But I’m Still Right Here…

“As below, so above and beyond, I imagine – drawn beyond the lines of reason. “

Tool, Lateralus

 

Death

I don’t necessarily fear death. Not in the sense that maybe one should. I know it will happen. I’m even okay with it to a certain extent. Part of life after all. If anything I fear dying too early. Dying before I’ve done anything at all. My anxiety about the whole thing keeps me up at night. Fuels my own perpetual destruction and decent into madness. I complain about working nights, but the truth is that I have always been up late. One of the reasons I first took the over night job. Figured if I’m already up I might as well get paid. Stupidity. For those of us who know. There is a difference between staying up all night watching movies and staying up all night killing yourself. Things only got worse from there. Because I let them. I let the fear seep into my soul to the point that I craved it like a drug.

There were nights. There are still nights that I relapse. That my mind digs in deep to the fear and madness. I have nights that I fear that I won’t wake up. Close my eyes and this, that was it. I fear the idea that I won’t be able to see my daughter grow up or that I won’t see my wife ever again. I fear their lose and their pain of not having me there as much as I fear the same for myself. I fear that I’ve wasted too much time doing nothing when I could have been doing more for them. For myself. It is a cycle that some nights I can not break and because of it I don’t sleep. My fear of death is irrational.

I fear these things because I will miss them. Because I am awake. Because I am here. But I’ll be dead so I won’t even know that I am missing them. I won’t know what or how they feel or what they are doing. It is not as though once I’m dead and gone I will have feeling or thought. But the fear tells me no this is not how it will be. I should be thinking selfishly, but I can’t about this. I know that they will be fine without me. I also know neither would ever say it or at least I hope. They are two strong and amazing women. They don’t need me but in truth I need them.  This rationalization doesn’t wipe away the fear because what if?  What if I am stuck on the sidelines missing every moment? Missing every chance to tell them I love them once again? What if there is a heaven and a hell?

Personally I don’t care if either or both of them exist. Either place could only be one in the same with different surroundings. Neither place would contain the things I will miss the most in this world. A fascinating fact that I can’t out run, can’t find comfort in, but only dread. Stoking the flames of my fears. There could be something else beyond life but it would only torture me with the thought that I am missing so much once again. That all of this was for nothing. Honestly when I die I want there to be nothing. I hope there is nothing. I want to rest for the first time in my life I’d like to rest. As I grow old I hope for immortality, I hope for more time to avoid all this what if, though the older I get the more I know it isn’t so. Do I fear death? Sort of, but really I fear growing old. 

 

Bloody Words Logo

Threadless… Shirts… Amazon… Books… Etsy… Art… Twitter… Thoughts

Nothing Like The Last Minute

Free Fall Into the Ground

Blurred lines between what is real
What I believe
Smoked too much today
Coughing up blood, coughing up a lung
Three more than maybe put them down
Given up on love because it gave up on me
A light burns on in the distance
Wonder if this is all that has come to be
End of the road, but I still see more signs
Can’t read the words
Know that they’re there from the blurred lines
Still waiting for the fun
The best years of my life and all that shit
Might have left it all behind without knowing 
Knowing may have been half the battle
Still stuck in the middle with no one after all
Miss my enemies more than missing you
Blurred lines of dreams and consciousness
Used to know which part of this life was real
Feels so fake it makes me sick
Given in too much has made me weak
Brought down off my cloud with a free fall to the ground
Never more satisfied than with my own death
Still breathing, fuck it all in the end

 

Chewing On Glass Logo

 

As the title says this was very last minute… lost track of time… I thought I would try a new logo out… it feels too big… a little redundant as well… by now… at some point… you could have probably guessed that this was written by me… Layne Ambrose… as it is my website… can’t win them all… hopefully I will have some new logos up pretty soon… maybe some that don’t state the obvious… no promises… be back on Wednesday with another exciting edition of Broken Thoughts… and maybe some news… at the rate in which I am losing track of time though… who knows… 

Threadless… Shirts… Amazon… Books… Etsy… Art… Twitter… Thoughts… 

Lips Turning Blue… Again…

Oroblram

I’m lost and going in circles
Never left this spot
Yet here I’m not
I’d give you what I know
But I know so little
I’m afraid it won’t do
Tomorrow though if I’m not dead
Past tense of course
Words are forever
Etched into our skin
Actions only a second
Recorded for all the see
Worth and concern
The two don’t ever change
Which is worth more to you
Here is my advice
Fuck off and see what happens
Working out just fine
Masturbating is the best sex you’ll ever have
Yet you still try to fuck everything that moves
Humanity at its finest
Haven’t you heard
We’ve got another day at the most
Secrets been out for centuries
Turns out none of it mattered
All the stress, the fear, the life, the death
Built upon an altar, built in the mind
I’m lost and going in circles
Spinning deeper and deeper
All of this I’ve done for you
Promise me you understand
Promise you know this too
You’ve always known
Hidden thoughts, hidden words
For my protection kept me hidden away
You’re welcome

