Something Different… Q & A… Nothing Has To Change…

Game 2… We are playing The Ungame once again… Let’s get right into this…

Question 1… If You Could Hang A Motto Or Saying In Every Home In The World, What Would It Be?

These are some long ass questions… maybe it is my fear of speaking in front of people… but if I was playing this game with actual people… I’d have quit on turn 1… This one is easy and hard for me… easy because it comes from the same source and the same song… hard because I don’t know which line I would choose… I can’t even decided which line to tattoo on my body… The two lines tearing me apart are… “Not all martyrs reach divinity but at least you tried,” and “Get off your fucking cross.” Both lines are from the Tool song Eulogy… I have them written on nearly everything… I have “Get off your fucking cross,” written on my keyboard… it helps me write… motivates me… brings me back to reality… reminds me that I’m not fucking special… I’m just me…

and right below where I rest my keyboard I have a piece of tape with the words… “But at least you tried”… Which is actually something I put down during my dark times last year… when I was feeling sorry for myself… feeling like a failure at everything… that line really stuck with me through those dark days… that line helped save me among other things… that line gave me a lot of strength to believe in myself… I will fail… I’m going to fail… I am failing… but at least I fucking tried… what else could I have really wanted out of this day, but a chance?…

Question 2… What Do You Like Most About Yourself?

That I don’t like myself… it allows me to be very critical of myself… allows me to tear myself apart… and not feel bad about it?… I’d say I’m pretty normal in that I don’t like myself… at all really… don’t like my name… don’t like how I think… don’t like what I waste my time doing… if I could tear off my own flesh and slap on a fresh one… I don’t know that I wouldn’t… but at the same time you have to make the best of what you got… so that’s that… if I had to pick a body part though… I’d have to say I have some pretty amazing legs… no one is ever going to see…

I was watching this reality show or documentary when I was younger… what’s the difference anymore?… and there was this guy who was going to get calf implants… because he felt like his legs weren’t the way that they need to be… drama… drama… drama… big reveal… his legs looked basically like mine… except fake… that made me feel pretty good… was still a hundred pounds over weight and ugly… but I had legs someone was willing to pay to get… look for the positive in everything I guess…

Question 3… If You Could Have Been Someone In History, Who Would You Have Been?

You’re look at it… I am history in the flesh… haha… I’m confused by this question actually… am I supposed to pick a person I could have been or am I supposed to pick someone I would have wanted to be?… If I am supposed to pick someone I could have been… then that is stupid… because there is a reason they are part of history… there was something about this person that made them unlike anyone else at the time… in few cases something made them unlike anyone else ever… does that sound crazy?… am I avoiding the question?… is saying Jesus… hitting the nail on the head a little too hard?… : )

Let’s get off that fucking cross for a moment and assume they want me to pick someone in history I would have wanted to have been… how does one make a choice on who they would be… money?… power?… courage?… selflessness?… That is such a hard question to answer… I think I would want to be someone who made a difference in everyone’s lives for the positive… Someone like Martin Luther King Jr… Susan B. Anthony… someone who fought for civil rights… for everyone not just themselves… I think being selfless… is so admiral… should be celebrated more… because we as humans are very selfish… so to be so selfless… to give so much… to care about more than just me… goes against our very nature… I would want to be someone like that… to get in their head and see how they think… see how they see the world… feel how they see the world… even for a day…for a moment… would really be interesting to me…

Question 4… If You Could Change Your Age, What Age Would You Rather Be?

I’m shuffling this cards better next time… way too much reflection for someone who doesn’t even like to look into a mirror… depends… would I just be younger now or would I have to be my younger self?… younger now with all my thoughts and feelings would be ideal for me… though I think my wife and daughter would find it creepy… going back and starting at a different age that I was before would be so shitty… more so if I knew what was already going to happen… through out all the negative shit that happened to me… that I have been through in this life… could you fucking imagine the torment of knowing you had to wait even a year for the internet to become a thing?… holy fucking shit… I’d rip my god damn hair out…

I mean I’d have to actually watch a movie?… and not search Wikipedia to read ahead… I’d have to actually watch a film without knowing the trivia from IMDB?… I could only talk to someone I could find in a phone book and even then I’d have to call 15 Smiths before I got the right one?… Shit I’d have to actually leave my house to do anything?… Anyone born in the last ten years and beyond needs to change how they greet us old timers… “Thank you for your sacrifice”… should be the first words out of their mouths every time they see us… and you are very welcome… (seriously though… how are any of us still alive?)

