Broken Thoughts

Somewhere in the darkness
Just before the light
Lies something so dark
It hides in plain sight
Worlds live and breathe
A price to pay
A debt so low
What could come from this
If nothing at all
Watch the sky as it burns
Even on the darkest nights
Still can see the blood
Who does it bleed for
If not for you and me
The truth so hard to find
When the lies become so easy to digest

 

A bible left on a bench
Verses stuck in my head
Bleeding for a cause
Dying for the dead
Wait out the end of the world
Cautiously continuing what’s already been done
Too afraid to try anything new
Coughing up blood from all the fun
Destroying everything I love
If I knew why I’d tell you
Locked away in my mind
All that matters at the time

 

Taking this one step at a time
Taking it one step further than Christ
Gave up all my sins
Now there’s nothing left
Dragging myself up the cross once again
The pain comes on fast than slow
Growing old with so much left to go
Who am I if I am without sin
Who am I to beg for forgiveness
Drinking blood to understand where this began
The body begs the question of what have I done
Said you’d never leave now here I stand
All alone with nowhere to go

 

Easier to lie than to live your life
Spitting blood for the taste
Waiting out the storm of our lives
Hidden in the dark never had a reason why
Feel as though all of this has been said before
Giving into the reason why
Without context doesn’t make much sense
Nothing ever really does
Picking out the parts that I like
So broken left dead inside
Who I’ve always wanted to be

 

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Been trying to get back into Twitter lately… been very lazy or very busy… depends on where your sympathies lie… stack of canvases that need to be finished… worked on… done something with… a stack of ideas that need to be worked on as well… I keep piling it on… forcing myself to take on more… spend the time wondering why?… have I always been this way?… am I only noticing it now after all this time… always moving… always going… what does it mean to sit still?… in my broken… warped mind… it means certain death… a fallacy I want to believe… rather than one I need to believe… so there has been that as well…

Me trying to relax… and dare I say… have fun… it isn’t going well… I don’t get it… I don’t like it… but I know I need it… I need to learn to enjoy what I have before it is gone… those around me… my friends… my family… society as a whole… there is some shitty metaphor about how no one is an island… true even if I keep trying to disprove such a thought… a notion… that I could be wrong… all of this is weighing on me… my mind… the question… what do I want from life?… 

I have no idea… I spent so much time avoiding the question… running from it… putting things in front of it to hide behind… nothing stops it… like the great Jason Voorhees that fucking question just keeps coming… except maybe one thing… one possible outcome to put this damn demon to rest… an answer… a solution to the problem and question… and that is the real issue… I don’t have an answer… I don’t have a realistic idea of what I want… all I have is a fantasy… a lie.. I keep telling myself to get by… as we all know… we can only lie for so long until the lie falls apart… 

That was a lot to lay on you… and this is yet another moment that I will dwell on… where does all this come from?… now you know… even if it is only a glimpse of how I see the world… see myself in it… been human for so long… ready to be so much more… time will tell if any of this ever gets better… 

“Not all martyrs see divinity, but at least you tried”….
Maynard James Keenan, Eulogy, Tool

 

Threadless Shirts… Amazon Words in the form of books… Etsy… Thoughts in the form of art… 

Begging Me To Stay…

The skin bleeds as the knife digs deeper
My skin spreads open revealing bone
The skin peels back as I pull
My skin lies in a pile on the floor
The skin is a metaphor for something I don’t know
My skin is missing but I am whole
Who I’ve always been
A separation between skin and man

 

Every silver car and every crowed stream
I’m sick of always cooking on your dreams
Starting to get to me
All the leftovers of your evil ways
Clogged arteries and every fast food chain
How many different ways do you need to die
Go ahead discuss, I’m all ears
Beat me over the head with your fears
Here are a few of mine
That all of this won’t sink in
Okay I have more
Not enough time to give a fuck
Dancing on the way to our deaths
Join the conga line you un-American prick
Subscribe here to submit your like
They make the difference we couldn’t commit
How can we fail if we’re already dead
How could any of this ever matter
Except for in our heads

 

Forever is forever and eternity is only for a second
Eternity is eternity and life is only for a minute
Life is life and thought is only for an hour
Thought is thought but suffering is for a lifetime

 

Can you see everything you’ve become
Every little thing you have done
Like memories burning in the sun
Feel every ray and question why
Projections of thoughts against the wall
Reflecting on nothing at all
In some way became something
Each and everything
Apart of something bigger
Picture unclear, vision blurry
Think one day I’ll know
By then it will be too late
Time has a way of reflecting
The things locked inside our minds
Now is not the time or place
But at the end it all becomes clear
So we hope, so we believe
Kneeling down to you
Standing before the altar of time
All the signs pointing in every direction
All the paths wide open
What do I do?… 

