The fog is thick against my calloused skin An armor I’m supposed to wear with pride Ashamed to admit it doesn’t make me Feel any better about this life Experiences are all we are made of Cold and calculated Broken hearted Smile the pain away one more time As this life ticks away Every second one more reason Every minute just how it is A burn victim with no symptoms The skin fits tight against my frame Slowly living myself away Invisible scars are all I have To keep me warm at night Against the fog, against the pain We are all here to suffer Think I’ve earned my place by now
The whole thing has left me rather exhausted…
Easier to pick the body apart as it rots As she As she feeds piece by piece Picking apart all the things I thought As she As she tears me apart Still have crimes to answer for Just because I don’t say them Doesn’t mean they don’t consume me A constant nightmare played out in my head Easier to swallow it whole before it rots As she As she constricts my soul Choking me with all my thoughts As she As she tears me apart
I have felt worse things…
Chasing a new kind of enemy A darkness that surrounds me Storm clouds rolling in The thunder shakes the ground Lightning trying to strike me down A hate that comes from within Chasing storms as they roll in A new kind of enemy Hailing down upon me Tornado approaches Standing my ground No more running from my creation Suffering through a new kind of destruction Waiting out the storm that is myself
Nothing changes, never stays the same The present is a waste Looking to the future Stuck in the past Waiting for something new The next thing that wants to kill me A waiting game sitting on my hands Hold me down by the throat if you must Force feed me the pills to silence Won’t make any difference to me Because nothing changes, nothing ever stays the same
Because when you are gone I remember every word you said…
Reflecting on my insecurities Possessive, needy How is it that I make you feel Obsessive, controlling How does it make me feel Dismissive, hating How is it that I make you feel Submissive, defying How does it make me feel An asshole in sheep’s clothing Decisions that you’ve made Won’t go away so, the feelings stay
Become something I’m not…
Drowning out the thoughts with repetitive words Replacing dead memories with empty things Has worked so far Because if I don’t I fall apart Looking at the cracks across the pavement Trying to keep the tears in place, buried in my eyes Drowning out everything with one more drink Replacing dead thoughts with empty ideas Has worked so far Because if I don’t I fall apart Searching for something more among the living Pretending I’m not dead, buried in my eyes Drowning out every depressive thought Hasn’t worked so far Staring at the glass as I pour one more
Loved you from the moment I met you Love you even now as you hold my heart in your hands I’ll love you as I watch you crush it into nothing I’ll love you as you set ablaze I love you because I do It’s not a feeling or a thought Not one moment or a life time Said I wanted to with you until the end of days By your side is all I ever meant to say That’s where I’ve always been Until you decided to walk away Wish I could pretend that none of this felt like this Feels like dying an endless death Wish it didn’t mean anything like you said But I’ve loved you from the first time we met
Life is full of surprises… Destruction of a person…
How many hits does it take to destroy a heart? More than you think Less than what you need
Standing in darkness avoiding all the light…
Bleeding for one Bleeding for control Lifeless, dead, nothing left Break me, I’m broken Hate, I’m hating Wait, I’m waiting Live, This is life Get the point? Because I’m not
Took a long ass time… finally closing the chapter on the thoughts from last year… almost all caught up on my notes… yeah… I write a lot… all the time if I can… mostly Broken Thoughts and poems… but I’m starting to write stories again… Not quite like riding a bike… unless you are supposed to smash your face into the ground while riding a bike?… Not sure… haven’t wrote a bicycle in a very long time…
Well I’m not going to start now so I’ll never know… what I do know is that this part of the thoughts is done… get them down and get them out… hope all is well…
Twisting me, turning me The waves swept me away With every breath, every gasp of air But the words already left my soul Losing everything only seemed right What I deserved After losing you nothing could compare Took longer to die Than it took to realize the words were always there The images play out But the words always remain The pain it must have took to tuck me in Cover me up with a blanket of lies Walked out to sea one last time To see the stars behind your cold dead eyes Took me in once, what is one more time? Prayed to something I don’t believe Offered my soul to take the pain away Had no idea, a price I couldn’t afford
To do is to suffer…
How is it that I can be so wrong While being so right God gave me what I needed I wasted it all on me Giving in was much easier Than I thought it could be Religion, religious text states Pride before the fallen A complete circle turned into a habit I miss you though I don’t have to A distant memory forced to forget Pushing feelings aside only to wonder why I’d kill myself to just relive it all again Jesus is said to have died for my sins Cardinal rules I was forced to break Now I’m broken with only a reason to blame You are more me than I am you
