So Much Better On My Mind…

Always There

My guilt takes precedence
Like a hit that I can’t get rid of
Feel like shit but at this point
Who doesn’t wish they were dead
I bring the fire and I bring the pain
Wish I had more like something to say
When it is only a feeling it is much harder to convey
My thoughts are my actions
And I’m making them every day
All I really want
Is for this to go away
Tomorrow may be new but I already know
It will feel the same
My guilt grows like a tumor in my brain
I hate myself but I wish I could cut it away
Even if I could stop I already know
It will, this feeling will stay forever

Now Available On Amazon

Broken Thoughts Vol 1: Between You and Me

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter



Broken Thoughts… Sinking Deeper…

Bowing before the evil laid out
A master plan with no eyes
Built upon treacherous lies
The master is the power
Power by thy name
We continue to follow a path
Built upon sin
Smiling as we skip along
Oblivious to what we have done

Light headed and passing along…

Setting the world on fire
To see you burned by the flames
No one ever told me
It was the same as living
Everyday
Sinking down in the ash
Think I’d forget what it all meant
Be wrong to think you’ve
Ever known anything
The rain will come
Take away the memories
Broken thoughts and heartbreak
The rain will come
Wash you away from me
The rain will come
Resetting everything
They’ll remember me
Because I won’t let them forget
Carving my place in the ground
The sun will return
And cleanse us all

While the depression only grows…

Locked inside my head
I’ve never questioned
Why I wanted to be dead
Looking past the reflection
Blurred lines of what I observe
Scratching at the walls
The scars hurt, scars aren’t small
Locked inside my head
I’ve never questioned
Why I am the way I am
Hollow shell with nothing left

A lot of thoughts burning through my head… banging against my skull… what am I going to do with the rest of my day?… still plenty of stories to edit… post… work through… videos to make… things to do… not sure what it is I want to do at all… take a break… get something to eat… push through all of this… push past the need and succumb to the want… haven’t already… what is one more…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Broken Thoughts… Pleasure From The Pain…

A life lived is a life lost
The loneliness doesn’t start willingly
But it only grows over time
Unrequested but here we are
Making the best of the only situation
Slowly dying, no time to fight the need
Keep going for it is the only way to be
Please tell me one more time
How to fucking feel in my head
Please tell me one more time
How normal I’ve always been

That would be really embarrassing… Getting your ass kicked by someone taking a shit…

Time after time
Think this time the words will stick
Changing circumstances has never proven
To result in an overall difference
Drown me, distort me, take it all away
If being me was part of some plan
I’m good, rejection of an idea
Think this time I may have found the answer
Before the question
What the fuck am I even doing here?
Pleasuring myself from all the pain
Smiling, opening wide, taking it all with a laugh
Never thought I’d figure it out
Took less time then I had
Always in a hurry
Smashing through the words
Is there a deeper meaning? I’m sure
As sure as I know it doesn’t matter

Shh… truth is like glass… solid until it cracks…

Waiting in the dark
For anything to happen
A spark of thought
The world to fucking end
Up for anything at this point
Anything other than this
Waiting for the darkness to go away
Better luck drowning myself in a river of shit
Biblical and subversive
Makes no sense but who am I to complain
Never meant to be anything more
Than who I am

There always seems to be some discussion going on about what is too far… too much… we push limits… that is what we have been designed to do… drawing a line in the sand… comes off only as a new bench mark to what we can do… should we though?… when is too far… too far?…

Then it comes down to what we are capable of… anything we are told… stacking the bodies against the odds… it would appear true… we wanted to fly… so we did… we wanted to touch beyond the sky… so we did… we want to take another planet… and we will… an idea… like a spark… takes more than one… what we are capable of… good or bad… isn’t limited to just one… that’s a scary thought…

No one has ever been successful on their own… yet we strive to separate ourselves from everyone else… to rise ahead of the pack… to become the leader… I know that there is something here to what I am saying… can’t put a finger on it… the power isn’t in the individual but the collective?… one’s success doesn’t represent them but us all?… if this is true… why does it never feel that way?… living life at the bottom has never felt like living a life at all… cog in the machine… a thought buried inside us all… What are we really capable of… if we all come together?… the ants figured it out… nature figured it out… and we can’t figure out what to do with all this progress… maybe too far wasn’t far enough…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Broken Thoughts… Secrets Are Never Worth Keeping…

