Digging Up The Past: Q & A…

It is once again time to play Tell It Like It Is… and for you to find out more about your favorite writer here at Chewing On Glass… part I don’t even know… of a series no one asked for… but I can’t stop now… (If this is your first time… basically I draw three to four random cards with questions on them and I answer them… why?… no one… including me… has the slightest clue…)Now if I can only find the cards…

Question 1: What Is Something That Makes You Feel Sad?

hmm… if I had to only choose one thing… it would be the thought of me not being here… and not watching my daughter grow up… not being there for my daughter as she experiences life is really the saddest thing I can think of… I’m sure anything happening to my daughter would make me sad… something about being human… but not being there to watch her learn how to drive… not being there for the first time she gets her heart broken… not being there to witness her get married to the person she loves… not be there for when she has her own child for the first time… at 55 : ) … not being there when she needs me ever… breaks my heart every time I think of it…

Question 2: How Would You Change The World To Make It Better, If You Had Enough Power?

Who says I don’t have enough power?… I think we all have the power to change the world… little by little each day… the problem is time… we want everything changed now… and history doesn’t work that way… we don’t work that way… we can want all the change in the world… but to actually change anything takes time… which is why I love history and hate it… very aware that was not the question… so what would I change?… you know if I could…

Education comes to mind… but like history… it too takes time to change… what to learn… what we need to learn… I do believe we are very behind on how we learn though… because everything around us is changing at an ever increasing rate… I mean tech we thought was cool not even ten years ago… is basically trash… if we keep up this pace that is… I’d like to see more education about how to live presented in school… not how you should live mind you… but how to live… medical basics… in depth taxes… the stock market… how to make things with your hands… etc… too much of our education is left to this idea… that you will learn as you go… what if you don’t though?…

I feel a lot of our “lost” feelings we carry as humans… is not knowing what else is out there… there is this saying in America and I’m sure everywhere… So and so could cure cancer… there are a lot of variances… which is true… if they are exposed to science… biology… etc… I hate that expression because the real truth is many of us are… fish being screamed at to climb a tree… more time should be spent learning or experiencing what you are good at an earlier age… as opposed to what you are force to be good at for whatever reason… money… options… location… etc…

Now that I have gotten off my high horse… what would I actually change?… long term education… short term… how we handle those of us that need our help… be it mental health… hunger… homelessness or even those of us who have homes barely… our elderly… social justice… I’m not going to go on some long rant about capitalism vs socialism… but this mentality of fuck’em and move on is a negative effect of our society that needs to be fixed… because it is a fine mentality to have when it doesn’t effect you… but the sad truth is that a lot of these issues actually do effect you even if they don’t present themselves to you directly…

The hardest thing any of us can do in this world is ask for help… that goes for each and everyone of us… and maybe I or you can’t help with every problem that is presented to us… but it also doesn’t mean we can’t try our best to do what we can… even if it as simple as lending an ear… that is effort… effort is action… and actions will always speak louder than words… no matter how hard I try to make these words as impactful as I can…

Question 3: What Is Your Favorite Sport And Why Do You Like It?

I used to like American football… because it is war… and like all human’s deep down I like war… except this one is battled out mostly on Sundays… and when it is done… everything round the battle isn’t left in smoldering ash… death and destruction… with that said I no longer watch any sports… or really follow them… just not for me… I get it… but I’m good… everyone has there thing and I happy for those of us who find it in sports…

Question 4: What Gives You “Goose Bumps”?

Anything to do with eye balls or finger nails… never noticed that none of my characters ever have anything happen to either?… and even if I was to include anything about either… the detail would be zero… “His eye was slashed. That’s it. It was slashed and a finger nail broken. Maybe chipped, but mostly broken”… shiver… haha…

Question 5: Describe Your Life At Age 70.

Heroin… lots and lots heroin… lots of any drug really… I’ll be tripping balls… looking for my blue elephant because I forgot where I parked it… me making it to 70 would be a miracle in itself… and I’m going out with a bang… plus at that age a little will go a long fucking way… I’m 70… I’m on a budget… So look out for Crazy Grandpa… the drug fiend writer that was… and if you have my blue elephant… I want it back…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

The Tour That Never Was…

Get Your Memories Back For Something That Never Happend…

Here…

Something Different… Already?… Q & A…

It is time for some of that good old fashion fun… I know… I know… I’m not sure what it means either… but I’m told that it will be… well fun… Let The Ungame BeginFire It Up… don’t actually bring flames any where near this game… because it is mostly paper… if it came with game tokens… or even rules… well we lost those a long time ago… seriously this game is old… not ancient old… but it isn’t getting any younger… The Ungame Begins... Lightning Edition

Question 1: If You Were Told You Only Have One Week To Live… How Would You Spend It?

Without pants… next…

Question 2: What Do You Think Your Friends Say About You When You’re Not Around?

Probably the same things they say to my face… that I’m an asshole… next…

Question 3: Say Something About Policemen

They can be found in many form… one of which is as a woman… this game is super old… borderline ancient… next…

Question 4: If You Could Become Invisible Where Would You Like To Go?

If I told you… what would be the thrill of being invisible?.. everywhere… next…

Question 5: Remember – No Talking Unless It’s Your Turn! Take Another Card.

Literally sitting here in silence… that’s a creepy thought… working hard to earn that “dark” tag…

Question 6: What Would You Do If You Found $1,000 In A Vacant Lot?

Burn it… never hold on to evidence… next…

Question 7: How Do You Feel When Someone Laughs At You?

That being a stand up comedian… could be more than just a fantasy… next…

Question 8: What Is The Most Sentimental Possession That You Have?

My wife… next…

Question 9: What Would You Like To Do To Become Famous?

I decided last month… to make candles… this is just a side gig until it takes off… name one famous candle maker… now I just have to make candles… next…

Question 10: What Is Your Favorite Song?

You can only name one?… like out of all of them in the world?… what kind of bull shit made up question is this?… if there was a customer service number to call right now… Pick one song?… that simple?… why don’t you pick just one song game?… oh that’s right… it’s not your turn so you can’t speak… pick one song… I’ve never been so triggered… offended… confused… emotions… brain is firing on emotions right now… not pick a band and their best song… as if that is a simple task… no… pick a song…

Introducing our new segment… Ambrose’s Favorite Song… just fucking with you… no one has the time… however… let me know what your favorite song is in the comments… and I will tell you if it is good or not… also feel free to answer any of the above questions…

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Now Available…

Bukowski by Modest Mouse… if you know me… you can guess why…


Something Different… Once Again… Q & A…

It is once again time to play Tell It Like It Is… and for you to find out more about your favorite writer here at Chewing On Glass… it goes without saying… which means it has to be said… I also happen to be the best writer that Is That A Funeral? has on their roster… I said it… telling it like it is… enough with the lame intro… lets get into this already… (If this is your first time… basically I draw three to four random cards with questions on them and I answer them… why?… no one… including me… has the slightest clue…)

Question 1: How Do You Look When You Get Angry?

Not really sure how to answer this one… mostly because I can’t see myself… also… it would be beyond frightening… if for some reason… in my free time… I sat around staring into a mirror getting pissed off… I mean because I don’t…

I’ve been told that I look pissed off most of the time… by just about everyone that I know… which presents a whole set of problems when I actually get angry… because no one has a fucking clue… which pisses me off even more… and it is around this time the cops have me pinned to the ground… it is a whole thing… all I’m saying is that I don’t liked to be touched… or when I’m not angry… people like to tell me that I am… or are afraid of me… being afraid of me really isn’t a problem though…

Question 2: If You Had To Move And Could Take Only Three Things With You, What Would You Take?

This question would have been way harder a few years ago… I am assuming when they say move… they mean move from one place around the house to the other… in that case… I need my laptop… my writing folder… and a pen… but my head is not that far up my ass… so the three things I would need if I was moving…

Thing 1… My laptop with my writing folder and a pen strapped to it… (I could have said my writing bag… too late to change the answer now…)

Thing 2… My wife with our child strapped to her back and a change of clothes… (I could have said my family… but I suck at thinking on my feet… (Not really… I’m mostly lazy… and don’t want to press backspace…))

Thing 3… My blanket… because I have some weird unresolved issues from moving way too much as a child… and lets face it I am a little broken… (No side comment for this one… though I guess I could have made my wife carry that as well… not a big enough asshole for that… (then again… I do have my laptop in my hands as well… so maybe I should have her carry it?…))

Question 3: Share A Big Let-Down In Your Life.

Not actually a question game… but feel free to click on any previous post I have written… kindle and paperback editions of my let-downs are also available on Amazon… can’t give them all away for free…

Question 4: What Color Do You Think Of When You Think Of Happiness?

Easy ass day for me… Black… that is the color I think of for happiness… I mean it goes with everything… all my clothes are black… my wife only wears black… (my daughter likes blue… we aren’t really sure she is ours…) my pens are black… my laptop… my file folders… my switch… Umbreon is black… my dogs… if I had a cat… I’m sure most if not all of my soul… trying to think of all the things that make me happy… I should get some black candles… what would that even smell like?… I should make my own candles… and this is how my brain works… brought to you by Tell It Like It Is

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Huffing Glass 101… Something Different…

I’m not qualified to teach anyone anything… to be fair though this isn’t really me teaching anything… honestly this just seemed like a fun idea… I have done it in the past… kind of… so I thought I would give it a try again in a more formal setting… this won’t become a set thing… because again I am not qualified at all… but I thought it could be fun to learn a little bit about the process… Welcome to Huffing Glass 101… today’s lesson will be about Broken Thoughts… where they come from… how it works… and why it doesn’t… lets talk about writing…

Huffing Glass 101

The first part of the process is pretty basic… write some shit down… have some thoughts kicking around in your head… nothing special about this first part… for me though… a thought can be either a poem… a story… or in this case a Broken Thought…

Broken Thoughts was born out of necessity… based on time and place… I tend to have a lot of thoughts kicking in my head during work… right before… on the drive too and from… sitting around… I’m a thinker… I can’t shut the shit off… even when I want too or need too… nothing special about that either… often I find myself with only a few minutes here or there to write something down…

Before I started using my cellphone to capture these moments… I was all about pen and paper… I had a lot less poems in my bag of tricks then… because well… looking for a pen or a piece of paper when you are stocking shelves is rather difficult… also your pockets can only hold so much cardboard before you start to make everything real awkward… people ask a lot of questions when you have pockets full of cardboard and zero intentions of throwing them away… Switching to using my phone has really saved me a lot of time… effort… and overall comfort in my pants… that sounds weird…

But what to do with these tiny moments… sentences that fly by so quick that I barely have enough time to remember where or how they came to me… you could save them… gather them together… and do something with them later… if you are like me though… my writing is a time and place type of process… I often can’t expand on something if the moment has passed… it is no longer raw… and I don’t look at it the same… so my process is an all or nothing approach to writing… it leaves me with a lot of thoughts all broken up… pages upon pages…

Which leads us to how it works for me… I started this website three years ago… I started off with poems… stories… you probably already know this… well I ran out pretty quick… had a lot of cardboard laying around though… not all of it good… great… or in some case anything I am willing to share… Broken Thoughts was born out of again… necessity… after a while I found that I enjoyed it more than just doing poems… or writing out a story… there is something to the basics of it…

I don’t want to compare my Broken Thoughts to a haiku… because they are not anywhere close to the art of such things… but they are very similar in theory and idea… I don’t have any actual rules to my Broken Thoughts… I don’t have any set out intentions of writing any either… I try to just get the thought out… each and everyone of them so I don’t forget…

Sometimes a Broken Thought becomes a poem… or even a story… sometimes it just is what it is… I try not to shy away from anything… because we never know what it will become… losing track here… so I gather them all together… separate them by months… and then move on…

That’s where the website comes in… I print out my Broken Thoughts… come up with a title for the heading… and then I start the dig… as I stated before… I can’t seem to remember or grasp the same head space as before… so the website helps me rewrite them because as I do… I think of new lines… fix old ones… basically I edit until I actually have something… this sometimes changes the point… outcome… or thought all together… here is an example…

Original Thought

Destroying everything was never difficult
Cutting out pieces of me
Every goddamn day
How much of me is even left
Repetition is the key
Replaying these thoughts in my head
Scream them enough and they
Will become true
Enjoy the logic but the theory
Is too goddamn much
Dragging my soul through each day
Swinging at an invisible enemy
Drowning myself with nothing to gain

(Perfectly fine Broken Thought…)

Rewritten Broken Thought

Destroying everything was never difficult
Cutting out pieces of me
Every goddamn day
How much of me is even left
Repetition is the key
Repetition is all I need (new line)
Replaying these thoughts in my head
Scream them enough and they in silence
They will become true
Enjoy the logic but the theory
Is too goddamn much
For one soul to take (new line)
Dragging my soul self through each day
Swinging at an invisible enemy
Drowning myself with nothing to gain
Fucking hero and villain
No longer see the difference

This one ended up being longer… sometimes they are this long and then I cut them down to a whole lot less… this one could have even been a poem if I thought of more lines… but I wasn’t feeling any more lines.. it is a feeling thing for me… I think that is how I am able to separate the dark thoughts from my life… the “darkness”… depression… doesn’t last forever… it comes in waves… so I’m not always down in it…

Which leads to why it doesn’t work… I’m not always depressed… it comes and goes… so sometimes when I am editing… working with… Broken Thoughts… even I am thinking God damn… but that is where the fiction and the truth of my thoughts rub against each other… I thought it at one point… I felt it at some point… but do I feel it now?… maybe… that can be frustrating because instead of having a poem… I have four lines… that I can’t get in the head space of…

The process also doesn’t work because… I have often have a lot of the same lines floating around… the same themes… so I have days of the same concepts written out… I try to condense them to one single post… or spread them out during a cycle… some I have to save for another time… or the books… because I don’t want to dwell on the same things all damn day… nothing special there either…

That’s the process from thought… to cardboard… to the website… and every where in between… if you take anything from this… it would repetition is key… don’t throw anything away… look at it again at another day… and remember nothing worth anything doesn’t come without work… even the most simplest things… come with a lot of steps to get there… keep your head high and follow your dreams… you will get somewhere someday… just remember to enjoy the journey…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Next month we will take a look at how I pull my head out of my own ass… just kidding it never leaves… we might do something on titles… stories… or who the hell knows…

New Stories… Never Before Seen…
New Thoughts… Not Enjoyed…
New Poems… Well to Read…
Get Your Copy Today…

Telling It Like It Is… Q&A…

That’s right it is time once again… to watch me drone on about nothing at all… get to know your favorite Broken Thoughts author… in three to four random questions… Shuffle the deck… let the Ungame begin…

Question 1: What Do You Want Be Doing In Ten Years?

Some sort of swash buckling adventurer… I think in a few years I want to turn this all around… become a pirate of the high seas… make Blackbeard look like nothing at all… there is a lake near by my house… Start there and conquer each one that I can get too… like a gang… but we only live on the water… also instead of selling drugs… killing people… or stealing things… we write books… talk about killing people… and distribute great ideas… really turn the whole idea of a pirate on it’s face… not sure I could get used to saying arrr… but I’m pretty good at adapting… I also suffer from motion sickness… but I think after ten years I could get used to that as well… haha… maybe in ten years I will only write stories about pirates… fuck it… why not?…

Question 2: Complete The Statement: “Words Can’t Describe How I Felt When…”

Words can’t describe how I felt when… I pulled this card…

Words can’t describe how I felt when… I took a shit in the middle of the street…

Words can’t describe how I felt when… I decided I no longer wanted to be a human but a cat…

Words can’t describe how I felt when… I took my first spoonful of maggots into my mouth just to see how it would taste… didn’t taste like you though…

Words can’t describe how I felt when… I discovered all the matted hair in my back yard… Am I werewolf… or do dogs just taste good?…

Words can’t describe how I felt when… I thought about all the things that I saw on that day… the bodies stacked high… towering walls of life set against the back drop of the sun… moaning and begging for it to end… the war was over before it even began… how could we take on something so deadly as this?.. How could we be expected to win against an evil as merciless as these monster?.. With no warning… with no signs… they came for us all…

Never give me a prompt…

Question 3: What Do You Like To Daydream About?

haha… of course I’d pull this one… that I could be someone other than myself… a king… a hit man… a lover… a survivor… a detective… a writer… but most of all… happy…

Question 4: If You Received $5,000 As A Gift- How Would You Spend It?

