Standing beside the devil at the gates of hell There’s no heaven for someone like me Laid down before Christ Kissed his feet Hoping I won’t be the only one that’s died Best one could hope for a silent death Stripping the flesh inch for inch Killing the idea of you was never meant to be easy Taking breath for breath, taking a life Welcome home tattooed across my skin In blood, in blood we learn what freedom is Never forget who you really are A devil saint masquerading as a demon One in the fucking same, no different from the next Who I am and what you’ll be What is it that the world made me A puppet, a pawn, my new plaything Smile, this is all God ever asked from you The blood only a part of the process Smile, gave you all that you needed Never good enough, no one ever will be Need more to understand What I’ve become Same as you only worse Never give anything You aren’t willing to lose
Testing Out The Thoughts In My Head
Dragging the blade against the skin What was it that you once said No one could ever be a beautiful as you Testing the theory that it was all in my head How quickly you changed Now who is the one begging I was dead Dragging the blade against the skin Tearing out all the dirty thoughts Where do I begin, trapped within No one could ever be as clean as you Testing the theory that it was all in my head How quickly I changed Now who is the one suggesting medicine Dragging the blade against the skin Carving out all the pieces I adore Being so selective never felt so good What was it you once said No one could be as perfect as you I beg to differ on the subject Testing the theory that it was all in my head How quickly your pleas turn into threats Now who is the one begging I quit Dragging the blade against the skin I wish I could live in Worship me as I have always you Be mine so we can end these stupid games Promise me you’ll always be as beautiful As I make you Obsession leads to creativity Testing out all the thoughts in my head
Got pretty dark in here… That first one started off as a Broken Thought… then it kept going… had to change the whole theme of my post… was originally going to talk about the sun and how life is so beautiful… really just the beauty of life… the normal things I like to talk about really… but then this dark cloud came out of nowhere… sometimes life is about riding the wave of emotions… maybe next time on Cuddling with Glass…. (That still sounds pretty painful… There’s nothing soft, warm, or fuzzy about glass… other options… Gluing with Glass… Blowing with Glass… if you came up with anything post it in the comments…)
“Some nights I awake to this feeling that something is wrong. I wake up in the middle of the night most days and maybe you wake up in the day only to feel the same way. Scratching at the walls of your coffin. I’m unsure how that really works. Some nights the sky somehow seems darker than the one before it. A darkness so dark that it is as though light cannot penetrate. This isn’t a metaphor, but a fact. It makes everything, it puts me on edge for the rest of the day. Every turn of every corner leaves me waiting for the other shoe to drop. For something to go wrong or fall apart. These are metaphors though and irrational thoughts because nothing ever seems to happen. Maybe because I am aware? Because I am on the lookout for this doom that never comes? Were you aware? I think about that sometimes. I think about a lot of things with my time. I use to think I knew what life meant. What life had in store for me, but the longer I am alive the more I realize I don’t know anything.”
“Our time spent is a waste, our time not spent is a waste. Every day can feel exactly the same and yet this feeling grows. Ideas are spent trying to figure out what we are, but little to none is spent on who we are day to day at least. It gets lost, my thoughts, as I try to say or even think them rather. What I’m trying to say, what I want to say is that this longing for something greater only leave us at one conclusion. What is greater? Is breathing not great enough? The ability to think, create, or move not great enough? What is it that I want out of life besides living it? There always seems to be this bar just out of my reach, but I know that if I reach it there will only be one higher above it. Still I struggle to find the strength to do what I know needs to be done. A list of tasks, a stack of papers, a head full of ideas, and I have no idea what to do. Where to go next? Wasting time in the dark. Living a life I once thought was living. I know there is something greater out there. I also know there is nothing out there. Stuck somewhere in between or living how it was always intended to be?”
“This endless cycle is pointless in thought, but in theory it seems to be what is needed to get through these days. These dark days. These days that seem like everything is going to collapse upon itself at any moment. I still have more time on this planet than I would like to admit and I don’t know what to do with it. An endless amount of time trying or fighting will only lead me back to where I am today. I use to think that I knew what life meant, but every day it seems to rewrite itself. Everyday life seems to be changing and going nowhere all at the same time. Life is always changing, but I keep staying the same. Locked inside my head. Rambling to the dead.” She lingers at the grave stone long after the words have left her mouth. Reading the words, tracing the lines carved in stone with her eyes.
Layne Ambrose Father, Son, Husband “Never Could Get Anything Done But At Least You Tried.”
This one so far has changed more than any other story this cycle… Was unsure what to do with it really… Rewrote it several times… re read it just as many… hopefully it all flows… this isn’t an excuse for laziness… though it will sound like one… but sometimes after reading something over and over it bleeds together… love the website… love posting… but there is no time to linger in this format… to obsess over every word and sentence… which is a blessing and a curse… because I will hold onto ideas for years because it isn’t “100%”…. fun fact… no story is ever at a hundred percent…
I have been done with A Lie for years… and every now and then I catch myself starting another chapter for a story that is “done”… ride out the thought and then toss it in the trash file… I’m done with that story… but sometimes the mind lingers… we change… we want to go back and change things… I’m a better writer now than I was then… but no matter how much better I get… I will never be back in that time… that point in my life… I will never see the world the same again…
That was what this one was about for me… which to me is a good idea… but not enough… so I fucked with it… and fucked with it… until I just ran out of time… happy accidents happen when we least expect them… It wasn’t until right now as I was setting up this post that I didn’t feel like I was cheating myself in some way… settling on an idea that I thought was a waste of time… not good enough… to be fair I think this about all of my ideas… but in this case as I was setting up the post… an idea came to me…
What if it wasn’t about me… what if it was about someone else close to me?… Ideas are infectious… we are only copies of those before us… our families… our parents… with add ons… this is a very basic concept of the human brain and please don’t take offense… My dad was an asshole too… but I’m still into shit that was introduced to me before he left… another time… point is… as much as we as parents don’t want to pass on our negative attributes to our children we enviably do… it is unavoidable to a certain degree… the hope is that they will be better than we were and over come the things we couldn’t… I know it always seems like our parents or our parent want us to do so many things with our lives… but that is all they really want… that is what each generation is… a do over on the last one… change is slow though… and the world is fast… and only getting faster… another time on this idea as well…
The woman or girl… at the end is my daughter… and I failed to do what I meant to do as a parent… to not pass on all the negative shit I’m not going to list here… that concept got me excited about this story… my hope is that at a deeper level that was apparent… but it isn’t vital to the story… it is only vital to me and my enjoyment of the story… that is a little insight on how these stories shift through my brain to the “page”… hope all is well…
Game 2… We are playing The Ungame once again… Let’s get right into this…
Question 1… If You Could Hang A Motto Or Saying In Every Home In The World, What Would It Be?
These are some long ass questions… maybe it is my fear of speaking in front of people… but if I was playing this game with actual people… I’d have quit on turn 1… This one is easy and hard for me… easy because it comes from the same source and the same song… hard because I don’t know which line I would choose… I can’t even decided which line to tattoo on my body… The two lines tearing me apart are… “Not all martyrs reach divinity but at least you tried,” and “Get off your fucking cross.” Both lines are from the Tool song Eulogy… I have them written on nearly everything… I have “Get off your fucking cross,” written on my keyboard… it helps me write… motivates me… brings me back to reality… reminds me that I’m not fucking special… I’m just me…
and right below where I rest my keyboard I have a piece of tape with the words… “But at least you tried”… Which is actually something I put down during my dark times last year… when I was feeling sorry for myself… feeling like a failure at everything… that line really stuck with me through those dark days… that line helped save me among other things… that line gave me a lot of strength to believe in myself… I will fail… I’m going to fail… I am failing… but at least I fucking tried… what else could I have really wanted out of this day, but a chance?…
Question 2… What Do You Like Most About Yourself?
That I don’t like myself… it allows me to be very critical of myself… allows me to tear myself apart… and not feel bad about it?… I’d say I’m pretty normal in that I don’t like myself… at all really… don’t like my name… don’t like how I think… don’t like what I waste my time doing… if I could tear off my own flesh and slap on a fresh one… I don’t know that I wouldn’t… but at the same time you have to make the best of what you got… so that’s that… if I had to pick a body part though… I’d have to say I have some pretty amazing legs… no one is ever going to see…
I was watching this reality show or documentary when I was younger… what’s the difference anymore?… and there was this guy who was going to get calf implants… because he felt like his legs weren’t the way that they need to be… drama… drama… drama… big reveal… his legs looked basically like mine… except fake… that made me feel pretty good… was still a hundred pounds over weight and ugly… but I had legs someone was willing to pay to get… look for the positive in everything I guess…
Question 3… If You Could Have Been Someone In History, Who Would You Have Been?
You’re look at it… I am history in the flesh… haha… I’m confused by this question actually… am I supposed to pick a person I could have been or am I supposed to pick someone I would have wanted to be?… If I am supposed to pick someone I could have been… then that is stupid… because there is a reason they are part of history… there was something about this person that made them unlike anyone else at the time… in few cases something made them unlike anyone else ever… does that sound crazy?… am I avoiding the question?… is saying Jesus… hitting the nail on the head a little too hard?… : )
Let’s get off that fucking cross for a moment and assume they want me to pick someone in history I would have wanted to have been… how does one make a choice on who they would be… money?… power?… courage?… selflessness?… That is such a hard question to answer… I think I would want to be someone who made a difference in everyone’s lives for the positive… Someone like Martin Luther King Jr… Susan B. Anthony… someone who fought for civil rights… for everyone not just themselves… I think being selfless… is so admiral… should be celebrated more… because we as humans are very selfish… so to be so selfless… to give so much… to care about more than just me… goes against our very nature… I would want to be someone like that… to get in their head and see how they think… see how they see the world… feel how they see the world… even for a day…for a moment… would really be interesting to me…
Question 4… If You Could Change Your Age, What Age Would You Rather Be?
I’m shuffling this cards better next time… way too much reflection for someone who doesn’t even like to look into a mirror… depends… would I just be younger now or would I have to be my younger self?… younger now with all my thoughts and feelings would be ideal for me… though I think my wife and daughter would find it creepy… going back and starting at a different age that I was before would be so shitty… more so if I knew what was already going to happen… through out all the negative shit that happened to me… that I have been through in this life… could you fucking imagine the torment of knowing you had to wait even a year for the internet to become a thing?… holy fucking shit… I’d rip my god damn hair out…
I mean I’d have to actually watch a movie?… and not search Wikipedia to read ahead… I’d have to actually watch a film without knowing the trivia from IMDB?… I could only talk to someone I could find in a phone book and even then I’d have to call 15 Smiths before I got the right one?… Shit I’d have to actually leave my house to do anything?… Anyone born in the last ten years and beyond needs to change how they greet us old timers… “Thank you for your sacrifice”… should be the first words out of their mouths every time they see us… and you are very welcome… (seriously though… how are any of us still alive?)
Question 5… How Would You Describe Peace?
Peace would be… an operating table with an endless supply of bodies… instruments… and time… : )
“So here we are once again. You with the gun and me with the
hostage. Who do you think is going to win this time? Me or you?” The
madman with the barrel pressed against the victim’s head ponders out loud.
“Things may seem like you’ve got the upper hand, but I’ve got something
you don’t,” the half-naked, half blown up, and one hundred percent out of
patience hero says. “Oh and what’s that?” The villain pulls the
hammer back on the gun. “A chance.”
“Can you shut that shit off already?” She moans. “How can
you even watch this crap?” She asks letting me know she isn’t going to
stop without an answer. “Why do you do that? Why do you have to interrupt
all of the best parts?” I ask. The sound of me hitting the space bar fills
the room. “The best parts? What could have possibly been the best part of
a movie that failed to get one star?” She badgers. “I don’t know
maybe when he pulls a gun out of nowhere and shots him off the building like in
Harder To Die, Than To Live,” I answer. “Wait so you’re telling me
the best part of a film is a copycat scene from a film you’ve already
seen?” She mocks me. “Well madam it’s not a complete copy since that
would be illegal. It will be different to a point though overall the same scene
in a sense. Plus this one didn’t go to theaters and is unrated. Which basically
means there will be more blood and the fact that the hostage is a woman means
there is a good chance of a topless scene. All of this could add up to a better
or worse ending than the “same scene” in another movie,” I
explain. “You’ve got to be kidding me right?” She looks more annoyed
than confused. “I didn’t invent the male brain. I was just born with
one,” I smile.
She sighs in disgust. “What would you rather watch another movie
about two people falling in love after overcoming some stupid obstacle?” I
ask her. “Of course at least they are original,” she says.
“Original? Right let’s see the last one we watched was about some couple
who fell in love, but then the lady had a dog which just so happens the man is
afraid of so, they spend the next hour getting over that. The one before that
was about two people too afraid to leave their house though they fall in love
over the internet so, they spend the next hour and half getting over that. An
hour and a half wondering if they will ever be able to be together through this
dire situation that is somehow too impossible to get over. How are either one
of those movies not the same?” I question. “That last one won an
Oscar by the way so, what do you know?” She says defensively. “How
can a movie about nothing get any sort of reward?” I mock. “It got
six, but that is beside the point,” she tries to play off. “Nothing
happens for almost two hours,” I won’t let the point die. “You try
making the hottest actress in Hollywood look ugly and then you tell me you
didn’t take a chance,” she rolls her eyes as though I am the ignorant one
in this situation. “They put a bump on her nose and she was still hot.
They could have lit her head on fire and put her in a full body cast, and she
still be hot. Changing one thing about someone is not taking a chance,” I
protest. “Neither is watching a movie because there might be a topless
scene or more blood,” she protests back. The screen goes black.
“How can you watch this shit?” An angel with giant white wings asks. “What are you talking about? There is so much passion over nothing. How could I the Lord not watch?” A figure of immense light and a voice that could crack the sky asks right back. “I don’t know maybe because there are about seven billion and growing other issues you could address. I mean it is all the same thing. Over and over about nothing at all. Couldn’t there be anything else you could do today? I just don’t get it,” the angel tries to reason. “What’s the point of being a God if you can’t enjoy your own creations?” The question hangs in the air.
Pretty basic and short story… I’m sure when I wrote it the first time I had so much more to say about this story… finding it years later… I decided to put a little twist on it… a twist of an idea that I think about a lot… I’m sure we all do… if someone was watching us?… Why?… this story to me was more of a way to present the question to others… rather than answer it myself… nothing flashy just a thought in my head…
A life lived is a life lost The loneliness doesn’t start willingly But it only grows over time Unrequested but here we are Making the best of the only situation Slowly dying, no time to fight the need Keep going for it is the only way to be Please tell me one more time How to fucking feel in my head Please tell me one more time How normal I’ve always been
That would be really embarrassing… Getting your ass kicked by someone taking a shit…
Time after time Think this time the words will stick Changing circumstances has never proven To result in an overall difference Drown me, distort me, take it all away If being me was part of some plan I’m good, rejection of an idea Think this time I may have found the answer Before the question What the fuck am I even doing here? Pleasuring myself from all the pain Smiling, opening wide, taking it all with a laugh Never thought I’d figure it out Took less time then I had Always in a hurry Smashing through the words Is there a deeper meaning? I’m sure As sure as I know it doesn’t matter
Shh… truth is like glass… solid until it cracks…
Waiting in the dark For anything to happen A spark of thought The world to fucking end Up for anything at this point Anything other than this Waiting for the darkness to go away Better luck drowning myself in a river of shit Biblical and subversive Makes no sense but who am I to complain Never meant to be anything more Than who I am
There always seems to be some discussion going on about what is too far… too much… we push limits… that is what we have been designed to do… drawing a line in the sand… comes off only as a new bench mark to what we can do… should we though?… when is too far… too far?…
Then it comes down to what we are capable of… anything we are told… stacking the bodies against the odds… it would appear true… we wanted to fly… so we did… we wanted to touch beyond the sky… so we did… we want to take another planet… and we will… an idea… like a spark… takes more than one… what we are capable of… good or bad… isn’t limited to just one… that’s a scary thought…
No one has ever been successful on their own… yet we strive to separate ourselves from everyone else… to rise ahead of the pack… to become the leader… I know that there is something here to what I am saying… can’t put a finger on it… the power isn’t in the individual but the collective?… one’s success doesn’t represent them but us all?… if this is true… why does it never feel that way?… living life at the bottom has never felt like living a life at all… cog in the machine… a thought buried inside us all… What are we really capable of… if we all come together?… the ants figured it out… nature figured it out… and we can’t figure out what to do with all this progress… maybe too far wasn’t far enough…
A break from reality Spinning out of control Thought you owned me Thought you had me against the wall You were never more wrong A break from normalcy Breaking down from the core Thought you knew me Thought so many things didn’t you You couldn’t be more wrong A break from everything Digging down deep Thought you could be me Thought everything was so easy You have never been so wrong So simple minded So insignificant If you didn’t know you already were
I’ve got a deal for your soul…
With an empty mind and a heart full of cold Walking the earth seems less like a task More like something I have to do Writing down every thought of you With an empty mind and a heart full of gold Capsized in between two rivers Taking another breath seems more like a task Then it should have to Intentions meant to ease my attention Only seem to drown my head in more shit With an empty mind and heart full of cold Breaking away from myself seems less like a task And more like something I have to do Coughing up blood made of passion Once cared now I fear that I don’t Lonely symptom of existence Going through easy days as if I have no choice
Now that we are talking about it… It kind of hurts..
Wasting time for no reason why Thinking of all the things I could say Wasting time looking for a reason Thinking about how I could If only I would Have I told you yet about how tired I am? Can’t stop thinking about all the wasted time Can’t do anything I can’t do anything about Depression, laziness, excuses Wasting time for no reason at all Thinking maybe today or tomorrow Try never because all I do is Waste time looking for a reason To justify why I do what I do
Lately everything feels like it is going to hell… the world… shit around me… but I feel so calm… that none of it feels real… I’m so lost in my own selfishness… that as everything sinks under… burns to the ground… I don’t notice or care… feeling the heat… but what does it matter to me?… growing older?… growing smarter?… learned over time… that the more I try to fix… the worst everything becomes… can’t dodge the flames forever… but until they touch the skin?… what difference does it make?…
Life is a spinning wheel it seems… there is always something… something in the way… something clearing a path… something hurting me… something trying to kill… and it all feel so useless… does it matter if it will come any way?… I wouldn’t stand in front of a moving train and think I can stop this… so why would I fight the fucking wheel?… with the same out come… what am I fighting so hard for?… feel almost as if my human switches has been turned off… the passion… the drive… the anger… the screaming… doesn’t change a god damn thing… so why bother with any of it?…
How I feel… feels like depression… but maybe it is just realization… happenstance of enlightenment… this all comes off as me being an asshole and something so much more than I should be… duality of a situation… spent too much time trying to figure it all out… only to understand there is nothing at all to figure out… finding hope in the scars… looking for truth in a lie… burying myself so I don’t die… all pointless if you ask me…
So if you don’t remember I used to do this for a second… it has been a long ass time since the last one so I’m not going to link it to this one… sorry… not really… haha… the point of these type of posts is to have fun… learn a little bit about me… and you… feel free to answer the questions in the comments if you want… or make fun of mine…
The basic idea is that I answer questions from an old ass game… The Ungame… I found at a Goodwill… well that is it really… so it is clear… I am drawing these cards at random… let’s get going…
Turn 1… What Would You Do If You Had A “Magic Wand”?
Created a magic lamp… rub it… get three wishes… Make Hogwarts a real thing… go back to school with my “Magic Wand”… major in Defense Against the Dark Arts… too easy… Also I love how magic wand is in quotes… as if it was someone else’s idea… “Fine Carol we will add Magic Wand, but I just want to make it clear that this game has nothing to do with Satan. We simply heard of this so called magic wand.”
Turn 2… If You Were Lost In The Woods And It Got Dark, What Would You Do?
Who said I was lost?… The first thing you should ask yourself is how did you end up in these woods to begin with?… Did I drag you here?… Was it through a portal in the game?… Why am I holding this knife?… Have you always look as though you were carved to pieces?… probably best to not go into the woods with me… : )
Turn 3… If You Were A Doctor, What Ailment Would You Like To Cure?
This is a tough one for me… without hesitation I would say depression… that is what I would cure if I could… but… there is always a but… I don’t know if I would… I am torn… full of hesitation… I can think of so many people in my day to day life that I could help… and countless others around the world that could be helped from my answer… but in the same breath… I know of so many things in my life that I love and that I live for that wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for depression… My favorite books… my favorite music… my favorite films… the idea that we could lose so much art… is depressing in itself… then again I have seen depression destroy so many things that I love and live for as well… which is also depressing in itself… sometimes simply wishing something away isn’t so simple…
So if I could cure anything with a worry free answer… I guess I would cure addiction… getting rid of depression would help a lot of people… if we could cure addiction safely and make it stop forever… I think we could save and help everyone… I think it would even help other ailments like depression to a certain extent… it wouldn’t cure it… but even just a little bit of help goes a long way… I know it could help me a lot… though I wonder if more people would try certain things because they know that they could get “clean” at any point?…
This question is an education on how my brain works… I do this with everything in my life… Should I do the laundry? yes I should… but if I don’t I could do this… I can see how doing the laundry and not doing the laundry could help a lot of people…
Turn 4… Are You Remembering To Keep Your Answers Brief? Take another card !
Turn 5… What Bit Of Advice Would You Give A Young Man About To Get Married?
Young man?… I may be too hypersensitive… because of where I live and the period of time we are living… but does this question feel a little sexist?… I guess I will answer this question… though it goes against my moral code…
If I was going to give anyone advice on marriage… I would say to never lose communication… never forget that it is you and this other person against the world… not the world against each other… and the world is always coming… will you always agree?… haha… that would be something wouldn’t it?… doesn’t matter… if you agree on every little thing… what matters is that the other person knows you have their back no matter what… good or bad… that is the hard part… because it is so easy to say anything with nothing going on… but when the shit hits the fan… when one of you or both of you fucks up… because you will… we are all human… are you, can you stand up with them no matter what?…
I think marriage is an institution… it means something different to the people involved… as it should… because it is about the two of you not everyone else… to me marriage isn’t important… and it is… I didn’t need to marry my wife… if we weren’t married… I’d feel the same way about her… which is why I got married?… or married to her… I don’t know… what I do know is I found the person I wanted to take the world on with… the person I love no matter what… nothing is perfect or easy… life happens… shit happens… but through it all… that feeling… that idea… has never changed… so my advice is that if you aren’t willing to stand next to this person as they burn at the stake… shielding them from the flames… then you aren’t willing to stand next to them ever… (yes… advice to means a long rant… best not to ask advice from me unless you got time…)
Turn 6… Give One Word To Describe Each Person In The Group.