The fog is thick against my calloused skin An armor I’m supposed to wear with pride Ashamed to admit it doesn’t make me Feel any better about this life Experiences are all we are made of Cold and calculated Broken hearted Smile the pain away one more time As this life ticks away Every second one more reason Every minute just how it is A burn victim with no symptoms The skin fits tight against my frame Slowly living myself away Invisible scars are all I have To keep me warm at night Against the fog, against the pain We are all here to suffer Think I’ve earned my place by now
The whole thing has left me rather exhausted…
Easier to pick the body apart as it rots As she As she feeds piece by piece Picking apart all the things I thought As she As she tears me apart Still have crimes to answer for Just because I don’t say them Doesn’t mean they don’t consume me A constant nightmare played out in my head Easier to swallow it whole before it rots As she As she constricts my soul Choking me with all my thoughts As she As she tears me apart
I have felt worse things…
Chasing a new kind of enemy A darkness that surrounds me Storm clouds rolling in The thunder shakes the ground Lightning trying to strike me down A hate that comes from within Chasing storms as they roll in A new kind of enemy Hailing down upon me Tornado approaches Standing my ground No more running from my creation Suffering through a new kind of destruction Waiting out the storm that is myself
Things aren’t quite the way they used to be. Things change fact
of life and death. Even if we can change those facts like I have. Things still
very much change. I no longer know who I am or what I have become. I’m not what
most people would consider normal. Well to be honest most would consider me to
be eccentric. They always have from every moment that I can remember. Strange
not normal. Broken and not equal. Different in every sense of the word. They
were right of course, but I guess chasing endless winter is not most people’s
idea of a good time. Not most people’s idea of where I should be or what I
should be doing. But I like the isolation, the cold, the loneliness of it all.
It helps me think and that is all they really want from me in the end. They
want me to think for them. To create for them. Being out here in the nothing
makes me feel more alive than a room full of people sucking up to my money.
Yes, I am rich. Richer than most nations to be exact. To be fair though that
isn’t saying much considering most nations didn’t go with technology. The
choice was too easy to follow me, to invest in my ideas. Man is flawed in that
way. Self-doubt, too easy can’t be the right way. Must resist and so they did.
Investing in war and death. I shouldn’t have to tell you how that turned out.
But history, stories they are summaries of things we already know.
Turns out bombs don’t feed people or build homes or take
care of you when you get old. No, bombs only have one purpose and they do that
function very well. But robots? My robots? They can do so much more than kill.
Most nations fallen to the way side, disappeared off the map of everything including
people’s minds. The advancements were swift, they were quick. I discovered a
loop hole that we had missed. Any easy option no one believed to exist. Greatly
enhanced soldiers that feel no pain, targeting systems that can target any and
everything you may desire, and a defense systems so advanced that it would make
nuclear war less of a fear and more of an annoyance. Whole nations wiping
themselves out before the missiles even left the ground. Only took a few of
these “brave and fearless leader” to wipe themselves out before all nuclear missiles
were deemed obsolete. In fact less bombs destroyed whole nations then had ever
been tested in the history of any nuclear program. I didn’t just make the world
better. I saved humanity and everything with it. These were only the beginnings
of my ideas. Yes, my pockets were lined with dirty dollars of anyone who was
willing to pay for protection. This is capitalism at its finest. This is
everything that we once believed in. Things they change even if we don’t think
that they can.
What is left of Christianity would blame faith in false idols and other dated terms for what was coming. Yes, I am that old. Faith can come to us at any moment, but it can not change in an instant. It is enduring like that unlike nations. The faithful fought the next wave of advancements. Pushed my patience beyond their limits. I grew bored with enhancing nations to the highest bidder. It was time to take my ideas to the people. Take it beyond the surface of what I knew and go deeper. Humans are a flawed design. Boasting about how we are the greatest at everything. Spreading lies beyond the fabric of what we know to be true, but I knew with my help. I could make all our lies, all our fables, all our faith in ourselves. I knew that I could make them true. My advancements in nano tech and hybrid parts brought the revolution to the people. Put everything in their hands to do with as they wished. So long as they paid. So long as they understood what it was they were getting into. They didn’t, but it didn’t matter. Humans adapt to ideas they don’t understand. It is a slow process, but they accept the way things are eventually or they die off. Evolution sits as a theory, but the problem is we understand it better than we think. We accept it as truth even as we question its very existence. Deep down we already knew. We have always known what is that we are, where we come from, and how it will all go. There may be no all-seeing god, but something moves us to follow blindly. I will give them that. No one, not even myself can be as arrogant to not believe in a purpose.
The fall was coming. Everything I had created was going to
turn. Human history is riddle with stories similar to mine. Roman Empire, the Chinese
Dynasties, early man, and the list could follow us all the way to today. Life
doesn’t stop under the wheel of change. It grows stronger. Picking up speed
until we no longer understand what it is that we have created. A bump in the
road, a great fall, but this one was different. This one was not like the rest.
Unlike the falls of the past, the missteps that lead to something else. This
one changed the game. Changed the world and the human race. We moved past
everything we thought we knew. We became something greater than ourselves. The
ones that were left that is. The advancements I made in human tech changed the
game. We became one with the robots. Equal to my creations. Working side by
side until we cleaned up everything. We needed something more though. We always
need something more. We looked to the skies once again. Except this time we
knew that we were ready to face any and all challenges. No longer a dream, but
the next step in our evolution. My evolution, my purpose in this world. For the
first time in human history people are too busy thinking. Thinking of ways to
make everything better rather than how to destroy. For the first time in human
history everyone is thinking like me.
That is why I live here alone like this. That is why among other things I do what I do. I feel this need to distance myself from them. I feel this over encumbering need to be as far away from them as I can. The wind howls outside of my cabin. A few more days left of darkness and the chase will begin again. The world advancing by the minute and my wealth grows. The owner of this world, my empire, lives in near darkness studying the sky for the lost planet no one’s even hear of yet. Trying to make sense of my purpose in this world.
This fucking story… This story didn’t start out like this at all… the original draft was trash… an idea that I didn’t know was there until I looked a lot deeper… So I worked on it… worked with it… typed up the whole thing on my phone… had it all amazing… had it to a point that I thought was good… then technology and my stupidity fucked me… While trying to transfer the file from my phone to my computer… using all the great advancements that Google bestowed onto us… I lost the whole thing…
Back to step one… and I was fucking pissed… I’m still pissed and it has been over a week… still pissed and I have rewritten the whole thing for a second time… but it is over and done?… I just read it… why are you so pissed?… Who cares?… you are right but it doesn’t matter… I’m pissed because the story was vastly different… and how it was different I don’t know… but I know… I write by the seat of my pants… I write until it is done… I purge the thoughts and move on… so if it isn’t written down… saved somewhere… I have no idea what it was that I even said…
So… all that work… all that effort… gone in a flash… and like this character all I think about is progression… not going back… But I had to go back… I had to finish this story… redo this story… because I needed this story for two other stories in this cycle… woke up today… and got it done… It isn’t that bad actually… still pretty pissed that I had to do it again… but for all I know… it might have all been for the best… destruction and loss… may have all been for the best… or maybe it wasn’t… “Faith can come to us at any moment, but it can not change in an instant”…
Nothing changes, never stays the same The present is a waste Looking to the future Stuck in the past Waiting for something new The next thing that wants to kill me A waiting game sitting on my hands Hold me down by the throat if you must Force feed me the pills to silence Won’t make any difference to me Because nothing changes, nothing ever stays the same
Because when you are gone I remember every word you said…
Reflecting on my insecurities Possessive, needy How is it that I make you feel Obsessive, controlling How does it make me feel Dismissive, hating How is it that I make you feel Submissive, defying How does it make me feel An asshole in sheep’s clothing Decisions that you’ve made Won’t go away so, the feelings stay
Become something I’m not…
Drowning out the thoughts with repetitive words Replacing dead memories with empty things Has worked so far Because if I don’t I fall apart Looking at the cracks across the pavement Trying to keep the tears in place, buried in my eyes Drowning out everything with one more drink Replacing dead thoughts with empty ideas Has worked so far Because if I don’t I fall apart Searching for something more among the living Pretending I’m not dead, buried in my eyes Drowning out every depressive thought Hasn’t worked so far Staring at the glass as I pour one more
It all shatters right there in front of me. Glass, steel, two moving objects going at what feels like a thousand miles an hour. Was it? Is that how it really was? Everything so slow a miss perception of time and place. Memories shifting in and out of place. Two thoughts as though they don’t exist. Two people caught in time. There was more than two? I wasn’t driving was I? No, I was standing. Standing still as if I wasn’t even there. I no longer was there was I? I disappeared somewhere in myself. Took myself right out of there. Right out of my own thoughts and feelings. But I remember the glass.
It bounced off my face but I didn’t feel its pain. The
screams all around me with no sound. Faces moving in panic, mouths open in
horror, mouths open without any sound. The smell of tires and burning engines
but I wasn’t even there. Where was I? Where was I standing motionless? The
corner of sixth and Wellington. The burning sensation? The coffee in my hand.
Two cream, less sugar. I need less sugar in my diet. Too much sugar in the
coffee. Tasted too sweet, my last thoughts before the flood. The last real thought
before everything took over.
People all around me. Fingers bloody, I reach out for those
in front of me. Was I crying? The ground hard against my side. Everything hard
to remember. Everything a blur of thoughts and emotions. Was I sad? I was very sad.
No one to go home to. Family out of town and I’m stuck here working. Lonely, am
I alone now? Everything is so dark. Can’t tell if I am seeing or dreaming. The
merger did it go through? Important business and I’m late, but I stopped for
coffee anyway. So tired, so lonely without them. They went on holiday to see
our extended family. Parents, grandparents, brothers, and sisters. Family I
find missing more now than ever.
Out of town. Where out of town? The roses, Fedele’s roses
always smelled the sweetest. The smell of innocence and purity on my hands as I
hold the flowers. Was this real? Am I there now? No, I don’t know. I see them
now the flowers, but all I can smell is engines. The smell of gasoline. I taste
it on my tongue. Bitter like dirty metal, hot. Were they hot? Where am I if I’m
not there? Screeching tires, metal collapsing, and my ears still ringing. My
ears still buzzing with that hum. Am I alive or am I dead?
Is death just nothingness or am I only in between? So many questions and no one to answer. So cold like saline going in. Washes over me, that time I was sick. Food poisoning, bad chicken, not enough fluids in me. Am I bleeding? Why can’t I breathe? Try to breathe. Gasping but it’s not working. Inhaling but nothing is happening. A rush of pain. Nerves on end. Nerves on fire. My eyes open, flood of light, emotions. “Just breathe,” the voice says. “Just breathe.” But I can’t.
I often thinking of dying… unsure if that is normal… might be… is for me… though unlike what I write about dying… is not how I think about dying… often when I think about dying… I don’t think about anything other than the nothingness of it all… the idea that I can do nothing… say nothing… only watch as everything around me moves on…
The thought tortures me… burdened by the idea that it just won’t shut off… that somehow after death everything keeps going… bothers me… I want the world to keep going… I’m not that selfish… I just don’t want to have to watch it happen without me… without all the things I want to do before I die… left unfinished… to watch my daughter grow up… start a family… live her life… and all I can do is watch… at the very same time… the flip of the coin… I don’t want to think about how I will never see any of that… that it will all just end… that was me… and lets move on…
Death above all things… is nothing that anyone can avoid… I just wish I could stop thinking about it… fearing it… but then again… I’d be out of a career if I did… no one ever said I wasn’t complicated…
Loved you from the moment I met you Love you even now as you hold my heart in your hands I’ll love you as I watch you crush it into nothing I’ll love you as you set ablaze I love you because I do It’s not a feeling or a thought Not one moment or a life time Said I wanted to with you until the end of days By your side is all I ever meant to say That’s where I’ve always been Until you decided to walk away Wish I could pretend that none of this felt like this Feels like dying an endless death Wish it didn’t mean anything like you said But I’ve loved you from the first time we met
Life is full of surprises… Destruction of a person…
How many hits does it take to destroy a heart? More than you think Less than what you need
Standing in darkness avoiding all the light…
Bleeding for one Bleeding for control Lifeless, dead, nothing left Break me, I’m broken Hate, I’m hating Wait, I’m waiting Live, This is life Get the point? Because I’m not
Took a long ass time… finally closing the chapter on the thoughts from last year… almost all caught up on my notes… yeah… I write a lot… all the time if I can… mostly Broken Thoughts and poems… but I’m starting to write stories again… Not quite like riding a bike… unless you are supposed to smash your face into the ground while riding a bike?… Not sure… haven’t wrote a bicycle in a very long time…
Well I’m not going to start now so I’ll never know… what I do know is that this part of the thoughts is done… get them down and get them out… hope all is well…
Twisting me, turning me The waves swept me away With every breath, every gasp of air But the words already left my soul Losing everything only seemed right What I deserved After losing you nothing could compare Took longer to die Than it took to realize the words were always there The images play out But the words always remain The pain it must have took to tuck me in Cover me up with a blanket of lies Walked out to sea one last time To see the stars behind your cold dead eyes Took me in once, what is one more time? Prayed to something I don’t believe Offered my soul to take the pain away Had no idea, a price I couldn’t afford
To do is to suffer…
How is it that I can be so wrong While being so right God gave me what I needed I wasted it all on me Giving in was much easier Than I thought it could be Religion, religious text states Pride before the fallen A complete circle turned into a habit I miss you though I don’t have to A distant memory forced to forget Pushing feelings aside only to wonder why I’d kill myself to just relive it all again Jesus is said to have died for my sins Cardinal rules I was forced to break Now I’m broken with only a reason to blame You are more me than I am you
Not hung over… Just wish I had more…
Spelling out my love with the blood How much more do you need The debts are so profound Give you every last drop for a lifetime Would that be enough? What I promised could never be enough Or have you forgotten? Maybe it is you who should rethink What I mean to you Forever and a day was never long enough
The blood tasted fresh at first A sickening feeling in my heart Hands around your throat If this is love then I hate the taste The way you make me feel Dying inside, scratching at the casket The earth tasted fresh at first A sickening feeling in my head Broken neck syndrome If this is love then I hate the taste The only way it could have been Only way any of this ever ends
Killing off, cutting off the dead limbs…
So much pain Digging down, buried within Took everything to get here My soul, all the blood Still so far to go Getting up seems to be The hardest part Crawling out of the grave all along A home, a thought I created myself Blame those around me Forever lying to myself The thoughts come to me In a dying song my heart can’t stop Singing
So you think any of this matters…
Hollowed out soul Give me all of your shit Addicted to you Gun stuck in my throat Give me more I’d live but it is not Everything I thought it would be Hung over, burnt out All I wanted was to escape Came back running Too afraid of who I could be Without you next to me
I promises this isn’t becoming a thing… but let’s talk about that last one… It could easily be about a person… might even read that way to you… could easily have been about cigarettes for me… would fit right into how I felt when I tried to quit… but for me it was about alcohol… I didn’t get full blown addicted to alcohol… which is why I was able to write something so clearly… When I tried to write during the time I tried to quit smoking… it was dark… unclear… and I buried it all deep away… when I say it was dark… you know I’m not fucking around…
Addiction can be… is something… that a lot of us can’t escape… I wasn’t even that far along in my alcohol downward spiral… and I still think about it nearly every day… I think for me I was still in that “searching for a feeling phase”… not in “this is me phase” that I am in with cigarettes… point is I was able to get out from under alcohol… I can’t get out from the cigarettes… yes I am aware that is an excuse… I’ve made peace with it… addiction is different for everyone… some addictions are worse than others…
When I hear about people addicted to heroin… it breaks my heart… especially when it is people younger than me… it is a death sentence… not a matter of if… but a matter of when… I can’t judge… we all do what we have to do to see the end of the day… but heroin… pain killers… I’ve never heard… read… or seen any happy stories that end well with heroin… the sooner you seek help the better… never taking them is even better… I can imagine how coming off that shit must feel… and I know I wouldn’t even come close to how it really feels…
I get trying something… I get finding out for yourself… but there are just somethings in this world you shouldn’t fuck with it… I’m no fucking saint… no role model for the next generation… but staying away… seeking help… is all that I can say…