Something Different… In Your Own Words… Special Guest…

Untitled (Perspective In The Infinite…)
By: Unnamed Special Guest

I choke with every breath of air
It stands still and it tastes stale
I cringe at all the sounds of life
They shake my bones and make them frail
I find it harder everyday to keep the things
That make me care

I feel gravity dragging me down
It’s thick and heavy and very loud

Every breath a gasp and blink a weep
It feels easier to let the dark creep
Into my mind and let it drain
Into my veins so they seep

I feel gravity dragging me down
It’s thick and heavy and very loud

I think of final vitals, it wanders through my mind
It sends a lovely shiver up and into my spine
These thoughts and feelings never subside
I wish that I could have a hole
A place to hide, my last home

I feel gravity dragging me down
It’s thick and heavy and way too loud

I’ll find a way to make it end
Not by conclusion, but my own hand
Take the illusion, the one I had
Erase it all, now its not so bad

I feel gravity dragging me down
It’s thick and heavy and way too loud

I’ve been wanting to post this for awhile… the statement behind… rings very true… I didn’t write this in case you missed the by line… I did name it as it was presented to me as Untitled… I enjoy titles… Overall I enjoyed this whole poem… things that stuck out to me though… was the reference to The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath… If you have yet to read the one and only novel by Plath… I highly suggest you do… It is heart breaking and amazing… similar to how I feel about this poem…

The writer… deals with depression on a daily basis… I know a lot of us here suffer from something similar… I also know that a lot of us feel as though it is only us… it would be nice if none of us had to ever feel depression at all… but it is also nice to know we are not alone in this… That’s what I enjoyed the most about this poem… the perspective…

By The Way… You’ve Been Invited…

Yet to Begin

Broken hearted, lost in thought, a dreamer
This world is not what I thought it was
Seeing through the mystery
Searching through the fog that surrounds me
Dark cloud, casted shadow, shallow grave
Three feet in and all ready to begin
Working my way deeper
The abyss was never staring back at me
Always surrounding me
The walls of my prison
The home I’ve always known
Where to escape when there is nowhere to go
Questioning your line of questioning
Scratching at the walls, tearing flesh from bone, hand of broken nails
Heard it all before
Stolen ideas taken as my own
Programmable program, humanity spreads like a virus
No longer do I want to be part of your hived mind bull shit
Fitting in is nothing I ever wanted
So why does it feel, feel as though I failed
When we all know I have yet to begin

Pressure Rising

The images play out in my head
A vision of something better
This could all be
So much better
This could all be
So much more
Ignorance inherit
Value stupidity
Gave up so I could let you in
Hate myself but I blame them
This could all be
So much better
This could be
So much more
My thoughts inherit
Value selfishness
Allergic reaction to everything you are
A nightly ritual passed down
This could all be
So much better
This could all be
So much more
Harder on myself than I could ever be on you
A confession of honesty
I miss the days where I could say
These things to your face
Lonely and it’s crazy
Because this could all be
So much better
This could always have been
So much more

A return to poems… I have been saving a lot of them for submissions… hints the over abundance of Broken Thoughts… though to be fair to myself… I have a lot more Broken Thoughts… Than poems… These two were actually written last year… Last summer… Yeah I sat them for a minute… I decided to group these two together because they have an off kilter approach to the idea presented… basically they start off as one thing and end as another… pretty much where I was last year…

Were they my best ever?… probably not… at least I hope not… no matter how great something is… I want to get better… I think that is important to every day life… I accept compliments very poorly… because I want to be better… negativity hurts… feels like shit honestly… but they have always driven me to want more… hit too many times with a shovel?… maybe… or maybe it is just human nature… no one vividly remembers the time they one that award… or got that A… but you remember that time some asshole told you would be nothing… getting that F… the fear of explaining your failure to someone else…

Of course I do too… and there is only so much abuse that we can take… but if anything was “special” about me… and we are stressing special beyond its meaning here… is my ability to take all the shit thrown at me and use it to fire up my engines… yeah I’m a machine in this scenario… an old ass model… but it still works the same for the most part… haha… anyway what I mean is… people are going to give you shit… you will fail… but embrace it… fear it… but know that it is the only way to get better… don’t let it get you down… if you really want it… then it is all worth fighting for…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Broken Thoughts… A Mind Field… To Not Step On…

