Broken Thoughts… Slowly Killing Myself… Very Slowly…

There is an emptiness inside my
Head, heart, life, soul
Craved out by your hand
There is a dark cloud that hangs over my
Head, heart, life, soul
Nothing you say
Will ever mean anything to me
Living through this life
Poisoning the fucking well
Turned you against the thought
Driven under, but I can’t forget
What it is that you have done to my
Head, heart, life, soul

Destined to lead a broken nation… Just like me…

Biding my time until all is dead
Inconstant to the soul I claim to have
Fitting in, in the shadows
The darkness that separates
Me from you
The asshole who deserves a thrown
So much better than you
Fucking stab out the insecurities
All I’m left with
Is dead
A broken thought for the fucking insane
Biding my time until all is dead
Dancing, screaming in the dark
Best friends until the end
God how much do I hate you
Face to face is too much
Can’t use my words when I’m
Not hiding or did you forget
I’ve always been
The asshole in the shadows

Even the lies become clear…

Who knew depression could hurt this much?
Who knew suicide felt a lot like living?
Who knew this could have all been from you?
Hind sight telling me something
Sooner would have been so much better
Working through the pain

Hope you have been enjoying When There Is No More Room… I’m having a blast working on it… trust me I am working on it… In fact this Wednesday… there will be another part… Shitting in the dark…

I know this post is all sad… a darkness I live with every day… but today… feeling pretty good… Yes… I am listening to Bother by Stone Sour… but I am doing great… Textbook I’m lying… but I’m not… at least I don’t think or feel that I am… Switching tracks to Sulfur by Slipknot… I really don’t want to come off as sad or broken… yeah the rails are a little shaky… : )

I’m totally not siting in the dark… pretending I am all right… bored with this topic… in other news… well I haven’t been up to much… I need to do another round of submissions… but really what’s the point?… I got the voices in my head after all… what more do I need?… I don’t really hear voices… at least not yet… no judgement but… Would I feel less lonely at that point?…

The key is to not get up… give up… what’s the difference at this point… keep writing… through the pain… through life… through everything… eventually… something will stick… trust me… a waste of time?… death is the only thing we waste our time thinking about… living my words… see you all this Wednesday… music I love be damned… : )

Merch.. Threadless… Books… Amazon…. Broken Thoughts… Twitter

When There Is No More Room… Part 1

The halls are filling with patients I can hear their feet stomping. One by one they shuffle their way down the halls. The ones that can that is. None of them mine of course. No of course not they belong to my subordinates. All those long nights. All the studying. All the work to be at the top of my class. What a waste of time. No, I get the special ones. The ones chained down, the ones that most of us can only see through glass and steel. But why am I telling you this? Talking to myself. I might as well be locked away with them. I need. I need to get this all out. Before I end up on the other side of the glass. We all have our reasons for being here. Locked in this place.

I am here to make sure they get “better.” Help them, cure them, but there is no cure for crazy or deranged or homicidal.  So all of my education, all of my time is nothing but a waste. I get to pretend to be the very thing I call myself. The title I have earned, Doctor. Head Doctor of Psychiatry at a state run asylum to be exact. I get to pretend that I can make them all better. Trapped in purgatory with the monster who will never see the light of day again. God damn it. I just want to leave this place. Trapped in my head. Trapped in place. Day in and day out. When I close my eyes. All I see are their faces smiling back at me. They should be put down. Put down like the animals that they are. One way trip to the pits of hell. But that’s not humane is it? That’s not right. Not in this day and age of medicine. We can help them.

What a joke. A broken idea stabbed into our brains. Not all of us were born equal. Not all of us deserve to live. All those long hours, all these long days, this endless life time, and that is all that I can come up with. Kill them all. Let the devil have his play things back. Not good enough. Not the solution we are looking for. “Do we need to replace you with someone better?” Better than me? Someone better than me can administer the same test with the same results. Would it make the difference to help these monsters? Question my very existence in this world. Driven crazy by the very people who I have entrusted me to heal. Nothing. Surrounded by the madness and the endless cycle of nothing. The nothing is pointless and unavoidable. The fact that nothing I will ever do will mean anything. That’s the part I can no longer take. Life here is an unknown mystery with the same outcome.

Welcome to the Alabaster Behavioral Asylum for the Criminally Insane. Yes, when there is no more room. Welcome to hell.

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

So this was that project I was talking about… either last week or the week before… I don’t know… the days bled together after awhile… Hopefully I can keep up with it… this week I will be posting three parts to it… after that I will be posting a new part every Wednesday… and filling in the days with Broken Thoughts… poems… the usual stuff… trying to change things up… taking a chance on this story… maybe I will talk about it more later… okay I will be talking about it more later…

Breaking My Back Against The Stones… Broken Thoughts…

Washing the blood from my hands
Another failed attempt
To make things okay
Between me and you
I don’t think this is working
Miss you more with each day
Washing the blood from my heart
Took a lot longer that I thought
Preserved it, to make things okay
Between me and you
I don’t think this is working
Want you more with each day
Washing the blood from my hands
Another failed attempt
To make things okay
Between me and you

“Poster child for the inappropriate.”

Not a unique situation
Uniquely the situation
Thought about killing myself
To the point, that I don’t know
If it is already done
What’s the point
If this will all end?
Not a unique situation
Uniquely the situation
Dissatisfaction to everything
I’m around, to the point
That I don’t know
If it is me that is dissatisfying
What’s the point of caring
If this will all end?
Not a unique situation
Uniquely my own predicament

You’d be amazed at the amount of people that talk out loud to themselves. No cellphone, no head phones, and no one with them. “Do I like mesquite or maple?” I don’t know. Do you?

Told me you wouldn’t
But I know you would
Your lies aren’t so hidden
When nothing else about you is real
Confused even more after all this time
A life devoted to you
Could you say the same
Yore lies aren’t so hidden
When nothing you’ve never said was the truth
Drive it in, deeper please
Until I can no longer feel the pain
Your love ain’t worth shit
When your lies aren’t so hidden
Told me you wouldn’t
But I’ve always known you would

Trying out some new… headlines… I guess… to break up the Broken Thoughts… I was working on a book of Broken Thoughts… before everything went to shit… ran into a pretty hard wall twenty pages in… it just all seemed like one long ass poem… twenty pages to be exact… from screen to the page… things definitely change…

Hopefully the change makes the difference… because I really want to get that project off the ground… tell me what you think… If you have left a comment… I promise I will get back to you… I’ve become buried… but I’m not ignoring you…

I guess I should address the elephant in the room… things have become a lot better since I have written those pieces… nothing will ever be the best they can be… learning to live with who I’ve become… why is everything so cryptic?… my life at the moment…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Little Fears Is Chewing On Glass…

Or is Chewing On Glass looking at Little Fears?… Either way… we have done it again… Honestly I think this one is pretty good… could be our best collaboration so far… So send some love over to Little Fears aka Peter… and enjoy… (I wrote this before it was out so if you are reading this after 3/3/19… You are just enjoying… Little Fears…)

Okay… now that you have checked it out… you did check it out?… I can talk a little bit about the original project… The piece that you just read… is from a project I have been trying to get off the ground for a while… okay… it was an idea I had that I wrote a two page treatment for and meant to come back to… shit that was probably… seven years ago…

Time fucking flies by… almost two years ago… I offered it to Peter… we are a both a little consumed with our projects… to be honest though… I pitched the comic, Is That A Funeral, to him in our second email… maybe our first correspondence… haha… I was a bit excited to work with him… I’ve been meaning to pitch it to him again… but I left it in the idea bin and kind of forgot about it… then Peter sent me an email about doing another project… hyped… I knew this was the time to actually do it…

In reality though the part of Is That A Funeral that you read is more of a second or third… idea for the project… turns out that the two page treatment was just that… a treatment… so I rewrote the best version I could based on how I wanted it to be seven years ago… hopefully you enjoyed it… I enjoyed working on it with Peter… but he is always a pleasure to work with… so that part wasn’t difficult… and yes… my publishing company is also called Is That A Funeral?… I named the comic after it… seemed fitting…

New logo for Broken Thoughts?… Let me know…

Cut Me Up… I Am The End Of All Things To Come…

Losing My Mind

In the darkness I hide
Waiting for you to free me
Hidden deep within
I’ve always been me
The surface a mask
An asshole within
Tearing apart every part
That makes me, me
Strangling the only thing
That is good in me
Watching the world burn
Is all I ever wanted
Greatest fear strangling me
Lost in my own worlds
Confusion sets in
Dragging my scythe
Through the darkness that is my mind
I have always wondered
But I knew all along
I am death and this is what I deserve
A secret held deep within
Passion to see the other side
Purity that will never make sense
Dragging myself through this life
Lost my fucking mind
At this point can’t tell the difference
Stream of fucking consciences
What is real when all is a lie
Chew the fucking glass
That we were all meant to digest

Never Enough I Need More

This isn’t my first
Won’t be the last
Welcoming death as it comes
Welcoming everything
This isn’t
What I set out to be
A place I was pushed to
Time has a way of taking everything
Dying each day
Pushing to make it something else
A disease buried deep within
The alcohol brings out the best in me
I’m not a hero, a saint
A fucking leach
Suck you dry
Take everything I need
Lie to myself
To make everything you’ve done
Make sense
That’s the part I hide
A victim to my own pain
Killing myself was never the plan
All I have left
How could I be so weak
How could I accept such abuse
The worlds a lie
When all I ever believed
Lied to me
Living on borrowed time
I don’t know where to go from here
When everything I believed is a lie
Sitting in my own shit
I wish I was dead
Too strong to do it
Too weak to see any other excuse
Suffering as each day comes
A secret buried in my skin
Can you see when I lie
On the surface all along
Tell me what to do
Because I don’t know what to do anymore

Slipping into a darkness I don’t understand… where does this world go… when it was never meant to be?… where does any of this end when it keeps on going?… debt… love… life… it all keeps going… the truth unknown to anyone… all answers a lie… choking… open my eyes… your hands around my neck… this is all for nothing… this life doesn’t mean anything… and yet… I crave… I want to go on living this dream… that is all it is a dream… in a awakened mind… none of it matters… but all of it seems too…

It all seems to matter in the scheme of all things… I think of space and it’s endlessness… I think of all of the people who have abandoned me… I think of so many things… and here I stand… what the fuck does any of this mean?… what is a world full of darkness?… but endless… tortured and I am the master of all things… what the fuck is wrong with me?… fucking human is all I will ever be… raising a glass to the nothing at all…

Shirts… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Taking It For A Test Ride… Part 2

Welcome to Taking It For a Test Ride Part 2… (Temporary title… I’ll come up with something more ridicules later…)… Part 1 can be found here… (Link)… or you could just look at yesterday’s post… not judging your laziness… Pretty sure I’m going to forget to even add the link… Hell I was on the fence on whether or not I would even do this post… So lets jump into it before I wander off into the woods and find something shiny or something dead to play with… 

 

Movie Review 2

Hotel Artemis

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Spoilers Ahead

 

Where to begin with this shit show… Yet another film I have watched recently where the actors are amazing… the world built is fascinating… and yet none of it really matters… Personally I’m pretty sure someone watched John Wick and said, “Hey, I can do that.”… Well as it turns out they couldn’t… John Wick wasn’t and isn’t perfect… what that film is though is original for the most part… Don’t get me wrong… this film doesn’t just rip the face off of John Wick and then spread it out evenly between a collection of characters…

Okay… maybe it does a little bit… A lot of this film is spent showing how this world’s Los Angeles is and what it has become… a gangster ridden shit box without any water… basically people are pissed… and if anyone knows the history of LA… when they get pissed shit goes down… None of which is really that important to our characters because… well they are bad ass killers, thieves, assholes, and all around menaces to society… so people having or not having water… people rioting in the streets for their right to clean water… don’t mean shit to these miscreants… What it does mean though… for you as the viewer… is that all of this will be taking place in… you guessed it… Hotel Artemis

Honestly not a bad setup to why we can’t go outside… Problem being… I feel like the real issues… what we should really be concerned with is outside of the hotel for assholes… But that could probably be because the world… our world is really heading that way… then again fuck’em… water isn’t a basic human right… it’s not like we need it to survive… so lets spend the next 94 minutes figuring out what the fuck these assholes are up too…

They aren’t up to much… because the Hotel Artemis isn’t really a hotel… It is more of a criminal hospital… with lots of rules… rules that must be followed… or you die… do you understand?… Good… because we are going to break most of them… even a really big… maybe the most important one… Don’t let a cop into the den of deceit… and for no real reason at all we fucking do it… well there is a reason… this wasn’t really all that poorly written… but they really did follow the method of… “Oh, this would be really awesome”… “Shit I’m in a hole”… “How do I get out of this?”… “Oh, this would be really awesome”… wash… rinse… and repeat… But they did it pretty well until they couldn’t… and that my friends is called the end…

I got side tracked there… point is they attempted to build a world that was pretty interesting… they tried to build a place where all of these cool characters could come together… and they barely pulled it off… I wouldn’t say it was a complete waste of my time… afterwards maybe… only because I had the same thought the creator did right after seeing John Wick… “Hey, I can do that.”… but then laziness kicked in… said ah fuck it… and added my ideas to the ever-growing pile of shit I like to call my notes… 

Enough with the negatives… let’s get ankles deep in the positives about this film… The makeup on Jodie Foster was impressive… to the point where I was like there is no fucking way she is that old… turns out she isn’t… great job there… Sterling K. Brown did an amazing job… though a lot of this I feel was just his overall nature of being cool, calm, and a collected bad ass… he is also the main character and in an interesting twist one of the most informed characters about this world…

(For the non-writers… usually the main character has no idea what the fuck is going on… because they are you… the audience… there for we are experiencing this story together for the first time… learning, growing, and expanding our horizons beyond what we thought was or could be… “You mean to tell me I am a Wizard and that there is a whole Wizarding world I didn’t know existed?. Please tell me more.”… that’s at least a year’s worth of college… you’re welcome… Also yes, you are Harry Potter… and that is why if you actually read the books… you too have come to the conclusion that the movies suck… because they aren’t like you or the ways you imagined that world to be… and if you thought they were awesome?… stop lying to yourself… they were shit cash grabs…) 

Back to where I was… Brown does a great job… Not as great as he does on American Crime Story… but great none the less… Charlie Day also does a great job… only because for once he isn’t playing himself in a comedy role… rather he is playing himself in a “dramatic” one… this may sound like an insult… or that I am shitting on him in some way… but actually I am not… massive Charlie Day fan… would watch him in anything.. and I have… and I have enjoyed all of his performances… Always Sunny For Life… As far as everyone else… they were all interesting… they were all awesome… as someone who is really into movies and wasting their life on this crap… I always love when someone I recognize pops up… “Oh shit, they are in this”… comes up a lot when I watch movies and I love that… 

Overall Score

Hard fucking pass… another case of this trailer is awesome… what else is out there?… If you find this on Netflix… someone else paid for it… or you just got sick of burning your money and thought, “Hey, I don’t actually have to light it on fire all the time to have the same effect” … Then I say check it out… There are things to like… but not enough to love…

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I’m pretty sure anyone who was asking for a sequel to Marry Poppins is either dead or dying… what is this the 60’s?… This film is about five decades too late…

