Non Carbonated… Yet Still Tastes the Same…

The chambers of the heart
Keep pumping blood
Even if there is no will to go on
Patience but for what
A long waiting game for nothing at all
I carved one out
Only to give one up
Nothing feels natural anymore
A made up act
I call love

The bullet grazes the side of my head. It hurts like hell, but it’s not death so at least I got that going for me. Digging myself out of this ditch is going to be the real bitch of all of this. Left for dead and now I have nothing left to lose. With every step sliding. Mud blood drenched, water logged, and full of pain. If the body moves then never count it out. Pushing through all the bull shit. Pushing through all the pain. I will kill each and every one of them. Slowly until their last breath translates into my own suffering. The anger drives me to do what needs to be done. 

My rage is all I own
Tells me everything there is to know
Dictates a path through the fog
My rage is everything and nothing
Wrapped in a package laced with explosives
Thought I knew the sequence
How would I ever know the truth
This is all part of something
A never ending novel with no resolve
The actions take place long ago
But the fall out is here and now

We are all so damaged in some way. A bit off but mostly no one notices until they spend some time with you one on one. Sifting from place to place as though nothing at all. Already so gone from everyone around me. I want to disappear even further. As close to death as I can get I assume. Far removed from this world of money and greed. I’m tired of thinking or feeling if I only had this. What is this when in reality this is nothing? Freedom apparently is all of this shit. I hate everyone. Surprised it took this long to say. Why bother with anything if everything bothers me? So sick of human touch. The thought of decay we spread every day. I’m so sick from the feel of it all. Tomorrow I will run away, but I know that my ass will be glued to this place. Where could I really go in a planet full of us?

It would be fine if only I had the answers
Or maybe if I knew the question
Goes together as though they fit the same puzzle
My head is cluttered with all that I remember
Blocking out any new thought I could possibly imagine
What I am, who I am
Is not what I once was
Though what I’ve become

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Had no idea where this was going when I started… still don’t… always the best… fit together like a puzzle or overall chaos?… such is life sometimes… been busy behind the scenes doing nothing I suppose… it is summer here after all… I hate summer… all about the winter… all about the cold… the decay… the eventual rebirth of the planet… that time between death and life… has me written all over it… only forever and a day until we are back to that… in the mean time… I get to sweat my ass off… locked away in my home… brooding over thoughts about nothing at all… so a normal day really… just more sweat… mixed into the blood… 

Happy to announce that I have opened an Etsy store… still no idea how it works… should be another train wreck on top of a four car pile up… needless to say I am hyped… if you have the time check it out… still working on more… also working on different things than I normally would… thanks to my friends PeterKaty… and Lemons support… so thank you to you three… and thank you to all that like and support me… means the world to me… until next week… Stay Classy WordPress… 

Threadless… shirts and shit…. Amazon… words and shit…. Etsy… art and shit… Twitter… mindless self indulgence… and shit… : ) 

Staring Like A Junkie

Did This Really Have Meaning

Amount to something
A purpose would do the world some good
Breaking bones to stay with it
Because that’s what really matters
Cramming my body full of shit
Can all it add up to real effort
Does anything ever add up to anything
Don’t think it won’t help anyone
Effect is so different from affection
End up feeling the same all together
Friendly means something other than friend
Fucking reality kicking in, sinking in
Got so few years left in this world
Gloating never got anyone anywhere
Have everything, all I’ll ever need
How could effort mean so little
I think maybe a little too much
Intelligence wasted on the weak
Jokes have so little meaning
Jesters will tell you all the sadness they know
Knowingly knowing no one gives a fuck
Kill the ones that dare
Love those who stand in your way
Like they’d have a purpose if it wasn’t for you
No one gives away anything in this world
Except for our souls without any effort

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I had a whole other poem to go with this one… but there is a lot to unpack here on this one… this one is very personal to me… so let’s go line by line and explain how worthless I am… come take my hand… this will be fun… 

If you didn’t catch right away this was written at and about work… well then you haven’t been paying attention to me now have you?… skipping the first two lines because… well they are pretty obvious with no hidden meaning… a purpose could do us all some good… no argument there… Breaking bones to stay with it, Because that’s what really matters”... these lines are about the time that I got hurt at work… I didn’t break anything, but I did have to sport a hard cast for a few weeks because I sprained my wrist so bad the doctors thought I did break my wrist… got lucky they said… if I had waited any longer I would have ruptured the tendon… funny how lack of sleep… lack of money… lack of self-worth…  will drive you to do stupid things… this one is all on me… of course someone should have been like hey… you can’t work like that… but when you hate yourself more than everyone else… well they’d let you work until you died… because that’s what really matters…

“Friendly means something other than friend”… this one is a twofer… it has to do more with being trapped between two things… Mangers who pretend to be your friend… tell you how great you are killing your self… and the other side of the business where we are selves are supposed to be fake and pretend we like the customers… don’t get me wrong… I don’t hate any customers… or think horrible thoughts about them… even the stupid ass one that ask me if they should eat expired brown meat… because if I did… I would have said yes… under cooked and as much as you can stuff in your face… but I didn’t… I saved a life the other day… maybe more than one… I’m not proud of it… but I am no monster either… In all actually though… when your job is to stay up all night and restock everything… we don’t care about the customer… sure we get it… but one less item to stock… to have hanging over our heads… “Sorry… we are out of personal lubricant”… Big smile… 

“Have everything, all I’ll ever need, How could effort mean so little, I think maybe a little too much“… First line is about how I was born with everything I will ever need… hints how I got so great at my job… the job didn’t give me that… I gave the job that… arrogant… out of touch with who I am… but the truth is the job isn’t us… we are the job… we don’t have to work as hard as we think that we do… but who doesn’t want to be the best they can be?… second line… has to do with money… and the last thought… yes… I was one of the best at that job… and yet I made less than some of the worst people I worked with… because that’s how all this works… currently at my new job in the same company I am having an internal conflict because not only do I know I do more than most people based on numbers and units… I now know how much money we make in a day as a department… the first set of information was crippling… knowing how much money we make off of my ass… well… why don’t you clean up the chicken juice off the shelf…

Won’t go into huge detail but… on most days… even the slow ones… my department makes more than I do all year… in one fucking day… yes… I know there is more to a business… there are costs blah… blah.. blah… there are ten people in my department… I’m dead middle in terms of money earned… there are 365 days in a year… it doesn’t take a genius to see that I’m getting fucked at some point here… well we have to pay… blah… blah.., blah… even if they paid each of us the amount of money we make as a department on our busiest day… Sunday… they’d still have 42 weeks of pure profit… minus all that other blah.. blah.. bull shit… what I’m saying is stop showing the fucking numbers… ” I think maybe a little too much”… pretty obvious at this point… 

“Love those who stand in your way, Like they’d have a purpose if it wasn’t for you”… On the surface this would seem to be about celebrity… and it works for that very much… these lines are actually about those above me… we have such a cult of personality for each of these assholes that lord over us… but why?… most of them can’t even do what we can do… they wouldn’t have a job if it wasn’t for us… in fact if it wasn’t for us… they’d be doing our fucking shitty horrible jobs… so why is it that they think they can treat us like shit… push us to the point that we want to… we hope we lose control going around a corner… we hope the box cutter slips and hits something important… by we I mean me…

I get they are their to flock us all together… lead us to the promise land…  but I can’t stand this whole pushing the strong bullshit… and that is why I am worthless… that is why all my effort is wasted… because I give in and let them do this to me… let them drive me to hurt myself… let them make money off my pain… and quite honestly give away my soul with very little effort… conditioned to suffer… to feel pain… we all wear chains… some we can see… and some that we can’t… “Sorry… we are out of personal lubricant”… Big smile… 

Silently Screaming

Rage of Hope (People with No Face)

Must make myself
Better
Must make myself
Beautiful
Must make myself
Needed
Scars across my face
Broken glass for teeth
Maggots crawl through my eyes
Not enough to despise (death’s embrace)

Must make myself something
More
Must make myself into something
Desirable
Must make myself feel
Whole
Embalming fluid in my veins
Sinister smile across my face
Broken nails in each vertebrae
Not enough (death’s embrace)

Must make myself
Better
Must make myself
Beautiful
Must make myself
Useful
Into a whore
Into more
Embrace deception
Become the lie
Never enough
Never whole
Always more

Death holding me down
The ground so wet
The world such a threat
Bleeding conscience
Pumping embers into my heart
Why does it have to hurt
Why does it have to matter so much
Death dances all around me
Death’s embrace closest thing to love

The ground trembles for fear of life
The world in a silent spin
Bleeding to live
No one cared enough to listen to me
No one cared why should they
Becoming something better than this
What it is they want me to be

Why does it have to hurt
Why does it have to matter so much

Death is nothing more than a change
Death’s embrace, Death’s last whisper
Silently screaming
All I am worth 
My beauty, my body, who I am on the outside
A life made up of uselessness
Finding purpose in nothing
Am I better now
Am I beautiful now
Am I whole now
That I know where I belong

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I don’t normally explain my poems… I feel it is up to the reader to decide what the words means… like a fucked up version of reading tea leaves… this one is a little different… This one I did that for myself… I found this poem in my notes… originally it was about me… selfish as I am… but as I was reading it… it reminded me of someone else… the whole thing took on a different meaning for me… you may have noticed the shift about midway through the poem… 

This poem reminded me of a woman I used to work with years and years ago… We were friends then… it was a weird time… I was too self-absorbed in my own bullshit to really process what it was that she was telling me… the short and private version of this story is that she was raped… But that wasn’t what stuck with me… it was her lack of caring about what had happened to her… I asked her if she reported it… and all she projected was this attitude that it didn’t matter… this kind of thing happens all the time… for the record it does and it shouldn’t… she was trying to be a model… was a model… she isn’t the type of person I normally hang out with… “someone who cares only about their looks”… like I said it was a weird time… 

I was young and I was stupid… I didn’t see beyond her looks… I judged her just like the rest of the world… thought she was full of emptiness… but really she was full of pain… same as me… we hung out a few times… but I couldn’t stand the fact that she would agree with everything I said… a trait I contributed to stupidity… a coping mechanism… I didn’t understand at the time… a fear that she didn’t have to convey around me… I wasn’t interested in hurting her… but when anyone can be the enemy… when anyone could hurt you… much easier to go along… to the point that you don’t even exist… we lost touch when I got a new job… part-time friends… her story still stuck with me…

 

Knocked The Wind Right Out Of Me

Stress seems to effect us at different volumes and different values. Not everyone can handle what it takes anymore. The time they change things even if the game is the same. Used to be about survival now it’s about living. About doing nothing. The goals were once simple. Now the goal is to convoluted, to simple to comprehend. It wasn’t that long ago that there wasn’t enough people. Now there are too many. Positive or negative doesn’t matter laziness still poisons the well. Today nothing ever gets done because someone else will take care of it. Someone else will do it don’t worry. Who the fuck is this someone else?

Oh, I forgot it was me. Forty hours a week to make up for all the mistakes, all the things no one wants to do. This place drags me down. Consumes me and leaves me broken. All I hear is complaints about the shit that I don’t do because I’m too busy doing everything else. Poorly managed is an understatement. I think they train them to be stupid. Ignorant to the task at hand. Most of them have never been me and I don’t me in a figurative sense. I mean they have never done what I have to do, what I have done. Pull these worthless fucks right out of college. Cool you can read. I can read too. I can read the units, the hours, the labor, and all the bull shit. I can feel what they are saying and what they are saying is that we are fucked. 

I often wonder if I was dropped on my head too many times or not enough. Decisions are made with the littlest of thought. The thought process. “I’m going to need you to wipe your feet before you enter the mud puddle. Hate for the dirt to get dirty.” I need this that and the other. All I need is for you to get the fuck out of the way. Smile and loss your fucking mind. Lead, follow, or get the fuck out of the way isn’t just catchy it is true. Instead fuck ups happen constantly and the only way is to keep letting them happen. They have the staff so stressed out and paranoid that they run around chasing a chicken with its head cut off. Stop chasing the chicken. Come back when the damn thing is dead. I get that dinner needs to be made. Trust me I fucking get it, but the plates are dirty, the preps not done, and the pot is still heating up. We’ve got time. 

God forbid you communicate that said idea is a bad one. Excommunicated from the conversion from there on. Condemned until it of course fucks up then you are to blame for its failure. I try to stay out of it. To stay away from it, but they drag you in. They need someone to blame, to take the fall but I can’t let go. I hang on their every word. Loyalty buried deep within my very existence. Stupidity running right beside it. Trust no one and no one can let you down. If only I could live by the words that I preach. If I could live by the way it was supposed to be.

What happened to do the job? What happened to hard work? Gave a way to reward the weak and bury the strong. I see that it pays to do nothing at all, but I can’t stand by and watch it fall. To watch everything I have worked for go to shit. Watching it all fail makes me feel as though I failed. Whether I get paid or not. The world should not work this way, but somehow it does. Somehow the world keeps turning and all I can think is fuck it all. 

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I’ve lost touch with reality, with the truth… The harsh reality that none of this actually matters… Forgot the meaning of life is nothing more than seeing the next day… One day I will lose as we all will, but taking on all this stress is only moving me closer to that day… Not closer to where I want to be… Finding that balance can take a life time… Don’t let it… The sooner the better… In the mean time hug a family member… your children… and take a moment for yourself…

If the world isn’t going to work the way that it should… Why should we?… If we can’t beat them… do what they do… and do it better… laughing all the way to my grave… fuck’em… 

Broken Thoughts

Inventory of Thoughts

Fading in and out
A song on skip and repeat
A rhythm I can’t get out of my head
It haunts rather than drives me
Where will I go from here
Where were we headed before this
A sick sad feeling I couldn’t resist
Pieced together with broken thoughts
Taking notes on nothing at all
Inventory of thoughts that don’t matter anymore
We sit and stand only to sit again
As though we had anywhere to be at all
Given in and letting go seems so hard
Understanding must be for the weak
Tomorrow though will be a time to reflect
On all the things we hate, we hate it all conveniently
World keeps burning along with these feelings
A dark cloud hangs over the sky
A misting of piss and shit fills the air
Beating down upon me
As if yes
This is nothing more than nothing

 

Why didn’t you just drag me threw glass
Replace my teeth with broken pieces off the floor
You knew it it would be like this
So you left me to suffer, Fuck you
I get it, but Fuck you
Why didn’t you just smash in every bone
Replace them with pins unable to move
You knew it would be like this
So you lead me on that it would be okay
Fuck you, I get it, but Fuck you all the same
Why didn’t you just throw me off a cliff
Replace my skin with jagged rocks on the way down
You knew it would be like this
Could have at least done me the favor
From the beginning of this life, Fuck you
I get it but fucking really
If I haven’t said it before
Thanks Mom

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Some deep cuts today… Yes… I am aware… that I missed Monday’s post… I have no excuse… I wish I did… just completely forgot to even get on the computer… Been working on a short story… and by that I mean I’ve written two lines in the last week… so I have been kind of avoiding the computer… working a lot… just not at what I want to be working at… it is a soul crushing feeling… but some times these things have to be done… I’m sure a lot of you have been where I am now… and know that it is only a passing moment… do what has to be done and get out… spend too long and it becomes the norm… I don’t plan on staying for to long… taking care of what need to be taken care off… and I’m out… 

But that means that I won’t be posting as much… well not as much as before… more or less when I can… or when I remember… Hope all is well…

Ambrose… 

A Child’s Sensabilty

Time for another turn of The Ungame… this weeks question…

 

What Do You Like To Do In Your Spare Time?

 

Things over the last few years have changed as far as spare time for me… Somethings I have always done or been into… the change happened when I no longer saw writing as a hobby or spare time activity… but rather something I wanted to do with my life… up until then though writing is a lot of what I did in my spare time… well it still is… though I don’t see that as spare time anymore… I see writing more as my other job… an issue that may come up in another post… so what do I do with my spare time?…

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Comics… I read a lot of comics… which is to say that I try to… the stack gets taller and taller every month… single issues… graphic novels… they’re all stacked up on my desk… some of the comics that I make sure to read every month are Kill or Be Killed… Evolution… Malefic… Port of Earth… a wide range of comics… I’m not really big into DC and Marvel as much… Batman White Knight has been really good… I’m/ was really into Gwenpool and Spider Gwen… but the one series was canceled and the other is on its last few issues… I am pretty much done with Marvel and DC at this point… the movies are a whole separate thing for me… but as far as comics go… there are just too many things I don’t like about them than I like about them anymore… I’m not sure if that is mostly about getting older or an actual criticism of comics… as a writer, there are always going to be things I think I could have done better… But to me, the last few years of comics from the big two have been mostly pointless… 

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Legos… I used to spend more time playing with Legos… but now I just dabble with them from time to time… this lack of Lego building though is because of money and my daughter… before she was born and even in the first few years, I had them all to myself… now that she has gotten older… well Lego time is mostly me building things for her to destroy… then there is the overall cost… I can mentally justify the cost of the Legos… but not when I’m not really building like I was… 

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Movies and TV shows… I used to watch an ungodly amount of films… I’ve dialed back a lot as I’ve gotten older… in college, I worked at a video store… yeah they used to have those… and my wife worked in a movie theater… I would say that was the peak of my movie watching time… there were a few years there where I saw just about every movie to come out… I used to watch so many movies that I could guess the title and year of the movie by just seeing the first thirty seconds of the film… based on film grade… opening song… and if an actor or actresses name came up?… it was a done deal… yeah I was really bad… now I mostly watch Stand Up Comedy on Netflix… Have you seen the new Tig Notaro special?… I’m also a fan of Bill Burr… Chris Rock… Louis C.K. (the jokes, not the man)… Marc Maron… Ali Wong… and D.L. Hughley… I watch a lot of stand up… 

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And the final thing that I like to do in my spare time is Art… in fact I haven’t been writing that much lately because I have been focusing more on art… Which is why I feel pretty rusty right now… and I am in a super hurry to get things done… for that, I apologize… trying to get all the post done for next week in a day and I am running on zero ideas… need to be more responsible with my spare time… or so it seems… 

 

Lemonade and Glass Take 5…

Part 1Part 2Part 3Part 4

And we are back with more exciting picks for our playlist… with the power of Lemonade and Glass combined… we present… some more songs… with some more thoughts… 

New Songs to the playlist

Glass

  1. The Package by A Perfect Circle
  2. Beat the Devils Tattoo by Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
  3. Unglued by Stone Temple Pilots
  4. Little Room by The White Stripes
  5. 3rd Planet by Modest Mouse

Lemon

1.      Honest Eyes by Black Tide

2.      State of Mind by Merril Bainbridge

3.      Radioactive by Imagine Dragons

4.      The Phoenix by Fall Out Boy

5.      Everything is Awesome by Tegan and Sara

 

Little Room by The White Stripes (Glass)

I think this track is relatable to anyone who has ever created a large project either musically, artistically, or as a writer… or maybe even as a student… fucking thesis…  I find that I have this problem all the time… I’m constantly rearranging my office… changing out the old whiteboard… staring at a wall… any excuses to blame my lack of creativity on… because it can’t be me and I could never burn out… I mean I am perfect and always full of ideas… or is that shit?…

Honest Eyes by Black Tide (Lemons)

To be entirely honest, I found this song from a video game. I’m not ashamed. Street Fighter X Tekken. I love violent button bashers. I love violent games full stop. And the intro to this game is this song with a bunch of really awesome fight sequences, complete with slow-punching and superhero movie style cinematography. I think I will actually link the trailer so you can both hear the song and see how nerdy I am… 

I love this song. It is perfect for air drums. And makes driving epic. Car screaming the shit out of the entire thing. “Hate…I’m filled with hate, and guilt, and regret…How did I get so lost…Fight…I’ll end this fight; pull myself out…Save myself at all costs…Give me my…My life back”

Beat the Devil’s Tattoo by Black Rebel Motorcycle Club (Glass)

That’s one hell of a name… another life soundtrack song for me… “Sleeping on a razor there is nowhere else to fall”… the chanting is one of my favorite parts of this song… “Everyone is king when there is no one left to pawn”… this would make an amazing tattoo… look for no more truth than this idea… “I’ll thread the needle if you give me the Devil tattoo, I’ll thread the needle if you give me the Devil tattoo”… I think everyone gets to this point… a broken state that is beyond giving in… for me it is work… for other’s, it may be something else… I think this idea that the “Devil” can only be human is basically a false narrative… the “Devil” can be anything…. drugs, sex, violence, anger, or pain… we fight so many things and only have one thing to blame… it is important to not give in to these things…

State of Mind by Merril Bainbridge (Lemons)

When I was (fuck…) 12 I loved this entire album. I would listen to it in its entire length. I still love it. I listen to it now and think “what the actual fuck did a twelve year old get out of this?” This little nerd girl reading books, riding horses and listening to Merril Bainbridge talking about sex, relationships and… how ever you want to interpret this song. “I feel it…Tearing at my soul while I’m asleep…I feel it…Driving me to something I’ll regret” Sounds a little stabby… Maybe that’s why I like it.

 

That’s it for this week… be back in two weeks with three more songs each and a youtube playlist for those of you without Spotify… or an endless cascade of albums locked away in your home… 

Ambrose

Bahahahaha I do not miss CDs or tapes… Alright, maybe tapes a little bit. Yep, sorry we will not be on next week. It is my bad, well, not bad. Just my life lemons encroaching on things again.

Lemons