A break from reality
Spinning out of control
Thought you owned me
Thought you had me against the wall
You were never more wrong
A break from normalcy
Breaking down from the core
Thought you knew me
Thought so many things didn’t you
You couldn’t be more wrong
A break from everything
Digging down deep
Thought you could be me
Thought everything was so easy
You have never been so wrong
So simple minded
So insignificant
If you didn’t know you already were

I’ve got a deal for your soul…

With an empty mind and a heart full of cold
Walking the earth seems less like a task
More like something I have to do
Writing down every thought of you
With an empty mind and a heart full of gold
Capsized in between two rivers
Taking another breath seems more like a task
Then it should have to
Intentions meant to ease my attention
Only seem to drown my head in more shit
With an empty mind and heart full of cold
Breaking away from myself seems less like a task
And more like something I have to do
Coughing up blood made of passion
Once cared now I fear that I don’t
Lonely symptom of existence
Going through easy days as if I have no choice

Now that we are talking about it… It kind of hurts..

Wasting time for no reason why
Thinking of all the things I could say
Wasting time looking for a reason
Thinking about how I could
If only I would
Have I told you yet about how tired I am?
Can’t stop thinking about all the wasted time
Can’t do anything I can’t do anything about
Depression, laziness, excuses
Wasting time for no reason at all
Thinking maybe today or tomorrow
Try never because all I do is
Waste time looking for a reason
To justify why I do what I do

Lately everything feels like it is going to hell… the world… shit around me… but I feel so calm… that none of it feels real… I’m so lost in my own selfishness… that as everything sinks under… burns to the ground… I don’t notice or care… feeling the heat… but what does it matter to me?… growing older?… growing smarter?… learned over time… that the more I try to fix… the worst everything becomes… can’t dodge the flames forever… but until they touch the skin?… what difference does it make?…

Life is a spinning wheel it seems… there is always something… something in the way… something clearing a path… something hurting me… something trying to kill… and it all feel so useless… does it matter if it will come any way?… I wouldn’t stand in front of a moving train and think I can stop this… so why would I fight the fucking wheel?… with the same out come… what am I fighting so hard for?… feel almost as if my human switches has been turned off… the passion… the drive… the anger… the screaming… doesn’t change a god damn thing… so why bother with any of it?…

How I feel… feels like depression… but maybe it is just realization… happenstance of enlightenment… this all comes off as me being an asshole and something so much more than I should be… duality of a situation… spent too much time trying to figure it all out… only to understand there is nothing at all to figure out… finding hope in the scars… looking for truth in a lie… burying myself so I don’t die… all pointless if you ask me…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Broken Thoughts… Now Is My Time… All Mine…

Insignificant sacrifice in my head
Another day living among the dead
Coming to the conclusion that
All of this was never meant to make sense
Another day living with your love
Bleaching my brain to rid myself
Of all this pain, dead memories
The sick ideas of happiness
A future without pain isn’t worth living
Wish I could forget everything I have ever said
Feelings left over in a dying heart
Slowly learning this feeling
Will never go away

Well good luck… I hope you find what it is you’ve been desperately searching for…

Time ticking away slowly
Wasting minutes thinking about nothing
Losing daylight wondering what could have been
Each sentence longer than the last
Each memory shorter than the one before
Slowly eating away at myself
Wasting hours wondering about nothing
Losing night thinking about what could have been
Knowing anything
Never changed a thing
Wasting away all the same
Knowing anything
Never changed the time
Wasting away all the same
Time ticking away slowly
So much time wasted on what could have been
Chasing ghost through the past

This is the sound of a heart breaking…

Spending time thinking about everyone else
Fuck’em and watch them drown
Society pressing down on me
Why should I care when no one cares?
Who the fuck am I to change what is
Already broken?
Fitting in never felt so ugly until the day
I did
Drowning couldn’t be the worst way to go
When living each and every day
Feels like a chore
Think I am an asshole?
Only repeating words that I have heard
Throwing this shit right where it belongs
Screaming into your face only got me so far
Pushing limits to know the limits
Have been pushed to the max
Matter of time before
All of this starts over
An endless cycle I no longer want to be a part of
Not the first person to feel like this
Pressing harder against the skin
Back the fuck up or I’ll make it all go away
Maybe it is time to learn a lesson from what we say
What we do, there has to be some solution
Buried in all this shit
There has to be something more than this
Death and distractions, pressure and pain
Stuck in the eye of it all
No where to go
Spinning out of control
Now is my time
To let it go

