Digging Up The Past… Time To Waste… Vol. 3

Back for another installment of embarrassment… still stuck on the age of seventeen… and moving into to eighteen… Chewing On Glass presents… Time To Waste…


The person you are
Nothing means everything you want to say
Nothing (x4)
You are
Nothing means anything I thought I needed to say
Nothing (x4)
I am 
Nothing is what we are
Nothing (x4)
My everything

This was yet another “song” I had in my head… Nine Inch Nails inspired… 


I am, everything
I am, everything you
Want me to be
I am
Everything you needed me to be
I am 
What you fucking’ think of me


What Do You See

You convey
Every little mother fucking thing
You show me
What it is you fucking think of me

You fucking do this to me
You fucking show me who I used to be
You fucking do this to me
You fucking everything I used to be

Why won’t you let me be
Every little mother fucking thing
Why won’t you let me go
What is it that you think of me

(Everything, Everything) x2
I am everything you (Scream)
Need me to be
I am what you put inside of me

Okay so they aren’t complex songs… I have always liked punk for the same reason… It is… was… all about emotion… getting that thought or feeling out… this is how I feel deal with it… With that said… I’m still really into the chorus… I like the idea that the back up singer starts a chant… and then the singer answers back… obviously Nine Inch Nails and the Misfits… never really did that… If I had to guess that would be the Blink-182 influence I snuck in there… Which by this time… when I wrote this… I was too cool for such a band… Don’t be a sell out… blah… 


Movie Ideas
Zombie Film
Horror Movie
School / Drug Film (Would steal ideas from this for A Lie later in life…)
Cannery Row (Great fucking book…)
Future/ War Movie (This would be folded into War of 2012… Never released… I believe…)
Superhero Movie (Naturally…)
Documentary (Because who makes the above movies… then is like nah… I’ll make a doc…)

In high school I was very much into music… it was my life… all I talked about… all I dreamed of… but in my head it didn’t seem obtainable… a dream… at the same time I was really doing well in Video Communications… won some “awards” for different things… they were in school awards… but people were pretty hyped… figured if I didn’t make it in music… I could do movies… overtime… that drifted away… mutated… and became writing…

In truth I’m too controlling to be a director… but not controlling enough to tell other people what to do… I like that about writing… It is all on me… the only explanation that I really need to get my point across is the story itself… I don’t have to explain what is going on in my head with another person… I don’t have to argue why this shot needs to be this way… oh I have an idea about this… etc… I write it and either you like it or… I try again… 


Here I sit I write for you
But you’ll never know the truth
Every day I’ll wait for you
But you’ll never see the truth
Here I sit I lie to you
But you’ll never know the truth
Everyday I’ll wait on you
But you’ll never tell the truth



It hurts to open my eyes
The worlds on fire
You have let it burn
My eyes are shut
It takes its course

You’re not born but when
You are you’ll want to die

Its been taken away
Before it was given
You have been left to die




Always a blast… to revisit the past… not really… but sometimes we don’t know where we are going without knowing where we have been… life is a ride… well I’ll let the late great Bill Hicks explain… because honestly… I’ll just butcher it… 



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Broken Thoughts… Swinging For The Fences…

What the fuck am I even doing
Digging ditches called memories
It’s all pointless so why
Do I feel the need to cry
The reason to breath, fucking seething
Unhappy and I don’t know why
Pointless, but here we go
Another day waking and waiting
Here we go another day
Believing everything will be fine
Here we go one more fucking day
Feeling like this


Clapping along to a death song
I’ve known all along


Go ahead and smile
Really I don’t care
Stabbing you in the face
Will only be easier
Please, no, be you
Distant memories while I dance on
Your grave


Gearing up for the ass fuck of the century
A daily grind one upped every night
(Takes a bow)


Your insecurities rub up against me
A broken down thought, in need of a lobotomy
Toxic nervousness that surrounds us all
Thought provoking image drench in tears
Worldliness verbiage that makes no sense
You’ve gone and turned my mind inside out


“America’s problem is that we are so afraid of outside forces that we forget we are the outside force”…


I don’t have time to fail
A constant push to get myself out of here
Lost dream taken over by regret



I’m still on vacation… for how long?… no idea… but I will be checking in and out through  out the month… hopefully by December… I can get back into some sort of routine… What have you been up to?… How have you been?… Hope all is well… 

Layne Ambrose

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Broken Thoughts… Breaking Down The Forever Circus…

The sadness sinks in
A world with no reason
Broken hearted, left wondering
How much time is left 
To destroy


Drinking a death wish left to employ
I’d take you all if it means happiness
Selfish, I’ve always known why
So much easier to take away
Then live this shit day to day
Still hanging on anyway
Raise my glass we’re in this together now
Happiness has always been nothing more than
A thought


Emotions come and go away
Words are easy to say
Live?, another question to be asked
Who was I in all this madness
Miss you more than I forgot
They say so many things
They lie to tell the truth
What’s the reason, no reason why
Call it life, call it what you will
Doesn’t matter, how it is to die
Words spell out my life
Words say so much and then we die
Choking on so many things
The mind keeps going
An empty feeling of nothingness
Wasted gift, no one has ever listened
Swing and thinking
None of this even matters


People fucking die
And we wonder why
Depression is great
Then you wonder why
The good die for no reason


I’m fucked up and it’s all right
Human as the night sky
Who I am with no reason why
Forgiveness, holds hands with sin
Fight hell, fight the light
The truth is more than I can describe
Being human was never the lie


“Life doesn’t make sense. Madness? Well… you tell me.”
Cooper Jones, No One Ever Said This Was Free



A few repeats in here… not sure what I am talking about?… well then you don’t follow me on twitter… haha… that’s my one shitty plug for your attention… lets talk about real shit now that business is out of the way…

This week… has been a trail of judgement… that doesn’t make sense… a cross roads of the soul… no… a rite of passage… maybe… the last week has been a fucking eye opener… full of ups and downs… a blank mind… and wonder why I don’t just die… don’t read too much into that last line… death pops up in this empty vessel I call a mind all the time… nature of who I am at this point… normal?… probably not… but it is for me… that’s not what I’m trying to share… no… it is something way worse…

Something is miss firing in my brain… shocked?… maybe a little… I don’t know if it the almost decade of no sleep… who I was always meant to be… or a medical reason… so I will be going to the doctor… in the next few days… I know what I need to say… but I’m afraid… I know what I want to say… but I don’t want it to be true… so it is just easier to pretend everything is fine… honesty is not what I’m good at… telling people how I really feel… is not something I am good at… drag myself through hell to see you smile… is how I’ve always been… getting off topic… 

I suffer from anxiety… self diagnosed… if the smallest amount of change happens around me… a panic attack is sure to follow… been happening for as long as I can remember… I can live with that… because I have… I know what I need to do to… having nights believing I would die in my sleep… so I didn’t sleep… will do that to you… losing your shit because one too many people happen to be at the mall… so I leave… will do that to you… all of these things easy to avoid… easy to talk yourself down from… but the other day… I sat in this special training for my job… as I sat doing nothing… I can’t describe how I felt… I tried to explain it to my wife… I thought I was going to die… right there… no reason… Tried to talk myself down for hours… but the thought never left my mind… I sat there shaking… I sat there wondering if this was it… anyone with anxiety will tell you that’s all it takes… a thought… to set off a shit storm of what’s to come…

The feeling washes over you… the idea consumes everything you know… it isn’t normal… and I don’t know what to do… I know that I won’t die… heart racing a mile a minute… nothing is wrong with me… heart beating the fuck out of my chest… literally nothing is happening… and I know that if I close my eyes… that is it… the end… no more living… no more family… no more friends… and I’m not ready… I don’t think I ever will be… but right now… in this moment… I know that I’m not ready… I need help… denial isn’t working anymore… What that means for who I am… or what I think I am… I don’t know… and that scares me too… 

The truth of all of this… is that I’m scared… all the time… scared I won’t see my wife again… scared I won’t see my daughter grow up… scared I won’t make it to the end of the day… hell I’m scared I’m wasting my time of every minute of every day… some fear is good… but this has become something else…  so… that has been what has happening to me… things have been dark as of late… passing moments… or how it has always been… no idea… things might change… it takes time… or they might stay the same… but I want you to know that I give you everything I can… and I thank you for accepting me for who I am… for giving me everything you got too… we’re in this together… and I’m glad to just stand beside you each and every day… Life is about making it to tomorrow… nothing else… nothing less… nothing more… dark thoughts pop up… slip themselves in… but that is how I truly feel… that’s how I make it day to day… 


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Broken Thoughts… Fuck It… Its Your Problem… Okay Maybe Not…

Staring into the mirror
Wondering why not
The blade pressed up against me
Not sure why lately I’m not
Driven crazy, fucked at the thought
Common sense doesn’t mean shit
Drowning in my own life
Suffocating at the thought
That all of this must keep going on


Who put me in charge of anything
God doesn’t have a sense of humor
Fuck off
Gave me my own thing to destroy
Said look
I fucked up but here is your chance
To do the same thing
A running joke, that makes no sense
Drinking to try and forget
What I was even trying to do
Slash the wrists long enough
Something is bound to happen
Parenting not that far off
Smashing my head against a wall
Just makes sense
At this point

Purpose in life to die
Sad fucking state of existence
Fighting it every day
Where is the balance
When is just keeps fucking coming
Where is the savior we’ve been waiting on

Lost and it is just a thought
A rotting of the fucking brain
All there is
All there ever was
Was you and me
Let me be the first to say
I’m sorry


Dodging all the god damn knives
Finding my place in all this shit
Tortured what was your first fucking clue
Do this to myself
Smiling at the thought
What was the point all along
Breathing to breathe
Living because I was told to
Always loved you
But what was the fucking point
God or the devil does it matter?
When nothing has ever mattered
Me and you become one
Fucked yet we keep going on


It’s all so pointless…


No after thought… only this…

Torture me, torture myself
Fuck you
Gave in when I knew
It was all a lie
Made you up inside my head
As real as I want it to be
Choking on a thought
Chewing on glass
Who needs a reason
When there is a why


Drowning myself in shit
Smiling all the way down
: )


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Apparently inktober is happening… makes sense.. being that it is October… anyway… check out the awesome work… my friend Little Fears is doing… Hope you enjoy… I know I have been… Haunting my dreams… turning them to nightmares… 

Digging Up The Past… On The Edge Of Seventeen… Vol 2

Editor’s Note: I’m pretty sure these were meant to be songs… That’s how all this began… going to try to copy them word for word… but I promise nothing… 


Wide Eyed

looking deep through your eyes
I see the truth in your lies
the many lives you’ve lived before
you’re nothing without the dead

wide eyed
try, I eyed
miss my life
buried in your


Editor’s Note: Most of everything is going to look a whole lot like Broken Thoughts… Because well shit never changes… just gets worse… dear God it is all leaking back in…


Sins of lust, sins of greed
Sins of wrath, sins of envy
What the fuck is gluttony???
Sins of life, sins of death
Seven Deadly sins, no rest
Sins of life, sins of death
Seven deadly sins, no test

(I remember what this is about kind of… I was really into the Misfits… Okay I still am… but at the time I was too… so I wanted so much to be like Glenn Danzig… Short horror punk songs… etc… this one was about the movie Seven… apparently I decided I was bored with the idea… because I never finished it… missing two sins…)


Communism, prevampire Catholicism
Find me lost in botulism
Finally realize
You must fuck the ism
Fuck, fuck the ism



What did you come up with?
What did you think?
Who fucking cares

“Communism is nothing but a red herring”

One of them is bigger than the other one
And one is not a pig
Society’s views are not viewed clear
Another generation has lost its integrity

Cross multiply, cross multiply
The Christian mask you put on
Is false

“Some say why does a preacher need a nice house?”
He is the god child
haha, you’re blind

Cross multiply, cross multiply
Raise me upon your cross
Realize that you are wrong

(This one is inspired by Nine Inch Nails… and White Zombie… The quotes are from soundbites I had found on the internet… I don’t know where the first one is from… the second one is from a movie… my friends and I used to quote all the time… even at seventeen the hypocrisy of religion was a theme I would obsess about… I have no hate or ill fillings towards any religion… I just can’t stand this idea that I’m better than you… so it is human’s for the most part that I can’t stand… why ruin something beautiful with your selfish needs?…

I don’t know… basically you won’t find me in church on Sunday… but you won’t be seeing me burn one down either… if you aren’t hurting anyone… do your thing… you have my support…)


What you need I don’t have
Why keep asking
Why Keep demanding
To see your god would be too hard
How far would you go
To see something that you don’t know


Walk of the dead
Walk of the dead
We walk
Walk of the dead
Walk of the dead
They plague

Look into the eyes of the living
Fear is creeping up on them

Walk of the dead
Walk of the dead
There is nothing left
Walk of the dead
Walk of the dead
They’re everywhere

(Misfits inspired once again… Wonder what the title of this one could have been…)



Well that was fun… I have more from this time… I have no idea when the next post will come out… but there will be more… I hope that you enjoyed this version of Digging Up The Past… I’m off to be embarrassed in the corner… Until next time… keep fucking writing… 

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Don’t forget to leave a review… a like… a death threat… I appreciate… everything you do… to help me be a better me… 

Living With The Demon… Living With Life…Say Hello To Yes…

Drinking so you’d understand
Drunk because why the fuck not
Pounding away at nothing that makes sense
Never said I wasn’t dense
Fuck the rhyme scheme if it doesn’t make sense


Going to hate everything in the morning
Thought of you excites me
Meaning of life has always been
A shit box wrapped in shit paper
Flush it down, puke away the pain
Hate to tell you this
But fuck all existence
Fuck the words that leave you
Words to pass the time
Kill anything just so you’d understand
Choking down the parts of life
That make any sense
It might get dark from here
Please understand, this is only how it is
Suck a dick to understand
Worthless existence wrapped in a shit sandwich
I’m more dead than you could imagine
Hollowed out

Who the fuck are you to say
When you’ve had enough anyway?

