Broken Thoughts… If I Had A Tail… You’d Never Know…

They say I’m depressed
Enlightened by the idea
They even know me
The loneliness creeps up
Digs deep inside
Have always felt I have been
Left to die
A child’s thought buried inside
How long am I willing to ride this out?

Torn Between… Everything is fine…

My head is finally empty
A feeling I’ve been searching for
Though I don’t understand
Everything seems pointless
Repeated over and over again
Suicide doesn’t seem painless
But really only the next step

A sober thought lost in my mind…

The spiders shall crawl across your skin
From the darkness of you heart
Spinning webs in the empty space
Fading from the structure started
Disappearing in the disappointment
Of a lost idea in my head
Taking a long time to talk this out
So unsure what to say
Too many things killing me
Ignoring everything
Hard to breathe
Too many things getting in the way
Hard to tell
What the hell I’m even saying

Too depressed even for me… Walking it off…

“It has been awhile since we have seen each other. It has been a time since I have been like this. I have to say that I missed this. Missed us in a way that makes no sense.” I bash my head into the bathroom mirror. The image in front of me shatters. Lines of blood across my face and I stare into my cold dead eyes. “You’ve always been so beautiful. The things you do to me. The way you make me feel is unmistakable. You are me and I have always been you. That’s the smile I have missed.” The blood drips from my face, from my teeth, onto the sink, and staring. “They said we shouldn’t be together. I’ll admit I agreed for a time but now that we are back together? As I look into your eyes? Fuck them for ever tearing us apart. Who the fuck are they to decide what we mean to each other? They don’t know what it takes for us to walk this Earth.” I smash my head against the mirror once again. Tiny shards sticking out of my face. “Now let’s go show them what it is you really mean to me.”

That last one was fun… been sitting on that one for a while… no idea where it came from… I was planning for it to be this whole story… but fuck it… new ideas will come… very crazy mix of thoughts in this one… I know I throw words like suicide and death around… like they ain’t shit… need to stress that these are Broken Thoughts… moments that pass… some of them repeat in my head… so I can see why my friends and family worry…

I appreciate it… always have… I don’t use those words for attention… I take them very seriously… they are also only thoughts… feel guilty when I make others worry… because there is nothing to worry about… writing has always been a way for me to get this shit out of me… because that’s how I really feel… suicide and death is shit… there are plenty of things to live for… what else is there really to do?…

Death will come whether we want it to or not… the price we pay for life… so there is no reason to speed it up… there is always a way out… a lesson to be learned… even when you think there is no other way out… you’d be surprised that there is… I have been back against the wall… seen some shit… lived through things I’d never wish on anyone… feet still planted firmly on this earth… didn’t get through any of it alone… things always seem so much worse up close… at times we can feel so alone on this earth… trust me though you are never alone…

If I have learned anything from sharing my thoughts over the past two years… it is that we are never alone… something I think we all need to be reminded of every day… not everyone is your friend… but not everyone is a monster either… protect yourself… but don’t lock yourself away completely… things will get better… sometimes it takes time… sometimes all you have to do is ask… but things get better…

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Something Different… In Your Own Words… Special Guest…

Untitled (Perspective In The Infinite…)
By: Unnamed Special Guest

I choke with every breath of air
It stands still and it tastes stale
I cringe at all the sounds of life
They shake my bones and make them frail
I find it harder everyday to keep the things
That make me care

I feel gravity dragging me down
It’s thick and heavy and very loud

Every breath a gasp and blink a weep
It feels easier to let the dark creep
Into my mind and let it drain
Into my veins so they seep

I feel gravity dragging me down
It’s thick and heavy and very loud

I think of final vitals, it wanders through my mind
It sends a lovely shiver up and into my spine
These thoughts and feelings never subside
I wish that I could have a hole
A place to hide, my last home

I feel gravity dragging me down
It’s thick and heavy and way too loud

I’ll find a way to make it end
Not by conclusion, but my own hand
Take the illusion, the one I had
Erase it all, now its not so bad

I feel gravity dragging me down
It’s thick and heavy and way too loud

I’ve been wanting to post this for awhile… the statement behind… rings very true… I didn’t write this in case you missed the by line… I did name it as it was presented to me as Untitled… I enjoy titles… Overall I enjoyed this whole poem… things that stuck out to me though… was the reference to The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath… If you have yet to read the one and only novel by Plath… I highly suggest you do… It is heart breaking and amazing… similar to how I feel about this poem…

The writer… deals with depression on a daily basis… I know a lot of us here suffer from something similar… I also know that a lot of us feel as though it is only us… it would be nice if none of us had to ever feel depression at all… but it is also nice to know we are not alone in this… That’s what I enjoyed the most about this poem… the perspective…

Let’s Keep This Party Going…

More music to shake your ass too… let’s get a little weird with this one… Same rules as last time… what comes up… comes up… : )

Queens of the Stone Age

This is about sex…. had no idea… because I’m Sick… Sick… Sick… Hack up a body and I’m like okay… talk about sex… and I’m like hold the phone… haha… yeah I’m very American… it sickens me… brings a tear… because I didn’t even grow up in America… That’s how deep these cuts lie… Crazy how much culture effects you each and every day… Oh… and I love this song…

Die Antwoord…

Speaking of… Zef all god damn day… So I don’t know if you know… but all this started and ends with music… That’s all I wanted to be… that’s what I failed at… writing is cool… I love it… but I settle for it… because the truth is… I want to be the greatest drummer of all time… that’s real… Music is my life… everything else is what it is… sadly I was born without any talent… I try… I dabble… I dream… but sadly Broken Thoughts is all I be… life if you ask me… but If I was who I wanted to be?… Fuck… I’d be the Zef American filling your head with sick ass beats… point is we all fail… embrace what is left… Broken Thoughts and all..

True Loves

This one… I find out who they were after I saw a Modest Mouse concert… (My favorite band…) to be honest I am not familiar with them at all… but I like this song… I saw some of the members open for Mouse…. It wasn’t bad… better than I could do… but not for me… I liked this though…

Machine Gun Kelly

Haha… I hated this song… but… in the end I became hooked for dumb ass reasons… MGK... isn’t my kind of shit… but I shit you not… he looks like my brother in law… He is homeless but he chose that for himself… so don’t feel bad… I don’t… asshole is living better than most people… but I still had to be like is that him?… haha… because that’s the dice life would roll for him… American all day… throw up in my mouth… still doesn’t explain everything going on over here… Capitalism details so many things that I don’t understand… basically I got hooked on this song… that’s it…

Die Antwoord….

Full circle… I ran out of songs… My daughter requested this song… that’s how much they have taken over my life… even my daughter knows what is up… This song is crazy… and long… My daughter is dancing to this song right now… between tapping out the beat… Life is crazy here… best line… pick one… this song has many… I may not have been the greatest drummer… but there is still hope for her… pushing music on to her… like I am to you… I am a dad after all… : )

Well… I had fun… hopefully you did too… music is life…

Music Time… Special Report…

I am listening to music… and you aren’t here with me… so we are going to go with whatever Spotify plays me and I don’t skip… let’s begin… (Warning this might get weird… Should be fun though…)… putting links in the captions… in case the video doesn’t load… I got you…

Not even going to comment… a fucking master piece… shit… : )… Pixies
Seether…. shh… Lemons… I can see the irony… : ) and no… that’s not why…

This song is long… fun fact… I don’t like long songs… who the fuck has the time?… I grew up punk… two minutes is pushing the limits for me… but now I am old… I make exceptions… mostly for Tool and Pink Floyd... but every one else?… let’s dial it down… boil it down to two minutes… if I’m really feeling it… I can always repeat… and I will… (Totally fucking around here… do what your heart tells you to do… maybe I listen… maybe I don’t… but who the fuck am I?..)

Misfits

Does this really need a comment?… I got into The Misfits… when downloading music was cool… maybe it still is… I don’t know… I’m not cool any more… Why bring this up?… well back then you downloaded any and everything from who ever you were into… as a circumstance… the name of the song could have been wrong… could have been whatever… but what I liked about The Misfits was that it didn’t matter… you could guess the title without trying… I played a game with my ex proving this point… because it really is that easy… May be why I love titles so much… and spend a lot of time on them… oh and the music is amazing… Did I base most of my post teen existence on them?… fuck you for asking… : ) Honestly who hasn’t?… a much better question… if you are into horror you already know them… and if you aren’t?… you are welcome…

Pantera… the drums… that’s it… all you need… Thunder from the fucking Gods… R.I.P. Vinnie Paul…
Childish Gambino

Okay… maybe I’m kind of cool… I’m hip… haha… Always liked him as an actor…. Mystery Team… all day… a rapper though?… then I heard this… first and only thought… he acts too?… god damn… That beat infected me for a straight year… just hit repeat again… relapsing hard…

Peter Gabriel

Losing all street cred on this one… but fuck a duck… shit in my heart… tear me down… I’d blast this shit louder than anything I’ve chosen so far… Say Anything all god damn day… this song pulls at my heart strings… love that guitar… that voice… fuck you if it doesn’t make you feel something… that’s how serious about how much this song effects me… So good… and I don’t know why…

That’s what I am doing… hope you enjoyed this special post… I had fun at least… listen to music… it will set you free…

Teeth Into The Concrete…

I have two days… less than that really to write my next story part for… When There’s No More Room… but I really don’t want too… well its not that I don’t want to work on it… I’m just not in the mood to kill anyone… write about killing anyone… or dig deeper into a broken soul… shocker I know…

So I have time to write… what should I write about?… Recently I was told that I should do more stories… I used to do a lot of them… but really there’s only so much shit you can pull out of your ass… there is a limit apparently… I don’t do requests… but I would be lying if the thought to do more stories… wasn’t already on my mind…

More or less… I stopped talking about shit that was happening… mostly because… well for some of the worst reasons… I was going through some shit… I’m sure my recent output hasn’t reflected that in any way… haha… Basically I have been drinking… not fun drinking… no something so much worse… all the reasons I won’t explain… but most of them have been because of myself… I’m not over a lot of them… but I’m over some of them at the moment…

One of the biggest ones… was that I hated myself and I wanted to die… not sure I truly 100% invested in this over bearing thought in my head… but it corrupted me enough each and every day… that I really just didn’t care about anything… work… writing… my family… breathing… it was all so much… that it was easier to just drink myself into oblivion to try and shut the voice off in my head… fun fact… it didn’t… for the most part (saying this sober) it just cranked up the fucking volume… if it wasn’t for my little girl and a few friends … not sure I’d be here… honestly though even a few times that wasn’t enough… I was too drunk to remember why I didn’t do it at those moments…

But I wanted too pretty bad… I remember a time I just sat there… for what seemed like forever… staring at my box cutter… telling myself to not… while also basically telling myself to just do it… that it doesn’t matter… nothing matters… what could it possibly matter?… still don’t have answers for any of those questions… but as a friend of mine said to me recently… “At least we still have our health”… As much as I want to do it… At least I’m still here to do it… one day at a time… about the only thing tethering me to the top of the hole dug in my heart…

That was heavy… when I wasn’t busy… thinking about killing myself… well life was just piling on all the reasons I should… work wanted everything I had… and I had nothing to give… my writing was turning into nothing but rejection email after rejection email… my family… was falling apart… for helpless reasons out of my own control… and all I wanted to do was scream… so I drank… did nothing… and drank some more… solving nothing as it all piled on… honestly a lot of that stuff was already stacked on top of me… and it still is… but the family stuff… well that was… that is… all I’ve ever really cared about…

This is all fun… getting published would be a dream… doing this all day every day… would put a smile on my face… but none of this… none of the shit at work… nothing in this world means as much to me as my family… it is all so trivial in the end… money… fame… acceptance… I have all of that right here… we all have our driving force… our own weakness… and mine happens to be the same thing… Take that way… the whole house of cards called life comes tumbling down… I just didn’t want to get out from under it all…

We all fall down every once in a while… but life is about getting back up… not about the shit that took us to the ground… One day at a time… I don’t do requests… and neither should you… unless you are in a cover band… but for me… make it one more day…

Queens of the Stone Age… Fortress

Merch… Threadless… Books… Amazon… Broken Thoughts… Twitter

Little Fears Is Chewing On Glass…

Or is Chewing On Glass looking at Little Fears?… Either way… we have done it again… Honestly I think this one is pretty good… could be our best collaboration so far… So send some love over to Little Fears aka Peter… and enjoy… (I wrote this before it was out so if you are reading this after 3/3/19… You are just enjoying… Little Fears…)

Okay… now that you have checked it out… you did check it out?… I can talk a little bit about the original project… The piece that you just read… is from a project I have been trying to get off the ground for a while… okay… it was an idea I had that I wrote a two page treatment for and meant to come back to… shit that was probably… seven years ago…

Time fucking flies by… almost two years ago… I offered it to Peter… we are a both a little consumed with our projects… to be honest though… I pitched the comic, Is That A Funeral, to him in our second email… maybe our first correspondence… haha… I was a bit excited to work with him… I’ve been meaning to pitch it to him again… but I left it in the idea bin and kind of forgot about it… then Peter sent me an email about doing another project… hyped… I knew this was the time to actually do it…

In reality though the part of Is That A Funeral that you read is more of a second or third… idea for the project… turns out that the two page treatment was just that… a treatment… so I rewrote the best version I could based on how I wanted it to be seven years ago… hopefully you enjoyed it… I enjoyed working on it with Peter… but he is always a pleasure to work with… so that part wasn’t difficult… and yes… my publishing company is also called Is That A Funeral?… I named the comic after it… seemed fitting…

New logo for Broken Thoughts?… Let me know…

Inspired By….

The Devil Within

Tearing through my flesh
Can’t tell what is left
Dead or alive
Fucking kill it
Doesn’t matter anymore
Screaming in the dark
Take me with you
Drown within a dream, a nightmare
Suffocating
The scars were never meant to be seen
Cracking
Hating all of this
A life I thought I had to live
Destroying everything
Smashed against my skin
I have and always will
Drown myself from within
Thought you knew me
Didn’t know shit
A decision I have to fucking live with
Smile, because this was always for you
Turning over in my grave
Even in death I couldn’t sleep
Fuck me, all the same
Keep on living just to be me
Closing my eyes
I knew there would never be peace
Smiling even as a dead man in a grave
Home is where my heart has always been
A tomb, a grave, everything I need it to be
Miss the way things used to be
Isolation was only a thought that I bothered
Give you even more
If you could show me what it is I truly need
A hug from the one I adore
Wasted too much time
On selfish needs
Punish me some more
Give me all that I deserve

This free write brought to you by… The Stories In Between… if you like it… you can thank him… if you hate it… well you can blame me… either way check out his blog… website… his writing…

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