At Least That’s A Start…

The Drugs Aren’t Helping, Take Two A Day

Doing nothing drives the sanest insane
Bring me some new pain
I know I can take it
At all costs, it has to be this way
In the darkest holes I have found
I’ll be fine, wanted you to know
Dragging me through hell
This place I call home
Miss it more than I could know
Simple minded, stupid, what you will
I’ll survive, I’ll find a way to make it
Who I am, Who I’ve always been
Smiling and digging a grave
In your name I pray
You’ll never feel the way I do
I will always fail at this thing
Called life
I will always be the things
I never wanted to be

 

I’m Not You Because You Are Me

Had everything anyone could ever want
Pissed it all away, now look at me
Shitting on the street
Stare, I don’t care, still breathing
Understand, never alive
Don’t you see?
Don’t you see?
Look at me
You are me more than you want to believe
One step away
Feel that?, It’s called a heart beat
It’s called a heart beat
Pissing in the streets, screaming until my throat bleeds
You are me
Don’t you see?
Don’t you see?
Chasing the demons that haunt me
Running from the problem at top speed
Problem has always been
Me
Human and I know you can relate
My home is the streets
My home is this fucking concrete
You are me
Don’t you see?
Don’t you see?
You just haven’t run your course
Of course, you’d deny the truth
I’ll see you, keep the space warm, until we meet 
That special place called home
Six feet under earth
I’m not you because you are me

 

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I know the last post was pretty sad and all that shit… but lets move on until I have better news… I’m Not You Because You Are Me… came out of no where…. and honestly… I don’t like to brag… but God damn… That shit hit hard and I could not stop… a written orgasm… I don’t know if you liked it as much as me… but… that shit sent me over the edge… and then dropped me in a six-foot ditch… what I live for?… hard to say… but it made me feel a certain way…

Because that is how it is my friends… we are all one step from all of this shit going to… well shit… as bad as you think you have it… as bad as we want to believe… it could be worse… some of us have it pretty fucking bad… don’t get me wrong… if you got time to think… well you got it better than most… gratefulness… be grateful for what you got… family… friends… a good thought that pops up… ride it out…  but always strive for more… a balance that can be hard to understand… a balance that doesn’t make sense until long after… It’s about the air… it’s about the breathe… sounds stupid… but what else are you going to do?… 

Don’t like where you are?… keep fucking swinging… keep trying… as much as I love you  all… as much as I want each of you to do what it is that you want… the truth is that no one gives a shit… oh well… heard it all before… are you going to give up or are you going make them believe?… don’t need to hurt… don’t need to destroy… need to find a balance… a mission that isn’t easy to see… all in this together… and we are all on our knees… no one ever said this was going to be easy… climb that mountain… fall down the hill… who really cares… get back up… that’s what people really care about… we will fail… but no one is taking me out… get what I mean?…

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I know you are busy… I know we all got a lot of things going on… I don’t need you to buy anything… click the links… shit on me… tell me I suck… honestly… I appreciate… you even reading one word… you are the greatest thing that could happen to me… don’t be afraid… I embrace you all the same… we are all in this together… hugs… and all will be well… 

Let’s Fake An Answer For the Curious..

These Days

The days bleed together
How it is or how it always was
Questions, answers, sin, justification
The days bleed together
How it is or how I’ve always wanted it to be
Liar, truth, asshole, cunt
The days seem meaningless
When you are around
Bleeding, blending, living, dying
The days are all there seems to be
The days with only you and me
Then there are the days in between
Haunting nightmares, self destruction
I’m not so depressed when you are around
I’m not myself when we are apart
The words seem to mean more than how I feel
How it is or how it always was
Questions, answers, sin, justification

 

Are you on the way to a funeral?
I am the funeral

 

You’re A Star

Looking around I don’t see anything that I need
The need is a reason for the greed
A spoken language of hate and fear
So much better than you
A useless idea
Feeling around for the art
Of how to live, how to die
Such a useless thought left broken in time
Daring to be more than I’ve ever been
Too much work to not be me
Singing death lullaby’s to pass the time
Wish it weren’t true but all I know are lies
Gave you everything that I owned
But you had to take more
They say you needed my soul
Told them I don’t care no more
A raven of broken thoughts I can’t put down
How it could feel to be like you
Wearing a skin of sin
Heart pumping a mixture of deceit and pain
Drowning in this idea that I’m like you
Suffocating under the weight

 

