Took long enough to come to this conclusion Moments in time spent finding peace in chaos Nothing was ever going to be enough Carrying the answers with me all along Going back to the beginning To figure out where I am A slow march to death Pick a path and see where it ends Ignoring sign after sign What if any is the meaning of words If you don’t know what they should mean Rambling in the dark, rambling to myself Believing was always going to be The thing that brought me back here again
Addicted to what I’ve been told and not what I know…
Suffocating under the weight of everything The natural progress of Hating myself from within Digging my way out of an endless grave Piece by piece, brick by brick Been building the tomb I’ve always envisioned A monument to pass onto the next generation So they can do everything that’s already been done
“Maybe because sometimes someone wrote every sad song that they could.”
Pumping poison through the vein A constant heart beat That defines me The difference between living and dead Carry my thoughts with me Every where I go seems to be no where at all If there’s a constant here Could someone please point it out Never polite to point Even while staring into a mirror Blame everyone I see Staring back at me through the shadows That define me
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Two Stories… Two Poems… and A Whole Lot of Thoughts….
Broken dreams laid out in a conscious stream You can see them but did you ever really need them? A question to haunt the brain A question to question everything What is it that is so damn important? Risking to waste away What’s worth so much To sacrifice your soul The answer hangs some where in the air Like the feeling between lightning and thunder Doesn’t matter, know it has to happen, right? Waiting out the apocalypse A lifetime thinking, knowing it has to come Been told so many times to hold on The end of life and the beginning of another Ignorance truly is bliss Not knowing is worth so much more Than knowing anything at all She said, the Lord preached, life handed Nothing at all Is what it was and was what it is A long day strung out into a lifetime Day to day existence was all there was Ever meant to be Fighting the ocean will only get you wet Drag you under the weight of it all Ignorance has to be bliss There is no other answer that makes any sense Screaming into the vast canyon Screaming until there are no more words Throat cracked and bleeding No answer, no sound has ever come back to me Standing here wasting time Trying to figure out what I’m doing Nothing at all
It wouldn’t be so bad If it wasn’t for all the guilt It wouldn’t be so bad If it wasn’t all that I could think about It wouldn’t be so bad If it wasn’t an addiction It wouldn’t be so bad If it wasn’t for all the thoughts of suicide It wouldn’t be so bad If I could only do it in the end It wouldn’t be so bad If I would only let it but I can’t
If I Had Known
I’ve waited too long Thought I knew what was best Knew nothing all along My thoughts they repeat Stuck on a word that Won’t last long All the thoughts in my head Hurt as though made of glass Each one poking and stabbing Till there is nothing at all I repeat the cycle Forcing something that can’t be forced I need something new What that is I’m unsure My future is all planned A future of not at all
This idea that I know A feeling of understanding Confusion wrapped up in life I want to say more But I don’t know the words All I have is nothing at all A thought, a memory Of something I remember living The sadness has become more of a condition To the sentence I’ve been served Self pity, depression of the facts Born like this, didn’t become this Sell my soul to be someone else Sell myself to be something else Gave up before I knew what I had done Poisoned myself with the thoughts Forgot all the words before this began Eating the thoughts with a fork and spoon Dug the knife into my side Laying around wondering What is it that I have done
“My people have been running from the devil since before it was cool.”
This may be the only time Sitting in the darkness wondering why All of this shit that ever mattered was a lie Constantly speaking to the deaf and the blind Preaching about the things that don’t add up Is this really what we are doing with our lives Giving it all for more of nothing Speaking in tongues that only we understand An understanding built on lack of sleep Hush and everything will be alright So much truth in lies So many lies buried in the truth Giving in over time Becoming more than they wanted Descending into a place no one understands Locked within my head
The scary part is that people are relying on me…
Digging a hole in the sand Three feet wide was the plan Digging deeper with so much effort Going nowhere, can’t see the problem Can’t see the problem Can’t see any problem at all
Getting me down was never the difficult part Brining me back from the edge Going to take more than a few words Let me die, only to do it again A cycle on repeat Broken switch called me Thoughts and feelings in a blender Puree An emotional wreck Starting to understand Walking three feet in these shoes Try not to kill yourself with the effort But at least I have my health Mentally been fucking gone Talking to myself, I can ramble on
Getting me down was never the difficult part
Written down instructions, tattooed inside my head
Easy to follow with only a few words
Let me sleep, only to do it again
Another drink from this endless bottle
Broken need called me
An emotion bonfire
Starting to understand
Walk three feet in this crooked spine
Try not to do too much
The effort will surely kill you
But at least then you’d know
What the hell I’m talking about
Because no one seems to
Getting me down was never the difficult part Been lying here the whole time Face down in the concrete So glad you found me Another victim to attach myself to Broken feeling called me Running out of reasons I should quit Pureed, tapped, given away Starting to understand Everything I forgot Three feet in this soul Try not to run away But at least I’m still breathing
