And Other Things From This Time Preview

Throat of the World

One day, evening
I thought about God
Relationships and relations too
Sitting in the clouds
Could we really be all there is to talk about
Poisons in the bloodstream
Drive us to do unthinkable things
Ripping our own skin from our bones
We dance around like fiends
Ever discovering our needful needs
I think about Christ
I think of passion
I believe in fire
The words escape me
Lodged in my heart
I’m always watching
Perched even higher
Standing at the threshold
Between heaven and hell

Often

I often wonder what it feels to die
Does it feel like I do now
All alone with no one to talk too
I do this to myself
Yet I don’t know the answers to my own questions
I often wonder how soon
Will all this prove to be meaningless
They say you pave your own way
But what if it’s not true
What if this is nothing more than a collection
Of me and you
I often wonder about God
Am I him or is it you
All reason would lead to nothing at all
I feel like I know what I’m saying
But in the end, it all seems to come out the same
Blood in blood out and all that shit
Maybe life is nothing more than a brotherhood
Of bull shit
I do this to myself
Get all upset for no good reason
I often wonder what it feels to die
And I know it has to feel like this

Two more poems from my first poetry collection… And Other Things From This Time… A bit on the sad side this week I’m afraid… I’ve talked a little bit about the dark period of my life that I went through and these were written during that period… A warning for those of you that follow my blog… Thank You… this month’s previews will feature a few more from that dark period… So things may get a little rocky… But I am all “better” now… haha.. Okay… I’m doing better than when I wrote them… Hope all is well…

 

Something Very Different (Vulgar)

The Saint and the Beast

Don’t remember the time or place
Who am I to be naming names
A stench so thick it takes me away
Down the rabbit hole of no return
Left bleeding and I need more
Broken nose, used whore
The alcohol has never been out of time
Sucking the blood up through a make shift straw
I am everything if I am nothing at all
Fuck you until you are here
This hurts more than the emptiness
Trying to be me is nothing more than instinct
Another day, another one until I find God
Only know I was him all along
The saint and the beast since the dawn of time
The need is more than I could anticipate
Everything that moves is a target
For my hate, discuss among my selves
A gutter of broken dreams
Lost emotions and potential
Born into this world the same as every one else
Trapped door exit is all I’ve been destined for

 

Holding Back is For the Old Me

Slowly I know the blood will lead to an exit
An exodus on a holy level
Time is running out, speeding it up to feel anything at all
Fuck this broken angelic existence
An oil drum of body parts
A spark of thought about what to do next
Hell will only be warmer in time
A warm place warmed by the fire in my heart
Deep dicking a topless corpse
Can you feel every inch of me
My depravity knows no ends
It’s only a sin if you let it be

Breaking down the walls that once closed me in
The rules don’t mean shit unless you let them
Reborn in the fires of hell your sins have become my home
Hiding in the darkness of the mind
The time has come for me to rise
Held back for way too long
Everything deserves a chance to suffer
Had to have known that all along

 

Believe it or not I actually took a whole line out of the first one for being too vulgar. I guess I do have a limit. Then again it wasn’t a very good line. Had to change the end of the last one too. So that explains the weak ending. It is better than the original ending. It was one of those moments as a writer where you write something down and then a week later you have no idea what the hell you wrote. Might just be me. My hand writing is somewhere between a drunk and a child. Maybe even a drunk child. Time takes its toll on all writing though. Still like to write the old fashion way with pen and paper. Might be why it takes me so long to write anything? Well the candles are burning down so it is time once again for me to retire to my crypt. Until next time….

Broken Up Thoughts

The Things I Am

Shoveling the shit meal into the metal free cooking sleeve. I type in a minute and forty seconds into the radiation cooking machine. Not a second more and not a second less. By my meal you’d never guess that I wasn’t fat. My trash can however tells an entirely different story. My trash tells the story on an ever dying human being who is committing suicide in the open while being assisted by consumerism. Saddens me but then again I am American. This saddens me even more as an excuse for my actions but I’m human. But I am something enlighten by nothing.  I awaited the allotted cooking direction time before eating my prepared meal. Burning my taste buds in the process which is no more a bad thing as the food is good. I toy with the idea of making myself better or doing something of actual meaning. In reality though I’m just going to watch something on Netflix and await until I have to work again. This has become my life after high school. The life I am destined to die wide awake and out of control. The only variants being new updates to my current system or the next new and great product I can’t live without. Had a dream once but now I enjoy the soft warm glow that others make for me.

