poetry – Chewing On Glass

Watching The World Go By… In Ever Passing Moments…

The Plan

Feelings disappear into the light
Faded but always there
Moments in time seems to last forever
Seconds of thought, a lifetime of regret
Decisions made that can’t be undone
Another day in the life of someone else
Too afraid to take a step
Backwards or forwards there is nothing left
Feelings reappearing every night
Haunting me from the shadows
Crosses burning, signaling a fight
A struggle so unreal that it has to be real life
A thought that doesn’t cross empty minds
Time has a way or remaining all the same
People don’t change only the time and place
Lost in a cycle that can’t possibly end
Given up only to just begin
Suffering was always the ultimate plan

Mapping out how I would feel
Planning every occurrence that makes this unreal
A desperation so pure
A rotting life left with no cure

Short post today… I’m not feeling today at all… which is an odd way to say that I am feeling too much… too many thoughts to make any sense… ever passing moment… there is a war inside my head… a battle to keep going on… versus a force that says lay down and die… dig a hole and crawl in… ever passing moment… self-destruction was never my thing… only a dream… locked inside my head… “Want to destroy something beautiful”… what is it that I want to destroy?… when I’m so ugly… scared… broken… the surface still… calm… chaos hidden from view… tearing my throat out… won’t shut up… tearing my soul to pieces… can’t give up… some part of me… still in here… in some way… waiting out the storm… ever passing moment… I’m only trying to live…

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“This chicken is really spicy!!!”… My daughter… made me smile when I wanted to cry… all I added was a hint of pepper… little things that make no sense… change of mood… love her… even if I don’t love myself… comforting to know I love at all…

Self Destruct… One Word At A Time…

Time ticks by without a name or face
What is it that I’m doing in this place
Lost and dying, I have no time to rest
All I want to do is lay down
Pretend that I’m dead
Peace is a word with no meaning
Who can go in such a fashion in theory
Never wanted to be here, never wanted to leave
Now the choice is up to me
Hope is something I once had
Now I have nothing never said I was glad
A feeling I once had
The world wants more than they let on
Taking a piece every day
Forgive me if I have nothing left
Forgive me if I gave it all away
Never knew any better
Thought this was what it was all about
A truth I can not speak
An idea I believe but don’t live
A dream buried deep within me
Straggling an idea
Choking at the thought of it all
Another drink and I will be
To far gone
A place called home
A place I’ve long to become
Lost words in the idea of it all
Meaning more than I’m willing to say
A thought stuck in my throat
Know that I gave it my all
Know that all of this
Has always been for you

Becoming immortal has its costs
Some pay in love, most pay in blood
A cost no one wants to afford
Though we can all pay out
An endless thought left out to rot
Lost diary no one cared to read
The times slip away
The words get lost
Yet somehow, some way mean the same
So many voice that don’t care
So many that do
Lost in the commotion
The idea drifts away
Hanging in the air
Waiting for their time
Waiting until the moment is right

Painting a picture
Means so much to me
An image buried in my mind
Just like the time I tried to die
A gallery with everything
I’ve been trying to say
Love was, never easy for me
Death makes sense
When you think about it
Giving up was all I ever needed
Wanted more but I never lied
Gave up the will
Gave in to all the things you feel
Emotional despise
Kiss your lips
Caress all that you are
I watched you die
I watched as you gave me everything
Smiled at the thought
Slaughtered all that you are
Choking the thought you could have meant
I thank you
Become you only to understand
I was never anything
Miss your love like I miss the sun
Not at all
Each stroke more than a thought
A line to keep moving on
Sing me a song
Your voice so sweet
Choking each note as though
It were my own

Tearing apart the world
Each word means something else
Hush your voice as I decide
What to do with you
My hands wrapped around your throat
My pain pushed through each finger tip
Have I told you how much I love you
Enjoying the silence
The solace of your voice
A digging emotion that I’ve tried to hide
Failure at its most definitive definition
I don’t hate you
As much as I have always loved you
Hammer to a nail left out
Catching my skin against the grain
I’ve bleed for you
What have you done for me?
Sacrifice, never enough
I don’t want to own you
As much as you are mine
Body soul, sacrifice more
Give me what I deserve
A selfishness, a worthlessness
Succumb to all that I’ve told
A fantasy running through my mind
You are mine, you are what I say
As I do it, broken thoughts on nothing at all
Worship God. worship me for what I am
You think you have a choice
The choice was always mine
Know your place in my mind
Know that you’ve always been mine

Naked thoughts
Private moments
That told me
You are what
I tell you to be
X rated thoughts
A whore amongst
Them all
If I told you
If I begged
What separates you
From my mind
Fantasy played out
Own, become, sacrifice
Shut your dirty mouth
Give me all that you
Will ever be

Got a little dirty… swimming in the gutter… giving away more than I thought… pain succumbing to a though that doesn’t make any sense… No one told me to be quite… shut my mouth… and open my eyes… pissing on all that you know… a flood of crimson… a flood of the color yellow… makes no sense… but does the pain ever have to?… a feeling lost among the lost souls… I’d give you all that I know… an empty mind with only one thought on the mind… a broken vine… that reaches for more than a thought… digs at the soil… digs deep down in side… never satisfied… a thought that will only become… a way of life… swinging at the thought… coming up empty… am answer buried deep within… a life time to understand… a life time given only to become… dead… like the times… a history only meant to be repeated… smile because you’ve always known… you been doing it right…

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This Might Get Weird… Real Quick…

So many thoughts coming across the screen… where to begin… when there is so much shit coming at me?… it’s like an endless fucking problem… that no one can figure out… I want to be here… but do I really?… do these things really matter when everything keeps moving?… God… I hope so… Lets start this train wreck of a post…

Rethinking Reason

They say we all have something to say
The lights come on and the words fall out
Needless to say my mind is blank
My lungs bleed to my own stupidity
Frustrated by the every things that make me, me
If I could change one thing
I couldn’t just pick one
So, this exercise is stupid
Thinking about my problems is a waste of time
Stop me if you heard but I don’t care
They say we all have something to say
Well fucking say it already
Rethinking reason because what else was there to do today
When was I ever supposed to feel okay
Could you spell out the reasons
That I shouldn’t jab this fucking pen into my throat
Your silence says more than I ever could
Happen to agree
Happen to want the same things
Fucked myself by ever saying anything
They say we all have something to say
Who the fuck are they anyway?

If I Told You… Still Wouldn’t Believe Me… Truth…

Sucking on a tailpipe
Getting that feeling back in my lungs
You wouldn’t know
For a second
Where I’m coming from
Driving the nail
So deep within my brain
I want to feel this
Fuck you for trying to stop me
Call yourself a friend
A lover, a thing
Let me do it then
Care so much
Your hugs only make me feel
Ugly, stupid, useless
The pain was all I ever wanted
You think you’ve ever known
Why
How many times can you save me
From me?…
How many times are you willing to
Die?…
I”ll take everything from you
The selfish fucking ass that I am
Suck you fucking dry
A word to the wise
I’d happily watch you die
You’ve always wanted to know
Who I am
Never shied away from what I’ve become
Embraced all the thoughts that make me whole
Always said, always believed
But it has been you that has been living a lie
Nothing more than flowers
Left at your grave
What you’ve always meant to me
Could you ever believe the truth?

This should go without saying… I’m fucking gone… every songs a reason to go on… rambling was all I was ever good at… a fucking pity party… your invited… but if you aren’t going to take a stab?… why the fuck would you ever show up?… If I Told You It Was So Easy To Lose My Mind…. would you ever believe me… built on the inception of a lie… built on everything that I despise… “Felt like destroying something beautiful”… stab myself in the face mentally… always nice to get away… regretting everything I’ve said… but who the fuck else would ever listen to me?… a psycho with nowhere else to go… a single trap… created by me… a grave I’ve dug myself… why the fuck most this ever go on?…

A silence comes over me… a moment to understand… I moment to realize… I was never good enough to be anything… never good enough to say anything… should have shut the fuck up and moved on… should have always been what I was meant to be… a useless fuck that no one ever gave a fuck about… a cog in the machine of life… keep grinding… only to realize… you’ve always been right… no one has ever had the balls to say you aren’t special… except my fate… drowning on dreams… that I could never realize… dragging my ass through the flames… if you think it matters… tell me what you think… I can accept the hate… but this fucking pain?… this fucking need to please everyone around me?… I am everything that I have ever needed… I am everything that I’ve always hated… Breathe in the fucking words… and accept that this is it… that this has always been me…

Just so you know… This was all worth living… this has all been worth it…

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The bass line alone… no one could ever be as good as this… no pressure… do what you want… but know it was all worth it…

Why I Turned Out The Way I Did

Compound Existence

Everything and everyone wants something
I’m afraid I have nothing left
My contempt is more or less only guilt
There is too much in this world
That requires my intention, attention
Wish for a moment, wish for a second
Everything and everyone was smaller than this
If only I could forget, forgive
If only all the loneliness
Would disappear, into the ether
Into the wind
I fear for the safety, the safety of others
The tranquility of it all
Took over so long ago
Lost in the lonely, lost in the despair
Lost in all of this we hold so dear
This never ending regret of growing old
I’m growing old from all of this
Broken, endless feelings
Forgive to forget, sucking up all the regret
Pray for something more
Though I’ve always known better
Suffering through this compound existence

Think About Killing, But In The End You Won’t So You Feel Better

A swarm of locus, a swarm of focus
Insect or man they are all trying to get to us
Biblical times full of biblical lies
Welcome to modern life, something called modern times
Isolation, antisocial, self-inflicted separation
High anxiety, lost my mind
Not sure why it all has to rhyme
Gave up and now it’s your turn
Passing on these emotions to the next generation
Feel it all slip away, what have we learned
Giving a fuck means so much more when it is a lie
Welcome to modern life, some bullshit called modern times
World was so much simpler before online
These are my thoughts, these are my notions
No one gives a fuck about your emotions
More cat videos to consume our lives
No one ever wanted to be who they are
Only what they think they could be
Fuck it, you can have it
Welcome to modern life, some fucked up shit called modern times
Words of a lost generation
Ideals pin together against a make shift wall

I’ve been really into Punk Rock lately… I hate the title… because every time I hear Punk Rock… I see some hipster fuck screaming it at the top of their lungs… I hate genre titles in general though… titles are fucking stupid… okay they kind of help… but why does something have to be punk?… metal?… rap?… why can’t it all just be music?… I feel the same about writing… I guess I just don’t like to be pigeon holed into one sort of thing… drives me fucking crazy… but I can’t think of a better solution… My life story maybe?…

So I’ve been listening to a lot of Misfits… Alkaline Trio… dark punk?… fuck, I hate sub genres… short and sweet… that’s what I like about punk… about those bands… get in and get the fuck out… say what needs to be said… move the fuck on… I guess I’m in a “Get some shit off my chest” mood as of late… Normally I listen to a lot of Tool… an unhealthy amount… or so I am told… which is odd… I grew up on a healthy dose of fast… dark… quick songs… I remember when I would not listen to a song… purely based on the length of the song… teenage me was kind of an asshole… : )

Missed a lot of really great music because of that… found it in the end… but I always wonder what did I miss because of the length of a track?… best long song ever?… Dogs… by Pink Floyd… Though to be fair the whole Animals album should be considered one track… fucking genius… My friends in high school tried to get me into Floyd… saw those track lengths and pretend to hear them not speak… who has time to listen to a 17 minute track?… we all do… so take the time… before it is too late… might change your life… give it a chance… we like what we like… just don’t be an asshole about it like I was…

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We Made It Down Here Today… Broken Thoughts All The Same

Heavy handed explanation of nothing at all
A feeling in your heart, a hand around your throat
Broken bodies speaking in tongues
An ancient language only you and I know
Words made of sounds and movements
Killing myself to watch you die
Equality means more than we can understand
Persecution of your heart, of your broken soul
Each thought a loaded weapon against a weak defense
Guilty, charged, walking the winding path
To the hangman’s noose
Together we walk hand in hand
We’ve always known we’d swing together
All that’s left is to not kill each other

So I’ve been meaning to ask
I’ve been dying to know
What is it we reap when we sow?

I’m scratching and I’m bleeding
I’m wondering if this is what I have always been needing
Hidden deep within my skin
A sin so deep no one can see
Used to love all this pain you put me in
An odd feeling buried in my lungs
I’m scratching and I’m bleeding
I’m digging deeper as if this is what I have always needed
Hidden somewhere within me
A secret so deep no one can see
Used to love all these stupid little things
An odd feeling seeped into my brain
I’m scratching and I’m bleeding
I’m wondering if this has always been me

Who the fuck are you to say
You ever thought you’d understand me

Stringing together thoughts only to hope you fear them
A frightening time to be me with a shotgun
Too subtle or too direct I’m not sure
The director said to give it some more feeling so here it is
A catalyst of shame and regret
A drug meant to consume more than just your soul
Make you forget all the things you don’t already know
Rambling on about the vanity in your eyes
Too subtle or too direct I’m not sure
Always been a dick in disguise
An asshole buried deep down inside
I’m smiling but I’m so ready to watch you die

Could someone turn on the light?… got real dark… for no reason why… an endless parade of broken thoughts… had to cut it off somewhere… where to explain… if I should even bother… too subtle or too direct I’m not sure… so unsure about everything… so here it goes…

Heavy handed explanation of nothing at all (Nervousness about a certain thought… wonder what it could be?… lets find out)
A feeling in your heart, a hand around your throat (Subconscious feeling found in others or one’s self… A want… a need?… everyone is different)
Broken bodies speaking in tongues (Sex)
An ancient language only you and I know (Still sex)
Words made of sounds and movements (Even more sex)
Killing myself to watch you die (Realizing all this relationship has purely physical…)
Equality means more than we can understand (This line just sounds good… haha… the realization that not just the man feels this way… using each other… yet still hurts...)
Persecution of your heart, of your broken soul (Anger or hurt over the last said thought… another version in a sense of how could you do this to me?…)
Each thought a loaded weapon against a weak defense (More fighting)
Guilty, charged, walking the winding path (Coming to a general understanding)
To the hangman’s noose (The Pain is all that we know… wanting it together… death)
Together we walk hand in hand (More sex… haha… no it is about moving on)
We’ve always known we’d swing together (A singular idea about relationships… love at first sight… play on words… a play on the idea… a proving how broken they each really are for each other)
All that’s left is to not kill each other (let’s get back to that sex again)

This may actually seems like a real life story… or based completely on truth… in truth it isn’t… a few things are… but not enough to say that this based on anyone I know… sometimes I just get lazy… or don’t have enough time to write a story… pretty lame explanation I am sure… though I was in a relationship a long ass time ago… that was similar… based purely on what else were we going to do at the time?… toxic is the only way to describe that relationship… sometimes love seem so real… then you look back and think what the fuck was I doing?…

To me love seems more of the opposite… you should look back and can’t believe you ever got so lucky… can’t believe you are still with that person… there are and will always be up and down in relationships… friends… family… lovers… but if you can look back and smile?… always a good thing… always something worth fighting for… but what the hell do I know… just another asshole among a crowded toilet… speak your peace… think what you need… live life like it matters… take care of yourself…

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Chewing On Glass… Year 2… Burning Down The House…

“Burning down the house while listening to Purple Rain. I set that mother fucker ablaze. An end to an era. An end to everything. We speak in broken records. Broken words that never make any sense. We drown our sorrows in pain. Choking on a glass of suffering. It all came to me once I understood the meaning of everything. Chewing on glass may never be the same. Screaming our please and thank yous. Were we ever normal to begin with? A life time in the making. A life time left to go. Where things go from here. Only the Devil and I know. “

“So, basically you are just going to ramp up the crazy from here on out?” She asks.

“Yeah, pretty much,” I say with a twisted smile.

I know what I am saying is ignorant
World’s based on ignorant themes
Fitting in was never easy
Taking the step off the bus into the darkness
Early morning thoughts only keep me mourning
Everything around me
Society or a group of assholes?

Sifting through the cold ashes of everything I know
Watching it all burn was a freedom you can’t control

Carving your name into bone
Don’t want to forget what I’m searching for
Really I just want to go home
So sick of only seeing your voice
Hearing your smile
Been so long since I found out
What it means to be ripped inside out

How do you do this?
Look to you for strength
As I stare into the abyss
That is my obsession and wonder
How do you do this to yourself?
For everyone else?
Wondering how I could be you
The strongest person I know
Weak and insecure
Kill myself if it wasn’t for you
Destroy everything
If I didn’t think I could be you
How weak can I be
To dream of being someone who isn’t me
My love turns to admiration
One day I will become
Everything you’ve ever loved
Defining definition of everything
That has become my mission
(For My Mother)

“That is the best thing you haven’t said all day.”
Abigail Zaveri, The Reason Of All Things

Been sitting on a lot of this for a while… felt good to get it off my chest… well out of my head… free up some space for other things… I should make a new logo for this year… I always come up with all of these ideas at the last second… this is why I need an editor… or an agent to point me in the right direction…

My new obsession lately is building bird houses out of scrap wood… wire… and other random things that I find… when I finish the one I am working on… I will post pictures…

There is still time to get in any questions you may have… tonight or early next morning… still unsure how time works in the world… is the dead line… hopefully there will be enough or it is going to get really weird up in here… not really much of a threat… might happen anyway… one can hope…

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Not So Depressing Or Maybe It Is

This Misery

I pretend like I don’t need this
I need every bit, every piece
Of this misery
I pretend like I hate it here
But here is where I feel most at home
In this misery
I pretend like I don’t need this
I need every minute, every second
Of this misery
I pretend like I am better than this
In truth I’m so much worse
Then I give myself credit for
This misery may be all I have
Yet I regret every minute of every second
Every bit, every instance of this place called home
Disown my own self from everything that I know
The misery never leaves me
Sown deep within my bones, within my soul
Could this be all that I know

Stuck

Living in hell
Mortal damnation
Abomination
Salvation and all
That other shit
Stuck living in regret
Stuck pretending I give a shit
Stuck in a hole, left here down below
Living in sin
Immortal acceleration
Condonation
Salvation and all
That other shit
Stuck living in regret
Stuck pretending I give a fuck
Stuck in a hole, well defined
By the walls I have put up

I hesitate to call this work, but it is. I put in long hours each and every day. With little to no repayment. Though in all fairness I’d be doing this anyways whether anyone was reading it or not. I do this more because I don’t think anyone is going to read it. A purge of the mind left some where in time. In a sense I think that this is my broken way of saying thank you. I used to do this alone. That is what I’m used to. Lately I have had to rebuild my broken thoughts and look at how I write.

I write from a fucked up book of past regrets. In other words a green binder with everything I have said in my head over the last three years. Before I started this website I saw this monstrosity as profound. After retyping and rereading everything I realize more than ever that I was stuck. Stuck repeating the same broken sentences, the same broken thoughts over and over again.

With that said I’m kind of lost as of late. How I write and what I say never had a deadline. It was something I did and walked away. No one was going to read it or judge it or care about it. That has been the hardest part of this whole experience. How much do I hold back? How much do I care what other people think? About what you think?

Deep down I pretend that I don’t care. In truth I do. I look forward to responses. I look forward to hearing what you have to say. I’m addicted to what my new friends are saying. It is a strange feeling. The past few years it has only been me. I spend hours a day reading all the posts from everyone. I don’t think that I have ever read so much in my life. I know I need to take a break, but I don’t want to. Pushing through is all I have ever known.

So things may be different from here on out. I’m sure I’ll still be an asshole from time to time. But I can already tell that I am different. I’m not that same as when I started all of this. What I mean is that you have had an impact on me and it is what it is. Which is why this will now be a political blog. Full of politics, conspiracy theories, and well in fact Wednesdays are switching from Broken Thoughts to Crazy Thoughts. We are going to get real weird up in here. So prepare your anus for that. You won’t believe the things that I believe, but just wait and see. Maybe I’m not as crazy as you think.

Just fucking with you… haha… the binder is done… last two poems… up top… going rogue from here and out… you know minus all the shit I have been writing in the last year… did you really think that I have been just sitting around… retyping all shit from the past?… well I haven’t… been sitting around the whole time… I’ve written enough stuff for a post or two… I’m really excited though to show off some of the stuff that I have been working on… some of it is different… some of it is the same… excited to go back and revisit… I’ve been posting some of it on twitter here and there over the last year… so you might see some stuff again… a lot still in my head too… can’t shut this shit off… haha… well this is turning into a long post… Year Two Starts on Wednesday… well maybe… see how I feel…

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