That Last Awkward Clap at the End of An Applause

Hanging Me By The Knees

Too broken to process any new thoughts
Need to move out and build an ark
A sign from God came in
It said a paragraph worth of shit
Basically I fucked this up a long time ago
Riding this one out until the end
Maybe, maybe if I’m lucky
They will only hang me by the knees
Using my head as a pinata full of disease
Question then becomes
Would I even know the difference?
The answer seems so obvious because it is
What anyone would give to not feel like me
What I’d do to not be me doesn’t seem all that bad
Another sign from God came in today
Said quit your bitching and do something already
Obviously I’m paraphrasing

 

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Still bumming around… working on things here and there… spending time with family… working at my other job… boring stuff… up to my neck in a Zelda addiction I didn’t know I had… Breath of the Wild is really good… okay it is great… and yes… I am a year behind all the praise and hype… basically I’m that last awkward clap at the end of an applause… should have been the title of this post… and now it is… 

Hope all is well…

Ambrose

(Click the links for more information… See what I did there?…)

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Dictating An Existence That Doesn’t Exist… Call It Life…

Holiday In The Unknown

Waiting for your words
Waiting for anything
I’ve become bored
Staring at a wall isn’t for me
Thoughts come seeping back in

How I wish I was dead
That life is meaningless

They don’t mean much said only once
Over and over until they won’t leave my head?

How I wish I was dead
That life is meaningless

Distracted for a time
Thought the thoughts had left
I’ve always been wrong
This only proves it
Suffocating under the weight
Of a feeling I can’t escape

How I wish I was dead
That life is meaningless

Reminding me how not to forget
Over and over again

How I wish I was dead
That life is meaningless

Waiting for your words
Waiting for anything
I’ve become bored
Don’t think I’ll ever change
Thoughts never left me
Only distracted for a time

Reading all that they have to say
How I wish I was dead
This life is so meaningless

 

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Normally I do two poems in the same post… but this one was so sad and dark… I couldn’t find a companion poem that didn’t cheapen this one… This one is pretty personal… not really something I want to talk about… demons I battle in silence… demons I’m distracted from for the time being… a normal feeling?… no… has it become normal?… sadly yes…

I can’t stress enough that I am doing a lot better… perfect?… no… but that is life… I am fighting the want to express what this poem means to me… and I’m not going to because… this poem needs to be about what you want it to be… just know that there is help out there… know that people care… it may seem like the right thing to do… the easy thing… but as with everything in life it only seems that way because you are so close… try taking a step back… see the bigger perspective of this thing called life… we all have our place… have to be here though to find it… 

 

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Thank you for the support…

Beacasue… I Don’t Want To Know… For Fun…

 

 

 

 

 

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All mixed up… but please… did you really expect anything else?... out of these which is your favorite?… no judgement… (Shh.. Dirt Room… please come on… you know me better by now…)

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Broken Thoughts…Now A Word From Our Sponsors…

Have you ever wanted to fly?… Needed super strength to lift a car off a cockroach?… How about run a mile in less than a second while being chased by some sort of super natural being that only exists in your head?*… Well we here at Chewing On Glass have an exciting product for just you and all your super human needs… and we are happy to announce that it can only be found here… if you are one of the first 100 people to order… We will personally double your order… That’s right you heard it here… Two for one.. But only if you are one of the lucky first 100**… Do you have what it takes to go to the next level?…

But first… sick and twisted messages from my mind***… Find out more about this exciting offer at the bottom of the page… Grip it and rip it as we always say****

*Warning. There is no product on earth that can make you do any of these things. The Author is selling nothing but lies. 
** There is no special deal. The author is beyond broke and could not support these claims even if he really, really wanted to. So don’t be fooled by his stupidity. Also don’t brag about how much smarter you are than him. Dick move. 
*** We are unsure if he even has a brain. Let alone a mind. We check for a pulse but to be honest we don’t care that much either. As along as the content comes in. We don’t have to shock him with the cattle prod again. 
**** We’ve never said this.

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Five hours of sleep in two days
Sure I still feel sane

It’s the sleep that would drive me insane
A broken down soul with everything still left to say
Think of the words only for them to go away
Laughing at all the ways this is killing me
One day we will all receive our day of reckoning
A day many of us hope and pray
A peace we’ve been searching for
A goal all the same
Six days later it’s the same beat driving me insane
A thoughtless sound repeated over and over
Eating away at my brain
The music moved me once
Now only a soundtrack to my broken thoughts
Zero words in my head with everything left
To say

 

You couldn’t be a bigger asshole even if you were doing thirty in the passing lane… : )

 

I’ve been living on borrowed time
Didn’t know it until it was true
Death couldn’t come swifter
I’ve known all along
Lied to everyone I knew
Told them I was fine
Dying inside is a solitary burden
Locked in my head with nothing left
Did what I could and this is all that it was
A lifetime spent wondering why
A life wasted on borrowed time

 

Your consumerism is not your freedom

 

Showed up early once again
At this point hard to dispute
That I don’t like it
A death, a life I hold in my hand
Giving anything to not be here
Giving nothing to leave
A contradiction I live every day
Showing up early only feels like a sign
To a lie I don’t want to believe
Broken and no one can help me
Break down waiting to happen
Severed and whole
What is more
I do not know

 

It’s a lot easier to kneel than it is to fall…

 

Walking a straight line
Until my feet crack and bleed
Not enough distance between us
Not enough room on earth
To complement all this hurt

 

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Where does the mind go?… if it goes no where at all?… a crossroads of thoughts… feelings… the mind is a very terrible thing to taste… even more to waste… here I sit over dosing on all the pain… I want an escape… but escaping me is going to be much harder to sustain… smiling all the same… my mind a death trap inside a broken body… I hate… I love… I am only me… live one way… believe another… turns out I’m only human… until I found this amazing product… now I’m just an asshole with an over sized smile… Click the links to learn more*…  Tis the season to sell your soul… spread the word… 

*Nothing in these links will do anything for you. Maybe make you smile but really it is only one demented asshole trying to raise funds to keep all of this going. Support the arts this holiday season. Even if it isn’t this asshole. A review, a like, a comment goes a long ways. It seems small, but every little bit helps. We are all trying to do our thing and we all appreciate you every day. Have a happy Holiday season. Whatever you believe, whatever you celebrate. Enjoy it. Tis the season to enjoy. One world and we are all here for each other. : ) (This has been Layne the whole time… I’m crazy… haha… hugs and kisses from the underground…)

 

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Broken Thoughts… Every Where I Go…

Spitting blood, where is it that it comes from
Dying to figure out love
Missed the sun rise one last time
How is it that I’m not dead?
Spending time, where is it that I’ve gone
Fighting to understand pain
Lost track of the absent days
How is it that I’m even alive?

 

People are often hurtful before they say what they mean

 

Dragging myself through hell once again
Your unholy eyes staring me down
How long can we play this game
How long can we live in sin
Testing the limits every day
Your serrated grin made of lies and deceit
No one ever said this was it
But we both know this is all there will ever be

 

I love you but some days I just want to hold your head under water and pray for more rain.

 

Taking the long way home
Stuck between doing it and not
Ripping out my eyes
Tearing out my heart
Drink the blood to understand why
A shit taste of everything I’ve hidden
Fuck it
Destroy it
Who the fuck cares anymore
Pulling out my hair
Renting out my soul
Eat what’s left of me
A shit taste and a mouth full of lies
Take my hand and I’ll lead you to
A place called home

 

“I want to be buried in this jacket so it can keep me warm in hell”… It is a pretty amazing jacket… just saying… 

 

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I don’t have much to say… but I found this when reviewing my notes… 

The amount of fucking walking is ridiculous…

 

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(This wouldn’t center…)

Digging Up The Past… Time To Waste… Vol. 3

Back for another installment of embarrassment… still stuck on the age of seventeen… and moving into to eighteen… Chewing On Glass presents… Time To Waste…

 

The person you are
Nothing means everything you want to say
Nothing (x4)
You are
Nothing means anything I thought I needed to say
Nothing (x4)
I am 
Nothing is what we are
Nothing (x4)
My everything

