Digging Up The Past… Embarrassing To Say The Least…

Lets take it back… back to before the beginning… before the time… I ever wanted to do this… before it was a dream… when it was something I did… over something I wanted to do… if I cut myself open right now… there is no way any of this would come out… lost thoughts… embarrassment… exposed just for you… why the fuck do I do this to myself?… 

 

Age 13: Digging a Ditch Six Feet Deep

Please Stay

I don’t know what to say
You probably wouldn’t understand anyway
You know I love you so why won’t you stay, stay, stay
Hey, Hey, just stay, stay
Sorry if you don’t like the way I speak to you
I’m sorry but you’re the first person I’ve fallen in love with
And I don’t know what to say to make you happy with me
So please stay don’t go away please stay with me please
Stay with me
I’ll try to make you happy with me if you don’t
Go away so please stay with me I’ll make everything be okay

 

(Editors Note)… I cleaned up a fuck ton of editing  mistakes… your vs you’re… ok vs okay… no vs know… so my grammar has at least gotten better over time… not by much… a lot to unpack here… No fucking idea what this was really about… don’t remember writing this at all… but looking back at this time… this point in my life… where I was… I can guess this was about a girl named Ashley… that’s her real name… no fucking clue what her last name is or was… Also we were never together… because I was too scared….

There is one story about her that I can tell… I hate myself so much… you’re welcome… once on a dare… I called her house… we all lived on base so our numbers were listed if you knew the last name… I remember that I kind of knew her last name… at least what it started with… so I called every number until… haha… Jesus… and asked for Ashley until some one said one second… Who the fuck knows how long that took… time is not a thing when you are that young… I finally get her on the line… I’ve been working over what I would say in my head this whole time… I hear her voice… and I shut down… I stay silent… “Hello?”… “Hello?”… finally I say… “Do you know what we are supposed to do for History Class?”… 

That was one of the classes we shared… she tells me whatever it was… “Did you want to talk about anything else?”… “Nope that was it”… hung up the phone… didn’t say… see you tomorrow… thank you… just put the phone down like a zombie… we didn’t talk much if ever again… of course I saw her everyday until I eventually moved… she even dated a guy that looked a lot like me… over weight and funny… I may have built this next part in my head.. who knows or cares after this much time… but you could tell she was unhappy… it was almost like she was trying to tell me to ask… all I had to do was ask… I didn’t… 

I don’t regret dating some girl I have no idea about… I regret not taking a chance… worst thing she could have said was no… be right here where I am anyway… happy… with a family… telling stories… or I might have been a serial killer… life is about gambling… but if you don’t roll the dice… well nothing is going to happen…  

 

Bonus: Favorite Bands At That Time

  1. Blink- 182
  2. Slipknot
  3. New Found Glory
  4. Mudvayne
  5. Soulfly
  6. Alien Ant Farm
  7. Sum 41
  8. Coal Chamber
  9. Fear Factory
  10. Spineshank

(That’s an official list… an official list of sadness…  haha… you know I was cool as fuck at 13… and that’s okay if you don’t think so… haha… we all area bunch of losers in the end… I couldn’t be more proud… embrace who you are… )

 

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Stay on the line for more embarrassing shit… I’ve dug up… 

 

Hyped…

Another short post… still have a lot of thoughts running through my mind at the moment… about what I want to do… bare with me… and yes I am aware that this is a cop out… but I just watched the new trailer… well the only trailer at the moment for Captain Marvel… super hyped… so I thought I would share some movies that I am hyped about… pretty lame… not at all bloody… but if you want to imagine that I pulled these trailers from my own brain with a bloody knife… well who am I to stop you?… 

 

 

Other movies I want to check out…

Bad Times at the El Royale

 

Hotel Artemis

ARIZONA

 

 

Seems like I am really into hotel movies as of late… haha… but they both look really good… In all fairness… I’d watch anything with The Dude in it… I could watch him read a boring book… it would be creepy as fuck… but I would do it…

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You don’t have to buy my shit… but please feel free to review it… shit on it… whatever makes you happy… : )

Watching The World Go By… In Ever Passing Moments…

The Plan

Feelings disappear into the light
Faded but always there
Moments in time seems to last forever
Seconds of thought, a lifetime of regret
Decisions made that can’t be undone
Another day in the life of someone else
Too afraid to take a step
Backwards or forwards there is nothing left
Feelings reappearing every night
Haunting me from the shadows
Crosses burning, signaling a fight
A struggle so unreal that it has to be real life
A thought that doesn’t cross empty minds
Time has a way or remaining all the same
People don’t change only the time and place
Lost in a cycle that can’t possibly end
Given up only to just begin
Suffering was always the ultimate plan

 

Mapping out how I would feel
Planning every occurrence that makes this unreal
A desperation so pure
A rotting life left with no cure

 

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Short post today… I’m not feeling today at all… which is an odd way to say that I am feeling too much… too many thoughts to make any sense… ever passing moment… there is a war inside my head… a battle to keep going on… versus a force that says lay down and die… dig a hole and crawl in… ever passing moment… self-destruction was never my thing… only a dream… locked inside my head… “Want to destroy something beautiful”… what is it that I want to destroy?… when I’m so ugly… scared… broken… the surface still… calm… chaos hidden from view… tearing my throat out… won’t shut up… tearing my soul to pieces… can’t give up… some part of me… still in here… in some way… waiting out the storm… ever passing moment… I’m only trying to live… 

 

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“This chicken is really spicy!!!”… My daughter… made me smile when I wanted to cry… all I added was a hint of pepper… little things that make no sense… change of mood… love her… even if I don’t love myself… comforting to know I love at all… 

There’s a Crack In My Heart That I Can Not Contain…

 

It’s been 27 years since this song debuted… a lot of shit has happened in that time… a lot of emotions have sparked and died… but does any of it matter?… Is music really that important?… Is a dead man worth remembering?… 

We are all searching for some form of importance… to our kids… to our friends… on the internet… through our books… and words… thoughts thought about and purged onto someone else… it all seems too much to take in at times… too much to process… but is it important?… I would hope so…

This song makes me happy… makes me want to get up and do something with myself… the song brings me so much joy, but at the same time so much pain… so many thoughts of what could have been… the realization that someone is dead… that there is no more music coming… a retrospective on who I am and what I want to be… a burden or a saint… 

Worshiping a drug addict doesn’t seem like the right think to do… but if he told me to jump… would I?… how much influence can someone really have?… as much as we let them… a guiding light… when it comes to the arts… we take certain things and separate them from the facts… it doesn’t matter what he did but what he has done… broken… the idea is broken… and I am broken right along with him… 

Kurt Cobain has influenced me… Nirvana has influenced me… and in the 27 years since then… they still do… along with countless others… his death was to me another crack on my heart… another fractured reminder that all my heroes are dead… and one day I will be too… 

 

“I have never failed to feel.”
Kurt Cobain

 

 

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We Made It Down Here Today… Broken Thoughts All The Same

Heavy handed explanation of nothing at all
A feeling in your heart, a hand around your throat
Broken bodies speaking in tongues
An ancient language only you and I know
Words made of sounds and movements
Killing myself to watch you die
Equality means more than we can understand
Persecution of your heart, of your broken soul
Each thought a loaded weapon against a weak defense
Guilty, charged, walking the winding path
To the hangman’s noose
Together we walk hand in hand
We’ve always known we’d swing together
All that’s left is to not kill each other

 

So I’ve been meaning to ask
I’ve been dying to know
What is it we reap when we sow?

