Breaking down in front of the lord Gave you all my sin Gave me all that you adore Burning to stay alive Could all of this have been a sign? A lesson never learned over time Up in flames So dead inside A walking belief A walking reason to die The scars only tell a story A silent one that makes no sense Words written in lies If there is a God He has nothing left but lies
I’m so gone, left wondering why I do this to myself So obsessed with a reason to die Smile this is all I had Talk about one thing Never how I feel Let all of this slip through the cracks Shattered dreams, bloody fingers Another reason why So much of this actually makes sense
There is a darkness in my heart How I feel Kill myself what does it all mean? Destroyed, who I am, a darkness I was never meant to understand A guilt that doesn’t mean anything Ask me, I’ll do it Not a dare, how I feel Lost, longing for answers no more
Look for you in hell My hands around your throat Your head submersed in the lake of fire Found you once, know I can do it again Not so special after all
Love you more than I’ve ever loved me Saying the same old thing Clean up the wounds, wash away the pain Still me, still the same old thing It kills me to say, it tears me apart Unapologetically that I will change The devil you’ve always known The one you’ve always loved Killing me will only make me stronger
Hope all is well… doing good on this end… I’m sure no one will believe me after reading that post… but that’s okay… sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction… Smile… it is today… : )
Back for another installment of embarrassment… still stuck on the age of seventeen… and moving into to eighteen… Chewing On Glass presents… Time To Waste…
The person you are Nothing means everything you want to say Nothing (x4) You are Nothing means anything I thought I needed to say Nothing (x4) I am Nothing is what we are Nothing (x4) My everything
This was yet another “song” I had in my head… Nine Inch Nails inspired…
I am, everything I am, everything you Want me to be I am Everything you needed me to be I am What you fucking’ think of me
What Do You See
You convey Every little mother fucking thing You show me What it is you fucking think of me
You fucking do this to me You fucking show me who I used to be You fucking do this to me You fucking everything I used to be
Why won’t you let me be Every little mother fucking thing Why won’t you let me go What is it that you think of me
Chorus (Everything, Everything) x2 I am everything you (Scream) Need me to be I am what you put inside of me
Okay so they aren’t complex songs… I have always liked punk for the same reason… It is… was… all about emotion… getting that thought or feeling out… this is how I feel deal with it… With that said… I’m still really into the chorus… I like the idea that the back up singer starts a chant… and then the singer answers back… obviously Nine Inch Nails and the Misfits… never really did that… If I had to guess that would be the Blink-182 influence I snuck in there… Which by this time… when I wrote this… I was too cool for such a band… Don’t be a sell out… blah…
Movie Ideas Zombie Film Horror Movie School / Drug Film (Would steal ideas from this for A Lie later in life…) Cannery Row(Great fucking book…) Messenger Future/ War Movie (This would be folded into War of 2012… Never released… I believe…) Superhero Movie (Naturally…) Documentary (Because who makes the above movies… then is like nah… I’ll make a doc…)
In high school I was very much into music… it was my life… all I talked about… all I dreamed of… but in my head it didn’t seem obtainable… a dream… at the same time I was really doing well in Video Communications… won some “awards” for different things… they were in school awards… but people were pretty hyped… figured if I didn’t make it in music… I could do movies… overtime… that drifted away… mutated… and became writing…
In truth I’m too controlling to be a director… but not controlling enough to tell other people what to do… I like that about writing… It is all on me… the only explanation that I really need to get my point across is the story itself… I don’t have to explain what is going on in my head with another person… I don’t have to argue why this shot needs to be this way… oh I have an idea about this… etc… I write it and either you like it or… I try again…
Here I sit I write for you But you’ll never know the truth Every day I’ll wait for you But you’ll never see the truth Here I sit I lie to you But you’ll never know the truth Everyday I’ll wait on you But you’ll never tell the truth
Sun
It hurts to open my eyes The worlds on fire You have let it burn My eyes are shut It takes its course
You’re not born but when You are you’ll want to die
Its been taken away Before it was given You have been left to die
Always a blast… to revisit the past… not really… but sometimes we don’t know where we are going without knowing where we have been… life is a ride… well I’ll let the late great Bill Hicks explain… because honestly… I’ll just butcher it…
What the fuck am I even doing Digging ditches called memories It’s all pointless so why Do I feel the need to cry The reason to breath, fucking seething Unhappy and I don’t know why Pointless, but here we go Another day waking and waiting Here we go another day Believing everything will be fine Here we go one more fucking day Feeling like this
Clapping along to a death song I’ve known all along
Go ahead and smile Really I don’t care Stabbing you in the face Will only be easier Please, no, be you Distant memories while I dance on Your grave
Gearing up for the ass fuck of the century A daily grind one upped every night (Takes a bow)
Your insecurities rub up against me A broken down thought, in need of a lobotomy Toxic nervousness that surrounds us all Thought provoking image drench in tears Worldliness verbiage that makes no sense You’ve gone and turned my mind inside out
“America’s problem is that we are so afraid of outside forces that we forget we are the outside force”…
I don’t have time to fail A constant push to get myself out of here Lost dream taken over by regret
I’m still on vacation… for how long?… no idea… but I will be checking in and out through out the month… hopefully by December… I can get back into some sort of routine… What have you been up to?… How have you been?… Hope all is well…
Defying death the thing I’ve become Say a prayer for all that you know Silence falls on your prayer Beyond my control Beyond my understanding Only human, you know what I know Murder, fucking death Respond to the sins I understand Look to the past, words Existence I’ve failed to understand
Education was always the plan Lost on the insecure, lost on the damned
How fucking big is your ass? Education was always meant to sustain A plan no one understands Ignorance sown within our souls Fuck your thoughts, bull shit plans Mob rule, mob mentality I’m owed mine, I’m owed yours Selfish fuck that I’ve always claimed to be The reality only a thing Laughing at your pain Because the realization is all too late Sucking on the tail pipe Slashing away, jerking off to the thought That all of this makes no sense
Bury me with it Bury me with all that I know Lies, words, Santa Clause was real Until it wasn’t Your parents were assholes Honest, but still Fucked since the word go Hug them, love them, tried their best Wrong, only human I’m them, I never wanted to Suffocating through what I know
Could blame them but know that I am them Love them more than before What you should know We are all trying to hold on Embrace them, don’t shun them Why are we here? Don’t ask them, suffering together Sad fucking realization Thank them, not me, for fucking trying
Santa Clause is real, god, everything they thought Lost in all of this, a life I’m not willing to admit Smashing my skull against a wall Killing myself for everything they thought An epic about nothing at all
Embrace everything you thought Not special at all The vision not what we thought Same as we were anyway All I was trying to say Love them all the same
Our parents are all they could be… our parents our us… fight it… believe I am wrong… but know… your parents fuck… your parents have thoughts… your parents are us after all… eww I know… gross… shake off the thought… but know you aren’t a freak… wonder if they feel like you?… they do… no other reason… than they are human… This whole thing is a shit show… welcome to the stage… smile… let’s move the fuck on… need advice?… ask those around you… it will be awkward… believe me when I say that’s what it means to be an adult… believe me when I say they feel the same…
Shhh… you wanted the secret… well the secret was fucking lame… : )… not trying to be a dick… just saying… not trying to make you throw up… but let’s be honest… your parents have always felt the same… mind-blowing… fucking crazy… hug them all the same… because they did this… dealt with this all… long before you could ever think… fucking heroes… martyrs to the cause of it all… good or bad… they tried their fucking best… what else could you ever ask of them after all?… that’s love… Think about it… come back to me… when you understand… been there for years… just sinking in… Not original… only a copy… excuse me as I throw up at the thought… only human after all… haha… never been better than you… Never been better than the heroes I’ve loved… only human… hard at the thought… embrace my part… embrace who I am after all… why the fuck do you listen to me at all?…
Thoughts… comments…. leave them because all of this is fucking insane… just want to get better… don’t care about words like fame… money… I just want to sustain… so if that means negativity… if that means pain… only want to get better… only want a reason to live… don’t care how lame… this is all I got out side of family… going to try whether or not you feel the same… all I ever wanted was to find people who feel the same… people to make me better… been a selfish ass… before I knew your name… hate me… I love you all the same… I love you for fucking being you… thank you… let the lead out… hurt no one but Know I Can Take It… maybe My Only Purpose… : )
