Circling the Circles that Encircle Me

Terraria Is Not A Word

What the fuck is going on up there
So sick of everyone around
Catching time in a box to sell later on
How many foxes truly like to wear socks
So full of lies no idea why
Santa Claus can go fuck off
Coal is worth too much to just be handing out
Everything is worth something even if it is nothing at all
Even if it can grow on trees how much is it worth to me
Thought it didn’t make sense but then I thought about it
It does, words work themselves out
Draining out of each and every pore
Poor girl didn’t know, all the thoughts would lead to more
Imprisoned long before the terms became clear
Everything so unclear, a future without any past
Shirts off, shooting guns while the fire burns on
Rages within, rages all around, it’s all the rage these days
Sticks and stones who would have known
Words hurt so much more

 

Should Explain

It’s petty but it’s the petty shit that kills
Should I explain or keep driving the drill into my brain
No one’s listening while a bear shits in the woods
So all is okay, okay, it’s all okay
Maybe someone should explain what it means to be alive
Shitting my pants don’t need a reason why
So all mixed up, mixed up, it’s all mixed up
Give it enough time, let it sink in
Seeking the truth from liars never made much sense
The lie began around the same time as time
First clock must have seemed so useless
It’s too bad it caught on
Wasting something we choose to define
So all is okay, okay, it’s all okay
Maybe someone, anyone, no one special should explain
What it means to live when all the reasons disappear
When there’s nothing here to make any of this matter
Watching life slip away
Watching the world kill itself
What’s the reason again
Why does any of this have to make any sense anyway
Should explain, should someone explain
Should someone justify something that can’t be defined

 

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Theme today is madness… and how we all go through it from time to time… sometimes it can be a nice place to visit… never stay anywhere too long though… 

Still haven’t been up to much… only living my boring life… dragging my ass across the hot coals that is my life right now… I hate summer so much… the sun brings life and all the great things that we have… but fuck the sun… we need to find a way to fix the atmosphere… you know easy shit… so I can have one less thing to complain about… it is a long list and I could use all the help I can get… 

Well I’ve said more than I wanted to say already… so see you Wednesday… 

TheardlessAmazon… or hug a family member… only if they want it… no forced hugs… it is awkward… 

A Running Theme… Stampeded Soul…

On My Mind

Well the revolution it happened so fast
It is as though it didn’t happen at all
Left behind to try and figure out the fragments
Shattered reality, pieces that society left behind
Where do we go from here
Should give up and never start again
My thoughts bleed together to the point
It is as though they never existed at all
All of this in my mind or
Am I missing my mind in all of this
Chewing on the pieces
Where do we go from here
Should give up and never start again
Everything falls apart so fast
It is as though it wasn’t together at all
Shattered throughout time, missing pieces
Left rooted in the gums
Blood dripping down my chin
Shoveling, swallowing all the broken pieces
Where do we go from here
Should have given up and never started again
Always on my mind, mind is always on

 

They Are

Pitfalls and traps are everywhere I stand
How am I to know which will kill
and which will set me free?
No one is who they say they are
Only who they think they are
Broken and scarred
So fake it makes me sick
A bass line dripping with disdain
A mind full of distortion
I detest everything but somehow
Wake up every morning anyways
My mouth tastes like shit
Getting sick from everything said around me
How am I to know who will kill
and who will set me free?
No one is what they say they are
Only what they think they are
Perfect and beautiful
So confusing it makes me dizzy
A bass drum saturated in disgust
A mind full of dissolution
I discuss everything but somehow
End up sleepless every night anyways
My eyes are full of shit
Getting sick from everyone around me

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A lot to unpack here this week… not really… was only painting a picture of a dystopian existence… the one that exists between my mind and the reality that I walk through every day… I started watching Fargo recently… the television show… not the movie… the movie is lovely… if you haven’t seen it… you should… also the Big Lebowski is a wonderful movie that you should all see or have seen… where was I going with this?… oh… I started watching the first season of Fargo… by that I mean the first episode… pretty good so far… really had nowhere to go with this…

Still reading comics… still listening to an obscene amount of music… just doing the normal stuff I suppose… can’t complain… and I hope you all are feeling the same or better… have a great weekend… see you Sunday for a special project… Hope all is well… 

Ambrose…. (WordPress wants to auto correct my name to Ambrosia… I’m feeling a change coming along…  probably not though… I’m not cool enough to pull a name like that off…) 

ThreadlessAmazon…. 