I feel like when this game came out $5,000 was a lot of money… if someone gave me that much money… I’d take a month off from work and write… spend the rest on a new laptop… or desktop… maybe get some of the props for videos that I want to shoot… get a nicer keyboard… research robotic implants that could help me fly… I really want to fly… basically I’d spend it all on this website and this dream…

Layne Ambrose

Keep the dream alive… taking donations in blood*… sweat*… and tears*… we prefer tears**… trying to stay young… vibrant… and beautiful after all… the spell book calls for any of the three… I am told we can also accept reviews… comments… and interest in any of the products linked below… but where is the fun in that?…

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*Amazon has no conversion chart for these forms of currencies at this time. Worth of such currencies are subject to change given supply and demand. Please filter all fluids before sending. Also allow two to three weeks for processing. Thank you for your patience. Is That A Funeral? Staff

** Please don’t farm your kids for tears… it seems tempting… but there are laws… I don’t want you to get in any sort of trouble… please collect tears responsibly… Layne Ambrose

Shuffle The Deck… Q & A…

Getting to know me a can be quite the chore… believe it or not I’m a pretty quiet person… so unless provoked… I’m not going to say a whole lot… So lets shuffle the deck and learn more about me in three to four questions… Because no one asked… The Ungame has begun…

Question 1: What Do You Think About When You Can’t Fall Asleep?

This question is rather strange to me… I know that it is asking what do I think about if I actually laid down in a bed to fall asleep and couldn’t?.. but I work overnights so… I tend to pass out rather than go… hey I think I am tired… maybe I should lie down and get some good solid sleep… Which makes my broken brain think the question is… When you can’t fall asleep because you need to stay awake… What do you think about… So in the spirit of all of this I will answer both I guess…

What do I think about that puts me to sleep?

This kind of screws me over a lot… some of my best lines… stories… ideas… have been written right as I fall asleep… sometimes I able to snap out of it and try to write the best line that I can remember down… but it still isn’t the same… super excited for brain implants that can record your thoughts… or maybe I shouldn’t be?.. whatever worth the jail time if I could just remember the damn words inside my head… To combat this feeling of lose every night… I tell myself the same story every time I am actively trying to fall asleep…

Which is super private… did you think I was going to tell you my top secret story?.. Honestly it is pretty boring and stupid… It always starts out with the first line… “Some nights were colder than others, but in the dead of winter all nights seems to be the coldest they will ever be.”… Then I just go off from there… about how I live in isolation and need to find a way tomorrow to survive the end of the world by zombie apocalypse… the reason I start off with that line though is that I like to be cold when I sleep… set the tone and drift off to sleep…

What I think about to not fall asleep at work?

This varies quite a bit… I think of how to solve problems at work… I think about how some people at work are total fucking assholes… I think of how to solve a world problem or local problem such as hunger, poverty, or something I have zero control over… but if I could… I also think a lot about the things I will get done when I get home… dinner… and on more occasions than I would like… how sad and worthless I am in this world for not being able to do anything about the things I can’t control and the things I can… how I won’t get any writing done… that all my dreams are bullshit and ten years from now I will be doing the same thing over and over again… because hell is a place on earth… you know fun stuff to keep the mind sharp… these Broken Thoughts basically write themselves at a certain point…

Question 2: What Is Your Favorite Room In Your House? Why?

As always I have two… but it wasn’t always that way… My favorite room is my garage because that is where I write so I spend a lot of time in here… though really I can and do write everywhere… really I just put it together here… which gives it a positive and negative vibe… positive because I’m getting work done… finishing stories and ideas that I have been thinking about for weeks and months… sometimes years… negative because as much as I like writing… trying to be a professional writer really takes the piss out of the enjoyment of writing… now it is work… and I’m lazy… one pass is good enough for me… so what if it doesn’t make any sense?.. haha…

Which leads me to my new favorite room in the house… recently my wife got new outdoor furniture for the sun room… so I like to just sit out there and read for hours… think about life… and wonder why we didn’t do this sooner… so I like that room because there is no pressure to do anything… there is nothing on the walls… there is no TV… and all that I can hear is the squirrels trying to bang one another… pretty peaceful… helps mellow out my chaotic mind… something I never thought I would say I enjoy…

Question 3: If You Could Take Only 3 People With You On a Trip Around The World, Who Would You Take?

