Broken Thoughts… Looking Past the Glass…

Loved you from the moment I met you
Love you even now as you hold my heart in your hands
I’ll love you as I watch you crush it into nothing
I’ll love you as you set ablaze
I love you because I do
It’s not a feeling or a thought
Not one moment or a life time
Said I wanted to with you until the end of days
By your side is all I ever meant to say
That’s where I’ve always been
Until you decided to walk away
Wish I could pretend that none of this felt like this
Feels like dying an endless death
Wish it didn’t mean anything like you said
But I’ve loved you from the first time we met

Life is full of surprises… Destruction of a person…

How many hits does it take to destroy a heart?
More than you think
Less than what you need

Standing in darkness avoiding all the light…

Bleeding for one
Bleeding for control
Lifeless, dead, nothing left
Break me, I’m broken
Hate, I’m hating
Wait, I’m waiting
Live, This is life
Get the point?
Because I’m not

Took a long ass time… finally closing the chapter on the thoughts from last year… almost all caught up on my notes… yeah… I write a lot… all the time if I can… mostly Broken Thoughts and poems… but I’m starting to write stories again… Not quite like riding a bike… unless you are supposed to smash your face into the ground while riding a bike?… Not sure… haven’t wrote a bicycle in a very long time…

Well I’m not going to start now so I’ll never know… what I do know is that this part of the thoughts is done… get them down and get them out… hope all is well…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Broken Thoughts… I Like This…

Twisting me, turning me
The waves swept me away
With every breath, every gasp of air
But the words already left my soul
Losing everything only seemed right
What I deserved
After losing you nothing could compare
Took longer to die
Than it took to realize the words were always there
The images play out
But the words always remain
The pain it must have took to tuck me in
Cover me up with a blanket of lies
Walked out to sea one last time
To see the stars behind your cold dead eyes
Took me in once, what is one more time?
Prayed to something I don’t believe
Offered my soul to take the pain away
Had no idea, a price I couldn’t afford

To do is to suffer…

How is it that I can be so wrong
While being so right
God gave me what I needed
I wasted it all on me
Giving in was much easier
Than I thought it could be
Religion, religious text states
Pride before the fallen
A complete circle turned into a habit
I miss you though I don’t have to
A distant memory forced to forget
Pushing feelings aside only to wonder why
I’d kill myself to just relive it all again
Jesus is said to have died for my sins
Cardinal rules I was forced to break
Now I’m broken with only a reason to blame
You are more me than I am you

Not hung over… Just wish I had more…

Spelling out my love with the blood
How much more do you need
The debts are so profound
Give you every last drop for a lifetime
Would that be enough?
What I promised could never be enough
Or have you forgotten?
Maybe it is you who should rethink
What I mean to you
Forever and a day was never long enough

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Chewing On Glass Presents: A Story Never Told…

“What the hell are you even doing up at this hour?” A voice asks with a yawn. I bang on the door harder and harder. “Ain’t no one want to see you in there. Hell I see you and I don’t even want to,” the homeless man moans. “Shut up you stupid vagrant. As a matter of fact someone in there really does want to see me,” I inform him. “Oh, really? That why you have been out here for a better part of an hour messing up my sleep? The only fact I see around here is that no one wants your ass around. So why don’t you go ahead and give it a rest so I can get some rest. Got an early morning. I’m a busy man,” the homeless man mumbles that last bit but I still here him through it all. I stop banging on the door and I’m ready to bang on something else. I raise my fists, “One more word old man and I’ll see to it that you get plenty of rest.” The homeless man giggles. He giggles at me. I can feel my anger and frustration rising. “Don’t go starting trouble when troubles already found you. Take my advice. I didn’t end up here by design,” the man preaches. I start to take the steps down to his garbage bed when a familiar sweet voice takes a hold. “He’s right you know?” Her voice cutting through the commotion. All I wanted from her was an acknowledgement that I was even there. “I’ll ring you in. I guess we need to talk,” she says from the second floor window. I turn back towards the door. “Are you sure Miss Kelly?” The vagrant asks. “Of course she is sure,” I snap at the man. “There you go starting trouble again. I ain’t afraid of you. Honestly I ain’t got nothing left to lose,” the homeless man smiles a toothless grin before putting up his fists. “Yes, I’m sure Frank, but if I change my mind.” “I’ll be right here miss Kelly,” Frank finishes for her. She smiles and moves away from the window. Moments later I hear the sound of the door buzzing and I head inside. Frank lies back down on his makeshift bed, “Can’t get no peace and quiet. Thoughts this was a good neighborhood. God damn kids with their drama.”