Not hung over… Just wish I had more…
Spelling out my love with the blood How much more do you need The debts are so profound Give you every last drop for a lifetime Would that be enough? What I promised could never be enough Or have you forgotten? Maybe it is you who should rethink What I mean to you Forever and a day was never long enough
The blood tasted fresh at first A sickening feeling in my heart Hands around your throat If this is love then I hate the taste The way you make me feel Dying inside, scratching at the casket The earth tasted fresh at first A sickening feeling in my head Broken neck syndrome If this is love then I hate the taste The only way it could have been Only way any of this ever ends
Killing off, cutting off the dead limbs…
So much pain Digging down, buried within Took everything to get here My soul, all the blood Still so far to go Getting up seems to be The hardest part Crawling out of the grave all along A home, a thought I created myself Blame those around me Forever lying to myself The thoughts come to me In a dying song my heart can’t stop Singing
So you think any of this matters…
Hollowed out soul Give me all of your shit Addicted to you Gun stuck in my throat Give me more I’d live but it is not Everything I thought it would be Hung over, burnt out All I wanted was to escape Came back running Too afraid of who I could be Without you next to me
I promises this isn’t becoming a thing… but let’s talk about that last one… It could easily be about a person… might even read that way to you… could easily have been about cigarettes for me… would fit right into how I felt when I tried to quit… but for me it was about alcohol… I didn’t get full blown addicted to alcohol… which is why I was able to write something so clearly… When I tried to write during the time I tried to quit smoking… it was dark… unclear… and I buried it all deep away… when I say it was dark… you know I’m not fucking around…
Addiction can be… is something… that a lot of us can’t escape… I wasn’t even that far along in my alcohol downward spiral… and I still think about it nearly every day… I think for me I was still in that “searching for a feeling phase”… not in “this is me phase” that I am in with cigarettes… point is I was able to get out from under alcohol… I can’t get out from the cigarettes… yes I am aware that is an excuse… I’ve made peace with it… addiction is different for everyone… some addictions are worse than others…
When I hear about people addicted to heroin… it breaks my heart… especially when it is people younger than me… it is a death sentence… not a matter of if… but a matter of when… I can’t judge… we all do what we have to do to see the end of the day… but heroin… pain killers… I’ve never heard… read… or seen any happy stories that end well with heroin… the sooner you seek help the better… never taking them is even better… I can imagine how coming off that shit must feel… and I know I wouldn’t even come close to how it really feels…
I get trying something… I get finding out for yourself… but there are just somethings in this world you shouldn’t fuck with it… I’m no fucking saint… no role model for the next generation… but staying away… seeking help… is all that I can say…
A child I have one I still am Feel everything A mistake I am one Stuck in the past tense I still feel everything A reason Still feel lost In the same place Going nowhere Maybe I should A child I’ve always been Still feeling every feeling An anger I can’t get rid of A hurt I can’t help but be in A mistake Resting inside my head
Hurts like hell
It’s going to hurt either way It will hurt more with you than without The end of everything that I knew The pain feels real even as I feel nothing Catching lightning bugs in a jar Watching the light burn out Bodies left for the others to know their fate A burning corpse on the side of the road All the thoughts left except for one This idea of hurt is all you’ve left me
I’ve been living on borrowed time
Sit down and shut up Flowers on a grave Nothing left to say Honor the dead and let it go away No way could any of this shit ever change
Written from the darkness of my mind… lets talk about that last thought… and break it down…
Sit down and shut up
We have this problem in America… maybe the world… where we get really pissed off about something for… I don’t know… well now it’s over… it is a tool and tactic used by our government and media… be mad but also be mad at this… gets to a point where we are all just mad about everything… and we never address the issue that actually made us mad… caused the problem… so nothing ever changes… people become divided… we war at each other until the next problem shows up… put the issue on the back burner… and crank up the next one… Examples… Gun Control… Abortion… Immigration… (Wrote this one based on gun control in the United States… )
Flowers on a grave Nothing left to say
