Broken Thoughts… Tired Of Waiting…

Taking eight more hours of my life
Lifeless spider crawls across my skin
Been dead inside for so long
Forgot what it meant to live at all
Taking each moment as it comes
Losing track of each day
Is it Tuesday or Sunday?
Does it even matter anymore?
Building a nest of dead things in my heart
Thoughts and memories I want to forget
Burned in my mind, across my skin
Feel everything and nothing all the same
Strapping myself to the stake
Living a life without complaint
In death maybe I could be free
Maybe more of the same
Too much doubt in everything
Moving on, where it leads all the same
Outcomes and differences are for those
Who have nothing to lose

If you concern yourself with other people’s problems… They are no longer their problems…

Counting the minutes until the end
Running numbers inside my head
Roaming clock of gunshots in the distance
Loud noises to prove I’m still here
Endless ideas to hold me under
Went in early the day that I died
Only to know I’ve been here before
Thoughts written out in tiny sentences
Short little ideas I live out
Living was an ideas I couldn’t comprehend
Dying seemed too easy to be the plan
Stuck somewhere in between complaining
Counting the minutes until this is all over
Don’t rush me I’ve already skipped ahead
Pushing myself beyond limits
Burning the candle at both ends?
Try doused in gasoline

Smashing myself against the glass…

Desperately trying to hang on
Fingers clenched to the side of it all
If a dream doesn’t last
Is it a nightmare or the end?
Some days are better
Today is not one of them
Running in the night
Chasing darkness
Desperately trying to hang on
To this dream I created in my head
Never had another choice
They say we have a purpose, do we?
They say we make our own future, do we?
They say so much shit
Infecting and rotting my brain
I miss the days when nothing I said meant anything
Step after step, can’t turn back
All for nothing, all that I have become
What was the point of this?
If for nothing at all
Tired of waiting, tired of even caring
Drain my own blood and it wasn’t enough
Running from the demon, chasing the dark
Running from myself all along
Where did I really think I was going
With myself tagging along
There never was no dream, no army, no wall
Only me, only my own demons to conquer
Been so blind, so misguided for too long
Known the answer for too long
A dream isn’t an idea
A nightmare or a choice
Something we are born with
Something we must do, see to the end
A battle between good and evil
Right and wrong
Heaven and Hell
A battle that never mattered at all
The dream is me
The darkness is me
The demon is me
Need to shut up and enjoy the ride
Need to quit waiting
Quit complaining and enjoy the life I was given
The one I created
The one I’ve always wanted
Limits are for the ones too scared to look past them
The ones I have placed upon myself
New dawn rises, where I stand
Is where I chose to be
Suffer or survive
It is all on me

Well that got intense… for me at least… talked out a lot of thoughts out of my head… talked myself off a ledge… need to stop feeling sorry for myself… stop feeling like I’m not good enough to do this… all of this… spent too much of my life doubting myself… hurting myself… pretending I wasn’t… no one cares and maybe they shouldn’t… no where is it written that they should… reading between the lines only get you stuck between two ideas…

Been stuck there for a very long time… stuck in my head… now that I’ve stepped out… where do I go?… what is the path?… what is the goal?.. spent so much time thinking this would get better… this would all heal itself… missing all the better around me… the hope I thought I lost… has been standing next to me all along… locked away by my own selfishness… by my own insecurities… some of you have seen into the window of my heart… between the bars… but I haven’t until today… all I ever saw was the cage… the limits…

The path is clear… the goal is simple… failing is not an option… nothing is over until it is done… I’m not going anywhere… so strap in… going to come back swinging… as I have always said I would… and you should…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Something Different… Dancing Around The Poetry Fire…

Smile All Will Be Over Soon

Standing beside the devil at the gates of hell
There’s no heaven for someone like me
Laid down before Christ
Kissed his feet
Hoping I won’t be the only one that’s died
Best one could hope for a silent death
Stripping the flesh inch for inch
Killing the idea of you was never meant to be easy
Taking breath for breath, taking a life
Welcome home tattooed across my skin
In blood, in blood we learn what freedom is
Never forget who you really are
A devil saint masquerading as a demon
One in the fucking same, no different from the next
Who I am and what you’ll be
What is it that the world made me
A puppet, a pawn, my new plaything
Smile, this is all God ever asked from you
The blood only a part of the process
Smile, gave you all that you needed
Never good enough, no one ever will be
Need more to understand
What I’ve become
Same as you only worse
Never give anything
You aren’t willing to lose