I’m at the end
Only I didn’t know
The beginning could feel
The same way
I’m at the end of everything
Cut my rope, spared my throat
Why is it you feel the need
To lie to me
The real you knows
What it is that you are doing
Driving the nails deeper
Not worth the price in my head
All I ever wanted was for you to love me
Begging for change, it seems I asked too much
Dug a hole, to a place called hell
I mean home
Buried myself in
Knew it when I was at the end
Only I didn’t know
It would be you dancing on my grave
At the end of everything
Couldn’t kill me
Cut my rope, spared my throat

The silence is crippling

Living through this time
Feels like a walking suicide
Take my hand and lead the way
I’ve given in, tell me what to say
Fill me with all of your lies
A waking nightmare
Another drink and I’ll be fine
A fucking joke, words lost on me
Take my hand and lead the way
To the cliff that hangs
Push me off, can’t resist
Your lies have always been
Everything to me
Does it make you sad
To know what you do
Living through this with you
Has always been more than I could
Ever say

The loneliness is isolating

Silently leading me to my own death
Your venom sinks into my skin
A kiss on my lips
Is all this has ever been
One more day and I’ll be fine
Longest day of my life
Breaking me down inside
Until I’m nothing but
On display
Don’t mistake my agony
For love
Twisting the knife in my vein
You have a hand in everything
Drinking to make the pain go away
Living through this time
Feels like a walking suicide
Take my hand and lead the way
Dug my own grave
I do until this
Ends

Kill myself to prove a point

An endless decision
Without any conclusion
Like suffering where you stand
Here I am

This one was pretty long… You know you’ve had too many… when how to spell conclusion… escapes you… don’t forget to tip your waitresses… servers is the more politically correct term… sucking on a tail pipe… another day crossed of my list… a fucking fool… in sheep’s clothing… basically signing the fuck off… taking a bow… I don’t deserve…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Digging A Grave… Just Encase…

This Is All

You’d walk through broken glass
Just to get away from me
You’re such a tortured soul
Getting all that you deserve
Starting to believe I’m addicted to pain
All that you seem to provide for me
Heart broken, empty
This is all that you left me
Sowing the words into my skin

You’d eat broken glass
To get away from me
You’re such a tortured soul
Getting all that you deserve
I do believe I’m addicted to this pain
All that you provide for me
Obsolete, hollow
This is all that you left me
Stitching these wounds closed

You’d shit glass
Just to get away from me
You’re such a tortured soul
Getting what I deserve
Embracing this addiction for what its worth
Excepting everything you provide me
Standing, walking away
This is all that you left me
Burning these words into my skin
Over the scars, Over the stitches

Knowing there isn’t anything you wouldn’t do
To get away from me
Is enough to know you were never worth
My love in the first place

Wasting Away

You’d like to watch me fall apart
Full of shit, could anyone tell the difference
Thought I could once
But what is it about you I really know
A stranger in familiar skin
The silence in my head speaks volumes
Need another drink to remember
All the shit you’ve told me
Loving me must have been the hardest thing
Can’t stop leaving me
For what I’m worth
You’d never say
Wasting away
I’d love you through hell
Each and every day
Am I the solution or the problem?
Don’t be the only person who would stay
Just to say they never loved me
Wasting away
Full of shit, could anyone see the difference
This life isn’t worth living
Either is the next
Lost, stuck in this
Don’t know what I want any more
To live or die
Wasting away
Who in my life
Hasn’t lied to me
Trusting anyone seems like a burden
Breathing has become the same
Wasting away
Don’t be another person in my life
Just to say they loved me

Full disclosure… I stole these two lines… From a Stone Sour song called Orchids

Don’t be the only person who would stay
Just to say they never loved me


Except that I changed the last line part from “Left me” to loved me… Normally I don’t do this… but honestly I have been listening to this song so much in the last couple of months… and it is my favorite part of the song… Obviously though it has a flaw because he should have had the line be loved me or “Left me”… we can’t all be perfect…

I’m sure that I am going to take some heat for these two poems… and I wrote them awhile ago… when things were different… could have trashed them… forgot about them… but I didn’t… and I enjoy them enough to share the hurt I have felt over the last few months… because as much as it hurts to pick at the scabs… we are still going to pick at them… nothing is dead if we don’t let it rest… it is time to put these feelings to bed…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Broken Thoughts… The Things I Had Before…

Wish I could think of something else
Nothing comes to mind so I dwell
What could have been, what it is
The past and the present don’t seem
To match the future
Stuck in time, stuck thinking about the times
You meant something more
Something to me that I can’t ignore
The ignorance of our situation
Do I love you or am I just waiting
Wish I could think of something else
Not the words spoken but the ones hidden
Hurt too many times to make this work

A pile of papers with nothing to say…

Going to be one of those days
Dragging myself through hell
A smile and a thought
Doing it to myself
Not nearly as bad as I once thought
Tearing through a lifetime
Night after night
A cold and apathetic thought
What do you mean to me
When you mean everything
Killing all the parts of me that I thought mattered
How wrong I ever was
This is the only way to live a life
With a broken dream
With a big ass smile

“Are you going to act calm, cool, and collected or are you going to run around like someone shit in your mouth?”

An ends to a means
A history rooted in treachery
Knowing why never seemed important
Until you asked
Accepting everything at face value
Crumbling with time
The chains that bind
Who you are and all the reasons why
Who we can be and the reasons why
Questioning everything inside

Was just thinking this picture is rather large… need a smaller version… but then you don’t get the full effect of the image… boring ass day today… but I had fun none the less… I like boring days… to be honest… I look forward to them… nothing going to shit… no one caring what I did or what I am doing… maybe it is a getting older thing?… maybe it is a flashback of my youth?…

Did three hours of yard work… nothing special… maintaining the space I guess… blasting metal at 9 a.m. and waving at the neighbors… they are pretty cool… we all keep to ourselves… I will always like that… I lived in a neighborhood once… where everyone had to be three feet up your ass… what are you doing?… how is the family?… what do you think of this traffic?… checking my mail… you saw them walk into the house so alive… and why the fuck are you hanging out in your front yard like a creep?… I like to keep to myself… haha…

Well I should probably go finish burying the rest of the bodies… got to put the work in if you want to succeed in life… Hope all is well…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

I Don’t Want to Go to Sleep… If This All I Have To Say…

Taking the Wrong Stairs Down

The hurt feels like it will never end
Chain smoking the pain from my head
Got it wrong, but then isn’t it always in the end
Chained myself to a dead weight
Now I’m sinking
Thinking what is that I really need
Air?

The hurt feels like it has been going on for a while
Staring down all the suicidal thoughts from my head
Got it wrong, but then its been that way for a while
Starving myself to a dead weight
Thinking what is it that I really need
Food?

The hurt feels like it has gone on too long
Walling off all traces from my head
Got it wrong, but then isn’t that long enough
Unchained myself to a dead weight
Now I’m confusing
Thinking what is it that I really need
You?

 

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Of course I would return to the warm weather in Texas after a month away in the cold… and get sick… powering through it though… So if this week is all scattered and makes no sense… it’s the sickness… (rolls eyes)… 

Fun highlights of my life right now…

I gave up soda… in a second step to cut out caffeine from my daily life… I feel like punching someone in the throat… so it’s going well… haha… the biggest differences I’ve noticed so far… besides my irritability to anyone who speaks to me… not a whole lot… I’m at that point in my withdraw… where quitting makes no sense… I wasn’t dead before… I was happy… I was a fun person to be around… It made me feel better… I think it is called denial… I’d ask someone… but then I might punch them in the throat… 

I started playing bass guitar again after a sixteen year absence… I’m as awful at it as you are imagining… it’s awesome… bass guitar was the first instrument I got as a kid… I wanted drums… every parents nightmare… my mom talked me into a bass guitar…  I only agreed because Mark Hoppus from Blink-182 was cool… so why not… less than a year later I was begging for drums again… which I eventually got… I played drums through out high school… I just realized there was no point to this story… haha… yeah I need more sleep… 

 

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