So we go through this whole I’m pissed and do nothing at all cycle… or do very little… slapping Band Aids on a gushing… rotting… open wound… and in the end this is where we stand on the issue at hand… an impasse.. where we wait for the next one… if you pay attention long enough it becomes a comedy of errors… or if you are an asshole like me… you just laugh and move on with your day… wait did he just said he laughs at the death of others???… yeah… I’m not proud… but…
Honor the dead and let it go away No way could any of this shit ever change
There comes a time where just remembering those we lost and doing nothing at all to prevent future incidences… is pretty funny… the whole cycle leaves you with a lack of empathy for the next set of victims… Honestly how many time are we going to be sad or shocked that someone… anyone… died by being attacked with assault rifles… when we just keep letting assault rifles be sold in the US… How much do we really care about those that we lost?… when we continue on with the same thoughts and behaviors from before… we don’t care…
So yeah I am the asshole for moving on… but put up a fucking mirror… look into the cold eyes staring back at you and wonder what did you do to stop this from ever happening again?… yeah… the point is it doesn’t matter… conditioned by the very people we put our faith in to make this go away… it doesn’t matter… because if did… we would have changed it already…
No one really cares until it happens to them… sad fact of life… and I hope… I pray… I wish… it never happens to any of you… any one at all… because it doesn’t need to happen… Gun Control shouldn’t be a party issue… it should be a life issue that we all should come together to end… because I don’t bleed Democrat or Republican or Independent… no… I bleed blood just like you…
No birds were hurt in the making of this cover… well that one is dead but it died of natural causes… still have no idea why the cat ate the eyeball… shiver… good eats maybe?…
Words locked inside my head Feeling as if I’ve always been dead Looking for a past I can remember A future without any limits Parts of me left unknown Without anything to show Digging away at the wall A dark place where I learned to fall The shattered pieces never add up If I figured it out would I even know What I am looking for in all of this
You can’t buy time.You can pay for it but you can’t buy it.
No one understands anything they say Death in the family same as before What is the difference between feeling and felt What is a question with too many answers I know at some point I must leave Dreading the day this doesn’t make sense Waiting for my time A reason to become who I am
Killers are the same as you.
Rebuilding myself from nothing Dead inside Lost and lonely That’s been every day for years Somehow this time feels different Some ways it feels like the first time Little deaths didn’t prepare me For anything like this An empty feeling inside my chest
What does that mean for the rest of us?
A constant drag on my soul The need to let go is overwhelming Never have I, never will I Hating has become something more Consuming my burning soul A truth I can’t ignore Imagine myself as someone else Same archetype every time Do onto others as they do onto me The scars burned across my skin There is no escaping what I am No balance in the world Even if I believe it to be
Let’s talk about that last one… hate is so strong… filled with insecurities… filled with so much shit… I don’t see the point… if you really hate something… you care about it more than anyone… anything else… if you really didn’t care… you’d ignore it… be like fuck it… doesn’t matter… I try to not let hate consume me… not because it is bad… we were born to fear and hate… it comes so natural it disgusts me… I try to not hate because I don’t want to care…
For instance… I hate my father… I don’t want to… I don’t even want to think about him… but I can’t stop no matter how much I tell myself to just quit thinking about him… I forget about him from time to time… and then something stupid happens… then it is all I can think about… What I would say if I saw him again… How I would act… all the hate I’d lay down on him… all the things I could say to destroy him… It is a nice fantasy I live from time to time… What I really hope though… that if it ever happens… if I ever see that fat faded fuck face… is that I just walk away…
As much hate as I carry… as much hate that consumes my thoughts… I hope I am man enough to just walk away… he deserves no part of me… no part of my life… in so many ways I wish I could just throw him away like he did to me… but life never works out that way… “No balance in the world… Even If I believe it to be”… That’s when we have to just walk away…
So what does any of that have to do with that last Broken Thought?… There comes a time in racism… in hate… where you just have to let go… fine they don’t like me because…. of my skin… of where I’m from… of how much money I have… of what the fuck ever… Then they aren’t good enough to know who I am… their loss not mine… You should always stand up for yourself… for others… but there are times where walking away… doing your own thing… does more than any other action could… Don’t let the hate consume you…
