Chewing On Glass Presents… Fact or Fiction…

“I know your life is a never ending nightmare full of horror and deceit. I know you are often at odds with yourself and this horrid thing called life. Every morning is filled with contempt as you have this endless debate on whether or not you should kill yourself in your shower or while your K-cup brews or in your car that is neither new nor old but works just fine. These things I know because I’m sitting right next to you. These things I know because I’m looking at the same things you are. These things I know because we share the same eco-friendly renewable water source in the same god damn forsaken city on the banks of some form of water. I know all these things, I think all these things because I too live a life of perfect balanced, zero struggle life know as modern society. Chances are we think the same exact way but out of pure boredom let’s say I don’t. Because we have to be different in this world. We have to be special when it comes to things like this in life. Odds are against us though. Dictated by our most basic thoughts. Experiences we believe to be different, unique in and of themselves. We went to the same school, learned from the same books, ate the same shitty food, and lived near perfect replicas of the same life. Let me guess you played doctor? Let me guess you owned a copy of GTA 3? Let me guess you couldn’t catch’em all on paper or digitized? Let me guess you thought you were special? Well you’re not, you and I are more alike than you and I might think. We are so close you and I that we could be one in the same. Chances are we are in fact the same robotic, institutionalized, modern guilt individuals walking side by side right now. We could say hello to one another but we won’t. We could relate our dream suicide scenario but we won’t. We could discuss just how much we actually hate each other but we won’t. Because what’s the point? Why tell you everything you already know? Why bother letting you in on our little secrets? We all have secrets, guilty pleasures, they are all the same but we have them. We imagine that they are the little things that make us different. That the tidbits of information we hold dear separate us from fact and fiction. When really there is no such thing separating us at all. We live a life of fact and fiction. We live a life of knowing we are the same, fact. We live a life thinking in some way we are different, fiction. We live lives that are exactly the same. We fuck women and men who are exactly the same. We blindly follow the dumbest of our kind because we know that they are the same. We read books and stories, watch movies and shows on people or about people who are exactly the same. Like you I will do nothing to change this. Like you I will be proud of what I have become. Like you I will ride this life into the ground hoping for something better but being served up the exact same thing. There is no difference between animal and man we were put here to do the exact same thing, suffer until our last dying breathe.”

“What an interesting report Timothy,” the teacher calls out from behind her desk. “Not quite “A” material but informative all the same in its own way. Go ahead and take your seat with the rest of the class.” She shuffles some papers. Disheveled herself, “Umm, if we could have Stephanie, Stephanie Keaton come up next.” Stephanie gets up from her seat and takes her place at the head of the class. “Now Stephanie why don’t you tell us something fun you’ve learned this summer.”

At least Timothy knows what the hell is going on… this twist was a last minute addition… one added without thought… the best kinds… been a while since I wrote this… but I’m sure this was meant to be some big speech… some epic quest to prove to myself… prove to everyone… the shallow pool we inhabit… I think it worked… even if Tim Tim has a long way to drag his corpse… I think there is something inherently interesting behind the idea of a child rattling off dark thoughts…

Something hidden beyond the surface of innocence… maybe because at times I feel like a child trapped in an adults body… screaming… this is fucked up… and being greeted with deaf ears… No one cares about anything until it starts happening to them… until it is too late… and then… well then it doesn’t really matter does it?… by then it has become the new normal… something to add to the shit pile… and something to embrace… to accept as part of life… well that wasn’t at all fun Stephanie…

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Get Ready For Winter and Show Off Your Love of Cats… or Glass… Whatever You Are Into Is Fine With Me…

Until we meet again… I hope all is well… Thank you to all of those that read their way through my mind… thank you for all the support… big or small… Take care of yourself… keeping working towards your dream… and I’ll see you back here once again…

Ambrose

Pressed Against The Wall… Seeping Into The Cracks…

Slowly

Carrying the weight of our souls
On my back through this living hell
I wish for more
But all I get is the same
Carnivorous, carnivores
We eat our young
Shit out the old
A machine made of razor blade teeth
The cycle won’t end
For fear that all will be lost
For fear of death
For fear of something different
We think that we know everything
We know nothing beyond the idea of despise
The fact we can breathe
Is a miracle in of itself
Embrace this, embrace it all
With an open heart and closed eyes
See where it takes us after all
Slowly declining such a sad existence
Slowly inhaling
Slowly exhaling
Slowly breathing this all away

 

One Piece At A Time

Against all odds
Pulled it off
But lost it all
If you think you know
You learn to find
You know nothing at all
The importance of thought
A grain of sand
In a giant tidal wave of shit
You drown in it
You struggle threw it
But in the end
You only learn to live with it

 

A Place Called Home

Slowly killing myself
Slowly killing you
I take you down with me
To a deep dark hole
I’ve come to call my soul
After everything we’ve done
After everything I’ve said
There’s not much left to love
A fear I have come to commend
Slowly killing myself
Slowly killing you
I take you within me
To have and to hold
Forever of old
To a place called home

How is it that nothing is ever finished?… day after day… year after year… always something new to say about the same damn thing?… a broken cycle?… or… the way it is?… Is this my journey?… or… all I have to say?… being trapped in my house isn’t… well any different than normal for me… locked away in hiding… is basically my overall goal in life… odd that the idea of prison or hell… scares me… I don’t even believe in one of those… funny how we fear the very thing we want… broken… the only conclusion I have found… outside of being human…

Moving on… Broken Thoughts Vol 2… should be out by now… if all goes as planned… how did you enjoy it?… a step in the right direction or a step off a cliff?… the deep end I should pull myself out of once again?… self doubt is the essence of my existence… and the nail that will do me in… I fear it all as much as I want it… so… in the end… all I want is fear… comforting… if uncomfortable after all…

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Say It With Your Chest…

It's Going to Be A Second… Broken Thoughts…

Took long enough to come to this conclusion
Moments in time spent finding peace in chaos
Nothing was ever going to be enough
Carrying the answers with me all along
Going back to the beginning
To figure out where I am
A slow march to death
Pick a path and see where it ends
Ignoring sign after sign
What if any is the meaning of words
If you don’t know what they should mean
Rambling in the dark, rambling to myself
Believing was always going to be
The thing that brought me back here again

Addicted to what I’ve been told and not what I know…

Suffocating under the weight of everything
The natural progress of
Hating myself from within
Digging my way out of an endless grave
Piece by piece, brick by brick
Been building the tomb I’ve always envisioned
A monument to pass onto the next generation
So they can do everything that’s already been done

“Maybe because sometimes someone wrote every sad song that they could.”

Pumping poison through the vein
A constant heart beat
That defines me
The difference between living and dead
Carry my thoughts with me
Every where I go seems to be no where at all
If there’s a constant here
Could someone please point it out
Never polite to point
Even while staring into a mirror
Blame everyone I see
Staring back at me through the shadows
That define me

Now Available On Amazon

Two Stories… Two Poems… and A Whole Lot of Thoughts….

Paperback and Kindle

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Broken Thoughts… Sinking Deeper…

Bowing before the evil laid out
A master plan with no eyes
Built upon treacherous lies
The master is the power
Power by thy name
We continue to follow a path
Built upon sin
Smiling as we skip along
Oblivious to what we have done

Light headed and passing along…

Setting the world on fire
To see you burned by the flames
No one ever told me
It was the same as living
Everyday
Sinking down in the ash
Think I’d forget what it all meant
Be wrong to think you’ve
Ever known anything
The rain will come
Take away the memories
Broken thoughts and heartbreak
The rain will come
Wash you away from me
The rain will come
Resetting everything
They’ll remember me
Because I won’t let them forget
Carving my place in the ground
The sun will return
And cleanse us all

While the depression only grows…

Locked inside my head
I’ve never questioned
Why I wanted to be dead
Looking past the reflection
Blurred lines of what I observe
Scratching at the walls
The scars hurt, scars aren’t small
Locked inside my head
I’ve never questioned
Why I am the way I am
Hollow shell with nothing left

A lot of thoughts burning through my head… banging against my skull… what am I going to do with the rest of my day?… still plenty of stories to edit… post… work through… videos to make… things to do… not sure what it is I want to do at all… take a break… get something to eat… push through all of this… push past the need and succumb to the want… haven’t already… what is one more…

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Something Different…

Misconception of Myself

Getting me down was never the difficult part
Brining me back from the edge
Going to take more than a few words
Let me die, only to do it again
A cycle on repeat
Broken switch called me
Thoughts and feelings in a blender
Puree
An emotional wreck
Starting to understand
Walking three feet in these shoes
Try not to kill yourself with the effort
But at least I have my health
Mentally been fucking gone
Talking to myself, I can ramble on

Getting me down was never the difficult part
Written down instructions, tattooed inside my head
Easy to follow with only a few words
Let me sleep, only to do it again
Another drink from this endless bottle
Broken need called me
Tapped
An emotion bonfire
Starting to understand
Walk three feet in this crooked spine
Try not to do too much
The effort will surely kill you
But at least then you’d know
What the hell I’m talking about
Because no one seems to

Getting me down was never the difficult part
Been lying here the whole time
Face down in the concrete
So glad you found me
Another victim to attach myself to
Broken feeling called me
Running out of reasons I should quit
Pureed, tapped, given away
Starting to understand
Everything I forgot
Three feet in this soul
Try not to run away
But at least I’m still breathing

Been Waiting Here For You

You’re no good for me
I need someone with some light
These shadows have been nice, for a time
Hide all the knives
You know the ones you stuck
In my heart
Kiss my lips and call it love
Pulling each one out with the hope
It will end
Kiss my lips and tell me what it is
No good for me
Not good enough
Not even the same
A home was nice for a while
Hides all the lies
You know the ones you stuck
In my heart
Kiss my lips and tell me I’m fine
Reliving each broken memory in hopes
It will end
Kiss my lips and call it what it is
Come on you knew
Longer than anyone
Strung me along
Too scared to pull the trigger
You know the one you stuck
In my heart
Let’s not pretend to forget
What it is

Pretty personal… pretty sad… dark… falling apart… better… healed… a distant memory… will always sting… but little by little it will go away… That’s all I have to really say about these two…

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Broken Thoughts… This Is Where I Found You…

Waiting these feelings out
Digging a hole in the ground
Chiseling out the words
That will define me
Heart no longer beating
Got to keep moving
Crashed too many times to make sense
Burning
Loved you most when I knew
Your hate wasn’t a thought
But the truth
Wandering down a winding path
Destination no longer in the past
Watered down drinks
Dismissive, unclear adjectives

Feel like I’m suffocating in a room full of windows…

This Is Where I Found You

Cold wind blows in
A heart of steel and glass
Shattered pieces blowing in the wind
Eyes full of pain and tears
An endless idea of everything I bring
This is where I found you
As I watched you die
By my hand
By my thoughts
By my loneliness
Cold wind blows in
A heart made of dirt and sand
Shattered existence blowing in the wind
Hour glass full of time
Slipping from my hands
This is where I found you
As I watched you slowly drown
From my hands
From my thoughts
From my loneliness
Cold wind blows in
A heart made from the dead and the living
Shattered existence blowing in the wind
Head full of unrealized thoughts
An endless idea of everything I have
This is where I found you
As I watched you try to live
By my hand
By my thoughts
By my loneliness
There is no place you shall ever be
By my side and everything you’ve meant to me
Kill you as we slowly die
The demons always coming from inside

Why climb a mountain if you can walk up it…

Busy chasing ghosts
Let the dead go
Dead, dying, some sort of living
Let the dead sleep
They deserve what little peace
We can give them

Going through my notes… for the next couple of post… dark storm clouds are rolling in… feel like I am reading from a script… Not sure how the next few posts will be different from any other day… thinking of taking up a job as a weatherman… weather person?… I’m joking of course so, I don’t care much for being politically correct… offensive?… what do you come here for?.. coddling the sack is not how this all started… driven to a point where I’m willing to insert the shaft… this life style is not for the weak… but for those of us that have shit to do today… a constant grind… one more post and then I can be done… a lie I tell myself so I can move on… another day… another year… I’ll always be willing to rot here in place…

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Broken Thoughts… For Your Sake I Hope This Goes Better Than In My Head…

Breaking glass
The water is creeping in
Head on collision
The water will always take
What is mine
Cracking foundation
The ground is caving in
Breaking through
The ground will always swallow
Me whole
Everything in this world
Is coming for me
Black cloud hanging
Begging me to come in
Desperately trying to fight it off
A losing battle in my head
Breaking me down
This is all it ever was
A thought I couldn’t give up

Cynical… Obstructive… Hypocritical…

In my spare time
In the absence of thought
You are all I can think of
Past, present, and this
Prison sentence undeserved
I still serve, afraid of the answers
Finding them, hammering at the chains
That still bind us together
No longer a time or place
Here and now
Chipping away at all the thoughts
Caged inside my mind
What did you really do
When my back was turned
Fuck your lies
It’s time, the truth, set me free
From this waking nightmare
In my mind
So sick of wanting to die

All my heroes killed themselves… Literally and figuratively…

If only everything wasn’t trying to kill me
If only all of this would just do it
If only life wasn’t so hard
Caffeine is rotting my brain
Can’t stay awake
Nicotine is taking my lungs
Can’t stop the shaking
Alcohol is making me crazy
Can’t change anything I’ve become
If only everything would go away
If only all of this would be okay
If only life was never this way

Well that got depressing fast… not even having a bad day… did at some point though… proof in the words that came out… can’t take one hundred percent credit on that last one… I was… still am listening to a lot of Queens of the Stone Age… that last one was inspired by two of their tracks… Feel Good Hit of the SummerIf Only… and everything I was going through at the time… If Only was the anthem that got me through most of this last year…

I know I said I finished all the thoughts from last year… but I found a few more… shouldn’t be a thing… pick at scabs… tearing open old wounds… seems to be a common theme around here that I’d like to ignore… but like maggots on a corpse… I’m just some how drawn to them… feeding on all the thoughts I try to ignore…

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Broken Thoughts… Rocking The Microphone With No Panties…

Sunken days spent with words I don’t know
Bogged down by the weight of your body
Dead and bloated by all the lies
Kisses from the underground
Scared lips trembling
The trepidation comes from within

It’s a long walk to hell and no one is willing to do it alone…

Blinking lights in the distant desert
Broke down on the way to nowhere
How I miss heaven
A lonely place I’ve never known
Heading north with everything
Still left to go behind me
Look how far I’ve come
Going no where at all
A sinking feeling left out in the sun
I’m drowning for no reason at all
Still trying to live even after all this time
Never quite learned the reasons why
Missing home despite all the things
I despise
Unwelcome, untethered, unable to explain
All the reasons to my isolation
Blinking lights in the desert

It’s not that hard to pretend… Just keeping it up is such a bitch…

“That sounds like modern slavery.” Shrugs, “Anything can sound that way if you look too deep into it. That’s not the point. If you are worth anything someone will find a way to exploit it.” Smirks, “That wasn’t the question. The question is how much are you willing to give? But hey in the meantime you get to be a fucking superhero. So you know good with the bad I suppose.” I finish washing my hands and go back to work.

What works for one doesn’t work for the other… Like a fucking Band Aid… I’m just trying to hang on…

Prepared for the worst
Prepared for nothing at all
The knife goes in
Without any resistance at all

Never cared you were only bored…

Looking away from the crimes of others
Focused solely on my own shame
My place in this fucked up mess
Who am I if I am not me
Starving for attention, bleeding from the brain
Rags to riches only to complain
Life is such a worthless place
Carry the burden of a thousand sons and daughters
People whose faces I have never seen
Couldn’t recognize me or the time and place
Lost in their own little worlds
Absorbing their belief in my faith
Shallow but right on point

Couldn’t get away fast enough…

Poison into the vein
Makes me feel sane
Tapping into something new
My newest addition
To the same fucking thing
The anger consumes
All that we know
The rages fuels
All this bullshit
Wrong, it is your fucking
Ignorance
Head so far up your ass
Hard to tell where you begin
And where you should end