Constant like a fucking child Driven under Driven to live A mindless existence Shut the fuck up Then maybe, you’d be right Tape my mouth shut Torture me, make me feel something Nothing different then the way It is supposed to be Cut my limbs, nail them to a tree Same as it is supposed to be I wish you’d do onto me As I wished for you
Looking to destroy more than myself Line up, take you out one by one I know it is what you always wanted I know you have always wanted to win Judge ourselves not by what we’ve done But what we wish to have been
Kill myself slowly Life or what I’ve been told I hold each word against me A lie I’ve been told Loved you more than I’ve loved myself Locked in a world, that I can not win I’d fuck you sooner than you can fuck me A worthless fuck I see myself in The reflection that I see Desiring action, desire to see myself Always been the asshole A sin I hide myself in Taking what I want Believing what I want to believe A whore I see myself in Cult of personality, I could never win Unless you let me Being drunk is a sin An escape I find myself in Fuck you, if you ever thought you could win A running thought inside my head My thoughts run off Digging a ditch I call my grave A home I hold within I’m so done, a struggle within, you win
Remorse is for the dead… all that needs to be said… still alive?… then you already know what needs to be done.. what there is left to say… keep going on with me… we will figure all of this out at a later time…
Thought about the thoughts That make us human after all Thought about the thoughts That don’t matter at all Thought maybe then I thought About it all All these thoughts I thought As I waited for the fall
We tell ourselves it matters We push for results But in the end as we wait for it all Nothing made sense Nothing was all it was What we think holds value Holds nothing at all
So I thought about the thoughts That makes us human after all I thought about the thoughts That don’t matter after all Draw my conclusions What I found was Fuck it all
Letting Me Go Is Easier Than You Think
How much am I willing to take What is sober if not a feeling What is gone if not how I’ve felt all along I say one thing, believe another in my head Sure I’m a liar, believe me when I say I’m dead Never cared and now they say I should Exploring the darkness that hides inside us all Some people want to run But I can’t help to call it home Could say it doesn’t matter, been wrong all along How long am I willing to wait A fear carried over time Dead weight inside my chest I’ve been forced to call my heart Who knows anything if no one knows a thing You tell me to not do it But what do you know about me How it feels, what it thinks Studying the madness has only driven me more insane Life is a cycle This is only the pain
The next generation is so fucked… everything is right now… I need it now… is dinner ready?… no… it takes fucking time… spoiled and they don’t even know why… time is moving so fast… have you figured out yet what you want to be?… left behind… we do this to ourselves and ask why… human reasoning… kiss it all good bye… we need time to step back… say okay… this is the direction we need to go… not enough time… maybe we have always been this way… maybe it is something new… but in the end… what the fuck is going on?…
Staring into the mirror Wondering why not The blade pressed up against me Not sure why lately I’m not Anti-lobotomy Driven crazy, fucked at the thought Common sense doesn’t mean shit Drowning in my own life Suffocating at the thought That all of this must keep going on
Who put me in charge of anything God doesn’t have a sense of humor Fuck off Gave me my own thing to destroy Said look I fucked up but here is your chance To do the same thing A running joke, that makes no sense Drinking to try and forget What I was even trying to do Slash the wrists long enough Something is bound to happen Parenting not that far off Smashing my head against a wall Just makes sense At this point
Purpose in life to die Sad fucking state of existence Fighting it every day Winning Where is the balance When is just keeps fucking coming Where is the savior we’ve been waiting on
Lost and it is just a thought A rotting of the fucking brain All there is All there ever was Was you and me Let me be the first to say I’m sorry
Dodging all the god damn knives Finding my place in all this shit Tortured what was your first fucking clue Do this to myself Smiling at the thought What was the point all along Breathing to breathe Living because I was told to Always loved you But what was the fucking point God or the devil does it matter? When nothing has ever mattered Me and you become one Fucked yet we keep going on
It’s all so pointless…
No after thought… only this…
Torture me, torture myself Fuck you Gave in when I knew It was all a lie Made you up inside my head As real as I want it to be Choking on a thought Chewing on glass Who needs a reason When there is a why
Drowning myself in shit Smiling all the way down : )
Apparently inktober is happening… makes sense.. being that it is October… anyway… check out the awesome work… my friend Little Fears is doing… Hope you enjoy… I know I have been… Haunting my dreams… turning them to nightmares…
