Just have to close your eyes and wait to die
A never ending nightmare laced with
A never ending existence contracted at birth
Digging through the past of it all
Built to last even if the mind doesn’t believe
The spirit locked someplace else in time
Just have to close your eyes and believe everything is alright
A never ending day laced with
A never ending need to die
Shuffling through all the times feeling like this
Made it through even when the mind didn’t believe
The soul is so much bigger than our immediate problems
There’s a woman who sleeps in my bed… I often wonder if she is alive or dead…
Stop searching for meaning
Sold my soul to a broken thought
Too long ago I gave away everything
These thoughts are all I left
Worthless sense of existence
You could never hate as much as I could
Distract myself but it always comes back
The feelings aren’t how I feel
Who I am
Acceptance they say is the first step
I give in, now what’s next
The silence is deadly inside my head
Broken put back together with glue
The cracks never go away
Waiting to fall once again
Always waiting for it all to fall apart
The only way I know how to live
Grinding out the days between then and now…
Chain smoking in the parking lot
You’ve probably past me
More times than you know
Keep going, there’s no saving
What’s already been gone
A mind destroyed
A soul let go
Think this is warning
Only the facts leaking out
Keep your distance
Pushed away and now everyone wants to know
Is everything okay
What do you think
On the edge
Pushing towards a ledge
Can I save you
Can I help throw you away
Broken Thoughts
Layne Ambrose
Not everything is a joke inside my head… hard to separate what is what though… I have a dark sense of humor… and I never laugh at the right time… before I take on a mountain of shit… first thought break is about my daughter… felt to creepy to say there is a girl who sleeps in my bed… and if you are a parent… that line will make more sense… or if you are crazy like me it will make more sense… it is basically this thought… fear… that your child isn’t breathing…
I can face most things in this world… but I’m not sure I could face that one… I can bullshit all day about how this is all for me… for my wife… for the world… but all of this and every day is about that little creature I call my daughter… so that is where that line comes from…
That last thought probably sounds like a call for help… but it is more of a reaction to my writing… and how people treat each other in person… there is a fine line between invasive and caring… we often don’t know if anything or everything is okay until it is too late… so there is that feeling flowing through that… slammed shut by the last line… we may miss signs that we should have or could have helped… but the big thing that we miss is actually how we treat others… the context is missing here…
I’m aware that I look like a monster… something to fear… but I can’t help the way that I was born… I didn’t choose this face and until this book career takes off… I’m stuck looking like this… but without any reason… people fear me and refuse to talk to me… even when I offer help… I get watched in stores… even though I’ve never stole anything and think the idea behind stealing anything would be worthless… but my beliefs aren’t tattooed to my skin… I’ve grown a thick skin… I understand why people react the way that they do… I’ve made peace with it since I was a child… but that last line… “Can I help throw you away.” stems from the fact that I am still human… I can still feel your dislike for me without any context… you didn’t even give me a change… we pass judgement with no thought at all… won’t change… the way we are… but it still hurts…
Those feelings are what I am talking about… they build up… you try to not let them… but I know they do… which brings me to the point that we only care until it is too late… we fail to see that our reactions… words… treatment of others… is what started this cycle… can’t say I’m not guilty of such actions… despite my past dealing with such feelings… I still go out of my way to make sure I treat everyone with respect… and yes… some people are just assholes…
A fun game I like to play is to be extra nice to those people… nothing hurts more than when you realize you are being an asshole for no reason… that look on their face is priceless… I like to do this to Cops… TSA agents… and customers… people with “Authority” because at the end of the day we are all just human… at the end of the day we are just trying to get to point A to B… no reason I have found that we can’t be decent about it…
With that… don’t forget to check out my books… drop a review… tell me I suck… that I am good… I know I’m not great… but every review helps… If you could help throw myself away… that would be awesome… haha…
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