Get over it as they say Killing off, cutting off the dead limbs The misery, the pain Burning down the village of the damned Taking everything I deserve Worked harder than I care to admit For nothing at all Big ass smile, fucking let down Watching the flames burn higher and higher The stench more than anyone can handle Move the fuck away from me Haven’t you ever seen someone Trying to kill themselves for your pleasure?
Face down… ass up… looking for the sun…
I know because I’ve heard before Thought I could hide my intentions For eons I’ve done nothing right A promise I couldn’t keep Lies stitch together my very soul God was right they’re all destined to fail How could I, a fallen angel, have not known Jealousy courses through their veins Hate and anger a diet they must consume No one ever pauses to question Who creates something so awful and calls them their children? A beaten corpse with no name Resurrection after resurrection same every time Broken prophecy filled with truth False hope fills my soul An answer I’ll never come to understand
At the end of days everything will be much of the same… only different…
Through the darkness I can see the future Much darker than now Who am I to complain Existence is existence None the less Bitching my way to death A threat left empty handed What the hell else was I to do To live is to die Same as it ever was A broken promise left on paper Digital age took over So I guess I really am all alone
It is starting to get warmer here in hell… and fuck I hate it… going to have to go back to writing in the nude… it doesn’t help the ideas flow but it doesn’t stop them either… I hate the heat… can only strip down so far… haven’t found away to strip away my flesh… well I mean I have but I’m going to need some help… In the mean time all I am left with is to suffer… same as it ever was I guess… No idea where I was going with this… the sweat is getting in my eyes and I can’t think… that feeling when that one bead of sweat runs from your armpit and down your side… shiver… bring on the ice age already… it is too hot to make any sense…
A bloody feeling touching finger tips Hints of a reason Scene of the crime A broken heart with no life Stabbing pains in my side What has it been Days, weeks, months I don’t care The thought only grows A sick feeling inside my head If only I could I know that I would Desperation and a fucked up feeling Tell me one more time So I can remember Slipping through the cracks Concrete floor never felt so soft Until they left me bleeding on the floor Death rattle shaking A cold wave washes over everything
Scratching at the surface only to dig deeper
Bleeding under the stars Isn’t any different than not Feelings become lost In so much shit Said I cared when I didn’t Said I didn’t when I did I’m a confused asshole What do you want me to say When no one believes me any way Rats will rule this world Becomes okay, is ok Past tense so subversive Predictable predictions on how this would be I missed the boat, yeah that’s me Digging a grave at sea
One for the money… Two for the turn around and go home…
Worn down after the years of abuse The teeth tell a story Buried in the concrete Age not in the thought But in the heart Taking what is left Buried upon the surface Paint the blood on your skin Drying along the scars A map of your abuse Screaming obscenities Words that remind me of you What it means I don’t know What it does I don’t know How it feels How it ever was Drowning in the thoughts Pouring out of the skin Pressure releasing all the lies Tell me one more time How you’d like to watch me die
Someone is always better
Slipping down a path made of sin The piss feels like rain from here Choking to keep throwing up It isn’t hell if it is home It isn’t hell if it is all you know Jamming it down my throat to see how it feels Stuck, shifting gears into another thought The mud isn’t dirt but shit Drowning in a sea of all of this Asked for forgiveness but only wanted a reason Thought I was full of nothing Come to find out I just have too much to say The lines blend together when you line them up Broken threads in a stream of consciousness It isn’t hell if it feels like home It isn’t hell if it is all that I want to know Fucking useless conclusion A feeling I lost looking into the abyss Staring into nothing along A deep dark hole made of deceit Love the feeling even if it only brings need
“All you ever do is write.” “Correction… all I want to do is write… there is a difference…” That didn’t go over so well… so I’m off to spend time with my family… Black Yoshi going to paint ever track with your blood… game on ladies… : )
The razor blade digs into my side A contraption meant for something else Reusing useless item to make a point
The absence of your insignificance
Spitting the venom foaming at the mouth I loved you so much that I wish I was dead Standing at the crossroads of crucifixion A place that meant so much before Words carry no weight Cliched, depraved edition of everything said Spinning in circles looking for something that isn’t there A long ass sentence with no point Left alone so long ago Abandoned to the point no one knows Lost in time and space All the ideas we decided to create
Selfishness and everything I strive to be
Hung over, fractured skull Left regretting mistakes Still processing all the shame Brain on fire and only one to blame Stand still, watching the world spin Slowly becoming, sober
Flesh from the bone… heart torn from the soul…
The flames of despair are flaring up again Taking away any confidence I may have had Searching the world for my ego Stealing from all those around me Demented dimensions of disproportionate thoughts Shattered shadow slowly dying in the dark Lost everything when I lost you Took away anything I thought I had A talent for noticing how fucked up I am My will sways in the wind Broken branches littering the ground Up routed and so far from where I began Where do I go Standing before a fork in a destroyed road No path free from your corruption No path that hasn’t already been worn down Sell my soul for a little peace A thoughtless thought that haunts me
Burning through my notes at an unusual pace… honestly trying to clear most of this mess off my desk… move on to something new… I’d love to start working on my novel… well I have but I have been at an impasse… Been too lazy… collecting excuses… collecting pages of distractions… Been so long I’m starting to forget what it was even about… not a good sign… figure it all out in time… everything in time I suppose…
You keep coming at me Sticking your face where it doesn’t belong Maybe it is your ideology that puts you in your place Maybe it is all the things that you couldn’t say Beat you down to make it go away A constant fight with too much at stake Killing the reasons that drive me insane Choking all these feelings, put them in their place Maybe it is all the things I have to take Maybe it is all the times I have felt raped The words sink in and I don’t know what to say Too many days feeling this way
I don’t play God I just Sheppard in his beliefs
Your little tragedies are building up A cut here, a scar there The blood rebuilds but never heals A truth we don’t want to believe Invincible in the sense that we are not Riding this thoughtless thought out
Taking each moment in
Falling victim to the flames Standing up to the walls of Christ Stuck somewhere in between A theory, a thought on it all Trying harder to not try at all Trapped in a wake I can not escape God had a plan she just forgot to tell me Rising above the tide, a glimpse, a vision Comes to mind but why should it ever Make any sense Intention are never the same as actions Reading minds never got me anywhere
The voices take me under
The darkness hides a secret A truth we could never take The nightmare of it all Inflicted with so many issues Praying is one way to bring in the demons Drinking has always been An escape I could never afford Breaking down all the reasons You are still in my mind Miss the days it was only You and I My regrets aren’t the ones hidden on the surface Resting in the shadows Sleeping on the cold floor of my heart Miss everything I could never have Choices made Decisions out of my control Spreading messages I don’t even understand Saying shit I don’t know how to say Broken, I wish they’d just go away
Chipping away at all these notes… feels good to get some of this off my mind… my heart… my soul… if words were an avalanche of shit… I’m buried under them… haha… could you imagine?… may have thrown up in my mouth a little bit… if you have ever changed a diaper… the smell alone… shiver… haha…
There is no good transition from that last paragraph… though technically is it a paragraph if all the sentences are broken up?… never covered that one in school… odd they never covered any of my style in school… well that’s not fair… they probably did… but more in the what not to do… so you know I wasn’t listening… obviously… : )
In a good mood today… feeling life… writing all this depressing shit was a drag… kind of felt like who is this asshole?… then I remembered it was me… still in a good mood… good moods are bad for me… I’m not feeling this at all… this is very much gun to my head writing… but you deserve more… and I want to give it to you… maybe you don’t feel that way… maybe you think I am crazy… hey no one reading this really knows… listening to Where Is My Mind by The Pixies… (Not even going to link that… because you should know that song…) Getting lost in that under water sound…
“Hello Liam,” I say as I enter the room. “Doctor,” he smiles
in his own sinister way. “How’s everything today?” I ask him. “Oh you know can’t
really complain. Got to sleep in late, watched as the birds played in the trees
while I enjoyed my very nutritious breakfast, and afterword I went for a nice
walk around town,” he deadpans. “Cute, I’m sure it is easy to get around town
in that straight jacket,” I say to him. “It is a tad bit constraining, but you
know the ladies love a man who knows how to dress for the occasion,” he laughs.
“And I’m sure the ladies love you. It is only too bad that you are a danger to
yourself and everyone else,” I say as I open the file in front of me. “A danger
to myself?” he gasps. “Tell me is that your medical opinion or your personal
opinion? Because I will have you know that there isn’t one person out there who
would back up your claim,” he shifts in his chair. “That’s because beside me
there is no one left who really knows you Liam. You made sure of that didn’t
you?” I ask. He tries to lean his chair back but it is bolted to the floor. “There’s
no use scratching at the scars of the past now is there Doctor?”
“Unfortunately that’s all you have any more. Tell me do you
ever stop to think that may be the reason you are in here instead of out there?”
I ask him. “Are you really asking me if I have time to think right now? Or are
you simply trying to get through your checklist of nonsensical questions?
Because I’m having a hard time telling the difference,” he fires back. I’m
losing him. The nice guy, everything is a joke personality is starting to fade.
I can see it in his eyes. The dark hollow orbs staring back at me. I write down
my observation on the paper in front of me. “See something you like? Find
something new? Care to discuss what new profound idea popped into your head?” I
ignore his questions. Bait to fall into a trap. Liam likes words. Uses them to
distract you, confuse you into doing exactly what he wants. A trait he must
have possessed his whole life. “Stop looking at me like some sort of side show
freak,” he growls. “Are you angry Liam?” I finally ask him. He tries to fake a
smile but the real Liam has taken over, “No of course not.” His eyes never
blink. Only if you are looking for it do you even notice that the skin around
his eyes begin to tighten with every passing moment. No one the wiser would
think he looks calm, cool, and collected, but I can see through his mask. He has
the look of a mostly forgotten memory. “God, there is just so much of him left
inside of you,” I say. The lines of his face form a most sinister smirk, “Do
you mean our father?”
“Are you sure that I didn’t burn most of him out? Medically
speaking.” Liam turns his head to show off his scars and what’s left of his
left ear. “I’m very certain that no matter how much you hurt yourself you will
always be like him,” I tell him. “Why don’t you take this straight jacket off
and we can test that theory Doctor,” he says. His voice calm and his eyes like
fire. “I’d prefer we didn’t. Medically speaking of course,” I smile. “I’m sure
you do. Remember how you used to hide behind the living room curtains whenever
he would come home? You were weak then and you are just as weak now. I never
feared our father. Even as a child I could see what he was. Maybe I didn’t
understand it completely but I knew what I wanted to be,” he muses. “Are you admitting
that you were fully aware of your crimes?” I ask with my pen in my hand. He
ignores my question. “You probably get off on the idea that your little brother
is some kind of monster? But here is the thing brother. You can hide behind
your little curtain. You can roam these halls pretending you are some educated
healer, but we both know. I know that you aren’t. No, hidden away somewhere in
that thick skull of yours he hides. It hides. You think you are better than me,
but you are nothing more than the same,” he rants.
“I think that is enough for today,” I say uncomfortably. “Of course you do. You have no back bone. Never have. You can’t accept who you really are. What we are,” he taunts. Do not give in I think to myself. Don’t listen to his false words. “I can stand up for myself just fine. I know who I am and what I am,” I tell him. “Yeah and what is that Brother?” he asks me. “Sane, normal, a free man in this world. A man not strapped down by chains for sins committed.” I enlighten. He looks almost bored from my words. “I pity you brother I really do. You can hide behind your curtain, your title. The idea that you are sane. Free from the evils of this family, but in reality it is you that is in chains not me,” he taunts. “You can taunt me all you want Liam, but I am the one in control,” I say firmly. His eyes look as though they might jump from his skull, “You will never know the true meaning of control. You will never feel its true power for as long as you hide behind the curtain. Those victims as you call them were nothing more than stepping stones, martyrs to show me a better life. They showed me the truth of this world. Beyond our father. Beyond reason. So you can judge me all you want from behind your curtain or you can join me on the other side of it.” I signal for the orderlies to come in and take him away, “This meeting has been insightful as always. Can’t wait to see you in a few weeks to do it all over again Liam.” The orderlies place his muzzle around his face and left him up from the chair. “It is only a matter of time Brother. I can see it in your eyes,” he shouts as he exits the room. “Only a matter of time.”
They say I’m depressed Enlightened by the idea They even know me The loneliness creeps up Digs deep inside Have always felt I have been Left to die A child’s thought buried inside How long am I willing to ride this out?
Torn Between… Everything is fine…
My head is finally empty A feeling I’ve been searching for Though I don’t understand Everything seems pointless Repeated over and over again Suicide doesn’t seem painless But really only the next step
A sober thought lost in my mind…
The spiders shall crawl across your skin From the darkness of you heart Spinning webs in the empty space Fading from the structure started Disappearing in the disappointment Of a lost idea in my head Taking a long time to talk this out So unsure what to say Too many things killing me Ignoring everything Hard to breathe Too many things getting in the way Hard to tell What the hell I’m even saying
Too depressed even for me… Walking it off…
“It has been awhile since we have seen each other. It has been a time since I have been like this. I have to say that I missed this. Missed us in a way that makes no sense.” I bash my head into the bathroom mirror. The image in front of me shatters. Lines of blood across my face and I stare into my cold dead eyes. “You’ve always been so beautiful. The things you do to me. The way you make me feel is unmistakable. You are me and I have always been you. That’s the smile I have missed.” The blood drips from my face, from my teeth, onto the sink, and staring. “They said we shouldn’t be together. I’ll admit I agreed for a time but now that we are back together? As I look into your eyes? Fuck them for ever tearing us apart. Who the fuck are they to decide what we mean to each other? They don’t know what it takes for us to walk this Earth.” I smash my head against the mirror once again. Tiny shards sticking out of my face. “Now let’s go show them what it is you really mean to me.”
That last one was fun… been sitting on that one for a while… no idea where it came from… I was planning for it to be this whole story… but fuck it… new ideas will come… very crazy mix of thoughts in this one… I know I throw words like suicide and death around… like they ain’t shit… need to stress that these are Broken Thoughts… moments that pass… some of them repeat in my head… so I can see why my friends and family worry…
I appreciate it… always have… I don’t use those words for attention… I take them very seriously… they are also only thoughts… feel guilty when I make others worry… because there is nothing to worry about… writing has always been a way for me to get this shit out of me… because that’s how I really feel… suicide and death is shit… there are plenty of things to live for… what else is there really to do?…
Death will come whether we want it to or not… the price we pay for life… so there is no reason to speed it up… there is always a way out… a lesson to be learned… even when you think there is no other way out… you’d be surprised that there is… I have been back against the wall… seen some shit… lived through things I’d never wish on anyone… feet still planted firmly on this earth… didn’t get through any of it alone… things always seem so much worse up close… at times we can feel so alone on this earth… trust me though you are never alone…
If I have learned anything from sharing my thoughts over the past two years… it is that we are never alone… something I think we all need to be reminded of every day… not everyone is your friend… but not everyone is a monster either… protect yourself… but don’t lock yourself away completely… things will get better… sometimes it takes time… sometimes all you have to do is ask… but things get better…
Speaker (Playing Feel Good Hit of the Summer by Queens of the Stone Age…)
My head (Wondering… “what the fuck am I even doing?”..)
Answering a text. “Odd because so are we”… Context important only to me.
Looking over the papers.“What do I even want to do?… Write a story?… Broken Thoughts?… a poem or two?… Stare at the screen some more?…Puts head back on desk.
Daughter walks in the room. Screams at me about Ads on her knock off Minecraft game… “Fix it.”Too broke to buy the real thing… she is too young to even know how to use it… or so I think… deflects with… “I’m working”… Feeling like a shitty parent… the feeling will pass…Puts head back on desk.
Picks up lighter.(Seriously don’t smoke…) Lid catches on fire. (Too much fuel in the Zippo… Might be mentally challenged… stressing might…)Closes lid on lighter. Stares at the screen.
Thoughts in my head.I know that they are there…Big ass spider crawls across my desk.(Not Face Hugger Big… but big enough to notice…) “Do I kill it or let it live?”… try to kill it… it is too fast… lost it in the papers… no idea where it went… “Great”… Puts head back on the desk.
More texts. “Did you do what I asked?” No… feel like a shitty husband… the feeling will pass… Respond back. “I’m working”…Stares at the screen.
Instructions. Insert logo image. Insert links. Think of tags. Settle for what you already know. Schedule post. Put head back on the desk and think of something to say. Make something up if you have to.