 

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Got a little weird with it today… felt like a weird day to me… maybe because I actually got some sleep?… unsure been awhile since this has happen to me… anyone with kids will understand this next part… had the night off from my daughter… had the whole night to do anything I wanted… so I chose to sleep… and we can all agree I made the best choice… 

Been working on more paintings… will be posting more in the next few months on my Etsy… I’ve even been working on some stuff that isn’t just paintings… trying to unlock something in my mind that I know is hidden in there somewhere… what it is I’m looking forward to finding out… 

In the mean time… you can check out more on Amazon… books… Threadless… shirts… Etsy… art… and any comments or reviews are always helpful… thank you for taking the time… see you all Monday… by then this good mood should have worn off… : )

Hidden Meaning Lost On Me…

Facts

Had to get something better
Only to see how it feels
Feels the same only worse
Nothing is ever what it seems
Nothing seems like it ever was
Lost over time
Still not sure what I have become
Adult, child words
Have no meaning until you give
Purpose to them
I say I care but I don’t think
I ever have
I lie to make myself to feel better
Now I have become the lie
And I feel like shit
If only I had a purpose
If only I had meaning
If only I could become the words
I pretend to live by

 

Inside, Still Hurting

Had a dollar
Now I have five
Lost it all
Now only left with lies
What is the cost of a soul
Slowly choking
Slowly dying
If you haven’t guessed
It is you I despise
Words can be missed judged
Actions never get taken the wrong way
Make it up as you go
These are the truths that
Only encompasses a lie
Felt I had more
If I only realized
I’d burn all this shit down
Start over
Once I eat the ashes
The new god will cease to live
In your pagan made up language
Sold my soul to assume my goal
Now how about you?

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“But at least you tried”… Is my favorite lyric from any song ever… bonus points if you guessed Eulogy by Tool… that seems to be my life right now… seems to be my life looking back… seems to be my life looking forward… doesn’t matter what happened… is happening… will happen… at least I tried… But is that good enough?… is anything ever good enough?… for you… for me… for anyone?… so fed up with trying to be good enough… because the answer is no… nothing is ever good enough… for god… for our parents… for our loved ones… for ourselves… down and out… and yet I keep swinging… keep pushing forward… keeping going on as if somehow I will overcome this feeling… this idea… that one day everything will be good enough… life’s a bitch… and then you have to live it… 

Threadless… shirts and merch… Amazon… more depressing ass words… Etsy… overpriced subconscious art… 

Broken Lines

Something has been lacking in my life lately
Motivation, a will to live, I don’t know
Not very enthused about anything…

Dead, I’m dying inside to let it go

Sleeping with my eyes open

Society will fuck you with no reason why

What does it take to be human

Working hard to do nothing at all

Dragging me down, weighted down, cement coffin

A sense of worth, the feel of pain

What does it take to be a woman

A sense of belonging, the feel of regret

What does it take to be a man

The idea of existence, the feel of love

All the traits that make you human

What’s the point in the end if it doesn’t matter

My feelings are taking me to my grave

Smile real big, it doesn’t hurt
Does it hurt to smash your own face in
Because I keep doing it
With the same fucking smile
Ask me again, what was the fucking question

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Thought I would try something different… six shitty poems cut up and left on the screen… it kind of follows a pattern… in other news… I opened up my etsy shop… sadly for right now… I will only be able to ship within the US… but only until I get the hang of it… figuring out how to ship a painting is going to be fun… would prints be a better idea?… all a waste of time?… judge me in the comments below… : ) … 

Threadless… merch… Amazon… books…. Etsy…. for art and such… 

Shedding The Dead Skin

my side would it have made a difference?… these questions have no answers… these questions, therefore, are not real questions at all… they are only lingering thoughts that haunt me in times of sadness and despair…

Left a little space for what I have to say
Fuck off and go away

My head is not on right today
As though I’ve run out of things to say

With scars so deep it is amazing I can even sleep

try to not focus on them, to dwell on them, but I always know they are still there… my daughter has become a constant reminder of this… I look at her sometimes as she sleeps, as she plays, and all I can think is how could anyone walk away from her?… walk away from their child?… hurt their child?…

Like a shotgun blast to the chest, I’m back and I’m dead. Can’t stand all the words in my head.