I ascend the stairs rapidly. A flight of stairs in an instant. There is much to say and who knows how long to say it. The door is cracked and waiting for me when I get there. I take in a large breath. Be cool Miles. Be cool I tell myself one more time before knocking on the door. She is waiting just on the other side as I enter. “May I ask what is so important you have to disturb me and the whole neighborhood at 3 am?” She starts right at the door way. There are so many things that I want to say. All at once, but only one thing I should say. “I’m sorry,” is the only thing to come out. “Sorry for what? What you did or disturbing everyone? Because only one of those things can be fixed with an, I’m sorry,” she says. “I’m sorry for all of it. I’m sorry I’m here so late disturbing you and everyone else. I’m sorry for what I did earlier. I’m sorry for a lot of things,” I say searching for my words. “Yes, you should be,” she informs me watching my reaction. “Your sorry has come too late I’m afraid. They are useless at this point and are no longer any good here,” she pauses for a moment to let it sink in her eyes very different from all the other times. “Kelly please,” I interrupt. “Kelly please what? Forgive you again and again? Damnit Miles you can’t just keep messing up and thinking I will forgive you later for it. You can only play a song so many times before it becomes background noise,” her eyes like fire. I step closer to her. I let her speak her mind and now I have to try the one move I have left. If I can get her in my arms I know she will change her mind. I’m greeted by an open hand on my chest, “Not this time Miles. We are done,” she says sternly. “This is the last time I swear,” I reach for the hand on my chest. She quickly moves it away before I can even touch her one last time. “You said that two times ago and every time before. Let me say this so you understand. I am done and this is the last time I am going to tell you,” she locks eyes with me. “But?” I try to say. I’m at a loss of words. “It’s time for you to leave and I’m not asking. I’m telling you,” she commands with her finger extended towards the stairs. I look her in the eyes one last time before doing as I was told. There comes a time in any battle where winning is losing either way so there is only one thing to do. I turn and walk my new path. I hear the door close behind me and the door’s lock click over as I reach the stairs. “I didn’t mean it,” I say to an empty audience. From behind the door she breathes a heavy, “I know,” before a tear falls to the ground.

I leave the apartment building at the slowest speed. Lost in thought. What have I done this time? What have I given up for nothing? Questions I only have excuses for but no answers. I pass by the vagrant known only as Frank. “Out in your ass I see. You ain’t the only one. Join the club as they say,” he lets out a small laugh. The street goes silent as I walk down the block. A coldness washes over me. Where I am off too. I really don’t know.

What a love story?… am I in the right place?… sure are… a bit different from what I normally write… minus the strong woman character… the darkness… and the absences of a story… this was very much an experiment piece… one where I tried to write about emotions with no real context… oddly enough this one was written in third person perspective and I switched it… Actual Meaning started out in first person and I switched to third… proof that not every story starts and ends the way you think it will…

Everything goes through a couple of drafts… I won’t bore you with all the changes and story shifts… this story did take more time… way more time then it should have… a couple of years actually… yeah you read that right… let me get this straight… I didn’t obsess over this story for years… I wrote it and filed it away… I write or start writing things all the time… come back later and rewrite the whole thing… then file it away again… sometimes the ideas come and other times they are nothing more than a thought… that all sounds confusing… see a thought…

I spend different time on different things… these final thoughts at the end… a rambling commentary of what I am thinking right here and now… the stories take on different layers as I drag myself through life… I believe that is the point I am trying to make… but I barely know what the hell I am thinking at any given moment… dragging my corpse on…