Finally an easy question… My wife… my daughter… and my mom… would be the most relaxing trip ever…….

Question 4: What Part Of A Big Parade Would You Like To Be?

Depends on the parade I guess… is a funeral a parade?… what kind of parade would I even be featured in?… this question raises too many other questions to be properly answered at this time… short answer I would not want to be part of any parade and fear that is a parade for my own execution… in which case… front of the god damn line… lets get this over with already…

Layne Amborse
Is
Chewing On Glass

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Broken Thoughts Vol. 1 Between Me and You…

Had A Lot Less To Say… Q & A..

Time for three or four random questions to be answers… no one asked but here we go… Questions provided by the fabulous Ungame… never heard of it?… there might be a reason…

Question 1: What Is Your Best Friend Like?

She is the type of person… that you’d want to hang on a wall… put on display… someone you always want to be there… and when she is not… you can really feel it… deep down in your soul… luckily I have a wall for such things…

Question 2: Finish The Sentence “The Best Thing About Today Is…”

That I’m not the only one using ellipses… too lame… That I didn’t strangle anyone at work… too obvious… That I didn’t have to tell my daughter to pick up her dead things… too illogical… because I checked out as a parent today… That I got to do something I wanted to do today… Just right…

Question 3: If You Could Live Anyplace In The World – Where Would It Be?

Wow… this is a hard one… because I want to live every where… but I will try to limit to… Japan… South Africa… Australia… Antarctica… Sweden… Norway… Finland… South Korea… Madagascar… if I am limited to the United States… then Alaska… Maine… North Dakota… Montana… everywhere I am not basically… haha… someplace cold… isolated… and has a lot of Asian food… I need trees too… In my head I guess…

Question 4: What Do You Like To Do In Your Spare Time?

What the fuck is spare time?… I enjoy a lot of things… I spend most of it writing though… I love doing that… I always enjoy collecting dead things… bird skulls… I need more… Legos… destroying piece of wood or as I like to call them projects… I’d say listening to music… but I do that with everything… reading… whatever my daughter wants me to do… hide and seek… floor is lava… Minecraft… trying to find time to spend with my wife… watching true crime documentaries… I’m pretty boring…

Layne Ambrose

Got out of that one pretty easy… more random questions to come… next month… looking for words?… check the links below…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Felt Right For The Time…

Looking Back Something I Miss…

For those of you who don’t know… now you do… DEVO…

Cannot get enough of this song… amazing video to go with it… perfect…

Haunting… Reznor… Lynch… Enough said…

That opening riff… is all anyone needs… but wait there’s more… #blessed…

So if you ever wondered… that is what I listen too when I write… just those four songs over and over again… haha… actually I listen to a lot of music… maybe I’ll bring this feature back… but for now… it felt right for the time…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

This Seems New? Because It Is…

Like Music?.. Like Poetry?…
Well Have We Got Something For You…
Raw Earth Ink Presents

The Poets Symphony

Something Different… Q & A… 3… Digging Up The Dead…

We are playing The Ungame one last time this cycle… I pick six random ass questions from the stack… and away we go…

Turn 1… If You Were Convinced That Reincarnation Was A Fact, How Would You Like To Come Back?

No real need to convince me of reincarnation… fingers crossed that all of this is to come back once again… who wants to only live one life… from one perspective?… boring… This one is pretty easy for me… I would want to come back as a bird… unsure what bird though… being a penguin would be amazing… gliding through the endless ocean… dodging death at every turn… living in the cold… but I would want the ability to fly high above the earth… or to be able to fly at all…see everything in a way I could never in this life time… go anywhere my body could take me… not have to live in the restraints of a society I was born into…

To me being a bird means freedom… freedom to do whatever it is that you want… being any animal seems to be that way… but knowing life I’m sure that we are all stuck in some sort of cage…

Turn 2… Complete The Statement; “One Thing I Missed During My Childhood Was…”

