Broken Thoughts… Exaggerating My Importance To Society…

A place I once knew
A thought I thought
Understood by only me
This is for everything you’ve done
Everything you’ve become
A nightmare I once knew
A thought I thought
Understood by no one
This is for everything you’ve written
Everything you’ve become
A heart I once knew
A thought that over takes me
Understood you’d understand
This is everything you’ve meant to me
Everything I thought you were
Take the breath right out of me
Took the words out of my soul
Taken everything I used to be

Does any of it matter?

A break between the waves
Air, water, food the rest is pointless
Conditioned to believe I’m doing the right thing
Sacrifice, suffer, endure only a symptom
A schism from underground
Realizing now the end was never the point
The present was always the tomb

If none of it ever did?

The devil’s making her way inside
Her cape draped, drips with crimson
The genius that it is
A flashing image of imagination
A reality stuck in my head
Why is it we question anything that is said?
Why is it we want to be lead so blindly?
God told me once, said some shit about shutting the fuck up
The secrets we’re never meant to be spoken
Only thought about in the darkness of the mind
The dark ages such a lovely time
Truth spread like a plague, killing all of those who said
The age of information, the day of reckoning around the corner
A sin with nothing to say
Are you, is anyone ever prepared for the truth?
Are you, is anyone willing to?
Dancing blindly in the dark
The world was never yours
What give you the belief heaven is any different?
Her trail of crimson grows with every step

Dying inside is a solitary burden.

No one tries to take anything from you
They just did
Selfish and selfless
Explain the meaning and tell me the difference
To get something from nothing
And make it last
Has to be the hardest of all
A diamond in a sea of shit
Shinning but muted
Explain the meaning and tell me the difference

Really need to change this image… need to do a lot of things… won’t go into a long rant right now… not really up to it… just trying to get through the day… feeling lazy… well I’m feeling like I want to take on a million things… and nothing at all at the same time… does that makes sense?.. yeah… I don’t get it either…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

All The Things You Expect Of Me… And Then Some…

I Can Almost Reach

My shame burned into my face
Feeling the words more than I want
Stabbing you deep inside me
A feeling that means so much
Only for a moment in time
Forever locked away
This is the land of opportunity
Each level requires registration
Skin and blood have much in common
In that they are never enough
The color isn’t black and white
Off color green, dead beliefs burned into
Everything we say
Nothing matters when you are free
Up on a cross to get away
Crucifixion means more than
We’d like to believe
A faith in nothing leaves only a lost feeling
Take what you can get
Shape it into something
Turn it into freedom, chains dangling at your feet
Unbroken chains we pay to escape
Nothing ever goes away
Doesn’t matter what you believe
Everything will always be
Just out of reach

Running Out of Ink

Trapped in a parasitic existence
Looking into the eyes of those you hurt
Future unavoidable, forever left failing
Doing it right is doing it wrong
Giving it everything is all that we know
Trapped, left incomplete, purpose
Reasons never explained
Always pushed in our faces
We say
We understand
Have we, could we, hold me
The truth is there is no reason
Hard to swallow a shallow existence
Doing it wrong is doing it right
Fall in place marching to your death
Same as me, same as the rest
A million progressions going every way
Tracing a path to the same place
Ink foaming at the mouth
Spitting blood, are you sick?
Living with it
Future wrote before it has been read
How does it feel to be so human?
What does it matter if it never mattered?
Questioning everything to do with
Your existence

If you look really close at the image… you may notice the concrete in the background…

I’m really proud of the first one… I almost saved it for submissions… but fuck it… I’m sure it would just be rejected like everything else… I don’t like to brag or think that I am this great writer… but… there are some great lines in this one… The first part is weird… a lot of weird phrasing about how I hate my job and station in life at the moment… Then a bunch of lines about how the world is trying to fuck me… no matter how hard I fight it… or you fight it… or anyone… because no matter where you are in life… the next step is just as hard… if not harder than the last one… so enjoy it now because it is only going to suck more tomorrow…

So what the fuck does that mean?… give up?… fight harder?… it means whatever the fuck you want it to mean… we are all at different levels… some of us want to go to the top…. some don’t… but don’t let the dream fool you into believing everything will be better if… yeah if… if I had this… if I had that… if I was there… if I had done this… If is whatever you want it to be… we are all chasing it… but none of us ever catch it… ask around… if we get the time we can all cry about it later… such is life…

Poem 2… was originally called Existence… it was kind of lame… it was similar in tone as the last one… except with having to do with the outside world… it had more to dealing with the one in my head… Kind of a full day for me… I get all worked up about the outside self… calm myself down… and start thinking about how fucked up I am on the inside… how I’m not good enough… how I’ll never get any where in life… doing everything right is doing it wrong… because no matter what I do… still in the same place…

From here it is a basic downward spiral… that’s my day in condensed form… really though I’d say it is more like a heart rate monitor… up and down at a rapid speed until the end of the day where it is more like this………….^…………………

I’m sure an image would have been much easier to understand… but I like making you work for it… haha… there’s no good transition to end this… so that was that… I guess… Ambrose out… no… that was pretty lame… hope all is well…

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Broken Thoughts… Saving Myself for Sunday…

Get over it as they say
Killing off, cutting off the dead limbs
The misery, the pain
Burning down the village of the damned
Taking everything I deserve
Worked harder than I care to admit
For nothing at all
Big ass smile, fucking let down
Watching the flames burn higher and higher
The stench more than anyone can handle
Move the fuck away from me
Haven’t you ever seen someone
Trying to kill themselves for your pleasure?

Face down… ass up… looking for the sun…

I know because I’ve heard before
Thought I could hide my intentions
For eons I’ve done nothing right
A promise I couldn’t keep
Lies stitch together my very soul
God was right they’re all destined to fail
How could I, a fallen angel, have not known
Jealousy courses through their veins
Hate and anger a diet they must consume
No one ever pauses to question
Who creates something so awful and calls them their children?
A beaten corpse with no name
Resurrection after resurrection same every time
Broken prophecy filled with truth
False hope fills my soul
An answer I’ll never come to understand

At the end of days everything will be much of the same… only different…

Through the darkness
I can see the future
Much darker than now
Who am I to complain
Existence is existence
None the less
Bitching my way to death
A threat left empty handed
What the hell else was I to do
To live is to die
Same as it ever was
A broken promise left on paper
Digital age took over
So I guess I really am all alone

It is starting to get warmer here in hell… and fuck I hate it… going to have to go back to writing in the nude… it doesn’t help the ideas flow but it doesn’t stop them either… I hate the heat… can only strip down so far… haven’t found away to strip away my flesh… well I mean I have but I’m going to need some help… In the mean time all I am left with is to suffer… same as it ever was I guess… No idea where I was going with this… the sweat is getting in my eyes and I can’t think… that feeling when that one bead of sweat runs from your armpit and down your side… shiver… bring on the ice age already… it is too hot to make any sense…

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Broken Thoughts… Crashing Ships In The Night…

A bloody feeling touching finger tips
Hints of a reason
Scene of the crime
A broken heart with no life
Stabbing pains in my side
What has it been
Days, weeks, months
I don’t care
The thought only grows
A sick feeling inside my head
If only I could I know that I would
Desperation and a fucked up feeling
Tell me one more time
So I can remember
Slipping through the cracks
Concrete floor never felt so soft
Until they left me bleeding on the floor
Death rattle shaking
A cold wave washes over everything

Scratching at the surface only to dig deeper

Bleeding under the stars
Isn’t any different than not
Feelings become lost
In so much shit
Said I cared when I didn’t
Said I didn’t when I did
I’m a confused asshole
What do you want me to say
When no one believes me any way
Rats will rule this world
Becomes okay, is ok
Past tense so subversive
Predictable predictions on how this would be
I missed the boat, yeah that’s me
Digging a grave at sea

One for the money… Two for the turn around and go home…

Worn down after the years of abuse
The teeth tell a story
Buried in the concrete
Age not in the thought
But in the heart
Taking what is left
Buried upon the surface
Paint the blood on your skin
Drying along the scars
A map of your abuse
Screaming obscenities
Words that remind me of you
What it means
I don’t know
What it does
I don’t know
How it feels
How it ever was
Drowning in the thoughts
Pouring out of the skin
Pressure releasing all the lies
Tell me one more time
How you’d like to watch me die

Someone is always better

Slipping down a path made of sin
The piss feels like rain from here
Choking to keep throwing up
It isn’t hell if it is home
It isn’t hell if it is all you know
Jamming it down my throat to see how it feels
Stuck, shifting gears into another thought
The mud isn’t dirt but shit
Drowning in a sea of all of this
Asked for forgiveness but only wanted a reason
Thought I was full of nothing
Come to find out I just have too much to say
The lines blend together when you line them up
Broken threads in a stream of consciousness
It isn’t hell if it feels like home
It isn’t hell if it is all that I want to know
Fucking useless conclusion
A feeling I lost looking into the abyss
Staring into nothing along
A deep dark hole made of deceit
Love the feeling even if it only brings need