We are all running from something

Finding a place to fill in my heart
That place between living and dying

yet I am proof that it can happen… not only a witness… a victim… still I don’t understand… a real thought… turns into so many real questions… maybe it was always meant to be this way?… to feel this way?… 

The worst part of being alive
Is knowing that you are human

I’m on the wrong side of hating it
Wrong side of hate

I’m surprised you haven’t gone onto choke on a dick yet

do I believe in God?… should I?… if this is her way of testing me… could she stop?… I think I’ve had enough… who cares what I think… when I’ve never had a say… faith… like the questions… is something… I don’t understand…

Drowning angels in a river of sin
Sure there’s got to be an easier way

This is how you kill an hour
Staring at a wall

Too pissed to say anything that means anything
Mind cluster fucked by all the shit you can’t seem to say

You look back and think this is fucked up, this part was wrong, but in reality, this is life… Nothing ever goes perfectly… Nothing goes to plan… Do the best you can and hope for even more… There’s no script for this shit… It just is or isn’t… sometimes… in some ways… it can be both…

It’s symbolic of the way I feel

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Ghost small

Missing you with every passing moment
Haunting you in the dark
Right there all along
Watching you
With
A
Haunted
Love

Broken Thoughts

I wrote the novel
Now I just have to write the story
If you stop to think about it
I know you’d never do it
The meaning loses effort
As soon as we stop to realize
What it means

What am I doing here?
Wasting time in between the lines

I could run but what does that say about me
What do I care about what people think
Human nature, self-conscious, maybe

Feel as though I don’t matter
Because I don’t
How long does it take to build trust
Don’t know
Lost in my head with a shitty name
Lost in thought but who could tell
Working out the problems is taking too long
Saving up for nothing, can I ask a favor
If I give you the lighter fluid
Do you think that you could provide the light
Didn’t think so but it’s okay
Seems as though only ones prepared
Is the enemy
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Multitasking right now… but you didn’t know that… well, you do now… for some reason WordPress wants all my text to be in grey… not that I don’t feel that way at times… but I want the text to be black… annoying… but considering I don’t have to write the script… maintain some shit… or do anything beyond highlight and change it back… I guess I can’t complain… turns out I just did… maybe grey is the way to go today… 

Sympathetic to Your Needs

“Am I being recorded?”
“I hope you don’t mind. It is for journalistic purposes. Try to not let it affect you or your responses. Best to think of it not being there.”
“Okay.”
“So you wanted to tell me something about where you work and how it pertains to my story?”
“You won’t publish my name right?”

“Click,” I insert another tape.

“From my perspective, I don’t see why racism in America is even happening. I mean at what point do we move past it and grow as people?”
“I’m not too sure. That is why I am working on this piece. I want to find out what real Americans think about racism.”
“How many real Americans have you interviewed so far?”
“Quite a few. All walks of life, but I want to hear your side of the issue.”

“Click,” I insert another tape.

“I have been doing this a number of years.”
“Seems like it can be difficult talking to people. I’m not sure I could do such a thing.”
“It can be at times. The hardest part is staying objective to the subject at hand. Often find that there is way too much excessive talking. It becomes a distraction.”
“What is that?”
“Oh, this? This is nothing.”

“Click,” I insert another tape.

“Are you even a real reporter?”
“Of course I am.”
The sound of weeping. “Why are you doing this?”

“Click,” I insert another tape.

“You shot her in the fucking face. You sick fuck.”
The sound of rustling. “Just wait and see what I do to you.”
The sound of choking, sounds of a struggle. A faint whisper,” Please… help…”

“Click,” I eject the tape. “How many are there?” I ask. “How many what? Tapes or victims?” My partner asks. “Either,” I say as I put my cigarette out. I leave it resting in the ashes. Burying it with the others. “Hundreds of tapes, but we are still unsure of the number of victims. Been doing this for years. Some of the tapes are legitimate interviews as you heard. Others are as close to being there as you can get. I mean let your imagination run wild.” He stares at me as I light another one. I offer him one from the pack and he declines. “It makes you wonder why? Even after all these years on the force. Still left with the same question,” I reach for another tape. “The answer isn’t there or in any of these tapes,” my partner assures me. “No, but there are facts and facts leads to answers.”

“Do you think that this will make me famous?”
“It has been my experience that anything can bring you attention. But not all attention is good attention. To answer your question though. In this case, it might.” The sound of a power drill coming to life and screams washes over the recording.

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Wanted to try something new… A story that could only be done on the website… and about as close to a script that I want to get… It is hard to not write every action each voice or character is doing… My hat goes off to those of you who write scripts… I have no idea how you do it… drives me crazy… lack of control?… what does that say about me?… haha… 

Still selling bits of my soul over at Threadless and Amazon… Don’t worry… I’m as cheap as I can get…