I Don’t Want to Go to Sleep… If This All I Have To Say…

Taking the Wrong Stairs Down

The hurt feels like it will never end
Chain smoking the pain from my head
Got it wrong, but then isn’t it always in the end
Chained myself to a dead weight
Now I’m sinking
Thinking what is that I really need
Air?

The hurt feels like it has been going on for a while
Staring down all the suicidal thoughts from my head
Got it wrong, but then its been that way for a while
Starving myself to a dead weight
Thinking what is it that I really need
Food?

The hurt feels like it has gone on too long
Walling off all traces from my head
Got it wrong, but then isn’t that long enough
Unchained myself to a dead weight
Now I’m confusing
Thinking what is it that I really need
You?

 

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Of course I would return to the warm weather in Texas after a month away in the cold… and get sick… powering through it though… So if this week is all scattered and makes no sense… it’s the sickness… (rolls eyes)… 

Fun highlights of my life right now…

I gave up soda… in a second step to cut out caffeine from my daily life… I feel like punching someone in the throat… so it’s going well… haha… the biggest differences I’ve noticed so far… besides my irritability to anyone who speaks to me… not a whole lot… I’m at that point in my withdraw… where quitting makes no sense… I wasn’t dead before… I was happy… I was a fun person to be around… It made me feel better… I think it is called denial… I’d ask someone… but then I might punch them in the throat… 

I started playing bass guitar again after a sixteen year absence… I’m as awful at it as you are imagining… it’s awesome… bass guitar was the first instrument I got as a kid… I wanted drums… every parents nightmare… my mom talked me into a bass guitar…  I only agreed because Mark Hoppus from Blink-182 was cool… so why not… less than a year later I was begging for drums again… which I eventually got… I played drums through out high school… I just realized there was no point to this story… haha… yeah I need more sleep… 

 

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Broken Thoughts… Just Got To Move On… Best Of Luck…

Driven under, fighting for a breath
I’m drowning and I don’t know what for
A prayer for the sinner
Living in your sin
Useless words laid down on paper
Talking to myself, preaching to the stupid
Driven under, holding myself down
I know the problem and I have no solution
A prayer for the sinner
Living with this sin
I’m killing myself and I don’t know what for
Has it really always been for you?

 

The world is shit
Deal with it

 

Getting lost in the words
Getting lost in the why
Wandering, don’t have to go far
To find reasons to die
Worlds full of them
Reasons to live, they are hard to find
Hope you like a mystery
What is it that I’m thinking about today
A puzzle, getting caught up in all of this
Getting lost in the words
Getting lost in the why
Same place I was before

 

Drinking harder than I’d like to admit
Catching up to the darkness inside
A piece of me I’d love to hide, on display

 

Standing next to a burning dumpster fire
Called it my heart once now it’s only filled with shit
Thoughts of you, me, how it should be
Fucking lies I’ve told myself to get by
And now I’ve told you everything
Everything to make you stay
The ship already set sail
Waving to me from the shore
You smile but I know what it means
Saying good bye was always the hardest part for me

 

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Well that was a depressing post… afraid the next few will be much of the same… I haven’t written much of anything… if at all in the last month… and everything before that… well it was pretty dark… dark as it gets I would say… Maybe I’ll drain my soul… maybe I’ll just hold onto all the hurt… chewing on the glass that has been my pain as of lately… taking it slow because for the first time in a long time… I don’t really know… what it is that I’m trying to say… 

 

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That Last Awkward Clap at the End of An Applause

Hanging Me By The Knees

Too broken to process any new thoughts
Need to move out and build an ark
A sign from God came in
It said a paragraph worth of shit
Basically I fucked this up a long time ago
Riding this one out until the end
Maybe, maybe if I’m lucky
They will only hang me by the knees
Using my head as a pinata full of disease
Question then becomes
Would I even know the difference?
The answer seems so obvious because it is
What anyone would give to not feel like me
What I’d do to not be me doesn’t seem all that bad
Another sign from God came in today
Said quit your bitching and do something already
Obviously I’m paraphrasing

 

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Still bumming around… working on things here and there… spending time with family… working at my other job… boring stuff… up to my neck in a Zelda addiction I didn’t know I had… Breath of the Wild is really good… okay it is great… and yes… I am a year behind all the praise and hype… basically I’m that last awkward clap at the end of an applause… should have been the title of this post… and now it is… 

Hope all is well…

Ambrose

(Click the links for more information… See what I did there?…)

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Dictating An Existence That Doesn’t Exist… Call It Life…

Holiday In The Unknown

Waiting for your words
Waiting for anything
I’ve become bored
Staring at a wall isn’t for me
Thoughts come seeping back in

How I wish I was dead
That life is meaningless

They don’t mean much said only once
Over and over until they won’t leave my head?