Took those panties off on this one… haha… funny to maybe three of us in the whole world… When There’s No More Room… is over and that was that… Big plans for the next section of my plan… which means I will be out for a moment in time… taking a real break this time… a lot of false alarms… but I need to get my shit together… put it in a box so to speak… haha… funny to maybe one person in the whole world…

So this isn’t good bye… or so long… just a moment in time… Thoughts in my head… should be back by July… but I’m really shitty with time… baby I can’t quit you forever… next project should be more organic… a little more put together… compared to week to week… I’m excited about the next project… despite not having any real plan… riding by the seat of my pants… asshole swinging in the air… haha… okay that was only funny to me… thank you for riding out this dark time in my life… but lets forget that shit and move the fuck on… : )

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Broken Thoughts… Got A Lot Of Things Going On In My Brain…

Processing the idea of such a
Peaceful existence
The calm before the storm
Trepidation fills me
As I inhale
Slowly walking down a path
There never was no turning back
A false promise promised at birth
The lie I have always lived
Being a better person
Is more than just believing
Sacrifice everything only to end up
With nothing in the end
What was ever the point?
Why would you ever try to be anything?
Feel as though I’ve missed the point of everything

Ashes in a tray…

The flickering light mocks me
The darkness seems so much more
Appealing than the light
This depression is sown into my bones
The sadness grows with every breath
Taking this was never the problem
Only a symptom of being me
With no reason I push on
Ungrateful to be so grateful
Judging by the judgement
The sympathy of the times

I’m left feeling so incomplete…

The late nights got me thinking
Maybe there’s more to this stupid thing
A feeling wrapped in a trap
Broken and forever forsaken
The life I’ve created got me thinking
Maybe there is more out there
A failing thought in a concussion
Fractured and forever suffering
The isolation has gotten me thinking
Maybe there’s more to this stupid thing
A sinking feeling trapped within
Simplistic and forever repeating

There are no innocent when we are all deemed guilty…

Breaking through the ice
So thick
A sledge hammer of sound
Sledge hammer of pain
No one ever asked me
I’ve just always wanted the escape
Freedom never meant much
Until it was taken away
Chipping away at the restraints
A freak without a sound
Freaking out without the pain
Told me everything would be okay
Why have you always felt the need
To lie to me

Tried to hit every base with this one… nothing ever really shuts off in here… it is annoying but what else am I going to do?… bored today… did some yard work… still bored… did some writing… obviously… still bored… play some video games?… probably be bored… could read but I don’t feel like doing anything… riding out the day until it is over… if I never make it… it won’t be because of anyone around me… not motivated enough today… that’s more depressing than the depression… rambling on else where…

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Broken Thoughts… Living Until… We Lie…

I’m fat, I’m ugly
Cutting out all the things
That make me, me
What am I  without the flaws?
I’m stupid, I’m useless
Tearing out all the things
That I believe to be
Who have I been all this time?
I’m weak, I’m disgusting
Ripping out all the things
That I allow myself to be
How could I ever justify going on?
Just do
Cutting, tearing, ripping, destroying
The very things that make me, me
Why would I ever cave?
When the demons live inside
This very skin
Where do they live, where do I begin?

It was a nervous breakdown not a redemption

Did you ever really love me
A thought I hold deep down inside
A lie you’ve told time after time
The answer has always been lost in your eyes
Tip of your tongue, between your thighs
Guilty thought I’d never let die
I will ask one more time
I need the truth
So lie to me
Did you ever really love me

“It’s not as though I’m going to cut open your asshole and stick my head in. But I might.”

You’re so quiet
The words must be behind it all
Tearing out my eyes
Don’t care if I live
Only want to die
Kisses from beneath the ground
Hugs, I’ve always been
Everything you’ve despised
The only thing that makes any sense
Is that I am the end of everything
Smiling and I will destroy
My life for your ill will
Eating your heart
Because you already took mine

All over the place today… turning in my own grave… thoughts are endless… stay in the house because if we are all afraid… then it will never go away…

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