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Success and failure… the mark that we live our lives by… shit on a stick it doesn’t matter… this life… this world isn’t measured in accomplishment… what we do doesn’t matter to the masses… it might only mean something to one person… one among nearly eight billion and counting… we have to be here for one and another… because what the fuck else are we going to do?… 

Sounds fucking crazy… in this together?… who the fuck is there when I’m sad?… no one… wrong… I am… others are.., sometimes you have to look more than three feet around us… sometimes we aren’t in arms lengths… but we are here… What I mean is… don’t give up… embrace your gift… embrace your failures… living life is all we got… so you are a fish that can’t climb a tree… oh well… look for the ocean and set yourself free… 

Believe me when I say you will fail… what that means is up to you… it was never up to me or anyone for that matter… embrace the fail… embrace the pain… grow to be better than anyone could ever believe…. will it hurt… yes… will it suck… you best believe… in the darkest hole… the darkest time… the darkest moment… we grow our fucking wings…. So keep swinging…. keep trying… and if I’m wrong… if it doesn’t work out… know that at least you tried… trying is what it is all about… trying is all that we need… prove those fucks unable to even try that you are right…. flap those wings and lets ride… 

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Please leave a comment if you can… or a review of any kind… I don’t care about the money… tell me I suck… I don’t care… I want to be better… seems pointless but every little bit helps… we are struggling… I just want to be better at the one thing I care about… in that.. I need your help… in this together…. Thank you… for all that you do… 

Will It Ever Rain Again?…

Dragging The Lake For Things I Already Know

Taking it out on me, I get it
Shut your mouth, where do I begin?
Carving out a likeness in stone
A distance within reach
I see you, but did you ever see me?
Selfish, what isn’t about me
Selfless, tearing flesh from bone
A theme as of late, collecting all the things
Take inventory of every scorn
Each slight against one another
The silence speaks more than the screaming
Thought you were my brother, couldn’t be more wrong
As much as I am right
I hear what you are saying
But fuck you anyway
If you couldn’t fucking tell
I am hurting
Maybe one day you could forgive
Whatever it is that I did
Without knowing, until then let the war
Let all this shit continue
I’ll be waiting as I always have

Expecting me to say sorry
You should know already
God forgives not me
Hate me if you must
But know I’ll be waiting
Anger will fade
Maybe the pain stays the same
Not always right, never willing to admit the truth
I’m only human
Said all I am willing to say

 

Tear You Apart

Drag your soul through hell
What part of I will
Love you forever
Do you not understand
Sinking nails into your brain
Filling your thoughts with so much pain
The words don’t always mean the same
Forgettable and lame
My love will always be the same
An endless devotion to killing you
How can you not understand
What I mean when I say
I love you

 

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These were… are personal… one is about a friend… another about… well love and what it really means… our partners are something special… I’m stealing this next thought from somewhere… but we just download all this shit onto others… fuck it… I don’t want it… you can have it… right… wrong… how it is… there is only so much shit that we can stand… harbor… endure… relationships are more important than we know… correction… healthy relationships are more important than we know… 

Sometimes we take advantage of situations that we are in… the people we really love… it is easy to do… are we monsters?… or we human?… it really depends… in most cases we are human… we are being selfish… being ourselves… that’s when it is time to take a step back… realize we can’t always be right… and we can’t always be wrong… it takes a stronger person to admit they are wrong… than the asshole screaming we are right… but when you are right you are right… confusing I know… life is inherently confusing… life at times can seem like shit… 

If you don’t know by now… We take advantage of the people we love the most… because it is easy… because they are already there… every one loves the chase… loves the feeling of getting to know someone new… but being the one… the one who is always there… it isn’t fun… it is essential… there is a balance to all of this shit called life… no one can tell you how to be… when to step back… when to not be selfish… no one can tell you what to do… but if you want to suffer… that’s your fucking problem… that’s a shit thing to say… but life is shit… step back and look at everything… if all fails… fight the war… but know that war… anger… hate… should always be the very last thing anyone should do… there is no shame in coinciding… there is no shame and being like yeah I was fucking wrong… you are not the center of the universe at all times… 

No one ever said being human was fucking easy… if they did… they lied through their fucking teeth… you know what is right and what is wrong… God or no God… you know… I think it is time… time we trying being the best person we can be… no violence… no hate… find yourself frustrated… take a step back rather than a step forward… understand we are all in pain… we are all suffering… and you know what… we are all in this together… today might be the greatest day of your life… but for someone else it might be the worst day they could ever live… respect the balance… be a descent person not because it is right… but because that the way you would want to be treated… be selfish by being selfless… see how it feels… if I’m wrong… I’m fucking wrong… at least you tried… I respect that… 