How I wish I was dead
That life is meaningless

Distracted for a time
Thought the thoughts had left
I’ve always been wrong
This only proves it
Suffocating under the weight
Of a feeling I can’t escape

How I wish I was dead
That life is meaningless

Reminding me how not to forget
Over and over again

How I wish I was dead
That life is meaningless

Waiting for your words
Waiting for anything
I’ve become bored
Don’t think I’ll ever change
Thoughts never left me
Only distracted for a time

Reading all that they have to say
How I wish I was dead
This life is so meaningless

 

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Normally I do two poems in the same post… but this one was so sad and dark… I couldn’t find a companion poem that didn’t cheapen this one… This one is pretty personal… not really something I want to talk about… demons I battle in silence… demons I’m distracted from for the time being… a normal feeling?… no… has it become normal?… sadly yes…

I can’t stress enough that I am doing a lot better… perfect?… no… but that is life… I am fighting the want to express what this poem means to me… and I’m not going to because… this poem needs to be about what you want it to be… just know that there is help out there… know that people care… it may seem like the right thing to do… the easy thing… but as with everything in life it only seems that way because you are so close… try taking a step back… see the bigger perspective of this thing called life… we all have our place… have to be here though to find it… 

 

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Thank you for the support…

Beacasue… I Don’t Want To Know… For Fun…

 

 

 

 

 

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All mixed up… but please… did you really expect anything else?... out of these which is your favorite?… no judgement… (Shh.. Dirt Room… please come on… you know me better by now…)

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Broken Thoughts…Now A Word From Our Sponsors…

Have you ever wanted to fly?… Needed super strength to lift a car off a cockroach?… How about run a mile in less than a second while being chased by some sort of super natural being that only exists in your head?*… Well we here at Chewing On Glass have an exciting product for just you and all your super human needs… and we are happy to announce that it can only be found here… if you are one of the first 100 people to order… We will personally double your order… That’s right you heard it here… Two for one.. But only if you are one of the lucky first 100**… Do you have what it takes to go to the next level?…

But first… sick and twisted messages from my mind***… Find out more about this exciting offer at the bottom of the page… Grip it and rip it as we always say****

*Warning. There is no product on earth that can make you do any of these things. The Author is selling nothing but lies. 
** There is no special deal. The author is beyond broke and could not support these claims even if he really, really wanted to. So don’t be fooled by his stupidity. Also don’t brag about how much smarter you are than him. Dick move. 
*** We are unsure if he even has a brain. Let alone a mind. We check for a pulse but to be honest we don’t care that much either. As along as the content comes in. We don’t have to shock him with the cattle prod again. 
**** We’ve never said this.

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Five hours of sleep in two days
Sure I still feel sane

It’s the sleep that would drive me insane
A broken down soul with everything still left to say
Think of the words only for them to go away
Laughing at all the ways this is killing me
One day we will all receive our day of reckoning
A day many of us hope and pray
A peace we’ve been searching for
A goal all the same
Six days later it’s the same beat driving me insane
A thoughtless sound repeated over and over
Eating away at my brain
The music moved me once
Now only a soundtrack to my broken thoughts
Zero words in my head with everything left
To say

 

You couldn’t be a bigger asshole even if you were doing thirty in the passing lane… : )

 

I’ve been living on borrowed time
Didn’t know it until it was true
Death couldn’t come swifter
I’ve known all along
Lied to everyone I knew
Told them I was fine
Dying inside is a solitary burden
Locked in my head with nothing left
Did what I could and this is all that it was
A lifetime spent wondering why
A life wasted on borrowed time

 

Your consumerism is not your freedom

 

Showed up early once again
At this point hard to dispute
That I don’t like it
A death, a life I hold in my hand
Giving anything to not be here
Giving nothing to leave
A contradiction I live every day
Showing up early only feels like a sign
To a lie I don’t want to believe
Broken and no one can help me
Break down waiting to happen
Severed and whole
What is more
I do not know

 

It’s a lot easier to kneel than it is to fall…

 

Walking a straight line
Until my feet crack and bleed
Not enough distance between us
Not enough room on earth
To complement all this hurt

 

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Where does the mind go?… if it goes no where at all?… a crossroads of thoughts… feelings… the mind is a very terrible thing to taste… even more to waste… here I sit over dosing on all the pain… I want an escape… but escaping me is going to be much harder to sustain… smiling all the same… my mind a death trap inside a broken body… I hate… I love… I am only me… live one way… believe another… turns out I’m only human… until I found this amazing product… now I’m just an asshole with an over sized smile… Click the links to learn more*…  Tis the season to sell your soul… spread the word… 

*Nothing in these links will do anything for you. Maybe make you smile but really it is only one demented asshole trying to raise funds to keep all of this going. Support the arts this holiday season. Even if it isn’t this asshole. A review, a like, a comment goes a long ways. It seems small, but every little bit helps. We are all trying to do our thing and we all appreciate you every day. Have a happy Holiday season. Whatever you believe, whatever you celebrate. Enjoy it. Tis the season to enjoy. One world and we are all here for each other. : ) (This has been Layne the whole time… I’m crazy… haha… hugs and kisses from the underground…)

 

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Broken Thoughts… Every Where I Go…

Spitting blood, where is it that it comes from
Dying to figure out love
Missed the sun rise one last time
How is it that I’m not dead?
Spending time, where is it that I’ve gone
Fighting to understand pain
Lost track of the absent days
How is it that I’m even alive?

 

People are often hurtful before they say what they mean

 

Dragging myself through hell once again
Your unholy eyes staring me down
How long can we play this game
How long can we live in sin
Testing the limits every day
Your serrated grin made of lies and deceit
No one ever said this was it
But we both know this is all there will ever be

 

I love you but some days I just want to hold your head under water and pray for more rain.

 

Taking the long way home
Stuck between doing it and not
Ripping out my eyes
Tearing out my heart
Drink the blood to understand why
A shit taste of everything I’ve hidden
Fuck it
Destroy it
Who the fuck cares anymore
Pulling out my hair
Renting out my soul
Eat what’s left of me
A shit taste and a mouth full of lies
Take my hand and I’ll lead you to
A place called home

 

“I want to be buried in this jacket so it can keep me warm in hell”… It is a pretty amazing jacket… just saying… 

 

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I don’t have much to say… but I found this when reviewing my notes… 

The amount of fucking walking is ridiculous…

 

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(This wouldn’t center…)