Question 5… How Would You Describe Peace?

Peace would be… an operating table with an endless supply of bodies… instruments… and time… : )

Question 6… Make A Statement About Beauty.

It’s not what you think it is…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Something Different… Q & A… We Dance Once More…

So if you don’t remember I used to do this for a second… it has been a long ass time since the last one so I’m not going to link it to this one… sorry… not really… haha… the point of these type of posts is to have fun… learn a little bit about me… and you… feel free to answer the questions in the comments if you want… or make fun of mine…

The basic idea is that I answer questions from an old ass game… The Ungame… I found at a Goodwill… well that is it really… so it is clear… I am drawing these cards at random… let’s get going…

like I said… old ass game… good luck finding a copy…

Turn 1… What Would You Do If You Had A “Magic Wand”?

Created a magic lamp… rub it… get three wishes… Make Hogwarts a real thing… go back to school with my “Magic Wand”… major in Defense Against the Dark Arts… too easy… Also I love how magic wand is in quotes… as if it was someone else’s idea… “Fine Carol we will add Magic Wand, but I just want to make it clear that this game has nothing to do with Satan. We simply heard of this so called magic wand.”

Turn 2… If You Were Lost In The Woods And It Got Dark, What Would You Do?

Who said I was lost?… The first thing you should ask yourself is how did you end up in these woods to begin with?… Did I drag you here?… Was it through a portal in the game?… Why am I holding this knife?… Have you always look as though you were carved to pieces?… probably best to not go into the woods with me… : )

Turn 3… If You Were A Doctor, What Ailment Would You Like To Cure?

This is a tough one for me… without hesitation I would say depression… that is what I would cure if I could… but… there is always a but… I don’t know if I would… I am torn… full of hesitation… I can think of so many people in my day to day life that I could help… and countless others around the world that could be helped from my answer… but in the same breath… I know of so many things in my life that I love and that I live for that wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for depression… My favorite books… my favorite music… my favorite films… the idea that we could lose so much art… is depressing in itself… then again I have seen depression destroy so many things that I love and live for as well… which is also depressing in itself… sometimes simply wishing something away isn’t so simple…

So if I could cure anything with a worry free answer… I guess I would cure addiction… getting rid of depression would help a lot of people… if we could cure addiction safely and make it stop forever… I think we could save and help everyone… I think it would even help other ailments like depression to a certain extent… it wouldn’t cure it… but even just a little bit of help goes a long way… I know it could help me a lot… though I wonder if more people would try certain things because they know that they could get “clean” at any point?…

This question is an education on how my brain works… I do this with everything in my life… Should I do the laundry? yes I should… but if I don’t I could do this… I can see how doing the laundry and not doing the laundry could help a lot of people…

Turn 4… Are You Remembering To Keep Your Answers Brief? Take another card !

Yes?…

Turn 5… What Bit Of Advice Would You Give A Young Man About To Get Married?

Young man?… I may be too hypersensitive… because of where I live and the period of time we are living… but does this question feel a little sexist?… I guess I will answer this question… though it goes against my moral code…

If I was going to give anyone advice on marriage… I would say to never lose communication… never forget that it is you and this other person against the world… not the world against each other… and the world is always coming… will you always agree?… haha… that would be something wouldn’t it?… doesn’t matter… if you agree on every little thing… what matters is that the other person knows you have their back no matter what… good or bad… that is the hard part… because it is so easy to say anything with nothing going on… but when the shit hits the fan… when one of you or both of you fucks up… because you will… we are all human… are you, can you stand up with them no matter what?…

