Spitting blood, where is it that it comes from Dying to figure out love Missed the sun rise one last time How is it that I’m not dead? Spending time, where is it that I’ve gone Fighting to understand pain Lost track of the absent days How is it that I’m even alive?
People are often hurtful before they say what they mean
Dragging myself through hell once again Your unholy eyes staring me down How long can we play this game How long can we live in sin Testing the limits every day Your serrated grin made of lies and deceit No one ever said this was it But we both know this is all there will ever be
I love you but some days I just want to hold your head under water and pray for more rain.
Taking the long way home Stuck between doing it and not Ripping out my eyes Tearing out my heart Drink the blood to understand why A shit taste of everything I’ve hidden Fuck it Destroy it Who the fuck cares anymore Pulling out my hair Renting out my soul Eat what’s left of me A shit taste and a mouth full of lies Take my hand and I’ll lead you to A place called home
“I want to be buried in this jacket so it can keep me warm in hell”… It is a pretty amazing jacket… just saying…
I don’t have much to say… but I found this when reviewing my notes…
Back for another installment of embarrassment… still stuck on the age of seventeen… and moving into to eighteen… Chewing On Glass presents… Time To Waste…
The person you are Nothing means everything you want to say Nothing (x4) You are Nothing means anything I thought I needed to say Nothing (x4) I am Nothing is what we are Nothing (x4) My everything
This was yet another “song” I had in my head… Nine Inch Nails inspired…
I am, everything I am, everything you Want me to be I am Everything you needed me to be I am What you fucking’ think of me
What Do You See
You convey Every little mother fucking thing You show me What it is you fucking think of me
You fucking do this to me You fucking show me who I used to be You fucking do this to me You fucking everything I used to be
Why won’t you let me be Every little mother fucking thing Why won’t you let me go What is it that you think of me
Chorus (Everything, Everything) x2 I am everything you (Scream) Need me to be I am what you put inside of me
Okay so they aren’t complex songs… I have always liked punk for the same reason… It is… was… all about emotion… getting that thought or feeling out… this is how I feel deal with it… With that said… I’m still really into the chorus… I like the idea that the back up singer starts a chant… and then the singer answers back… obviously Nine Inch Nails and the Misfits… never really did that… If I had to guess that would be the Blink-182 influence I snuck in there… Which by this time… when I wrote this… I was too cool for such a band… Don’t be a sell out… blah…
Movie Ideas Zombie Film Horror Movie School / Drug Film (Would steal ideas from this for A Lie later in life…) Cannery Row(Great fucking book…) Messenger Future/ War Movie (This would be folded into War of 2012… Never released… I believe…) Superhero Movie (Naturally…) Documentary (Because who makes the above movies… then is like nah… I’ll make a doc…)
In high school I was very much into music… it was my life… all I talked about… all I dreamed of… but in my head it didn’t seem obtainable… a dream… at the same time I was really doing well in Video Communications… won some “awards” for different things… they were in school awards… but people were pretty hyped… figured if I didn’t make it in music… I could do movies… overtime… that drifted away… mutated… and became writing…
In truth I’m too controlling to be a director… but not controlling enough to tell other people what to do… I like that about writing… It is all on me… the only explanation that I really need to get my point across is the story itself… I don’t have to explain what is going on in my head with another person… I don’t have to argue why this shot needs to be this way… oh I have an idea about this… etc… I write it and either you like it or… I try again…
Here I sit I write for you But you’ll never know the truth Every day I’ll wait for you But you’ll never see the truth Here I sit I lie to you But you’ll never know the truth Everyday I’ll wait on you But you’ll never tell the truth
Sun
It hurts to open my eyes The worlds on fire You have let it burn My eyes are shut It takes its course
You’re not born but when You are you’ll want to die
Its been taken away Before it was given You have been left to die
Always a blast… to revisit the past… not really… but sometimes we don’t know where we are going without knowing where we have been… life is a ride… well I’ll let the late great Bill Hicks explain… because honestly… I’ll just butcher it…
What the fuck am I even doing Digging ditches called memories It’s all pointless so why Do I feel the need to cry The reason to breath, fucking seething Unhappy and I don’t know why Pointless, but here we go Another day waking and waiting Here we go another day Believing everything will be fine Here we go one more fucking day Feeling like this
Clapping along to a death song I’ve known all along
Go ahead and smile Really I don’t care Stabbing you in the face Will only be easier Please, no, be you Distant memories while I dance on Your grave
Gearing up for the ass fuck of the century A daily grind one upped every night (Takes a bow)
Your insecurities rub up against me A broken down thought, in need of a lobotomy Toxic nervousness that surrounds us all Thought provoking image drench in tears Worldliness verbiage that makes no sense You’ve gone and turned my mind inside out
“America’s problem is that we are so afraid of outside forces that we forget we are the outside force”…
I don’t have time to fail A constant push to get myself out of here Lost dream taken over by regret
I’m still on vacation… for how long?… no idea… but I will be checking in and out through out the month… hopefully by December… I can get back into some sort of routine… What have you been up to?… How have you been?… Hope all is well…
Defying death the thing I’ve become Say a prayer for all that you know Silence falls on your prayer Beyond my control Beyond my understanding Only human, you know what I know Murder, fucking death Respond to the sins I understand Look to the past, words Existence I’ve failed to understand
Education was always the plan Lost on the insecure, lost on the damned
How fucking big is your ass? Education was always meant to sustain A plan no one understands Ignorance sown within our souls Fuck your thoughts, bull shit plans Mob rule, mob mentality I’m owed mine, I’m owed yours Selfish fuck that I’ve always claimed to be The reality only a thing Laughing at your pain Because the realization is all too late Sucking on the tail pipe Slashing away, jerking off to the thought That all of this makes no sense
Bury me with it Bury me with all that I know Lies, words, Santa Clause was real Until it wasn’t Your parents were assholes Honest, but still Fucked since the word go Hug them, love them, tried their best Wrong, only human I’m them, I never wanted to Suffocating through what I know
Could blame them but know that I am them Love them more than before What you should know We are all trying to hold on Embrace them, don’t shun them Why are we here? Don’t ask them, suffering together Sad fucking realization Thank them, not me, for fucking trying
Santa Clause is real, god, everything they thought Lost in all of this, a life I’m not willing to admit Smashing my skull against a wall Killing myself for everything they thought An epic about nothing at all
Embrace everything you thought Not special at all The vision not what we thought Same as we were anyway All I was trying to say Love them all the same
Our parents are all they could be… our parents our us… fight it… believe I am wrong… but know… your parents fuck… your parents have thoughts… your parents are us after all… eww I know… gross… shake off the thought… but know you aren’t a freak… wonder if they feel like you?… they do… no other reason… than they are human… This whole thing is a shit show… welcome to the stage… smile… let’s move the fuck on… need advice?… ask those around you… it will be awkward… believe me when I say that’s what it means to be an adult… believe me when I say they feel the same…
Shhh… you wanted the secret… well the secret was fucking lame… : )… not trying to be a dick… just saying… not trying to make you throw up… but let’s be honest… your parents have always felt the same… mind-blowing… fucking crazy… hug them all the same… because they did this… dealt with this all… long before you could ever think… fucking heroes… martyrs to the cause of it all… good or bad… they tried their fucking best… what else could you ever ask of them after all?… that’s love… Think about it… come back to me… when you understand… been there for years… just sinking in… Not original… only a copy… excuse me as I throw up at the thought… only human after all… haha… never been better than you… Never been better than the heroes I’ve loved… only human… hard at the thought… embrace my part… embrace who I am after all… why the fuck do you listen to me at all?…
Thoughts… comments…. leave them because all of this is fucking insane… just want to get better… don’t care about words like fame… money… I just want to sustain… so if that means negativity… if that means pain… only want to get better… only want a reason to live… don’t care how lame… this is all I got out side of family… going to try whether or not you feel the same… all I ever wanted was to find people who feel the same… people to make me better… been a selfish ass… before I knew your name… hate me… I love you all the same… I love you for fucking being you… thank you… let the lead out… hurt no one but Know I Can Take It… maybe My Only Purpose… : )
Constant like a fucking child Driven under Driven to live A mindless existence Shut the fuck up Then maybe, you’d be right Tape my mouth shut Torture me, make me feel something Nothing different then the way It is supposed to be Cut my limbs, nail them to a tree Same as it is supposed to be I wish you’d do onto me As I wished for you
Looking to destroy more than myself Line up, take you out one by one I know it is what you always wanted I know you have always wanted to win Judge ourselves not by what we’ve done But what we wish to have been
Kill myself slowly Life or what I’ve been told I hold each word against me A lie I’ve been told Loved you more than I’ve loved myself Locked in a world, that I can not win I’d fuck you sooner than you can fuck me A worthless fuck I see myself in The reflection that I see Desiring action, desire to see myself Always been the asshole A sin I hide myself in Taking what I want Believing what I want to believe A whore I see myself in Cult of personality, I could never win Unless you let me Being drunk is a sin An escape I find myself in Fuck you, if you ever thought you could win A running thought inside my head My thoughts run off Digging a ditch I call my grave A home I hold within I’m so done, a struggle within, you win