Hmm… I’d have to say I was pretty lucky… sure maybe I could have used a Dad… didn’t but maybe I could have… could have spent more time with my extended family… didn’t but oh well… I wouldn’t really say I missed anything because it is hard to know what you missed if you didn’t know about it… everything could go one way or another… and I’m pretty content on how my life turned out… if I had to pick something though… I would say the sense of home…

I move around a lot as a child… and even into my young adulthood… which is something that is actually hard to complain about… I’ve seen and lived in place that some people have dreamed of living or seeing… some people have worked their whole lives to be able to do what I had the opportunity to do… so I’m not going to go on some long rant about how I missed all this shit I didn’t know about… but sometimes I get jealous of others… that didn’t go anywhere… that idea that no matter where they go in this world… they can always go home…

That is a pretty strong… comforting feeling… I only have one place out of all the places that I have lived that I consider “home”… and I can never go back to that place… it was a time and place I can never get back too… maybe that is how it is for others and I don’t know… or maybe it isn’t… one of life’s many mysteries…

Turn 3… What Makes You Laugh?

haha… some dark ass shit… my line for comedy is pretty thin… would I laugh at my own mothers death?… maybe… what’s the joke?… I tend to not get so offended by what people say… because people say a lot of shit… an ungodly amount of shit really… and I fit right into that… maybe it is from being ugly… being bullied as a child… but it takes a lot for me to get angry rather than laugh… so much so that I get in “trouble” for just saying whatever in person… I tend to not think about what it is that I am saying… or who I am saying it to… and sometimes… I may or not have crossed a few lines…

Things that make me laugh… murder… serial killers… missed placed words… miss placed actions… new age rappers names… death… life… race… humanity… dogs… cats… fail videos… too much man ass in a movie or show… sex… stupidity… myself… my daughter… people trying to hard… slapstick… comments… and stupid shit… I’ll laugh at anything… and even when I don’t… I tend to laugh at the situation…

Turn 4… If There Is Unnecessary Laughing – Some People Might Be Afraid To Share Their Feelings. Be Aware of the Mood You Create! Take another card.

This made me laugh…

Turn 5… Say Something About Earthquakes.

They can move the earth… How is this even a question?… they just got lazy on a few of these… fun fact… I have been through a few earthquakes… nothing horrific as the ones on the news… but there are places on earth where they just happen… no big deal… lose a picture frame or lamp and move on… those types are actually pretty fun… I rather enjoyed them… the ones where people die?… fuck that… That would not be fun at all…

Turn 6… Do You Ever Feel Lonely? When?

This is two questions… lazy writing… learn the rules of your own game… avoiding the question maybe?… I get lonely because I am human… It doesn’t happen often because I was an only child… so I can feel it… but I move on from it rather quickly in general… The loneliness I feel when I am not around my wife and daughter… is a little hard to move past…

I feel that constantly… right now… even… I want to write and get some work done… but I miss them… wonder what they are doing… what we will do later… I would say that the idea of loneliness has changed a lot for me over time… I wouldn’t call it a learned behavior… I’m sure that I was lonely a lot as a child… but I didn’t know it… so maybe that is why I overcompensate so much as an adult… I’ve been called clinging… haha… yeah me… but for the most part… I love to be alone… It is all I really know… I find so many things to do in this idea of alone… sometimes it can be hurtful but for me it is relaxing…

What?… I think people who are only child’s will understand what I mean… everyone else maybe not so much… so many sides to a coin… I can admit though that the feeling of being a lone is very overwhelming… but so is the idea that there is always someone there… there needs to be a balance… just like with everything in life… in truth though we are never truly a lone… that is one thing I have learned from this life… and this website…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Something Different… Q & A… Nothing Has To Change…

Game 2… We are playing The Ungame once again… Let’s get right into this…

Question 1… If You Could Hang A Motto Or Saying In Every Home In The World, What Would It Be?

