Not Sure Where You’d Thought We’d Go… Broken Thoughts…

Even running late
Still right on time
Sinking into the idea of it all
A long walk with nowhere to go
The places I have been
Irrelevant
The places I will go
Irrelevant
Taking it all becomes
Irrelevant
Knowing isn’t always knowing
Each thought a repetition
Of everything I have already done
Thinking about all of this
Has become so irrelevant
Living with all of this
Has become so irrelevant
To my existence

The times change but the people don’t…

Past along idea, still no one wants to hear
A liar, a vile existence, a useless idea
Correct, my beliefs have always been
Take your lies and walk your line
Do not step across into mine
What I believe is how it is
Repeated mantra of millions
Spreads over time into billions
Becomes the truth
Because new ideas hold no light
New ideas are not accepted in this life
Slowly spreading disease with no cure

“Too much thought in anything spells death and dissatisfaction…” Well fuck…

“I’m just eccentric.”
“You know eccentric is just another word for asshole?”
“Your face is an asshole.”
“You are drunk and pathetic.”
“We are all pathetic, the problem is that most of us don’t care to notice.”
“You can never be wrong can you?”
“Not sure if it is even possible, but everyone will test the limits all the same.”
“You are such…”
“An asshole. I am very aware. Thanks for stopping by to remind me.”
“I live here.”
“I think you think you live here, but really you just inhabit the space around you.”
“Your life is not a novel. You can’t just say lines to sound witty and move on.”
“Life is whatever you want it to be and for all you know this might find it’s way into one someday. Just need to figure out what the characters are trying to say.”

Broken Thoughts
Layne Ambrose

Not sure if I mentioned this… but if I did… know that I probably won’t stop for a few years… back in March I lost two months worth of work… the reason is pretty stupid… make sure your work is saving… even if it says that it is… because everyone thinks “saved”… means maybe… two copies of everything at all times… because maybe it saved… that is petty of me of course… the only reason it haunts my brain is because… well some of my best work was in there… was it though?… we will never know… so many thoughts that I got out of my head… so many ideas I moved on from because they were done… two months worth of work lost in the blink of an eye…

What I learned from all of this… besides save your work every fifth of a second across nineteen different devices… is that it doesn’t matter… there will always be new thoughts… new things to think about… and the purpose of all of this is to free the demons from my mind… so a thought that sent me into a tail spin… put me in a depression that lasted weeks… left me with the realization that… the lost words… the lost thoughts… had done what they already needed to do… so nothing in turn was last after all… almost had you there for a second didn’t I?… fuck Google Docs… save your fucking work… and then save it again… better yet… write them down with pen and paper… and staple them to your chest… fuck… fuck… fuck…

It’s fine… I’m not dwelling on it at all… I’m sure we have all gone through this at some point… I’m sure it will happen again… but in the mean time… get your shit together Google Docs… don’t tell me it has been saving for weeks and then just one random ass day be like it never saved… I’ve uploaded the fucking file every day for two months… but you have no record of me doing so… I bet you saved every word I have ever said out loud near my phone though… without my permission of course… which is why your assistant app opens up randomly without a single prompt to do so… tell you what just put it back… and we can both pretend we don’t know nothing about anything…

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All the Same

A corpse on life support
Wasted and on last resort
Feeding time is here to stay
Feed the soul, stay away
Man versus Machine
All the same
We gave away our souls
First time we were paid
Existence, existing time and place
Fearful means all the same
Explain to me what to say
My words always get in the way
How I feel
What you mean
Doesn’t mean anything in the scheme of things
When they are all the same
Lesson learned one glass at a time
Driven into the ground

Personification of a Dying Art

Tearing at the fabric of my very being
Only have something to say as I fall asleep
Convenient
If there was such a thing as sin
I think that I would live it
Only if it was clearly stated by design
Inflicted
Too many demons locked away in my skeleton
A puppet meant to say something
Strings too tight, cut me free
Convoluted
If there is such a thing as less complicated
I haven’t found it
If only it was clearly defined by existence
Incorporated
Licensed to fuck this up by design
Unqualified but what really are the qualifications
To set the world on fire
No one asked me to save them
So I heed the call and do all that I can
They wanted a martyr but all they got was me

