flash – Chewing On Glass

Broken Thoughts… Exaggerating My Importance To Society…

A place I once knew
A thought I thought
Understood by only me
This is for everything you’ve done
Everything you’ve become
A nightmare I once knew
A thought I thought
Understood by no one
This is for everything you’ve written
Everything you’ve become
A heart I once knew
A thought that over takes me
Understood you’d understand
This is everything you’ve meant to me
Everything I thought you were
Take the breath right out of me
Took the words out of my soul
Taken everything I used to be

Does any of it matter?

A break between the waves
Air, water, food the rest is pointless
Conditioned to believe I’m doing the right thing
Sacrifice, suffer, endure only a symptom
A schism from underground
Realizing now the end was never the point
The present was always the tomb

If none of it ever did?

The devil’s making her way inside
Her cape draped, drips with crimson
The genius that it is
A flashing image of imagination
A reality stuck in my head
Why is it we question anything that is said?
Why is it we want to be lead so blindly?
God told me once, said some shit about shutting the fuck up
The secrets we’re never meant to be spoken
Only thought about in the darkness of the mind
The dark ages such a lovely time
Truth spread like a plague, killing all of those who said
The age of information, the day of reckoning around the corner
A sin with nothing to say
Are you, is anyone ever prepared for the truth?
Are you, is anyone willing to?
Dancing blindly in the dark
The world was never yours
What give you the belief heaven is any different?
Her trail of crimson grows with every step

Dying inside is a solitary burden.

No one tries to take anything from you
They just did
Selfish and selfless
Explain the meaning and tell me the difference
To get something from nothing
And make it last
Has to be the hardest of all
A diamond in a sea of shit
Shinning but muted
Explain the meaning and tell me the difference

Really need to change this image… need to do a lot of things… won’t go into a long rant right now… not really up to it… just trying to get through the day… feeling lazy… well I’m feeling like I want to take on a million things… and nothing at all at the same time… does that makes sense?.. yeah… I don’t get it either…

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Broken Thoughts… Saving Myself for Sunday…

Get over it as they say
Killing off, cutting off the dead limbs
The misery, the pain
Burning down the village of the damned
Taking everything I deserve
Worked harder than I care to admit
For nothing at all
Big ass smile, fucking let down
Watching the flames burn higher and higher
The stench more than anyone can handle
Move the fuck away from me
Haven’t you ever seen someone
Trying to kill themselves for your pleasure?

Face down… ass up… looking for the sun…

I know because I’ve heard before
Thought I could hide my intentions
For eons I’ve done nothing right
A promise I couldn’t keep
Lies stitch together my very soul
God was right they’re all destined to fail
How could I, a fallen angel, have not known
Jealousy courses through their veins
Hate and anger a diet they must consume
No one ever pauses to question
Who creates something so awful and calls them their children?
A beaten corpse with no name
Resurrection after resurrection same every time
Broken prophecy filled with truth
False hope fills my soul
An answer I’ll never come to understand

At the end of days everything will be much of the same… only different…

Through the darkness
I can see the future
Much darker than now
Who am I to complain
Existence is existence
None the less
Bitching my way to death
A threat left empty handed
What the hell else was I to do
To live is to die
Same as it ever was
A broken promise left on paper
Digital age took over
So I guess I really am all alone

It is starting to get warmer here in hell… and fuck I hate it… going to have to go back to writing in the nude… it doesn’t help the ideas flow but it doesn’t stop them either… I hate the heat… can only strip down so far… haven’t found away to strip away my flesh… well I mean I have but I’m going to need some help… In the mean time all I am left with is to suffer… same as it ever was I guess… No idea where I was going with this… the sweat is getting in my eyes and I can’t think… that feeling when that one bead of sweat runs from your armpit and down your side… shiver… bring on the ice age already… it is too hot to make any sense…

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Broken Thoughts… Even When I Ain’t Saying…

You keep coming at me
Sticking your face where it doesn’t belong
Maybe it is your ideology that puts you in your place
Maybe it is all the things that you couldn’t say
Beat you down to make it go away
A constant fight with too much at stake
Killing the reasons that drive me insane
Choking all these feelings, put them in their place
Maybe it is all the things I have to take
Maybe it is all the times I have felt raped
The words sink in and I don’t know what to say
Too many days feeling this way

I don’t play God I just Sheppard in his beliefs

Your little tragedies are building up
A cut here, a scar there
The blood rebuilds but never heals
A truth we don’t want to believe
Invincible in the sense that we are not
Riding this thoughtless thought out

Taking each moment in

Falling victim to the flames
Standing up to the walls of Christ
Stuck somewhere in between
A theory, a thought on it all
Trying harder to not try at all
Trapped in a wake I can not escape
God had a plan she just forgot to tell me
Rising above the tide, a glimpse, a vision
Comes to mind but why should it ever
Make any sense
Intention are never the same as actions
Reading minds never got me anywhere

The voices take me under

The darkness hides a secret
A truth we could never take
The nightmare of it all
Inflicted with so many issues
Praying is one way to bring in the demons
Drinking has always been
An escape I could never afford
Breaking down all the reasons
You are still in my mind
Miss the days it was only
You and I
My regrets aren’t the ones hidden on the surface
Resting in the shadows
Sleeping on the cold floor of my heart
Miss everything I could never have
Choices made
Decisions out of my control
Spreading messages I don’t even understand
Saying shit I don’t know how to say
Broken, I wish they’d just go away

Chipping away at all these notes… feels good to get some of this off my mind… my heart… my soul… if words were an avalanche of shit… I’m buried under them… haha… could you imagine?… may have thrown up in my mouth a little bit… if you have ever changed a diaper… the smell alone… shiver… haha…

There is no good transition from that last paragraph… though technically is it a paragraph if all the sentences are broken up?… never covered that one in school… odd they never covered any of my style in school… well that’s not fair… they probably did… but more in the what not to do… so you know I wasn’t listening… obviously… : )

In a good mood today… feeling life… writing all this depressing shit was a drag… kind of felt like who is this asshole?… then I remembered it was me… still in a good mood… good moods are bad for me… I’m not feeling this at all… this is very much gun to my head writing… but you deserve more… and I want to give it to you… maybe you don’t feel that way… maybe you think I am crazy… hey no one reading this really knows… listening to Where Is My Mind by The Pixies… (Not even going to link that… because you should know that song…) Getting lost in that under water sound…

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Broken Thoughts- A Perpetrator With a Quill…

Breaking down in front of the lord
Gave you all my sin
Gave me all that you adore
Burning to stay alive
Could all of this have been a sign?
A lesson never learned over time
Up in flames
So dead inside
A walking belief
A walking reason to die
The scars only tell a story
A silent one that makes no sense
Words written in lies
If there is a God
He has nothing left but lies

I’m so gone, left wondering why
I do this to myself
So obsessed with a reason to die
Smile this is all I had
Talk about one thing
Never how I feel
Let all of this slip through the cracks
Shattered dreams, bloody fingers
Another reason why
So much of this actually makes sense

There is a darkness in my heart
How I feel
Kill myself what does it all mean?
Destroyed, who I am, a darkness
I was never meant to understand
A guilt that doesn’t mean anything
Ask me, I’ll do it
Not a dare, how I feel
Lost, longing for answers no more

Look for you in hell
My hands around your throat
Your head submersed in the lake of fire
Found you once, know I can do it again
Not so special after all

Love you more than I’ve ever loved me
Saying the same old thing
Clean up the wounds, wash away the pain
Still me, still the same old thing
It kills me to say, it tears me apart
Unapologetically that I will change
The devil you’ve always known
The one you’ve always loved
Killing me will only make me stronger

Hope all is well… doing good on this end… I’m sure no one will believe me after reading that post… but that’s okay… sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction… Smile… it is today… : )

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Digging Up The Past… Time To Waste… Vol. 3

Back for another installment of embarrassment… still stuck on the age of seventeen… and moving into to eighteen… Chewing On Glass presents… Time To Waste…

The person you are
Nothing means everything you want to say
Nothing (x4)
You are
Nothing means anything I thought I needed to say
Nothing (x4)
I am
Nothing is what we are
Nothing (x4)
My everything

This was yet another “song” I had in my head… Nine Inch Nails inspired…

I am, everything
I am, everything you
Want me to be
I am
Everything you needed me to be
I am
What you fucking’ think of me

What Do You See

You convey
Every little mother fucking thing
You show me
What it is you fucking think of me

You fucking do this to me
You fucking show me who I used to be
You fucking do this to me
You fucking everything I used to be

Why won’t you let me be
Every little mother fucking thing
Why won’t you let me go
What is it that you think of me

Chorus
(Everything, Everything) x2
I am everything you (Scream)
Need me to be
I am what you put inside of me

Okay so they aren’t complex songs… I have always liked punk for the same reason… It is… was… all about emotion… getting that thought or feeling out… this is how I feel deal with it… With that said… I’m still really into the chorus… I like the idea that the back up singer starts a chant… and then the singer answers back… obviously Nine Inch Nails and the Misfits… never really did that… If I had to guess that would be the Blink-182 influence I snuck in there… Which by this time… when I wrote this… I was too cool for such a band… Don’t be a sell out… blah…

Movie Ideas
Zombie Film
Horror Movie
School / Drug Film (Would steal ideas from this for A Lie later in life…)
Cannery Row (Great fucking book…)
Messenger
Future/ War Movie (This would be folded into War of 2012… Never released… I believe…)
Superhero Movie (Naturally…)
Documentary (Because who makes the above movies… then is like nah… I’ll make a doc…)

In high school I was very much into music… it was my life… all I talked about… all I dreamed of… but in my head it didn’t seem obtainable… a dream… at the same time I was really doing well in Video Communications… won some “awards” for different things… they were in school awards… but people were pretty hyped… figured if I didn’t make it in music… I could do movies… overtime… that drifted away… mutated… and became writing…

In truth I’m too controlling to be a director… but not controlling enough to tell other people what to do… I like that about writing… It is all on me… the only explanation that I really need to get my point across is the story itself… I don’t have to explain what is going on in my head with another person… I don’t have to argue why this shot needs to be this way… oh I have an idea about this… etc… I write it and either you like it or… I try again…

Here I sit I write for you
But you’ll never know the truth
Every day I’ll wait for you
But you’ll never see the truth
Here I sit I lie to you
But you’ll never know the truth
Everyday I’ll wait on you
But you’ll never tell the truth

Sun

It hurts to open my eyes
The worlds on fire
You have let it burn
My eyes are shut
It takes its course

You’re not born but when
You are you’ll want to die

Its been taken away
Before it was given
You have been left to die

Always a blast… to revisit the past… not really… but sometimes we don’t know where we are going without knowing where we have been… life is a ride… well I’ll let the late great Bill Hicks explain… because honestly… I’ll just butcher it…

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Broken Thoughts… Swinging For The Fences…

What the fuck am I even doing
Digging ditches called memories
It’s all pointless so why
Do I feel the need to cry
The reason to breath, fucking seething
Unhappy and I don’t know why
Pointless, but here we go
Another day waking and waiting
Here we go another day
Believing everything will be fine
Here we go one more fucking day
Feeling like this

Clapping along to a death song
I’ve known all along

Go ahead and smile
Really I don’t care
Stabbing you in the face
Will only be easier
Please, no, be you
Distant memories while I dance on
Your grave

Gearing up for the ass fuck of the century
A daily grind one upped every night
(Takes a bow)