I think marriage is an institution… it means something different to the people involved… as it should… because it is about the two of you not everyone else… to me marriage isn’t important… and it is… I didn’t need to marry my wife… if we weren’t married… I’d feel the same way about her… which is why I got married?… or married to her… I don’t know… what I do know is I found the person I wanted to take the world on with… the person I love no matter what… nothing is perfect or easy… life happens… shit happens… but through it all… that feeling… that idea… has never changed… so my advice is that if you aren’t willing to stand next to this person as they burn at the stake… shielding them from the flames… then you aren’t willing to stand next to them ever… (yes… advice to means a long rant… best not to ask advice from me unless you got time…)

Turn 6… Give One Word To Describe Each Person In The Group.

asshole… haha…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Broken Thoughts… Turning My Head To The Side…

Breaking down the barrier
Between then and now
Forever lost in your thoughts
How it is, how it should be
Like suffering where you sit
Here we are trapped in all this shit
An endless cycle
Without a defined beginning
Like suffering as you breathe
Struggling through every breath
Here I am waiting on your sin

Broken wings too bent to fly…

Your words hurt me
I won’t admit this truth
Face to face
The truth burns deep inside my head
An insect among the dead
Feared and never respected
Bring the truth of the world to light
Eating all that you dispose
In the darkness I grow

Scattered across the floor of my mind…

Apocalypse Dawn
Burning scars across the face of it all
The embers burn into a blaze of thought
Screaming words to prove I’m sane
The poison long injected into the vain
Been longing to die with them all along
Just didn’t know it had to be so soon
As quickly as now
Trading everything to not fit in
The transactions leaving tracks across the skin
Selling parts of me to prove I’m not them
Antisocial and got it wrong
Suffering alone for no reason at all
Just didn’t know that it had to make no sense
Not even now
A confusing time to figure it all out
At the apocalypse dawn

Wait that last one isn’t a Broken Thought… it is a poem… yeah well shit changes… Originally only had the title… Apocalypse Dawn… which is why I wrote every line to “As quickly as now“… in the first place… should have been the end of the thought… as it was when I wrote it months ago… but on second pass today… I thought that it was way to violent for no reason at all…

I’m not one to shy away from violence… being vulgar… but even I have a change of heart… when there is no reason for it… So I started fucking around with it and came up with the rest… turned it from a violent world ending thought… to being about growing old… retrospective today?… maybe…

While messing around I wrote three other lines that I took out… they were good… but I only wanted the idea of what they said rather than the actual words themselves…

A fashion statement with no reason
Just go back to the beginning
To see where this began

Maybe I will use them later for something else… or they will get buried in my notes… but without context they are very vague… the first line here is about trends and all the things we do to be “different”… something I am very guilty of… not a bad thing… but as we grow older… as we out grow the trend of the time… popular or not… we may still keep some of things we did as children… but mostly we shed all that we can to fit in to society in the end… All the kids are like fuck that this is me for life… and all of us “old people” are having flashbacks earlier times…

Need examples?… why the fuck not… my thoughts are on display anyway… Growing up I was Punk as fuck… you know like everyone else… I was rebellious to a point… I had crazy hair… basically my bangs grown all the way to the center of my chest and the rest of my head shaved… dyed black of course… finger nails painted… very Misfits… blended with what I also loved at the time… pop punk… lip ring… long shorts… skater shoes… I also had to have black bracelets… the rubbery jelly kind… because Joey Jordison from Slipknot had them… so I had to have them too… I was a mix of fashions… because I was so “different” then everyone else…

I carried these rebellious choices for a long ass time… It was me and was always going to be me… let me tell you kids don’t even know… hit that first job… lost half of myself in an instant… lip ring had to come out (I kept this for awhile… had to take it out when I got to work… but when all you do is work… it became too much of a pain in the ass to take out every day)… nails must be clean… and absolutely no bracelets… I fought some of these rules… I had changed my hair by then… you know because Davey Havok from AFI had a full head of long black hair… so I needed that too… but for the most part it was fit in or starve…

Sell out?… maybe… but somethings aren’t worth fighting for… growing older you learn the difference… for me fashion didn’t define me for me… my thoughts… my words… the music I like… those define me… and can’t be taken away… Lost track of where I was going with this… but shit changes whether you want it to… think it won’t… or believe in your heart of hearts that it can’t?.. unless you are rich… then you can shit from the roof tops with no regrets… fitting in has such a dirty taste…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Almost forgot… a thought… Apocalypse Dawn… Would make such an awesome band name… yeah sometimes the thoughts are as simple as that… and everything else just leaks out…

Right Now… And Five Minutes After… Okay Maybe Longer…

On My Desk Right Now

  1. Reciprocating Saw
  2. Mix of ash and saw dust
  3. Stacks of papers
  4. Ash Tray (Don’t smoke…)
  5. Lego building
  6. Pens and pencils
  7. Lemonade (The drink… not the person or Sprite)
  8. Speaker (Playing Feel Good Hit of the Summer by Queens of the Stone Age…)
  9. My head (Wondering… “what the fuck am I even doing?”..)

Answering a text. “Odd because so are we”… Context important only to me.

Looking over the papers. “What do I even want to do?… Write a story?… Broken Thoughts?… a poem or two?… Stare at the screen some more?… Puts head back on desk.

Daughter walks in the room. Screams at me about Ads on her knock off Minecraft game… “Fix it.” Too broke to buy the real thing… she is too young to even know how to use it… or so I think… deflects with… “I’m working”… Feeling like a shitty parent… the feeling will pass… Puts head back on desk.

Picks up lighter. (Seriously don’t smoke…) Lid catches on fire. (Too much fuel in the Zippo… Might be mentally challenged… stressing might…) Closes lid on lighter. Stares at the screen.

Thoughts in my head. I know that they are there… Big ass spider crawls across my desk. (Not Face Hugger Big… but big enough to notice…) “Do I kill it or let it live?”… try to kill it… it is too fast… lost it in the papers… no idea where it went… “Great”… Puts head back on the desk.

More texts. “Did you do what I asked?” No… feel like a shitty husband… the feeling will pass… Respond back. “I’m working”… Stares at the screen.

Instructions. Insert logo image. Insert links. Think of tags. Settle for what you already know. Schedule post. Put head back on the desk and think of something to say. Make something up if you have to.

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Sober writing is for people… who have something to say…

Let’s Keep This Party Going…

More music to shake your ass too… let’s get a little weird with this one… Same rules as last time… what comes up… comes up… : )

Queens of the Stone Age

This is about sex…. had no idea… because I’m Sick… Sick… Sick… Hack up a body and I’m like okay… talk about sex… and I’m like hold the phone… haha… yeah I’m very American… it sickens me… brings a tear… because I didn’t even grow up in America… That’s how deep these cuts lie… Crazy how much culture effects you each and every day… Oh… and I love this song…

Die Antwoord…

Speaking of… Zef all god damn day… So I don’t know if you know… but all this started and ends with music… That’s all I wanted to be… that’s what I failed at… writing is cool… I love it… but I settle for it… because the truth is… I want to be the greatest drummer of all time… that’s real… Music is my life… everything else is what it is… sadly I was born without any talent… I try… I dabble… I dream… but sadly Broken Thoughts is all I be… life if you ask me… but If I was who I wanted to be?… Fuck… I’d be the Zef American filling your head with sick ass beats… point is we all fail… embrace what is left… Broken Thoughts and all..

True Loves

This one… I find out who they were after I saw a Modest Mouse concert… (My favorite band…) to be honest I am not familiar with them at all… but I like this song… I saw some of the members open for Mouse…. It wasn’t bad… better than I could do… but not for me… I liked this though…

Machine Gun Kelly

Haha… I hated this song… but… in the end I became hooked for dumb ass reasons… MGK... isn’t my kind of shit… but I shit you not… he looks like my brother in law… He is homeless but he chose that for himself… so don’t feel bad… I don’t… asshole is living better than most people… but I still had to be like is that him?… haha… because that’s the dice life would roll for him… American all day… throw up in my mouth… still doesn’t explain everything going on over here… Capitalism details so many things that I don’t understand… basically I got hooked on this song… that’s it…

Die Antwoord….

Full circle… I ran out of songs… My daughter requested this song… that’s how much they have taken over my life… even my daughter knows what is up… This song is crazy… and long… My daughter is dancing to this song right now… between tapping out the beat… Life is crazy here… best line… pick one… this song has many… I may not have been the greatest drummer… but there is still hope for her… pushing music on to her… like I am to you… I am a dad after all… : )

Well… I had fun… hopefully you did too… music is life…

Music Time… Special Report…

I am listening to music… and you aren’t here with me… so we are going to go with whatever Spotify plays me and I don’t skip… let’s begin… (Warning this might get weird… Should be fun though…)… putting links in the captions… in case the video doesn’t load… I got you…

Not even going to comment… a fucking master piece… shit… : )… Pixies
Seether…. shh… Lemons… I can see the irony… : ) and no… that’s not why…

This song is long… fun fact… I don’t like long songs… who the fuck has the time?… I grew up punk… two minutes is pushing the limits for me… but now I am old… I make exceptions… mostly for Tool and Pink Floyd... but every one else?… let’s dial it down… boil it down to two minutes… if I’m really feeling it… I can always repeat… and I will… (Totally fucking around here… do what your heart tells you to do… maybe I listen… maybe I don’t… but who the fuck am I?..)

Misfits

Does this really need a comment?… I got into The Misfits… when downloading music was cool… maybe it still is… I don’t know… I’m not cool any more… Why bring this up?… well back then you downloaded any and everything from who ever you were into… as a circumstance… the name of the song could have been wrong… could have been whatever… but what I liked about The Misfits was that it didn’t matter… you could guess the title without trying… I played a game with my ex proving this point… because it really is that easy… May be why I love titles so much… and spend a lot of time on them… oh and the music is amazing… Did I base most of my post teen existence on them?… fuck you for asking… : ) Honestly who hasn’t?… a much better question… if you are into horror you already know them… and if you aren’t?… you are welcome…

Pantera… the drums… that’s it… all you need… Thunder from the fucking Gods… R.I.P. Vinnie Paul…
Childish Gambino

Okay… maybe I’m kind of cool… I’m hip… haha… Always liked him as an actor…. Mystery Team… all day… a rapper though?… then I heard this… first and only thought… he acts too?… god damn… That beat infected me for a straight year… just hit repeat again… relapsing hard…

Peter Gabriel

Losing all street cred on this one… but fuck a duck… shit in my heart… tear me down… I’d blast this shit louder than anything I’ve chosen so far… Say Anything all god damn day… this song pulls at my heart strings… love that guitar… that voice… fuck you if it doesn’t make you feel something… that’s how serious about how much this song effects me… So good… and I don’t know why…

That’s what I am doing… hope you enjoyed this special post… I had fun at least… listen to music… it will set you free…

Little Fears Is Chewing On Glass…

Or is Chewing On Glass looking at Little Fears?… Either way… we have done it again… Honestly I think this one is pretty good… could be our best collaboration so far… So send some love over to Little Fears aka Peter… and enjoy… (I wrote this before it was out so if you are reading this after 3/3/19… You are just enjoying… Little Fears…)

Okay… now that you have checked it out… you did check it out?… I can talk a little bit about the original project… The piece that you just read… is from a project I have been trying to get off the ground for a while… okay… it was an idea I had that I wrote a two page treatment for and meant to come back to… shit that was probably… seven years ago…

Time fucking flies by… almost two years ago… I offered it to Peter… we are a both a little consumed with our projects… to be honest though… I pitched the comic, Is That A Funeral, to him in our second email… maybe our first correspondence… haha… I was a bit excited to work with him… I’ve been meaning to pitch it to him again… but I left it in the idea bin and kind of forgot about it… then Peter sent me an email about doing another project… hyped… I knew this was the time to actually do it…

In reality though the part of Is That A Funeral that you read is more of a second or third… idea for the project… turns out that the two page treatment was just that… a treatment… so I rewrote the best version I could based on how I wanted it to be seven years ago… hopefully you enjoyed it… I enjoyed working on it with Peter… but he is always a pleasure to work with… so that part wasn’t difficult… and yes… my publishing company is also called Is That A Funeral?… I named the comic after it… seemed fitting…

New logo for Broken Thoughts?… Let me know…