So you think you can tell All the horrible places These thoughts can dwell Every corner, under every action Gave you all the answers Now I’m just waiting for a reason To turn this all around
Sympathetic to reasons already written…
So you think the reasons are Always on the surface Dig a little deeper and Tell me what you think then Can’t see the sky for the ground Drinking poison to wash it all down Not all devils dwell underground
Assuming I’d have any idea at all…
So you think you know All the horrible things you are capable of That’s cute, born to destroy These dreams are always more real Buried under pain, suffering |Safe inside my arms but my mind Is a minefield built to bring you down
Following in footsteps made of glass…
So you think the truth lies ahead All along, buried in words And not much of anything else No one escapes the demons of the past No one said you couldn’t run Step after step, breath for breath That’s what I did until I couldn’t
Broken Thoughts Layne Ambrose
This was a poem… works better this way… perspective is everything… the first view may not always be the best one… always take another look… decided for yourself… because you should know… someone is always willing to do it for you… Enjoy yourself… because someone will be willing to do that too…
Is That A Funeral? Presents Broken Thoughts Vol. 2
This volume has it all… Short Stories… lots of them… Broken Thoughts… plenty more where that came from… Poetry… because Ambrose just can’t stop… Best of all it is now better tasting*…
Please don’t eat the books… take our word that it tastes better… Ambrose got very sick… but he did say it tasted better than Vol. 1… more to chew through… paper is not a good source of anything… beyond knowledge and entertainment… please enjoy responsibly… *
Scarping its way into the world. Teething On Concrete is the newest collection of poetry by Layne Ambrose. Sobering, haunting, and downright depressing. Ambrose takes us on a journey the only way he knows how. Across the razor blades of his mind. Ambrose’s take on what it means to live will not be forgotten any time soon. Whether you are preaching, kneeling, or teething on concrete this collection is here to satisfy all your needs.
“Putting this down wasn’t much of an option.” M.T. Billings, Shaky Town Rebellion
“Jesus…” Sylvia Ambrose, Cover Artist
“Concrete never tasted so good.” Korbin Copy, Is That A Funeral?
Some things in this life are worse than fiction… some things are so real that even if I told them word for word as the truth… no one could ever believe… it is best to remember that not every one thinks like you… that not every one has shed their animal natures… and not every one in this world is good… it is easy to forget… it is easy to push out of our minds… what goes on behind our backs… and in the darkness… but not all horrible things happen in the dark…
This post is very different for me… maybe not in content… I tend to talk about things that are on the darker side of life… no this post is different… because unlike most of the things I post about… this poem is not about fiction… or dark thoughts that find their way into my head… I am a firm believer in the thought… that it is one thing to think or have dark thoughts… and a whole other to actually act on them… sticks and stones will break my bones… but words will never hurt me…I took that cliche in my mind and ran with it…built a fiction collection on it…
That is how I think… that is what I believe… but even with my own beliefs held firmly in place… some words… some ideas can be too much to bear… the topic of my poem today is… Sylvia Likens… and my reverse order for my post is because unlike most things I write… I feel context… what I think… How I feel about what happened to Sylvia… Is more important than the work below…
For those of you who don’t know… Sylvia Likens was a child in 1965… who was abused… tortured… raped… and killed… not by a serial killer… not by a known sex offender… not even by her parents… but by those in her community… by the very children she knew… by her very neighbors… there is so much to this story… to the truth of the event… that I can’t and won’t be covering in this post… more about the tragic death of Sylvia Likens can be found here…
There have been movies… stories written… about Sylvia and the horrors she has been through… and even if you have read or seen any of them… then you know they only scratched the surface of her horrible experience… She has long been laid to rest… but her memory is not forgotten… Her tale as horrific as it was… should never be forgotten… Because people… children… still experience similar horrors every day… to this day… this is long over due… it needs to stop…
Many of us may have even experienced some… many of the things she was put through… may be even today… right now as we read… we need to put an end to it… we need to open our eyes… our hearts… and our minds… because… just because you don’t see it… doesn’t mean it isn’t happening… just because you don’t have the time… doesn’t mean it isn’t happening… just because it isn’t happening to you… doesn’t mean it isn’t happening… because it does and it is… in our silence… these monsters are slipping through the cracks… as we look away… people are being tortured… children are suffering… this isn’t an isolated incident… this isn’t something that only happens to someone based on skin color… age… where we live… or sex… these are things that can and happen to anyone…
I myself was a victim of abuse… I know how it can feel… I understand the shame… the fear of speaking up… will it happen more?… if I just keep my head down… then it will pass… I’ll be fine… excuses we tell ourselves to survive… Truth is the monster will always live in the dark… until you bring it to the light… I say you… but it takes more… it takes us all… There is no harder thing in this world than to ask for help… no matter the situation… it is the hardest thing any of us will ever face… but if you don’t… if we don’t… no one will…
Many of the signs are easy to overlook… it was a one off… it was an accident… abuse is hard to define… it doesn’t seem like it would be… seems pretty straight forward… but it isn’t… that is why so many people suffer in silence… reach out and get turned down… because of this one way thinking… because we aren’t paying attention… this is how and why… Sylvia was tortured… abused… until she died…It is easy to point at her tortures… her abusers… as the monster… but in this extreme case… the monsters weren’t just the ones in the room with her… but the society that surrounded her… that’s why we need to be paying attention… speaking up… and taking action… big or small… we must do all that we can…
Accidents do happen… people go to far… as a victim I know the signs… if anything good came from my abuse… my experience is that I know when I might go to far… when I am wrong… and need to take a step back… I know how easy it can be to cross that line… I’m not immune because I am a victim… I’ve said things that I regret… almost done things that I know were too far… I’ve seen the look of fear that I know myself once carried on the face of those around me… a look that has brought me to my knees… to tears… and made me question who it is I have become… I’ve seen both sides of the line… I have felt how either side of the line can feel… and just because I didn’t act upon my anger doesn’t mean I too couldn’t be a monster… I’m not a saint… I am human… we all are… and not one of us is perfect… but… there is a difference between an incident of abuse… and a pattern of repeated abuse… neither of which should go unchecked… or be put up with…seen as okay…
I was lucky… as far as my abuse went… as much as the memories still hurt me today… I was lucky… that I ended up in the hospital… that people around me spoke up… and did something… that my mother said enough was enough… a victim herself… not all of us are so lucky… for some of us… we don’t receive any help… until it is too late… Take care of yourselves… Take care of each other… it may seem like nothing… but is it worth the risk?… is it worth the hurt?…
Sylvia Likens
Kicking and screaming Dragging and bleeding Taken to the basement Time to figure things out Pressed against what’s left of the mattress Laying naked next to the floor What did you call me You called me a whore Silently screaming Begging and pleading Took me to the darkness Time to figure it out Strung up by the wrists Stripped of everything I had left What did you do to me You stabbed me some more Dying and breathing Scarring and seething Taken to another level Time to let the devil out Burned the words into the flesh No one would want me That’s what you said
Took a wrong turn into the dark Lost the time, need to find the way Opened door that doesn’t seem to want to close Hidden beneath, locked away Left so lonely, left all alone Travelling blind into the unknown Trapped within my own mind A horrible way to go on With no guidance Lost everything I learned Who I had become Lost my way and now I’m looping in and out of place And now I don’t know what I will become And now I don’t know what will emerge From the door when I return
“That sounded like a close call”… My whole life is a close call…
I’m tied to you I’d drown myself if you’d let me But I know my love would never Drag me down, lock and chain Drag me through, high water to hell Fade, disappear like the binds That strap us together Last through heaven and hell But I know my love would never Drag me against, concrete and glass Drag me through, heaven to earth I’m tethered to you For better or worse But I know our love would never Drag us down, life and death Drag us through, violence to pain I’m tied to you From now until the end of time The years tightening against our souls Until the day we become one Tied, tethered always yours For better or worse Sickness and health Long walk but never alone
Broken Thoughts Layne Ambrose
Hit a few nerves inside my brain… shook a couple of tambourines… trying something different is always nice… I’m not a romantic writer… if you didn’t know… I sure most people wouldn’t consider words like tied and tethered… as romantic… but I do… because well… I’m me…