Your insecurities rub up against me
A broken down thought, in need of a lobotomy
Toxic nervousness that surrounds us all
Thought provoking image drench in tears
Worldliness verbiage that makes no sense
You’ve gone and turned my mind inside out

“America’s problem is that we are so afraid of outside forces that we forget we are the outside force”…

I don’t have time to fail
A constant push to get myself out of here
Lost dream taken over by regret

I’m still on vacation… for how long?… no idea… but I will be checking in and out through out the month… hopefully by December… I can get back into some sort of routine… What have you been up to?… How have you been?… Hope all is well…

Layne Ambrose
11/12/18

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Nothing Ever Changes…. Growing Old At The Thought…

Defying death the thing I’ve become
Say a prayer for all that you know
Silence falls on your prayer
Beyond my control
Beyond my understanding
Only human, you know what I know
Murder, fucking death
Respond to the sins I understand
Look to the past, words
Existence I’ve failed to understand

Education was always the plan
Lost on the insecure, lost on the damned
How fucking big is your ass?
Education was always meant to sustain
A plan no one understands
Ignorance sown within our souls
Fuck your thoughts, bull shit plans
Mob rule, mob mentality
I’m owed mine, I’m owed yours
Selfish fuck that I’ve always claimed to be
The reality only a thing
Laughing at your pain
Because the realization is all too late
Sucking on the tail pipe
Slashing away, jerking off to the thought
That all of this makes no sense

Bury me with it
Bury me with all that I know
Lies, words, Santa Clause was real
Until it wasn’t
Your parents were assholes
Honest, but still
Fucked since the word go
Hug them, love them, tried their best
Wrong, only human
I’m them, I never wanted to
Suffocating through what I know

Could blame them but know that I am them
Love them more than before
What you should know
We are all trying to hold on
Embrace them, don’t shun them
Why are we here?
Don’t ask them, suffering together
Sad fucking realization
Thank them, not me, for fucking trying

Santa Clause is real, god, everything they thought
Lost in all of this, a life I’m not willing to admit
Smashing my skull against a wall
Killing myself for everything they thought
An epic about nothing at all

Embrace everything you thought
Not special at all
The vision not what we thought
Same as we were anyway
All I was trying to say
Love them all the same

Our parents are all they could be… our parents our us… fight it… believe I am wrong… but know… your parents fuck… your parents have thoughts… your parents are us after all… eww I know… gross… shake off the thought… but know you aren’t a freak… wonder if they feel like you?… they do… no other reason… than they are human… This whole thing is a shit show… welcome to the stage… smile… let’s move the fuck on… need advice?… ask those around you… it will be awkward… believe me when I say that’s what it means to be an adult… believe me when I say they feel the same…

Shhh… you wanted the secret… well the secret was fucking lame… : )… not trying to be a dick… just saying… not trying to make you throw up… but let’s be honest… your parents have always felt the same… mind-blowing… fucking crazy… hug them all the same… because they did this… dealt with this all… long before you could ever think… fucking heroes… martyrs to the cause of it all… good or bad… they tried their fucking best… what else could you ever ask of them after all?… that’s love… Think about it… come back to me… when you understand… been there for years… just sinking in… Not original… only a copy… excuse me as I throw up at the thought… only human after all… haha… never been better than you… Never been better than the heroes I’ve loved… only human… hard at the thought… embrace my part… embrace who I am after all… why the fuck do you listen to me at all?…

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Thoughts… comments…. leave them because all of this is fucking insane… just want to get better… don’t care about words like fame… money… I just want to sustain… so if that means negativity… if that means pain… only want to get better… only want a reason to live… don’t care how lame… this is all I got out side of family… going to try whether or not you feel the same… all I ever wanted was to find people who feel the same… people to make me better… been a selfish ass… before I knew your name… hate me… I love you all the same… I love you for fucking being you… thank you… let the lead out… hurt no one but Know I Can Take It… maybe My Only Purpose… : )