Remorse is for the dead… all that needs to be said… still alive?… then you already know what needs to be done.. what there is left to say… keep going on with me… we will figure all of this out at a later time…
Doing nothing drives the sanest insane Bring me some new pain I know I can take it At all costs, it has to be this way In the darkest holes I have found I’ll be fine, wanted you to know Dragging me through hell This place I call home Miss it more than I could know Simple minded, stupid, what you will I’ll survive, I’ll find a way to make it Who I am, Who I’ve always been Smiling and digging a grave In your name I pray You’ll never feel the way I do I will always fail at this thing Called life I will always be the things I never wanted to be
I’m Not You Because You Are Me
Had everything anyone could ever want Pissed it all away, now look at me Shitting on the street Stare, I don’t care, still breathing Understand, never alive Don’t you see? Don’t you see? Look at me You are me more than you want to believe One step away Feel that?, It’s called a heart beat It’s called a heart beat Pissing in the streets, screaming until my throat bleeds You are me Don’t you see? Don’t you see? Chasing the demons that haunt me Running from the problem at top speed Problem has always been Me Human and I know you can relate My home is the streets My home is this fucking concrete You are me Don’t you see? Don’t you see? You just haven’t run your course Of course, you’d deny the truth I’ll see you, keep the space warm, until we meet That special place called home Six feet under earth I’m not you because you are me
I know the last post was pretty sad and all that shit… but lets move on until I have better news… I’m Not You Because You Are Me… came out of no where…. and honestly… I don’t like to brag… but God damn… That shit hit hard and I could not stop… a written orgasm… I don’t know if you liked it as much as me… but… that shit sent me over the edge… and then dropped me in a six-foot ditch… what I live for?… hard to say… but it made me feel a certain way…
Because that is how it is my friends… we are all one step from all of this shit going to… well shit… as bad as you think you have it… as bad as we want to believe… it could be worse… some of us have it pretty fucking bad… don’t get me wrong… if you got time to think… well you got it better than most… gratefulness… be grateful for what you got… family… friends… a good thought that pops up… ride it out… but always strive for more… a balance that can be hard to understand… a balance that doesn’t make sense until long after… It’s about the air… it’s about the breathe… sounds stupid… but what else are you going to do?…
Don’t like where you are?… keep fucking swinging… keep trying… as much as I love you all… as much as I want each of you to do what it is that you want… the truth is that no one gives a shit… oh well… heard it all before… are you going to give up or are you going make them believe?… don’t need to hurt… don’t need to destroy… need to find a balance… a mission that isn’t easy to see… all in this together… and we are all on our knees… no one ever said this was going to be easy… climb that mountain… fall down the hill… who really cares… get back up… that’s what people really care about… we will fail… but no one is taking me out… get what I mean?…
I know you are busy… I know we all got a lot of things going on… I don’t need you to buy anything… click the links… shit on me… tell me I suck… honestly… I appreciate… you even reading one word… you are the greatest thing that could happen to me… don’t be afraid… I embrace you all the same… we are all in this together… hugs… and all will be well…
Thought about the thoughts That make us human after all Thought about the thoughts That don’t matter at all Thought maybe then I thought About it all All these thoughts I thought As I waited for the fall
We tell ourselves it matters We push for results But in the end as we wait for it all Nothing made sense Nothing was all it was What we think holds value Holds nothing at all
So I thought about the thoughts That makes us human after all I thought about the thoughts That don’t matter after all Draw my conclusions What I found was Fuck it all
Letting Me Go Is Easier Than You Think
How much am I willing to take What is sober if not a feeling What is gone if not how I’ve felt all along I say one thing, believe another in my head Sure I’m a liar, believe me when I say I’m dead Never cared and now they say I should Exploring the darkness that hides inside us all Some people want to run But I can’t help to call it home Could say it doesn’t matter, been wrong all along How long am I willing to wait A fear carried over time Dead weight inside my chest I’ve been forced to call my heart Who knows anything if no one knows a thing You tell me to not do it But what do you know about me How it feels, what it thinks Studying the madness has only driven me more insane Life is a cycle This is only the pain
The next generation is so fucked… everything is right now… I need it now… is dinner ready?… no… it takes fucking time… spoiled and they don’t even know why… time is moving so fast… have you figured out yet what you want to be?… left behind… we do this to ourselves and ask why… human reasoning… kiss it all good bye… we need time to step back… say okay… this is the direction we need to go… not enough time… maybe we have always been this way… maybe it is something new… but in the end… what the fuck is going on?…