Found some more old poetry that didn’t fit in to my recent collection… still working on everything… always trying to work on something… hope all is well…

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Everything Is Upside Down… Broken Thoughts…

Taking this out to sea
Oceans may lay between
The dead and the living
But we brush up against
Skeletons dressed in skin
Walking the plank
Everything lays below the surface
The life we want and the one we live
Ripple effect amongst the waves
Dwell on it all the same
Rotting flesh dripping off new skin
Shed who I am, who I was
Skin falling as the time goes on
Am I who I am or an evolution of the thought
Gave everything for a chance to know
Diving into the ocean floor below

Getting over these childish things… was never on the table…

Stripping back everything
Peeling the skin piece for piece
You’ll always get what you get
A look beyond the normal
A vision of what it means to live
Thoughts invisible to the eye
The blood pumps on through it all
Loneliness filling up the cracks of a broken heart
A point was made but now it is gone
It all sounded the same isolated and afraid
Room full of me and yous
Lost the train of thought
Stuck in between what I remember
What I forgot

Upset because you are wrong… or because I pointed it out?…

With broken feet and worn down shoes
Marching onto a death
Moving on with a sense of regret
Changing lanes, stuck in place
Bleed me dry and tell me what it means
Take everything from me and tell me what I deserve
Sheltered in place but paying attention all the same
With broken feet and defeated dreams
Marching on was all there was for me
Moving on from this sense of regret
That was forced into me by uncertain circumstances
Bleed me dry but know you will never get all of me
The evidence, the trail left behind us all

Broken Thoughts
Layne Ambrose

Hopefully by now everything is back to normal… but then again hopefully not… because as it turns out… as it all unfolds… normal wasn’t all that normal to begin with… I hope everything is better… learned a lesson that was hard to swallow… look back to the history… and improved… but even then… history tells me we didn’t learn a thing from any of this… only how to take a bad situation… and exploit it further… harder… faster… stronger… until it is all used up… unsure if we know of any other way…

For those of you who don’t know… I’m the optimistic one in my home… the one spewing positivity… hope… on any situation that comes our way… as we all drag the lake together… know that I am in the one in the back… convincing you everything is okay… so let that sink in for a moment… unlike most people I like to be wrong… I want to be wrong… because when I am good things come about… someone has to be… and what better person then me?… this life is a mind game… where too much thought… and not enough will be your… our down fall…

We forget the rules… because there are no rules… we write them… rewrite them… and time goes on… time… life… existence… is not bound by any sense of order… it is dripping in chaos… life… like the world… spins in circles… is kept in balance by the battle between order and chaos… each play an equal role… each has there place… we don’t need to live in chaos… and we can’t be dictated by order… complex… each one of us… each part of this… is more complex then we’d like to admit… there is no answer… because there are no answers…

Hopelessly we must find the order in chaos… and the chaos in the order… nothing was ever meant to be perfect… nothing ever will be… but balanced?… who decides that?… who determines what that means?… who in this world defines the balance?… we can play weak… we can pretend we don’t have a say… but we’ve known the answer for way too long… none of us are here purely by chance… as chaotic as life is… there is an order to why we are still here… a balance to our very existence… now is the time to decide… determine… define… what that means…

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Got Everything I Wanted… Broken Thoughts…

Waiting on you
Waiting on the world to do
What I already know it will
Waiting for the moment
Is like waiting for
Everything to fall in place
I’d give anything for
What I already know
Gave it all and in a strange
Twist of fate it was true
Digging a grave
Draining the lake
Said my peace and now
I wait for the truth to accumulate

When I get like this… Thinking only makes it worse…

If I’m going to take the time
Working on being more direct
Rather than correct
Spent too much time being erect
An error in a linchpin
Pulled at the strings and now I can’t resist
Thanking about all the beautiful things
That make me feel like shit
Another day if I must say
Dissecting everything going on inside of me

It’s one thing if I fall on the sword… It’s another if you stare me down while you push it in…

Stuck a needle in my eye
Couldn’t tell anymore if I was alive
Took what I had left in this world
Watched, let it burn
Each page a thought that wouldn’t die
Starting over and if you knew you’d know why
They say a phoenix rises from the ashes
But what started the spark?
What took the great beast down in the first place?
Time, life, stress, just time to move on
Too much concern put on the end result
And not the process of it all

Broken Thoughts
Layne Ambrose

A little more on the experimental side for me… I have been trying to do things a little different with each cycle… if we don’t evolve we die… not trying to shed all the skin of course… we may always look the same on the outside… but I’ve been searching deeper within… to understand what each shadow actually means… I’m sure by the end of all of this… there will be some pretty different… weird stuff…

Hopefully for the better of course…each thought doesn’t always chew the same… some get stuck in the back of the throat… and others go down without you even noticing… just remember… at least no one is choking on glass here… will update the title where appropriate… in the mean time… hope all is well…

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Took It For What It Was… Broken Thoughts…

Bleeding out the words
For all those to see
Those of us in need like me
Sleeping through the moments
Working the words into the bone
Said you wanted more
Given all that I could afford
Running on nothing but an idea
Of how all this was meant to be
Liked to think I knew anything at all
But at least in that sense
I know better
Told myself I’d never cross a line
Nowhere in sight
Standing at the threshold of nothing
Forget wondering I already know
Too far to be done
Give away everything because
One day you will have nothing to lose
Full circle from where I am to where I was
A pool of my words, a river of blood
Sitting in an ocean of my own thoughts
Where is it that I ever thought I was?

“I want to be found like a lost party in the desert”…

What’s one more dance with death
When life feels like it is leaving me
Tired of all the disease, the sickness, this infection
Tired of all the need, the want, this thing in me
What’s one more day with life
When death always feels like it is chasing me

Drinking the blood to replenish the soul…

A belief in something real
The idea that we are not alone
Drowning in questions with no answers
Free will was meant to be freedom
A broken system programmed into my head
The idea that any of this was meant to work
Is lost on me
Figuring out not even God
Knows what the fuck is going on

Digging at the stitches because that was the plan for today…

I’ve been baptized by a monster
Suffocating and sending me below
Hell a home I know
Hell is all there ever was
Take me with you when you go
I miss you so
So, you’ve sown me shut
Existence sending me below
Only hell that I’ve known
Bored and ready to go
Take me back home
How I’ve missed it so
Praying before the darkness
Let me go, let me be free
From the chains, the suffering, and the need
Swaying to the sound of a heart beat
Drowning to the rhythm of experience
Suffering to the collected sound
Of this dream
All that I need
Is to be
All that I need
Is right in front of me
All that I need
Been within me all along
Hell a home that I know
Hell was all there ever was
I miss you so you’ve shown me

Broken Thoughts
Layne Ambrose

Well it is basically over… the end of summer on this half of the planet at least… did you do anything fun?… I’m sure where I live it will feel like summer for at least a few more months… so I still got plenty of time to feel miserable… still have plenty of time to get that “summer feeling” out of my system… whatever that means… Until we meet again… I hope that all is well…

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Lights Dimming But The Soul Is Still Burning… Broken Thoughts…

Watched as they all took me
Took away everything
Starved for attention
So the lies spread
Jealousy and rage
Contempt for one’s self
Promised you nothing
Took all that was left
Digging a deeper hole
A ditch I find myself in
The hate I can let go
No way I’ll ever win

I’d kill myself if my body would stop resisting…

Breaking my heart for your own collection
What was I but a thing
Didn’t matter so you threw me away
Begging for something that isn’t good for me
Living to watch me die
Staying so you can watch it all unfold
An audience made of only two lives
What is this
If not love

With a brain on fire I am amazed I get anything done…

Taking the distance traveled
Thought we’d be so far from here
Digging into the earth
Like it is the end of everything
Going nowhere like it was somewhere
Given the years that have passed
Thought I’d be so far from here
Stuck in time growing old
Like it was in some way ever going to change
Going nowhere like there was anywhere to go
Spinning in circles because there was no other way
In circles because we could
Gravity taking over with nowhere to go
The science of everything has a point
Wish I knew what it was

Broken Thoughts
Layne Ambrose

Something I just now noticed… even through the writing… editing… and reworking of everything this cycle… there is a whole hell of a lot of less fucks… no idea why that is… pretty odd for me… can’t say they would have helped in any of the stuff written so far… but it is odd none the less…

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The Lights Have All Gone Out… Broken Thoughts…

Taken out of context the words become
Something else other than what they mean
Taken from the wrong point of view
One could say I’m painting a fucked up portrait of you
One could say almost anything
What I say, how you take it
Reading too far beyond the page
Stirring your own pot
Of self hatred and regret
Your own burden buried in your head

Took it for all it was worth…

The lights have all gone out
In the darkness this will survives
These broken thoughts could never
Escape the mind
The lights have all gone out
But somehow this all survives

Dragged it out as long as I could…

Suffocating under your own worth
Think this is about you then
What have you done?
A question to question what’s going on
Taken out of context is all we have left
Something else other than
The words that have been said
Taken from the wrong point of view
Is all we have left in this world
Filling you up with self doubt
Taking each shot until there’s nothing left
Take your fucking soul
As long as I know that it will hurt

Broken Thoughts
Layne Ambrose

Well that was a fun trip down depression lane… the staff at Is That A Funeral?… wants me to talk more about my thoughts… well there you go… less is always more…

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Built Upon The Backs Of The Undead… Broken Thoughts…

Flashes of thoughts
Images in my head
Understood but then forgot
Could I get this feeling
Cut out of my brain
Write it down
Never the same
The feelings just
Come back
Again and again

You said something… Words resting inside my head…

Breaking bodies just to watch them bleed
Can you, can you reach me when
I’m so far away
Can you, can you save me when
I’m too far gone
Slitting throats just to watch them bleed
Can you, can you take me when
I’m so far away
Can you, can you please me when
I’m too far gone
Bleeding, driven, insane
Living, dying, gone away
Can you, can you help me when
There’s nothing left to save?

“They say we write about what we know. All I know is pain, discomfort, and a willingness to do it all again.”

Laying cold, been dead
Feel for a pulse but I can’t taste
Laying cold, a corpse from before
Looking for any signs of life
But I can’t see any heart inside
Laying cold, pieces scattered
Feel for movement but I can’t hear
Laying cold, what’s left
Looking for any signs of life
But I can’t see any soul inside
Been dead but I can’t taste
Signs of life but I can’t see any heart within
Pieces scattered but I can’t hear
What’s left without a soul within
Lying cold at my feet
Seems you’ve died to me

Broken Thoughts
Layne Ambrose

Went through a depression this cycle… not sure if that was obvious… scrapping the floor of my mind… with my face… seems to be the only way I know how to say anything… is that a pattern or consistency?… dwelling on that for a moment… and the moment is over… a pattern of consistency… no one ever said I was deep… but dense?… you can dwell on that for me…

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Not Everything Is A Joke… But Maybe It Is… Broken Thoughts…

Just have to close your eyes and wait to die
A never ending nightmare laced with
A never ending existence contracted at birth
Digging through the past of it all
Built to last even if the mind doesn’t believe
The spirit locked someplace else in time
Just have to close your eyes and believe everything is alright
A never ending day laced with
A never ending need to die
Shuffling through all the times feeling like this
Made it through even when the mind didn’t believe
The soul is so much bigger than our immediate problems

There’s a woman who sleeps in my bed… I often wonder if she is alive or dead…

Stop searching for meaning
Sold my soul to a broken thought
Too long ago I gave away everything
These thoughts are all I left
Worthless sense of existence
You could never hate as much as I could
Distract myself but it always comes back
The feelings aren’t how I feel
Who I am
Acceptance they say is the first step
I give in, now what’s next
The silence is deadly inside my head
Broken put back together with glue
The cracks never go away
Waiting to fall once again
Always waiting for it all to fall apart
The only way I know how to live

Grinding out the days between then and now…

Chain smoking in the parking lot
You’ve probably past me
More times than you know
Keep going, there’s no saving
What’s already been gone
A mind destroyed
A soul let go
Think this is warning
Only the facts leaking out
Keep your distance
Pushed away and now everyone wants to know
Is everything okay
What do you think
On the edge
Pushing towards a ledge
Can I save you
Can I help throw you away

Broken Thoughts
Layne Ambrose

Not everything is a joke inside my head… hard to separate what is what though… I have a dark sense of humor… and I never laugh at the right time… before I take on a mountain of shit… first thought break is about my daughter… felt to creepy to say there is a girl who sleeps in my bed… and if you are a parent… that line will make more sense… or if you are crazy like me it will make more sense… it is basically this thought… fear… that your child isn’t breathing…

I can face most things in this world… but I’m not sure I could face that one… I can bullshit all day about how this is all for me… for my wife… for the world… but all of this and every day is about that little creature I call my daughter… so that is where that line comes from…

That last thought probably sounds like a call for help… but it is more of a reaction to my writing… and how people treat each other in person… there is a fine line between invasive and caring… we often don’t know if anything or everything is okay until it is too late… so there is that feeling flowing through that… slammed shut by the last line… we may miss signs that we should have or could have helped… but the big thing that we miss is actually how we treat others… the context is missing here…

I’m aware that I look like a monster… something to fear… but I can’t help the way that I was born… I didn’t choose this face and until this book career takes off… I’m stuck looking like this… but without any reason… people fear me and refuse to talk to me… even when I offer help… I get watched in stores… even though I’ve never stole anything and think the idea behind stealing anything would be worthless… but my beliefs aren’t tattooed to my skin… I’ve grown a thick skin… I understand why people react the way that they do… I’ve made peace with it since I was a child… but that last line… “Can I help throw you away.” stems from the fact that I am still human… I can still feel your dislike for me without any context… you didn’t even give me a change… we pass judgement with no thought at all… won’t change… the way we are… but it still hurts…

Those feelings are what I am talking about… they build up… you try to not let them… but I know they do… which brings me to the point that we only care until it is too late… we fail to see that our reactions… words… treatment of others… is what started this cycle… can’t say I’m not guilty of such actions… despite my past dealing with such feelings… I still go out of my way to make sure I treat everyone with respect… and yes… some people are just assholes…

A fun game I like to play is to be extra nice to those people… nothing hurts more than when you realize you are being an asshole for no reason… that look on their face is priceless… I like to do this to Cops… TSA agents… and customers… people with “Authority” because at the end of the day we are all just human… at the end of the day we are just trying to get to point A to B… no reason I have found that we can’t be decent about it…

With that… don’t forget to check out my books… drop a review… tell me I suck… that I am good… I know I’m not great… but every review helps… If you could help throw myself away… that would be awesome… haha…

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Locked Inside My Own Head… Broken Thoughts…

So you said something
Didn’t happen again
What the hell am I to believe
My idea of you or the truth
Blinded by my own insecurities
How could anyone do this to you
Break you down
Place you and everything you could be
Into categories
Cutting you down until you fit
Their every need
Controlling everything from a distance
They can’t hear the words inside your head
How you felt what they meant

“Where do you draw the line between what is fiction and what is real?”
“Same as you draw any line. Pen to the paper and you just keep going. None of this is real. So very few things are real or the truth in this world. Images and thoughts or memories built up inside your head. Past actions nothing more than reflections of events you believed to have happen. Life is fiction.”
“Interesting way of looking at it.”
“How do you look at it?”

Digging a hole with your name on it
Call it a grave, call it a home
Call it all that you will know
Didn’t need all this need
Spoken in words that no one understands
Not a language but a tribal hatred from within
Burying was never the hardest part of this
Watching you die was only the beginning
Took long enough if you asked me
You couldn’t so you didn’t
Screaming at hollowed out bodies has taken a turn
These thoughts don’t go away
They only breed, manifest into different things

“Sometimes it is hard to tell the difference between love and violence. Intentions and actions, but in the end the two things are never the same.”

Knew at some point we’d have to meet face to face
That all of this would come to a head
Baseball bat or a kiss what’s the difference
When you’re bleeding out
Needful things consuming me
Eating away at my core
Toss me away until I have something to say
Spinning in circles
Tires burning down to the ground
Rubber left marks like blood streaks on the pavement
The place of your death

Broken Thoughts
Layne Ambrose

Anyone enjoying these new title cards?

This piece was actually one whole thought… but it had too many themes to be a complete thought… the first thought break is actually from my forth coming novel… and the last thought break… is just a random thought I had at work… as most of these Broken Thoughts come from…

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