That last one just kept going… this group of Broken Thoughts… was actually based on the absence of thought… writer’s block in a way… had plenty of shit to say at the time… but I was too busy thinking about everything else… everyone else… thinking about all the time that I waste doing nothing at all… so much stuff that I want to do… that I just do nothing at all… that bothers me more than having nothing to say… it is one thing to have an empty mind and a whole other thing to just be lazy…

My excuse is that I’m tired… and maybe I am… but it is still an excuse… other people can do it… why can’t I?… perception is everything in this world… perception is shit… the world is an illusion… and yet I can’t help but look back on myself… reflect on all the negative things that I do… to myself… to others… to the ones I love… being human sometimes is too much to bare… perception will play with your mind… good and bad… maybe you think these things about me?… maybe I make it look easy… always busy… playing with perception…

Years invested in all these thoughts… nothing happened overnight… nothing has even happened yet… digging a hole one day I will regret… because that is the path of life… a grave is more than a hole in the ground… and a mind is more than the thoughts that surround it… broken or fixed… thoughts that I can’t help but live with…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Broken Thoughts… Before We Met… (Video)…

There’s a darkness that covers the sun
Night during the day
This feeling won’t go away
Is it morning or is it night
Does in matter?
There’s no will to even fight
Streams of consciousness
No more will to live
An idea without any sound
Bury me now
Before I drown
Take it for what you will
A rebirth with no resolution
Empty thoughts
Feelings of hopelessness
Trapped in an existence that
Doesn’t exist
Doesn’t Exist

Feel like I’m suffocating in a room full of windows…

It’s all pretty pointless
A fucking joke I tell myself
Why am I here
If I don’t want to be?
Why keep going
If none of it matters?
Do you see where I’m coming from
Lost my mind or only just begun?
A lot of questions with no answers
You think I’m wrong
But, know that I am right
Hate myself from somewhere deep inside

I actually posted this video last July… in case you missed it… here it is… pretty dark… but what did you expect from me?… wrote the music myself… though I was heavily inspired by Nine Inch Nails for this one,… really wanted a soft and then loud noise type of feel… it wasn’t everything I had in my head… but it was close enough… there is a “live” version I might post or use later of the same track… unsure… I like it… but it is a little odd… wait… everything I do is a little odd…

The words are from the video… in case you can’t watch it right now… not missing out on much… just music… still trying to figure out exactly what I want to do with my YouTube channel… hopefully by now I have figured out… Hope all is well…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

You Will All Have Your Turn…

Addiction

It itches and it burns
It’s cracked and it’s torn
The nails rip flesh from bone
I want more, I want more
I want one more
To live and to die
Living and leaving one vice
At a time
You’re young and it’s new
You’re old and it gets old
The damage is done
But the fun has just begun
To live and to die
Only to sit and wonder why
Do you do this to yourself
Because it itches and it burns
It’s cracked and it’s torn
The nails keep digging
But the addiction just keeps going

Now Available On Amazon

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Broken Thoughts… Throwing Around Words…

The demon is back
A casual friend from before
Talking out all the things
Buried deep within
I think this will hurt
I don’t care
Could be worse
I think this will kill
I don’t care
Everything could be so much worse
Speaking from inside, experience to say
Life is all about screwing it up
Learn from these mistakes
Mistaken as good advice
Vice made, vices earned
I deserve a fucking break
From my brain for one fucking day
I know this will hurt
Do not care
Couldn’t be any worse than before
I know this will kill
Do not care
Everything could be so much worse

Who I was then verse who I am now…

A moment in time
Reliving all the lies
Hid myself from the pain
So hard to find shelter before the rain
I’d drown if it made everything better
Sucking for air
Walls closing in, chest tightening
I knew it was there
I’ve always known that pain would hurt
Condition of living, conditioned to live
A moment in time
They all pass even with no end in sight
Hid myself from the pain
Broken heart syndrome with a broken neck
Swaying to the sound
Swaying to the end of all things that end
I’d kill myself if it would take away everything
Stupid idea, thinking then all the same
Another useless day doing useless things
Biding my time, each moment a moment
Each thought something in time
Take it as it comes
What else did you have to do today?