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Fixing What Isn’t Broken…

And You Will All Know Me By My Name

Singularity symptom of a crime
Punishment for a sin I’ve yet to commit
Self-sacrifice is a selfish mind set
Always been about the team
Smile and take it deeper
The pain is only for a moment
Spread over a life time
It goes away
The pretense of the present
Set in stone, etched through the blood
Of the words laid out in front of me
Living an excuse of an existence
Watching everything from my digital screen
I’m starting to see what you mean
By myself in my selfishness
Always been true I just wasn’t listening
The sad song you’ve been playing all along
A demon chant with too many thoughts
Present my case to a jury made of my peers
Worthless thought stolen from a god
Jesus had a point when he said
I’ve died for your sins
Words shoved down my throat
A long shaft, do not complain
Be more like me
Be more whole
Be everything you were meant to be
Be all that was ever said
Just fucking be
So easy as you take the steps
Heavy footed fucking foot print
Left in the sand
Lay more down on me
I can take more as long as
I’m still breathing

All Mixed Up

Obsessed with the obsession of death
Constant reminder that I’m still alive
The synapses of your encephalon is more
Than I could handle
Smoke so thick they call it a fog
But we know what it really is
The fumes of your shit consume me
Body and soul
Choking down all your words has left me
Broken and whole
An odd arrangement of what it means to be human
Spit in my mouth and tell me it is love
Dance on my grave
A place chosen for me without my consent
To say I miss you would be more than the truth
Too much for me to handle
An excuses I carry all the way home
You’ve got me, hooked to the back bumper
Dragging the lifeless corpse the rest of the way
All mixed up is one way to say
How you make me feel when I’m fucking you
Payback is a bitch or so they say
The voices never take the time
To shut the fuck up

These are two poems… I wrote a few months ago… and I may have been a little gone when I wrote them… some times I remember why I write things and other time shit just comes out… if you haven’t figured out by now… some of my writing is on auto pilot… not that it doesn’t have any feeling… but some times I just start with two lines or a line… and I just go until I can’t think of anything else… more so when I have been drinking…

I’m sure we all have our way of clearing our minds… I enjoy these kind of poems from time to time… I prefer to write things with a purpose… but sometimes it is nice to just let whatever comes out… to just come out… The hard part about that is that sometimes they don’t fit any where… don’t fit into the “plan”… which is why I have been sitting on them for a while…

My favorite line from either of the two is… “Spit in my mouth and tell me it is love”… so beautiful and disgusting at the same time…

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Broken Thoughts… A Mind Field… To Not Step On…

I’m at the end
Only I didn’t know
The beginning could feel
The same way
I’m at the end of everything
Cut my rope, spared my throat
Why is it you feel the need
To lie to me
The real you knows
What it is that you are doing
Driving the nails deeper
Not worth the price in my head
All I ever wanted was for you to love me
Begging for change, it seems I asked too much
Dug a hole, to a place called hell
I mean home
Buried myself in
Knew it when I was at the end
Only I didn’t know
It would be you dancing on my grave
At the end of everything
Couldn’t kill me
Cut my rope, spared my throat

The silence is crippling

Living through this time
Feels like a walking suicide
Take my hand and lead the way
I’ve given in, tell me what to say
Fill me with all of your lies
A waking nightmare
Another drink and I’ll be fine
A fucking joke, words lost on me
Take my hand and lead the way
To the cliff that hangs
Push me off, can’t resist
Your lies have always been
Everything to me
Does it make you sad
To know what you do
Living through this with you
Has always been more than I could
Ever say

The loneliness is isolating

Silently leading me to my own death
Your venom sinks into my skin
A kiss on my lips
Is all this has ever been
One more day and I’ll be fine
Longest day of my life
Breaking me down inside
Until I’m nothing but
On display
Don’t mistake my agony
For love
Twisting the knife in my vein
You have a hand in everything
Drinking to make the pain go away
Living through this time
Feels like a walking suicide
Take my hand and lead the way
Dug my own grave
I do until this
Ends

Kill myself to prove a point

An endless decision
Without any conclusion
Like suffering where you stand
Here I am

This one was pretty long… You know you’ve had too many… when how to spell conclusion… escapes you… don’t forget to tip your waitresses… servers is the more politically correct term… sucking on a tail pipe… another day crossed of my list… a fucking fool… in sheep’s clothing… basically signing the fuck off… taking a bow… I don’t deserve…

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Digging A Grave… Just Encase…