 

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Watching The World Go By… In Ever Passing Moments…

The Plan

Feelings disappear into the light
Faded but always there
Moments in time seems to last forever
Seconds of thought, a lifetime of regret
Decisions made that can’t be undone
Another day in the life of someone else
Too afraid to take a step
Backwards or forwards there is nothing left
Feelings reappearing every night
Haunting me from the shadows
Crosses burning, signaling a fight
A struggle so unreal that it has to be real life
A thought that doesn’t cross empty minds
Time has a way or remaining all the same
People don’t change only the time and place
Lost in a cycle that can’t possibly end
Given up only to just begin
Suffering was always the ultimate plan

 

Mapping out how I would feel
Planning every occurrence that makes this unreal
A desperation so pure
A rotting life left with no cure

 

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Short post today… I’m not feeling today at all… which is an odd way to say that I am feeling too much… too many thoughts to make any sense… ever passing moment… there is a war inside my head… a battle to keep going on… versus a force that says lay down and die… dig a hole and crawl in… ever passing moment… self-destruction was never my thing… only a dream… locked inside my head… “Want to destroy something beautiful”… what is it that I want to destroy?… when I’m so ugly… scared… broken… the surface still… calm… chaos hidden from view… tearing my throat out… won’t shut up… tearing my soul to pieces… can’t give up… some part of me… still in here… in some way… waiting out the storm… ever passing moment… I’m only trying to live… 

 

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“This chicken is really spicy!!!”… My daughter… made me smile when I wanted to cry… all I added was a hint of pepper… little things that make no sense… change of mood… love her… even if I don’t love myself… comforting to know I love at all… 

I Am The End Of All Your Dreams…

Today will be a little different from normal… or a lot of the same… depends on how you view my odd writing style… today I answer questions from you… well three of you… I appreciate the three of you very much… the rest of you… the rest of you must have just been too busy… whatever… I get… I have a life too… I think… So lets open up that mail bag and see what we’ve got… (All responses are my own… and do not reflect the thoughts and opinions of those of us that work at Is That A Funeral?… Any allusion to anyone person living or dead… is probably on purpose…)

First question. “Why do you suck?” brought to us by Jesus. 

Well, thank you Jesus… all I have to say to your oh so serious question… Big talk from someone who couldn’t even write their own story… drops the mic… 

Next up we have two questions from Ms. Lemons herself. Fuck The Lemonade if you are nasty.  “How are you?” and “What would you like to drink?”

At the moment I am great… I may or may not have had too much to drink already… I mean I am answering a question from Jesus… but I’m also not running in the streets naked… screaming come and get me while swing a bat at the cops… I just gave away my plans for this evening… damn…  as for what I like to drink… it varies… depending on my mood… and if I have any money… but… Whiskey and ginger ale… is a hit around this homestead… I mean… drinking is bad… how dare you ask me such questions… young lady… wildly inappropriate… or right on target?… so very unsure… next… : )

Question 3 comes from the amazing Lisa @LismorePaper, “Maybe you have said before, but the penguin, is there a story?”

With me there is always a story… haha… sadly this one isn’t very exciting… there is a great debate here at Chewing On Glass… whether I created the image myself or if I found it… I proclaim that I drew it myself… my wife on the other hand believes that I found it… to be honest that makes way more sense… because I can’t draw for shit… I have tried to reverse google search the image… and I can’t find it…  so that leads me to believe that I did it myself… that’s the pretext to this story… 

The penguin… at this point has to be my spirit animal… fun fact I re-watched Fight Club recently and the narrator’s spirit animal also happens to be a penguin… which I must admit made me smile… I don’t know if I have ever mentioned I am a huge fan of Chuck Palahniuk… getting off point… I have always been drawn to Antarctica… or penguins for that matter… maybe it is the subtext of isolation… yet with a family… the idea of an island… the idea that the only way to truly see me is to visit?… so much to unpack there… 

To answer your question though… the penguin became “my symbol” because when I signed up for this website… it was the only image I had on my writing computer… I had every intention to go back and changes it… but I’m pretty lazy… haha… so it became my calling card… the cute amongst the blood… along with the pain… a contradiction of sorts… proving I’m not completely lost… just a little broken…  also Mel really liked it… and as she was an early friend… I let it stay… I was going to change it to the bloody words… or something else that I have worked on… but for all reasons above… why?… 

Digging deep within the bag of questions. We have the one and only… Fox… Over on Low On Juice. “What’s the worst mistake you’ve ever done?”

