Things To Do When There’s Nothing To Do…

Start Over…

Said everything there is left to say
It is almost time to stop all this shit
Been on the fringe of a nervous breakdown
Searching for the right things to say
Nothing comes to mind, stay silent
Taught us well now it’s time to show what we’ve learned
At an impasse of great importance
Stand before you, surrounded, know what needs
To be done but will you?
The point is the time
Becoming too late as the next set runs us over
No more time left to live
How it has always been?
The world passes us by at an alarming rate
Fewer of us needed to sustain a comfortable life
Still too many of us left stomping on the ground
No idea what to do?
Strip the world into nothing to sell it right back
What else is there to do?
The poison sowed into the very fabric of who we are
Tear your eyes from the screen and look around
Why would we ever?
Guilty, don’t know a better way
Purge ourselves to save the rest from what we’ve become
Don’t know a better way to solve this problem
Wouldn’t do it myself but would you?
The words don’t seem to reach those above us
Not too sure they’d even notice we were gone
Do you even know them?
Dollars and sense maybe wasn’t the best way to go about this
Already heard it all before, time to start over
We’re we ever in control?

 

Painting Futures

This is no way to live
In the shadow of the generation before
Kept as a pet, something to adore
Listen to what needs to be said
Too late the day has come and went
Give us a reason to follow our hearts
Destroyed, locked away, extermination
Our futures are beyond fucking pointless
Give me a reason to give a fuck
The silence is beyond anything we could say
Without faith in ourselves
We are so lost
This is no way to live
Know no other way
Second guess myself at every thought
Living without guidance only rules
So fucking offended at the suggestion
I feel, don’t we all
I feel, that only you matter
I feel, I feel, I fucking feel

None of this matters
We have to find meaning out of nothing
The world doesn’t revolve
It only drags us around
This is no way to live, but what other was there?

 

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A little dark today… haha… might be a running theme through my head… a little crazy mixed in there too… working on a short story… the first in a long time… don’t want to say too much… kind of excited at the idea… mostly because I have no idea where it is going to end… when you will be able to read it… I have no idea… I just thought you should know… 

Speaking of things you may want to know…. Threadless… shirts…. Amazon… books… Etsy… art… and yes I feel dirty… : )

Broken Thoughts

Somewhere in the darkness
Just before the light
Lies something so dark
It hides in plain sight
Worlds live and breathe
A price to pay
A debt so low
What could come from this
If nothing at all
Watch the sky as it burns
Even on the darkest nights
Still can see the blood
Who does it bleed for
If not for you and me
The truth so hard to find
When the lies become so easy to digest

 

A bible left on a bench
Verses stuck in my head
Bleeding for a cause
Dying for the dead
Wait out the end of the world
Cautiously continuing what’s already been done
Too afraid to try anything new
Coughing up blood from all the fun
Destroying everything I love
If I knew why I’d tell you
Locked away in my mind
All that matters at the time

 

Taking this one step at a time
Taking it one step further than Christ
Gave up all my sins
Now there’s nothing left
Dragging myself up the cross once again
The pain comes on fast than slow
Growing old with so much left to go
Who am I if I am without sin
Who am I to beg for forgiveness
Drinking blood to understand where this began
The body begs the question of what have I done
Said you’d never leave now here I stand
All alone with nowhere to go

 

Easier to lie than to live your life
Spitting blood for the taste
Waiting out the storm of our lives
Hidden in the dark never had a reason why
Feel as though all of this has been said before
Giving into the reason why
Without context doesn’t make much sense
Nothing ever really does
Picking out the parts that I like
So broken left dead inside
Who I’ve always wanted to be

 

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Been trying to get back into Twitter lately… been very lazy or very busy… depends on where your sympathies lie… stack of canvases that need to be finished… worked on… done something with… a stack of ideas that need to be worked on as well… I keep piling it on… forcing myself to take on more… spend the time wondering why?… have I always been this way?… am I only noticing it now after all this time… always moving… always going… what does it mean to sit still?… in my broken… warped mind… it means certain death… a fallacy I want to believe… rather than one I need to believe… so there has been that as well…

Me trying to relax… and dare I say… have fun… it isn’t going well… I don’t get it… I don’t like it… but I know I need it… I need to learn to enjoy what I have before it is gone… those around me… my friends… my family… society as a whole… there is some shitty metaphor about how no one is an island… true even if I keep trying to disprove such a thought… a notion… that I could be wrong… all of this is weighing on me… my mind… the question… what do I want from life?… 

I have no idea… I spent so much time avoiding the question… running from it… putting things in front of it to hide behind… nothing stops it… like the great Jason Voorhees that fucking question just keeps coming… except maybe one thing… one possible outcome to put this damn demon to rest… an answer… a solution to the problem and question… and that is the real issue… I don’t have an answer… I don’t have a realistic idea of what I want… all I have is a fantasy… a lie.. I keep telling myself to get by… as we all know… we can only lie for so long until the lie falls apart… 

That was a lot to lay on you… and this is yet another moment that I will dwell on… where does all this come from?… now you know… even if it is only a glimpse of how I see the world… see myself in it… been human for so long… ready to be so much more… time will tell if any of this ever gets better… 

“Not all martyrs see divinity, but at least you tried”….
Maynard James Keenan, Eulogy, Tool

 

Threadless Shirts… Amazon Words in the form of books… Etsy… Thoughts in the form of art… 

Begging Me To Stay…

The skin bleeds as the knife digs deeper
My skin spreads open revealing bone
The skin peels back as I pull
My skin lies in a pile on the floor
The skin is a metaphor for something I don’t know
My skin is missing but I am whole
Who I’ve always been
A separation between skin and man

 

Every silver car and every crowed stream
I’m sick of always cooking on your dreams
Starting to get to me
All the leftovers of your evil ways
Clogged arteries and every fast food chain
How many different ways do you need to die
Go ahead discuss, I’m all ears
Beat me over the head with your fears
Here are a few of mine
That all of this won’t sink in
Okay I have more
Not enough time to give a fuck
Dancing on the way to our deaths
Join the conga line you un-American prick
Subscribe here to submit your like
They make the difference we couldn’t commit
How can we fail if we’re already dead
How could any of this ever matter
Except for in our heads

 

Forever is forever and eternity is only for a second
Eternity is eternity and life is only for a minute
Life is life and thought is only for an hour
Thought is thought but suffering is for a lifetime

 

Can you see everything you’ve become
Every little thing you have done
Like memories burning in the sun
Feel every ray and question why
Projections of thoughts against the wall
Reflecting on nothing at all
In some way became something
Each and everything
Apart of something bigger
Picture unclear, vision blurry
Think one day I’ll know
By then it will be too late
Time has a way of reflecting
The things locked inside our minds
Now is not the time or place
But at the end it all becomes clear
So we hope, so we believe
Kneeling down to you
Standing before the altar of time
All the signs pointing in every direction
All the paths wide open
What do I do?… 

 

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Got a little weird with it today… felt like a weird day to me… maybe because I actually got some sleep?… unsure been awhile since this has happen to me… anyone with kids will understand this next part… had the night off from my daughter… had the whole night to do anything I wanted… so I chose to sleep… and we can all agree I made the best choice… 

Been working on more paintings… will be posting more in the next few months on my Etsy… I’ve even been working on some stuff that isn’t just paintings… trying to unlock something in my mind that I know is hidden in there somewhere… what it is I’m looking forward to finding out… 

In the mean time… you can check out more on Amazon… books… Threadless… shirts… Etsy… art… and any comments or reviews are always helpful… thank you for taking the time… see you all Monday… by then this good mood should have worn off… : )

Broken Thoughts

We try to recreate things from memory
From feeling, never the same in our heads
Misquoting everything in sight
So we begin this story of deceit
From within, from the soul
Need you to relate even if it is only
To prove a point
Selfishness runs deep
Ignorance so much deeper
Diseased and seeking some sort of care
The depression is so much worse with them
Broken and needing something more
So blind to everyone else’s needs

 

Turns out I traded one mask for another after all

 

Your death rattle escape
Won’t shake all the demons free
Still lurking in the darkness
We’ve been waiting a long time
We’ll keep waiting with all the patience
Of a saint, a devil in disguise
Wings made of bone and tarred on feathers
We know pain above anything else
We’ve known its caress since the dawn of time

Always on the fence. I’m always on the fence.

 

I gave it all up for this?
These feelings don’t subside
These feelings grow deeper
Slip into the cracks of my broken heart
Give it another year
Give me a whole lifetime
Waste it once again
If I could do it over
So unsure I would
Life gets easier with time
Because the will to live
Goes with it
Gave up my soul for something I don’t know
Want it back but I’m so unsure

 

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Lets keep this odd train a rolling… was on my way to work today when an odd thought came across my mind… civil services is the only job where it is okay to be an asshole to the ones that pay you… the only job where it is an actual possibility that you could beat your employer too much… if I even raised a fist to someone I work with I would be fired instantly… yet a cop could hit you with a baton and as long as you seemed like you were resisting… perfectly legal… if I’m not careful how I talked to someone at work… it would cost me my job… but a judge could and can talk down to you… they can literally judge you… and they are applauded for it… basically I got in the wrong line of work… 

Could you imagine for a moment though… if these things were reversed… sure it could suck… take the suck out for a moment… but things might actually be more efficient… if people actually thought something could happen to them… sure we still speed… we still break the law… but many of us don’t for fear that a baton might come across our face… or we could get shot… but at my work at least… many of them have the attitude I get paid either way… or as one of my fellow “Hard Workers” said to me… “Why are you organizing? It is only going to get messed up again”… (insert I may kill you face)… I wonder why that might be?… 

I don’t know… only a broken thought that I stumbled across… 

Threadless… shirts… Amazon… books… Etsy… art… 

Broken Thoughts

It’s been a minute…

Gave up more than I’m willing to admit
Pushed it away like it meant nothing
Lied to myself and wonder why I’m so fucked up
Liar, cheat, piece of shit
My anxiety starts right here with me
Gave away more of me then I’d like to admit
God can judge me and the devil can have me
Already knew I belonged to a worthless existence
Wish it wasn’t so easy to feel like this
Gave up so much already
How much more am I willing to give
After it is all said and done

 

Breaking up the moments of everyday life
The bitching becomes routine and only you know why

 

16 hours ago who knows where I was
But 16 hours from now I know exactly where I’ll be
Stuck here thinking about you again
Rotting brain but somehow it all seems okay
Even if the thoughts of murder, suicide, experimentation
Are deemed mildly insane
32 hours spent drowning you in your own blood
Was well worth the lack of sleep
Prison sentence, maybe not, maybe I never left
Always been locked inside my head
Sure it bothers you in some way
Completely normal
Doubt I’d ever do it, never know until you push
Not everything we think, we say
Can be normal in every way
(Completely edited and messed around with this one… more at the bottom..)

 

Picking up the pieces that are left of my life
I’m not sure how much of it can be put back in place
Spent too long thinking there was no end in sight
Neglected everything around me
My friends, my family, everything but myself
Selfishness, who I am, who I’ve always been
Excuses I tell myself to justify my actions
Unforgiving and out of touch
The pieces slip through my hands
Trail of blood, a trail of pain, a stream of consciousness
All the little fears I tell myself to get by
Smash my head into place

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As promised the unedited version of that Broken Thought… Not all things start out how they were originally written… (Bold parts are the changed or omitted parts)…

16 hours ago who knows where I was
But 16 hours from now I will know exactly where I am
Stuck here thinking about you again
Rotting brain but somehow it all seems okay
Even if the thoughts of murder, suicide, experimentation
Are deemed mildly insane
What can I say not everything we think about
Can be normal in every way
Alright I know it’s not okay but it feels right
32 hours spent drowning you in your own blood
Was well worth the lack of sleep
Prison sentence, maybe not, only one way to tell
Doubt I’ll do it, but never know until you push
Sure it bothers you in some way
Feel the same if it wasn’t so normal to me
To feel this way
What can I say not everything we say
Can be normal in every way

As you can see I cut a lot of fat… changed or condensed some lines or thoughts… I also wrote a few totally new lines as well… In some ways it changes the context of the thought… but only by a little… Often in these Broken Thoughts that happens… Mostly because some of these broken pieces of thoughts are years old… I have changed… a little not much… but enough that my thoughts have changed on the matter… 

Threadless… shirts… Amazon… books… Etsy… art… until next time… enjoy your day… 

It Just Keeps Coming At Me…

Signals in the Sky

The blood is so faint
It disappears with the rest of the stains
The cracks of the floor
Each grain nothing more than a track
I can feel it’s warmth
Even as I stare
Watch it as it goes
Drips through the floor
Drips down to disappear
The blood is so dark
As though it is made of something else
Comes together to form a paste
Before drying into stains
A second skin made from inside
The time it takes
Is time I do not have
The time it doesn’t wait
Fine I guess, I suppose
If you’re not me

 

A Long Ways from Home

Driving, driven to think about all of this shit
A mountain, a hole filled with everything to lose
If I could leave would I
If any of this really mattered would I walk or stay
Ideally my ideals don’t mean much to me
Deep rooted sense of entitlement
Think I’m so much better than I really am
The writer and the gun, running out of ammunition
Thoughts seem to go on and on without making any sense
Trading one problem for another, life is troublesome
Taking everything for granted with no enjoyment of the moment
Too many words describe my failures in this life
One life wasted on shit that keeps coming
Words of wisdom wasted on a dying mass
Good plague, the right change in the wind could really go a long ways

 

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I don’t have a whole hell of a lot to say today… shocking I know… so I’m just going to unload a bunch of random songs on you… no reason… As always… things can be found at ThreadlessAmazon… and now Etsy… Maybe I should organize my comics today… that sounds mildly exciting… anyway… here are some songs to fill up your head space… hope you enjoy… 

 

 

 

 

 

Hidden Meaning Lost On Me…

Facts

Had to get something better
Only to see how it feels
Feels the same only worse
Nothing is ever what it seems
Nothing seems like it ever was
Lost over time
Still not sure what I have become
Adult, child words
Have no meaning until you give
Purpose to them
I say I care but I don’t think
I ever have
I lie to make myself to feel better
Now I have become the lie
And I feel like shit
If only I had a purpose
If only I had meaning
If only I could become the words
I pretend to live by

 

Inside, Still Hurting

Had a dollar
Now I have five
Lost it all
Now only left with lies
What is the cost of a soul
Slowly choking
Slowly dying
If you haven’t guessed
It is you I despise
Words can be missed judged
Actions never get taken the wrong way
Make it up as you go
These are the truths that
Only encompasses a lie
Felt I had more
If I only realized
I’d burn all this shit down
Start over
Once I eat the ashes
The new god will cease to live
In your pagan made up language
Sold my soul to assume my goal
Now how about you?

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“But at least you tried”… Is my favorite lyric from any song ever… bonus points if you guessed Eulogy by Tool… that seems to be my life right now… seems to be my life looking back… seems to be my life looking forward… doesn’t matter what happened… is happening… will happen… at least I tried… But is that good enough?… is anything ever good enough?… for you… for me… for anyone?… so fed up with trying to be good enough… because the answer is no… nothing is ever good enough… for god… for our parents… for our loved ones… for ourselves… down and out… and yet I keep swinging… keep pushing forward… keeping going on as if somehow I will overcome this feeling… this idea… that one day everything will be good enough… life’s a bitch… and then you have to live it… 

Threadless… shirts and merch… Amazon… more depressing ass words… Etsy… overpriced subconscious art…