These are some long ass questions… maybe it is my fear of speaking in front of people… but if I was playing this game with actual people… I’d have quit on turn 1… This one is easy and hard for me… easy because it comes from the same source and the same song… hard because I don’t know which line I would choose… I can’t even decided which line to tattoo on my body… The two lines tearing me apart are… “Not all martyrs reach divinity but at least you tried,” and “Get off your fucking cross.” Both lines are from the Tool song Eulogy… I have them written on nearly everything… I have “Get off your fucking cross,” written on my keyboard… it helps me write… motivates me… brings me back to reality… reminds me that I’m not fucking special… I’m just me…

and right below where I rest my keyboard I have a piece of tape with the words… “But at least you tried”… Which is actually something I put down during my dark times last year… when I was feeling sorry for myself… feeling like a failure at everything… that line really stuck with me through those dark days… that line helped save me among other things… that line gave me a lot of strength to believe in myself… I will fail… I’m going to fail… I am failing… but at least I fucking tried… what else could I have really wanted out of this day, but a chance?…

Question 2… What Do You Like Most About Yourself?

That I don’t like myself… it allows me to be very critical of myself… allows me to tear myself apart… and not feel bad about it?… I’d say I’m pretty normal in that I don’t like myself… at all really… don’t like my name… don’t like how I think… don’t like what I waste my time doing… if I could tear off my own flesh and slap on a fresh one… I don’t know that I wouldn’t… but at the same time you have to make the best of what you got… so that’s that… if I had to pick a body part though… I’d have to say I have some pretty amazing legs… no one is ever going to see…

I was watching this reality show or documentary when I was younger… what’s the difference anymore?… and there was this guy who was going to get calf implants… because he felt like his legs weren’t the way that they need to be… drama… drama… drama… big reveal… his legs looked basically like mine… except fake… that made me feel pretty good… was still a hundred pounds over weight and ugly… but I had legs someone was willing to pay to get… look for the positive in everything I guess…

Question 3… If You Could Have Been Someone In History, Who Would You Have Been?

You’re look at it… I am history in the flesh… haha… I’m confused by this question actually… am I supposed to pick a person I could have been or am I supposed to pick someone I would have wanted to be?… If I am supposed to pick someone I could have been… then that is stupid… because there is a reason they are part of history… there was something about this person that made them unlike anyone else at the time… in few cases something made them unlike anyone else ever… does that sound crazy?… am I avoiding the question?… is saying Jesus… hitting the nail on the head a little too hard?… : )

Let’s get off that fucking cross for a moment and assume they want me to pick someone in history I would have wanted to have been… how does one make a choice on who they would be… money?… power?… courage?… selflessness?… That is such a hard question to answer… I think I would want to be someone who made a difference in everyone’s lives for the positive… Someone like Martin Luther King Jr… Susan B. Anthony… someone who fought for civil rights… for everyone not just themselves… I think being selfless… is so admiral… should be celebrated more… because we as humans are very selfish… so to be so selfless… to give so much… to care about more than just me… goes against our very nature… I would want to be someone like that… to get in their head and see how they think… see how they see the world… feel how they see the world… even for a day…for a moment… would really be interesting to me…

Question 4… If You Could Change Your Age, What Age Would You Rather Be?

I’m shuffling this cards better next time… way too much reflection for someone who doesn’t even like to look into a mirror… depends… would I just be younger now or would I have to be my younger self?… younger now with all my thoughts and feelings would be ideal for me… though I think my wife and daughter would find it creepy… going back and starting at a different age that I was before would be so shitty… more so if I knew what was already going to happen… through out all the negative shit that happened to me… that I have been through in this life… could you fucking imagine the torment of knowing you had to wait even a year for the internet to become a thing?… holy fucking shit… I’d rip my god damn hair out…

I mean I’d have to actually watch a movie?… and not search Wikipedia to read ahead… I’d have to actually watch a film without knowing the trivia from IMDB?… I could only talk to someone I could find in a phone book and even then I’d have to call 15 Smiths before I got the right one?… Shit I’d have to actually leave my house to do anything?… Anyone born in the last ten years and beyond needs to change how they greet us old timers… “Thank you for your sacrifice”… should be the first words out of their mouths every time they see us… and you are very welcome… (seriously though… how are any of us still alive?)

Question 5… How Would You Describe Peace?

Peace would be… an operating table with an endless supply of bodies… instruments… and time… : )

Question 6… Make A Statement About Beauty.

It’s not what you think it is…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter