flash – Chewing On Glass

Broken Thoughts… Best Part Of The Day…

So stupid and simple
Seems pointless to even mention
I wanted all of this, no, needed maybe
The cuts they sting and the skin itches
Who am I without the pain
Don’t think I will ever know
Ever understand
Until the end
So simple and sad
To think that this was all there ever was

A girl already knows it
How much more of this I can take
Broken down and left for dead
A woman already knows
How much more of this I can take
Plotting and planning the revenge

Dark and lonely is the night
Keeping time with the halogen lights in the sky
No sleep for three more days
Lost my mind, did it to myself
Hearing voices in the night
Scarring myself against the light
Broken bones and burned out lungs
They call me to come closer
Hidden in the darkness
The chanting never seems to go away
What is it that I have become
A monster, a singular being of existence
Tell myself all will be okay
But what is it that I’ve known all along
Digging deeper, their voices become silent
Eventually they all leave me
Leave me alone to deal with myself

Breaking my spirit for nothing to gain
How it must feel to be like you
Where does one go to become like you
Dragging my feet through hell
Because I have nothing else to do
Savoring every moment of this drawn out death
Blacken lung you’ve taken out all the fun
Breaking the chain that binds me to you
One long umbilical cord straight to the heart
Taken enough abuse to last a lifetime in this place

Turns Out

The ground gives out, words become worthless
Turns out flat earth people were right
The sky opens up, a hand reaches down
Turns out God isn’t a lie after all
A visual landscape of hell, everything thought was worthless
Turns out the devil was me all along
Created madness with sin, where does one begin
Turns out a verbal history is about giving in
The seas will rise, fall beneath the cracks in the ground
Turns out global warming was a myth
The air gets thinner up here, standing at sea level
Turns out space was never the answer
A visual representation of nothing at all
Turns out the games we play were playing us all along
Living a lie has always had its purpose
Too bad the meaning was worthless
Nothing you have ever said has been right
Your actions steeping in Sin
Who are we to decide where this all begins
Turns out we never existed after all

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Broken Thoughts… Light Edition… Or At Least I Tried*

Breaking down the walls that surround your rules
On how things are supposed to be
Nothing is supposed to be anything
How things are, are not that way at all
Time has shown us nothing
Time keeps going whether right or wrong
The rules are not the rules at all

Falling apart at a low speed
Coming apart at the seams?
Don’t know any more what that means

Fight among the ones that should unite
It is what we wanted all along
I had a dream became something ain’t right
Became everything I never wanted to be
A hypocrite, liar, shattered
Search for the answers through the ruble
We think we understand but we have no idea at all
Trapped in a world that doesn’t forgive, only forgets
Stuck in a place without a thing to say
More said the more we are driven under
Step out of line and leave your place, left behind
The times they aren’t a changing
Only coming back again
A suffocating wave of everything we’ve ever said

Feel free to judge, I don’t mind
Do it all the time
Explaining my thoughts
So much easier with tears in my eyes
My anger it doesn’t subside
My feelings are taking me to my grave
Smile real big, it doesn’t hurt
Does it hurt, do I care
Keep doing it anyway
With the same fucking smile craved into my face
I hate myself but more than you
Ask me again, what was the fucking question
Breaking bones, breaking souls, breaking down
How much of this is really okay to take
Prescription running low
How much more do you really need to know

Well I tried to make this light… seems all I have are heavy words… for a heavy soul… unpacking all my thoughts… takes some of the weight off… allows for more to slip in though… the dark thoughts that surround me… seep into my mind… a drug… I could never quite… and believe me I have tried… digging and scratching… screaming… “I have had enough”… nothing is ever enough…

Well that got dark real quick… haha… wasn’t even trying… Speaking of dark… something to check out would be the comic… Ice Cream Man… it is so weird and out there… I’m on issue 5… still very unsure what it is about… which has me hooked… the art is really amazing… I have two of the covers on the walls of my office… I wanted to put them all up… but I have too many comics up on my walls as it is… Some other dark and odd graphic novels to check out would be Gideon Falls and Plastic… okay… I’m done staring at my walls… what kind of stuff do you have on your walls?…

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Thank you for all the support…

Nothing Like The Last Minute

Free Fall Into the Ground

Blurred lines between what is real
What I believe
Smoked too much today
Coughing up blood, coughing up a lung
Three more than maybe put them down
Given up on love because it gave up on me
A light burns on in the distance
Wonder if this is all that has come to be
End of the road, but I still see more signs
Can’t read the words
Know that they’re there from the blurred lines
Still waiting for the fun
The best years of my life and all that shit
Might have left it all behind without knowing
Knowing may have been half the battle
Still stuck in the middle with no one after all
Miss my enemies more than missing you
Blurred lines of dreams and consciousness
Used to know which part of this life was real
Feels so fake it makes me sick
Given in too much has made me weak
Brought down off my cloud with a free fall to the ground
Never more satisfied than with my own death
Still breathing, fuck it all in the end