 

Ready For This

I have a few minutes before I have to rest
Going down in a hail of gunfire, fire and brimstone
Going down to hell with a sense of retaliation
I could really give a fuck about your retribution
It is as though you did this
Created all this sad stupid shit
An infinite loop known as purgatory
Known as life
Following in the footsteps of Christ
Suffering is easy, its dealing with everything else that is too much
I’m okay with letting you down
I’m only sick of letting myself down
An endless parade known as time
Marching on, marching onto nothing
Writing my memories in blood
Across the walls of this all
It is as though you knew this
Lining up to take the fall
So ready for this

We are all martyrs after all

 

cropped-website-logo.jpg

Somehow ended up choosing two poems with similar endings… I wasn’t trying to do that… I found another one with a similar theme… then I stumbled on this last one… was too blinded by the last line… oh well.. can’t win them all… and yes… if you are wondering… I do have a fuck ton of poetry… but I am not a poet… haha… I am such a liar… 

Bonus line… didn’t fit in the first one… “Truth a spiral propagated by lies”… 

As promised… My soul is available on Threadless… Merch… Amazon… Books… Etsy Art… as always any review is a good review… 

Chasing The Demon Into The Night

Keep living inside my mind
Running out of lives
Doesn’t matter if it never did
How I wish I could only live inside my head
World’s full of liars, light a match and set fire
The bodies like kindling, it was only a matter of time
If I am God tell what reason I have
Sun comes up and then goes back down
In reality I’m just spinning around
Gouging out my eyes to see if I’m blind
Disabled and can’t be repaired
Searching the world for someone who really cares
Like you, God or man, just like you

 

Think About It

Even if it’s not
What would be the point
Of fighting if the outcome
Is the same as before
What is life worth if it is worthless
Confused, I don’t get the point either
Passive aggressive I suppose
My mind feels sick
Infected with thoughts
That need no answers
But I ask the questions anyway
Fuck off
Is that for me or you
I no longer know
Sure in time I’ll find out
Even if I was to give you an answer
It’ll never be the one that you want
Lost in thought, lost in translation
I’m flying first class
But I’m broke
But I’m broken
The money never changed how anyone
Felt inside their mind
The money only changed everything else
Would I still want it if it was free
It’s a trap, a scheme
To pull one over on me
Thank you for the advice

 

Desperately seeking vengeance against crimes I’m unaware of
Already spent the money of an imaginary existence
Overcoming the circumstances that I was given
Will be the hardest thing I can think of
Born in a time when everything was all wrong
The world’s been dying, something I inherited not had a hand in
Save it now or all this lost, forget the past and all that belongs
How soon is now is too soon to tell

cropped-website-logo.jpg

Been thinking a lot about order and chaos… how they fit together… the symbiotic relationship between the two… where I fit into that… who I am in relations to such a thing… the spinning circle that is life… been weighing on my mind as of late… I feel like there is a story there… a thought I am missing… and so I obsess… over such things… thought I would share where I am right now… 

 

Threadless… Skin Coverings… Amazon… Kindling… Etsy... Stationary Images… Twitter… Broken Thoughts…

Broken Thoughts… If Only…

Want to throw fuel into the flame
A broken down history of all the shit learned
Communication breakdown full of static
Laying in pieces scattered to the floor
So much easier to be thrown away
Starting over to protect
Beginning new layer by layer
The wall towers up higher and higher
Layer by layer the wall gets stronger
Bricks of emotions, feelings of disgusts
Won’t fade, can’t be pushed away
Locked inside here with me
My own depression
My own impression
Always meant to protected me from the fear
The wall is a weapon
I inflicted on myself

I can’t stand this American consumerism
But I don’t know anything different
Trapped in a wake of shit
Feel all the things I want strangling me
What I need surrounding the hole in my chest
Creeping in, digging deeper
We think we are so right with all our things

 

If Only I Thought In Words

Finding no more pleasure
Only pain
Every day is exactly the same
Doesn’t matter in the end
We all die
Pushing ahead against the stream
So sick of feeling starting to know why
Lost the ability to think
Lost my mind
No more room in there so to speak
The current is taking me
Only need a reason
Coming up blank
The thoughts haunt me even when I’m not awake
Drowning in the wake
Swallow my tongue, close my eyes, embrace the pain
Move on
Who doesn’t feel like this?
Shut your mouth and
Move on
Shut your eyes and
Keep going
So sick of faking this smile
So sick of knowing what it means
So tired of all of this
But most of all I’m so tired
Of me

 

cropped-website-logo.jpg

 

With scars so deep it’s amazing I can even sleep… 

The dark moments they pass
Behind closed doors
Behind closed eyes
Standing in plain sight
This too will pass

Threadless… Shirts… Amazon… Books… Etsy… Art… 

Calling Me Home… Calling Me…

If I Only Knew

Panic attacks are the only way I can feel
My own heartbeat as it beats through my chest
I’m so lost I don’t exist anymore
The feelings I once had I don’t have
Anymore
I see myself
Sickening, sickly, sick
I see myself slipping down further than I ever thought
A deep dark hole carved into a home
Locked away in a shadow, through the darkness
In myself I see
Always give myself one more day
This life is the longest day I will ever know
And starting tomorrow I’ll only have to let go
Who I am, who I’ve been, who I will be
My fears are only the will to live
My fears fade away as the day goes on
If it wasn’t for this need
Existence would be an excuse
March to my own grave
If only I had known
This would have been my home

 

Here

I’ll wait here
It’ll be fine
Said no one ever
And meant it
Nothing
Is ever okay
Thoughts in my head
Still not dead
Feelings breaking out
Peeling back the skin
Of my mind
I’ll wait here
It’ll be fine
Nightmares have never been dreams
Reality is a whole other thing
Something I can’t truly believe in
What if there is a God?
What if this is hell?
What difference would it make?
At this point
In this moment
I’ll be right here
It’ll be fine

 

cropped-website-logo.jpg

I’m thinking about getting into mumble rap… turns out I have already written several albums worth of material… today actually… what can I say… I am an overachiever… an asshole… and a genius in a genre I never knew I could have been apart of… which is why as of today… as of now… I have decided to retire from my mumble rap career to focus on my poetry and stories… Thank you to all of those who have followed… supported… loved me… through out my career… For those of you who do not know what mumble rap is… I am jealous… envious even… okay I am done being an asshole… haha… just kidding… see you all Wednesday… for Part 24 of the Asshole Chronicles… A Day In The Life… 

Threadless… shirts… Amazon… books… Etsy… art… Twitter… @Chew_On_Glass

Chutoro Dawn

We once said yes
We once admitted that love exists
Upon a time there was a me and you
Sixteen counts of murder
Forty five different sins
Had to come down to this at some point
Flashing moments that this could last
Fleeting idea that there was more to this
Upon a time, upon a burning body
Staring into each others eyes
Seventeen counts of murder
Forty six different sins
Had to be a reason this went on for so long
Young love seems so irresponsible
Lust only a reason to drive us on
Upon a time, upon your naked body
The blood drips and the love dies
Eighteen counts of murder
Forty seven different sins
Me and you until the very end

 

It was like praying to God while the devil stands by your side… Something was happening but not what you ever wanted…

 

Standing in the darkness
Staring right through it
Your body lies in pieces
A work of art 
Made of flesh and blood
Hacked off all the limbs
To prove a point
The darkness consumes me
I have to admit
I’m starting to like this
Laughing through the pain
Laughing right through it
Your agony was therapeutic
Chaotic and to the point
Getting right down to the core of it
I’m starting to understand who I really am

 

We get lost in all these stupid fucking words… These endless conversations about nothing that when something important comes up… We are at a loss for words…

 

With marked bullets piercing my chest
There can be no rest

The wicked have fallen to the saints of all things
The lie spread through religion
The lie living within us all
Flames rise up, surrounded by a wall of fire
Breaths become shallow, inhaling the flames
Devil broken, beaten, and gone
The evil lies within
The evil consumes the meek
Massacre in the streets
Blood rises with the tide
Full moon catharsis
Pray for lies to become truth
Pray for soul
All you know locked in a book of lies
Locked away deep in your mind

 

The Ungame turn…. fuck I don’t know anymore… “If someone were to write a book about you… What do you think they would call it?”…. How Much Time Do You Have?… haha… actually it is titled… Fuck… I Hate It Here… one day I will finish it… one day… I keep telling myself… 

Threadless… shirts… Amazon… books… Etsy…. art… Thank you to all of those that support me every day… 

Chewing On Glass Dog Theme