A place I once knew A thought I thought Understood by only me This is for everything you’ve done Everything you’ve become A nightmare I once knew A thought I thought Understood by no one This is for everything you’ve written Everything you’ve become A heart I once knew A thought that over takes me Understood you’d understand This is everything you’ve meant to me Everything I thought you were Take the breath right out of me Took the words out of my soul Taken everything I used to be
Does any of it matter?
A break between the waves Air, water, food the rest is pointless Conditioned to believe I’m doing the right thing Sacrifice, suffer, endure only a symptom A schism from underground Realizing now the end was never the point The present was always the tomb
If none of it ever did?
The devil’s making her way inside Her cape draped, drips with crimson The genius that it is A flashing image of imagination A reality stuck in my head Why is it we question anything that is said? Why is it we want to be lead so blindly? God told me once, said some shit about shutting the fuck up The secrets we’re never meant to be spoken Only thought about in the darkness of the mind The dark ages such a lovely time Truth spread like a plague, killing all of those who said The age of information, the day of reckoning around the corner A sin with nothing to say Are you, is anyone ever prepared for the truth? Are you, is anyone willing to? Dancing blindly in the dark The world was never yours What give you the belief heaven is any different? Her trail of crimson grows with every step
Dying inside is a solitary burden.
No one tries to take anything from you They just did Selfish and selfless Explain the meaning and tell me the difference To get something from nothing And make it last Has to be the hardest of all A diamond in a sea of shit Shinning but muted Explain the meaning and tell me the difference
Really need to change this image… need to do a lot of things… won’t go into a long rant right now… not really up to it… just trying to get through the day… feeling lazy… well I’m feeling like I want to take on a million things… and nothing at all at the same time… does that makes sense?.. yeah… I don’t get it either…
My shame burned into my face Feeling the words more than I want Stabbing you deep inside me A feeling that means so much Only for a moment in time Forever locked away This is the land of opportunity Each level requires registration Skin and blood have much in common In that they are never enough The color isn’t black and white Off color green, dead beliefs burned into Everything we say Nothing matters when you are free Up on a cross to get away Crucifixion means more than We’d like to believe A faith in nothing leaves only a lost feeling Take what you can get Shape it into something Turn it into freedom, chains dangling at your feet Unbroken chains we pay to escape Nothing ever goes away Doesn’t matter what you believe Everything will always be Just out of reach
Running Out of Ink
Trapped in a parasitic existence
Looking into the eyes of those you hurt
Future unavoidable, forever left failing
Doing it right is doing it wrong
Giving it everything is all that we know
Trapped, left incomplete, purpose
Reasons never explained
Always pushed in our faces
Have we, could we, hold me
The truth is there is no reason
Hard to swallow a shallow existence
Doing it wrong is doing it right
Fall in place marching to your death
Same as me, same as the rest
A million progressions going every way
Tracing a path to the same place
Ink foaming at the mouth
Spitting blood, are you sick?
Living with it
Future wrote before it has been read
How does it feel to be so human?
What does it matter if it never mattered?
