Broken Thoughts… Fuck It… Its Your Problem… Okay Maybe Not…

Staring into the mirror
Wondering why not
The blade pressed up against me
Not sure why lately I’m not
Anti-lobotomy
Driven crazy, fucked at the thought
Common sense doesn’t mean shit
Drowning in my own life
Suffocating at the thought
That all of this must keep going on

 

Who put me in charge of anything
God doesn’t have a sense of humor
Fuck off
Gave me my own thing to destroy
Said look
I fucked up but here is your chance
To do the same thing
A running joke, that makes no sense
Drinking to try and forget
What I was even trying to do
Slash the wrists long enough
Something is bound to happen
Parenting not that far off
Smashing my head against a wall
Just makes sense
At this point

Purpose in life to die
Sad fucking state of existence
Fighting it every day
Winning
Where is the balance
When is just keeps fucking coming
Where is the savior we’ve been waiting on

Lost and it is just a thought
A rotting of the fucking brain
All there is
All there ever was
Was you and me
Let me be the first to say
I’m sorry

 

Dodging all the god damn knives
Finding my place in all this shit
Tortured what was your first fucking clue
Do this to myself
Smiling at the thought
What was the point all along
Breathing to breathe
Living because I was told to
Always loved you
But what was the fucking point
God or the devil does it matter?
When nothing has ever mattered
Me and you become one
Fucked yet we keep going on

 

It’s all so pointless…

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No after thought… only this…

Torture me, torture myself
Fuck you
Gave in when I knew
It was all a lie
Made you up inside my head
As real as I want it to be
Choking on a thought
Chewing on glass
Who needs a reason
When there is a why

 

Drowning myself in shit
Smiling all the way down
: )

 

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Apparently inktober is happening… makes sense.. being that it is October… anyway… check out the awesome work… my friend Little Fears is doing… Hope you enjoy… I know I have been… Haunting my dreams… turning them to nightmares… 

Living With The Demon… Living With Life…Say Hello To Yes…

Drinking so you’d understand
Drunk because why the fuck not
Pounding away at nothing that makes sense
Never said I wasn’t dense
Fuck the rhyme scheme if it doesn’t make sense

 

Going to hate everything in the morning
Thought of you excites me
Meaning of life has always been
Shit
A shit box wrapped in shit paper
Flush it down, puke away the pain
Hate to tell you this
But fuck all existence
Fuck the words that leave you
Useless
Words to pass the time
Kill anything just so you’d understand
Choking down the parts of life
That make any sense
It might get dark from here
Please understand, this is only how it is
Suck a dick to understand
Worthless existence wrapped in a shit sandwich
I’m more dead than you could imagine
Hollowed out

Who the fuck are you to say
When you’ve had enough anyway?

Suicidal with a fucking plan
Choking on your ridiculousness
Dead to the world
Useless since this beginning

Would you still love me if
I killed all that you knew
Would you still love me if
I was all that you’ve known?

A hero among the wolves
Worthless, go fuck yourself
If you knew all along

Why does my head have to be so heavy?

A day without words
A singular existence left spent
Wishing
Going crazy but I’ve been all along
Listening to songs
Thinking I’m not the only one
Waiting for a sign, waiting for something
To tell me I’m done…

 

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Got lost in a tangent… a fucking thought… yes this is dark… welcome to my soul… the core of what I believe… what I deny to myself daily… I’m not as worthless as I believe…  I’m worth more than I’d like to admit… Don’t ask a question you are not willing to hear the answer to…. Life is not as pretty as you think…. smile this is what it is… 

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I am the Devil
I’ve always believed I could be

 

I’m drunk enough to not press charges…. 

 

Broken Thoughts… Still Swimming In Need…

Candles burning black and then red
The world wanted more so I gave what they demanded
An army of flesh, an army of broken bones and regret
Can you defeat what is already dead?
The fires rage on, with no one to put them out
Will they ever die?
Candles burning black and then red
Calling out for the devil, in pain
The world was never meant to work this way
Killing all of those people who stand in the way
Making a stand never meant anything
If I had a dream, buried between blood and life

 

Writing is on par with shitting in the dark. Something is happening just don’t know if it is going where it needs to.

 

I don’t know what I did
But I’m sorry
People matter, people bleed
Give you whatever you need
I fucking concede
Scream, hit me, whatever it takes
I can’t stand this trapped feeling inside my head
I don’t know how it got, where it is
I don’t understand why you abandoned me

 

“Nothing is as perfect as we want it to be”…

 

Digging out my eyes
And wondering why
The past defines more than history
Where we’ve been, where we are going
How we die
Time tells more than what to run from
Chaos breeds order, order will drive you insane
A pattern of behavior
No one cared so no one asked why
We kill ourselves
So dragging the lake
Looking for anyone left inside

 

“Destroy yourself if you will. A god doesn’t know when to quit.”

 

My heroes once said
“Who the fuck are you to question why?”
God doesn’t care
“What makes you so god damn special?”
Let this shit burn
Destroy, never question why
Give in, the devil was all there ever was
You are only as good
As all the things you despise
Chasing a dream and wondering why?
Chasing a fucking grave
All the things that make me go insane
Between heaven and hell rests a place
I have to call home

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I realized while I was outside hating myself and the world that I hadn’t done a Broken Thoughts post in a minute… Maybe I will not be remembered for anything I do… maybe all of this will only be remembered by you… but as much as anything… Broken Thoughts… is something that I want to be me… to be mine in this world… I want you to have every one of your dreams… but this is mine… selfish?… maybe… hopefully not… we all need our place… If you write… keep doing it… if you read… keep doing it… if you do both… Thank you… 

Shattered dreams, Shattered thoughts
Who I’ve been all this time…

 

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Early one mornin’ while makin’ the rounds
I took a shot of cocaine and I shot my woman down
I went right home and I went to bed
I stuck that lovin’ .44 beneath my head

Got up next mornin’ and I grabbed that gun
Took a shot of cocaine and away I run
Made a good run but I ran too slow
They overtook me down in Juarez, Mexico
Late in the hot joints takin’ the pills
In walked the sheriff from Jericho Hill
He said Willy Lee your name is not Jack Brown
You’re the dirty heck that shot your woman down

Said yes, oh yes my name is Willy Lee
If you’ve got the warrant just a-read it to me
Shot her down because she made me sore
I thought I was her daddy but she had five more

When I was arrested I was dressed in black
They put me on a train and they took me back
Had no friend for to go my bail
They slapped my dried up carcass in that county jail

Early next mornin’ bout a half past nine
I spied the sheriff coming down the line
Ah, and he coughed as he cleared his throat
He said come on you dirty heck into that district court
Into the courtroom my trial began
Where I was handled by twelve honest men
Just before the jury started out
I saw the little judge commence to look about

In about five minutes in walked the man
Holding the verdict in his right hand
The verdict read murder in the first degree
I hollered Lawdy Lawdy, have a mercy on me
The judge he smiled as he picked up his pen
99 years in the Folsom pen
99 years underneath that ground
I can’t forget the day I shot that bad bitch down
Come on you’ve gotta listen unto me
Lay off that whiskey and let that cocaine be

The late great Johnny Cash… The bold lines are my favorite parts of the song… 

Digging Up The Past… Embarrassing To Say The Least…

Lets take it back… back to before the beginning… before the time… I ever wanted to do this… before it was a dream… when it was something I did… over something I wanted to do… if I cut myself open right now… there is no way any of this would come out… lost thoughts… embarrassment… exposed just for you… why the fuck do I do this to myself?… 

 

Age 13: Digging a Ditch Six Feet Deep

Please Stay

I don’t know what to say
You probably wouldn’t understand anyway
You know I love you so why won’t you stay, stay, stay
Hey, Hey, just stay, stay
Sorry if you don’t like the way I speak to you
I’m sorry but you’re the first person I’ve fallen in love with
And I don’t know what to say to make you happy with me
So please stay don’t go away please stay with me please
Stay with me
I’ll try to make you happy with me if you don’t
Go away so please stay with me I’ll make everything be okay

 

(Editors Note)… I cleaned up a fuck ton of editing  mistakes… your vs you’re… ok vs okay… no vs know… so my grammar has at least gotten better over time… not by much… a lot to unpack here… No fucking idea what this was really about… don’t remember writing this at all… but looking back at this time… this point in my life… where I was… I can guess this was about a girl named Ashley… that’s her real name… no fucking clue what her last name is or was… Also we were never together… because I was too scared….

There is one story about her that I can tell… I hate myself so much… you’re welcome… once on a dare… I called her house… we all lived on base so our numbers were listed if you knew the last name… I remember that I kind of knew her last name… at least what it started with… so I called every number until… haha… Jesus… and asked for Ashley until some one said one second… Who the fuck knows how long that took… time is not a thing when you are that young… I finally get her on the line… I’ve been working over what I would say in my head this whole time… I hear her voice… and I shut down… I stay silent… “Hello?”… “Hello?”… finally I say… “Do you know what we are supposed to do for History Class?”… 

That was one of the classes we shared… she tells me whatever it was… “Did you want to talk about anything else?”… “Nope that was it”… hung up the phone… didn’t say… see you tomorrow… thank you… just put the phone down like a zombie… we didn’t talk much if ever again… of course I saw her everyday until I eventually moved… she even dated a guy that looked a lot like me… over weight and funny… I may have built this next part in my head.. who knows or cares after this much time… but you could tell she was unhappy… it was almost like she was trying to tell me to ask… all I had to do was ask… I didn’t… 

I don’t regret dating some girl I have no idea about… I regret not taking a chance… worst thing she could have said was no… be right here where I am anyway… happy… with a family… telling stories… or I might have been a serial killer… life is about gambling… but if you don’t roll the dice… well nothing is going to happen…  

 

Bonus: Favorite Bands At That Time

  1. Blink- 182
  2. Slipknot
  3. New Found Glory
  4. Mudvayne
  5. Soulfly
  6. Alien Ant Farm
  7. Sum 41
  8. Coal Chamber
  9. Fear Factory
  10. Spineshank

(That’s an official list… an official list of sadness…  haha… you know I was cool as fuck at 13… and that’s okay if you don’t think so… haha… we all area bunch of losers in the end… I couldn’t be more proud… embrace who you are… )

 

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Stay on the line for more embarrassing shit… I’ve dug up… 

 

Self Destruct… One Word At A Time…

Time ticks by without a name or face
What is it that I’m doing in this place
Lost and dying, I have no time to rest
All I want to do is lay down
Pretend that I’m dead
Peace is a word with no meaning
Who can go in such a fashion in theory
Never wanted to be here, never wanted to leave
Now the choice is up to me
Hope is something I once had
Now I have nothing never said I was glad
A feeling I once had
The world wants more than they let on
Taking a piece every day
Forgive me if I have nothing left
Forgive me if I gave it all away
Never knew any better
Thought this was what it was all about
A truth I can not speak
An idea I believe but don’t live
A dream buried deep within me
Straggling an idea
Choking at the thought of it all
Another drink and I will be
To far gone
A place called home
A place I’ve long to become
Lost words in the idea of it all
Meaning more than I’m willing to say
A thought stuck in my throat
Know that I gave it my all
Know that all of this
Has always been for you

 

Becoming immortal has its costs
Some pay in love, most pay in blood
A cost no one wants to afford
Though we can all pay out
An endless thought left out to rot
Lost diary no one cared to read
The times slip away
The words get lost
Yet somehow, some way mean the same
So many voice that don’t care
So many that do
Lost in the commotion
The idea drifts away
Hanging in the air
Waiting for their time
Waiting until the moment is right

 

Painting a picture
Means so much to me
An image buried in my mind
Just like the time I tried to die
A gallery with everything
I’ve been trying to say
Love was, never easy for me
Death makes sense
When you think about it
Giving up was all I ever needed
Wanted more but I never lied
Gave up the will
Gave in to all the things you feel
Emotional despise
Kiss your lips
Caress all that you are
I watched you die
I watched as you gave me everything
Smiled at the thought
Slaughtered all that you are
Choking the thought you could have meant
I thank you
Become you only to understand
I was never anything
Miss your love like I miss the sun
Not at all
Each stroke more than a thought
A line to keep moving on
Sing me a song 
Your voice so sweet 
Choking each note as though
It were my own

 

Tearing apart the world
Each word means something else
Hush your voice as I decide
What to do with you
My hands wrapped around your throat
My pain pushed through each finger tip
Have I told you how much I love you
Enjoying the silence
The solace of your voice
A digging emotion that I’ve tried to hide
Failure at its most definitive definition
I don’t hate you 
As much as I have always loved you
Hammer to a nail left out
Catching my skin against the grain
I’ve bleed for you
What have you done for me?
Sacrifice, never enough
I don’t want to own you
As much as you are mine
Body soul, sacrifice more
Give me what I deserve
A selfishness, a worthlessness
Succumb to all that I’ve told
A fantasy running through my mind
You are mine, you are what I say
As I do it, broken thoughts on nothing at all
Worship God. worship me for what I am
You think you have a choice
The choice was always mine
Know your place in my mind
Know that you’ve always been mine

Naked thoughts
Private moments
That told me
You are what 
I tell you to be
X rated thoughts
A whore amongst
Them all
If I told you
If I begged
What separates you
From my mind
Fantasy played out
Own, become, sacrifice
Shut your dirty mouth
Give me all that you
Will ever be

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Got a little dirty… swimming in the gutter… giving away more than I thought… pain succumbing to a though that doesn’t make any sense…  No one told me to be quite… shut my mouth… and open my eyes… pissing on all that you know… a flood of crimson… a flood of the color yellow… makes no sense… but does the pain ever have to?… a feeling lost among the lost souls… I’d give you all that I know… an empty mind with only one thought on the mind…  a broken vine… that reaches for more than a thought… digs at the soil… digs deep down in side… never satisfied… a thought that will only become… a way of life… swinging at the thought… coming up empty… am answer buried deep within… a life time to understand… a life time given only to become… dead… like the times… a history only meant to be repeated… smile because you’ve always known… you been doing it right… 

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Why I Turned Out The Way I Did

Compound Existence

Everything and everyone wants something
I’m afraid I have nothing left
My contempt is more or less only guilt
There is too much in this world
That requires my intention, attention
Wish for a moment, wish for a second
Everything and everyone was smaller than this
If only I could forget, forgive
If only all the loneliness
Would disappear, into the ether
Into the wind
I fear for the safety, the safety of others
The tranquility of it all
Took over so long ago
Lost in the lonely, lost in the despair
Lost in all of this we hold so dear
This never ending regret of growing old
I’m growing old from all of this
Broken, endless feelings
Forgive to forget, sucking up all the regret
Pray for something more
Though I’ve always known better
Suffering through this compound existence

 

Think About Killing, But In The End You Won’t So You Feel Better

A swarm of locus, a swarm of focus
Insect or man they are all trying to get to us
Biblical times full of biblical lies
Welcome to modern life, something called modern times
Isolation, antisocial, self-inflicted separation
High anxiety, lost my mind
Not sure why it all has to rhyme
Gave up and now it’s your turn
Passing on these emotions to the next generation
Feel it all slip away, what have we learned
Giving a fuck means so much more when it is a lie
Welcome to modern life, some bullshit called modern times
World was so much simpler before online
These are my thoughts, these are my notions
No one gives a fuck about your emotions
More cat videos to consume our lives
No one ever wanted to be who they are
Only what they think they could be
Fuck it, you can have it
Welcome to modern life, some fucked up shit called modern times
Words of a lost generation
Ideals pin together against a make shift wall

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I’ve been really into Punk Rock lately… I hate the title… because every time I hear Punk Rock… I see some hipster fuck screaming it at the top of their lungs… I hate genre titles in general though… titles are fucking stupid… okay they kind of help… but why does something have to be punk?… metal?… rap?… why can’t it all just be music?… I feel the same about writing… I guess I just don’t like to be pigeon holed into one sort of thing… drives me fucking crazy… but I can’t think of a better solution… My life story maybe?… 

So I’ve been listening to a lot of MisfitsAlkaline Trio… dark punk?… fuck, I hate sub genres… short and sweet… that’s what I like about punk… about those bands… get in and get the fuck out… say what needs to be said… move the fuck on… I guess I’m in a “Get some shit off my chest” mood as of late… Normally I listen to a lot of Tool… an unhealthy amount… or so I am told… which is odd… I grew up on a healthy dose of fast… dark… quick songs… I remember when I would not listen to a song… purely based on the length of the song… teenage me was kind of an asshole… : )