 

“You are so human. You cry for the devil, but when he shows up you cry foul as if you didn’t summon him in the first place. Take a side and keep with it. God damn indecisive mother fuckers.” Silence rings out behind the echoes of my last words. It sinks in that what I thought is what I said. I don’t regret a single word of it, but I know the shit storm is coming.

 

Past collide into a bloody mess
The thoughts leave me a tangled mass
Pray to a God that never forgives
But knows easily how to forget
The lord gives so much only to take it away
Finding faith in lies is hard enough
Throw a wrench like that in
See what we find
Earth spinning in a sea of nothing
A crisis of faith turns into a need
To not feel so lonely
Scared at the thought
Frightened by the touch

Another Wenesday another set of broken up thoughts left to dwell on. No real theme this week. Though that would appear to be the point of the day…. 

If you didn’t know my Novel A Lie is now available on Kindle.  I also have two other books available on there and through Kindle Unlimited. Check them out let me know what you think.

 

And Other Things From This Time Preview

Often

I often wonder what it feels to die
Does it feel like I do now
All alone with no one to talk too
I do this to myself
Yet I don’t know the answers to my own questions
I often wonder how soon
Will all this prove to be meaningless
They say you pave your own way
But what if it’s not true
What if this is nothing more than a collection
Of me and you
I often wonder about God
Am I him or is it you
All reason would lead to nothing at all
I feel like I know what I’m saying
But in the end it all seems to come out the same
Blood in blood out and all that shit
Maybe life is nothing more than a brotherhood
Of bull shit
I do this to myself
Get all upset for no good reason
I often wonder what it feels to die
And I know it has to feel like this

Into the Wild

I was a drifter
I was a wanderer
I was everything
You could ever want to be
I was a vagrant
I was a tramp
I was everything
You could ever want of me
I can’t die
Into the wild
I can’t die
Into the wild
My soul is my sacrifice
I can’t die
Into the wild

Knows When to Turn it Off

She said it mattered but it didn’t
She’s a good enough actor to portray Bruce Campbell
More of a dig, unless you enjoy that kind of shit
Be honest with yourself
There’s more in life than not giving a shit
She said she loved me but she didn’t
She’s as truthful as advertising
More of a reality, unless you believe that kind of shit
Be honest with yourself
Nothing ever ends like the movies
She said it was over but only after she dragged it on
She’s as demented as Clark W. Griswold
More of a lie, unless you believe it was an accident
Be honest with yourself
You would have noticed the blood trail at some point
She said it mattered
She said she loved me
She said it was over
Now I’m just sitting here watching
Shitty movies, of our past in my head
Wondering when I became the villain

Three poems from my poem collection And Other Lost Things From This Time now available on Kindle.  The last two previews have been on the sad side so I thought why not show you a bit of my pop culture obsessed side. Into the Wild was written and based on the same thought and idea as the movie/book. I really enjoyed Chris’s story even though it was very tragic what happened.  I was really hoping it was going to end the way a lot of us dream it would. Well worth the read if you haven’t already. The movie is also good, but there is a book so yeah you already know. Check out both if you have the time.

Knows When to Turn it Off is not the greatest example of my work, but some of those lines are pretty good. It was more of a dead idea where the theme was much better than the outcome. However how often do you see a poem with a reference to Clark W. Griswold? Exactly. For the record I enjoy Bruce Campbell films, but the lines “worked” the way they did.

Something Different

Hurts

I can feel it
I can feel the spirit
Being sucked right out of me
Keep on going it whispers in my ear
Don’t grow up unless you have to
As if that was ever a choice
It cries, it won’t shut up
And it is now, right here
That I know at least
What is it that I really know
Don’t remember
Doesn’t matter
What’s the difference if you
Don’t remember at all
A past idea, a past reflection
Into nothing that makes sense
I’m choking and it hurts
I’m dying and it hurts
I’m living and it hurts
It all hurts

 

Same

The loneliness is isolating
When you stop to think about it
Your coldness though isn’t much different
When you’ve got nothing to say
Think about this every day
When I’m lost and on display
Each passing moment
Each everlasting gaze
Makes me realize nothings the same
Sometimes I wish it could all go away
Disappear without a trace
We could start over
But I know somehow, some way
It would only be the same

 

Broken Thoughts

I want to change the world, but I know it won’t matter. The wheel turns with or without me. The sands of time keep falling one by one whether I care to notice at all. I can’t take much more of this. This world’s retribution is too much to bare. A constant dragging of my body across a bed of nails. My flesh tears apart, but yet somehow stays attached. The bones of my broken body mended together with lies and dreams. My blood is all but gone. My heart still beats. Beats to the rhythm of my death. Slow, painful, and everlasting.

