Chewing On Glass…

In My Head It Disappears…

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chewingonglass

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Thinking too hard about what to say
The moment I thought I was having
Slips away… Where it went?
Where ever it goes? Whatever this is?
Isn’t anything I was trying to do or say
I’d scream my uncertainty louder
But I know that it can’t escape through my skin
I know it wouldn’t help alleviate this feeling
Tried too many times before to try again
Thinking too hard about what I’m saying
The genesis I thought I had… wasn’t anything
Drifts away… Where it goes?
Where ever it went? Whatever this is?
An attempt at trying to be myself
I wish it would come back to me
I’d try harder, but I know it isn’t helping
Done it one too many times before
Pushed myself beyond my limits
Holding my head under the water
Breathing it in… Only to breathe it back out
None of it though is really helping
To bring any of these feelings back to me
The fog is rolling in real nice and thick
Over thinking it is making me sick
It makes me sad… Where does it go?
Where do the voices come from?
The ones that tell me to kill myself?
Again and again…
Thinking too hard about what to say
Don’t want to scare anyone away
The moment of clarity I thought I was having
Replaced by the familiar feeling trapped inside
The moment I thought I was having
Slips away… Drifts away…
And I’m just left here breathing in
What I’ve said… What I’ve felt…
All alone it all has to go somewhere
Until it is time to visit me once again

Something Different

Merch
Visuals
Books
Media
Thoughts

Lately I have been dealing with a lot of writer’s block… Really it is more like self-doubt about anything and everything I have to say… Because I have been writing a whole lot of nothing that doesn’t seem to be going anywhere… It is like the thoughts are there… the ideas are present… and the effort to put it all together just isn’t there… I can’t seem to say what I am trying to say…

It makes me question the whole damn thing… my writing… my time… my life… as it slowly slips away… I don’t know where it is going… Where it has gone… Strapped to a ride I’m no longer sure I want to be on… Maybe it is time to do something else… maybe this is all it ever was… A moment I wasn’t meant to understand… Maybe I’m being a little bitch about the whole damn thing…

I’ve felt this way before… many times… but not for nearly this long… Just drifting through day to day hoping something will change… The words stacking up against me… The feeling isn’t going away… I’ve tried to ignore it… work through it like it wasn’t there… I’ve tried to embrace it… accept that this is just who I am now… And still this particular feeling haunts me… There’s no getting around it no matter how hard I try…

I had something and now I have lost it… All I have left is to patiently wait to remember who I thought I was… Pulling against the skin of my lip out of frustration… knowing that whatever it is… that something I once thought I had… is somewhere in here sitting dormient for no reason at all… In my head it all disappears… only to come back again…

In other news… My big toe hurts… Hope all is well…

5 responses to “In My Head It Disappears…”

  1. tara caribou Avatar
    tara caribou

    I totally feel you on this one. “It makes me question the whole damn thing… my writing… my time… my life… as it slowly slips away…” I’m basically in the same mindset and I don’t know how to get out of it or if I even should. Maybe the previous part of my life was the lie and this is what it’s supposed to be. Or maybe I’m just not writing because the doubt and self-disgust is too great and I am unable to find my way around it. Anyway… all that to say, I feel this.

    And also… why does your toe hurt?!

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    1. chewingonglass Avatar
      chewingonglass

      Tara you are the best… and I know one day every one who doesn’t know that… will.

      I wish there was a better way to describe and talk about this “Feeling” we both feel without repeating each other… It is such a weird mindscape to be in and not get out of… I can easily point to all the amazing work you have had a hand in over the years… from your collections to your original work… and say you are crazy… But I know you are not and know exactly what you mean… This “feeling” has to be a writer’s burden or a creative’s burden really… Something we all must be feeling… A double edge sword really…

      Because I know that I’d feel better with a million likes and all the praise in the world… but I also know that I couldn’t handle it if I did… The part that makes it so hard is that it is something no one talks about… None of my heroes in writing have ever said anything remotely close to it… They all seem to just be creating with no burden… as though they were fated by the stars to do this and only this… Compounding this feeling of doubt in me at every turn… As though maybe I’m not something enough to keep climbing this ladder… I know that I want to be on… It is crippling… It might also be why all my heroes drank themselves to death… Now that I think about it…

      The hardest part about this business… beside it being a business… is that it isn’t all about talent or content… Like in life it is about luck… who you know… who knows you… who finds us by chance… and in the nature of our chosen profession… We are not used to not being in control… Our work is our work because that is the way we wanted it to be… We just need to keep pushing through and wait for our chance out there for the stars to align… I know that we both believe in what we are doing and that what we are doing is worth our time…

      On a more serious note… haha… I was playing with my dog in the backyard earlier in the year and broke my toe… I don’t think it ever really healed properly… So now it hurts randomly for no reason/ getting old… hope all is well…

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  2. tara caribou Avatar
    tara caribou

    Everything you’re saying here, I’m nodding my head: yep, yep, exactly. And I do agree about so many writers drinking themselves to death, as part of this existence, or trying to cope with this wire in our heads… we all try in various ways to make it work or be okay.

    In terms of the toe… yikes! Toes are hard parts to heal right (I can attest that on a personal level). Last winter I had an oak pallet fall onto my heel and broke it. Took weeks to “heal” but even now it hurts when I’m in shoes too long (which isn’t often, truth be told). So, I feel ya there!

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    1. chewingonglass Avatar
      chewingonglass

      Not the heel… Damn that had to hurt… Breaking a toe sucks… but the heel is straight out of a horror film… shiver… Glad it healed enough to walk on it most of the time… What are you going to do this winter though?… (You’re like don’t remind me.) Hopefully boots will give you more support than shoes…

      Getting along with others is hard… Getting along with ourselves can be even harder…

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      1. tara caribou Avatar
        tara caribou

        Going barefoot (as I generally do), my heel doesn’t bother me too much most days. Any footwear kills me. We’ll see how this winter treats me.

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