As the title says this was very last minute… lost track of time… I thought I would try a new logo out… it feels too big… a little redundant as well… by now… at some point… you could have probably guessed that this was written by me… Layne Ambrose… as it is my website… can’t win them all… hopefully I will have some new logos up pretty soon… maybe some that don’t state the obvious… no promises… be back on Wednesday with another exciting edition of Broken Thoughts… and maybe some news… at the rate in which I am losing track of time though… who knows…

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Because Everything Can’t Be So Serious… Or Can It?…

Might be leaving here with very little battery life
But I don’t care
All in my head if you ask me
Not truly dead until five percent
And even then
Bringing all the hurt one could ever need
A sinkhole made of shit, more like quicksand
But who’s asking me
No one ever did so maybe that’s why I’m so bitter
Never got invited to the dance
And I never asked
Locked away inside my head
The despair is getting to me
Self-preservation unconsciously
But there’s nothing wrong with that
After awhile
After some time
All batteries drain away and the signals all gone

“Mother’s Love Chocolate Covered Shit” was a title I came up with, but never used… It was going to be this long monologue… long stream of conscious thought… about all the chocolate covered shit at work for Mother’s Day… Yet no woman in my life has ever asked me or shown interest in such things… is this a case of society pushing crap on women or a deep secret desire to cover the world in chocolate?… but why only on Mother’s Day ladies?… Why not every day?… change starts with you… if you want something you have to take it… and pour chocolate on it…

Proudly serving those that serve
Hidden slavery no one understands
Taken a fool by the Masters
Best intentions at heart
Proudly owned by those who own me
Wish I could separate myself from who I’ve become
Jaded and lost, time has a funny way of screwing us all
Where have the days gone if they haven’t gone anywhere
Standing in a stand still
Death will be here soon and then what do we do
Rehearsing my place in all of this
One long line waiting to get in
Praying all of this will seem worth it

“I don’t see the bosses yellow Mustang or the midlife crises cruiser as I’ve been known to call it, so he is not here. Which is either a good thing or a very bad for me.” Not everything has to make sense at the time or years later… for some reason I never finished this thought… and even now I don’t know where I was going with this… This next part is in the same boat… a prewrite where… well you can read it and tell me…

This prewrite didn’t reveal shit
Fuck technique when it doesn’t matter
Too much anger to flow
Too much anger to make any sense
Fuck you, like I care
I don’t, oh well, what are we going to do about it?
Suffering maybe the best way
But where does that leave the rest of us
Put your balls on the table
Watch them get chopped off and added to the pile
Wonder what the fuck is happening
Does it matter anymore
Fuck you said in only so many ways
Bit the curb and succumb to the toothless grin
Turns out teeth were more important than once thought
Rotting out from the inside
Your breath smells like shit and I can’t take it anymore
Shattered perception of what it takes to be a man
Called out to define the definition of a vagina
The words are so convoluted it’s like they don’t makes sense at all
Given up on the solution and the conflicted
Hollowed out and welcomed home

This was all in fun… leftover pieces that didn’t fit anywhere else… some of it was stupid… who writes a poem about battery life?… haha… made sense at the time… lack of sleep will make anything makes sense though… the last entry… I have no idea where I was going other than to say random things… was my favorite… a lot of really cool… weird… dark lines… hopefully you enjoyed this trip inside my mind… this adventure into the past…

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Broken Thoughts… A Passion…

Got to drink for any of this to make any sense
Anything to drain my mind from feeling like this
Breaking apart or so it seems
Becoming the darkness in the shadows of my mind
Not much longer and the devil will be I
Given up so much to not be them
Taken in so much poison to be so far removed
The venom hurt at first, but not anymore
Above all things I have learned
Feeling nothing at all was always the greatest lesson
One more to make this all go away
A broken thought to end them all

How long am I willing to wait for everything to be better
How long has it been already
My whole life, nothing’s changed
No matter what I do
My impatience a crutch
My boredom only an excuse
How long am I willing to believe everything will be better
How long has it been already
My whole life, everything changes
No matter what I do
My experiences a crutch
My anticipation only an excuse
To believe this depression will ever leave me

A long gasp at the air
Who knew this was it
A long stride into hell
Who knew it could be as cool as this
Broke away only to break in
How we’ve missed it
The signs all pointed North
Been heading South all along
What it is outside the observable universe
More nothing then we can understand
Who knew it was a joke
Wasn’t funny, laughed anyway
Paying attention but no idea what’s been said
Wandering around naked never felt so natural
Wasting time trying to figure it out
No longer running from something
All that matters after so much pain

Been depressed as of late… feeling sorry for myself once again… I hate it… yet I fall right in line… digging myself out takes most of my excuses… sorry energy… I have no reason to feel depressed… but there I sit… staring at the screen… wanting to be here nor there… sitting… doing nothing… pissing myself off at my own laziness… I work like there is a gun held to the back of my head…. but at home?… I stare into a screen… a wall… a mirror… acting as though I have all the time in the world… as though everything will work itself out… I’m all mixed up… setting off the triggers… that leave me lying there… do this to myself… and blame everyone else… talking to myself inside my head once again…

At work I was working on this whole other thing in my head… still am I guess… chewing on the glass… so to speak… the blood drips from my lip… I think I know where it is I must begin…

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Lips Turning Blue… Again…

Oroblram

I’m lost and going in circles
Never left this spot
Yet here I’m not
I’d give you what I know
But I know so little
I’m afraid it won’t do
Tomorrow though if I’m not dead
Past tense of course
Words are forever
Etched into our skin
Actions only a second
Recorded for all the see
Worth and concern
The two don’t ever change
Which is worth more to you
Here is my advice
Fuck off and see what happens
Working out just fine
Masturbating is the best sex you’ll ever have
Yet you still try to fuck everything that moves
Humanity at its finest
Haven’t you heard
We’ve got another day at the most
Secrets been out for centuries
Turns out none of it mattered
All the stress, the fear, the life, the death
Built upon an altar, built in the mind
I’m lost and going in circles
Spinning deeper and deeper
All of this I’ve done for you
Promise me you understand
Promise you know this too
You’ve always known
Hidden thoughts, hidden words
For my protection kept me hidden away
You’re welcome

Ready For This

I have a few minutes before I have to rest
Going down in a hail of gunfire, fire and brimstone
Going down to hell with a sense of retaliation
I could really give a fuck about your retribution
It is as though you did this
Created all this sad stupid shit
An infinite loop known as purgatory
Known as life
Following in the footsteps of Christ
Suffering is easy, its dealing with everything else that is too much
I’m okay with letting you down
I’m only sick of letting myself down
An endless parade known as time
Marching on, marching onto nothing
Writing my memories in blood
Across the walls of this all
It is as though you knew this
Lining up to take the fall
So ready for this
We are all martyrs after all

Somehow ended up choosing two poems with similar endings… I wasn’t trying to do that… I found another one with a similar theme… then I stumbled on this last one… was too blinded by the last line… oh well.. can’t win them all… and yes… if you are wondering… I do have a fuck ton of poetry… but I am not a poet… haha… I am such a liar…

Bonus line… didn’t fit in the first one… “Truth a spiral propagated by lies”…

As promised… My soul is available on Threadless… Merch… Amazon… Books… Etsy… Art… as always any review is a good review…

Chasing The Demon Into The Night

Keep living inside my mind
Running out of lives
Doesn’t matter if it never did
How I wish I could only live inside my head
World’s full of liars, light a match and set fire
The bodies like kindling, it was only a matter of time
If I am God tell what reason I have
Sun comes up and then goes back down
In reality I’m just spinning around
Gouging out my eyes to see if I’m blind
Disabled and can’t be repaired
Searching the world for someone who really cares
Like you, God or man, just like you

Think About It

Even if it’s not
What would be the point
Of fighting if the outcome
Is the same as before
What is life worth if it is worthless
Confused, I don’t get the point either
Passive aggressive I suppose
My mind feels sick
Infected with thoughts
That need no answers
But I ask the questions anyway
Fuck off
Is that for me or you
I no longer know
Sure in time I’ll find out
Even if I was to give you an answer
It’ll never be the one that you want
Lost in thought, lost in translation
I’m flying first class
But I’m broke
But I’m broken
The money never changed how anyone
Felt inside their mind
The money only changed everything else
Would I still want it if it was free
It’s a trap, a scheme
To pull one over on me
Thank you for the advice

Desperately seeking vengeance against crimes I’m unaware of
Already spent the money of an imaginary existence
Overcoming the circumstances that I was given
Will be the hardest thing I can think of
Born in a time when everything was all wrong
The world’s been dying, something I inherited not had a hand in
Save it now or all this lost, forget the past and all that belongs
How soon is now is too soon to tell

Been thinking a lot about order and chaos… how they fit together… the symbiotic relationship between the two… where I fit into that… who I am in relations to such a thing… the spinning circle that is life… been weighing on my mind as of late… I feel like there is a story there… a thought I am missing… and so I obsess… over such things… thought I would share where I am right now…

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