Something Different

Breakdown

Working towards something
Pushing myself to the edge
The brink of everything that’s real
The point at which I am dead
Keeps digging, the mind wants more
Keep reliving, the memories I deserve
Stains on broken glass
Visions left without words
Bring to life everything that I fear
Bring the innocent to their knees
Beg for forgiveness though no reason why
I belong to everything, now that is a lie
Working the words into something
Something ugly, the way that I feel
I’m sure by now you can tell
I don’t care about you and how you feel

With Our Ideas On Fire

Broken visions of a better day
Longing fears of something real
A daily grind with a cross to bare
I think I know what it means
I think I’d be wrong
Following in footsteps made of glass
Drowned with air made of poison
A daily grind with our knives on display
I think I know what it means
I think in some way I’d be wrong
Forgiving misgivings yet to happen
Sympathetic to reasons already written
A daily grind with a knotted noose
To be you, to be me
I think I’d be wrong
In assuming I’d have any idea at all

 

 

Broken Thoughts

Another shitty night bleeds into another subconscious day
Locked into nothing at all, fight to stay awake
Breaking bones to stay in the game with no goal
If only I had known the rules might not have tried at all
Gave it away for nothing at all, Giving it away
A cause and effect of a generation gone by
The words change but they always mean the same thing
Killing the weak to prove I’m strong for no reason at all
Another shitty week produces yet another worthless year
Feel the time pass without doing anything in between the seconds
Fighting with myself, against myself for reasons unknown
The rules were etched in stone, lost in time
Dictating how we live or not at all
The words make no sense but always mean the same thing

“Lost and Walking in Place Become Adolescent, Immature”

Gave up on my dreams to settle for anything
Wrong turn or in the process
What’s the difference if you aren’t willing to try
Sitting in the dark amongst the shadows
A homeless mind with too many responsibilities
Clutching to all the broken dreams
A shattered reality pieced together
This was to be my only way out
Now I’m searching for a reason
To not end it all
Suicide used to be the fuel
Now it is only the fire
Burning myself alive for what
Sacrificing myself to an unholy satisfaction
Give in is to die but I’ve been dead for so long
Retrospective and digging at the past
Need an answer and no religion isn’t it
Faith in anything isn’t cutting it anymore
Need someone to have faith in me
Though what I need always seems to be the wrong thing
Drug against the grain, maybe I have gone insane

Not cold enough to snow, Cold enough to realize I can die
Think it is forever, life is a short amount of time
Lasting forever is an immortal thought left to the damned
Heaven is a lost idea of freedom, Heaven is nothing more than a tool
Conditions will not improve until we improve them
Always waiting for someone, someone to fix the problem
Our own salvation lost in the lazy complications we create
Bleed for your freedom, stop believing in imaginary things
Die for the things you want, Do you still want them for the threat
The threat of losing it all is it worth it for nothing at all
Heaven is a place on earth, Hell sowed right beside it
Choices are made with or without your consent
Decide which side you stand on

 

Chewing On Glass (Political)

I take a lot of shit for the things that I say. Something wrong with this generation is the idea that all comments are negative. Even constructive criticism. If you like something it is best to suck its dick dry rather than trying to make it better in anyway. To criticize is to hate these days and it is sad to me. We spend so much time now talking up something that isn’t even worth talking up half the time.

Did I like the new Avengers movie? Sure, but it could have been better if they did this or that. Overall though I enjoyed it. Well it sounds like you hated it and that you are not a super fan like me. I loved every second of it so much that I want to relive it for every moment of my life forever. Oh, something shiny. Now I love that. Do you love this shiny thing as much as me? No you don’t. I love this shiny thing forever and ever.

It repeats into a cycle of one side of the coin or the other. You can only be on one side. My side or the wrong side. Everyone that I meet these days in person is like this. Maybe they have always been like this and I am just now paying attention, but it needs to stop. It is pointless and a waste of time. You can like something, and yet still find faults in it. For instance America. Am I critical of the United States? Yes of course I am. I live here and I want us to be the best. Are we the best? No, but we can be if we actually work on our faults rather than pussyfooting around them as if they aren’t even there. Regardless of where anyone stands on the issue of America being the greatest country on the planet we can all agree that we can be better. At least that is what rational people could believe. Sadly rational people are dropping like flies only to be replaced with these irrational people who think more of the same thing good or bad is the best way to go.

Cutting taxes is wonderful until you realize that you are now spending large amounts of cash elsewhere.  For instance, for your children to go to school. I’m not talking about clothes or extra crap our kids want, but don’t need. I’m talking about tissues, pens, pencils, and programs like music and art. So wonderful we cut taxes once again by slicing the education budget. Now our teachers can make even less to do even more. Now our children can ingest the “Food” our education system can afford. These decisions won’t affect future generations in any way so it’s all good. Yet in the last few decades, we have dropped more bombs than any other country on the planet and we haven’t won a single thing from it.

I take that back we did win the ultimate prize of creating more terrorist under the idea of ridding the world of terrorism. We also spent so much money making sure that we could secure oil that we could have spent that same money finding a way to rid ourselves of oil. Of course I know if we hadn’t they would have gone crazy over there. The Middle East would be a wreck right now if we hadn’t stepped in. Which is why my family and I are super excited about our yearly vacation to Bagdad where the fun never stops. We’ve spent too much time at the top when there is no literal top. We are arrogant for no reason at all.

We spend more money fucking up other countries than we do fixing our own. We spend more time telling others how they should live when we still haven’t really figured it out ourselves. We want everyone to be like us and that is not how the world works. What’s even crazier is that isn’t even how America is supposed to work yet we fight to make sure that it happens. We fight and we fight for what?

I heard somewhere from someone at some time that there is this idea. That America will go all 1984 or A Brave New World… The truth is that we couldn’t choose… We went with both… The public eats up A Brave New World… reality TV… Technology… Ease of access… Sex… the government consumes 1984… Control… Big Brother… A vs B vs C… an enemy amongst us…

Two ideals trying to live parallel to each other… the idea being that two parallel lines never intersect… that’s the problem… the public and the government must intersect… they must weave together in order to work… You can’t live with the idea of peace and kiss your ass goodbye at any moment…. the world is either good or on fire… that’s 1984 without the “oppression”…. We are only human and far from original… we change a few lines and go this isn’t so bad… Hitler did way more than just kill the Jews… Stalin did way more than just kill his own people… these are bold bullet points amongst the many… the government doesn’t need to kill anyone to take your rights away… not when you are giving them away for free… A Brave New World….

 

 

A Brave New World is one of my favorite books… When they visit the savages…. so bleak…. Spoiler alert… that would be us….  

This is a great song… an amazing song… by one of my favorite minds of our time… Killer Mike….

 

 

 

A Notice of Change…

It has been one crazy six months… I have been having a blast writing every month, every week, and every day for those of you have stuck with me… I will be taking the month of February off… To work on my book and to think of more exciting stories to tell you in the coming year… What that means is that I won’t be posting any new stories or blog pieces… I will be posting some of the most liked stories for the last six months, new Broken Thoughts, and Poetry though… 

This is only temporary so I can get ahead of the curve… I will still be visiting blogs, answering comments, and be around in general… So that is why I am calling it a change rather than a break… I will be back to my regular schedule for March…

Thank you so much for following, reading, commenting, and being here with me this past six months… I appreciate each and every one of you… each and every day…

Layne Ambrose
1/30/18 

 

One more thing before I go

How Ugly It Truly Is….

“Working is how life passes you by. Time itself passes you by. Relationships pass you by. It is only so long until everything passes you by and you are left with nothing or no one. There are so many aspects to this country and money seems to be the biggest one. We all have to make money no matter the culture. But what do we become when we make money our culture? We make the money match the time? Money can always be earned, but the time? Days spent unconscious as life passed by. So I can pay the bills on time, afford the drinks to keep me going, so me and mine can live the life we want to live. Which looking back was never the life we wanted to live. It wasn’t the life we dreamed about for ourselves or you. It wasn’t much of a life at all. In my opinion, life is nothing more than this ever passing time. Since as long as long as I could remember life has just been going on. Whether I was part of it or not. Whether I did the right thing or not. The amount of control and freedom you think you have is how little of both you actually have. Nothing is free. We all pay a price. Whether it is our bodies or the very soul we think we have. Listen to me rambling like the old man I have become. You didn’t come to visit me to hear the ramblings of an old man. You came here to make peace with yourself. Get right with God or whatever you kids call it these days. I’ll admit I like these visits except for your need to want to escape.”

He looks up from his phone, “Dad that’s not how it is.” He goes back to his phone. “Bullshit, you don’t think I’ve been you? Nothing you’ve done or said is anything I haven’t already done, said, or thought. The subject has changed but the words will always stay the same. Humanity is in an endless cycle. No two ways about it. The meaning of life isn’t to live it is to keep going,” I huff. “Have you been taking you Meds?” He asks the phone. “Of course I have been taking my medication. They don’t shut my brain down. If anything they amplify my mind in this useless shell of what I once was. Keep death from knocking on my door. If anything I should stop taking them. Haven’t you been listening?” Have you ever listened? My life has been wasted on this pursuit of nothingness.” I look down upon my wheelchair. Look at my broken useless body. “Here I sit telling you the same thing I was told by my father then and he was told before as well in what could be called the cycle of life. Since the dawn of time and maybe even before then. Hell for all I know the god damn animals are telling each other the same thing,” my voice raises. “Calm down. What’s the point of this speech Dad?”

“The point, the point is to not waste time. To not look back and regret the time wasted on needless things. If you are going to do something, anything, do it because you want to. Don’t do it because you are told too.” He looks up from his phone once again, “That’s not how the world works.” He stands up and pats me on the shoulder. “I’ll see you again in a couple of weeks. Let me know if you need anything.” He hugs me as he leaves.  It bothers me to know that he does it because he is expected to. Not because he could give a damn, but it is my fault in the end. Never was there always had something. Time is a beautiful thing until you realize just how ugly it truly is.

Yellow House, Brown Shutters

So this is what it is like to belong? Belong to a family? Feeling useless or pointless ninety percent of the time. Feeling awkward in a room full of people you tell half-truths too in order to feel superior or make them feel proud of you. Family is nothing more than a group of strangers pretending they give a shit. Society, in general, is the same thing. Thin little threads made of lies hold it all together until it is time to fall apart. My thoughts are my own but on some level, everyone in this room is thinking the same thing.

In some ways, I wish I could read minds. Not that I would have too in moments like this. More or less we are all the same even if we don’t want to be. We are all self-serving, egotistical assholes yet we can’t get along for five minutes of a real conversation or thought. When such a thing even comes up the room goes silent to the point that even a whisper is a scream because everyone is afraid to unravel the lie that we all get along.

Maybe we aren’t meant to get along? Maybe we are supposed to yell and fight and hate each other in the open? Maybe just how we feel inside is what it means to be human?

“What are you thinking about?” My Mother asks. “Nothing,” I take a bite of potatoes, “Nothing at all.”

“Don’t talk with your mouth full,” she smiles…