Questioning everything to do with
I’m really proud of the first one… I almost saved it for submissions… but fuck it… I’m sure it would just be rejected like everything else… I don’t like to brag or think that I am this great writer… but… there are some great lines in this one… The first part is weird… a lot of weird phrasing about how I hate my job and station in life at the moment… Then a bunch of lines about how the world is trying to fuck me… no matter how hard I fight it… or you fight it… or anyone… because no matter where you are in life… the next step is just as hard… if not harder than the last one… so enjoy it now because it is only going to suck more tomorrow…
So what the fuck does that mean?… give up?… fight harder?… it means whatever the fuck you want it to mean… we are all at different levels… some of us want to go to the top…. some don’t… but don’t let the dream fool you into believing everything will be better if… yeah if… if I had this… if I had that… if I was there… if I had done this… If is whatever you want it to be… we are all chasing it… but none of us ever catch it… ask around… if we get the time we can all cry about it later… such is life…
Poem 2… was originally called Existence… it was kind of lame… it was similar in tone as the last one… except with having to do with the outside world… it had more to dealing with the one in my head… Kind of a full day for me… I get all worked up about the outside self… calm myself down… and start thinking about how fucked up I am on the inside… how I’m not good enough… how I’ll never get any where in life… doing everything right is doing it wrong… because no matter what I do… still in the same place…
From here it is a basic downward spiral… that’s my day in condensed form… really though I’d say it is more like a heart rate monitor… up and down at a rapid speed until the end of the day where it is more like this………….^…………………
I’m sure an image would have been much easier to understand… but I like making you work for it… haha… there’s no good transition to end this… so that was that… I guess… Ambrose out… no… that was pretty lame… hope all is well…
Singularity symptom of a crime Punishment for a sin I’ve yet to commit Self-sacrifice is a selfish mind set Always been about the team Smile and take it deeper The pain is only for a moment Spread over a life time It goes away The pretense of the present Set in stone, etched through the blood Of the words laid out in front of me Living an excuse of an existence Watching everything from my digital screen I’m starting to see what you mean By myself in my selfishness Always been true I just wasn’t listening The sad song you’ve been playing all along A demon chant with too many thoughts Present my case to a jury made of my peers Worthless thought stolen from a god Jesus had a point when he said I’ve died for your sins Words shoved down my throat A long shaft, do not complain Be more like me Be more whole Be everything you were meant to be Be all that was ever said Just fucking be So easy as you take the steps Heavy footed fucking foot print Left in the sand Lay more down on me I can take more as long as I’m still breathing
All Mixed Up
Obsessed with the obsession of death Constant reminder that I’m still alive The synapses of your encephalon is more Than I could handle Smoke so thick they call it a fog But we know what it really is The fumes of your shit consume me Body and soul Choking down all your words has left me Broken and whole An odd arrangement of what it means to be human Spit in my mouth and tell me it is love Dance on my grave A place chosen for me without my consent To say I miss you would be more than the truth Too much for me to handle An excuses I carry all the way home You’ve got me, hooked to the back bumper Dragging the lifeless corpse the rest of the way All mixed up is one way to say How you make me feel when I’m fucking you Payback is a bitch or so they say The voices never take the time To shut the fuck up
These are two poems… I wrote a few months ago… and I may have been a little gone when I wrote them… some times I remember why I write things and other time shit just comes out… if you haven’t figured out by now… some of my writing is on auto pilot… not that it doesn’t have any feeling… but some times I just start with two lines or a line… and I just go until I can’t think of anything else… more so when I have been drinking…
I’m sure we all have our way of clearing our minds… I enjoy these kind of poems from time to time… I prefer to write things with a purpose… but sometimes it is nice to just let whatever comes out… to just come out… The hard part about that is that sometimes they don’t fit any where… don’t fit into the “plan”… which is why I have been sitting on them for a while…
My favorite line from either of the two is… “Spit in my mouth and tell me it is love”… so beautiful and disgusting at the same time…
Processing the idea of such a Peaceful existence The calm before the storm Trepidation fills me As I inhale Slowly walking down a path There never was no turning back A false promise promised at birth The lie I have always lived Being a better person Is more than just believing Sacrifice everything only to end up With nothing in the end What was ever the point? Why would you ever try to be anything? Feel as though I’ve missed the point of everything
Ashes in a tray…
The flickering light mocks me The darkness seems so much more Appealing than the light This depression is sown into my bones The sadness grows with every breath Taking this was never the problem Only a symptom of being me With no reason I push on Ungrateful to be so grateful Judging by the judgement The sympathy of the times
I’m left feeling so incomplete…
The late nights got me thinking Maybe there’s more to this stupid thing A feeling wrapped in a trap Broken and forever forsaken The life I’ve created got me thinking Maybe there is more out there A failing thought in a concussion Fractured and forever suffering The isolation has gotten me thinking Maybe there’s more to this stupid thing A sinking feeling trapped within Simplistic and forever repeating
There are no innocent when we are all deemed guilty…
Breaking through the ice So thick A sledge hammer of sound Sledge hammer of pain No one ever asked me I’ve just always wanted the escape Freedom never meant much Until it was taken away Chipping away at the restraints A freak without a sound Freaking out without the pain Told me everything would be okay Why have you always felt the need To lie to me
Tried to hit every base with this one… nothing ever really shuts off in here… it is annoying but what else am I going to do?… bored today… did some yard work… still bored… did some writing… obviously… still bored… play some video games?… probably be bored… could read but I don’t feel like doing anything… riding out the day until it is over… if I never make it… it won’t be because of anyone around me… not motivated enough today… that’s more depressing than the depression… rambling on else where…
I like to keep my things in jars. I have many jars all
around my room. I used to as a child go out in the woods behind my house and
collected bugs. I had so many in my collection. Water bugs, butterflies,
lightning bugs, and all sorts of beetles. I used to watch them crawl or fly
around their jars. Each one or type I guess had their own jar to call their
own. Little worlds that they could live in. Live in until they died. They
always died. Why did they always die on me? Everything always dies on me.
Mother, sister, and the bugs. I used to label them and everything. It would drive my mother crazy. All the jars
filled with dead bugs under my bed. I couldn’t stop collecting them though. No
matter how many died or how upset my mother got.
Growing older I became more and more fascinated with the bugs
I kept in my jars. Though I never had the passion to really understand what it
was that I was collecting. I wasn’t book smart my mother used to say. I just
liked the way they looked in their jars. One day while exploring in the woods I
heard this odd noise cut through the singing birds. It sounded like nothing I
had ever heard in the woods before. It sounded as though a small child was crying.
Was my sister lost in the woods? Over and over I heard the noise. The closer I
got the louder the noise became. I knew I was on the right path. Frantically I
searched for the noise until I came across a small deer. Not quite a baby but
not yet an adult. It was just there lying in the open grass between some trees.
It saw me before I saw it, but it kept crying. Figured it would run away when I
got close enough and between me and you it tried, but the little deer had
broken its leg. As I got closer it struggled to get away. Dragging the broken
leg behind it. Leaving a trail of blood. I had never seen so much blood before.
It looked so odd, so out of place amongst the green of the grass. I got so
close to the deer that I could reach out and touch it. The cry it was making
was so loud by then. The sound was almost unbearable. I studied the hurt animal
as it tried to get away. I watched it for so long that after a while I couldn’t
even hear the sound it was making. I couldn’t hear anything.
It must have grown tired because after some time the deer stopped trying to get away. It laid its head down in the grass, its mouth moving, and its chest moving up and down rapidly. Cried and cried as I watched. In that moment in time it was only me and it in the whole world. The deer’s rapid breathes become slow and shallow breathes. We locked eyes for what felt like a life time. I placed my right hand on the back of its head and it went silent. Silent like it knew what was going to happen next. I tried to make it quick. Grabbing the top of its muzzle with my left hand I gave it everything my little body had a twist. Its neck snapped. I know I heard it or maybe I only felt it, but it wasn’t enough. Its body flopped around in the grass as I tried to hang onto its head. I tried twisting its head again, but it just kept shaking my hand lose. I could barely keep a hold of the deer. So I jumped onto its back like anyone would I suppose and tried to wrestle it still. It was all happening so fast until everything seemed to stop around me. I was so frustrated, so angry that I lost control of everything. I seemed to have gone to another place within myself. By the time I came back to reality there I was holding this deer’s head in my hands. I no longer cared about bugs. Not when there was so many things out in the woods that needed my help and attention. I find that people are much the same as that deer or the birds or the rabbits of the world. They all need my help and attention.
The razor blade digs into my side A contraption meant for something else Reusing useless item to make a point
The absence of your insignificance
Spitting the venom foaming at the mouth I loved you so much that I wish I was dead Standing at the crossroads of crucifixion A place that meant so much before Words carry no weight Cliched, depraved edition of everything said Spinning in circles looking for something that isn’t there A long ass sentence with no point Left alone so long ago Abandoned to the point no one knows Lost in time and space All the ideas we decided to create
Selfishness and everything I strive to be
Hung over, fractured skull Left regretting mistakes Still processing all the shame Brain on fire and only one to blame Stand still, watching the world spin Slowly becoming, sober
Flesh from the bone… heart torn from the soul…
The flames of despair are flaring up again Taking away any confidence I may have had Searching the world for my ego Stealing from all those around me Demented dimensions of disproportionate thoughts Shattered shadow slowly dying in the dark Lost everything when I lost you Took away anything I thought I had A talent for noticing how fucked up I am My will sways in the wind Broken branches littering the ground Up routed and so far from where I began Where do I go Standing before a fork in a destroyed road No path free from your corruption No path that hasn’t already been worn down Sell my soul for a little peace A thoughtless thought that haunts me
Burning through my notes at an unusual pace… honestly trying to clear most of this mess off my desk… move on to something new… I’d love to start working on my novel… well I have but I have been at an impasse… Been too lazy… collecting excuses… collecting pages of distractions… Been so long I’m starting to forget what it was even about… not a good sign… figure it all out in time… everything in time I suppose…
You keep coming at me Sticking your face where it doesn’t belong Maybe it is your ideology that puts you in your place Maybe it is all the things that you couldn’t say Beat you down to make it go away A constant fight with too much at stake Killing the reasons that drive me insane Choking all these feelings, put them in their place Maybe it is all the things I have to take Maybe it is all the times I have felt raped The words sink in and I don’t know what to say Too many days feeling this way
I don’t play God I just Sheppard in his beliefs
Your little tragedies are building up A cut here, a scar there The blood rebuilds but never heals A truth we don’t want to believe Invincible in the sense that we are not Riding this thoughtless thought out
Taking each moment in
Falling victim to the flames Standing up to the walls of Christ Stuck somewhere in between A theory, a thought on it all Trying harder to not try at all Trapped in a wake I can not escape God had a plan she just forgot to tell me Rising above the tide, a glimpse, a vision Comes to mind but why should it ever Make any sense Intention are never the same as actions Reading minds never got me anywhere
The voices take me under
The darkness hides a secret A truth we could never take The nightmare of it all Inflicted with so many issues Praying is one way to bring in the demons Drinking has always been An escape I could never afford Breaking down all the reasons You are still in my mind Miss the days it was only You and I My regrets aren’t the ones hidden on the surface Resting in the shadows Sleeping on the cold floor of my heart Miss everything I could never have Choices made Decisions out of my control Spreading messages I don’t even understand Saying shit I don’t know how to say Broken, I wish they’d just go away
Chipping away at all these notes… feels good to get some of this off my mind… my heart… my soul… if words were an avalanche of shit… I’m buried under them… haha… could you imagine?… may have thrown up in my mouth a little bit… if you have ever changed a diaper… the smell alone… shiver… haha…
There is no good transition from that last paragraph… though technically is it a paragraph if all the sentences are broken up?… never covered that one in school… odd they never covered any of my style in school… well that’s not fair… they probably did… but more in the what not to do… so you know I wasn’t listening… obviously… : )
In a good mood today… feeling life… writing all this depressing shit was a drag… kind of felt like who is this asshole?… then I remembered it was me… still in a good mood… good moods are bad for me… I’m not feeling this at all… this is very much gun to my head writing… but you deserve more… and I want to give it to you… maybe you don’t feel that way… maybe you think I am crazy… hey no one reading this really knows… listening to Where Is My Mind by The Pixies… (Not even going to link that… because you should know that song…) Getting lost in that under water sound…