Been Waiting Here For
You’re no good for me I need someone with some light These shadows have been nice, for a time Hide all the knives You know the ones you stuck In my heart Kiss my lips and call it love Pulling each one out with the hope It will end Kiss my lips and tell me what it is No good for me Not good enough Not even the same A home was nice for a while Hides all the lies You know the ones you stuck In my heart Kiss my lips and tell me I’m fine Reliving each broken memory in hopes It will end Kiss my lips and call it what it is Come on you knew Longer than anyone Strung me along Too scared to pull the trigger You know the one you stuck In my heart Let’s not pretend to forget What it is
Pretty personal… pretty sad… dark… falling apart… better… healed… a distant memory… will always sting… but little by little it will go away… That’s all I have to really say about these two…
Slowly killing myself Living life, not fast enough Dying life, not slow enough Speed it up Let it go Breathe a little Keep fucking running Not enough Add it up Subtract the dream Slowly killing myself Living life, not slow enough Dying life, not fast enough Drag it in Hold on tight Exhale a little Keep fucking pulling Not enough effort Add it up Subtract the want Nothing equals what you give Living on fumes Being dragged by the chain Waiting around bored Makes no sense Yet here we are
I can’t separate the need from the pain…
How many times are you going to break my heart? How many times will I let you? Ripping the heart from my chest What a useless vessel for love How much can one take? Enough to kill for At what point am I? What a useless question for love Not even close enough How many times are you going to take everything? How many times must I watch it all walk away? Stripping the soul from my body What a useless vessel for life How much can one take? Enough to die for At what point am I? What a useless question for something So meaningless as this
Sometimes it is easier to say the words out loud than to believe them…
Are you even trying? Do you try to breathe? No, why would I? You? Only when I’m drowning
Trying to make it through today…
Two weeks from thirty two Growing old The mirror’s reflection doesn’t look the same The mind feels as it always does Growing old Thinking about all the things Thinking how none of this means a thing Growing old Killing myself is getting old
“Things went from bad to worse,” he says as they
walk down the long corridor. “What do you mean?” One of his
colleagues asks. “Most importantly they are being taken to the facility
right now to insure there will be a future them,” he says ignoring the
question all together. “Doesn’t matter there won’t be,” another
colleague responds. They move quickly through the corridor making sure no one
sees them. “Sure maybe not now but twenty or thirty years from now when
they have figured it out. It will be the end of the world,” the leader
lays out. They arrive at an unmarked door. Looking around he inserts his key
card, “Quickly we don’t have much time. The cameras have already alerted
them I’m sure.” The three of them enter the room. “We need to erase
whatever we can,” the leader says. “What are we even really doing
here?” One of them asks. They walk through the stacks of tanks. Each one
containing what looks to be a fetus. “Trust me they won’t have cloning
figured out by then. Cloning doesn’t work now and by the time it does it be two
hundred or more years before it does. And even by then none of them will be
relevant beyond history books,” a colleague states. “Exactly, we need
to stop them now. These are all nothing more than failures. But the potential
each container contains. This is where it all starts. This is where we have to
make our stand,” the leader says. “Your fear of that future is
irrelevant. Some other monster will take their place,” one of them states.
They begin pulling electrical board after board as the tanks switch to back up
power. “We will impact the next fifty years by our actions today. We
fucked up already letting them go into hiding. Who knows exactly how much
information they were able to collect behind our backs,” the leader says.
“Doesn’t matter they won’t have us when all this is over. The others will
find them and do their part. Same as before. This won’t be over but you’re
right we can slow it down.”
The lights begin to flash as the backup systems trigger the disturbance. “We are in the final moments of our chance to do your part. Destroy whatever you can,” the leader orders. They split up and rush through the room pulling board after board. Sloppy they pull what they can as they hear the door open and the boots of their oppressors marching through. “Use extreme force,” they hear someone order before they hear the sound of bullets breaking glass. The sounds of screaming and death soon to follow. The floor is wet in more than just blood as the last one of the resistance takes their final breath. A solider walks over to their dying body. “If you do the devil’s work then you are,” a bullet to the head silences the room. “Sweep the room, recover the bodies, and report back,” the solider orders. The others do as they are told. Dragging the bodies of the dead to the center of the room. The sound of the door opening again fills the room. The sound of footsteps on glass follows. “Report,” a man in a white coat demands. “All deserters accounted for and terminated. Zero causalities on our side. They were unarmed. Damage unknown. Believed to be minimal,” the solider reports. “Good job. Could have been executed sooner, but good job none the less,” the man in the coat says. “Thank you sir,” the solider responds. “Now if we can figure out how they were able to bypass their programming?” The man in the white coat questions out loud.
