Broken Thoughts… Collecting Points For A Better Soul…

The blood tasted fresh at first
A sickening feeling in my heart
Hands around your throat
If this is love then I hate the taste
The way you make me feel
Dying inside, scratching at the casket
The earth tasted fresh at first
A sickening feeling in my head
Broken neck syndrome
If this is love then I hate the taste
The only way it could have been
Only way any of this ever ends

Killing off, cutting off the dead limbs…

So much pain
Digging down, buried within
Took everything to get here
My soul, all the blood
Still so far to go
Getting up seems to be
The hardest part
Crawling out of the grave all along
A home, a thought I created myself
Blame those around me
Forever lying to myself
The thoughts come to me
In a dying song my heart can’t stop
Singing

So you think any of this matters…

Hollowed out soul
Give me all of your shit
Addicted to you
Gun stuck in my throat
Give me more
I’d live but it is not
Everything I thought it would be
Hung over, burnt out
All I wanted was to escape
Came back running
Too afraid of who I could be
Without you next to me

I promises this isn’t becoming a thing… but let’s talk about that last one… It could easily be about a person… might even read that way to you… could easily have been about cigarettes for me… would fit right into how I felt when I tried to quit… but for me it was about alcohol… I didn’t get full blown addicted to alcohol… which is why I was able to write something so clearly… When I tried to write during the time I tried to quit smoking… it was dark… unclear… and I buried it all deep away… when I say it was dark… you know I’m not fucking around…

Addiction can be… is something… that a lot of us can’t escape… I wasn’t even that far along in my alcohol downward spiral… and I still think about it nearly every day… I think for me I was still in that “searching for a feeling phase”… not in “this is me phase” that I am in with cigarettes… point is I was able to get out from under alcohol… I can’t get out from the cigarettes… yes I am aware that is an excuse… I’ve made peace with it… addiction is different for everyone… some addictions are worse than others…

When I hear about people addicted to heroin… it breaks my heart… especially when it is people younger than me… it is a death sentence… not a matter of if… but a matter of when… I can’t judge… we all do what we have to do to see the end of the day… but heroin… pain killers… I’ve never heard… read… or seen any happy stories that end well with heroin… the sooner you seek help the better… never taking them is even better… I can imagine how coming off that shit must feel… and I know I wouldn’t even come close to how it really feels…

I get trying something… I get finding out for yourself… but there are just somethings in this world you shouldn’t fuck with it… I’m no fucking saint… no role model for the next generation… but staying away… seeking help… is all that I can say…

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Broken Thoughts… Sifting Through The Ashes…

Words locked inside my head
Feeling as if I’ve always been dead
Looking for a past I can remember
A future without any limits
Parts of me left unknown
Without anything to show
Digging away at the wall
A dark place where I learned to fall
The shattered pieces never add up
If I figured it out would I even know
What I am looking for in all of this

You can’t buy time. You can pay for it but you can’t buy it.

No one understands anything they say
Death in the family same as before
What is the difference between feeling and felt
What is a question with too many answers
I know at some point I must leave
Dreading the day this doesn’t make sense
Waiting for my time
A reason to become who I am

Killers are the same as you.

Rebuilding myself from nothing
Dead inside
Lost and lonely
That’s been every day for years
Somehow this time feels different
Some ways it feels like the first time
Little deaths didn’t prepare me
For anything like this
An empty feeling inside my chest

What does that mean for the rest of us?

A constant drag on my soul
The need to let go is overwhelming
Never have I, never will I
Hating has become something more
Consuming my burning soul
A truth I can’t ignore
Imagine myself as someone else
Same archetype every time
Do onto others as they do onto me
The scars burned across my skin
There is no escaping what I am
No balance in the world
Even if I believe it to be

 

Let’s talk about that last one… hate is so strong… filled with
insecurities… filled with so much shit… I don’t see the point… if you
really hate something… you care about it more than anyone… anything else…
if you really didn’t care… you’d ignore it… be like fuck it… doesn’t
matter… I try to not let hate consume me… not because it is bad… we were
born to fear and hate… it comes so natural it disgusts me… I try to not
hate because I don’t want to care…

For instance… I hate my father… I don’t want to… I don’t even want
to think about him… but I can’t stop no matter how much I tell myself to just
quit thinking about him… I forget about him from time to time… and then
something stupid happens… then it is all I can think about… What I would
say if I saw him again… How I would act… all the hate I’d lay down on
him… all the things I could say to destroy him… It is a nice fantasy I live
from time to time… What I really hope though… that if it ever happens… if
I ever see that fat faded fuck face… is that I just walk away…

As much hate as I carry… as much hate that consumes my thoughts… I
hope I am man enough to just walk away… he deserves no part of me… no part
of my life… in so many ways I wish I could just throw him away like he did to
me… but life never works out that way… “No balance in the world…
Even If I believe it to be”… That’s when we have to just walk away…

So what does any of that have to do with that last Broken Thought?… There comes a time in racism… in hate… where you just have to let go… fine they don’t
like me because…. of my skin… of where I’m from… of how much money I
have… of what the fuck ever… Then they aren’t good enough to know who I
am… their loss not mine… You should always stand up for yourself… for
others… but there are times where walking away… doing your own thing…
does more than any other action could… Don’t let the hate consume you…

 

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Broken Thoughts… Rocking The Microphone With No Panties…

Sunken days spent with words I don’t know
Bogged down by the weight of your body
Dead and bloated by all the lies
Kisses from the underground
Scared lips trembling
The trepidation comes from within

It’s a long walk to hell and no one is willing to do it alone…

Blinking lights in the distant desert
Broke down on the way to nowhere
How I miss heaven
A lonely place I’ve never known
Heading north with everything
Still left to go behind me
Look how far I’ve come
Going no where at all
A sinking feeling left out in the sun
I’m drowning for no reason at all
Still trying to live even after all this time
Never quite learned the reasons why
Missing home despite all the things
I despise
Unwelcome, untethered, unable to explain
All the reasons to my isolation
Blinking lights in the desert

It’s not that hard to pretend… Just keeping it up is such a bitch…

“That sounds like modern slavery.” Shrugs, “Anything can sound that way if you look too deep into it. That’s not the point. If you are worth anything someone will find a way to exploit it.” Smirks, “That wasn’t the question. The question is how much are you willing to give? But hey in the meantime you get to be a fucking superhero. So you know good with the bad I suppose.” I finish washing my hands and go back to work.

What works for one doesn’t work for the other… Like a fucking Band Aid… I’m just trying to hang on…

Prepared for the worst
Prepared for nothing at all
The knife goes in
Without any resistance at all

Never cared you were only bored…

Looking away from the crimes of others
Focused solely on my own shame
My place in this fucked up mess
Who am I if I am not me
Starving for attention, bleeding from the brain
Rags to riches only to complain
Life is such a worthless place
Carry the burden of a thousand sons and daughters
People whose faces I have never seen
Couldn’t recognize me or the time and place
Lost in their own little worlds
Absorbing their belief in my faith
Shallow but right on point

Couldn’t get away fast enough…

Poison into the vein
Makes me feel sane
Tapping into something new
My newest addition
To the same fucking thing
The anger consumes
All that we know
The rages fuels
All this bullshit
Wrong, it is your fucking
Ignorance
Head so far up your ass
Hard to tell where you begin
And where you should end

Took those panties off on this one… haha… funny to maybe three of us in the whole world… When There’s No More Room… is over and that was that… Big plans for the next section of my plan… which means I will be out for a moment in time… taking a real break this time… a lot of false alarms… but I need to get my shit together… put it in a box so to speak… haha… funny to maybe one person in the whole world…

So this isn’t good bye… or so long… just a moment in time… Thoughts in my head… should be back by July… but I’m really shitty with time… baby I can’t quit you forever… next project should be more organic… a little more put together… compared to week to week… I’m excited about the next project… despite not having any real plan… riding by the seat of my pants… asshole swinging in the air… haha… okay that was only funny to me… thank you for riding out this dark time in my life… but lets forget that shit and move the fuck on… : )

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Broken Thoughts… Looking To Turn My Piss Into Wine…

There seems to be a miscommunication
Between my brain and heart
Mixed signals firing off as emotions
The thought was always there
Back of my mind, deep within
A masked conundrum hidden in an enigma
Read the dictionary recently
Didn’t take anything from it but a few words
They related to hurt, hurting, and love
Lies but I don’t know which ones
Forgot to remind myself what was wrong
The hidden pictures trapped within
Flies circling the corpse that I have become
Trapped in an endless loop
They relate to death, dying, and life

If you’ve told me once I know I never listened

Joined a cult and I’ve never felt more at home
We call ourselves humanity
Sick thoughts pushed by blood
Better suited as ourselves inside
What is a name without any meaning?
What is a feeling you can’t feel?
Empathy lost on the lonely
Sick idea filled with shit
Only care about ourselves
Better suited to pretend
What are we without any pain?
What is a reason you don’t understand?
Lying to myself once again
Never belonged only snaked my way in
Couldn’t help but fit in

Took all of this and ran with it

Feeling it coming from all sides
A flame, a sensation that doesn’t stop
Burn me down so I can rise again
I’m not afraid of my place
Maybe it is time to embrace
Maybe it is time for things to be my way
Stop and fucking think for a second
Giving in was never worth the prize
A death, a sensation that will signal the end
Fall down only to get back up
Say it over and over again
A broken chant you need to memorize
Light the bonfire and jump in
Let’s get this going already
Light as a feather
Stiff as a fucking board

It’s not appropriate to the current situation

Carrying the weight of everything with every step
What I was told was not what is true
World built upon lies, bullshit we tell ourselves
Dumpster fire with no regrets
Shedding skin to relieve myself
Hate myself but what choice did I ever have
The words hurt and maybe they were supposed to
Standing up to all the shit
Tired of forcing myself to fit

Driving on an endless road… shouting out broken thoughts… that make no sense… no I haven’t gone crazy… part of the process… testing out voice to texted limitations… spreading the madness with no hands… been thinking… what if everyone knew all my thoughts?… what would I write about then?… what would I do with all these god damn dreams?… then I thought… what the fuck am I doing with them now?… guess it doesn’t matter what I think if none of it is real… yeah the questions don’t breed answers… only thoughts…

Staring at an empty screen… thinking of what to say… when I don’t have anything to say today… a lie I can’t live up to… never shut the fuck up… an endless fucking avalanche of thought… running out of all the things that will make me rot… too much free time that I don’t know what to do… so many free moments that I forgot… what is a dream but unactuated thoughts… like the words we make up… nothing at all… broken ideas of a thought…

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With The Bodies Piling Up In The Corner… I Thought You Should Know…

Head Seems Stuck

Fucking asshole with a face
Spewing your toxic shit all over me
Who the hell do you think you are
No one at all
Follow along because I don’t know better
Woke to an idea
An idea that doesn’t mean shit
Respect is a worthless term
What am I worth to your overall need
Burning down your broken ideas
Inhaling this feeling, go away
Lost, trapped, where have you been?
Is god supposed to mean something
To the devil it is all the same
An honesty that can’t be hidden
Rethink what you believe
In a world of lies
Stacking shit miles high
Stacking piles of you all along the road
Life was worth so much more
When it was worth nothing at all

All Worked Up

Shaking your ass like no one gives a shit
Blind to your own pain
Take away all the anger
Only left with shame
How I’ve longed to feel the same
Centerfold for all my hate
Spreading your ass like no one means a thing
Numb to your own vanity
Took away all the essence
Of a being
My heart was sold on a first glance
Sold my soul for a taste
Need a name, registration
Living under the tree of your needs
The blood flows through the roots
Extension of an idea
The tension is killing me
Each gust of wind pushing harder
Digging out my own grave
Fall into the silence of an endless existence
Bodies piling up in the corner
I thought you should know
They’re all for something more
Worship, adore, used, useless
Distasteful way of saying
I’ve saved the best for last

Another poem about work?… yeah fuck that place… not sure what about work… but I don’t need a reason to be pissed off about that place… I mean they want me to interact with these walking asshole and be happy about it?… as if… Work isn’t that bad most days… that was hard to type… it really isn’t… I could be doing worse things… what they are… I’m not sure… but if I was doing them… I could tell you right away… haha…

Poem 2 is dirty… digging a grave isn’t easy… if you have done it… you know what I am talking about… cheap joke… what you come here for… poem 2 is about a serial killer… or a murderer… the want… the obsession… the dissatisfaction… and the need for more… I didn’t research this in the field… hell I didn’t even mean to write it… Netflix is just over saturated with true crime documentaries… and I have a want… an obsession … a dissatisfaction… and a need to watch them all…

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Broken Thoughts… Exaggerating My Importance To Society…

A place I once knew
A thought I thought
Understood by only me
This is for everything you’ve done
Everything you’ve become
A nightmare I once knew
A thought I thought
Understood by no one
This is for everything you’ve written
Everything you’ve become
A heart I once knew
A thought that over takes me
Understood you’d understand
This is everything you’ve meant to me
Everything I thought you were
Take the breath right out of me
Took the words out of my soul
Taken everything I used to be

Does any of it matter?

A break between the waves
Air, water, food the rest is pointless
Conditioned to believe I’m doing the right thing
Sacrifice, suffer, endure only a symptom
A schism from underground
Realizing now the end was never the point
The present was always the tomb

If none of it ever did?

The devil’s making her way inside
Her cape draped, drips with crimson
The genius that it is
A flashing image of imagination
A reality stuck in my head
Why is it we question anything that is said?
Why is it we want to be lead so blindly?
God told me once, said some shit about shutting the fuck up
The secrets we’re never meant to be spoken
Only thought about in the darkness of the mind
The dark ages such a lovely time
Truth spread like a plague, killing all of those who said
The age of information, the day of reckoning around the corner
A sin with nothing to say
Are you, is anyone ever prepared for the truth?
Are you, is anyone willing to?
Dancing blindly in the dark
The world was never yours
What give you the belief heaven is any different?
Her trail of crimson grows with every step

Dying inside is a solitary burden.

No one tries to take anything from you
They just did
Selfish and selfless
Explain the meaning and tell me the difference
To get something from nothing
And make it last
Has to be the hardest of all
A diamond in a sea of shit
Shinning but muted
Explain the meaning and tell me the difference

Really need to change this image… need to do a lot of things… won’t go into a long rant right now… not really up to it… just trying to get through the day… feeling lazy… well I’m feeling like I want to take on a million things… and nothing at all at the same time… does that makes sense?.. yeah… I don’t get it either…

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All The Things You Expect Of Me… And Then Some…

I Can Almost Reach

My shame burned into my face
Feeling the words more than I want
Stabbing you deep inside me
A feeling that means so much
Only for a moment in time
Forever locked away
This is the land of opportunity
Each level requires registration
Skin and blood have much in common
In that they are never enough
The color isn’t black and white
Off color green, dead beliefs burned into
Everything we say
Nothing matters when you are free
Up on a cross to get away
Crucifixion means more than
We’d like to believe
A faith in nothing leaves only a lost feeling
Take what you can get
Shape it into something
Turn it into freedom, chains dangling at your feet
Unbroken chains we pay to escape
Nothing ever goes away
Doesn’t matter what you believe
Everything will always be
Just out of reach

Running Out of Ink

Trapped in a parasitic existence
Looking into the eyes of those you hurt
Future unavoidable, forever left failing
Doing it right is doing it wrong
Giving it everything is all that we know
Trapped, left incomplete, purpose
Reasons never explained
Always pushed in our faces
We say
We understand
Have we, could we, hold me
The truth is there is no reason
Hard to swallow a shallow existence
Doing it wrong is doing it right
Fall in place marching to your death
Same as me, same as the rest
A million progressions going every way
Tracing a path to the same place
Ink foaming at the mouth
Spitting blood, are you sick?
Living with it
Future wrote before it has been read
How does it feel to be so human?
What does it matter if it never mattered?
Questioning everything to do with
Your existence

If you look really close at the image… you may notice the concrete in the background…

I’m really proud of the first one… I almost saved it for submissions… but fuck it… I’m sure it would just be rejected like everything else… I don’t like to brag or think that I am this great writer… but… there are some great lines in this one… The first part is weird… a lot of weird phrasing about how I hate my job and station in life at the moment… Then a bunch of lines about how the world is trying to fuck me… no matter how hard I fight it… or you fight it… or anyone… because no matter where you are in life… the next step is just as hard… if not harder than the last one… so enjoy it now because it is only going to suck more tomorrow…

So what the fuck does that mean?… give up?… fight harder?… it means whatever the fuck you want it to mean… we are all at different levels… some of us want to go to the top…. some don’t… but don’t let the dream fool you into believing everything will be better if… yeah if… if I had this… if I had that… if I was there… if I had done this… If is whatever you want it to be… we are all chasing it… but none of us ever catch it… ask around… if we get the time we can all cry about it later… such is life…

Poem 2… was originally called Existence… it was kind of lame… it was similar in tone as the last one… except with having to do with the outside world… it had more to dealing with the one in my head… Kind of a full day for me… I get all worked up about the outside self… calm myself down… and start thinking about how fucked up I am on the inside… how I’m not good enough… how I’ll never get any where in life… doing everything right is doing it wrong… because no matter what I do… still in the same place…

From here it is a basic downward spiral… that’s my day in condensed form… really though I’d say it is more like a heart rate monitor… up and down at a rapid speed until the end of the day where it is more like this………….^…………………

I’m sure an image would have been much easier to understand… but I like making you work for it… haha… there’s no good transition to end this… so that was that… I guess… Ambrose out… no… that was pretty lame… hope all is well…

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