“All you ever do is write.” “Correction… all I want to do is write… there is a difference…” That didn’t go over so well… so I’m off to spend time with my family… Black Yoshi going to paint ever track with your blood… game on ladies… : )

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Broken Thoughts… Do Not Crush or Chew… Swallow Whole…

The razor blade digs into my side
A contraption meant for something else
Reusing useless item to make a point


The absence of your insignificance

Spitting the venom foaming at the mouth
I loved you so much that I wish I was dead
Standing at the crossroads of crucifixion
A place that meant so much before
Words carry no weight
Cliched, depraved edition of everything said
Spinning in circles looking for something that isn’t there
A long ass sentence with no point
Left alone so long ago
Abandoned to the point no one knows
Lost in time and space
All the ideas we decided to create

Selfishness and everything I strive to be

Hung over, fractured skull
Left regretting mistakes
Still processing all the shame
Brain on fire and only one to blame
Stand still, watching the world spin
Slowly becoming, sober

Flesh from the bone… heart torn from the soul…

The flames of despair are flaring up again
Taking away any confidence I may have had
Searching the world for my ego
Stealing from all those around me
Demented dimensions of disproportionate thoughts
Shattered shadow slowly dying in the dark
Lost everything when I lost you
Took away anything I thought I had
A talent for noticing how fucked up I am
My will sways in the wind
Broken branches littering the ground
Up routed and so far from where I began
Where do I go
Standing before a fork in a destroyed road
No path free from your corruption
No path that hasn’t already been worn down
Sell my soul for a little peace
A thoughtless thought that haunts me

Burning through my notes at an unusual pace… honestly trying to clear most of this mess off my desk… move on to something new… I’d love to start working on my novel… well I have but I have been at an impasse… Been too lazy… collecting excuses… collecting pages of distractions… Been so long I’m starting to forget what it was even about… not a good sign… figure it all out in time… everything in time I suppose…

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Broken Thoughts… Even When I Ain’t Saying…

You keep coming at me
Sticking your face where it doesn’t belong
Maybe it is your ideology that puts you in your place
Maybe it is all the things that you couldn’t say
Beat you down to make it go away
A constant fight with too much at stake
Killing the reasons that drive me insane
Choking all these feelings, put them in their place
Maybe it is all the things I have to take
Maybe it is all the times I have felt raped
The words sink in and I don’t know what to say
Too many days feeling this way

I don’t play God I just Sheppard in his beliefs

Your little tragedies are building up
A cut here, a scar there
The blood rebuilds but never heals
A truth we don’t want to believe
Invincible in the sense that we are not
Riding this thoughtless thought out

Taking each moment in

Falling victim to the flames
Standing up to the walls of Christ
Stuck somewhere in between
A theory, a thought on it all
Trying harder to not try at all
Trapped in a wake I can not escape
God had a plan she just forgot to tell me
Rising above the tide, a glimpse, a vision
Comes to mind but why should it ever
Make any sense
Intention are never the same as actions
Reading minds never got me anywhere

The voices take me under

The darkness hides a secret
A truth we could never take
The nightmare of it all
Inflicted with so many issues
Praying is one way to bring in the demons
Drinking has always been
An escape I could never afford
Breaking down all the reasons
You are still in my mind
Miss the days it was only
You and I
My regrets aren’t the ones hidden on the surface
Resting in the shadows
Sleeping on the cold floor of my heart
Miss everything I could never have
Choices made
Decisions out of my control
Spreading messages I don’t even understand
Saying shit I don’t know how to say
Broken, I wish they’d just go away

Chipping away at all these notes… feels good to get some of this off my mind… my heart… my soul… if words were an avalanche of shit… I’m buried under them… haha… could you imagine?… may have thrown up in my mouth a little bit… if you have ever changed a diaper… the smell alone… shiver… haha…

There is no good transition from that last paragraph… though technically is it a paragraph if all the sentences are broken up?… never covered that one in school… odd they never covered any of my style in school… well that’s not fair… they probably did… but more in the what not to do… so you know I wasn’t listening… obviously… : )

In a good mood today… feeling life… writing all this depressing shit was a drag… kind of felt like who is this asshole?… then I remembered it was me… still in a good mood… good moods are bad for me… I’m not feeling this at all… this is very much gun to my head writing… but you deserve more… and I want to give it to you… maybe you don’t feel that way… maybe you think I am crazy… hey no one reading this really knows… listening to Where Is My Mind by The Pixies… (Not even going to link that… because you should know that song…) Getting lost in that under water sound…

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When There Is No More Room… Part 9…

