everything
Right the fuck out the ground
The anger between us proves
There is so much more to you and me

They say fire lead to life
Then what did love bring to the picture
Some could guess but the true answer is death
We pretend it’s funny because it is
You know it’s sad
But it’s true
If you hold your breath than maybe
That dizzy, sickness feeling won’t go away
Walk it off the pain subsides after
A while if you know anything about bottles
You’ll know they don’t leave any answers
Only a mountain of questions