You are amazing kid… but wow… real dark right out the gate… haha…

My worst mistake… I’ve been thinking about this for the last few days… I mean it could be a couple of things… it could have been have the time I killed that homeless man while his dog watched… should have killed the dog too… I just couldn’t bring myself to hurt something so innocent… : )… that’s a reference to American Psycho… by another one of my favorite authors… Bret Easton Ellis… it could have been dropping out of college… hell it could have been getting married… having a kid… moving to Texas… not killing myself at sixteen because I was bored… the things about mistakes kid… is that they happen… and it doesn’t matter… it is how you handle them that matters… 

Yeah, I dropped out of college… oh well… I went to figure out what I wanted to do… I wanted to do this… could it have been easier with a degree?… doubtful but who knows… was it settling down?… I have a connection with my wife that I don’t have with anyone else in the world… having a kid?… I have a chance of creating the coolest fucking kid in the world… or another asshole.. jury is out… haha… moving to Texas… that one was tough… I gave up a lot for that… looking back though… after I got through all the shit… I have gained a lot… not killing myself… I wouldn’t have met you… hands down… worth living…

Maybe I do nothing… maybe I become the next Stephen King… doesn’t matter… it is about moments… it is about pulling through… mistakes happen… we all fuck up… but riding out the storm…  how you handle it all… that’s what it takes to be a man… to be a woman… to be a person on this earth… shit happens… mistakes happen… life happens… I am far from perfect… but what separates me from what I see… is that I get back up and I try again… I fucking try… at what ever I do… it may seem easy… none of this is easy… 

You can have goals… and you should… but know that the real goal should always be… be the best person you can be… yeah someone else will be more lucky… someone else will have more… some one else will whatever the fuck… end of the day are you the best person you can be?… did you do everything that you are capable of doing?… that’s what people truly judge you on… not your mistakes… you’ve got a good head on those shoulders… keep at it… and you will be fine… don’t linger on the things that don’t matter… if you fuck up make it right… know that you are human… know that we all make mistakes… 

 

Songs for you to hear… because that’s who I am… Vacant Skies by Sparta… The Grudge by Tool.. and The Patient by Tool… I hope you enjoy… 

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Thank you to all that submitted a question… you are awesome… and I thank you from the bottom of my heart… it may seem black and hollow at times… but that is only the way it seems… because of you… it is full of love… and I thank you…

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Broken Thoughts… Good For Your Health?…

Probably not… but here we go anyway… 

 

Share A Time In Your Life When You Were Embarrassed?

So glad that you asked… my first post… had no fucking idea what I was doing… three days in I was thinking… why did I even bother… should give up and quit… now these words and thoughts are all over the internet… how could I ever believe I would connect with anyone in this world… then it happened… a like… one like… meant more to me than anything had in years… someone actually thought my thoughts were worth a like… my whole attitude towards this mess… changed… rode the “like” dragon for a while after that… but that is a whole other story… so if you hate or like anything that I am doing you can thank the liker… Little Fears… it is all his fault… 

 

Why Do Some Kids Use Drugs?

This is always something that I have gotten… but then at the same time don’t understand at all… I drink and I do other things that I shouldn’t… I’d main line caffeine if I thought it could keep my eyes open for five more minutes… I’m not above it… I’m not above anything… I believe in free will… good or bad… we need to make our own choices… that is life to me… but if you can watch Requiem For A Dream… and right after be like Heroin looks like a fun drug… go fuck yourself… because that is all you are doing… there is no escape from all of this… we can visit… we can think that there is… but this is fucking life… as shitty and as grand as it can be… this is it… with that said I’ve never done acid… and I’ve heard nothing but bad things… torn between my beliefs… my responsibilities… the reality of life… so why do some kids use drugs?… because they want the escape… they want to take that escape hatch to some place else… not to Wonderland… not to greatness… but a darkness that I never want to understand… 

Also… watch Requiem For A Dream… fuck the US anti drug campaign… that is all anyone should ever need… There is also Candy... Trainspotting… you know what don’t do fucking drugs… the shit is awful… if you want to get high… go run or… you know what go help someone less fortunate than you… Life is fucking hard… and I love you… Destroying yourself… will never lead to something better… 

 

What Feelings Do You Have The Most Trouble Expressing?

