Watching The World Go By… In Ever Passing Moments…

The Plan

Feelings disappear into the light
Faded but always there
Moments in time seems to last forever
Seconds of thought, a lifetime of regret
Decisions made that can’t be undone
Another day in the life of someone else
Too afraid to take a step
Backwards or forwards there is nothing left
Feelings reappearing every night
Haunting me from the shadows
Crosses burning, signaling a fight
A struggle so unreal that it has to be real life
A thought that doesn’t cross empty minds
Time has a way or remaining all the same
People don’t change only the time and place
Lost in a cycle that can’t possibly end
Given up only to just begin
Suffering was always the ultimate plan

 

Mapping out how I would feel
Planning every occurrence that makes this unreal
A desperation so pure
A rotting life left with no cure

 

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Short post today… I’m not feeling today at all… which is an odd way to say that I am feeling too much… too many thoughts to make any sense… ever passing moment… there is a war inside my head… a battle to keep going on… versus a force that says lay down and die… dig a hole and crawl in… ever passing moment… self-destruction was never my thing… only a dream… locked inside my head… “Want to destroy something beautiful”… what is it that I want to destroy?… when I’m so ugly… scared… broken… the surface still… calm… chaos hidden from view… tearing my throat out… won’t shut up… tearing my soul to pieces… can’t give up… some part of me… still in here… in some way… waiting out the storm… ever passing moment… I’m only trying to live… 

 

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“This chicken is really spicy!!!”… My daughter… made me smile when I wanted to cry… all I added was a hint of pepper… little things that make no sense… change of mood… love her… even if I don’t love myself… comforting to know I love at all… 

There’s a Crack In My Heart That I Can Not Contain…

 

It’s been 27 years since this song debuted… a lot of shit has happened in that time… a lot of emotions have sparked and died… but does any of it matter?… Is music really that important?… Is a dead man worth remembering?… 

We are all searching for some form of importance… to our kids… to our friends… on the internet… through our books… and words… thoughts thought about and purged onto someone else… it all seems too much to take in at times… too much to process… but is it important?… I would hope so…

This song makes me happy… makes me want to get up and do something with myself… the song brings me so much joy, but at the same time so much pain… so many thoughts of what could have been… the realization that someone is dead… that there is no more music coming… a retrospective on who I am and what I want to be… a burden or a saint… 

Worshiping a drug addict doesn’t seem like the right think to do… but if he told me to jump… would I?… how much influence can someone really have?… as much as we let them… a guiding light… when it comes to the arts… we take certain things and separate them from the facts… it doesn’t matter what he did but what he has done… broken… the idea is broken… and I am broken right along with him… 

Kurt Cobain has influenced me… Nirvana has influenced me… and in the 27 years since then… they still do… along with countless others… his death was to me another crack on my heart… another fractured reminder that all my heroes are dead… and one day I will be too… 

 

“I have never failed to feel.”
Kurt Cobain

 

 

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Self Destruct… One Word At A Time…

Time ticks by without a name or face
What is it that I’m doing in this place
Lost and dying, I have no time to rest
All I want to do is lay down
Pretend that I’m dead
Peace is a word with no meaning
Who can go in such a fashion in theory
Never wanted to be here, never wanted to leave
Now the choice is up to me
Hope is something I once had
Now I have nothing never said I was glad
A feeling I once had
The world wants more than they let on
Taking a piece every day
Forgive me if I have nothing left
Forgive me if I gave it all away
Never knew any better
Thought this was what it was all about
A truth I can not speak
An idea I believe but don’t live
A dream buried deep within me
Straggling an idea
Choking at the thought of it all
Another drink and I will be
To far gone
A place called home
A place I’ve long to become
Lost words in the idea of it all
Meaning more than I’m willing to say
A thought stuck in my throat
Know that I gave it my all
Know that all of this
Has always been for you

 

Becoming immortal has its costs
Some pay in love, most pay in blood
A cost no one wants to afford
Though we can all pay out
An endless thought left out to rot
Lost diary no one cared to read
The times slip away
The words get lost
Yet somehow, some way mean the same
So many voice that don’t care
So many that do
Lost in the commotion
The idea drifts away
Hanging in the air
Waiting for their time
Waiting until the moment is right

 

Painting a picture
Means so much to me
An image buried in my mind
Just like the time I tried to die
A gallery with everything
I’ve been trying to say
Love was, never easy for me
Death makes sense
When you think about it
Giving up was all I ever needed
Wanted more but I never lied
Gave up the will
Gave in to all the things you feel
Emotional despise
Kiss your lips
Caress all that you are
I watched you die
I watched as you gave me everything
Smiled at the thought
Slaughtered all that you are
Choking the thought you could have meant
I thank you
Become you only to understand
I was never anything
Miss your love like I miss the sun
Not at all
Each stroke more than a thought
A line to keep moving on
Sing me a song 
Your voice so sweet 
Choking each note as though
It were my own

 

Tearing apart the world
Each word means something else
Hush your voice as I decide
What to do with you
My hands wrapped around your throat
My pain pushed through each finger tip
Have I told you how much I love you
Enjoying the silence
The solace of your voice
A digging emotion that I’ve tried to hide
Failure at its most definitive definition
I don’t hate you 
As much as I have always loved you
Hammer to a nail left out
Catching my skin against the grain
I’ve bleed for you
What have you done for me?
Sacrifice, never enough
I don’t want to own you
As much as you are mine
Body soul, sacrifice more
Give me what I deserve
A selfishness, a worthlessness
Succumb to all that I’ve told
A fantasy running through my mind
You are mine, you are what I say
As I do it, broken thoughts on nothing at all
Worship God. worship me for what I am
You think you have a choice
The choice was always mine
Know your place in my mind
Know that you’ve always been mine

Naked thoughts
Private moments
That told me
You are what 
I tell you to be
X rated thoughts
A whore amongst
Them all
If I told you
If I begged
What separates you
From my mind
Fantasy played out
Own, become, sacrifice
Shut your dirty mouth
Give me all that you
Will ever be

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Got a little dirty… swimming in the gutter… giving away more than I thought… pain succumbing to a though that doesn’t make any sense…  No one told me to be quite… shut my mouth… and open my eyes… pissing on all that you know… a flood of crimson… a flood of the color yellow… makes no sense… but does the pain ever have to?… a feeling lost among the lost souls… I’d give you all that I know… an empty mind with only one thought on the mind…  a broken vine… that reaches for more than a thought… digs at the soil… digs deep down in side… never satisfied… a thought that will only become… a way of life… swinging at the thought… coming up empty… am answer buried deep within… a life time to understand… a life time given only to become… dead… like the times… a history only meant to be repeated… smile because you’ve always known… you been doing it right… 

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This Might Get Weird… Real Quick…

So many thoughts coming across the screen… where to begin… when there is so much shit coming at me?… it’s like an endless fucking problem… that no one can figure out… I want to be here… but do I really?… do these things really matter when everything keeps moving?… God… I hope so… Lets start this train wreck of a post… 

 

Rethinking Reason

They say we all have something to say
The lights come on and the words fall out

Needless to say my mind is blank
My lungs bleed to my own stupidity
Frustrated by the every things that make me, me
If I could change one thing
I couldn’t just pick one
So, this exercise is stupid
Thinking about my problems is a waste of time
Stop me if you heard but I don’t care
They say we all have something to say
Well fucking say it already
Rethinking reason because what else was there to do today
When was I ever supposed to feel okay
Could you spell out the reasons
That I shouldn’t jab this fucking pen into my throat
Your silence says more than I ever could
Happen to agree
Happen to want the same things
Fucked myself by ever saying anything
They say we all have something to say
Who the fuck are they anyway?

 

 

If I Told You… Still Wouldn’t Believe Me… Truth…

Sucking on a tailpipe
Getting that feeling back in my lungs
You wouldn’t know
For a second 
Where I’m coming from
Driving the nail 
So deep within my brain
I want to feel this
Fuck you for trying to stop me
Call yourself a friend
A lover, a thing
Let me do it then
Care so much
Your hugs only make me feel
Ugly, stupid, useless
The pain was all I ever wanted
You think you’ve ever known
Why
How many times can you save me
From me?… 
How many times are you willing to
Die?…
I”ll take everything from you
The selfish fucking ass that I am
Suck you fucking dry
A word to the wise
I’d happily watch you die
You’ve always wanted to know
Who I am
Never shied away from what I’ve become
Embraced all the thoughts that make me whole
Always said, always believed
But it has been you that has been living a lie
Nothing more than flowers 
Left at your grave
What you’ve always meant to me
Could you ever believe the truth?

 

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This should go without saying… I’m fucking gone… every songs a reason to go on… rambling was all I was ever good at… a fucking pity party… your invited… but if you aren’t going to take a stab?… why the fuck would you ever show up?… If I Told You It Was So Easy To Lose My Mind…. would you ever believe me… built on the inception of a lie… built on everything that I despise… “Felt like destroying something beautiful”… stab myself in the face mentally… always nice to get away… regretting everything I’ve said… but who the fuck else would ever listen to me?… a psycho with nowhere else to go… a single trap… created by me… a grave I’ve dug myself… why the fuck most this ever go on?… 

A silence comes over me… a moment to understand… I moment to realize…  I was never good enough to be anything… never good enough to say anything… should have shut the fuck up and moved on… should have always been what I was meant to be… a useless fuck that no one ever gave a fuck about… a cog in the machine of life… keep grinding… only to realize… you’ve always been right… no one has ever had the balls to say you aren’t special… except my fate… drowning on dreams… that I could never realize… dragging my ass through the flames… if you think it matters… tell me what you think… I can accept the hate… but this fucking pain?… this fucking need to please everyone around me?… I am everything that I have ever needed… I am everything that I’ve always hated… Breathe in the fucking words… and accept that this is it… that this has always been me… 

Just so you know… This was all worth living… this has all been worth it… 

 

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The bass line alone… no one could ever be as good as this… no pressure… do what you want… but know it was all worth it… 

Why I Turned Out The Way I Did

Compound Existence

Everything and everyone wants something
I’m afraid I have nothing left
My contempt is more or less only guilt
There is too much in this world
That requires my intention, attention
Wish for a moment, wish for a second
Everything and everyone was smaller than this
If only I could forget, forgive
If only all the loneliness
Would disappear, into the ether
Into the wind
I fear for the safety, the safety of others
The tranquility of it all
Took over so long ago
Lost in the lonely, lost in the despair
Lost in all of this we hold so dear
This never ending regret of growing old
I’m growing old from all of this
Broken, endless feelings
Forgive to forget, sucking up all the regret
Pray for something more
Though I’ve always known better
Suffering through this compound existence

 

Think About Killing, But In The End You Won’t So You Feel Better

A swarm of locus, a swarm of focus
Insect or man they are all trying to get to us
Biblical times full of biblical lies
Welcome to modern life, something called modern times
Isolation, antisocial, self-inflicted separation
High anxiety, lost my mind
Not sure why it all has to rhyme
Gave up and now it’s your turn
Passing on these emotions to the next generation
Feel it all slip away, what have we learned
Giving a fuck means so much more when it is a lie
Welcome to modern life, some bullshit called modern times
World was so much simpler before online
These are my thoughts, these are my notions
No one gives a fuck about your emotions
More cat videos to consume our lives
No one ever wanted to be who they are
Only what they think they could be
Fuck it, you can have it
Welcome to modern life, some fucked up shit called modern times
Words of a lost generation
Ideals pin together against a make shift wall

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I’ve been really into Punk Rock lately… I hate the title… because every time I hear Punk Rock… I see some hipster fuck screaming it at the top of their lungs… I hate genre titles in general though… titles are fucking stupid… okay they kind of help… but why does something have to be punk?… metal?… rap?… why can’t it all just be music?… I feel the same about writing… I guess I just don’t like to be pigeon holed into one sort of thing… drives me fucking crazy… but I can’t think of a better solution… My life story maybe?… 

So I’ve been listening to a lot of MisfitsAlkaline Trio… dark punk?… fuck, I hate sub genres… short and sweet… that’s what I like about punk… about those bands… get in and get the fuck out… say what needs to be said… move the fuck on… I guess I’m in a “Get some shit off my chest” mood as of late… Normally I listen to a lot of Tool… an unhealthy amount… or so I am told… which is odd… I grew up on a healthy dose of fast… dark… quick songs… I remember when I would not listen to a song… purely based on the length of the song… teenage me was kind of an asshole… : )

Missed a lot of really great music because of that… found it in the end… but I always wonder what did I miss because of the length of a track?… best long song ever?… Dogs… by Pink Floyd… Though to be fair the whole Animals album should be considered one track… fucking genius… My friends in high school tried to get me into Floyd… saw those track lengths and pretend to hear them not speak… who has time to listen to a 17 minute track?… we all do… so take the time… before it is too late… might change your life… give it a chance… we like what we like… just don’t be an asshole about it like I was…

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Knocked the Wind Out of Everything

Stress seems to affect us at different volumes and different values. Not everyone can handle what it takes anymore. The time they change things even if the game is the same. Used to be about survival now it’s about living. About doing nothing. The goals were once simple. Now the goal is to convoluted, to simple to comprehend. It wasn’t that long ago that there wasn’t enough people. Now there are too many. Positive or negative doesn’t matter laziness still poisons the well. Today nothing ever gets done because someone else will take care of it. Someone else will do it don’t worry. Who the fuck is this someone else?

Oh, I forgot it was me. Forty hours a week to make up for all the mistakes, all the things no one wants to do. This place drags me down. Consumes me and leaves me broken. All I hear is complaints about the shit that I don’t do because I’m too busy doing everything else. Poorly managed is an understatement. I think they train them to be stupid. Ignorant to the task at hand. Most of them have never been me and I don’t mean in a figurative sense. I mean they have never done what I have to do, what I have done. Pull these worthless fucks right out of college. Cool you can read. I can read too. I can read the units, the hours, the labor, and all the bull shit. I can feel what they are saying and what they are saying is that we are fucked. 

I often wonder if I was dropped on my head too many times or not enough. Decisions are made with the littlest of thought. The thought process. “I’m going to need you to wipe your feet before you enter the mud puddle. Hate for the dirt to get dirty.” I need this that and the other. All I need is for you to get the fuck out of the way. Smile and lose your fucking mind. Lead, follow, or get the fuck out of the way isn’t just catchy it is true. Instead fuck ups happen constantly and the only way is to keep letting them happen. They have the staff so stressed out and paranoid that they run around chasing a chicken with its head cut off. Stop chasing the chicken. Come back when the damn thing is dead. I get that dinner needs to be made. Trust me I fucking get it, but the plates are dirty, the preps not done, and the pot is still heating up. We’ve got time. 

God forbid you communicate that said idea is a bad one. Excommunicated from the conversion from there on. Condemned until it of course fucks up then you are to blame for its failure. I try to stay out of it. To stay away from it, but they drag you in. They need someone to blame, to take the fall but I can’t let go. I hang on their every word. Loyalty buried deep within my very existence. Stupidity running right beside it. Trust no one and no one can let you down. If only I could live by the words that I preach. If I could live by the way it was supposed to be.

What happened to do the job? What happened to hard work? Gave a way to reward the weak and bury the strong. I see that it pays to do nothing at all, but I can’t stand by and watch it fall. To watch everything I have worked for go to shit. Watching it all fail makes me feel as though I failed. Whether I get paid or not. The world should not work this way, but somehow it does. Somehow the world keeps turning and all I can think is fuck it all. 

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I’ve lost touch with reality, with the truth… The harsh reality that none of this actually matters… Forgot the meaning of life is nothing more than seeing the next day… One day I will lose as we all will, but taking on all this stress is only moving me closer to that day… Not closer to where I want to be… Finding that balance can take a life time… Don’t let it… The sooner the better… In the mean time hug a family member… your children… and take a moment for yourself…

If the world isn’t going to work the way that it should… Why should we?… If we can’t beat them… do what they do… and do it better… laughing all the way to my grave… fuck’em… 

Not So Depressing Or Maybe It Is

This Misery

I pretend like I don’t need this
I need every bit, every piece
Of this misery
I pretend like I hate it here
But here is where I feel most at home
In this misery
I pretend like I don’t need this
I need every minute, every second
Of this misery
I pretend like I am better than this
In truth I’m so much worse
Then I give myself credit for
This misery may be all I have
Yet I regret every minute of every second
Every bit, every instance of this place called home
Disown my own self from everything that I know
The misery never leaves me
Sown deep within my bones, within my soul
Could this be all that I know

 

Stuck

Living in hell
Mortal damnation
Abomination
Salvation and all
That other shit
Stuck living in regret
Stuck pretending I give a shit
Stuck in a hole, left here down below
Living in sin
Immortal acceleration
Condonation
Salvation and all
That other shit
Stuck living in regret
Stuck pretending I give a fuck
Stuck in a hole, well defined
By the walls I have put up

 

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I hesitate to call this work, but it is. I put in long hours each and every day. With little to no repayment. Though in all fairness I’d be doing this anyways whether anyone was reading it or not. I do this more because I don’t think anyone is going to read it. A purge of the mind left some where in time. In a sense I think that this is my broken way of saying thank you. I used to do this alone. That is what I’m used to. Lately I have had to rebuild my broken thoughts and look at how I write.

I write from a fucked up book of past regrets. In other words a green binder with everything I have said in my head over the last three years. Before I started this website I saw this monstrosity as profound. After retyping and rereading everything I realize more than ever that I was stuck. Stuck repeating the same broken sentences, the same broken thoughts over and over again.

With that said I’m kind of lost as of late. How I write and what I say never had a deadline. It was something I did and walked away. No one was going to read it or judge it or care about it. That has been the hardest part of this whole experience. How much do I hold back? How much do I care what other people think? About what you think?

Deep down I pretend that I don’t care. In truth I do. I look forward to responses. I look forward to hearing what you have to say. I’m addicted to what my new friends are saying. It is a strange feeling. The past few years it has only been me. I spend hours a day reading all the posts from everyone. I don’t think that I have ever read so much in my life. I know I need to take a break, but I don’t want to. Pushing through is all I have ever known.

So things may be different from here on out. I’m sure I’ll still be an asshole from time to time. But I can already tell that I am different. I’m not that same as when I started all of this. What I mean is that you have had an impact on me and it is what it is. Which is why this will now be a political blog. Full of politics, conspiracy theories, and well in fact Wednesdays are switching from Broken Thoughts to Crazy Thoughts. We are going to get real weird up in here. So prepare your anus for that. You won’t believe the things that I believe, but just wait and see. Maybe I’m not as crazy as you think.

Just fucking with you… haha… the binder is done… last two poems… up top… going rogue from here and out… you know minus all the shit I have been writing in the last year… did you really think that I have been just sitting around… retyping all shit from the past?… well I haven’t… been sitting around the whole time… I’ve written enough stuff for a post or two… I’m really excited though to show off some of the stuff that I have been working on… some of it is different… some of it is the same… excited to go back and revisit… I’ve been posting some of it on twitter here and there over the last year… so you might see some stuff again…  a lot still in my head too… can’t shut this shit off… haha… well this is turning into a long post… Year Two Starts on Wednesday… well maybe… see how I feel… 

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