Broken Thoughts- A Perpetrator With a Quill…

Breaking down in front of the lord
Gave you all my sin
Gave me all that you adore
Burning to stay alive
Could all of this have been a sign?
A lesson never learned over time
Up in flames
So dead inside
A walking belief
A walking reason to die
The scars only tell a story
A silent one that makes no sense
Words written in lies
If there is a God
He has nothing left but lies

 

I’m so gone, left wondering why
I do this to myself
So obsessed with a reason to die
Smile this is all I had
Talk about one thing
Never how I feel
Let all of this slip through the cracks
Shattered dreams, bloody fingers
Another reason why
So much of this actually makes sense

 

There is a darkness in my heart
How I feel
Kill myself what does it all mean?
Destroyed, who I am, a darkness
I was never meant to understand
A guilt that doesn’t mean anything
Ask me, I’ll do it
Not a dare, how I feel
Lost, longing for answers no more

 

Look for you in hell
My hands around your throat
Your head submersed in the lake of fire
Found you once, know I can do it again
Not so special after all

 

Love you more than I’ve ever loved me
Saying the same old thing
Clean up the wounds, wash away the pain
Still me, still the same old thing
It kills me to say, it tears me apart
Unapologetically that I will change
The devil you’ve always known
The one you’ve always loved
Killing me will only make me stronger

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Hope all is well… doing good on this end… I’m sure no one will believe me after reading that post… but that’s okay… sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction… Smile… it is today… : )

 

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Broken Thoughts… Postcard From My Heart…

There is a hole in my soul
I lie and say it doesn’t hurt
Broken and I think everybody knows
A child with so many things to say
An adult with nothing left
All that matters doesn’t seem to anymore
The feelings once there have come and gone
A pretense so intense that it hurts
Walking away seems to be all that I have left
Though I know I still have things left to say

 

A Darkness Love Could Never Hide

Literally burning time
Watching it burn slowly
In my hand
Your life
Smell so innocent
Taste of dirt and ash
Holding a place in my heart
A grave with no name
The bones never seem to
Break away when you want
Them to
The souls always with me
Speaking in tongues made of sin
Give me more, feed me, feed this eternal lust
The hate was never the point
It is the feeling of your lungs running out of air
Succumbing to a need
Deep inside me grows a danger
Lack of control has led me to this
Watching your body burn with the rest of them
In the shallow grave, the altar I’ve built for you

 

Spitting blood
Did you care before you thought
I was going to die?
My mouth is dirty
Vulgar as fuck
Postcard from my heart

 

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Not a whole lot to say… which is odd to even me… even crazier is that I’m in a great mood… maybe that’s scary?… haha… believe me when I say I am fine… a little dark… but that is just me… smiling all the way to asylum… enjoy your day… I’m going outside to enjoy the sunshine… just kidding… I’m not that crazy… : )

 

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Broken Thoughts… First Rehearsal…

Lips are cracked and bleeding
Purging the obvious
Drinking to wish this all away
Empty alley, a new home
Staring down death with nothing left
Had a name, gave it up to be this
Worth it for a worthless choice
Circumstances of my personal consumption
Forgive me for calling so late
Aware time always meant something to you
A purpose, a place, some where to be

Timing is everything
The reason behind right and wrong
Justification for what we believe
Too early, too late, it all fucks up just the same

 

Good luck suffering in place. Save a space for me.

 

Last week I was in New York and this week I’m in Seattle. What’s the point of fucking phones if we have to meet face to face? Come see the freak in a mask made of glass. A fragile ego they all want to shatter. Break me open and see what’s left inside. Haven’t I given you enough? Another rewrite another pass. What the fuck do I pay these people for? “The covers no good too violent, too obscene. Got any ideas?” Yeah, you just shit all over them. “The shirts are too much. We are trying to sell an image. Convey an idea of loneliness not sadness.” I was unaware they were two separate things. Pulling my teeth to make me money they say. What a stupid fucking saying. Driving a nail into my brain and they wonder why I’m so pissed off all the time. 

 

A long walk to nowhere at all

 

Thinking things over
Going on from here will be
More difficult this time
A radiant emotion trapped inside
Happiness is a fleeting emotion
Thinking of all the things
Still left to do
The words become a list
Of where I’ve been and where I need to go
Wasn’t prepared for this
Always failing, the success is fleeting
Wanted it always, now that I’m here
Even more lost than before

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I wanted to make a new logo for this week… it didn’t happen… started messing with all the tools… the settings… four hours later… I just said fuck it… next time… so maybe next time…

As soon as I stop being lazy… not any time soon… I want to start working on my short story book again… and I have an idea for another book… going to start working towards that soon… that’s my overall goal for the rest of the year… I need to start trying to submit some stuff to literary magazines and agents again… because life doesn’t seem so shitty as of late… and there is no better way to take that feeling away… : )

It’s like hitting rock bottom… only you could be so lucky to hit it every day… that sounds a little extreme… hitting rock bottom is some pretty serious shit… it is more like… you know that person you “love” but you are too afraid to tell them?… it’s like that… except you do it to multiple people and they don’t have the nerve to even tell you no… they don’t even have the nerve to tell you why… they just send you an email that says… thanks for bringing me your thoughts and feelings… maybe next time… now that I think about it though… I’ve never asked out multiple people out at the same time before… so I have no idea how that would feel…

Come to think about it… I’m not sure I’ve ever ask anyone out to their face… is that normal?… I don’t know… feels weird… where was I?… basically it feels like shit to get rejected… but it feels even worse… going through life without at least trying… 

 

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Broken Thoughts…Now A Word From Our Sponsors…

Have you ever wanted to fly?… Needed super strength to lift a car off a cockroach?… How about run a mile in less than a second while being chased by some sort of super natural being that only exists in your head?*… Well we here at Chewing On Glass have an exciting product for just you and all your super human needs… and we are happy to announce that it can only be found here… if you are one of the first 100 people to order… We will personally double your order… That’s right you heard it here… Two for one.. But only if you are one of the lucky first 100**… Do you have what it takes to go to the next level?…

But first… sick and twisted messages from my mind***… Find out more about this exciting offer at the bottom of the page… Grip it and rip it as we always say****

*Warning. There is no product on earth that can make you do any of these things. The Author is selling nothing but lies. 
** There is no special deal. The author is beyond broke and could not support these claims even if he really, really wanted to. So don’t be fooled by his stupidity. Also don’t brag about how much smarter you are than him. Dick move. 
*** We are unsure if he even has a brain. Let alone a mind. We check for a pulse but to be honest we don’t care that much either. As along as the content comes in. We don’t have to shock him with the cattle prod again. 
**** We’ve never said this.

—————————————————————————————————————————————–

Five hours of sleep in two days
Sure I still feel sane

It’s the sleep that would drive me insane
A broken down soul with everything still left to say
Think of the words only for them to go away
Laughing at all the ways this is killing me
One day we will all receive our day of reckoning
A day many of us hope and pray
A peace we’ve been searching for
A goal all the same
Six days later it’s the same beat driving me insane
A thoughtless sound repeated over and over
Eating away at my brain
The music moved me once
Now only a soundtrack to my broken thoughts
Zero words in my head with everything left
To say

 

You couldn’t be a bigger asshole even if you were doing thirty in the passing lane… : )

 

I’ve been living on borrowed time
Didn’t know it until it was true
Death couldn’t come swifter
I’ve known all along
Lied to everyone I knew
Told them I was fine
Dying inside is a solitary burden
Locked in my head with nothing left
Did what I could and this is all that it was
A lifetime spent wondering why
A life wasted on borrowed time

 

Your consumerism is not your freedom

 

Showed up early once again
At this point hard to dispute
That I don’t like it
A death, a life I hold in my hand
Giving anything to not be here
Giving nothing to leave
A contradiction I live every day
Showing up early only feels like a sign
To a lie I don’t want to believe
Broken and no one can help me
Break down waiting to happen
Severed and whole
What is more
I do not know

 

It’s a lot easier to kneel than it is to fall…

 

Walking a straight line
Until my feet crack and bleed
Not enough distance between us
Not enough room on earth
To complement all this hurt

 

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Where does the mind go?… if it goes no where at all?… a crossroads of thoughts… feelings… the mind is a very terrible thing to taste… even more to waste… here I sit over dosing on all the pain… I want an escape… but escaping me is going to be much harder to sustain… smiling all the same… my mind a death trap inside a broken body… I hate… I love… I am only me… live one way… believe another… turns out I’m only human… until I found this amazing product… now I’m just an asshole with an over sized smile… Click the links to learn more*…  Tis the season to sell your soul… spread the word… 

*Nothing in these links will do anything for you. Maybe make you smile but really it is only one demented asshole trying to raise funds to keep all of this going. Support the arts this holiday season. Even if it isn’t this asshole. A review, a like, a comment goes a long ways. It seems small, but every little bit helps. We are all trying to do our thing and we all appreciate you every day. Have a happy Holiday season. Whatever you believe, whatever you celebrate. Enjoy it. Tis the season to enjoy. One world and we are all here for each other. : ) (This has been Layne the whole time… I’m crazy… haha… hugs and kisses from the underground…)

 

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Broken Thoughts… Every Where I Go…

Spitting blood, where is it that it comes from
Dying to figure out love
Missed the sun rise one last time
How is it that I’m not dead?
Spending time, where is it that I’ve gone
Fighting to understand pain
Lost track of the absent days
How is it that I’m even alive?

 

People are often hurtful before they say what they mean

 

Dragging myself through hell once again
Your unholy eyes staring me down
How long can we play this game
How long can we live in sin
Testing the limits every day
Your serrated grin made of lies and deceit
No one ever said this was it
But we both know this is all there will ever be

 

I love you but some days I just want to hold your head under water and pray for more rain.

 

Taking the long way home
Stuck between doing it and not
Ripping out my eyes
Tearing out my heart
Drink the blood to understand why
A shit taste of everything I’ve hidden
Fuck it
Destroy it
Who the fuck cares anymore
Pulling out my hair
Renting out my soul
Eat what’s left of me
A shit taste and a mouth full of lies
Take my hand and I’ll lead you to
A place called home

 

“I want to be buried in this jacket so it can keep me warm in hell”… It is a pretty amazing jacket… just saying… 

 

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I don’t have much to say… but I found this when reviewing my notes… 

The amount of fucking walking is ridiculous…

 

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(This wouldn’t center…)

Digging Up The Past… Time To Waste… Vol. 3

Back for another installment of embarrassment… still stuck on the age of seventeen… and moving into to eighteen… Chewing On Glass presents… Time To Waste…

 

The person you are
Nothing means everything you want to say
Nothing (x4)
You are
Nothing means anything I thought I needed to say
Nothing (x4)
I am 
Nothing is what we are
Nothing (x4)
My everything

This was yet another “song” I had in my head… Nine Inch Nails inspired… 

 

I am, everything
I am, everything you
Want me to be
I am
Everything you needed me to be
I am 
What you fucking’ think of me

 

What Do You See

You convey
Every little mother fucking thing
You show me
What it is you fucking think of me

You fucking do this to me
You fucking show me who I used to be
You fucking do this to me
You fucking everything I used to be

Why won’t you let me be
Every little mother fucking thing
Why won’t you let me go
What is it that you think of me

Chorus
(Everything, Everything) x2
I am everything you (Scream)
Need me to be
I am what you put inside of me

Okay so they aren’t complex songs… I have always liked punk for the same reason… It is… was… all about emotion… getting that thought or feeling out… this is how I feel deal with it… With that said… I’m still really into the chorus… I like the idea that the back up singer starts a chant… and then the singer answers back… obviously Nine Inch Nails and the Misfits… never really did that… If I had to guess that would be the Blink-182 influence I snuck in there… Which by this time… when I wrote this… I was too cool for such a band… Don’t be a sell out… blah… 

 

Movie Ideas
Zombie Film
Horror Movie
School / Drug Film (Would steal ideas from this for A Lie later in life…)
Cannery Row (Great fucking book…)
Messenger
Future/ War Movie (This would be folded into War of 2012… Never released… I believe…)
Superhero Movie (Naturally…)
Documentary (Because who makes the above movies… then is like nah… I’ll make a doc…)

In high school I was very much into music… it was my life… all I talked about… all I dreamed of… but in my head it didn’t seem obtainable… a dream… at the same time I was really doing well in Video Communications… won some “awards” for different things… they were in school awards… but people were pretty hyped… figured if I didn’t make it in music… I could do movies… overtime… that drifted away… mutated… and became writing…

In truth I’m too controlling to be a director… but not controlling enough to tell other people what to do… I like that about writing… It is all on me… the only explanation that I really need to get my point across is the story itself… I don’t have to explain what is going on in my head with another person… I don’t have to argue why this shot needs to be this way… oh I have an idea about this… etc… I write it and either you like it or… I try again… 

 

Here I sit I write for you
But you’ll never know the truth
Every day I’ll wait for you
But you’ll never see the truth
Here I sit I lie to you
But you’ll never know the truth
Everyday I’ll wait on you
But you’ll never tell the truth

 

Sun

It hurts to open my eyes
The worlds on fire
You have let it burn
My eyes are shut
It takes its course

You’re not born but when
You are you’ll want to die

Its been taken away
Before it was given
You have been left to die

 

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Always a blast… to revisit the past… not really… but sometimes we don’t know where we are going without knowing where we have been… life is a ride… well I’ll let the late great Bill Hicks explain… because honestly… I’ll just butcher it… 

 

 

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Broken Thoughts… Swinging For The Fences…

What the fuck am I even doing
Digging ditches called memories
It’s all pointless so why
Do I feel the need to cry
The reason to breath, fucking seething
Unhappy and I don’t know why
Pointless, but here we go
Another day waking and waiting
Here we go another day
Believing everything will be fine
Here we go one more fucking day
Feeling like this

 

Clapping along to a death song
I’ve known all along

 

Go ahead and smile
Really I don’t care
Stabbing you in the face
Will only be easier
Please, no, be you
Distant memories while I dance on
Your grave

 

Gearing up for the ass fuck of the century
A daily grind one upped every night
(Takes a bow)

 

Your insecurities rub up against me
A broken down thought, in need of a lobotomy
Toxic nervousness that surrounds us all
Thought provoking image drench in tears
Worldliness verbiage that makes no sense
You’ve gone and turned my mind inside out

 

“America’s problem is that we are so afraid of outside forces that we forget we are the outside force”…

 

I don’t have time to fail
A constant push to get myself out of here
Lost dream taken over by regret

 

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I’m still on vacation… for how long?… no idea… but I will be checking in and out through  out the month… hopefully by December… I can get back into some sort of routine… What have you been up to?… How have you been?… Hope all is well… 

Layne Ambrose
11/12/18

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