Corruption and It Grows

Would Like to Say

Smell of ashes in the air
Worlds on fire
No one, not me, not you, no one at all
Cares
How long has this been coming
How long have we been waiting
Revolution not measured in inches
But miles
Decades fall to the wayside
Time lost while others survived
Blink and you’d miss it
Young, the youth know nothing of sacrifice
Though they will after they’ve died
A joke, a crime, criminal
That our own people starve
While our concerns are sent abroad
A joke, a crime, criminal
That we spend more on blowing shit up
Then to take care of those at home
We come in peace to pick up the pieces
We’ve come to sell you freedom
One broken promise at a time

 

God Complex

Going to ride this all out, going to go on vacation after the great fall
Disturbing disturbance your please have become
If I knew the answers wouldn’t share them at all
Like to watch you suffer, Like it all too much
Genetically genetic your mistakes have become
If I could kill the lot of you, I’d have killed you all
Going down to the promise land, going to go there after all
Misguiding misguided your pride has become
If I knew this, Don’t know what I would have done

 

Didn’t Know

The world chases me to the ground
Hammers each thought out
Like a shield of armor meant to protect
Don’t know where to go from here
Gun is staring me down
Each chamber filled with something different
In case I miss, change my mind
Feel so close but no idea who you are
Sharing thoughts, I’ve came so I’m done
How about you, desperate for more
Desperate is the word of the day for all we know
Don’t know where to go from here
The insects pick at our bodies too lazy
To send them on their way
Too busy to give a fuck about something so small
A corpse with a beating heart
How much longer, forever for all we know
How much time, until we decide on the perfect ending
How could we, because we can

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Broken Thoughts

Inventory of Thoughts

Fading in and out
A song on skip and repeat
A rhythm I can’t get out of my head
It haunts rather than drives me
Where will I go from here
Where were we headed before this
A sick sad feeling I couldn’t resist
Pieced together with broken thoughts
Taking notes on nothing at all
Inventory of thoughts that don’t matter anymore
We sit and stand only to sit again
As though we had anywhere to be at all
Given in and letting go seems so hard
Understanding must be for the weak
Tomorrow though will be a time to reflect
On all the things we hate, we hate it all conveniently
World keeps burning along with these feelings
A dark cloud hangs over the sky
A misting of piss and shit fills the air
Beating down upon me
As if yes
This is nothing more than nothing

 

Why didn’t you just drag me threw glass
Replace my teeth with broken pieces off the floor
You knew it it would be like this
So you left me to suffer, Fuck you
I get it, but Fuck you
Why didn’t you just smash in every bone
Replace them with pins unable to move
You knew it would be like this
So you lead me on that it would be okay
Fuck you, I get it, but Fuck you all the same
Why didn’t you just throw me off a cliff
Replace my skin with jagged rocks on the way down
You knew it would be like this
Could have at least done me the favor
From the beginning of this life, Fuck you
I get it but fucking really
If I haven’t said it before
Thanks Mom

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Some deep cuts today… Yes… I am aware… that I missed Monday’s post… I have no excuse… I wish I did… just completely forgot to even get on the computer… Been working on a short story… and by that I mean I’ve written two lines in the last week… so I have been kind of avoiding the computer… working a lot… just not at what I want to be working at… it is a soul crushing feeling… but some times these things have to be done… I’m sure a lot of you have been where I am now… and know that it is only a passing moment… do what has to be done and get out… spend too long and it becomes the norm… I don’t plan on staying for to long… taking care of what need to be taken care off… and I’m out… 

But that means that I won’t be posting as much… well not as much as before… more or less when I can… or when I remember… Hope all is well…

Ambrose… 

Broken Thoughts

Beaten up and broken boned
I’ve become the whore that none of us knows

How many times does it take until it hurts
Leaving is a luxury we don’t all have
In the end, we all leave somehow
Breaking the silence of your crimes
A sign of the times, here and now
Destroyed, life still must go on
Even when everything feels dead and gone
Must keep leaving myself behind
Piece by piece, little by little
Become the monster that we all love and adore

List to get what I want

  1. Self-sacrifice
  2. Destroy all contact
  3. Become self-aware asshole
  4. Isolate myself from myself
  5. Have talent
  6. Become co-dependent on substance

 

It’s desperate times, but your desperate measures
Are not working out
It’s a desperate time full of all things to come
Bringing down all those around you
Desperation seems to be the word of the day
How I feel and all I have to say
Can’t say I don’t enjoy this at least a little bit
Down to my level, drowning in shit
As if we cared about anything other than ourselves
Selfish ideas manifest beyond selfishness
I once cared now I’m not sure anymore
My notes on the incident guide me through the darkness
Big bang it was once called, a theory
No one knows anything that happens to us
If we mattered don’t you think that there would be answers
The good book, made up of stories to explain the time
God is nothing more than the voice in your head
God is not what you think it is
God is, God is the reason we must go on

“When the rich got carpet bombed that’s when you knew shit was never going to be the same,” Francis Eviter… Fuck Off and Go Away… page 34…

(Good luck enjoying this.. without the beat in my head..)
Tell you once again but it doesn’t matter does it

The way it is, how it’s going to be
Fuck me, so tired, so sick of all this shit
I’m sure you didn’t hear me but what I said was
Nothing that matters anymore
Taking everything, taking responsibility for shit I didn’t do
Nothing new, all the same to you
Nothing new, never going to change
Move on to different topics
Only had something to say despite the words
Despite everything, things keep going don’t they
You loud mouth, useless, fuck
Tattoo the words to your face
Could you, would you, understand them this time
Nothing that matters anymore
Mumbling words into your maggot filled corpse
The way it is, how it should have always been

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What the fuck am I trying to say anymore?… my mind is stuck in this weird place… stuck staring at lines… saying fuck it and moving on… my head is in this place… a place between… doing something… and doing nothing at all… throwing shit against the wall… just because I hate it all… who the fuck do I think I am?… worthless at the moment… a thousand fucking degrees… sweating out the thoughts that no one cares about at all… my head hurts and I don’t care… slamming it into the desk… seems to be the only thing I can do anymore… 

Having a great day… see you all on Wednesday for round 3 of the Ungame… 

 

ThreadlessAmazon…  the sales won’t make me happy… but it pays for the medication… duality of being fucking crazy… 

 

 

Sympathetic to Your Needs

“Am I being recorded?”
“I hope you don’t mind. It is for journalistic purposes. Try to not let it affect you or your responses. Best to think of it not being there.”
“Okay.”
“So you wanted to tell me something about where you work and how it pertains to my story?”
“You won’t publish my name right?”

“Click,” I insert another tape.

“From my perspective, I don’t see why racism in America is even happening. I mean at what point do we move past it and grow as people?”
“I’m not too sure. That is why I am working on this piece. I want to find out what real Americans think about racism.”
“How many real Americans have you interviewed so far?”
“Quite a few. All walks of life, but I want to hear your side of the issue.”

“Click,” I insert another tape.

“I have been doing this a number of years.”
“Seems like it can be difficult talking to people. I’m not sure I could do such a thing.”
“It can be at times. The hardest part is staying objective to the subject at hand. Often find that there is way too much excessive talking. It becomes a distraction.”
“What is that?”
“Oh, this? This is nothing.”

“Click,” I insert another tape.

“Are you even a real reporter?”
“Of course I am.”
The sound of weeping. “Why are you doing this?”

“Click,” I insert another tape.

“You shot her in the fucking face. You sick fuck.”
The sound of rustling. “Just wait and see what I do to you.”
The sound of choking, sounds of a struggle. A faint whisper,” Please… help…”

“Click,” I eject the tape. “How many are there?” I ask. “How many what? Tapes or victims?” My partner asks. “Either,” I say as I put my cigarette out. I leave it resting in the ashes. Burying it with the others. “Hundreds of tapes, but we are still unsure of the number of victims. Been doing this for years. Some of the tapes are legitimate interviews as you heard. Others are as close to being there as you can get. I mean let your imagination run wild.” He stares at me as I light another one. I offer him one from the pack and he declines. “It makes you wonder why? Even after all these years on the force. Still left with the same question,” I reach for another tape. “The answer isn’t there or in any of these tapes,” my partner assures me. “No, but there are facts and facts leads to answers.”

“Do you think that this will make me famous?”
“It has been my experience that anything can bring you attention. But not all attention is good attention. To answer your question though. In this case, it might.” The sound of a power drill coming to life and screams washes over the recording.

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Wanted to try something new… A story that could only be done on the website… and about as close to a script that I want to get… It is hard to not write every action each voice or character is doing… My hat goes off to those of you who write scripts… I have no idea how you do it… drives me crazy… lack of control?… what does that say about me?… haha… 

Still selling bits of my soul over at Threadless and Amazon… Don’t worry… I’m as cheap as I can get… 

A Lie Preview

And I’m Back Again

The woman plops down every sex toy we have in the store, which isn’t much but she has managed to find every single one we offer. She’s found every single lubricant, every vibrating touch, she even brought up every men’s vibrating razor, and every battery to back them up. There is now a large pile of cherry, pineapple, warming, and her pleasure lubricants I now have to sort through piled up next to my register. I can’t lie and say that this doesn’t happen often because it does, but this has to be the largest assortment I have ever had to ring up. The woman gives me a look that says I don’t give a fuck. “What are you doing after work,” she asks? “Busy,” is all I can muster to her question. She’s not bad looking even for her age, but I have no interest in women right now. I already have too many problems to deal with in my life. “That’s too bad,” she sighs. “We could have had a good time,” she says. I nod my head to show her that I am listening. She isn’t even bothered that I turned her down. I know I am no catch or even that attractive, but it stings slightly in my cold dead heart that she doesn’t even care that I want nothing to do with her. “I’m dying,” she says out of nowhere as if this is something strangers say to each other every day. I start to bag up her purchases. “I have this fucked up cancer. Doctors say a couple of months and I’m dead. So, I decided what the hell I’m going to go on a trip. I’m going to go all around the United States and I’m going to have sex with anyone that has the slightest interest in me.” I have to admit that her desperation is turning me on a little bit, but I just nod my head again as if this is an acceptable response to what she has told me. “Figure I wasted most of my life being the conservative type and in the end, I’ll only die alone. So, who cares about what there is on the other side waiting for me if I already wasted this life so far,” tears start to form in her eyes. Truth be told I have no idea what to say to this lady. Inside I am dying, but inside she is truly dying. She hands me the money as we stand in silence. “You might want to get some condoms,” I finally say. She laughs as I hand her the change and tears fall from her cheeks. She takes the bags of supplies and begins to walk out of the store. I tell her good luck as she leaves.

My night went from bad to worse and most of it was all my fault. Have I rationalized suicide as an easy way out or am I really as fucked up as I think? I am confused about what I want and how things should be. A sheltered life has left me wondering if there’s something more or am I really living all there is to live. My lifelong depression kicks in and despite all my self-medicating I sulk the rest of the night wondering what or where it is that I went wrong. As if life is based on actual roads and at some point I just took a wrong turn, and all I need to do is turn around. I’m back here again, but what if I never left this place, to begin with? What if I never took a wrong turn I only got stuck in the mud? I still have time. I could still get out and make the right choice or even the wrong one but at least I wouldn’t be here. Where I am right now. I hate when I get like this. It’s like my mind gets so murky and sludge like that my thoughts make no sense to me, but yet I can’t shut them off. Even with the drugs, it’s like my thoughts are stuck in my head. I start to regret everything I have ever done or thought or felt and realize that no amount of regret can undo anything in a lifetime. Life is nothing more than an unfair existence and a waste of time. I could kill myself right now but what would be the point? What would I really be saying if I did it now right here stuck in the middle of nothing? All I would be saying is that I am weak, that I am pointless, and I don’t believe that I am any of these things at all. I may not be a good person by definition but I am not a bad person either. I’ve spent too much of my life on the line and just like that lady I fear that one day there will be nothing that actually defines me. Other than words like waste, pointless, and regret. Too many thoughts in my head.

 

Yes… she is a reference to the same woman in Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk… I’m not ashamed that I took something from someone I admire… we all take something from someone… if you haven’t read Fight Club… please do… though Survivor is a much better book… the kind of book I wish I could write but Chuck already did it… asshole… 

We’ve got shirts available over at Threadless… books written by an asshole over on Amazon… but I’m sure you are all linked out by now… haha… 

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