This was yet another “song” I had in my head… Nine Inch Nails inspired… 

 

I am, everything
I am, everything you
Want me to be
I am
Everything you needed me to be
I am 
What you fucking’ think of me

 

What Do You See

You convey
Every little mother fucking thing
You show me
What it is you fucking think of me

You fucking do this to me
You fucking show me who I used to be
You fucking do this to me
You fucking everything I used to be

Why won’t you let me be
Every little mother fucking thing
Why won’t you let me go
What is it that you think of me

Chorus
(Everything, Everything) x2
I am everything you (Scream)
Need me to be
I am what you put inside of me

Okay so they aren’t complex songs… I have always liked punk for the same reason… It is… was… all about emotion… getting that thought or feeling out… this is how I feel deal with it… With that said… I’m still really into the chorus… I like the idea that the back up singer starts a chant… and then the singer answers back… obviously Nine Inch Nails and the Misfits… never really did that… If I had to guess that would be the Blink-182 influence I snuck in there… Which by this time… when I wrote this… I was too cool for such a band… Don’t be a sell out… blah… 

 

Movie Ideas
Zombie Film
Horror Movie
School / Drug Film (Would steal ideas from this for A Lie later in life…)
Cannery Row (Great fucking book…)
Messenger
Future/ War Movie (This would be folded into War of 2012… Never released… I believe…)
Superhero Movie (Naturally…)
Documentary (Because who makes the above movies… then is like nah… I’ll make a doc…)

In high school I was very much into music… it was my life… all I talked about… all I dreamed of… but in my head it didn’t seem obtainable… a dream… at the same time I was really doing well in Video Communications… won some “awards” for different things… they were in school awards… but people were pretty hyped… figured if I didn’t make it in music… I could do movies… overtime… that drifted away… mutated… and became writing…

In truth I’m too controlling to be a director… but not controlling enough to tell other people what to do… I like that about writing… It is all on me… the only explanation that I really need to get my point across is the story itself… I don’t have to explain what is going on in my head with another person… I don’t have to argue why this shot needs to be this way… oh I have an idea about this… etc… I write it and either you like it or… I try again… 

 

Here I sit I write for you
But you’ll never know the truth
Every day I’ll wait for you
But you’ll never see the truth
Here I sit I lie to you
But you’ll never know the truth
Everyday I’ll wait on you
But you’ll never tell the truth

 

Sun

It hurts to open my eyes
The worlds on fire
You have let it burn
My eyes are shut
It takes its course

You’re not born but when
You are you’ll want to die

Its been taken away
Before it was given
You have been left to die

 

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Always a blast… to revisit the past… not really… but sometimes we don’t know where we are going without knowing where we have been… life is a ride… well I’ll let the late great Bill Hicks explain… because honestly… I’ll just butcher it… 

 

 

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Broken Thoughts… Swinging For The Fences…

What the fuck am I even doing
Digging ditches called memories
It’s all pointless so why
Do I feel the need to cry
The reason to breath, fucking seething
Unhappy and I don’t know why
Pointless, but here we go
Another day waking and waiting
Here we go another day
Believing everything will be fine
Here we go one more fucking day
Feeling like this

 

Clapping along to a death song
I’ve known all along

 

Go ahead and smile
Really I don’t care
Stabbing you in the face
Will only be easier
Please, no, be you
Distant memories while I dance on
Your grave

 

Gearing up for the ass fuck of the century
A daily grind one upped every night
(Takes a bow)

 

Your insecurities rub up against me
A broken down thought, in need of a lobotomy
Toxic nervousness that surrounds us all
Thought provoking image drench in tears
Worldliness verbiage that makes no sense
You’ve gone and turned my mind inside out

 

“America’s problem is that we are so afraid of outside forces that we forget we are the outside force”…

 

I don’t have time to fail
A constant push to get myself out of here
Lost dream taken over by regret

 

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I’m still on vacation… for how long?… no idea… but I will be checking in and out through  out the month… hopefully by December… I can get back into some sort of routine… What have you been up to?… How have you been?… Hope all is well… 

Layne Ambrose
11/12/18

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