Spitting blood, where is it that it comes from Dying to figure out love Missed the sun rise one last time How is it that I’m not dead? Spending time, where is it that I’ve gone Fighting to understand pain Lost track of the absent days How is it that I’m even alive?
People are often hurtful before they say what they mean
Dragging myself through hell once again Your unholy eyes staring me down How long can we play this game How long can we live in sin Testing the limits every day Your serrated grin made of lies and deceit No one ever said this was it But we both know this is all there will ever be
I love you but some days I just want to hold your head under water and pray for more rain.
Taking the long way home Stuck between doing it and not Ripping out my eyes Tearing out my heart Drink the blood to understand why A shit taste of everything I’ve hidden Fuck it Destroy it Who the fuck cares anymore Pulling out my hair Renting out my soul Eat what’s left of me A shit taste and a mouth full of lies Take my hand and I’ll lead you to A place called home
“I want to be buried in this jacket so it can keep me warm in hell”… It is a pretty amazing jacket… just saying…
I don’t have much to say… but I found this when reviewing my notes…
Back for another installment of embarrassment… still stuck on the age of seventeen… and moving into to eighteen… Chewing On Glass presents… Time To Waste…
The person you are Nothing means everything you want to say Nothing (x4) You are Nothing means anything I thought I needed to say Nothing (x4) I am Nothing is what we are Nothing (x4) My everything
This was yet another “song” I had in my head… Nine Inch Nails inspired…
I am, everything I am, everything you Want me to be I am Everything you needed me to be I am What you fucking’ think of me
What Do You See
You convey Every little mother fucking thing You show me What it is you fucking think of me
You fucking do this to me You fucking show me who I used to be You fucking do this to me You fucking everything I used to be
Why won’t you let me be Every little mother fucking thing Why won’t you let me go What is it that you think of me
Chorus (Everything, Everything) x2 I am everything you (Scream) Need me to be I am what you put inside of me
Okay so they aren’t complex songs… I have always liked punk for the same reason… It is… was… all about emotion… getting that thought or feeling out… this is how I feel deal with it… With that said… I’m still really into the chorus… I like the idea that the back up singer starts a chant… and then the singer answers back… obviously Nine Inch Nails and the Misfits… never really did that… If I had to guess that would be the Blink-182 influence I snuck in there… Which by this time… when I wrote this… I was too cool for such a band… Don’t be a sell out… blah…
Movie Ideas Zombie Film Horror Movie School / Drug Film (Would steal ideas from this for A Lie later in life…) Cannery Row(Great fucking book…) Messenger Future/ War Movie (This would be folded into War of 2012… Never released… I believe…) Superhero Movie (Naturally…) Documentary (Because who makes the above movies… then is like nah… I’ll make a doc…)
In high school I was very much into music… it was my life… all I talked about… all I dreamed of… but in my head it didn’t seem obtainable… a dream… at the same time I was really doing well in Video Communications… won some “awards” for different things… they were in school awards… but people were pretty hyped… figured if I didn’t make it in music… I could do movies… overtime… that drifted away… mutated… and became writing…
In truth I’m too controlling to be a director… but not controlling enough to tell other people what to do… I like that about writing… It is all on me… the only explanation that I really need to get my point across is the story itself… I don’t have to explain what is going on in my head with another person… I don’t have to argue why this shot needs to be this way… oh I have an idea about this… etc… I write it and either you like it or… I try again…
Here I sit I write for you But you’ll never know the truth Every day I’ll wait for you But you’ll never see the truth Here I sit I lie to you But you’ll never know the truth Everyday I’ll wait on you But you’ll never tell the truth
Sun
It hurts to open my eyes The worlds on fire You have let it burn My eyes are shut It takes its course
You’re not born but when You are you’ll want to die
Its been taken away Before it was given You have been left to die
Always a blast… to revisit the past… not really… but sometimes we don’t know where we are going without knowing where we have been… life is a ride… well I’ll let the late great Bill Hicks explain… because honestly… I’ll just butcher it…
Doing nothing drives the sanest insane Bring me some new pain I know I can take it At all costs, it has to be this way In the darkest holes I have found I’ll be fine, wanted you to know Dragging me through hell This place I call home Miss it more than I could know Simple minded, stupid, what you will I’ll survive, I’ll find a way to make it Who I am, Who I’ve always been Smiling and digging a grave In your name I pray You’ll never feel the way I do I will always fail at this thing Called life I will always be the things I never wanted to be
I’m Not You Because You Are Me
Had everything anyone could ever want Pissed it all away, now look at me Shitting on the street Stare, I don’t care, still breathing Understand, never alive Don’t you see? Don’t you see? Look at me You are me more than you want to believe One step away Feel that?, It’s called a heart beat It’s called a heart beat Pissing in the streets, screaming until my throat bleeds You are me Don’t you see? Don’t you see? Chasing the demons that haunt me Running from the problem at top speed Problem has always been Me Human and I know you can relate My home is the streets My home is this fucking concrete You are me Don’t you see? Don’t you see? You just haven’t run your course Of course, you’d deny the truth I’ll see you, keep the space warm, until we meet That special place called home Six feet under earth I’m not you because you are me
I know the last post was pretty sad and all that shit… but lets move on until I have better news… I’m Not You Because You Are Me… came out of no where…. and honestly… I don’t like to brag… but God damn… That shit hit hard and I could not stop… a written orgasm… I don’t know if you liked it as much as me… but… that shit sent me over the edge… and then dropped me in a six-foot ditch… what I live for?… hard to say… but it made me feel a certain way…
Because that is how it is my friends… we are all one step from all of this shit going to… well shit… as bad as you think you have it… as bad as we want to believe… it could be worse… some of us have it pretty fucking bad… don’t get me wrong… if you got time to think… well you got it better than most… gratefulness… be grateful for what you got… family… friends… a good thought that pops up… ride it out… but always strive for more… a balance that can be hard to understand… a balance that doesn’t make sense until long after… It’s about the air… it’s about the breathe… sounds stupid… but what else are you going to do?…
Don’t like where you are?… keep fucking swinging… keep trying… as much as I love you all… as much as I want each of you to do what it is that you want… the truth is that no one gives a shit… oh well… heard it all before… are you going to give up or are you going make them believe?… don’t need to hurt… don’t need to destroy… need to find a balance… a mission that isn’t easy to see… all in this together… and we are all on our knees… no one ever said this was going to be easy… climb that mountain… fall down the hill… who really cares… get back up… that’s what people really care about… we will fail… but no one is taking me out… get what I mean?…
I know you are busy… I know we all got a lot of things going on… I don’t need you to buy anything… click the links… shit on me… tell me I suck… honestly… I appreciate… you even reading one word… you are the greatest thing that could happen to me… don’t be afraid… I embrace you all the same… we are all in this together… hugs… and all will be well…
The days bleed together How it is or how it always was Questions, answers, sin, justification The days bleed together How it is or how I’ve always wanted it to be Liar, truth, asshole, cunt The days seem meaningless When you are around Bleeding, blending, living, dying The days are all there seems to be The days with only you and me Then there are the days in between Haunting nightmares, self destruction I’m not so depressed when you are around I’m not myself when we are apart The words seem to mean more than how I feel How it is or how it always was Questions, answers, sin, justification
Are you on the way to a funeral? I am the funeral
You’re A Star
Looking around I don’t see anything that I need The need is a reason for the greed A spoken language of hate and fear So much better than you A useless idea Feeling around for the art Of how to live, how to die Such a useless thought left broken in time Daring to be more than I’ve ever been Too much work to not be me Singing death lullaby’s to pass the time Wish it weren’t true but all I know are lies Gave you everything that I owned But you had to take more They say you needed my soul Told them I don’t care no more A raven of broken thoughts I can’t put down How it could feel to be like you Wearing a skin of sin Heart pumping a mixture of deceit and pain Drowning in this idea that I’m like you Suffocating under the weight
Success and failure… the mark that we live our lives by… shit on a stick it doesn’t matter… this life… this world isn’t measured in accomplishment… what we do doesn’t matter to the masses… it might only mean something to one person… one among nearly eight billion and counting… we have to be here for one and another… because what the fuck else are we going to do?…
Sounds fucking crazy… in this together?… who the fuck is there when I’m sad?… no one… wrong… I am… others are.., sometimes you have to look more than three feet around us… sometimes we aren’t in arms lengths… but we are here… What I mean is… don’t give up… embrace your gift… embrace your failures… living life is all we got… so you are a fish that can’t climb a tree… oh well… look for the ocean and set yourself free…
Believe me when I say you will fail… what that means is up to you… it was never up to me or anyone for that matter… embrace the fail… embrace the pain… grow to be better than anyone could ever believe…. will it hurt… yes… will it suck… you best believe… in the darkest hole… the darkest time… the darkest moment… we grow our fucking wings…. So keep swinging…. keep trying… and if I’m wrong… if it doesn’t work out… know that at least you tried… trying is what it is all about… trying is all that we need… prove those fucks unable to even try that you are right…. flap those wings and lets ride…
Please leave a comment if you can… or a review of any kind… I don’t care about the money… tell me I suck… I don’t care… I want to be better… seems pointless but every little bit helps… we are struggling… I just want to be better at the one thing I care about… in that.. I need your help… in this together…. Thank you… for all that you do…
The sadness sinks in A world with no reason Broken hearted, left wondering How much time is left To destroy
Drinking a death wish left to employ I’d take you all if it means happiness Selfish, I’ve always known why So much easier to take away Then live this shit day to day Still hanging on anyway Raise my glass we’re in this together now Happiness has always been nothing more than A thought
Emotions come and go away Words are easy to say Live?, another question to be asked Who was I in all this madness Miss you more than I forgot They say so many things They lie to tell the truth What’s the reason, no reason why Call it life, call it what you will Doesn’t matter, how it is to die Words spell out my life Words say so much and then we die Choking on so many things The mind keeps going An empty feeling of nothingness Wasted gift, no one has ever listened Swing and thinking None of this even matters
People fucking die And we wonder why Depression is great Then you wonder why The good die for no reason
I’m fucked up and it’s all right Human as the night sky Who I am with no reason why Forgiveness, holds hands with sin Fight hell, fight the light The truth is more than I can describe Being human was never the lie
“Life doesn’t make sense. Madness? Well… you tell me.”
Cooper Jones, No One Ever Said This Was Free
A few repeats in here… not sure what I am talking about?… well then you don’t follow me on twitter… haha… that’s my one shitty plug for your attention… lets talk about real shit now that business is out of the way…
This week… has been a trail of judgement… that doesn’t make sense… a cross roads of the soul… no… a rite of passage… maybe… the last week has been a fucking eye opener… full of ups and downs… a blank mind… and wonder why I don’t just die… don’t read too much into that last line… death pops up in this empty vessel I call a mind all the time… nature of who I am at this point… normal?… probably not… but it is for me… that’s not what I’m trying to share… no… it is something way worse…
Something is miss firing in my brain… shocked?… maybe a little… I don’t know if it the almost decade of no sleep… who I was always meant to be… or a medical reason… so I will be going to the doctor… in the next few days… I know what I need to say… but I’m afraid… I know what I want to say… but I don’t want it to be true… so it is just easier to pretend everything is fine… honesty is not what I’m good at… telling people how I really feel… is not something I am good at… drag myself through hell to see you smile… is how I’ve always been… getting off topic…
I suffer from anxiety… self diagnosed… if the smallest amount of change happens around me… a panic attack is sure to follow… been happening for as long as I can remember… I can live with that… because I have… I know what I need to do to… having nights believing I would die in my sleep… so I didn’t sleep… will do that to you… losing your shit because one too many people happen to be at the mall… so I leave… will do that to you… all of these things easy to avoid… easy to talk yourself down from… but the other day… I sat in this special training for my job… as I sat doing nothing… I can’t describe how I felt… I tried to explain it to my wife… I thought I was going to die… right there… no reason… Tried to talk myself down for hours… but the thought never left my mind… I sat there shaking… I sat there wondering if this was it… anyone with anxiety will tell you that’s all it takes… a thought… to set off a shit storm of what’s to come…
The feeling washes over you… the idea consumes everything you know… it isn’t normal… and I don’t know what to do… I know that I won’t die… heart racing a mile a minute… nothing is wrong with me… heart beating the fuck out of my chest… literally nothing is happening… and I know that if I close my eyes… that is it… the end… no more living… no more family… no more friends… and I’m not ready… I don’t think I ever will be… but right now… in this moment… I know that I’m not ready… I need help… denial isn’t working anymore… What that means for who I am… or what I think I am… I don’t know… and that scares me too…
The truth of all of this… is that I’m scared… all the time… scared I won’t see my wife again… scared I won’t see my daughter grow up… scared I won’t make it to the end of the day… hell I’m scared I’m wasting my time of every minute of every day… some fear is good… but this has become something else… so… that has been what has happening to me… things have been dark as of late… passing moments… or how it has always been… no idea… things might change… it takes time… or they might stay the same… but I want you to know that I give you everything I can… and I thank you for accepting me for who I am… for giving me everything you got too… we’re in this together… and I’m glad to just stand beside you each and every day… Life is about making it to tomorrow… nothing else… nothing less… nothing more… dark thoughts pop up… slip themselves in… but that is how I truly feel… that’s how I make it day to day…
Dancing around the issue Dodging how I truly feel Because I have no answer Nothing else to do Second guessing my very existence Why, why am I here Why, why even bother going on Lost soul, trapped mind How could I ever be the only one to think like this
First world fucking guilt is killing me If I ever had to work, kill myself over try Born into this, fucked since the first fit No one planned this out A fucking tortured soul If there is a god? Fuck off already
If Jesus ever cared Killed me off long ago Trapped with this feeling inside my head Shipped off, told I’m normal Hopefully I don’t kill off everyone Just myself… right to choose A freedom of choice
Crying for help is a weak way to go What kind of shit show are we running here Only care when it is too late Everyone has to feel like me Fuck your empathy because you’ve had none
Since the beginning Live or die Never mattered anyway The way it should be What society has taught me
In the words of Mintly… “It’s dark. Really dark.”…. that it is… that is how it feels… no one likes to have their shit smeared in their faces… well maybe some do… nothing wrong with that if that is what you are into… but even you have to know that most people aren’t into that… we pretend like we care… until it happens to us… then we really give a shit…
It doesn’t have to be about gun violence… mental health… it can be as simple as the choices we make… not everyone feels like you… positive and negative… there is a point of respecting others that we have to get along… there is a point where we have to respect other people’s choices… I have two topics I want to talk about… not sure where or which way I should go… either one is too long and too important to talk about both… torn?… a little bit… I never want to tell you how to think… or that you have to think like me to get along… what kind of mindless society would that be?… isn’t that the point of all of this… hear what others have to say and decided for yourself?…
Like I said you don’t have to agree… you can be mad at me… I’ve never been right… never been wrong… I am how I am… you are how you are… respect is more than just a word… same as religion… same as choice… believe me when I say words mattered… and believe me when I say they don’t… thoughts come and go… ideas come up that sound great on paper… then you put them in place… well they are shit… time travel comes to mind… another time I will explain that shit show of a decision… not the time or place right now…
There is some shit going down here in the states… some shit that is more than likely to come up… care or not care… won’t change a thing… the issue is more important than the crime… the reason… the fucking why… currently we already have fucked up abortion laws… a vague definition of woman’s rights… personally… if it comes down to me… I am against it… a life is a life… but in reality… in the real fucking world… it isn’t happening to me… it will never truly 100% happen to me… and that’s when I have to step back… That’s when I have to take this shit off paper and understand what is really at stake… Just because something is legal… doesn’t mean you have to get it…
I don’t preach shit to anyone… but I do say one thing constantly… I’m all for anything that doesn’t hurt someone else… I respect that abortion goes very much against that belief… but it really doesn’t… laws are meant to protect us… us that are here… Life is life… but no one should tell you how to live yours… in truth… before God… before mankind… a woman’s right to choose is her right… because if it was up to me… I’d want the choice… this topic is rooted in so many things… You can throw religion in my face… it says right here that… yeah it says a lot of things we ignore… and that is just it… God… Devil… who the fuck ever… judges us based on our choices…
To me that is religion… that is life… our choices… God or no god… I’d hope that you’d make the right one for you… but I’m not you… and no one else is… it is no ones business what you choose… that’s your right… that is the way it should be… as far as God… and what she thinks… well… that’s up to her too… right… wrong… the whole shitty situation happens… and it comes down to a choice… everyone deserves the right to make that choice… even if it isn’t the one they would choose…
Staring into the mirror Wondering why not The blade pressed up against me Not sure why lately I’m not Anti-lobotomy Driven crazy, fucked at the thought Common sense doesn’t mean shit Drowning in my own life Suffocating at the thought That all of this must keep going on
Who put me in charge of anything God doesn’t have a sense of humor Fuck off Gave me my own thing to destroy Said look I fucked up but here is your chance To do the same thing A running joke, that makes no sense Drinking to try and forget What I was even trying to do Slash the wrists long enough Something is bound to happen Parenting not that far off Smashing my head against a wall Just makes sense At this point
Purpose in life to die Sad fucking state of existence Fighting it every day Winning Where is the balance When is just keeps fucking coming Where is the savior we’ve been waiting on
Lost and it is just a thought A rotting of the fucking brain All there is All there ever was Was you and me Let me be the first to say I’m sorry
Dodging all the god damn knives Finding my place in all this shit Tortured what was your first fucking clue Do this to myself Smiling at the thought What was the point all along Breathing to breathe Living because I was told to Always loved you But what was the fucking point God or the devil does it matter? When nothing has ever mattered Me and you become one Fucked yet we keep going on
It’s all so pointless…
No after thought… only this…
Torture me, torture myself Fuck you Gave in when I knew It was all a lie Made you up inside my head As real as I want it to be Choking on a thought Chewing on glass Who needs a reason When there is a why
Drowning myself in shit Smiling all the way down : )
Apparently inktober is happening… makes sense.. being that it is October… anyway… check out the awesome work… my friend Little Fears is doing… Hope you enjoy… I know I have been… Haunting my dreams… turning them to nightmares…