Still working on projects… still burning candles at both ends… trying to get anything off the ground… to spend more time inside… hopefully everything is going well… it is a new year after all… ready to start this one off in a better place… I may be getting to far ahead of myself… taking each day as it comes… it is a long walk… but we are never alone… something to remember… something I want you to know… hope all is well…
This self-sacrificing bullshit is getting old Your poisonous fangs can no longer take a hold I wish for something better Only come up with more excuses The way things are going, there’s no real way of knowing What is truth and what is a lie Everything you are conditioned to believe I despise Tormented by my own mind Can’t seem to focus even for a moment My own worst enemy with me at all times If I give up now which part is the lie Three years and counting Adding up to something I don’t realize Giving away everything one word at a time Tomorrow maybe, but today I don’t know Not sure how it is I ever will Left wondering, left out in the cold I know there is an end but where to begin Lost in tranquility, Lost in retaliation Full of words with nothing to say Revenge is everything and nothing A steaming pile of shit I have to get through Letting go seems to be the hardest part When this self-sacrificing bullshit is getting old When all the unused words build up in my head
Buried Under Three Feet of Shit
Can’t stop this even if I tried Thousand Broken bones Blood dripping from every wound A fucking mess Still going strong Still going after all and everything What stops the will to live when you are already dead? Contradict myself with a mouth full of shit Bending back my neck to understand any of this Twisting and pulling until it connects What makes up a soul Makes us whole Worthlessly sinking in a sea of shit and piss If only I knew how to swim Could I then know what it means to live What if I already did but only refused? Compound fracture, compound interjection Still hanging on by a thread, a lifeline attached to nothing With all the answers locked in my head Head pulled back I’ve learned all that I have been told to know Kicking under the surface still going under Education is nothing more than an endurance test Testing everything I know against everything I don’t Strange how I once thought now I just forget Going on is harder against the undertow Going forward is harder pressed upon the wall Going on seems to be the hardest part after all Circumstances uncertain, left for dead, three feet under A bed, a sea, an existence of shit
Well if that doesn’t sum up the year that was 2020… I’m not even going to waste my time in hoping next year will be any better… expectations are just a let down at this point… all hope isn’t gone… but would it make a difference anymore if it was?…
Also I know how to swim… well I haven’t drowned yet… so you can infer whatever you like from that… for some reason I feel that you need to know this… I’m not even proud of that fact… given that I won’t even get in a body of water… cesspools full of shit… you’d think I would feel at home… but I don’t…
Ready to get to this new year already… and leave last year in the past… that is saying a lot… considering as each day passes… that is one less day that I never had… feelings get lost in the emotions… ideas get buried under the thoughts… and I seem to disappear as each day goes on… How is any day different… if it is all one long day to begin with?… Yeah… I’m ready to face the new year and everything that comes with it…
Happy New Year From Everyone At Is That A Funeral?…
That Is A Cat On A Hoodie…
Not Just Any Cat… But A Demon Cat…
Which Means… It Will Keep You Extra Warm…
(Demon Cats Aren’t Real… Also We Have No Way To Prove This… That Cat Though Was Super Psycho… Haunted By Something From Another Dimension… That Photo Wasn’t Even Manipulated… Yeah… Let That Sink In… Demon Cat In My Book…)
Thought maybe this might end One too many times Moments in time as they slip by A crawling feeling from down inside Took long enough but not long enough The words escape what I’d like to say What was meant to be slips away Gave it all I had and now this is all Anyone could hope to be left with A dying breath left on lips of regret Always more to do looking back Never enough time to reflect on thought Did my part but was it enough? Will anything ever be enough? When we don’t know what it is We are looking for in all of this
A heart… a hole… a destiny I can’t afford…
Tapping the well, draining the lake I wonder what we’d find at the bottom Lined with bodies, lined with lies Metaphoric, a thought buried in the mind A grave left at sea, a grave yard of thought The list could be endless in theory But I think we already know I think we’ve always known What lies ahead, below, and above Not only sky, not only lies Digging deeper through the tissue Pulling apart the thoughts as though We didn’t know how this all began Truth buried deep within Truth lining the lake bed of the mind But I think we already knew I think we’ve always known What lies ahead, below, and above Denial more than a thought unheard Death has always been Everything it was intended to be