Testing Out The Thoughts In My Head

Dragging the blade against the skin
What was it that you once said
No one could ever be a beautiful as you
Testing the theory that it was all in my head
How quickly you changed
Now who is the one begging I was dead
Dragging the blade against the skin
Tearing out all the dirty thoughts
Where do I begin, trapped within
No one could ever be as clean as you
Testing the theory that it was all in my head
How quickly I changed
Now who is the one suggesting medicine
Dragging the blade against the skin
Carving out all the pieces I adore
Being so selective never felt so good
What was it you once said
No one could be as perfect as you
I beg to differ on the subject
Testing the theory that it was all in my head
How quickly your pleas turn into threats
Now who is the one begging I quit
Dragging the blade against the skin
I wish I could live in
Worship me as I have always you
Be mine so we can end these stupid games
Promise me you’ll always be as beautiful
As I make you
Obsession leads to creativity
Testing out all the thoughts in my head

Got pretty dark in here… That first one started off as a Broken Thought… then it kept going… had to change the whole theme of my post… was originally going to talk about the sun and how life is so beautiful… really just the beauty of life… the normal things I like to talk about really… but then this dark cloud came out of nowhere… sometimes life is about riding the wave of emotions… maybe next time on Cuddling with Glass…. (That still sounds pretty painful… There’s nothing soft, warm, or fuzzy about glass… other options… Gluing with Glass… Blowing with Glass… if you came up with anything post it in the comments…)

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Broken Thoughts… Screams Run Deep…

Knee deep in shit
With nowhere else to go
Swallowed whole by the monster from within
My worst enemy has never been you or them
Limitations I place upon myself
A burning body, a rotting corpse
Drown myself now, of course, of course
Head in the clouds
Feet nailed down
Pulling at the restraints
Have I always felt this way?
Lost in the idea that this is something new
A second wind, another chance
Same old shit as before
Stabbing at the wounds
Picking through the reasons
Scars are therapeutic
Until they happen to you
Processing through bad memories
A life time spent, hell bent on
Tearing myself down

I’m so tired… will the demons ever let me sleep?…

Corrupt corruption
Expect more from something
That never gave a damn
Push harder, pushed against a wall
The thoughts scream
The thoughts don’t go away
Grow stronger in the dark
A theme we can’t seem to escape
Moments in time add up
Becoming something more than myself
Collective collections
Expect more from something
Never had in the first place
Pushing harder, pushed against the wall
The thoughts don’t go away
Join in on the scream
Butterfly whispers in the dark
A theme we can’t help but enjoy
Moments in time add up to something
This world can’t be all that there is
Something buried beneath the surface
A greater love not found
A greater reason hidden from the blind
Love to believe this was right
Truth in lies
Secrets buried in the light
Peeling back the lids of our eyes
Still nothing in sight

When the world ended. It didn’t just wash away. Not like it should have at least.

Hot and humid the air so thick
Taking the air out of every breath
Never ready for this all to end
Never had a say in the hand played
Relentless, no sleep for the wicked
Breaking down the wall between
The living and the dead
The gates were never open
Slammed shut before anyone had a say
A fake idea buried in sympathy
Give us nothing but
More money, more power, more everything
Don’t believe in false lies
Prophets put in place for profits
Building a dream out of false ideas
Humanity would have to mean being human
Lost the thought so long ago
The only real American’s left
Are those willing to risk it all
Lies force feed to us all

This is going to get super preachy… and for that I am sorry…

I have no problem with Christians… or any religion for that matter… we all need faith… even those that say they don’t… they are full of shit… we all have faith… we all need faith… faith is why we are all still here… faith can take many forms… find yours and live your life… if it doesn’t hurt or kill or destroy anyone… what does it matter what you believe compared to what I believe?… it doesn’t… because like faith we need each other just as much… even those that say they don’t… me… are full of shit…

What I do have a problem with is ignorance… if you believe something… believe it then… you think the bible is truth… then read the damn thing… hear the words… understand them for what they are… it is not a god damn shield to hide behind… it is not a fucking soap box to stand on… or a place to hold your hand to prove you are telling the truth… it is not something to manipulate for your fucked up agenda… I don’t know how anyone who believes in a religion doesn’t get pissed when these ignorant, dumb fucks throw their book around to justify their horrible actions of murder… oppression… genocide… suffering… corruption… pain… hurt… the list goes on… to me it is just like fuck you…

I live in a nation of mostly Christians… I’m not a bible aficionado… I don’t believe in it… I have nothing against it… just not for me… But please can someone… anyone tell me where it says… rounding up the poor and stripping them of their families is okay?… where it says to never lend a hand to your fellow man… watch them starve and suffer… care about yourself and only yourself… make no effort to set aside your own wants to help those of us who are in need… did I skim past a major section of the bible?.. I’ve got a basic understanding of this idea called Jesus… and he seemed very against not helping people… I feel like that was kind of his main character trait… so many Christians act as though Jesus wasn’t dragging a cross to his death for our sins… but rather the first brick of a giant wall he was building…

They act and support ideas that go against the very fabric of what they say they believe… not even like deep cuts either… not even like page 946… “Shit it says that? I must have missed that part. I read it all in one night. Well that is something to think about.” No… they are on page one going… “Jesus wanted nothing more than to oppress those around him and watch them suffer. That’s why he turned water into wine and gave them those fish. He wanted the wall to stop people from eating and having a good time. It is basic economics. Everyone knows Jesus was all about that money. Was all about watching his father’s people die in the desert sun. Drown in a river? haha No, that is their baptism. Says so right here on page two Did you not get that far?”

As a none Christian listening to all this ignorance and stupidity spewing out of their mouths… if I was to follow the “logic” of these super Christians… the examples that they lay out… Jesus sounds like a real asshole… Which again from my basic understanding of Jesus… he didn’t really come across like that to me… sure maybe he could be a dick every once in a while… who here can’t be?… was he perfect?… no… who here is?… but for the most part he seemed like a good person… with good intentions… seemed like someone who inspired change rather than try to snuff it out… From what I know of him… he sets an example of someone to put your faith into… must have missed some major plot points at some point… maybe I have been the ignorant one all along… for believing humanity understood what it meant to be human…

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So Much Better On My Mind…

Always There

My guilt takes precedence
Like a hit that I can’t get rid of
Feel like shit but at this point
Who doesn’t wish they were dead
I bring the fire and I bring the pain
Wish I had more like something to say
When it is only a feeling it is much harder to convey
My thoughts are my actions
And I’m making them every day
All I really want
Is for this to go away
Tomorrow may be new but I already know
It will feel the same
My guilt grows like a tumor in my brain
I hate myself but I wish I could cut it away
Even if I could stop I already know
It will, this feeling will stay forever

Now Available On Amazon

Broken Thoughts Vol 1: Between You and Me

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Broken Thoughts… Sinking Deeper…

Bowing before the evil laid out
A master plan with no eyes
Built upon treacherous lies
The master is the power
Power by thy name
We continue to follow a path
Built upon sin
Smiling as we skip along
Oblivious to what we have done

Light headed and passing along…

Setting the world on fire
To see you burned by the flames
No one ever told me
It was the same as living
Everyday
Sinking down in the ash
Think I’d forget what it all meant
Be wrong to think you’ve
Ever known anything
The rain will come
Take away the memories
Broken thoughts and heartbreak
The rain will come
Wash you away from me
The rain will come
Resetting everything
They’ll remember me
Because I won’t let them forget
Carving my place in the ground
The sun will return
And cleanse us all

While the depression only grows…

Locked inside my head
I’ve never questioned
Why I wanted to be dead
Looking past the reflection
Blurred lines of what I observe
Scratching at the walls
The scars hurt, scars aren’t small
Locked inside my head
I’ve never questioned
Why I am the way I am
Hollow shell with nothing left

A lot of thoughts burning through my head… banging against my skull… what am I going to do with the rest of my day?… still plenty of stories to edit… post… work through… videos to make… things to do… not sure what it is I want to do at all… take a break… get something to eat… push through all of this… push past the need and succumb to the want… haven’t already… what is one more…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Broken Thoughts… Pleasure From The Pain…

A life lived is a life lost
The loneliness doesn’t start willingly
But it only grows over time
Unrequested but here we are
Making the best of the only situation
Slowly dying, no time to fight the need
Keep going for it is the only way to be
Please tell me one more time
How to fucking feel in my head
Please tell me one more time
How normal I’ve always been

That would be really embarrassing… Getting your ass kicked by someone taking a shit…

Time after time
Think this time the words will stick
Changing circumstances has never proven
To result in an overall difference
Drown me, distort me, take it all away
If being me was part of some plan
I’m good, rejection of an idea
Think this time I may have found the answer
Before the question
What the fuck am I even doing here?
Pleasuring myself from all the pain
Smiling, opening wide, taking it all with a laugh
Never thought I’d figure it out
Took less time then I had
Always in a hurry
Smashing through the words
Is there a deeper meaning? I’m sure
As sure as I know it doesn’t matter

Shh… truth is like glass… solid until it cracks…

Waiting in the dark
For anything to happen
A spark of thought
The world to fucking end
Up for anything at this point
Anything other than this
Waiting for the darkness to go away
Better luck drowning myself in a river of shit
Biblical and subversive
Makes no sense but who am I to complain
Never meant to be anything more
Than who I am

There always seems to be some discussion going on about what is too far… too much… we push limits… that is what we have been designed to do… drawing a line in the sand… comes off only as a new bench mark to what we can do… should we though?… when is too far… too far?…

Then it comes down to what we are capable of… anything we are told… stacking the bodies against the odds… it would appear true… we wanted to fly… so we did… we wanted to touch beyond the sky… so we did… we want to take another planet… and we will… an idea… like a spark… takes more than one… what we are capable of… good or bad… isn’t limited to just one… that’s a scary thought…

No one has ever been successful on their own… yet we strive to separate ourselves from everyone else… to rise ahead of the pack… to become the leader… I know that there is something here to what I am saying… can’t put a finger on it… the power isn’t in the individual but the collective?… one’s success doesn’t represent them but us all?… if this is true… why does it never feel that way?… living life at the bottom has never felt like living a life at all… cog in the machine… a thought buried inside us all… What are we really capable of… if we all come together?… the ants figured it out… nature figured it out… and we can’t figure out what to do with all this progress… maybe too far wasn’t far enough…

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Broken Thoughts… Secrets Are Never Worth Keeping…

A break from reality
Spinning out of control
Thought you owned me
Thought you had me against the wall
You were never more wrong
A break from normalcy
Breaking down from the core
Thought you knew me
Thought so many things didn’t you
You couldn’t be more wrong
A break from everything
Digging down deep
Thought you could be me
Thought everything was so easy
You have never been so wrong
So simple minded
So insignificant
If you didn’t know you already were

I’ve got a deal for your soul…

With an empty mind and a heart full of cold
Walking the earth seems less like a task
More like something I have to do
Writing down every thought of you
With an empty mind and a heart full of gold
Capsized in between two rivers
Taking another breath seems more like a task
Then it should have to
Intentions meant to ease my attention
Only seem to drown my head in more shit
With an empty mind and heart full of cold
Breaking away from myself seems less like a task
And more like something I have to do
Coughing up blood made of passion
Once cared now I fear that I don’t
Lonely symptom of existence
Going through easy days as if I have no choice

Now that we are talking about it… It kind of hurts..

Wasting time for no reason why
Thinking of all the things I could say
Wasting time looking for a reason
Thinking about how I could
If only I would
Have I told you yet about how tired I am?
Can’t stop thinking about all the wasted time
Can’t do anything I can’t do anything about
Depression, laziness, excuses
Wasting time for no reason at all
Thinking maybe today or tomorrow
Try never because all I do is
Waste time looking for a reason
To justify why I do what I do

Lately everything feels like it is going to hell… the world… shit around me… but I feel so calm… that none of it feels real… I’m so lost in my own selfishness… that as everything sinks under… burns to the ground… I don’t notice or care… feeling the heat… but what does it matter to me?… growing older?… growing smarter?… learned over time… that the more I try to fix… the worst everything becomes… can’t dodge the flames forever… but until they touch the skin?… what difference does it make?…

Life is a spinning wheel it seems… there is always something… something in the way… something clearing a path… something hurting me… something trying to kill… and it all feel so useless… does it matter if it will come any way?… I wouldn’t stand in front of a moving train and think I can stop this… so why would I fight the fucking wheel?… with the same out come… what am I fighting so hard for?… feel almost as if my human switches has been turned off… the passion… the drive… the anger… the screaming… doesn’t change a god damn thing… so why bother with any of it?…

How I feel… feels like depression… but maybe it is just realization… happenstance of enlightenment… this all comes off as me being an asshole and something so much more than I should be… duality of a situation… spent too much time trying to figure it all out… only to understand there is nothing at all to figure out… finding hope in the scars… looking for truth in a lie… burying myself so I don’t die… all pointless if you ask me…

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