The halls are filling with patients I can hear their feet
stomping. One by one they shuffle their way down the halls. The ones that can
that is. None of them mine of course. No of course not they belong to my subordinates.
All those long nights. All the studying. All the work to be at the top of my
class. What a waste of time. No, I get the special ones. The ones chained down,
the ones that most of us can only see through glass and steel. But why am I
telling you this? Talking to myself. I might as well be locked away with them.
I need. I need to get this all out. Before I end up on the other side of the
glass. We all have our reasons for being here. Locked in this place.
I am here to make sure they get “better.” Help them, cure
them, but there is no cure for crazy or deranged or homicidal. So all of my education, all of my time is
nothing but a waste. I get to pretend to be the very thing I call myself. The
title I have earned, Doctor. Head Doctor of Psychiatry at a state run asylum to
be exact. I get to pretend that I can make them all better. Trapped in
purgatory with the monster who will never see the light of day again. God damn it.
I just want to leave this place. Trapped in my head. Trapped in place. Day in
and day out. When I close my eyes. All I see are their faces smiling back at
me. They should be put down. Put down like the animals that they are. One way
trip to the pits of hell. But that’s not humane is it? That’s not right. Not in
this day and age of medicine. We can help them.
What a joke. A broken idea stabbed into our brains. Not all
of us were born equal. Not all of us deserve to live. All those long hours, all
these long days, this endless life time, and that is all that I can come up
with. Kill them all. Let the devil have his play things back. Not good enough.
Not the solution we are looking for. “Do we need to replace you with someone
better?” Better than me? Someone better than me can administer the same test
with the same results. Would it make the difference to help these monsters? Question
my very existence in this world. Driven crazy by the very people who I have entrusted
me to heal. Nothing. Surrounded by the madness and the endless cycle of
nothing. The nothing is pointless and unavoidable. The fact that nothing I will
ever do will mean anything. That’s the part I can no longer take. Life here is
an unknown mystery with the same outcome.
Welcome to the Alabaster Behavioral Asylum for the Criminally Insane. Yes, when there is no more room. Welcome to hell.
So this was that project I was talking about… either last week or the week before… I don’t know… the days bled together after awhile… Hopefully I can keep up with it… this week I will be posting three parts to it… after that I will be posting a new part every Wednesday… and filling in the days with Broken Thoughts… poems… the usual stuff… trying to change things up… taking a chance on this story… maybe I will talk about it more later… okay I will be talking about it more later…
In the darkness I hide Waiting for you to free me Hidden deep within I’ve always been me The surface a mask An asshole within Tearing apart every part That makes me, me Strangling the only thing That is good in me Watching the world burn Is all I ever wanted Greatest fear strangling me Lost in my own worlds Confusion sets in Dragging my scythe Through the darkness that is my mind I have always wondered But I knew all along I am death and this is what I deserve A secret held deep within Passion to see the other side Purity that will never make sense Dragging myself through this life Lost my fucking mind At this point can’t tell the difference Stream of fucking consciences What is real when all is a lie Chew the fucking glass That we were all meant to digest
Never Enough I Need More
This isn’t my first Won’t be the last Welcoming death as it comes Welcoming everything This isn’t What I set out to be A place I was pushed to Time has a way of taking everything Dying each day Pushing to make it something else A disease buried deep within The alcohol brings out the best in me I’m not a hero, a saint A fucking leach Suck you dry Take everything I need Lie to myself To make everything you’ve done Make sense That’s the part I hide A victim to my own pain Killing myself was never the plan All I have left How could I be so weak How could I accept such abuse The worlds a lie When all I ever believed Lied to me Living on borrowed time I don’t know where to go from here When everything I believed is a lie Sitting in my own shit I wish I was dead Too strong to do it Too weak to see any other excuse Suffering as each day comes A secret buried in my skin Can you see when I lie On the surface all along Tell me what to do Because I don’t know what to do anymore
Slipping into a darkness I don’t understand… where does this world go… when it was never meant to be?… where does any of this end when it keeps on going?… debt… love… life… it all keeps going… the truth unknown to anyone… all answers a lie… choking… open my eyes… your hands around my neck… this is all for nothing… this life doesn’t mean anything… and yet… I crave… I want to go on living this dream… that is all it is a dream… in a awakened mind… none of it matters… but all of it seems too…
It all seems to matter in the scheme of all things… I think of space and it’s endlessness… I think of all of the people who have abandoned me… I think of so many things… and here I stand… what the fuck does any of this mean?… what is a world full of darkness?… but endless… tortured and I am the master of all things… what the fuck is wrong with me?… fucking human is all I will ever be… raising a glass to the nothing at all…
Tearing through my flesh Can’t tell what is left Dead or alive Fucking kill it Doesn’t matter anymore Screaming in the dark Take me with you Drown within a dream, a nightmare Suffocating The scars were never meant to be seen Cracking Hating all of this A life I thought I had to live Destroying everything Smashed against my skin I have and always will Drown myself from within Thought you knew me Didn’t know shit A decision I have to fucking live with Smile, because this was always for you Turning over in my grave Even in death I couldn’t sleep Fuck me, all the same Keep on living just to be me Closing my eyes I knew there would never be peace Smiling even as a dead man in a grave Home is where my heart has always been A tomb, a grave, everything I need it to be Miss the way things used to be Isolation was only a thought that I bothered Give you even more If you could show me what it is I truly need A hug from the one I adore Wasted too much time On selfish needs Punish me some more Give me all that I deserve
This free write brought to you by… The Stories In Between… if you like it… you can thank him… if you hate it… well you can blame me… either way check out his blog… website… his writing…
Digging at the stitches Running my fingers across the scars My heart nothing more than a reminder A map made of blood and pain Who am I to know what to say Who was I before all of this The blood runs down my fingers On to the floor, on to more A bloody waterfall made of everything I have ever felt Who am I Who am I to question what any of this means Took what you wanted Left the discard for me to pick through A mess of emotions, tangled up thoughts The fuck you care You’ve always gotten what you need Who am I to question you My dear
Speaking crazy is not a train of thought The roaches crawl over the bodies Stacked up in the corner Laying eggs and feasting on what remains Breeding ideas that lead to a darker place in me The smell becomes home Lay your head down and inhale Takes time but all things work out in the end Cold grin chiseled into my skull Should have never taken what was never yours
Shh… you made your bed of razors Go ahead and lie down Press the cold steel against the skin What’s been done has been done Line after line Digging my own grave Said you understood Lied as you buried me in Caved in, suffocating underneath it all Lost in the darkness Your light no longer reaches me Buried under so much shit Struggling with every breath How is this any different than before A question to haunt me as I rest The final place I’ve always wanted to be Searching for a lifetime As it stood right before me, by my side Who am I if no one at all Ringing, repeating, beating, trying To be what it is you instituted in me A society I’ve always hated The world I never wanted to be born in One in the same, one among the sheep A wolf in bloody clothes
Got rejected again… starting to like it… liking the idea… that every one of my submissions is a thorn in somebodies side… does that make me an asshole?… probably… but at least I tried…
I will just have to keep on digging that grave… not like I have anything better to do anyway… listening to depressing songs to make myself feel better… yeah I’m that kind of person… no idea why… just have been… secret is… they never make me feel better… trick myself in believing that they do…
Constant like a fucking child Driven under Driven to live A mindless existence Shut the fuck up Then maybe, you’d be right Tape my mouth shut Torture me, make me feel something Nothing different then the way It is supposed to be Cut my limbs, nail them to a tree Same as it is supposed to be I wish you’d do onto me As I wished for you
Looking to destroy more than myself Line up, take you out one by one I know it is what you always wanted I know you have always wanted to win Judge ourselves not by what we’ve done But what we wish to have been
Kill myself slowly Life or what I’ve been told I hold each word against me A lie I’ve been told Loved you more than I’ve loved myself Locked in a world, that I can not win I’d fuck you sooner than you can fuck me A worthless fuck I see myself in The reflection that I see Desiring action, desire to see myself Always been the asshole A sin I hide myself in Taking what I want Believing what I want to believe A whore I see myself in Cult of personality, I could never win Unless you let me Being drunk is a sin An escape I find myself in Fuck you, if you ever thought you could win A running thought inside my head My thoughts run off Digging a ditch I call my grave A home I hold within I’m so done, a struggle within, you win
Remorse is for the dead… all that needs to be said… still alive?… then you already know what needs to be done.. what there is left to say… keep going on with me… we will figure all of this out at a later time…
Thought about the thoughts That make us human after all Thought about the thoughts That don’t matter at all Thought maybe then I thought About it all All these thoughts I thought As I waited for the fall
We tell ourselves it matters We push for results But in the end as we wait for it all Nothing made sense Nothing was all it was What we think holds value Holds nothing at all
So I thought about the thoughts That makes us human after all I thought about the thoughts That don’t matter after all Draw my conclusions What I found was Fuck it all
Letting Me Go Is Easier Than You Think
How much am I willing to take What is sober if not a feeling What is gone if not how I’ve felt all along I say one thing, believe another in my head Sure I’m a liar, believe me when I say I’m dead Never cared and now they say I should Exploring the darkness that hides inside us all Some people want to run But I can’t help to call it home Could say it doesn’t matter, been wrong all along How long am I willing to wait A fear carried over time Dead weight inside my chest I’ve been forced to call my heart Who knows anything if no one knows a thing You tell me to not do it But what do you know about me How it feels, what it thinks Studying the madness has only driven me more insane Life is a cycle This is only the pain
The next generation is so fucked… everything is right now… I need it now… is dinner ready?… no… it takes fucking time… spoiled and they don’t even know why… time is moving so fast… have you figured out yet what you want to be?… left behind… we do this to ourselves and ask why… human reasoning… kiss it all good bye… we need time to step back… say okay… this is the direction we need to go… not enough time… maybe we have always been this way… maybe it is something new… but in the end… what the fuck is going on?…
Staring into the mirror Wondering why not The blade pressed up against me Not sure why lately I’m not Anti-lobotomy Driven crazy, fucked at the thought Common sense doesn’t mean shit Drowning in my own life Suffocating at the thought That all of this must keep going on
Who put me in charge of anything God doesn’t have a sense of humor Fuck off Gave me my own thing to destroy Said look I fucked up but here is your chance To do the same thing A running joke, that makes no sense Drinking to try and forget What I was even trying to do Slash the wrists long enough Something is bound to happen Parenting not that far off Smashing my head against a wall Just makes sense At this point
Purpose in life to die Sad fucking state of existence Fighting it every day Winning Where is the balance When is just keeps fucking coming Where is the savior we’ve been waiting on
Lost and it is just a thought A rotting of the fucking brain All there is All there ever was Was you and me Let me be the first to say I’m sorry
Dodging all the god damn knives Finding my place in all this shit Tortured what was your first fucking clue Do this to myself Smiling at the thought What was the point all along Breathing to breathe Living because I was told to Always loved you But what was the fucking point God or the devil does it matter? When nothing has ever mattered Me and you become one Fucked yet we keep going on
It’s all so pointless…
No after thought… only this…
Torture me, torture myself Fuck you Gave in when I knew It was all a lie Made you up inside my head As real as I want it to be Choking on a thought Chewing on glass Who needs a reason When there is a why
Drowning myself in shit Smiling all the way down : )
Apparently inktober is happening… makes sense.. being that it is October… anyway… check out the awesome work… my friend Little Fears is doing… Hope you enjoy… I know I have been… Haunting my dreams… turning them to nightmares…