Suicidal with a fucking plan
Choking on your ridiculousness
Dead to the world
Useless since this beginning

Would you still love me if
I killed all that you knew
Would you still love me if
I was all that you’ve known?

A hero among the wolves
Worthless, go fuck yourself
If you knew all along

Why does my head have to be so heavy?

A day without words
A singular existence left spent
Going crazy but I’ve been all along
Listening to songs
Thinking I’m not the only one
Waiting for a sign, waiting for something
To tell me I’m done…



Got lost in a tangent… a fucking thought… yes this is dark… welcome to my soul… the core of what I believe… what I deny to myself daily… I’m not as worthless as I believe…  I’m worth more than I’d like to admit… Don’t ask a question you are not willing to hear the answer to…. Life is not as pretty as you think…. smile this is what it is… 

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I am the Devil
I’ve always believed I could be


I’m drunk enough to not press charges…. 


Broken Thoughts… Still Swimming In Need…

Candles burning black and then red
The world wanted more so I gave what they demanded
An army of flesh, an army of broken bones and regret
Can you defeat what is already dead?
The fires rage on, with no one to put them out
Will they ever die?
Candles burning black and then red
Calling out for the devil, in pain
The world was never meant to work this way
Killing all of those people who stand in the way
Making a stand never meant anything
If I had a dream, buried between blood and life


Writing is on par with shitting in the dark. Something is happening just don’t know if it is going where it needs to.


I don’t know what I did
But I’m sorry
People matter, people bleed
Give you whatever you need
I fucking concede
Scream, hit me, whatever it takes
I can’t stand this trapped feeling inside my head
I don’t know how it got, where it is
I don’t understand why you abandoned me


“Nothing is as perfect as we want it to be”…


Digging out my eyes
And wondering why
The past defines more than history
Where we’ve been, where we are going
How we die
Time tells more than what to run from
Chaos breeds order, order will drive you insane
A pattern of behavior
No one cared so no one asked why
We kill ourselves
So dragging the lake
Looking for anyone left inside


“Destroy yourself if you will. A god doesn’t know when to quit.”


My heroes once said
“Who the fuck are you to question why?”
God doesn’t care
“What makes you so god damn special?”
Let this shit burn
Destroy, never question why
Give in, the devil was all there ever was
You are only as good
As all the things you despise
Chasing a dream and wondering why?
Chasing a fucking grave
All the things that make me go insane
Between heaven and hell rests a place
I have to call home


I realized while I was outside hating myself and the world that I hadn’t done a Broken Thoughts post in a minute… Maybe I will not be remembered for anything I do… maybe all of this will only be remembered by you… but as much as anything… Broken Thoughts… is something that I want to be me… to be mine in this world… I want you to have every one of your dreams… but this is mine… selfish?… maybe… hopefully not… we all need our place… If you write… keep doing it… if you read… keep doing it… if you do both… Thank you… 

Shattered dreams, Shattered thoughts
Who I’ve been all this time…


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Early one mornin’ while makin’ the rounds
I took a shot of cocaine and I shot my woman down
I went right home and I went to bed
I stuck that lovin’ .44 beneath my head

Got up next mornin’ and I grabbed that gun
Took a shot of cocaine and away I run
Made a good run but I ran too slow
They overtook me down in Juarez, Mexico
Late in the hot joints takin’ the pills
In walked the sheriff from Jericho Hill
He said Willy Lee your name is not Jack Brown
You’re the dirty heck that shot your woman down

Said yes, oh yes my name is Willy Lee
If you’ve got the warrant just a-read it to me
Shot her down because she made me sore
I thought I was her daddy but she had five more

When I was arrested I was dressed in black
They put me on a train and they took me back
Had no friend for to go my bail
They slapped my dried up carcass in that county jail

Early next mornin’ bout a half past nine
I spied the sheriff coming down the line
Ah, and he coughed as he cleared his throat
He said come on you dirty heck into that district court
Into the courtroom my trial began
Where I was handled by twelve honest men
Just before the jury started out
I saw the little judge commence to look about

In about five minutes in walked the man
Holding the verdict in his right hand
The verdict read murder in the first degree
I hollered Lawdy Lawdy, have a mercy on me
The judge he smiled as he picked up his pen
99 years in the Folsom pen
99 years underneath that ground
I can’t forget the day I shot that bad bitch down
Come on you’ve gotta listen unto me
Lay off that whiskey and let that cocaine be

The late great Johnny Cash… The bold lines are my favorite parts of the song…