Beacasue… I Don’t Want To Know… For Fun…

 

 

 

 

 

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All mixed up… but please… did you really expect anything else?... out of these which is your favorite?… no judgement… (Shh.. Dirt Room… please come on… you know me better by now…)

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Broken Thoughts… Swinging For The Fences…

What the fuck am I even doing
Digging ditches called memories
It’s all pointless so why
Do I feel the need to cry
The reason to breath, fucking seething
Unhappy and I don’t know why
Pointless, but here we go
Another day waking and waiting
Here we go another day
Believing everything will be fine
Here we go one more fucking day
Feeling like this

 

Clapping along to a death song
I’ve known all along

 

Go ahead and smile
Really I don’t care
Stabbing you in the face
Will only be easier
Please, no, be you
Distant memories while I dance on
Your grave

 

Gearing up for the ass fuck of the century
A daily grind one upped every night
(Takes a bow)

 

Your insecurities rub up against me
A broken down thought, in need of a lobotomy
Toxic nervousness that surrounds us all
Thought provoking image drench in tears
Worldliness verbiage that makes no sense
You’ve gone and turned my mind inside out

 

“America’s problem is that we are so afraid of outside forces that we forget we are the outside force”…

 

I don’t have time to fail
A constant push to get myself out of here
Lost dream taken over by regret

 

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I’m still on vacation… for how long?… no idea… but I will be checking in and out through  out the month… hopefully by December… I can get back into some sort of routine… What have you been up to?… How have you been?… Hope all is well… 

Layne Ambrose
11/12/18

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At Least That’s A Start…

The Drugs Aren’t Helping, Take Two A Day

Doing nothing drives the sanest insane
Bring me some new pain
I know I can take it
At all costs, it has to be this way
In the darkest holes I have found
I’ll be fine, wanted you to know
Dragging me through hell
This place I call home
Miss it more than I could know
Simple minded, stupid, what you will
I’ll survive, I’ll find a way to make it
Who I am, Who I’ve always been
Smiling and digging a grave
In your name I pray
You’ll never feel the way I do
I will always fail at this thing
Called life
I will always be the things
I never wanted to be

 

I’m Not You Because You Are Me

Had everything anyone could ever want
Pissed it all away, now look at me
Shitting on the street
Stare, I don’t care, still breathing
Understand, never alive
Don’t you see?
Don’t you see?
Look at me
You are me more than you want to believe
One step away
Feel that?, It’s called a heart beat
It’s called a heart beat
Pissing in the streets, screaming until my throat bleeds
You are me
Don’t you see?
Don’t you see?
Chasing the demons that haunt me
Running from the problem at top speed
Problem has always been
Me
Human and I know you can relate
My home is the streets
My home is this fucking concrete
You are me
Don’t you see?
Don’t you see?
You just haven’t run your course
Of course, you’d deny the truth
I’ll see you, keep the space warm, until we meet 
That special place called home
Six feet under earth
I’m not you because you are me

 

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I know the last post was pretty sad and all that shit… but lets move on until I have better news… I’m Not You Because You Are Me… came out of no where…. and honestly… I don’t like to brag… but God damn… That shit hit hard and I could not stop… a written orgasm… I don’t know if you liked it as much as me… but… that shit sent me over the edge… and then dropped me in a six-foot ditch… what I live for?… hard to say… but it made me feel a certain way…

Because that is how it is my friends… we are all one step from all of this shit going to… well shit… as bad as you think you have it… as bad as we want to believe… it could be worse… some of us have it pretty fucking bad… don’t get me wrong… if you got time to think… well you got it better than most… gratefulness… be grateful for what you got… family… friends… a good thought that pops up… ride it out…  but always strive for more… a balance that can be hard to understand… a balance that doesn’t make sense until long after… It’s about the air… it’s about the breathe… sounds stupid… but what else are you going to do?… 

Don’t like where you are?… keep fucking swinging… keep trying… as much as I love you  all… as much as I want each of you to do what it is that you want… the truth is that no one gives a shit… oh well… heard it all before… are you going to give up or are you going make them believe?… don’t need to hurt… don’t need to destroy… need to find a balance… a mission that isn’t easy to see… all in this together… and we are all on our knees… no one ever said this was going to be easy… climb that mountain… fall down the hill… who really cares… get back up… that’s what people really care about… we will fail… but no one is taking me out… get what I mean?…

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I know you are busy… I know we all got a lot of things going on… I don’t need you to buy anything… click the links… shit on me… tell me I suck… honestly… I appreciate… you even reading one word… you are the greatest thing that could happen to me… don’t be afraid… I embrace you all the same… we are all in this together… hugs… and all will be well… 

Broken Thoughts… Breaking Down The Forever Circus…

The sadness sinks in
A world with no reason
Broken hearted, left wondering
How much time is left 
To destroy

 

Drinking a death wish left to employ
I’d take you all if it means happiness
Selfish, I’ve always known why
So much easier to take away
Then live this shit day to day
Still hanging on anyway
Raise my glass we’re in this together now
Happiness has always been nothing more than
A thought

 

Emotions come and go away
Words are easy to say
Live?, another question to be asked
Who was I in all this madness
Miss you more than I forgot
They say so many things
They lie to tell the truth
What’s the reason, no reason why
Call it life, call it what you will
Doesn’t matter, how it is to die
Words spell out my life
Words say so much and then we die
Choking on so many things
The mind keeps going
An empty feeling of nothingness
Wasted gift, no one has ever listened
Swing and thinking
None of this even matters

 

People fucking die
And we wonder why
Depression is great
Then you wonder why
The good die for no reason

 

I’m fucked up and it’s all right
Human as the night sky
Who I am with no reason why
Forgiveness, holds hands with sin
Fight hell, fight the light
The truth is more than I can describe
Being human was never the lie

 

“Life doesn’t make sense. Madness? Well… you tell me.”
Cooper Jones, No One Ever Said This Was Free

 

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A few repeats in here… not sure what I am talking about?… well then you don’t follow me on twitter… haha… that’s my one shitty plug for your attention… lets talk about real shit now that business is out of the way…

This week… has been a trail of judgement… that doesn’t make sense… a cross roads of the soul… no… a rite of passage… maybe… the last week has been a fucking eye opener… full of ups and downs… a blank mind… and wonder why I don’t just die… don’t read too much into that last line… death pops up in this empty vessel I call a mind all the time… nature of who I am at this point… normal?… probably not… but it is for me… that’s not what I’m trying to share… no… it is something way worse…

Something is miss firing in my brain… shocked?… maybe a little… I don’t know if it the almost decade of no sleep… who I was always meant to be… or a medical reason… so I will be going to the doctor… in the next few days… I know what I need to say… but I’m afraid… I know what I want to say… but I don’t want it to be true… so it is just easier to pretend everything is fine… honesty is not what I’m good at… telling people how I really feel… is not something I am good at… drag myself through hell to see you smile… is how I’ve always been… getting off topic… 

I suffer from anxiety… self diagnosed… if the smallest amount of change happens around me… a panic attack is sure to follow… been happening for as long as I can remember… I can live with that… because I have… I know what I need to do to… having nights believing I would die in my sleep… so I didn’t sleep… will do that to you… losing your shit because one too many people happen to be at the mall… so I leave… will do that to you… all of these things easy to avoid… easy to talk yourself down from… but the other day… I sat in this special training for my job… as I sat doing nothing… I can’t describe how I felt… I tried to explain it to my wife… I thought I was going to die… right there… no reason… Tried to talk myself down for hours… but the thought never left my mind… I sat there shaking… I sat there wondering if this was it… anyone with anxiety will tell you that’s all it takes… a thought… to set off a shit storm of what’s to come…

The feeling washes over you… the idea consumes everything you know… it isn’t normal… and I don’t know what to do… I know that I won’t die… heart racing a mile a minute… nothing is wrong with me… heart beating the fuck out of my chest… literally nothing is happening… and I know that if I close my eyes… that is it… the end… no more living… no more family… no more friends… and I’m not ready… I don’t think I ever will be… but right now… in this moment… I know that I’m not ready… I need help… denial isn’t working anymore… What that means for who I am… or what I think I am… I don’t know… and that scares me too… 

The truth of all of this… is that I’m scared… all the time… scared I won’t see my wife again… scared I won’t see my daughter grow up… scared I won’t make it to the end of the day… hell I’m scared I’m wasting my time of every minute of every day… some fear is good… but this has become something else…  so… that has been what has happening to me… things have been dark as of late… passing moments… or how it has always been… no idea… things might change… it takes time… or they might stay the same… but I want you to know that I give you everything I can… and I thank you for accepting me for who I am… for giving me everything you got too… we’re in this together… and I’m glad to just stand beside you each and every day… Life is about making it to tomorrow… nothing else… nothing less… nothing more… dark thoughts pop up… slip themselves in… but that is how I truly feel… that’s how I make it day to day… 

 

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Will It Ever Rain Again?…

Dragging The Lake For Things I Already Know

Taking it out on me, I get it
Shut your mouth, where do I begin?
Carving out a likeness in stone
A distance within reach
I see you, but did you ever see me?
Selfish, what isn’t about me
Selfless, tearing flesh from bone
A theme as of late, collecting all the things
Take inventory of every scorn
Each slight against one another
The silence speaks more than the screaming
Thought you were my brother, couldn’t be more wrong
As much as I am right
I hear what you are saying
But fuck you anyway
If you couldn’t fucking tell
I am hurting
Maybe one day you could forgive
Whatever it is that I did
Without knowing, until then let the war
Let all this shit continue
I’ll be waiting as I always have

Expecting me to say sorry
You should know already
God forgives not me
Hate me if you must
But know I’ll be waiting
Anger will fade
Maybe the pain stays the same
Not always right, never willing to admit the truth
I’m only human
Said all I am willing to say

 

Tear You Apart

Drag your soul through hell
What part of I will
Love you forever
Do you not understand
Sinking nails into your brain
Filling your thoughts with so much pain
The words don’t always mean the same
Forgettable and lame
My love will always be the same
An endless devotion to killing you
How can you not understand
What I mean when I say
I love you

 

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These were… are personal… one is about a friend… another about… well love and what it really means… our partners are something special… I’m stealing this next thought from somewhere… but we just download all this shit onto others… fuck it… I don’t want it… you can have it… right… wrong… how it is… there is only so much shit that we can stand… harbor… endure… relationships are more important than we know… correction… healthy relationships are more important than we know… 

Sometimes we take advantage of situations that we are in… the people we really love… it is easy to do… are we monsters?… or we human?… it really depends… in most cases we are human… we are being selfish… being ourselves… that’s when it is time to take a step back… realize we can’t always be right… and we can’t always be wrong… it takes a stronger person to admit they are wrong… than the asshole screaming we are right… but when you are right you are right… confusing I know… life is inherently confusing… life at times can seem like shit… 

If you don’t know by now… We take advantage of the people we love the most… because it is easy… because they are already there… every one loves the chase… loves the feeling of getting to know someone new… but being the one… the one who is always there… it isn’t fun… it is essential… there is a balance to all of this shit called life… no one can tell you how to be… when to step back… when to not be selfish… no one can tell you what to do… but if you want to suffer… that’s your fucking problem… that’s a shit thing to say… but life is shit… step back and look at everything… if all fails… fight the war… but know that war… anger… hate… should always be the very last thing anyone should do… there is no shame in coinciding… there is no shame and being like yeah I was fucking wrong… you are not the center of the universe at all times… 

No one ever said being human was fucking easy… if they did… they lied through their fucking teeth… you know what is right and what is wrong… God or no God… you know… I think it is time… time we trying being the best person we can be… no violence… no hate… find yourself frustrated… take a step back rather than a step forward… understand we are all in pain… we are all suffering… and you know what… we are all in this together… today might be the greatest day of your life… but for someone else it might be the worst day they could ever live… respect the balance… be a descent person not because it is right… but because that the way you would want to be treated… be selfish by being selfless… see how it feels… if I’m wrong… I’m fucking wrong… at least you tried… I respect that… 

 

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Hyped…

Another short post… still have a lot of thoughts running through my mind at the moment… about what I want to do… bare with me… and yes I am aware that this is a cop out… but I just watched the new trailer… well the only trailer at the moment for Captain Marvel… super hyped… so I thought I would share some movies that I am hyped about… pretty lame… not at all bloody… but if you want to imagine that I pulled these trailers from my own brain with a bloody knife… well who am I to stop you?… 

 

 

Other movies I want to check out…

Bad Times at the El Royale

 

Hotel Artemis

ARIZONA

 

 

Seems like I am really into hotel movies as of late… haha… but they both look really good… In all fairness… I’d watch anything with The Dude in it… I could watch him read a boring book… it would be creepy as fuck… but I would do it…

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You don’t have to buy my shit… but please feel free to review it… shit on it… whatever makes you happy… : )

I Am The End Of All Your Dreams…

Today will be a little different from normal… or a lot of the same… depends on how you view my odd writing style… today I answer questions from you… well three of you… I appreciate the three of you very much… the rest of you… the rest of you must have just been too busy… whatever… I get… I have a life too… I think… So lets open up that mail bag and see what we’ve got… (All responses are my own… and do not reflect the thoughts and opinions of those of us that work at Is That A Funeral?… Any allusion to anyone person living or dead… is probably on purpose…)

First question. “Why do you suck?” brought to us by Jesus. 

Well, thank you Jesus… all I have to say to your oh so serious question… Big talk from someone who couldn’t even write their own story… drops the mic… 

Next up we have two questions from Ms. Lemons herself. Fuck The Lemonade if you are nasty.  “How are you?” and “What would you like to drink?”

At the moment I am great… I may or may not have had too much to drink already… I mean I am answering a question from Jesus… but I’m also not running in the streets naked… screaming come and get me while swing a bat at the cops… I just gave away my plans for this evening… damn…  as for what I like to drink… it varies… depending on my mood… and if I have any money… but… Whiskey and ginger ale… is a hit around this homestead… I mean… drinking is bad… how dare you ask me such questions… young lady… wildly inappropriate… or right on target?… so very unsure… next… : )

Question 3 comes from the amazing Lisa @LismorePaper, “Maybe you have said before, but the penguin, is there a story?”

With me there is always a story… haha… sadly this one isn’t very exciting… there is a great debate here at Chewing On Glass… whether I created the image myself or if I found it… I proclaim that I drew it myself… my wife on the other hand believes that I found it… to be honest that makes way more sense… because I can’t draw for shit… I have tried to reverse google search the image… and I can’t find it…  so that leads me to believe that I did it myself… that’s the pretext to this story… 

The penguin… at this point has to be my spirit animal… fun fact I re-watched Fight Club recently and the narrator’s spirit animal also happens to be a penguin… which I must admit made me smile… I don’t know if I have ever mentioned I am a huge fan of Chuck Palahniuk… getting off point… I have always been drawn to Antarctica… or penguins for that matter… maybe it is the subtext of isolation… yet with a family… the idea of an island… the idea that the only way to truly see me is to visit?… so much to unpack there… 

To answer your question though… the penguin became “my symbol” because when I signed up for this website… it was the only image I had on my writing computer… I had every intention to go back and changes it… but I’m pretty lazy… haha… so it became my calling card… the cute amongst the blood… along with the pain… a contradiction of sorts… proving I’m not completely lost… just a little broken…  also Mel really liked it… and as she was an early friend… I let it stay… I was going to change it to the bloody words… or something else that I have worked on… but for all reasons above… why?… 

Digging deep within the bag of questions. We have the one and only… Fox… Over on Low On Juice. “What’s the worst mistake you’ve ever done?”

You are amazing kid… but wow… real dark right out the gate… haha…

My worst mistake… I’ve been thinking about this for the last few days… I mean it could be a couple of things… it could have been have the time I killed that homeless man while his dog watched… should have killed the dog too… I just couldn’t bring myself to hurt something so innocent… : )… that’s a reference to American Psycho… by another one of my favorite authors… Bret Easton Ellis… it could have been dropping out of college… hell it could have been getting married… having a kid… moving to Texas… not killing myself at sixteen because I was bored… the things about mistakes kid… is that they happen… and it doesn’t matter… it is how you handle them that matters… 

Yeah, I dropped out of college… oh well… I went to figure out what I wanted to do… I wanted to do this… could it have been easier with a degree?… doubtful but who knows… was it settling down?… I have a connection with my wife that I don’t have with anyone else in the world… having a kid?… I have a chance of creating the coolest fucking kid in the world… or another asshole.. jury is out… haha… moving to Texas… that one was tough… I gave up a lot for that… looking back though… after I got through all the shit… I have gained a lot… not killing myself… I wouldn’t have met you… hands down… worth living…

Maybe I do nothing… maybe I become the next Stephen King… doesn’t matter… it is about moments… it is about pulling through… mistakes happen… we all fuck up… but riding out the storm…  how you handle it all… that’s what it takes to be a man… to be a woman… to be a person on this earth… shit happens… mistakes happen… life happens… I am far from perfect… but what separates me from what I see… is that I get back up and I try again… I fucking try… at what ever I do… it may seem easy… none of this is easy… 

You can have goals… and you should… but know that the real goal should always be… be the best person you can be… yeah someone else will be more lucky… someone else will have more… some one else will whatever the fuck… end of the day are you the best person you can be?… did you do everything that you are capable of doing?… that’s what people truly judge you on… not your mistakes… you’ve got a good head on those shoulders… keep at it… and you will be fine… don’t linger on the things that don’t matter… if you fuck up make it right… know that you are human… know that we all make mistakes… 

 

Songs for you to hear… because that’s who I am… Vacant Skies by Sparta… The Grudge by Tool.. and The Patient by Tool… I hope you enjoy… 

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Thank you to all that submitted a question… you are awesome… and I thank you from the bottom of my heart… it may seem black and hollow at times… but that is only the way it seems… because of you… it is full of love… and I thank you…

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