This Is All

You’d walk through broken glass
Just to get away from me
You’re such a tortured soul
Getting all that you deserve
Starting to believe I’m addicted to pain
All that you seem to provide for me
Heart broken, empty
This is all that you left me
Sowing the words into my skin

You’d eat broken glass
To get away from me
You’re such a tortured soul
Getting all that you deserve
I do believe I’m addicted to this pain
All that you provide for me
Obsolete, hollow
This is all that you left me
Stitching these wounds closed

You’d shit glass
Just to get away from me
You’re such a tortured soul
Getting what I deserve
Embracing this addiction for what its worth
Excepting everything you provide me
Standing, walking away
This is all that you left me
Burning these words into my skin
Over the scars, Over the stitches

Knowing there isn’t anything you wouldn’t do
To get away from me
Is enough to know you were never worth
My love in the first place

Wasting Away

You’d like to watch me fall apart
Full of shit, could anyone tell the difference
Thought I could once
But what is it about you I really know
A stranger in familiar skin
The silence in my head speaks volumes
Need another drink to remember
All the shit you’ve told me
Loving me must have been the hardest thing
Can’t stop leaving me
For what I’m worth
You’d never say
Wasting away
I’d love you through hell
Each and every day
Am I the solution or the problem?
Don’t be the only person who would stay
Just to say they never loved me
Wasting away
Full of shit, could anyone see the difference
This life isn’t worth living
Either is the next
Lost, stuck in this
Don’t know what I want any more
To live or die
Wasting away
Who in my life
Hasn’t lied to me
Trusting anyone seems like a burden
Breathing has become the same
Wasting away
Don’t be another person in my life
Just to say they loved me

Full disclosure… I stole these two lines… From a Stone Sour song called Orchids

Don’t be the only person who would stay
Just to say they never loved me


Except that I changed the last line part from “Left me” to loved me… Normally I don’t do this… but honestly I have been listening to this song so much in the last couple of months… and it is my favorite part of the song… Obviously though it has a flaw because he should have had the line be loved me or “Left me”… we can’t all be perfect…

I’m sure that I am going to take some heat for these two poems… and I wrote them awhile ago… when things were different… could have trashed them… forgot about them… but I didn’t… and I enjoy them enough to share the hurt I have felt over the last few months… because as much as it hurts to pick at the scabs… we are still going to pick at them… nothing is dead if we don’t let it rest… it is time to put these feelings to bed…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Waiting For You To Realize… What I Mean To You…

Bleed Out

Forcing myself to die
Tearing out my eyes
Want to tear everything down
Forget that I ever existed
At all
Unhappy with the path I’ve craved
A hole in my heart I can not fill
Your words are worthless
Ready to go home
So obsessed with the thought
That all of this is pointless
Forcing myself to die
Tearing out my heart
Want to tear out every part
Forget that I ever existed
Turns out, none of this was fun
After all
Unhappy with the life I’ve created
A hole in my heart I can not fix
My thoughts are worthless
Ready to get going
So obsessed with the thought
Bags been packed for a while
Forcing myself to live
Tearing up at the thought
These faults are my own
Forget that I ever existed
At all
So I can move on
Letting the hole in my heart
Bleed out
Words I thought I could lose
Burned into my skin
I love you now like I loved you then

Living In Time

Thinking about the future
Dwelling on the past
What to do when the scars don’t heal
Open, bleeding wound
Close my eyes and hope
Nothing ever comes
Time heals all wounds
Truth is, the best we can hope for
Is that time will stop the bleeding
Your lies a thorn in my spine
Walk, pretend everything is fine
Following the path of least resistance
Resisting the urge to end it all
What’s starting over
If the most that you hoped for
Lead me here
This has all been a waste of time
Everyone tells me I’m fine
This is normal, give it time
A splintered lie digging in my spine
I don’t care, lets say I did
Thinking about the future
Dwelling on the past
Close my eyes and maybe I’ll die

This could go on for a while… I mean a long while… I have pages and pages of how I feel… how I’ve felt… how I’m feeling… as of late… to be honest… I think I have only hit the tip of the iceberg… so bare with me… this glass is sharper than I thought…

In other news… I am going to start working on a big project… so look out for that… on top of… sad poems about killing myself… : ) Always a good time… here at Chewing On Glass…

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