Broken Thoughts… Just Got To Move On… Best Of Luck…

Driven under, fighting for a breath
I’m drowning and I don’t know what for
A prayer for the sinner
Living in your sin
Useless words laid down on paper
Talking to myself, preaching to the stupid
Driven under, holding myself down
I know the problem and I have no solution
A prayer for the sinner
Living with this sin
I’m killing myself and I don’t know what for
Has it really always been for you?

 

The world is shit
Deal with it

 

Getting lost in the words
Getting lost in the why
Wandering, don’t have to go far
To find reasons to die
Worlds full of them
Reasons to live, they are hard to find
Hope you like a mystery
What is it that I’m thinking about today
A puzzle, getting caught up in all of this
Getting lost in the words
Getting lost in the why
Same place I was before

 

Drinking harder than I’d like to admit
Catching up to the darkness inside
A piece of me I’d love to hide, on display

 

Standing next to a burning dumpster fire
Called it my heart once now it’s only filled with shit
Thoughts of you, me, how it should be
Fucking lies I’ve told myself to get by
And now I’ve told you everything
Everything to make you stay
The ship already set sail
Waving to me from the shore
You smile but I know what it means
Saying good bye was always the hardest part for me

 

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Well that was a depressing post… afraid the next few will be much of the same… I haven’t written much of anything… if at all in the last month… and everything before that… well it was pretty dark… dark as it gets I would say… Maybe I’ll drain my soul… maybe I’ll just hold onto all the hurt… chewing on the glass that has been my pain as of lately… taking it slow because for the first time in a long time… I don’t really know… what it is that I’m trying to say… 

 

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I’ll Tell You What To Do… And You Will Get It Done…

Killing, Dragging, Taking

Slowly dying, the grave inside your heart
You say you don’t want to hurt
But it does
Slowly dying, the voice inside my head
It says it doesn’t want to hurt
But it does
Slowly dying, to the words inside our hearts
Meant something once 
But it turns out they never did
Slowly dying and it is all that I have left
Slowly dying and it is all that we have left
Slowly dying and I don’t know 
Slowly dying and we can’t stop
Slowly dying to feel something that isn’t there

The voice inside my head
Would leave me for dead
The voice inside my head
Screaming the words
Shaking the cages of my home
The voice inside my head
Would leave me for dead
The voice inside my head
Never cared about me
Never cared about anything
The voice inside my head
Has been all I’ve known

Slowly I’m getting there
Slowly I have become more
Slowly I will be something
Slowly I’ve adopted the reasons
Slowly I’m succumbing to
The voice inside my head
Killing me all over again
Dragging me further down
Taking all that it wants

 

Dead, Alive

Compassion for a pointless point
Suicide is a four letter word
Tucked away deep in the mind
Give up, giving in
Still trying to decide the difference
Been dead, dying inside
What’s one more day without an option?

Passion for a pointless reason
Living is a five letter word
Tucked away deep in the mind
Gave up, giving in
Still trying to decide the difference
Alive, dying inside
What’s one more day with an option? 

 

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Really thought the phone thing might work… okay… I didn’t really… but I thought at least I would write something… and I didn’t… haven’t written anything new in the last month… until today… Killing, Dragging, Taking… It isn’t all that great… I would barely call it good enough… but I had to get it out… Had to say something… force myself back into the habit of writing… 

That’s the worst part of stepping away… away from anything really… is getting back into it… no matter how bad you want it… don’t mean shit… until you do it… and yes I feel like shit… feel as though I have been drained… and I fucking love it… so fuck it let’s get this shit started up all over again… : )… Lets burn this mother fucker down… keep swinging my friends… because no one’s Killing, Dragging, or Taking us… anytime soon… 

 

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Been A Minute… Taking It For A Test Drive… Part 1…

(Preface) Forewarning… this might get weird… 

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Movie Review Time…

A couple of post ago… (I should insert the post link here… but I’m not sure which one it was… yeah I’m lazy…) I talked about a few up coming movies I wanted to see… well… fun fact I have seen some of them since then… I’m going to do my best to be civil and not a complete asshole… (I will end up being one of these)… with that said… this is what I know…

  1. I know that everyone who worked on these films gave it their all… every last blood sweat and tear… 
  2. I over explain every thing…
  3. This is all going to be opinion and shouldn’t stop you from seeing either one of these movies if you still want too… 

Actual Movie Review Time…

(Spoilers ahead)

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First up we have Bad Times At The El Royale… and what a fucking bad time it was… I was really looking forward to this movie… and maybe I hyped it up in my head… maybe I saw the cast list and thought… can’t fuck this up… well sadly I was so very wrong…

The movie spends a fuck ton of time building up this world in which it takes place… the real world… 1969 … but a world where all these characters come together at the El Royale… a once swinging place where the rich and famous once came to enjoy the best parts of an excessive life… sex… drugs… and the rat pack… the El Royale has fallen on bad times since then… no longer a place any respectable person should be seen checking out… 

The only redeeming part of this film is the cast and the characters they play… each one is fascinating in their own right… which for one character that we follow through a cringe worthy… suspense riddle… sadly played too well existence… was completely pointless and a giant negative to the over all film… the character that I am speaking of is an F.B.I. agent played by Jon Hamm… unless I blacked out at some point while watching this… (Totally possible… a lot of pacing issues…) I still have no idea why I needed to follow this character for longer than five minutes… or why I should even give a shit that he is sad about not seeing his son… or why he is even there at all… other than to die… yeah you are asked to invest an overall interest in this character and what the hell he is doing for no reason at all… other than he dies… even if you aren’t as soulless as me… pretty sure you’ll feel nothing when it happens too… 

And guess what?… that sums each and every character… all the way through the 141 minute run time… leaving you feeling hollow and confused by the end of this film… not because this film is so deep that you didn’t get something… but because there is nothing to get… that you wasted all this time… for nothing…

Sadly… there was so much that could have been loved in this film… the setting… the characters… the overall idea… it would have made one hell of a short film… or even a novel… could have expanded on a lot of things… things a novel would have given you time to digest… and set up an actual ending… not so much in a visual sense… because I wouldn’t sit through a longer version of this… I could easily see though loving this movie had they cut out some of the back story around theses characters… I might have been left wanting to know more about them… rather than being left wondering why I ever cared about any of them in the first place… or why this man has to look so damn good all the time… 

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Final Grade

A waste of fucking time… watch the trailer… and wonder what could have been…

 

 

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Part 2 hopefully coming tomorrow… where I shit on a whole other movie… look forward to that… If you are into TV series and have access to Netflix… Happy! is worth checking out… much better than the comic… unfair though considering the comic series was only four issues… shows great… you should check it out… 

In other actual exciting news… this is my 300th post… which is pretty crazy… didn’t think I would even get to 10… and here I am… I want to thank every one of you for reading… I know things have been sporadic and weird the last few months… wish I could say that the next few won’t be… but honestly were is the fun in that?… crazy train keeps on rolling… and I thank you none the less… 

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That Last Awkward Clap at the End of An Applause

Hanging Me By The Knees

Too broken to process any new thoughts
Need to move out and build an ark
A sign from God came in
It said a paragraph worth of shit
Basically I fucked this up a long time ago
Riding this one out until the end
Maybe, maybe if I’m lucky
They will only hang me by the knees
Using my head as a pinata full of disease
Question then becomes
Would I even know the difference?
The answer seems so obvious because it is
What anyone would give to not feel like me
What I’d do to not be me doesn’t seem all that bad
Another sign from God came in today
Said quit your bitching and do something already
Obviously I’m paraphrasing

 

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Still bumming around… working on things here and there… spending time with family… working at my other job… boring stuff… up to my neck in a Zelda addiction I didn’t know I had… Breath of the Wild is really good… okay it is great… and yes… I am a year behind all the praise and hype… basically I’m that last awkward clap at the end of an applause… should have been the title of this post… and now it is… 

Hope all is well…

Ambrose

(Click the links for more information… See what I did there?…)

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Broken Thoughts- A Perpetrator With a Quill…

Breaking down in front of the lord
Gave you all my sin
Gave me all that you adore
Burning to stay alive
Could all of this have been a sign?
A lesson never learned over time
Up in flames
So dead inside
A walking belief
A walking reason to die
The scars only tell a story
A silent one that makes no sense
Words written in lies
If there is a God
He has nothing left but lies

 

I’m so gone, left wondering why
I do this to myself
So obsessed with a reason to die
Smile this is all I had
Talk about one thing
Never how I feel
Let all of this slip through the cracks
Shattered dreams, bloody fingers
Another reason why
So much of this actually makes sense

 

There is a darkness in my heart
How I feel
Kill myself what does it all mean?
Destroyed, who I am, a darkness
I was never meant to understand
A guilt that doesn’t mean anything
Ask me, I’ll do it
Not a dare, how I feel
Lost, longing for answers no more

 

Look for you in hell
My hands around your throat
Your head submersed in the lake of fire
Found you once, know I can do it again
Not so special after all

 

Love you more than I’ve ever loved me
Saying the same old thing
Clean up the wounds, wash away the pain
Still me, still the same old thing
It kills me to say, it tears me apart
Unapologetically that I will change
The devil you’ve always known
The one you’ve always loved
Killing me will only make me stronger

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Hope all is well… doing good on this end… I’m sure no one will believe me after reading that post… but that’s okay… sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction… Smile… it is today… : )

 

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Broken Thoughts… Postcard From My Heart…

There is a hole in my soul
I lie and say it doesn’t hurt
Broken and I think everybody knows
A child with so many things to say
An adult with nothing left
All that matters doesn’t seem to anymore
The feelings once there have come and gone
A pretense so intense that it hurts
Walking away seems to be all that I have left
Though I know I still have things left to say

 

A Darkness Love Could Never Hide

Literally burning time
Watching it burn slowly
In my hand
Your life
Smell so innocent
Taste of dirt and ash
Holding a place in my heart
A grave with no name
The bones never seem to
Break away when you want
Them to
The souls always with me
Speaking in tongues made of sin
Give me more, feed me, feed this eternal lust
The hate was never the point
It is the feeling of your lungs running out of air
Succumbing to a need
Deep inside me grows a danger
Lack of control has led me to this
Watching your body burn with the rest of them
In the shallow grave, the altar I’ve built for you

 

Spitting blood
Did you care before you thought
I was going to die?
My mouth is dirty
Vulgar as fuck
Postcard from my heart

 

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Not a whole lot to say… which is odd to even me… even crazier is that I’m in a great mood… maybe that’s scary?… haha… believe me when I say I am fine… a little dark… but that is just me… smiling all the way to asylum… enjoy your day… I’m going outside to enjoy the sunshine… just kidding… I’m not that crazy… : )

 

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Broken Thoughts… First Rehearsal…

Lips are cracked and bleeding
Purging the obvious
Drinking to wish this all away
Empty alley, a new home
Staring down death with nothing left
Had a name, gave it up to be this
Worth it for a worthless choice
Circumstances of my personal consumption
Forgive me for calling so late
Aware time always meant something to you
A purpose, a place, some where to be

Timing is everything
The reason behind right and wrong
Justification for what we believe
Too early, too late, it all fucks up just the same

 

Good luck suffering in place. Save a space for me.

 

Last week I was in New York and this week I’m in Seattle. What’s the point of fucking phones if we have to meet face to face? Come see the freak in a mask made of glass. A fragile ego they all want to shatter. Break me open and see what’s left inside. Haven’t I given you enough? Another rewrite another pass. What the fuck do I pay these people for? “The covers no good too violent, too obscene. Got any ideas?” Yeah, you just shit all over them. “The shirts are too much. We are trying to sell an image. Convey an idea of loneliness not sadness.” I was unaware they were two separate things. Pulling my teeth to make me money they say. What a stupid fucking saying. Driving a nail into my brain and they wonder why I’m so pissed off all the time. 

 

A long walk to nowhere at all

 

Thinking things over
Going on from here will be
More difficult this time
A radiant emotion trapped inside
Happiness is a fleeting emotion
Thinking of all the things
Still left to do
The words become a list
Of where I’ve been and where I need to go
Wasn’t prepared for this
Always failing, the success is fleeting
Wanted it always, now that I’m here
Even more lost than before

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I wanted to make a new logo for this week… it didn’t happen… started messing with all the tools… the settings… four hours later… I just said fuck it… next time… so maybe next time…

As soon as I stop being lazy… not any time soon… I want to start working on my short story book again… and I have an idea for another book… going to start working towards that soon… that’s my overall goal for the rest of the year… I need to start trying to submit some stuff to literary magazines and agents again… because life doesn’t seem so shitty as of late… and there is no better way to take that feeling away… : )

It’s like hitting rock bottom… only you could be so lucky to hit it every day… that sounds a little extreme… hitting rock bottom is some pretty serious shit… it is more like… you know that person you “love” but you are too afraid to tell them?… it’s like that… except you do it to multiple people and they don’t have the nerve to even tell you no… they don’t even have the nerve to tell you why… they just send you an email that says… thanks for bringing me your thoughts and feelings… maybe next time… now that I think about it though… I’ve never asked out multiple people out at the same time before… so I have no idea how that would feel…

Come to think about it… I’m not sure I’ve ever ask anyone out to their face… is that normal?… I don’t know… feels weird… where was I?… basically it feels like shit to get rejected… but it feels even worse… going through life without at least trying… 

 

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