I’m writing the ending while trying to live through the beginning…

The smell of shit litters the air
This is the world we walk
The world we live
Walking with a crooked spine
To fit in
The devil may not exist
Because he already won
Victory can seem so empty
With no one around to notice
Truth in fiction
Satisfaction in lies
Can say whatever it is to win
Perception is only part of the equation
The view from the top is empty
A lonely place reaching for the sky
Claustrophobic at the bottom
Climbing through all the limbs
Tearing down each brick of the tower
Raining shit and blood
I ask you what’s the difference?

A lot of really interesting thoughts today… maybe I talk about them all… maybe I don’t… starting in reverse… the third one is one of the best things that I have written in the past year… for me at least… we’ve all heard that shit rolls down hill… or some version of this… I am sure every culture and every language has their own version because it is true… This idea though that shit goes to the bottom and that’s the end of that… is only one perception…

It is easy to hate the top… it is easy to sit here and being like really?… boo hoo for them… fuck them… fuck them indeed… I agree… except we are all just trying to claw our way to that point… we all want to be at the top… we all want to be them… to free ourselves from all this shit that keeps piling up… but the truth is… that the shit goes in a circle… is it easier at the top?… I’m sure it is… because I’m down here at the bottom…

Maybe it is age or just a lack of effort anymore… fighting everything to get to some theoretical top doesn’t seem appealing… it somehow seems so much worse than where I stand today… I mean if I’m going to have to fight… I’d rather fight to make everything around me better than climb above it… working out how I feel about it… as I write… so bare with me… maybe if we stopped fighting each other… stopped trying to push our way up… things could be so much better… working together rather than against each other… seems to be the answer all along…

We waste so much time and effort trying to be better than the next person… some very important ways it is important… it advances us… we advance… but the superficial shit… do we honestly believe someone in a Supreme shirt is so much better than someone who is not?… organic is a privilege?… shouldn’t it just be the norm?… do we really need a screen on every god damn thing?… or maybe hear me out… one is good enough… what we have is good enough… shouldn’t who we are define us more than the things that we own or wear?… you mean we’d have to get to know each other?… jaw hits the floor…

I know I’m not starting a revolution… I’m not saying anything I haven’t heard before… but I think for the first time in my life I am feeling it… I think about shit way too much… chewing on glass… and I’ll be the first to admit I think about my life after I’ve made it as a writer… the things I would buy and have and what I would do… sometimes the thoughts made me feel “happy” and sometimes they made me feel worthless… and lately… I’m going to be honest… I don’t think about the things anymore… I don’t care… nothing will ever be enough so fuck it… lately when I’m knee deep in shit… feel like all of this life is worthless… I think of my daughter… her smiling face… it makes me so happy at times that… I have to fight the need to cry…

I think about my wife and all the joy she brings to my life… I think of those around me… how one action can change their whole day… I think of what I already have and all the things I can do for those around me… not with money or gifts… though sometimes these things help… we still have to survive… I’m talking beyond the basics… we have to take care of ourselves and those around us… but do we need all the money?… do we need to have all the things?… shouldn’t we spend our time making this life better for everyone… instead of so much better for myself?…

We live this life backwards… we live this life selfishly… we live this life not in the pursuit of happiness… and no one can until they define true happiness… and it is not the things we own or the things that we don’t own… it is the things we already have… I know I am talking without any answers… I know what I am saying won’t change everything… but maybe… at the very least… it will be another perspective for us all to think about…

Hope all is well… Welcome to the new year… let the cycle begin…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

You Will All Have Your Turn…

501 Reasons

The infection it spreads
Like the virus in my head
Love is loss and loss is expected
Life goes on, if only for a minute longer
Don’t know when to give up
I can feel the human condition
It’s spreading
Down my limbs and into my spine
Everyone wants to know
The reason, the why
No answer is given, no answer to find
This information is deadly
This information can kill
For without this reason
No reason to live
Lost control, control has been lost
If you can’t make your millions
We will surely die off
This information is toxic
This information is unclean
Unholy, whatever it may be
No weapon is greater than
The one inside your head
Your mind left wasted as you go on
Survival instincts weighted down over time
501 reasons you must lay down and die
For your sins and not your crimes

Now Available On Amazon

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter