Chewing On Glass Presents: Bobby…

The man shakes as he speaks his words more transparent than his presence. His needs outweigh his wants by now, but it is all trivial in the end. We wanders from table to table on the outdoor patio. He wants someone to listen to him. “God is good,” I can hear him say from the next table over. He has a speech rambling in his head only the audience isn’t willing to listen. He is off to another table talking to himself as he goes along. Explaining his speech on deaf ears and intoxicated minds. Taking the appropriate amount of time with each thought, each word as though anything he has to say is important. A girl at the next table goes down the rabbit hole with him, but she soon comes up for air and walks away. So he moves on. He is a disciple of God he proclaims as he reaches my table. I inherit my new role in all of this with grace. Something is off about him and I don’t think it is the alcohol. Jesus he repeats. He is the disciple of Jesus not God. Though Jesus is God he explains. He seems confused as to what even he is saying as he says it, but I listen all the same. Who am I to turn away a fellow story teller? He engages with everyone at my table. More so than I have for the past few minutes. He takes a seat in the empty chair at our table. Uninvited but not pushed away. He found what he was looking for in us. An audience who can’t look away. He sets the scene, lays out the characters, and tells us his tale. A tale of heart break, a tale of pain. It is a story that is easy to judge after the fact, but you know that during it all there was, was pain. Love is fickle in that way. Intense, everlasting, all that there is, and after a time it is nothing at all. A mistake, a bad decision, a waste of time, but for some that time never ends even after the fact. Insert Bobby, insert God, and insert the reason he sits before us today. Drinking is not new to him. Drinking and science is what lead him here today, but like most people around these parts God showed him the way. A woman left, the woman left him he stresses with every little detail. He was sad so he drank. Tried to drink the pain away. He was successful for a moment in time. Only he tried to do something else that night, drive home. Illegal enough of an activity to call his actions stupid, irresponsible, dangerous, and yet we haven’t even gotten to all the details. Drinking plus heartbreak plus speed can only equal one thing to most of us. Lucky to make it out of the wreck alive if not destroyed. Lucky that no one else was hurt or anywhere near his selfish act. Bobby found something he didn’t know he was missing until then. Bobby found God or so his story goes. As he thanked him with a prayer between sips of beer. Didn’t thank science or the doctors. He didn’t thank the people around him that took care of him while he recovered from the horrible accident that left him with irreversible brain damage. No he thanked God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. He finishes his beer and gets up from the chair. Asks if we found Jesus? Before wandering off once again. In search of a new audience to hear the same speech repeating in his head.

This one is pretty dark… very different… and Bobby very much exists… I meet him for a brief moment… almost seven years ago… while going through my notes I found my notes on the evening… my friend at the table told me after he left… that this would be a good story… so I wrote some notes down… left it at that for almost a decade… one because I buried the notes… and two because I didn’t know how to approach the story…

It isn’t my style… especially back then… back then I had no style… but I knew that, that wasn’t the style I was going for… recently I had a change of heart… I found the notes and I set out to finish it… it isn’t long and it isn’t epic… but it is real… I don’t know if Bobby still walks the earth telling his tale… I hope so… but just in case… here it is…

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Broken Thoughts… Got To Have You On My Wall…

Digging a grave
Same as you
Meet you there
If there even exists
Lighting the candle
For your soul
Bet I’ll be you there
Smile on my face
A shame buried in my heart
Take everything handed out
Take everything you are
Willing to give away
Fears, regrets, embarrassments
Demon born of the night
An asshole without a face
Found my purpose
Now there is no going back
Peel the curtain to reveal
Who it is that I have become
Stuck in place and waiting
Toothless grin smeared across
My face
Demented, fucked in the head
So sure you’d like to be me?

Yes, the words are blurry… Thoughts I see clearly…

It all sounds good on paper
Until you have to look the person
You are fucking in the eyes
Best of luck being the asshole
You’ve always wanted to be
Smile it is all so much simpler
On broken knees

Filling in the negative space with hate and rage…

Processing the guilt with no one left to forgive
Hate to say this but it’s the effect I give
Driving away at the highest speeds
Looking for a wall with my name
A rare occurrence I left back home
The cans all ran out but the scars still shine
A thick crust of blood and love
How can I say this in the best possible way
Get the fuck out my head
Warning signs were always there
I’ve lost my mind and that is just fine
So long as you take it with you when you die
A parting gift with too many ribbons
Pretty bow to hang it all from

Maggots falling of the trash can… demented image to get stuck in your head… watching the birds pick them off one by one… life taken in an instant… life continuing in a flash… the word life doesn’t make much sense… even when it does…

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Broken Thoughts… This Is Where I Found You…

Waiting these feelings out
Digging a hole in the ground
Chiseling out the words
That will define me
Heart no longer beating
Got to keep moving
Crashed too many times to make sense
Burning
Loved you most when I knew
Your hate wasn’t a thought
But the truth
Wandering down a winding path
Destination no longer in the past
Watered down drinks
Dismissive, unclear adjectives

Feel like I’m suffocating in a room full of windows…

This Is Where I Found You

Cold wind blows in
A heart of steel and glass
Shattered pieces blowing in the wind
Eyes full of pain and tears
An endless idea of everything I bring
This is where I found you
As I watched you die
By my hand
By my thoughts
By my loneliness
Cold wind blows in
A heart made of dirt and sand
Shattered existence blowing in the wind
Hour glass full of time
Slipping from my hands
This is where I found you
As I watched you slowly drown
From my hands
From my thoughts
From my loneliness
Cold wind blows in
A heart made from the dead and the living
Shattered existence blowing in the wind
Head full of unrealized thoughts
An endless idea of everything I have
This is where I found you
As I watched you try to live
By my hand
By my thoughts
By my loneliness
There is no place you shall ever be
By my side and everything you’ve meant to me
Kill you as we slowly die
The demons always coming from inside

Why climb a mountain if you can walk up it…

Busy chasing ghosts
Let the dead go
Dead, dying, some sort of living
Let the dead sleep
They deserve what little peace
We can give them

Going through my notes… for the next couple of post… dark storm clouds are rolling in… feel like I am reading from a script… Not sure how the next few posts will be different from any other day… thinking of taking up a job as a weatherman… weather person?… I’m joking of course so, I don’t care much for being politically correct… offensive?… what do you come here for?.. coddling the sack is not how this all started… driven to a point where I’m willing to insert the shaft… this life style is not for the weak… but for those of us that have shit to do today… a constant grind… one more post and then I can be done… a lie I tell myself so I can move on… another day… another year… I’ll always be willing to rot here in place…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Broken Thoughts… Turning My Head To The Side…

Breaking down the barrier
Between then and now
Forever lost in your thoughts
How it is, how it should be
Like suffering where you sit
Here we are trapped in all this shit
An endless cycle
Without a defined beginning
Like suffering as you breathe
Struggling through every breath
Here I am waiting on your sin

Broken wings too bent to fly…

Your words hurt me
I won’t admit this truth
Face to face
The truth burns deep inside my head
An insect among the dead
Feared and never respected
Bring the truth of the world to light
Eating all that you dispose
In the darkness I grow

Scattered across the floor of my mind…

Apocalypse Dawn
Burning scars across the face of it all
The embers burn into a blaze of thought
Screaming words to prove I’m sane
The poison long injected into the vain
Been longing to die with them all along
Just didn’t know it had to be so soon
As quickly as now
Trading everything to not fit in
The transactions leaving tracks across the skin
Selling parts of me to prove I’m not them
Antisocial and got it wrong
Suffering alone for no reason at all
Just didn’t know that it had to make no sense
Not even now
A confusing time to figure it all out
At the apocalypse dawn

Wait that last one isn’t a Broken Thought… it is a poem… yeah well shit changes… Originally only had the title… Apocalypse Dawn… which is why I wrote every line to “As quickly as now“… in the first place… should have been the end of the thought… as it was when I wrote it months ago… but on second pass today… I thought that it was way to violent for no reason at all…

I’m not one to shy away from violence… being vulgar… but even I have a change of heart… when there is no reason for it… So I started fucking around with it and came up with the rest… turned it from a violent world ending thought… to being about growing old… retrospective today?… maybe…

While messing around I wrote three other lines that I took out… they were good… but I only wanted the idea of what they said rather than the actual words themselves…

A fashion statement with no reason
Just go back to the beginning
To see where this began

Maybe I will use them later for something else… or they will get buried in my notes… but without context they are very vague… the first line here is about trends and all the things we do to be “different”… something I am very guilty of… not a bad thing… but as we grow older… as we out grow the trend of the time… popular or not… we may still keep some of things we did as children… but mostly we shed all that we can to fit in to society in the end… All the kids are like fuck that this is me for life… and all of us “old people” are having flashbacks earlier times…

Need examples?… why the fuck not… my thoughts are on display anyway… Growing up I was Punk as fuck… you know like everyone else… I was rebellious to a point… I had crazy hair… basically my bangs grown all the way to the center of my chest and the rest of my head shaved… dyed black of course… finger nails painted… very Misfits… blended with what I also loved at the time… pop punk… lip ring… long shorts… skater shoes… I also had to have black bracelets… the rubbery jelly kind… because Joey Jordison from Slipknot had them… so I had to have them too… I was a mix of fashions… because I was so “different” then everyone else…

I carried these rebellious choices for a long ass time… It was me and was always going to be me… let me tell you kids don’t even know… hit that first job… lost half of myself in an instant… lip ring had to come out (I kept this for awhile… had to take it out when I got to work… but when all you do is work… it became too much of a pain in the ass to take out every day)… nails must be clean… and absolutely no bracelets… I fought some of these rules… I had changed my hair by then… you know because Davey Havok from AFI had a full head of long black hair… so I needed that too… but for the most part it was fit in or starve…

Sell out?… maybe… but somethings aren’t worth fighting for… growing older you learn the difference… for me fashion didn’t define me for me… my thoughts… my words… the music I like… those define me… and can’t be taken away… Lost track of where I was going with this… but shit changes whether you want it to… think it won’t… or believe in your heart of hearts that it can’t?.. unless you are rich… then you can shit from the roof tops with no regrets… fitting in has such a dirty taste…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Almost forgot… a thought… Apocalypse Dawn… Would make such an awesome band name… yeah sometimes the thoughts are as simple as that… and everything else just leaks out…

Chewing On Glass Presents… Beginning of All Things to End…

“Things went from bad to worse,” he says as they walk down the long corridor. “What do you mean?” One of his colleagues asks. “Most importantly they are being taken to the facility right now to insure there will be a future them,” he says ignoring the question all together. “Doesn’t matter there won’t be,” another colleague responds. They move quickly through the corridor making sure no one sees them. “Sure maybe not now but twenty or thirty years from now when they have figured it out. It will be the end of the world,” the leader lays out. They arrive at an unmarked door. Looking around he inserts his key card, “Quickly we don’t have much time. The cameras have already alerted them I’m sure.” The three of them enter the room. “We need to erase whatever we can,” the leader says. “What are we even really doing here?” One of them asks. They walk through the stacks of tanks. Each one containing what looks to be a fetus. “Trust me they won’t have cloning figured out by then. Cloning doesn’t work now and by the time it does it be two hundred or more years before it does. And even by then none of them will be relevant beyond history books,” a colleague states. “Exactly, we need to stop them now. These are all nothing more than failures. But the potential each container contains. This is where it all starts. This is where we have to make our stand,” the leader says. “Your fear of that future is irrelevant. Some other monster will take their place,” one of them states. They begin pulling electrical board after board as the tanks switch to back up power. “We will impact the next fifty years by our actions today. We fucked up already letting them go into hiding. Who knows exactly how much information they were able to collect behind our backs,” the leader says. “Doesn’t matter they won’t have us when all this is over. The others will find them and do their part. Same as before. This won’t be over but you’re right we can slow it down.”

The lights begin to flash as the backup systems trigger the disturbance. “We are in the final moments of our chance to do your part. Destroy whatever you can,” the leader orders. They split up and rush through the room pulling board after board. Sloppy they pull what they can as they hear the door open and the boots of their oppressors marching through. “Use extreme force,” they hear someone order before they hear the sound of bullets breaking glass. The sounds of screaming and death soon to follow. The floor is wet in more than just blood as the last one of the resistance takes their final breath. A solider walks over to their dying body. “If you do the devil’s work then you are,” a bullet to the head silences the room. “Sweep the room, recover the bodies, and report back,” the solider orders. The others do as they are told. Dragging the bodies of the dead to the center of the room. The sound of the door opening again fills the room. The sound of footsteps on glass follows. “Report,” a man in a white coat demands. “All deserters accounted for and terminated. Zero causalities on our side. They were unarmed. Damage unknown. Believed to be minimal,” the solider reports. “Good job. Could have been executed sooner, but good job none the less,” the man in the coat says. “Thank you sir,” the solider responds. “Now if we can figure out how they were able to bypass their programming?” The man in the white coat questions out loud.

Odd title… wonder if it is connected?… I’m sure it is… quick and easy story… a thought to link two ideas… is what it is… forever and a day to get it done… see you all again real soon…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Broken Thoughts… For Your Sake I Hope This Goes Better Than In My Head…

Breaking glass
The water is creeping in
Head on collision
The water will always take
What is mine
Cracking foundation
The ground is caving in
Breaking through
The ground will always swallow
Me whole
Everything in this world
Is coming for me
Black cloud hanging
Begging me to come in
Desperately trying to fight it off
A losing battle in my head
Breaking me down
This is all it ever was
A thought I couldn’t give up

Cynical… Obstructive… Hypocritical…

In my spare time
In the absence of thought
You are all I can think of
Past, present, and this
Prison sentence undeserved
I still serve, afraid of the answers
Finding them, hammering at the chains
That still bind us together
No longer a time or place
Here and now
Chipping away at all the thoughts
Caged inside my mind
What did you really do
When my back was turned
Fuck your lies
It’s time, the truth, set me free
From this waking nightmare
In my mind
So sick of wanting to die

All my heroes killed themselves… Literally and figuratively…

If only everything wasn’t trying to kill me
If only all of this would just do it
If only life wasn’t so hard
Caffeine is rotting my brain
Can’t stay awake
Nicotine is taking my lungs
Can’t stop the shaking
Alcohol is making me crazy
Can’t change anything I’ve become
If only everything would go away
If only all of this would be okay
If only life was never this way

Well that got depressing fast… not even having a bad day… did at some point though… proof in the words that came out… can’t take one hundred percent credit on that last one… I was… still am listening to a lot of Queens of the Stone Age… that last one was inspired by two of their tracks… Feel Good Hit of the SummerIf Only… and everything I was going through at the time… If Only was the anthem that got me through most of this last year…

I know I said I finished all the thoughts from last year… but I found a few more… shouldn’t be a thing… pick at scabs… tearing open old wounds… seems to be a common theme around here that I’d like to ignore… but like maggots on a corpse… I’m just some how drawn to them… feeding on all the thoughts I try to ignore…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Chewing On Glass Presents… Wait and See…

I’m startled awake confused as to where I am and where I should be. I can feel the bang of the door as much as I think I can hear it. “I’m going already. Give it a rest,” I shout but they don’t care. The door rattles with every strike. Must mean something to bang this damn long. I try to get up and at first it seems that I am having the hardest of times. Everything seems out of place in my brain as I. There’s no other way to describe what happens to me next. No way other than I rise up? A ghostly outline of my former self. Neither here nor there or anywhere to be exact. I watch over my lifeless shell. Who I used to be? Who I am now? Who I will be forever? Confusion doesn’t even begin to explain the feelings of everything that is happening. My door flies open. No more banging. 

The first emergency responder to rush into my tiny studio apartment seems as though he is caught between two places. Nervousness and excitement flashes across his face in a slow motion that plays out in rapid speed. His partner half a step behind him. Their heavy bags land with a thud next to my bed, next to me. What is left of me? One of them picks up the phone next to my vessel’s hand. Says a few words I can not fully hear or understand, and hangs up the phone. The other searches for a pulse. Finding nothing of course they begin chest compressions. The difference between life and this is only a second but I imagine every second counts at this point. I imagine what is left of my time counts for something when a life is on the line. Try as they might the only fight left is the fight they aren’t willing to let go. I’ve made my peace as I watch them try. As I watch the needle fall from my arm and onto the floor. I’ve made my peace I think though it would seem that I haven’t. A by stander to my own end and a shitty narrator to my new beginning.

 If God is real he is nothing more than a trickster. Proving a point that only the dead could understand. Even if everything feels like a dream or a shitty nightmare played out in my head. Is this real? Is this the high or something else? The two EMTs fight and fight to bring me back. I wonder why I didn’t do the same. Why do they care so much when I didn’t? I want to make them stop. Tell them thank you but I did this, and it is what I deserve. We die, I died the end. What’s really left to say? A lifeless corpse with shit in his veins. How else was this going to end? Is this the way I wanted it? Sure why not? Had to happen at some point or another. Death waits for no one or nothing. More so when you play with it like I have. This is what I deserve and they don’t deserve to watch it all fold out. Embracing my new beginning. Embracing what comes next it would appear that this was all only a warning. A second look at what it is that I have done. Something draws me back to my vessel. Tells me to lay back down. Not a thought or an idea the feeling is beyond my understanding to explain. I do what it is I feel I must. Maybe if I lie back down. Lay perfectly still the two parts will become whole once more? Nothing to lose at this point. I try to recreate the position my shell is in on the bed.

What comes next is nothing short of a rebirth. The feeling of waking up after a long slumber as I spring back to life. Gasping for air and for the first time in what feels like forever I feel it. I feel it all. The tears flow down my face as I look into their eyes. Euphoric at first and then nothing but pain. Startled and relieved I grab the collar of the EMT closest to me, “Thank you.” Thank you is all I have to say. Thank you for what however we will just have to wait and see.

So two months in… some of you may have noticed that the “horror writer”… isn’t writing a writing a whole lot of horror stories… in some ways I am… but if you had this thought then you are correct… I’ve been experimenting as much as I can lately… stretching this idea of horror beyond serial killers and ghost… in truth the likeliness of any of us running into a serial killer or ghost is extremely low… statistically possible but very unlikely… the idea that we might die at any moment… some government agency or entity is changing the course of history… a broken heart snapped in half by our own hands… or in this case drug overdose… seem a little more likely… (Side note… I don’t believe in ghosts… but I don’t have any proof that they don’t exist…)

Any way… I’m sure I will sneak a crazy psychopath in here eventually… or maybe I already have?…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter