When There Is No More Room… Part 1

The halls are filling with patients I can hear their feet stomping. One by one they shuffle their way down the halls. The ones that can that is. None of them mine of course. No of course not they belong to my subordinates. All those long nights. All the studying. All the work to be at the top of my class. What a waste of time. No, I get the special ones. The ones chained down, the ones that most of us can only see through glass and steel. But why am I telling you this? Talking to myself. I might as well be locked away with them. I need. I need to get this all out. Before I end up on the other side of the glass. We all have our reasons for being here. Locked in this place.

I am here to make sure they get “better.” Help them, cure them, but there is no cure for crazy or deranged or homicidal.  So all of my education, all of my time is nothing but a waste. I get to pretend to be the very thing I call myself. The title I have earned, Doctor. Head Doctor of Psychiatry at a state run asylum to be exact. I get to pretend that I can make them all better. Trapped in purgatory with the monster who will never see the light of day again. God damn it. I just want to leave this place. Trapped in my head. Trapped in place. Day in and day out. When I close my eyes. All I see are their faces smiling back at me. They should be put down. Put down like the animals that they are. One way trip to the pits of hell. But that’s not humane is it? That’s not right. Not in this day and age of medicine. We can help them.

What a joke. A broken idea stabbed into our brains. Not all of us were born equal. Not all of us deserve to live. All those long hours, all these long days, this endless life time, and that is all that I can come up with. Kill them all. Let the devil have his play things back. Not good enough. Not the solution we are looking for. “Do we need to replace you with someone better?” Better than me? Someone better than me can administer the same test with the same results. Would it make the difference to help these monsters? Question my very existence in this world. Driven crazy by the very people who I have entrusted me to heal. Nothing. Surrounded by the madness and the endless cycle of nothing. The nothing is pointless and unavoidable. The fact that nothing I will ever do will mean anything. That’s the part I can no longer take. Life here is an unknown mystery with the same outcome.

Welcome to the Alabaster Behavioral Asylum for the Criminally Insane. Yes, when there is no more room. Welcome to hell.

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So this was that project I was talking about… either last week or the week before… I don’t know… the days bled together after awhile… Hopefully I can keep up with it… this week I will be posting three parts to it… after that I will be posting a new part every Wednesday… and filling in the days with Broken Thoughts… poems… the usual stuff… trying to change things up… taking a chance on this story… maybe I will talk about it more later… okay I will be talking about it more later…

Cut Me Up… I Am The End Of All Things To Come…

Losing My Mind

In the darkness I hide
Waiting for you to free me
Hidden deep within
I’ve always been me
The surface a mask
An asshole within
Tearing apart every part
That makes me, me
Strangling the only thing
That is good in me
Watching the world burn
Is all I ever wanted
Greatest fear strangling me
Lost in my own worlds
Confusion sets in
Dragging my scythe
Through the darkness that is my mind
I have always wondered
But I knew all along
I am death and this is what I deserve
A secret held deep within
Passion to see the other side
Purity that will never make sense
Dragging myself through this life
Lost my fucking mind
At this point can’t tell the difference
Stream of fucking consciences
What is real when all is a lie
Chew the fucking glass
That we were all meant to digest

Never Enough I Need More

This isn’t my first
Won’t be the last
Welcoming death as it comes
Welcoming everything
This isn’t
What I set out to be
A place I was pushed to
Time has a way of taking everything
Dying each day
Pushing to make it something else
A disease buried deep within
The alcohol brings out the best in me
I’m not a hero, a saint
A fucking leach
Suck you dry
Take everything I need
Lie to myself
To make everything you’ve done
Make sense
That’s the part I hide
A victim to my own pain
Killing myself was never the plan
All I have left
How could I be so weak
How could I accept such abuse
The worlds a lie
When all I ever believed
Lied to me
Living on borrowed time
I don’t know where to go from here
When everything I believed is a lie
Sitting in my own shit
I wish I was dead
Too strong to do it
Too weak to see any other excuse
Suffering as each day comes
A secret buried in my skin
Can you see when I lie
On the surface all along
Tell me what to do
Because I don’t know what to do anymore

Slipping into a darkness I don’t understand… where does this world go… when it was never meant to be?… where does any of this end when it keeps on going?… debt… love… life… it all keeps going… the truth unknown to anyone… all answers a lie… choking… open my eyes… your hands around my neck… this is all for nothing… this life doesn’t mean anything… and yet… I crave… I want to go on living this dream… that is all it is a dream… in a awakened mind… none of it matters… but all of it seems too…

It all seems to matter in the scheme of all things… I think of space and it’s endlessness… I think of all of the people who have abandoned me… I think of so many things… and here I stand… what the fuck does any of this mean?… what is a world full of darkness?… but endless… tortured and I am the master of all things… what the fuck is wrong with me?… fucking human is all I will ever be… raising a glass to the nothing at all…

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Inspired By….

The Devil Within

Tearing through my flesh
Can’t tell what is left
Dead or alive
Fucking kill it
Doesn’t matter anymore
Screaming in the dark
Take me with you
Drown within a dream, a nightmare
Suffocating
The scars were never meant to be seen
Cracking
Hating all of this
A life I thought I had to live
Destroying everything
Smashed against my skin
I have and always will
Drown myself from within
Thought you knew me
Didn’t know shit
A decision I have to fucking live with
Smile, because this was always for you
Turning over in my grave
Even in death I couldn’t sleep
Fuck me, all the same
Keep on living just to be me
Closing my eyes
I knew there would never be peace
Smiling even as a dead man in a grave
Home is where my heart has always been
A tomb, a grave, everything I need it to be
Miss the way things used to be
Isolation was only a thought that I bothered
Give you even more
If you could show me what it is I truly need
A hug from the one I adore
Wasted too much time
On selfish needs
Punish me some more
Give me all that I deserve

This free write brought to you by… The Stories In Between… if you like it… you can thank him… if you hate it… well you can blame me… either way check out his blog… website… his writing…

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Broken Thoughts… Losing My Mind…

Digging at the stitches
Running my fingers across the scars
My heart nothing more than a reminder
A map made of blood and pain
Who am I to know what to say
Who was I before all of this
The blood runs down my fingers
On to the floor, on to more
A bloody waterfall made of everything
I have ever felt
Who am I
Who am I to question what any of this means
Took what you wanted
Left the discard for me to pick through
A mess of emotions, tangled up thoughts
The fuck you care
You’ve always gotten what you need
Who am I to question you
My dear

Speaking crazy is not a train of thought
The roaches crawl over the bodies
Stacked up in the corner
Laying eggs and feasting on what remains
Breeding ideas that lead to a darker place in me
The smell becomes home
Lay your head down and inhale
Takes time but all things work out in the end
Cold grin chiseled into my skull
Should have never taken what was never yours

Shh… you made your bed of razors
Go ahead and lie down
Press the cold steel against the skin
What’s been done has been done
Line after line
Digging my own grave
Said you understood
Lied as you buried me in
Caved in, suffocating underneath it all
Lost in the darkness
Your light no longer reaches me
Buried under so much shit
Struggling with every breath
How is this any different than before
A question to haunt me as I rest
The final place I’ve always wanted to be
Searching for a lifetime
As it stood right before me, by my side
Who am I if no one at all
Ringing, repeating, beating, trying
To be what it is you instituted in me
A society I’ve always hated
The world I never wanted to be born in
One in the same, one among the sheep
A wolf in bloody clothes

Got rejected again… starting to like it… liking the idea… that every one of my submissions is a thorn in somebodies side… does that make me an asshole?… probably… but at least I tried…

I will just have to keep on digging that grave… not like I have anything better to do anyway… listening to depressing songs to make myself feel better… yeah I’m that kind of person… no idea why… just have been… secret is… they never make me feel better… trick myself in believing that they do…

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Broken Thoughts… More Than I Need…

Constant like a fucking child
Driven under
Driven to live
A mindless existence
Shut the fuck up
Then maybe, you’d be right
Tape my mouth shut
Torture me, make me feel something
Nothing different then the way
It is supposed to be
Cut my limbs, nail them to a tree
Same as it is supposed to be
I wish you’d do onto me
As I wished for you

 

Looking to destroy more than myself
Line up, take you out one by one
I know it is what you always wanted
I know you have always wanted to win
Judge ourselves not by what we’ve done
But what we wish to have been

 

Kill myself slowly
Life or what I’ve been told
I hold each word against me
A lie I’ve been told
Loved you more than I’ve loved myself
Locked in a world, that I can not win
I’d fuck you sooner than you can fuck me
A worthless fuck I see myself in
The reflection that I see
Desiring action, desire to see myself
Always been the asshole
A sin I hide myself in
Taking what I want
Believing what I want to believe
A whore I see myself in
Cult of personality, I could never win
Unless you let me
Being drunk is a sin
An escape I find myself in
Fuck you, if you ever thought you could win
A running thought inside my head
My thoughts run off
Digging a ditch I call my grave
A home I hold within
I’m so done, a struggle within,  you win

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Remorse is for the dead… all that needs to be said… still alive?… then you already know what needs to be done.. what there is left to say… keep going on with me… we will figure all of this out at a later time… 

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“I See The Game… And It Sees Me”…

Desperately Trying To Hold On, For You

Thought about the thoughts
That make us human after all
Thought about the thoughts
That don’t matter at all
Thought maybe then I thought
About it all
All these thoughts I thought
As I waited for the fall

We tell ourselves it matters
We push for results
But in the end as we wait for it all
Nothing made sense
Nothing was all it was
What we think holds value
Holds nothing at all

So I thought about the thoughts
That makes us human after all
I thought about the thoughts
That don’t matter after all
Draw my conclusions
What I found was
Fuck it all

 

Letting Me Go Is Easier Than You Think

How much am I willing to take
What is sober if not a feeling
What is gone if not how I’ve felt all along
I say one thing, believe another in my head
Sure I’m a liar, believe me when I say I’m dead
Never cared and now they say I should
Exploring the darkness that hides inside us all
Some people want to run
But I can’t help to call it home
Could say it doesn’t matter, been wrong all along
How long am I willing to wait
A fear carried over time
Dead weight inside my chest
I’ve been forced to call my heart
Who knows anything if no one knows a thing
You tell me to not do it
But what do you know about me
How it feels, what it thinks
Studying the madness has only driven me more insane
Life is a cycle
This is only the pain

 

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The next generation is so fucked… everything is right now… I need it now… is dinner ready?… no… it takes fucking time… spoiled and they don’t even know why… time is moving so fast… have you figured out yet what you want to be?… left behind… we do this to ourselves and ask why… human reasoning… kiss it all good bye… we need time to step back… say okay… this is the direction we need to go… not enough time… maybe we have always been this way… maybe it is something new… but in the end… what the fuck is going on?… 

 

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Broken Thoughts… Fuck It… Its Your Problem… Okay Maybe Not…

Staring into the mirror
Wondering why not
The blade pressed up against me
Not sure why lately I’m not
Anti-lobotomy
Driven crazy, fucked at the thought
Common sense doesn’t mean shit
Drowning in my own life
Suffocating at the thought
That all of this must keep going on

 

Who put me in charge of anything
God doesn’t have a sense of humor
Fuck off
Gave me my own thing to destroy
Said look
I fucked up but here is your chance
To do the same thing
A running joke, that makes no sense
Drinking to try and forget
What I was even trying to do
Slash the wrists long enough
Something is bound to happen
Parenting not that far off
Smashing my head against a wall
Just makes sense
At this point

Purpose in life to die
Sad fucking state of existence
Fighting it every day
Winning
Where is the balance
When is just keeps fucking coming
Where is the savior we’ve been waiting on

Lost and it is just a thought
A rotting of the fucking brain
All there is
All there ever was
Was you and me
Let me be the first to say
I’m sorry

 

Dodging all the god damn knives
Finding my place in all this shit
Tortured what was your first fucking clue
Do this to myself
Smiling at the thought
What was the point all along
Breathing to breathe
Living because I was told to
Always loved you
But what was the fucking point
God or the devil does it matter?
When nothing has ever mattered
Me and you become one
Fucked yet we keep going on

 

It’s all so pointless…

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No after thought… only this…

Torture me, torture myself
Fuck you
Gave in when I knew
It was all a lie
Made you up inside my head
As real as I want it to be
Choking on a thought
Chewing on glass
Who needs a reason
When there is a why

 

Drowning myself in shit
Smiling all the way down
: )

 

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Apparently inktober is happening… makes sense.. being that it is October… anyway… check out the awesome work… my friend Little Fears is doing… Hope you enjoy… I know I have been… Haunting my dreams… turning them to nightmares…