There are actually people out there who could use the money…and the help… Instead of blowing it on the making of this film… I’ve got a sequel for you… Mary Pippins Actually Helps Somebody… it’s a documentary… throw in some songs about scoring crack under a bridge called… This Medicine Don’t Go Down So Smooth… everybody has a great time… it’s a family film… a feel good film about how shitty the world is… we laugh… we cry… we wait five decades and see the actual impact of our kindness… I even have the tagline… “Who the fuck is Mary Poppins?”… it could be amazing… 

Been A Minute… Taking It For A Test Drive… Part 1…

(Preface) Forewarning… this might get weird… 

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Movie Review Time…

A couple of post ago… (I should insert the post link here… but I’m not sure which one it was… yeah I’m lazy…) I talked about a few up coming movies I wanted to see… well… fun fact I have seen some of them since then… I’m going to do my best to be civil and not a complete asshole… (I will end up being one of these)… with that said… this is what I know…

  1. I know that everyone who worked on these films gave it their all… every last blood sweat and tear… 
  2. I over explain every thing…
  3. This is all going to be opinion and shouldn’t stop you from seeing either one of these movies if you still want too… 

Actual Movie Review Time…

(Spoilers ahead)

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First up we have Bad Times At The El Royale… and what a fucking bad time it was… I was really looking forward to this movie… and maybe I hyped it up in my head… maybe I saw the cast list and thought… can’t fuck this up… well sadly I was so very wrong…

The movie spends a fuck ton of time building up this world in which it takes place… the real world… 1969 … but a world where all these characters come together at the El Royale… a once swinging place where the rich and famous once came to enjoy the best parts of an excessive life… sex… drugs… and the rat pack… the El Royale has fallen on bad times since then… no longer a place any respectable person should be seen checking out… 

The only redeeming part of this film is the cast and the characters they play… each one is fascinating in their own right… which for one character that we follow through a cringe worthy… suspense riddle… sadly played too well existence… was completely pointless and a giant negative to the over all film… the character that I am speaking of is an F.B.I. agent played by Jon Hamm… unless I blacked out at some point while watching this… (Totally possible… a lot of pacing issues…) I still have no idea why I needed to follow this character for longer than five minutes… or why I should even give a shit that he is sad about not seeing his son… or why he is even there at all… other than to die… yeah you are asked to invest an overall interest in this character and what the hell he is doing for no reason at all… other than he dies… even if you aren’t as soulless as me… pretty sure you’ll feel nothing when it happens too… 

And guess what?… that sums each and every character… all the way through the 141 minute run time… leaving you feeling hollow and confused by the end of this film… not because this film is so deep that you didn’t get something… but because there is nothing to get… that you wasted all this time… for nothing…

Sadly… there was so much that could have been loved in this film… the setting… the characters… the overall idea… it would have made one hell of a short film… or even a novel… could have expanded on a lot of things… things a novel would have given you time to digest… and set up an actual ending… not so much in a visual sense… because I wouldn’t sit through a longer version of this… I could easily see though loving this movie had they cut out some of the back story around theses characters… I might have been left wanting to know more about them… rather than being left wondering why I ever cared about any of them in the first place… or why this man has to look so damn good all the time… 

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Final Grade

A waste of fucking time… watch the trailer… and wonder what could have been…

 

 

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Part 2 hopefully coming tomorrow… where I shit on a whole other movie… look forward to that… If you are into TV series and have access to Netflix… Happy! is worth checking out… much better than the comic… unfair though considering the comic series was only four issues… shows great… you should check it out… 

In other actual exciting news… this is my 300th post… which is pretty crazy… didn’t think I would even get to 10… and here I am… I want to thank every one of you for reading… I know things have been sporadic and weird the last few months… wish I could say that the next few won’t be… but honestly were is the fun in that?… crazy train keeps on rolling… and I thank you none the less… 

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