It's Going to Be A Second… Broken Thoughts…

Took long enough to come to this conclusion
Moments in time spent finding peace in chaos
Nothing was ever going to be enough
Carrying the answers with me all along
Going back to the beginning
To figure out where I am
A slow march to death
Pick a path and see where it ends
Ignoring sign after sign
What if any is the meaning of words
If you don’t know what they should mean
Rambling in the dark, rambling to myself
Believing was always going to be
The thing that brought me back here again

Addicted to what I’ve been told and not what I know…

Suffocating under the weight of everything
The natural progress of
Hating myself from within
Digging my way out of an endless grave
Piece by piece, brick by brick
Been building the tomb I’ve always envisioned
A monument to pass onto the next generation
So they can do everything that’s already been done

“Maybe because sometimes someone wrote every sad song that they could.”

Pumping poison through the vein
A constant heart beat
That defines me
The difference between living and dead
Carry my thoughts with me
Every where I go seems to be no where at all
If there’s a constant here
Could someone please point it out
Never polite to point
Even while staring into a mirror
Blame everyone I see
Staring back at me through the shadows
That define me

Now Available On Amazon

Two Stories… Two Poems… and A Whole Lot of Thoughts….

Paperback and Kindle

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Broken Thoughts… Sinking Deeper…

Bowing before the evil laid out
A master plan with no eyes
Built upon treacherous lies
The master is the power
Power by thy name
We continue to follow a path
Built upon sin
Smiling as we skip along
Oblivious to what we have done

Light headed and passing along…

Setting the world on fire
To see you burned by the flames
No one ever told me
It was the same as living
Everyday
Sinking down in the ash
Think I’d forget what it all meant
Be wrong to think you’ve
Ever known anything
The rain will come
Take away the memories
Broken thoughts and heartbreak
The rain will come
Wash you away from me
The rain will come
Resetting everything
They’ll remember me
Because I won’t let them forget
Carving my place in the ground
The sun will return
And cleanse us all

While the depression only grows…

Locked inside my head
I’ve never questioned
Why I wanted to be dead
Looking past the reflection
Blurred lines of what I observe
Scratching at the walls
The scars hurt, scars aren’t small
Locked inside my head
I’ve never questioned
Why I am the way I am
Hollow shell with nothing left

A lot of thoughts burning through my head… banging against my skull… what am I going to do with the rest of my day?… still plenty of stories to edit… post… work through… videos to make… things to do… not sure what it is I want to do at all… take a break… get something to eat… push through all of this… push past the need and succumb to the want… haven’t already… what is one more…

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Something Different…

Misconception of Myself

Getting me down was never the difficult part
Brining me back from the edge
Going to take more than a few words
Let me die, only to do it again
A cycle on repeat
Broken switch called me
Thoughts and feelings in a blender
Puree
An emotional wreck
Starting to understand
Walking three feet in these shoes
Try not to kill yourself with the effort
But at least I have my health
Mentally been fucking gone
Talking to myself, I can ramble on

Getting me down was never the difficult part
Written down instructions, tattooed inside my head
Easy to follow with only a few words
Let me sleep, only to do it again
Another drink from this endless bottle
Broken need called me
Tapped
An emotion bonfire
Starting to understand
Walk three feet in this crooked spine
Try not to do too much
The effort will surely kill you
But at least then you’d know
What the hell I’m talking about
Because no one seems to

Getting me down was never the difficult part
Been lying here the whole time
Face down in the concrete
So glad you found me
Another victim to attach myself to
Broken feeling called me
Running out of reasons I should quit
Pureed, tapped, given away
Starting to understand
Everything I forgot
Three feet in this soul
Try not to run away
But at least I’m still breathing

Been Waiting Here For You

You’re no good for me
I need someone with some light
These shadows have been nice, for a time
Hide all the knives
You know the ones you stuck
In my heart
Kiss my lips and call it love
Pulling each one out with the hope
It will end
Kiss my lips and tell me what it is
No good for me
Not good enough
Not even the same
A home was nice for a while
Hides all the lies
You know the ones you stuck
In my heart
Kiss my lips and tell me I’m fine
Reliving each broken memory in hopes
It will end
Kiss my lips and call it what it is
Come on you knew
Longer than anyone
Strung me along
Too scared to pull the trigger
You know the one you stuck
In my heart
Let’s not pretend to forget
What it is