Odd title… wonder if it is connected?… I’m sure it is… quick and easy story… a thought to link two ideas… is what it is… forever and a day to get it done… see you all again real soon…
Things aren’t quite the way they used to be. Things change fact
of life and death. Even if we can change those facts like I have. Things still
very much change. I no longer know who I am or what I have become. I’m not what
most people would consider normal. Well to be honest most would consider me to
be eccentric. They always have from every moment that I can remember. Strange
not normal. Broken and not equal. Different in every sense of the word. They
were right of course, but I guess chasing endless winter is not most people’s
idea of a good time. Not most people’s idea of where I should be or what I
should be doing. But I like the isolation, the cold, the loneliness of it all.
It helps me think and that is all they really want from me in the end. They
want me to think for them. To create for them. Being out here in the nothing
makes me feel more alive than a room full of people sucking up to my money.
Yes, I am rich. Richer than most nations to be exact. To be fair though that
isn’t saying much considering most nations didn’t go with technology. The
choice was too easy to follow me, to invest in my ideas. Man is flawed in that
way. Self-doubt, too easy can’t be the right way. Must resist and so they did.
Investing in war and death. I shouldn’t have to tell you how that turned out.
But history, stories they are summaries of things we already know.
Turns out bombs don’t feed people or build homes or take
care of you when you get old. No, bombs only have one purpose and they do that
function very well. But robots? My robots? They can do so much more than kill.
Most nations fallen to the way side, disappeared off the map of everything including
people’s minds. The advancements were swift, they were quick. I discovered a
loop hole that we had missed. Any easy option no one believed to exist. Greatly
enhanced soldiers that feel no pain, targeting systems that can target any and
everything you may desire, and a defense systems so advanced that it would make
nuclear war less of a fear and more of an annoyance. Whole nations wiping
themselves out before the missiles even left the ground. Only took a few of
these “brave and fearless leader” to wipe themselves out before all nuclear missiles
were deemed obsolete. In fact less bombs destroyed whole nations then had ever
been tested in the history of any nuclear program. I didn’t just make the world
better. I saved humanity and everything with it. These were only the beginnings
of my ideas. Yes, my pockets were lined with dirty dollars of anyone who was
willing to pay for protection. This is capitalism at its finest. This is
everything that we once believed in. Things they change even if we don’t think
that they can.
What is left of Christianity would blame faith in false idols and other dated terms for what was coming. Yes, I am that old. Faith can come to us at any moment, but it can not change in an instant. It is enduring like that unlike nations. The faithful fought the next wave of advancements. Pushed my patience beyond their limits. I grew bored with enhancing nations to the highest bidder. It was time to take my ideas to the people. Take it beyond the surface of what I knew and go deeper. Humans are a flawed design. Boasting about how we are the greatest at everything. Spreading lies beyond the fabric of what we know to be true, but I knew with my help. I could make all our lies, all our fables, all our faith in ourselves. I knew that I could make them true. My advancements in nano tech and hybrid parts brought the revolution to the people. Put everything in their hands to do with as they wished. So long as they paid. So long as they understood what it was they were getting into. They didn’t, but it didn’t matter. Humans adapt to ideas they don’t understand. It is a slow process, but they accept the way things are eventually or they die off. Evolution sits as a theory, but the problem is we understand it better than we think. We accept it as truth even as we question its very existence. Deep down we already knew. We have always known what is that we are, where we come from, and how it will all go. There may be no all-seeing god, but something moves us to follow blindly. I will give them that. No one, not even myself can be as arrogant to not believe in a purpose.
The fall was coming. Everything I had created was going to
turn. Human history is riddle with stories similar to mine. Roman Empire, the Chinese
Dynasties, early man, and the list could follow us all the way to today. Life
doesn’t stop under the wheel of change. It grows stronger. Picking up speed
until we no longer understand what it is that we have created. A bump in the
road, a great fall, but this one was different. This one was not like the rest.
Unlike the falls of the past, the missteps that lead to something else. This
one changed the game. Changed the world and the human race. We moved past
everything we thought we knew. We became something greater than ourselves. The
ones that were left that is. The advancements I made in human tech changed the
game. We became one with the robots. Equal to my creations. Working side by
side until we cleaned up everything. We needed something more though. We always
need something more. We looked to the skies once again. Except this time we
knew that we were ready to face any and all challenges. No longer a dream, but
the next step in our evolution. My evolution, my purpose in this world. For the
first time in human history people are too busy thinking. Thinking of ways to
make everything better rather than how to destroy. For the first time in human
history everyone is thinking like me.
That is why I live here alone like this. That is why among other things I do what I do. I feel this need to distance myself from them. I feel this over encumbering need to be as far away from them as I can. The wind howls outside of my cabin. A few more days left of darkness and the chase will begin again. The world advancing by the minute and my wealth grows. The owner of this world, my empire, lives in near darkness studying the sky for the lost planet no one’s even hear of yet. Trying to make sense of my purpose in this world.
This fucking story… This story didn’t start out like this at all… the original draft was trash… an idea that I didn’t know was there until I looked a lot deeper… So I worked on it… worked with it… typed up the whole thing on my phone… had it all amazing… had it to a point that I thought was good… then technology and my stupidity fucked me… While trying to transfer the file from my phone to my computer… using all the great advancements that Google bestowed onto us… I lost the whole thing…
Back to step one… and I was fucking pissed… I’m still pissed and it has been over a week… still pissed and I have rewritten the whole thing for a second time… but it is over and done?… I just read it… why are you so pissed?… Who cares?… you are right but it doesn’t matter… I’m pissed because the story was vastly different… and how it was different I don’t know… but I know… I write by the seat of my pants… I write until it is done… I purge the thoughts and move on… so if it isn’t written down… saved somewhere… I have no idea what it was that I even said…
So… all that work… all that effort… gone in a flash… and like this character all I think about is progression… not going back… But I had to go back… I had to finish this story… redo this story… because I needed this story for two other stories in this cycle… woke up today… and got it done… It isn’t that bad actually… still pretty pissed that I had to do it again… but for all I know… it might have all been for the best… destruction and loss… may have all been for the best… or maybe it wasn’t… “Faith can come to us at any moment, but it can not change in an instant”…
A place I once knew A thought I thought Understood by only me This is for everything you’ve done Everything you’ve become A nightmare I once knew A thought I thought Understood by no one This is for everything you’ve written Everything you’ve become A heart I once knew A thought that over takes me Understood you’d understand This is everything you’ve meant to me Everything I thought you were Take the breath right out of me Took the words out of my soul Taken everything I used to be
Does any of it matter?
A break between the waves Air, water, food the rest is pointless Conditioned to believe I’m doing the right thing Sacrifice, suffer, endure only a symptom A schism from underground Realizing now the end was never the point The present was always the tomb
If none of it ever did?
The devil’s making her way inside Her cape draped, drips with crimson The genius that it is A flashing image of imagination A reality stuck in my head Why is it we question anything that is said? Why is it we want to be lead so blindly? God told me once, said some shit about shutting the fuck up The secrets we’re never meant to be spoken Only thought about in the darkness of the mind The dark ages such a lovely time Truth spread like a plague, killing all of those who said The age of information, the day of reckoning around the corner A sin with nothing to say Are you, is anyone ever prepared for the truth? Are you, is anyone willing to? Dancing blindly in the dark The world was never yours What give you the belief heaven is any different? Her trail of crimson grows with every step
Dying inside is a solitary burden.
No one tries to take anything from you They just did Selfish and selfless Explain the meaning and tell me the difference To get something from nothing And make it last Has to be the hardest of all A diamond in a sea of shit Shinning but muted Explain the meaning and tell me the difference
Really need to change this image… need to do a lot of things… won’t go into a long rant right now… not really up to it… just trying to get through the day… feeling lazy… well I’m feeling like I want to take on a million things… and nothing at all at the same time… does that makes sense?.. yeah… I don’t get it either…
Get over it as they say Killing off, cutting off the dead limbs The misery, the pain Burning down the village of the damned Taking everything I deserve Worked harder than I care to admit For nothing at all Big ass smile, fucking let down Watching the flames burn higher and higher The stench more than anyone can handle Move the fuck away from me Haven’t you ever seen someone Trying to kill themselves for your pleasure?
Face down… ass up… looking for the sun…
I know because I’ve heard before Thought I could hide my intentions For eons I’ve done nothing right A promise I couldn’t keep Lies stitch together my very soul God was right they’re all destined to fail How could I, a fallen angel, have not known Jealousy courses through their veins Hate and anger a diet they must consume No one ever pauses to question Who creates something so awful and calls them their children? A beaten corpse with no name Resurrection after resurrection same every time Broken prophecy filled with truth False hope fills my soul An answer I’ll never come to understand
At the end of days everything will be much of the same… only different…
Through the darkness I can see the future Much darker than now Who am I to complain Existence is existence None the less Bitching my way to death A threat left empty handed What the hell else was I to do To live is to die Same as it ever was A broken promise left on paper Digital age took over So I guess I really am all alone
It is starting to get warmer here in hell… and fuck I hate it… going to have to go back to writing in the nude… it doesn’t help the ideas flow but it doesn’t stop them either… I hate the heat… can only strip down so far… haven’t found away to strip away my flesh… well I mean I have but I’m going to need some help… In the mean time all I am left with is to suffer… same as it ever was I guess… No idea where I was going with this… the sweat is getting in my eyes and I can’t think… that feeling when that one bead of sweat runs from your armpit and down your side… shiver… bring on the ice age already… it is too hot to make any sense…