Face to face?… honesty… I’m a great fucking liar… I like too… I enjoy the shit out of it… not change your life… fuck you over lies… but know that if I retell a story about anything we have done… how our day went… that shit is going to be epic… which is odd… because when I write… when I do the first draft of these blogs and thoughts… it is so easy to say the truth… so easy that it is boring… I go back… think how would I say this to your face… 

With that said… the only person I have no problem being honest to their face… is my wife… we have to lie to our children… when they are young at least… and even then I try not too… in fact my wife is always telling me to dial it back… she is three… haha… but I can’t lie to my wife… she has my heart on a string…  a life support that I need… but face to face?… you and me?… I’m probably lying about something…

 

When You Are Alone And No One Can See You or Hear You, What Do You Like To Do?

First off… am I in a fucking coma?… because I have a three-year old… with the worst case of ADHD I could possible imagine… that I have long since abandon my believe on the subject… this shit is real people… love that monster… but she is fucking crazy… honestly I feel bad for the rest of you… haha… good luck… I did my best… 

This question should be pretty obvious… I like to write… I always have… since I was thirteen… back when I thought writing was just writing words that rhythm… so yesterday… haha… seriously… early me… “I like gopher guts in gruel… because I hate school”… that’s real… hey… be jelly… thirteen year old me was fucking awesome… that’s why I had no friends and endless time to fail… fail I did… so hard… fun fact of life… you have to fail… failure is the only way to get better… well that an repetition… but if you aren’t failing… what the fuck are you doing?… 

 

What Is Your Favorite Food?

Yakisoba… all fucking day every fucking day… specifically… yakisoba from this tiny ass noodle shop in Misawa Japan… Cheese Roll Noodle… no idea if that is the real name of the place… but that is what we called it… when I lived there… the food… the food is so fucking good… I miss Japan every day… most of all I miss that place… if I could live there I would… no need for pay… just feed me… well now I’m depressed… too far from home I suppose… if you are ever in that tiny ass town in northern Japan… you have to go there… because what else are you going to do?… get drunk at train park?… 

I miss Japan so much… when I was there I didn’t really care for Anime… now that I am here in the US… I love Anime… Manga… not just for their apparent greatness… I’ve gotten ahead of myself… I like Anime’s that deal with every day life… because I miss the street signs… I miss the roads… I miss the fucking exit signs… Mini Stop food… the hundred Yen stores… the weather… the smells… the shrines… everything… Air Gear I hear is a shit Anime… love that shit… not enough shots of the locations though… Chobits… amazing… FLCL… the end shots of the streets… I miss Japan every day… 

 

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I hope you enjoyed this edition of Broken Thoughts… All questions came from that Ungame…. game I talked about a few months back… I know… that was supposed to be a thing… never turned out that way… alright I’m done sharing… enjoy your day… thanks for sitting through the madness… to learn a little bit more about me… 

 

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One Year Ago… From The Heart…

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What a year it has been… a lot has gone down… a lot has been said… a lot of things have changed… I grew a lot in this year… from who I am to closer to who I want to be… I could be a selfish ass and take all the credit… believe me I want to be… but no…

No… all this is thanks to you… yeah you… each and every one of you for reading… liking… commenting… and being who you are… you have all helped me grow as a person… as a writer… as a father… and as a friend… you have all been there for me when I was down… lifted me back up when I needed it…been there for me when I didn’t think I could go on… I could name names… but that wouldn’t be fair… it has been everyone… thank you… from the bottom of my heart… Thank you… 

With my heart filled with joy… here is to another year… a year filled with stories and poetry… broken thoughts and shitty advice… because we all know you are here for the pure enjoyment of words and not for me to kiss your ass… : )

Yeah… I know none of this was dark… but you all bring out the best in me… damn you… 

With all the love a black heart can come up with… thank you…

Layne Ambrose 7/29/18

 

(I’m sure you thought I was going to sell you something… But that is tomorrow… this is today… I think I have links… if I don’t… oh well… I’m just glad you are here today… maybe it is time for a face lift?… speaking of… Great album by Alice In Chains… just saying… best tracks… It Ain’t Like That or Sunshine… but those are deep cuts… We Die Young… great opener… I’ll shut up now… if you promise to listen… )