Chewing On Glass…

Wasn’t like we had anything better to do with our time
Makes sense we’d wasted it not moving on from this
Wasted it sitting in a room chain smoking all alone
No one said there was a right way, but there’s plenty of evidence
About the many ways I could fuck this up for myself
It’s been well documented that we don’t have a clue
Not even a hint, but somehow we know what is good for me
Can’t seem to discover these discoveries on my own
It’s not the destination it’s the journey even if we’re already there
Makes sense if there’s only dead feelings found in here
Lifeless dead and buzzing feeling trapped under the skin
It moves, it crawls, it has to be human then
A distant relative with a tail I disown
Cook it up and see if it tastes good
If it doesn’t then it can be my friend
A spirit animal I can call my whore
She has long hair, a short stature, and she lays there like a door
He has short hair, a tall stature, and he lays begging for more
She was born a he and he was born a she… confusing the order
Wasn’t like we had anything better to do with our time
Makes sense we’d wasted it not moving on
Wasted it trying to prove things that we don’t even know
No one ever said there was a right way because they don’t know
About the many ways that any of this could turn out to be
It’s been well documented and still we agree to deny
That any of this could be less than a flat starter map
Can’t seem to accept any of the information we’re gathering
So what’s the point if we can’t prove a singular point
That existence isn’t what we know, but what we’re meant to find out
Wasn’t like we had anything better to do with our time

I was going to save this for a future project… but something I wrote recently came calling back to me…

There’s an empty feeling growing inside of me
That has become my only true friend
Wasn’t sure they understood me either
Turns out their opinion wasn’t real
Words wasted on trying not to be lonely
Only equals wasted tears
Worrying about what you might say
Turns out if no one knows it doesn’t matter

This of course comes from a much larger Broken Thought I am currently working on… If I could choose a weakness out of the many that I possess… It would be that I save the “good stuff” for my books and projects… Which in retrospect isn’t even true… Because what is good or great or worth anything isn’t even up to me… Therefore all I am really doing is holding myself back because I am scared…

I’ve been really trying to work through things about myself… Things I try to run from with my art or my words or however anyone sees what I do… One of those things is the fear of giving myself away… so I hoard all these things and I wait for an approval that isn’t going to come… It is mental to believe that anyone is going to know what I am capable of if I hide it all away…

Because again I am scared… that all of this is a waste of time… that I will fail… that I am not good enough… and in the end… All of those things are true without even trying… It isn’t easy cracking open one’s mind and inviting everyone to take a look… It isn’t any easier to put your life into something that no one knows is even there… Which leads me to the bigger question of all of this… What do I do any of this for?…

It isn’t for fame… because I don’t have that in the slightest… and I write… It isn’t to win some special award… I don’t even believe such a thing really exists… and still I write… It isn’t for fortune… I don’t have anything close to that either… and still I keep writing… Selfishly I write for anyone looking to escape along with me… but if no one knows then I write for no one…

Art is subjective because it needs to be shared… Art isn’t anything without the other… I am an artist… I believe in my art… and what I do… I don’t do this to kill my time… or waste yours… I do this because this is what I was meant to do…

All I ever wanted from any of this was to be here with you… So what am I so afraid of?… So afraid of losing?… There’s a slow start to everything… even the things we know we are sure of…

“Existence isn’t what we know, but what we’re meant to find out.”