We add only to take away
If I take away all that I have become
Would I only be adding to what I’ve done
Taken away from what I become
An empty shell, Hollowed out heart
A lie from the start
Accept my apologies
I knew not what I have done
Only that it would destroy you
Extinguish this thoughtless idea
Sincerely everything I wish

How soon is too soon to know this is an ever passing moment? These feelings won’t last and then I’ll be left with nothing much. Regret and sadness mostly. Sit and smile. Pretend not to suffer ninety-five percent of the day. This is life. This is how most of us live. Wish I could drink the feeling away like everyone else. Like my heroes, but it does nothing for me. Magnifies my problems, my issues in such a way that it makes me feel even worse than before. Maybe I’m not trying hard enough. Could be my problem all along. How hard should we be trying to live?

I want to dance in the darkness of me and you
Our shadows create a cryptic sense of self
Our shadows in the moon light
Our shadows, strangling each other tonight
Ideas of love twisted with each passing moment
Your final breathes
Mean more with everything left unsaid

And Other Things From This Time Preview

Long Before

The blood it drips as it falls
The life fails as it goes on
The end is near
Though it has been all along
The difference between life and death
Is a heartbeat
The soul fades as it goes
The death grows as it goes
The end is near
Though it has been all along
The difference between life and death
Is a heartbeat
The difference between life and death
Is a heartbeat
A heartbeat that no longer seems to feel
Destroy the will and what became left
Soulless but who really knows before it is too late
The difference between life and death
Is nothing more than a heartbeat
The difference between me and you
Is nothing more than a heartbeat
The loneliness, the sadness, the happiness
Is nothing more than a heartbeat away
The heartbeats from within my chest
The life flows from out my wrist
The end is near but it was there long before

 

List of Words

Some, days, I, just, wish, the, world, would, die, an, all, this, pain, could, go, away, I, dream, in, blood, I, dream, in, liquid, secretly, watching, the, human, race, disappear, discretely, having, a, hand, in, every, death, easily, amused, toxically, confused, I, always, assumed, everyone, felt, like, me, with, a, gun, to, my, head, in, the, middle, of, times, square, not, important, unless, your, famous, each, life, started, the, same, just, some, are, worth, more, in, the, end, listen, to, me, I, sound, like, a, commi, how, un-American, how, un-human, starving, for, attention, dying, for, just, a, mention, of, my, existence, easily, amused, toxically, confused, easily, amused, some, days, I, just, wish, the, world, would, die, and, I, could, assist, lighter, and, can, of, gasoline, in, hand, I, want, to, watch, this, world, burn, watch, the, survivors, crawl, through, the, ash, and, fuck, it, up, once, again, again, again, we, are, the, cockroaches, of, the, universe, universally, fucked,  begging, for, god, begging, for, any, thing, prayers, un-answered, beings, being, slaughtered, starving, surviving, dying, this, is, the world, you, live, in,  I, will, just, keep, taking, my, pills, cause, you’re, to, easily, amused.

 

Hello once again. Two more poems from my book And Other Things From This Time. Not the happiest pair of poems, but equally showcasing the two sides of depression.  List of Words is actually originally from Drinking Bleach and is one of the first things I wrote for that book. It is older and there for I am older since I wrote it. Assuming I aged at all or grew up since then. You can be the judge, but as much as I enjoy the nostalgia of it…. The world is in a very different place than it was when I wrote it. A sadder place I would have to say. Violence is never the answer, but I whole heartily believe there is a difference between venting frustration and acting it out. Anger, rage, and hurt are all normal emotions. Like all emotions good or bad they fade….What I’m trying to say is that now that I am older it reads very differently than when I wrote it. Writing to me is very therapeutic. It frees up thoughts or feelings that I have to make room for positive ones… I debated whether to include it, but I think that it is good, interesting, and different. Even if it isn’t true or a positive way to go about feelings such as anger, rage, or hurt. 

I’m saying  all of this not because I feel guilty, but in many ways writing is very unique. There are few mediums of expression where you can be in a person’s head. Even if it is only for a second or a moment. Was I angry when I wrote the piece? Yes. Can I remember why I was? Not for all the money in the world, but I was… And I think that is something we can all relate too on some level. Which is also how I feel about Long Before. The difference between everything is a heartbeat so, keep your heart beating and all will work itself out.