“When you are in your twenties you see the world on fire and think I have to do something to put it out. The older you get the more you realize the world has always been on fire and it is time that I got mine. The warnings left behind by generations before don’t seem as empty as they once did. They no longer seem like wasted excuses of a failure that has failed. The words around you begin to make some sort of sense. Their actions become shared actions.Wisdom comes in waves. Existence of the fire becomes clearer over time as you see the size of the flames. You learn to understand that you don’t put a fire out by running directly into the center of it. Rather you contain it and take it out slowly from the outside. There is no value in sacrificing yourself for something that won’t end. Was never meant to end. But if you could make it smaller? Well then what have you done then? Have you done your part in all of this or only burned on in the flames as the world has planned for you at your birth? Not all questions have a definitive answer. Something you can’t really understand without the time to really think about. Something you can’t really understand until you get there. That is where I am in this world at the moment. A space between now and then. Some days the spark flares up in me and I want to jump into the belly of the beast, but for the most part I’ve learned to contain my adolescent.”
M.T. Billings, Misguided Ideas of a Misunderstood Threat
Broken Thoughts Layne Ambrose
Pretty odd place to leave things… honestly I wouldn’t waste my time… or yours… if I didn’t think that it meant something deeper… You have probably never heard of M.T. Billings before… and that is okay… because they don’t have a website… we are working on it… from what I can acquire they are still too busy working on any sort of material… if it sounds like I am being vague… imagine how I feel?… there is still a lot to learn about the mysterious M.T. Billings… see what happens I guess… in the mean time… Is That A Funeral? and I have offered to help them in any way we can…
Speaking of… as we move forward with this great big ball of shit… Is That A Funeral? and I have been discussing taking on more authors… we are looking at different ways to do it… different ways to balance the work load… finally catching up around here… has been nice… but I think we are looking for a new challenge… Using what they have learned from me… we are thinking of starting off pretty slowly… maybe a new feature here or there… know more later… look out 2021… Is That A Funeral? is coming for you… (They asked me to say this… honestly if they weren’t my friends… we are barely friends… but when someone believes in you… can’t really just walk away…)
Enough business for today… let’s get down to some thoughts on nothing at all… the empty void in my head has been throwing around a lot of ideas… where to go next… I think I mentioned this already… the thoughts come back in from time to time… which I think is why what Billings said really struck me enough to feature it… where I am and where I was is a space I am currently stuck in… I have more than enough ideas… just unsure if I want to stay where I am or give something new a chance… doesn’t seem like a big deal… and in the scheme of life it probably isn’t on the surface… but changing things up now would mean a few years of my life invested in something different…but what is a few years on a scared heart?…
It is a scary and exciting feeling… growing and expanding is an important part of life… a necessary part of all of this… it is not as though I will be abandoningeverything I have done… the differences for you will probably be so minimal that you won’t even know what the hell I am talking about… I’m ranting and this is where I am in my head… on a cliff… ready to jump… now I just have to do it… and stop thinking about it… easier to say when you’re not chewing on glass…
So many words without any substance What is it all for, nothing What is it all about, nothing So many thoughts that go no where Has to be adding up to, nothing Has to be going somewhere, nothing Digging a grave made of words Of things to be said Digging a grave full of ideas Of things that seem to matter Broken spirit, shaky bones filled with Nothing at all So hard to separate The words from the idea The thoughts from the point Of nothing at all
I never said that… Sure you did. It is just that sometimes the words are hard to understand while screaming them…
Faith in the hopeless Still have to try Still must push against the wall Built in the mind Forever can’t last Has it always been this way Locked away Left to die Left to suffer Abandonment Isolation Suffocation Speaking truth in tongues Turn to lies over time Rambling ideas of the mind
A made up identity of all that I despise
Don’t take what was never mine Get in fucking line Wait to die Know the order “Know the way things are, are how they were meant to be.” God’s words, natural selection Do you understand? A bible written in blood, truth, the only way Look to Moses as he crossed the desert Look to the prophet that said “Stay here, for my people it is time to die.” Where do you get the will? To throw a book in the face of us all Never understood a word at all
Broken Thoughts
Layne Ambrose
I’m sure there are about twelve other things I could address right now… but fuck it… I’m not in the mood… I’ve got Pokemon to catch after all… let’s be honest… can we be honest… Do we really need so many damn Pokemon?… Don’t get me wrong… I will trap… and collect them all… with a smile on my face… but it is starting to get a little crowded around here… do I really need a Pokemon in a teapot?… or one that looks like an ice cream cone?… I mean whothought… Let’s bring back the ice cream cone?… almost a thousand of these damn things… bring back the cone… and while we are at it… the chandelier…
Since we are being honest… and on the subject… What does it say about me as a person… that I am willing to leave a wake of “dying” Pokemon… in a long trail behind me… all in the pursuit to make mine stronger?… what kind of torture simulator am I playing?… pocket monsters?… I’m not so sure about that… I think we may be shifting the blame… the monster has been… and always will be… me…
Couldn’t make it to therapy this week… I apologize… for the outburst… but mytherapist thanks you…
Seeing how there aren’t actually classes going on… or maybe there are… I have no idea what to expect when nothing is to be expected… 2020 anyone?… has all infected us all… even if you live under a rock like me… going to be honest because what else do I have to offer this world?… I do not remember the format for this type of post… Huffing Glass 101… you can use a search engine… I could too but where is the fun in that?… What I do remember… well what I wrote in my notes… is that today’s… lesson?… discussion?… would be about Titles… obviously not about grammar… Thank God or I’d have to issue refunds for this class… But enough small talk… let’s get into this…
Titles… I love them… possibly my favorite part of writing… wait don’t you write short stories… long ass poems… and most of your website is filled with Broken Thoughts?… Well yeah… but they all have to be titled none the less… for most writers… honestly I don’t know… for most of us… titles don’t come first… for me they do… I get hyped by the title… just as I hope you do… the title reels me in the same way it is meant to reel in everyone else around me… Of course like all things in writing… titles evolve over time… Many of my titles start very long… for instance… my first short story collection is called… Drinking Bleach to Stay Alive… but now I just call it Drinking Bleach… Oddly enough now that I think about it… A Lie… has always been A Lie… I never had more than that…
But what is so important about a title to me?… Why do I spend so much time on something that will only be read and referenced over and over again?… I actually don’t spend that much time on them… most of them are spur of the moment… and that moment leads me to writing a story or concept behind them… that sounds great… now lets go… This is the case most of the time… sometimes I have no idea what the title will be until the last second… usually that involves poems though… Long form stories… I usually come up with a title and then build a concept from there…
My most recent book… Teething On Concrete… was written like this… kind of… granted it is a poem collection so the poems were written in advance… for the most part… nothing is finished until it makes it into the book though… and during the editing process for Concrete… I did tailor the poems to fit this new concept… Originally the book was to be called Black Cloud Rising… before that though it was Fell On Dark Days… for obvious reason I chose to do neither title… but for over a year that was the concept of the book… based on those titles… The only reason any of it changed was because I became obsessed with the title Teething On Concrete…
It is dark… check… it is weird… check… it conveys a thought in my head… sold… Teething On Concrete… is more than just three words… it is a concept… it conveys… that something is going on… How does someone find themselves teething on concrete?… Why would someone even do that?… Think that?… Have to read the book to find out… There is more to it then that of course… because that is how writing and life works… but that is the main point of what a title does for me… it guides me to a certain goal… My next two projects will do the same…
My next novel is titled Fuck… I Hate It Here or I Hate It Here… (I’m sure that sentence was confusing with the ellipse in the title… but everything has to start somewhere…) Yeah… eight years into a book… I’m still not sure what the title will finally be… You can guess which one I prefer… but it isn’t testing well around the office… It also wasn’t the first title I came up with either… No… originally it was going to be titled… Chewing On Glass… but it didn’t fit the concept of the book I wanted to create… well it did in the beginning but as things progressed during the first round of concepts… it wasn’t the direction I wanted to go… In case you are interested I’m on concept three for this fucking book… but that is a rant for another time…
Basically titles are fun… should be fun… they should make you want to read the story as much as they should make anyone else want to read your story… in my opinion… I personally can’t pass up a good title… seriously I will buy a book based on title alone… Tortured For Christ… I’m a sad desperate person like that… I love me some titles… They say don’t judge a book by its cover… and I don’t… but I can’t pass up some well thought out words burned across it…
So what are some of my favorite titles that I didn’t come up with but I wish I did?… Well thanks for asking…
As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner– Quite possibly the best title for any book ever… also the only book by Faulkner that I have actually gotten through… and enjoyed… Also one of the first books I decided to read that wasn’t pushed on to me by school or an institution…
Though to be fair… I thought it would make an amazing band name… turns out I was right… So I had to read it to see if it was worth naming my band after because of course the press was going to ask me questions about it… yeah… young Ambrose was a dreamer… still is… this was all before I found out that a band already took the name and ran with it… I was pretty bummed when I found out…
I can’t say that I love this book though… the story isn’t for me… good or bad is up to you… what I did take way from this book though… was the concept… to this day this book is one of the first bricks laid in me that I want to be a writer… so again good or bad is up for debate… it is pretty crazy the way we get here… but it doesn’t matter as long as we get here I guess…
Last Exit To Brooklyn by Hubert Selby Jr.– Not what I thought it was going to be at all… so much more than a simple title… not for the faint of heart… but a masterpiece all the same… I enjoy the basic title against the complexity of the stories… This title has influenced me to think outside of the most obvious titles… or that a book’s title can mean more about what the book is about than the stories themselves… A title is much like the bassist in a band… it must play along with the rest of the band… but it needs to be its own thing as well…
Astro-Creep: 2000 – Songs of Love, Destruction and Other Synthetic Delusions of the Electric Head by White Zombie– Mixing it up here… not a book of course… but an influence title none the less… This title doesn’t jump off the page… there is a lot going on here… and that is what I like about it… Rob Zombie does this often… just about every album and I find myself doing the same thing…
In closing titles can mean a lot of things… they can influence the way you read a story… they can grab you from out of nowhere… they can drive you to write a whole book… titles are where it is at… and this has been more than enough glass to huff for today…
What are some of your favorite titles?… What does a title do for you?…
Scarping its way into the world. Teething On Concrete is the newest collection of poetry by Layne Ambrose. Sobering, haunting, and downright depressing. Ambrose takes us on a journey the only way he knows how. Across the razor blades of his mind. Ambrose’s take on what it means to live will not be forgotten any time soon. Whether you are preaching, kneeling, or teething on concrete this collection is here to satisfy all your needs.
“Putting this down wasn’t much of an option.” M.T. Billings, Shaky Town Rebellion
“Jesus…” Sylvia Ambrose, Cover Artist
“Concrete never tasted so good.” Korbin Copy, Is That A Funeral?
It’s always something Nagging at my brain Propelling my pain Could I care? Any more than I do What I hate the most Even more than myself What I hate the most Even more than everything else Is something always Getting in my way Forcing itself in Could I care? Sadly I do What I hate the most Even more than you What I hate the most Even more than everything else Noticing a pattern, maybe a cycle Didn’t seem so obvious until I ran it into the ground Why is it That we must hate ourselves Above all else? Starting to think, to believe It is all we know how to do
Slowly Counting the Minutes
Inspiration comes and goes Thoughts of suicide seem to last forever Who decides what is normal When we are all freaks The laws of man make very little sense Seems so out of place in the idea of time Habitual thoughts of freedom Controlled through oppression Wish any of this made more sense How can so many lies piece together To make a history we’ve all forgotten to learn Life is nothing more than an endless cycle of regret Waste of time in the end Constant reminder of all the shit Left undone
I need some new candles… that’s where I am at… at the moment… could be thinking of worse things… I guess… also they need to make better smelling black candles… hard to be all dark and moody… when the best smelling ones are pink and purple… haha…