 

I’m scratching and I’m bleeding
I’m wondering if this is what I have always been needing
Hidden deep within my skin
A sin so deep no one can see
Used to love all this pain you put me in
An odd feeling buried in my lungs
I’m scratching and I’m bleeding
I’m digging deeper as if this is what I have always needed
Hidden somewhere within me
A secret so deep no one can see
Used to love all these stupid little things
An odd feeling seeped into my brain
I’m scratching and I’m bleeding
I’m wondering if this has always been me

 

Who the fuck are you to say
You ever thought you’d understand me

 

Stringing together thoughts only to hope you fear them
A frightening time to be me with a shotgun
Too subtle or too direct I’m not sure
The director said to give it some more feeling so here it is
A catalyst of shame and regret
A drug meant to consume more than just your soul
Make you forget all the things you don’t already know
Rambling on about the vanity in your eyes
Too subtle or too direct I’m not sure
Always been a dick in disguise
An asshole buried deep down inside
I’m smiling but I’m so ready to watch you die

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Could someone turn on the light?… got real dark… for no reason why… an endless parade of broken thoughts… had to cut it off somewhere… where to explain… if I should even bother… too subtle or too direct I’m not sure… so unsure about everything… so here it goes… 

Heavy handed explanation of nothing at all (Nervousness about a certain thought… wonder what it could be?… lets find out)
A feeling in your heart, a hand around your throat (Subconscious feeling found in others or one’s self… A want… a need?… everyone is different)
Broken bodies speaking in tongues (Sex)
An ancient language only you and I know (Still sex)
Words made of sounds and movements (Even more sex)
Killing myself to watch you die (Realizing all this relationship has purely physical…)
Equality means more than we can understand (This line just sounds good… haha… the realization that not just the man feels this way… using each other… yet still hurts...)
Persecution of your heart, of your broken soul (Anger or hurt over the last said thought… another version in a sense of how could you do this to me?…)
Each thought a loaded weapon against a weak defense (More fighting)
Guilty, charged, walking the winding path (Coming to a general understanding)
To the hangman’s noose (The Pain is all that we know… wanting it together… death)
Together we walk hand in hand (More sex… haha… no it is about moving on)
We’ve always known we’d swing together (A singular idea about relationships… love at first sight… play on words… a play on the idea… a proving how broken they each really are for each other)
All that’s left is to not kill each other  (let’s get back to that sex again)

This may actually seems like a real life story… or based completely on truth… in truth it isn’t… a few things are… but not enough to say that this based on anyone I know… sometimes I just get lazy… or don’t have enough time to write a story… pretty lame explanation I am sure… though I was in a relationship a long ass time ago… that was similar… based purely on what else were we going to do at the time?… toxic is the only way to describe that relationship… sometimes love seem so real… then you look back and think what the fuck was I doing?… 

To me love seems more of the opposite… you should look back and can’t believe you ever got so lucky… can’t believe you are still with that person… there are and will always be up and down in relationships… friends… family… lovers… but if you can look back and smile?… always a good thing… always something worth fighting for… but what the hell do I know… just another asshole among a crowded toilet… speak your peace… think what you need… live life like it matters… take care of yourself… 

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Well This Should Be Fun…

I had a lot of fun doing a Q and A with myself… last week… so I thought why not this week do one with all of you?… kind of like the blog awards… but not… so leave a question down below in the comments… or on Twitter… and I will or I won’t answer them by Friday… for Friday’s post… so questions need to be in by Thursday morning at the latest… If you don’t want me to link you to your question… let me know… This should be fun… 

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Broken Thoughts… Good For Your Health?…

Probably not… but here we go anyway… 

 

Share A Time In Your Life When You Were Embarrassed?

So glad that you asked… my first post… had no fucking idea what I was doing… three days in I was thinking… why did I even bother… should give up and quit… now these words and thoughts are all over the internet… how could I ever believe I would connect with anyone in this world… then it happened… a like… one like… meant more to me than anything had in years… someone actually thought my thoughts were worth a like… my whole attitude towards this mess… changed… rode the “like” dragon for a while after that… but that is a whole other story… so if you hate or like anything that I am doing you can thank the liker… Little Fears… it is all his fault… 

 

Why Do Some Kids Use Drugs?

This is always something that I have gotten… but then at the same time don’t understand at all… I drink and I do other things that I shouldn’t… I’d main line caffeine if I thought it could keep my eyes open for five more minutes… I’m not above it… I’m not above anything… I believe in free will… good or bad… we need to make our own choices… that is life to me… but if you can watch Requiem For A Dream… and right after be like Heroin looks like a fun drug… go fuck yourself… because that is all you are doing… there is no escape from all of this… we can visit… we can think that there is… but this is fucking life… as shitty and as grand as it can be… this is it… with that said I’ve never done acid… and I’ve heard nothing but bad things… torn between my beliefs… my responsibilities… the reality of life… so why do some kids use drugs?… because they want the escape… they want to take that escape hatch to some place else… not to Wonderland… not to greatness… but a darkness that I never want to understand… 

Also… watch Requiem For A Dream… fuck the US anti drug campaign… that is all anyone should ever need… There is also Candy... Trainspotting… you know what don’t do fucking drugs… the shit is awful… if you want to get high… go run or… you know what go help someone less fortunate than you… Life is fucking hard… and I love you… Destroying yourself… will never lead to something better… 

 

What Feelings Do You Have The Most Trouble Expressing?

Face to face?… honesty… I’m a great fucking liar… I like too… I enjoy the shit out of it… not change your life… fuck you over lies… but know that if I retell a story about anything we have done… how our day went… that shit is going to be epic… which is odd… because when I write… when I do the first draft of these blogs and thoughts… it is so easy to say the truth… so easy that it is boring… I go back… think how would I say this to your face… 

With that said… the only person I have no problem being honest to their face… is my wife… we have to lie to our children… when they are young at least… and even then I try not too… in fact my wife is always telling me to dial it back… she is three… haha… but I can’t lie to my wife… she has my heart on a string…  a life support that I need… but face to face?… you and me?… I’m probably lying about something…

 

When You Are Alone And No One Can See You or Hear You, What Do You Like To Do?

First off… am I in a fucking coma?… because I have a three-year old… with the worst case of ADHD I could possible imagine… that I have long since abandon my believe on the subject… this shit is real people… love that monster… but she is fucking crazy… honestly I feel bad for the rest of you… haha… good luck… I did my best… 

This question should be pretty obvious… I like to write… I always have… since I was thirteen… back when I thought writing was just writing words that rhythm… so yesterday… haha… seriously… early me… “I like gopher guts in gruel… because I hate school”… that’s real… hey… be jelly… thirteen year old me was fucking awesome… that’s why I had no friends and endless time to fail… fail I did… so hard… fun fact of life… you have to fail… failure is the only way to get better… well that an repetition… but if you aren’t failing… what the fuck are you doing?… 

 

What Is Your Favorite Food?

Yakisoba… all fucking day every fucking day… specifically… yakisoba from this tiny ass noodle shop in Misawa Japan… Cheese Roll Noodle… no idea if that is the real name of the place… but that is what we called it… when I lived there… the food… the food is so fucking good… I miss Japan every day… most of all I miss that place… if I could live there I would… no need for pay… just feed me… well now I’m depressed… too far from home I suppose… if you are ever in that tiny ass town in northern Japan… you have to go there… because what else are you going to do?… get drunk at train park?… 

I miss Japan so much… when I was there I didn’t really care for Anime… now that I am here in the US… I love Anime… Manga… not just for their apparent greatness… I’ve gotten ahead of myself… I like Anime’s that deal with every day life… because I miss the street signs… I miss the roads… I miss the fucking exit signs… Mini Stop food… the hundred Yen stores… the weather… the smells… the shrines… everything… Air Gear I hear is a shit Anime… love that shit… not enough shots of the locations though… Chobits… amazing… FLCL… the end shots of the streets… I miss Japan every day… 

 

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I hope you enjoyed this edition of Broken Thoughts… All questions came from that Ungame…. game I talked about a few months back… I know… that was supposed to be a thing… never turned out that way… alright I’m done sharing… enjoy your day… thanks for sitting through the madness… to learn a little bit more about me… 

 

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