Pretty personal… pretty sad… dark… falling apart… better… healed… a distant memory… will always sting… but little by little it will go away… That’s all I have to really say about these two…

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Broken Thoughts… This Is Where I Found You…

Waiting these feelings out
Digging a hole in the ground
Chiseling out the words
That will define me
Heart no longer beating
Got to keep moving
Crashed too many times to make sense
Burning
Loved you most when I knew
Your hate wasn’t a thought
But the truth
Wandering down a winding path
Destination no longer in the past
Watered down drinks
Dismissive, unclear adjectives

Feel like I’m suffocating in a room full of windows…

This Is Where I Found You

Cold wind blows in
A heart of steel and glass
Shattered pieces blowing in the wind
Eyes full of pain and tears
An endless idea of everything I bring
This is where I found you
As I watched you die
By my hand
By my thoughts
By my loneliness
Cold wind blows in
A heart made of dirt and sand
Shattered existence blowing in the wind
Hour glass full of time
Slipping from my hands
This is where I found you
As I watched you slowly drown
From my hands
From my thoughts
From my loneliness
Cold wind blows in
A heart made from the dead and the living
Shattered existence blowing in the wind
Head full of unrealized thoughts
An endless idea of everything I have
This is where I found you
As I watched you try to live
By my hand
By my thoughts
By my loneliness
There is no place you shall ever be
By my side and everything you’ve meant to me
Kill you as we slowly die
The demons always coming from inside

Why climb a mountain if you can walk up it…

Busy chasing ghosts
Let the dead go
Dead, dying, some sort of living
Let the dead sleep
They deserve what little peace
We can give them

Going through my notes… for the next couple of post… dark storm clouds are rolling in… feel like I am reading from a script… Not sure how the next few posts will be different from any other day… thinking of taking up a job as a weatherman… weather person?… I’m joking of course so, I don’t care much for being politically correct… offensive?… what do you come here for?.. coddling the sack is not how this all started… driven to a point where I’m willing to insert the shaft… this life style is not for the weak… but for those of us that have shit to do today… a constant grind… one more post and then I can be done… a lie I tell myself so I can move on… another day… another year… I’ll always be willing to rot here in place…

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Broken Thoughts… For Your Sake I Hope This Goes Better Than In My Head…

Breaking glass
The water is creeping in
Head on collision
The water will always take
What is mine
Cracking foundation
The ground is caving in
Breaking through
The ground will always swallow
Me whole
Everything in this world
Is coming for me
Black cloud hanging
Begging me to come in
Desperately trying to fight it off
A losing battle in my head
Breaking me down
This is all it ever was
A thought I couldn’t give up

Cynical… Obstructive… Hypocritical…

In my spare time
In the absence of thought
You are all I can think of
Past, present, and this
Prison sentence undeserved
I still serve, afraid of the answers
Finding them, hammering at the chains
That still bind us together
No longer a time or place
Here and now
Chipping away at all the thoughts
Caged inside my mind
What did you really do
When my back was turned
Fuck your lies
It’s time, the truth, set me free
From this waking nightmare
In my mind
So sick of wanting to die

All my heroes killed themselves… Literally and figuratively…

If only everything wasn’t trying to kill me
If only all of this would just do it
If only life wasn’t so hard
Caffeine is rotting my brain
Can’t stay awake
Nicotine is taking my lungs
Can’t stop the shaking
Alcohol is making me crazy
Can’t change anything I’ve become
If only everything would go away
If only all of this would be okay
If only life was never this way

Well that got depressing fast… not even having a bad day… did at some point though… proof in the words that came out… can’t take one hundred percent credit on that last one… I was… still am listening to a lot of Queens of the Stone Age… that last one was inspired by two of their tracks… Feel Good Hit of the SummerIf Only… and everything I was going through at the time… If Only was the anthem that got me through most of this last year…

I know I said I finished all the thoughts from last year… but I found a few more… shouldn’t be a thing… pick at scabs… tearing open old wounds… seems to be a common theme around here that I’d like to ignore… but like maggots on a corpse… I’m just some how drawn to them… feeding on all the thoughts I try to ignore…

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Broken Thoughts… Rocking The Microphone With No Panties…

Sunken days spent with words I don’t know
Bogged down by the weight of your body
Dead and bloated by all the lies
Kisses from the underground
Scared lips trembling
The trepidation comes from within

It’s a long walk to hell and no one is willing to do it alone…

Blinking lights in the distant desert
Broke down on the way to nowhere
How I miss heaven
A lonely place I’ve never known
Heading north with everything
Still left to go behind me
Look how far I’ve come
Going no where at all
A sinking feeling left out in the sun
I’m drowning for no reason at all
Still trying to live even after all this time
Never quite learned the reasons why
Missing home despite all the things
I despise
Unwelcome, untethered, unable to explain
All the reasons to my isolation
Blinking lights in the desert

It’s not that hard to pretend… Just keeping it up is such a bitch…

“That sounds like modern slavery.” Shrugs, “Anything can sound that way if you look too deep into it. That’s not the point. If you are worth anything someone will find a way to exploit it.” Smirks, “That wasn’t the question. The question is how much are you willing to give? But hey in the meantime you get to be a fucking superhero. So you know good with the bad I suppose.” I finish washing my hands and go back to work.

What works for one doesn’t work for the other… Like a fucking Band Aid… I’m just trying to hang on…

Prepared for the worst
Prepared for nothing at all
The knife goes in
Without any resistance at all

Never cared you were only bored…

Looking away from the crimes of others
Focused solely on my own shame
My place in this fucked up mess
Who am I if I am not me
Starving for attention, bleeding from the brain
Rags to riches only to complain
Life is such a worthless place
Carry the burden of a thousand sons and daughters
People whose faces I have never seen
Couldn’t recognize me or the time and place
Lost in their own little worlds
Absorbing their belief in my faith
Shallow but right on point

Couldn’t get away fast enough…

Poison into the vein
Makes me feel sane
Tapping into something new
My newest addition
To the same fucking thing
The anger consumes
All that we know
The rages fuels
All this bullshit
Wrong, it is your fucking
Ignorance
Head so far up your ass
Hard to tell where you begin
And where you should end

Took those panties off on this one… haha… funny to maybe three of us in the whole world… When There’s No More Room… is over and that was that… Big plans for the next section of my plan… which means I will be out for a moment in time… taking a real break this time… a lot of false alarms… but I need to get my shit together… put it in a box so to speak… haha… funny to maybe one person in the whole world…

So this isn’t good bye… or so long… just a moment in time… Thoughts in my head… should be back by July… but I’m really shitty with time… baby I can’t quit you forever… next project should be more organic… a little more put together… compared to week to week… I’m excited about the next project… despite not having any real plan… riding by the seat of my pants… asshole swinging in the air… haha… okay that was only funny to me… thank you for riding out this dark time in my life… but lets forget that shit and move the fuck on… : )

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Broken Thoughts… Got A Lot Of Things Going On In My Brain…

Processing the idea of such a
Peaceful existence
The calm before the storm
Trepidation fills me
As I inhale
Slowly walking down a path
There never was no turning back
A false promise promised at birth
The lie I have always lived
Being a better person
Is more than just believing
Sacrifice everything only to end up
With nothing in the end
What was ever the point?
Why would you ever try to be anything?
Feel as though I’ve missed the point of everything

Ashes in a tray…

The flickering light mocks me
The darkness seems so much more
Appealing than the light
This depression is sown into my bones
The sadness grows with every breath
Taking this was never the problem
Only a symptom of being me
With no reason I push on
Ungrateful to be so grateful
Judging by the judgement
The sympathy of the times

I’m left feeling so incomplete…

The late nights got me thinking
Maybe there’s more to this stupid thing
A feeling wrapped in a trap
Broken and forever forsaken
The life I’ve created got me thinking
Maybe there is more out there
A failing thought in a concussion
Fractured and forever suffering
The isolation has gotten me thinking
Maybe there’s more to this stupid thing
A sinking feeling trapped within
Simplistic and forever repeating

There are no innocent when we are all deemed guilty…

Breaking through the ice
So thick
A sledge hammer of sound
Sledge hammer of pain
No one ever asked me
I’ve just always wanted the escape
Freedom never meant much
Until it was taken away
Chipping away at the restraints
A freak without a sound
Freaking out without the pain
Told me everything would be okay
Why have you always felt the need
To lie to me

Tried to hit every base with this one… nothing ever really shuts off in here… it is annoying but what else am I going to do?… bored today… did some yard work… still bored… did some writing… obviously… still bored… play some video games?… probably be bored… could read but I don’t feel like doing anything… riding out the day until it is over… if I never make it… it won’t be because of anyone around me… not motivated enough today… that’s more depressing than the depression… rambling on else where…

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Broken Thoughts… Living Until… We Lie…

I’m fat, I’m ugly
Cutting out all the things
That make me, me
What am I  without the flaws?
I’m stupid, I’m useless
Tearing out all the things
That I believe to be
Who have I been all this time?
I’m weak, I’m disgusting
Ripping out all the things
That I allow myself to be
How could I ever justify going on?
Just do
Cutting, tearing, ripping, destroying
The very things that make me, me
Why would I ever cave?
When the demons live inside
This very skin
Where do they live, where do I begin?

It was a nervous breakdown not a redemption

Did you ever really love me
A thought I hold deep down inside
A lie you’ve told time after time
The answer has always been lost in your eyes
Tip of your tongue, between your thighs
Guilty thought I’d never let die
I will ask one more time
I need the truth
So lie to me
Did you ever really love me

“It’s not as though I’m going to cut open your asshole and stick my head in. But I might.”

You’re so quiet
The words must be behind it all
Tearing out my eyes
Don’t care if I live
Only want to die
Kisses from beneath the ground
Hugs, I’ve always been
Everything you’ve despised
The only thing that makes any sense
Is that I am the end of everything
Smiling and I will destroy
My life for your ill will
Eating your heart
Because you already took mine

All over the place today… turning in my own grave… thoughts are endless… stay in the house because if we are all afraid… then it will never go away…

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Broken Thoughts… Pretty Good Idea…

This is the end of everything
My ever need
Bury me
A grave with nothing to say
Say my name
Devil inside me
Destruction at every turn
Living in a world that couldn’t sit still
I’ll bring you everything you need
Screaming in place

Can’t see the words through the blur

Hangman’s noose
Judge, jury
Hate myself more
Than anyone ever could
Punishment for sins unknown
Woke up into a world of shit
Born into this skin
Wish I could escape somehow
Every attempt leaves me feeling
Wishing I was dead
Screaming in my skull
Dragging this body around

Spilling shit all over myself

In the shadows becoming something else
The trick isn’t as exciting when
You know the process
Down right depressing
If you only knew
You’d ask me to stop, give up
Save yourself you’d say
Who would I be anyway
Giving away everything
Save you for myself

I need to stop listening to sad songs…. bringing out the best in me?… unlikely…

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When There Is No More Room… Part 5…

It happened again today. One of the patients tried to escape. “Couldn’t take the devil for one more day,” she screamed over and over as she tried to squeeze herself between the broken shards of glass and the bars of her window. The hospital board will want to know what I’d call it. A suicide attempt? A condition of her psychosis? What can we file this under? “How doctor do you explain what is going on?” I can hear them asking me. Even as the staff rush to help her with her many wounds. Even as she is bleeding out all over the floor. How do I explain this?

How does one explain to someone who is not here to witness this behavior day in and day out? How does one justify this as a normal everyday occurrence? One doesn’t. That one who is me must lie. Make an excuse to how such a patient ended up with gashes all over her body. Because the truth in this matter is irrelevant. A broken brain, the devil made me, and feelings of sadness are not answers to the questions they will ask. The bleeding slows and the staff lift her up onto the gurney. She will have to spend sometime in the medical warded. Heavily sedated of course. Which is the only reason I have to even bother with any of these incestuous questions. Money is all the board cares about. Had she hit her head? Well who would have noticed the difference? I know I wouldn’t have.

Why is it always the low risk patients that cause the most problems? More restraints maybe? I have my own questions that need to be answered. When she heals up I will have to find time to ask them. Until then it is on to the next one and the next one after that. I’m locked in here with them. I know it seems as if I can leave the confines of this place but illusions often seem real. Every day is a repeat, a trap in which I can not break free. Each case, each patient, each dark secret of the mind only makes the nightmare that much worse.

A man of science is no more trapped than a man of faith.One in the same forced to go on two separate paths that no matter which is taken come to the same conclusion, death. They don’t teach you that in school. No life teaches you that over time. Holds your head down under the water and demands answers to questions you could not possibly understand. I envy the others here. The staff and the patients as they do not seem to notice the path they have chosen, or perhaps they have without ever really knowing? Too many questions. The mind is a locked box in which I am expected to pry open, expected to break, fix, and replace. Maybe in the end all I have broken is myself?

Still haven’t done a cool image for the story… working on it… I’m not though… I just believe that I will… and I am…

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