Chewing On Glass…

If we had known anything… We would have stayed naked and bare…

Feeling so restless. Can’t seem to put words to a page. Put the words in the correct space. Even now, I want to scream. Scream a sound until the air has all fun out. Replaced with the sound of tearing vocal cords and blood. Snap the pen in my hand, ink dripping from my fingers, smearing across my face, and ingesting the poisonous remains. Not motivated to do anything. Another bad night. None of my thoughts feel like mine, but I can’t get them out of my head. Restless. Restless as the life escapes me. Time escapes me as I sit still before the blank page. A battle between what I want and what I know I will get. A waste of space.

Filled with jumbled thoughts. I think that I want to be a writer. Then the feeling escapes me at every turn. With so little effort I could just walk away from everything I have done. Maybe that is what I was meant to do. Pack it up and wait to die. If I sit anymore still, what’s the difference? So tired of fighting what I already know. Fighting this feeling growing within my bones. Struggling to understand what I already know. I’m a failure and none of this was meant for me. I was never special or different or worth the effort. I wasn’t meant to be here. Something has been broken in me for a while now.

A failure. To have failed at the only thing I’ve tried. What’s the point? Why bother? Can’t do anything no matter how hard I try. Feeling sorry for myself comes naturally. Though I don’t believe the words. I feel them and I know them, but I don’t believe them. I know there is still hope in me. There is still a drive. Where though is it? Where has it gone? Buried under all this need to quit. The feeling feels lost in time… lost in effort beneath all this failure to succeed. Feel as though something is broken in me and I no longer know what it is anymore.

Yeah, they’ll figure it out in a century or two… What’s for dinner?

Obviously, no one can tell, but having to talk to people about normal things while you think of killing yourself… is awkward. What day is it? Feels like any other day to me.

You can believe what you want to believe… but always remember Jesus was put up on that cross for breaking the law… not for your sins… for blasphemous reasons… something to think about…

What I have learned working with this generation. You could put up a sign that says, “Will be hit in face with baseball bat if you pull lever,” and they will pull that lever without a second thought. Not a question in the world about why such a thing would ever exist or the instinct to duck. Everyday just picking teeth up off the floor with a shrug. But if you ask them to speed it up or show them how to actually do something correctly… you better prepare to pay for counselling. And god forbid you call them by the wrong pronoun… you better start digging your own grave.

All jokes aside… this is the truth. If you are going to be anything in this world… Be efficient. If you are efficient you can be whatever you want. A cat, a woman, a man, or anything you can imagine… no one is really going to give a shit… And if they do? They themselves aren’t worth giving a shit about… If you are efficient enough I’ll clean your litter box myself and call you whatever the fuck you want… but dragging your ass and doing things incorrectly is what is bring you this negative attention not what you feel like inside, what you are wearing, or what skin color you happen to be born with… I got shit to do today and not one thing on that list involves me holding your hand across the finish line.

No, I get it… I’m a size queen myself… I mean if you can get the whole thing in your mouth… What’s the point?…

I hate the grocery store. Not one particular thing, just all of it, but I refuse to order online. It’s a cash grab. They are simply taking advantage and exploiting my hatred for their own gain. It is unjust. I work hard for what little money I make and what now I can’t walk around and pick my own things up off the shelf, scan them, and drive them home? I don’t think so. Now might be a good time to admit that I work in a grocery store and that I am onto them… or us.. they… whatever. It is all one big scam. Big picture though where the fuck are you all heading? What is happening to society when this is becoming the norm? Who is really going to get that extra time you think you are saving? Short term it is the grocery stores. Long term it is whoever is employing you. Big things are going to come for you… civil rights, gun rights, broken drug laws, taxes… But it’s the little things that are really going to kill you. Piece by piece until there is nothing left of you. Vote “NO” on proposition 864.

This Ad paid for by the People Against Things That Don’t Matter.

Have I ever told you the story about Sylvia and Ambrose? No, well at least hear me out.

Before you start carving my cross for anything said here today… unless it is a gift because I do love me some crosses. Most people don’t know this they keep the vampires at bay, but that’s a whole other topic. Before you start sharpening your knives about anything I have said here today… Know that I have a set you can borrow and they are always ready to perform. I’ve trained them to do many things except to obey my commands. Maybe you will have better luck. Before you start getting your chosen underwear in a knot… I’m nothing more than a reflection of what it is that I see. They call us humans. It is unfortunate that they couldn’t come up with something better. Humans just seems so basic. I don’t know about you, but I don’t feel basic. I feel very complicated and hard to read.

I guess the point is that my thoughts and views aren’t all worked out. Maybe by the end I will have figured out what is truth and what is in fact fiction about what I have ever said. Raise an empty glass because I seriously doubt it. I will say this though… being efficient will part most of the assholes out of the way. They’ll still be there though and they will still be talking shit… well because they are assholes. What else were they designed to do? Speaking of design and efficiency the robots are coming and I know we’ve all seen the horrific things they can do on screen and in literature… but I think people are neglecting how truly horrific this revolution is going to be. I don’t want to give them any ideas because we’ve given them enough already, but it is going to be bad. Something to look forward to.

In the meantime let’s keep being shitty to each other and not expect them to pick up on that. Do onto others is going to have a whole different meaning real fucking soon. Not soon enough of course… we like our lessons way past their prime. Humans just seem so complicated. I don’t know about you, but I don’t feel complicated. I feel very basic and easy to read.