Only a Matter of Time

“Hello Liam,” I say as I enter the room. “Doctor,” he smiles in his own sinister way. “How’s everything today?” I ask him. “Oh you know can’t really complain. Got to sleep in late, watched as the birds played in the trees while I enjoyed my very nutritious breakfast, and afterword I went for a nice walk around town,” he deadpans. “Cute, I’m sure it is easy to get around town in that straight jacket,” I say to him. “It is a tad bit constraining, but you know the ladies love a man who knows how to dress for the occasion,” he laughs. “And I’m sure the ladies love you. It is only too bad that you are a danger to yourself and everyone else,” I say as I open the file in front of me. “A danger to myself?” he gasps. “Tell me is that your medical opinion or your personal opinion? Because I will have you know that there isn’t one person out there who would back up your claim,” he shifts in his chair. “That’s because beside me there is no one left who really knows you Liam. You made sure of that didn’t you?” I ask. He tries to lean his chair back but it is bolted to the floor. “There’s no use scratching at the scars of the past now is there Doctor?”

“Unfortunately that’s all you have any more. Tell me do you ever stop to think that may be the reason you are in here instead of out there?” I ask him. “Are you really asking me if I have time to think right now? Or are you simply trying to get through your checklist of nonsensical questions? Because I’m having a hard time telling the difference,” he fires back. I’m losing him. The nice guy, everything is a joke personality is starting to fade. I can see it in his eyes. The dark hollow orbs staring back at me. I write down my observation on the paper in front of me. “See something you like? Find something new? Care to discuss what new profound idea popped into your head?” I ignore his questions. Bait to fall into a trap. Liam likes words. Uses them to distract you, confuse you into doing exactly what he wants. A trait he must have possessed his whole life. “Stop looking at me like some sort of side show freak,” he growls. “Are you angry Liam?” I finally ask him. He tries to fake a smile but the real Liam has taken over, “No of course not.” His eyes never blink. Only if you are looking for it do you even notice that the skin around his eyes begin to tighten with every passing moment. No one the wiser would think he looks calm, cool, and collected, but I can see through his mask. He has the look of a mostly forgotten memory. “God, there is just so much of him left inside of you,” I say. The lines of his face form a most sinister smirk, “Do you mean our father?”

“Are you sure that I didn’t burn most of him out? Medically speaking.” Liam turns his head to show off his scars and what’s left of his left ear. “I’m very certain that no matter how much you hurt yourself you will always be like him,” I tell him. “Why don’t you take this straight jacket off and we can test that theory Doctor,” he says. His voice calm and his eyes like fire. “I’d prefer we didn’t. Medically speaking of course,” I smile. “I’m sure you do. Remember how you used to hide behind the living room curtains whenever he would come home? You were weak then and you are just as weak now. I never feared our father. Even as a child I could see what he was. Maybe I didn’t understand it completely but I knew what I wanted to be,” he muses. “Are you admitting that you were fully aware of your crimes?” I ask with my pen in my hand. He ignores my question. “You probably get off on the idea that your little brother is some kind of monster? But here is the thing brother. You can hide behind your little curtain. You can roam these halls pretending you are some educated healer, but we both know. I know that you aren’t. No, hidden away somewhere in that thick skull of yours he hides. It hides. You think you are better than me, but you are nothing more than the same,” he rants.

“I think that is enough for today,” I say uncomfortably. “Of course you do. You have no back bone. Never have. You can’t accept who you really are. What we are,” he taunts. Do not give in I think to myself. Don’t listen to his false words. “I can stand up for myself just fine. I know who I am and what I am,” I tell him. “Yeah and what is that Brother?” he asks me. “Sane, normal, a free man in this world. A man not strapped down by chains for sins committed.” I enlighten. He looks almost bored from my words. “I pity you brother I really do. You can hide behind your curtain, your title. The idea that you are sane. Free from the evils of this family, but in reality it is you that is in chains not me,” he taunts. “You can taunt me all you want Liam, but I am the one in control,” I say firmly. His eyes look as though they might jump from his skull, “You will never know the true meaning of control. You will never feel its true power for as long as you hide behind the curtain. Those victims as you call them were nothing more than stepping stones, martyrs to show me a better life. They showed me the truth of this world. Beyond our father. Beyond reason. So you can judge me all you want from behind your curtain or you can join me on the other side of it.” I signal for the orderlies to come in and take him away, “This meeting has been insightful as always. Can’t wait to see you in a few weeks to do it all over again Liam.” The orderlies place his muzzle around his face and left him up from the chair. “It is only a matter of time Brother. I can see it in your eyes,” he shouts as he exits the room. “Only a matter of time.”

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