Slowly killing myself Living life, not fast enough Dying life, not slow enough Speed it up Let it go Breathe a little Keep fucking running Not enough Add it up Subtract the dream Slowly killing myself Living life, not slow enough Dying life, not fast enough Drag it in Hold on tight Exhale a little Keep fucking pulling Not enough effort Add it up Subtract the want Nothing equals what you give Living on fumes Being dragged by the chain Waiting around bored Makes no sense Yet here we are
I can’t separate the need from the pain…
How many times are you going to break my heart? How many times will I let you? Ripping the heart from my chest What a useless vessel for love How much can one take? Enough to kill for At what point am I? What a useless question for love Not even close enough How many times are you going to take everything? How many times must I watch it all walk away? Stripping the soul from my body What a useless vessel for life How much can one take? Enough to die for At what point am I? What a useless question for something So meaningless as this
Sometimes it is easier to say the words out loud than to believe them…
Are you even trying? Do you try to breathe? No, why would I? You? Only when I’m drowning
Trying to make it through today…
Two weeks from thirty two Growing old The mirror’s reflection doesn’t look the same The mind feels as it always does Growing old Thinking about all the things Thinking how none of this means a thing Growing old Killing myself is getting old
“Things went from bad to worse,” he says as they
walk down the long corridor. “What do you mean?” One of his
colleagues asks. “Most importantly they are being taken to the facility
right now to insure there will be a future them,” he says ignoring the
question all together. “Doesn’t matter there won’t be,” another
colleague responds. They move quickly through the corridor making sure no one
sees them. “Sure maybe not now but twenty or thirty years from now when
they have figured it out. It will be the end of the world,” the leader
lays out. They arrive at an unmarked door. Looking around he inserts his key
card, “Quickly we don’t have much time. The cameras have already alerted
them I’m sure.” The three of them enter the room. “We need to erase
whatever we can,” the leader says. “What are we even really doing
here?” One of them asks. They walk through the stacks of tanks. Each one
containing what looks to be a fetus. “Trust me they won’t have cloning
figured out by then. Cloning doesn’t work now and by the time it does it be two
hundred or more years before it does. And even by then none of them will be
relevant beyond history books,” a colleague states. “Exactly, we need
to stop them now. These are all nothing more than failures. But the potential
each container contains. This is where it all starts. This is where we have to
make our stand,” the leader says. “Your fear of that future is
irrelevant. Some other monster will take their place,” one of them states.
They begin pulling electrical board after board as the tanks switch to back up
power. “We will impact the next fifty years by our actions today. We
fucked up already letting them go into hiding. Who knows exactly how much
information they were able to collect behind our backs,” the leader says.
“Doesn’t matter they won’t have us when all this is over. The others will
find them and do their part. Same as before. This won’t be over but you’re
right we can slow it down.”
The lights begin to flash as the backup systems trigger the disturbance. “We are in the final moments of our chance to do your part. Destroy whatever you can,” the leader orders. They split up and rush through the room pulling board after board. Sloppy they pull what they can as they hear the door open and the boots of their oppressors marching through. “Use extreme force,” they hear someone order before they hear the sound of bullets breaking glass. The sounds of screaming and death soon to follow. The floor is wet in more than just blood as the last one of the resistance takes their final breath. A solider walks over to their dying body. “If you do the devil’s work then you are,” a bullet to the head silences the room. “Sweep the room, recover the bodies, and report back,” the solider orders. The others do as they are told. Dragging the bodies of the dead to the center of the room. The sound of the door opening again fills the room. The sound of footsteps on glass follows. “Report,” a man in a white coat demands. “All deserters accounted for and terminated. Zero causalities on our side. They were unarmed. Damage unknown. Believed to be minimal,” the solider reports. “Good job. Could have been executed sooner, but good job none the less,” the man in the coat says. “Thank you sir,” the solider responds. “Now if we can figure out how they were able to bypass their programming?” The man in the white coat questions out loud.
Odd title… wonder if it is connected?… I’m sure it is… quick and easy story… a thought to link two ideas… is what it is… forever and a day to get it done… see you all again real soon…
Things aren’t quite the way they used to be. Things change fact
of life and death. Even if we can change those facts like I have. Things still
very much change. I no longer know who I am or what I have become. I’m not what
most people would consider normal. Well to be honest most would consider me to
be eccentric. They always have from every moment that I can remember. Strange
not normal. Broken and not equal. Different in every sense of the word. They
were right of course, but I guess chasing endless winter is not most people’s
idea of a good time. Not most people’s idea of where I should be or what I
should be doing. But I like the isolation, the cold, the loneliness of it all.
It helps me think and that is all they really want from me in the end. They
want me to think for them. To create for them. Being out here in the nothing
makes me feel more alive than a room full of people sucking up to my money.
Yes, I am rich. Richer than most nations to be exact. To be fair though that
isn’t saying much considering most nations didn’t go with technology. The
choice was too easy to follow me, to invest in my ideas. Man is flawed in that
way. Self-doubt, too easy can’t be the right way. Must resist and so they did.
Investing in war and death. I shouldn’t have to tell you how that turned out.
But history, stories they are summaries of things we already know.
Turns out bombs don’t feed people or build homes or take
care of you when you get old. No, bombs only have one purpose and they do that
function very well. But robots? My robots? They can do so much more than kill.
Most nations fallen to the way side, disappeared off the map of everything including
people’s minds. The advancements were swift, they were quick. I discovered a
loop hole that we had missed. Any easy option no one believed to exist. Greatly
enhanced soldiers that feel no pain, targeting systems that can target any and
everything you may desire, and a defense systems so advanced that it would make
nuclear war less of a fear and more of an annoyance. Whole nations wiping
themselves out before the missiles even left the ground. Only took a few of
these “brave and fearless leader” to wipe themselves out before all nuclear missiles
were deemed obsolete. In fact less bombs destroyed whole nations then had ever
been tested in the history of any nuclear program. I didn’t just make the world
better. I saved humanity and everything with it. These were only the beginnings
of my ideas. Yes, my pockets were lined with dirty dollars of anyone who was
willing to pay for protection. This is capitalism at its finest. This is
everything that we once believed in. Things they change even if we don’t think
that they can.
What is left of Christianity would blame faith in false idols and other dated terms for what was coming. Yes, I am that old. Faith can come to us at any moment, but it can not change in an instant. It is enduring like that unlike nations. The faithful fought the next wave of advancements. Pushed my patience beyond their limits. I grew bored with enhancing nations to the highest bidder. It was time to take my ideas to the people. Take it beyond the surface of what I knew and go deeper. Humans are a flawed design. Boasting about how we are the greatest at everything. Spreading lies beyond the fabric of what we know to be true, but I knew with my help. I could make all our lies, all our fables, all our faith in ourselves. I knew that I could make them true. My advancements in nano tech and hybrid parts brought the revolution to the people. Put everything in their hands to do with as they wished. So long as they paid. So long as they understood what it was they were getting into. They didn’t, but it didn’t matter. Humans adapt to ideas they don’t understand. It is a slow process, but they accept the way things are eventually or they die off. Evolution sits as a theory, but the problem is we understand it better than we think. We accept it as truth even as we question its very existence. Deep down we already knew. We have always known what is that we are, where we come from, and how it will all go. There may be no all-seeing god, but something moves us to follow blindly. I will give them that. No one, not even myself can be as arrogant to not believe in a purpose.
The fall was coming. Everything I had created was going to
turn. Human history is riddle with stories similar to mine. Roman Empire, the Chinese
Dynasties, early man, and the list could follow us all the way to today. Life
doesn’t stop under the wheel of change. It grows stronger. Picking up speed
until we no longer understand what it is that we have created. A bump in the
road, a great fall, but this one was different. This one was not like the rest.
Unlike the falls of the past, the missteps that lead to something else. This
one changed the game. Changed the world and the human race. We moved past
everything we thought we knew. We became something greater than ourselves. The
ones that were left that is. The advancements I made in human tech changed the
game. We became one with the robots. Equal to my creations. Working side by
side until we cleaned up everything. We needed something more though. We always
need something more. We looked to the skies once again. Except this time we
knew that we were ready to face any and all challenges. No longer a dream, but
the next step in our evolution. My evolution, my purpose in this world. For the
first time in human history people are too busy thinking. Thinking of ways to
make everything better rather than how to destroy. For the first time in human
history everyone is thinking like me.
That is why I live here alone like this. That is why among other things I do what I do. I feel this need to distance myself from them. I feel this over encumbering need to be as far away from them as I can. The wind howls outside of my cabin. A few more days left of darkness and the chase will begin again. The world advancing by the minute and my wealth grows. The owner of this world, my empire, lives in near darkness studying the sky for the lost planet no one’s even hear of yet. Trying to make sense of my purpose in this world.
This fucking story… This story didn’t start out like this at all… the original draft was trash… an idea that I didn’t know was there until I looked a lot deeper… So I worked on it… worked with it… typed up the whole thing on my phone… had it all amazing… had it to a point that I thought was good… then technology and my stupidity fucked me… While trying to transfer the file from my phone to my computer… using all the great advancements that Google bestowed onto us… I lost the whole thing…
Back to step one… and I was fucking pissed… I’m still pissed and it has been over a week… still pissed and I have rewritten the whole thing for a second time… but it is over and done?… I just read it… why are you so pissed?… Who cares?… you are right but it doesn’t matter… I’m pissed because the story was vastly different… and how it was different I don’t know… but I know… I write by the seat of my pants… I write until it is done… I purge the thoughts and move on… so if it isn’t written down… saved somewhere… I have no idea what it was that I even said…
So… all that work… all that effort… gone in a flash… and like this character all I think about is progression… not going back… But I had to go back… I had to finish this story… redo this story… because I needed this story for two other stories in this cycle… woke up today… and got it done… It isn’t that bad actually… still pretty pissed that I had to do it again… but for all I know… it might have all been for the best… destruction and loss… may have all been for the best… or maybe it wasn’t… “Faith can come to us at any moment, but it can not change in an instant”…
A place I once knew A thought I thought Understood by only me This is for everything you’ve done Everything you’ve become A nightmare I once knew A thought I thought Understood by no one This is for everything you’ve written Everything you’ve become A heart I once knew A thought that over takes me Understood you’d understand This is everything you’ve meant to me Everything I thought you were Take the breath right out of me Took the words out of my soul Taken everything I used to be
Does any of it matter?
A break between the waves Air, water, food the rest is pointless Conditioned to believe I’m doing the right thing Sacrifice, suffer, endure only a symptom A schism from underground Realizing now the end was never the point The present was always the tomb
If none of it ever did?
The devil’s making her way inside Her cape draped, drips with crimson The genius that it is A flashing image of imagination A reality stuck in my head Why is it we question anything that is said? Why is it we want to be lead so blindly? God told me once, said some shit about shutting the fuck up The secrets we’re never meant to be spoken Only thought about in the darkness of the mind The dark ages such a lovely time Truth spread like a plague, killing all of those who said The age of information, the day of reckoning around the corner A sin with nothing to say Are you, is anyone ever prepared for the truth? Are you, is anyone willing to? Dancing blindly in the dark The world was never yours What give you the belief heaven is any different? Her trail of crimson grows with every step
Dying inside is a solitary burden.
No one tries to take anything from you They just did Selfish and selfless Explain the meaning and tell me the difference To get something from nothing And make it last Has to be the hardest of all A diamond in a sea of shit Shinning but muted Explain the meaning and tell me the difference
Really need to change this image… need to do a lot of things… won’t go into a long rant right now… not really up to it… just trying to get through the day… feeling lazy… well I’m feeling like I want to take on a million things… and nothing at all at the same time… does that makes sense?.. yeah… I don’t get it either…
Get over it as they say Killing off, cutting off the dead limbs The misery, the pain Burning down the village of the damned Taking everything I deserve Worked harder than I care to admit For nothing at all Big ass smile, fucking let down Watching the flames burn higher and higher The stench more than anyone can handle Move the fuck away from me Haven’t you ever seen someone Trying to kill themselves for your pleasure?
Face down… ass up… looking for the sun…
I know because I’ve heard before Thought I could hide my intentions For eons I’ve done nothing right A promise I couldn’t keep Lies stitch together my very soul God was right they’re all destined to fail How could I, a fallen angel, have not known Jealousy courses through their veins Hate and anger a diet they must consume No one ever pauses to question Who creates something so awful and calls them their children? A beaten corpse with no name Resurrection after resurrection same every time Broken prophecy filled with truth False hope fills my soul An answer I’ll never come to understand
At the end of days everything will be much of the same… only different…
Through the darkness I can see the future Much darker than now Who am I to complain Existence is existence None the less Bitching my way to death A threat left empty handed What the hell else was I to do To live is to die Same as it ever was A broken promise left on paper Digital age took over So I guess I really am all alone
It is starting to get warmer here in hell… and fuck I hate it… going to have to go back to writing in the nude… it doesn’t help the ideas flow but it doesn’t stop them either… I hate the heat… can only strip down so far… haven’t found away to strip away my flesh… well I mean I have but I’m going to need some help… In the mean time all I am left with is to suffer… same as it ever was I guess… No idea where I was going with this… the sweat is getting in my eyes and I can’t think… that feeling when that one bead of sweat runs from your armpit and down your side… shiver… bring on the ice age already… it is too hot to make any sense…
You keep coming at me Sticking your face where it doesn’t belong Maybe it is your ideology that puts you in your place Maybe it is all the things that you couldn’t say Beat you down to make it go away A constant fight with too much at stake Killing the reasons that drive me insane Choking all these feelings, put them in their place Maybe it is all the things I have to take Maybe it is all the times I have felt raped The words sink in and I don’t know what to say Too many days feeling this way
I don’t play God I just Sheppard in his beliefs
Your little tragedies are building up A cut here, a scar there The blood rebuilds but never heals A truth we don’t want to believe Invincible in the sense that we are not Riding this thoughtless thought out
Taking each moment in
Falling victim to the flames Standing up to the walls of Christ Stuck somewhere in between A theory, a thought on it all Trying harder to not try at all Trapped in a wake I can not escape God had a plan she just forgot to tell me Rising above the tide, a glimpse, a vision Comes to mind but why should it ever Make any sense Intention are never the same as actions Reading minds never got me anywhere
The voices take me under
The darkness hides a secret A truth we could never take The nightmare of it all Inflicted with so many issues Praying is one way to bring in the demons Drinking has always been An escape I could never afford Breaking down all the reasons You are still in my mind Miss the days it was only You and I My regrets aren’t the ones hidden on the surface Resting in the shadows Sleeping on the cold floor of my heart Miss everything I could never have Choices made Decisions out of my control Spreading messages I don’t even understand Saying shit I don’t know how to say Broken, I wish they’d just go away
Chipping away at all these notes… feels good to get some of this off my mind… my heart… my soul… if words were an avalanche of shit… I’m buried under them… haha… could you imagine?… may have thrown up in my mouth a little bit… if you have ever changed a diaper… the smell alone… shiver… haha…
There is no good transition from that last paragraph… though technically is it a paragraph if all the sentences are broken up?… never covered that one in school… odd they never covered any of my style in school… well that’s not fair… they probably did… but more in the what not to do… so you know I wasn’t listening… obviously… : )
In a good mood today… feeling life… writing all this depressing shit was a drag… kind of felt like who is this asshole?… then I remembered it was me… still in a good mood… good moods are bad for me… I’m not feeling this at all… this is very much gun to my head writing… but you deserve more… and I want to give it to you… maybe you don’t feel that way… maybe you think I am crazy… hey no one reading this really knows… listening to Where Is My Mind by The Pixies… (Not even going to link that… because you should know that song…) Getting lost in that under water sound…
Breaking down in front of the lord Gave you all my sin Gave me all that you adore Burning to stay alive Could all of this have been a sign? A lesson never learned over time Up in flames So dead inside A walking belief A walking reason to die The scars only tell a story A silent one that makes no sense Words written in lies If there is a God He has nothing left but lies
I’m so gone, left wondering why I do this to myself So obsessed with a reason to die Smile this is all I had Talk about one thing Never how I feel Let all of this slip through the cracks Shattered dreams, bloody fingers Another reason why So much of this actually makes sense
There is a darkness in my heart How I feel Kill myself what does it all mean? Destroyed, who I am, a darkness I was never meant to understand A guilt that doesn’t mean anything Ask me, I’ll do it Not a dare, how I feel Lost, longing for answers no more
Look for you in hell My hands around your throat Your head submersed in the lake of fire Found you once, know I can do it again Not so special after all
Love you more than I’ve ever loved me Saying the same old thing Clean up the wounds, wash away the pain Still me, still the same old thing It kills me to say, it tears me apart Unapologetically that I will change The devil you’ve always known The one you’ve always loved Killing me will only make me stronger
Hope all is well… doing good on this end… I’m sure no one will believe me after reading that post… but that’s okay… sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction… Smile… it is today… : )