Missed a lot of really great music because of that… found it in the end… but I always wonder what did I miss because of the length of a track?… best long song ever?… Dogs… by Pink Floyd… Though to be fair the whole Animals album should be considered one track… fucking genius… My friends in high school tried to get me into Floyd… saw those track lengths and pretend to hear them not speak… who has time to listen to a 17 minute track?… we all do… so take the time… before it is too late… might change your life… give it a chance… we like what we like… just don’t be an asshole about it like I was…

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We Made It Down Here Today… Broken Thoughts All The Same

Heavy handed explanation of nothing at all
A feeling in your heart, a hand around your throat
Broken bodies speaking in tongues
An ancient language only you and I know
Words made of sounds and movements
Killing myself to watch you die
Equality means more than we can understand
Persecution of your heart, of your broken soul
Each thought a loaded weapon against a weak defense
Guilty, charged, walking the winding path
To the hangman’s noose
Together we walk hand in hand
We’ve always known we’d swing together
All that’s left is to not kill each other

 

So I’ve been meaning to ask
I’ve been dying to know
What is it we reap when we sow?

 

I’m scratching and I’m bleeding
I’m wondering if this is what I have always been needing
Hidden deep within my skin
A sin so deep no one can see
Used to love all this pain you put me in
An odd feeling buried in my lungs
I’m scratching and I’m bleeding
I’m digging deeper as if this is what I have always needed
Hidden somewhere within me
A secret so deep no one can see
Used to love all these stupid little things
An odd feeling seeped into my brain
I’m scratching and I’m bleeding
I’m wondering if this has always been me

 

Who the fuck are you to say
You ever thought you’d understand me

 

Stringing together thoughts only to hope you fear them
A frightening time to be me with a shotgun
Too subtle or too direct I’m not sure
The director said to give it some more feeling so here it is
A catalyst of shame and regret
A drug meant to consume more than just your soul
Make you forget all the things you don’t already know
Rambling on about the vanity in your eyes
Too subtle or too direct I’m not sure
Always been a dick in disguise
An asshole buried deep down inside
I’m smiling but I’m so ready to watch you die

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Could someone turn on the light?… got real dark… for no reason why… an endless parade of broken thoughts… had to cut it off somewhere… where to explain… if I should even bother… too subtle or too direct I’m not sure… so unsure about everything… so here it goes… 

Heavy handed explanation of nothing at all (Nervousness about a certain thought… wonder what it could be?… lets find out)
A feeling in your heart, a hand around your throat (Subconscious feeling found in others or one’s self… A want… a need?… everyone is different)
Broken bodies speaking in tongues (Sex)
An ancient language only you and I know (Still sex)
Words made of sounds and movements (Even more sex)
Killing myself to watch you die (Realizing all this relationship has purely physical…)
Equality means more than we can understand (This line just sounds good… haha… the realization that not just the man feels this way… using each other… yet still hurts...)
Persecution of your heart, of your broken soul (Anger or hurt over the last said thought… another version in a sense of how could you do this to me?…)
Each thought a loaded weapon against a weak defense (More fighting)
Guilty, charged, walking the winding path (Coming to a general understanding)
To the hangman’s noose (The Pain is all that we know… wanting it together… death)
Together we walk hand in hand (More sex… haha… no it is about moving on)
We’ve always known we’d swing together (A singular idea about relationships… love at first sight… play on words… a play on the idea… a proving how broken they each really are for each other)
All that’s left is to not kill each other  (let’s get back to that sex again)

This may actually seems like a real life story… or based completely on truth… in truth it isn’t… a few things are… but not enough to say that this based on anyone I know… sometimes I just get lazy… or don’t have enough time to write a story… pretty lame explanation I am sure… though I was in a relationship a long ass time ago… that was similar… based purely on what else were we going to do at the time?… toxic is the only way to describe that relationship… sometimes love seem so real… then you look back and think what the fuck was I doing?… 

To me love seems more of the opposite… you should look back and can’t believe you ever got so lucky… can’t believe you are still with that person… there are and will always be up and down in relationships… friends… family… lovers… but if you can look back and smile?… always a good thing… always something worth fighting for… but what the hell do I know… just another asshole among a crowded toilet… speak your peace… think what you need… live life like it matters… take care of yourself… 

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