Too Big To Fit With The Rest

This was supposed to be with the very first post for Lemonade and Glass… Then it grew too large to shove in there… so I was going to cut it down… Then the shooting happened and well that didn’t pan out… two months too late…

 

Cruci-fiction In Space by Marilyn Manson (Glass)

Holywood was a pretty amazing album as a whole… just about any song on there is one of my favorite… I chose this particular track because of the haunting and spacey music… I also think that this track blends the overall concept of the three album concept that Manson was working on… I think Manson takes on a lot of shit for his image and music… I had the benefit of not being subjected or shown a lot of what Mason was doing until after the fact… Told Manson was the most god-awful thing… the devil… made it something I had to check out when I was finally able to get my hands on it… It became for me a forbidden secret that I was a Manson fan… Which in retrospect was pretty fucking hilarious considering my parents had no problem with me listening to Cradle of Filth… who literally have a whole concept album about Lucifer… nor did they have a problem with me watching violent horror films… or playing violent video games… What can I say the late nineties and early 00’s… music was the evil of the day…

Manson I think was something else… and what that was, was exactly what he wanted to be… Manson tricked America into giving him power… If you really look at what he did… he didn’t do anything… that was what was so crazy about Manson to me… tearing up a bible?.. Any rational Christians should be smart enough to know that the message of Christ is in your heart not in a book… I mean if you want something to be angry about… Who prints and sells the bible for a profit?.. Then there was the media and political lead crucifixion of Manson over Columbine… Again America put him up on the cross… Not the actions that took place that day… still having issues with gun control… school violence… bullying… in America today…

If you actually listen to or know of the concept of his three biggest albums… It tells the story of a rock star transcending to the point of something more… an Anti-Christ Christ figure… Told in reverse no less… The concept to me was the most interesting thing about Manson… his whole narrative of how America creates celebrity… creates a monster… was fascinating… to not only listen to but to watch play out….

Since I have attempted to write this post yet another school shooting has taken place… Yet again the media is to blame… Not the actions of the shooter, but the media that drove him to do it… It’s been over a week since the latest tragedy and I have yet to hear anything from the shooter… One interview where he is like I did this because of this or I was influenced to do this because… However, We have had a rather interesting escape goat worth of responses as to why this all happened…

We have all this blame on mental illness… We have a problem with mental illness in America and maybe the world I’m not sure, but mental illness is a very vague term… again we want to go on the defense against something rather than the issue itself… guns were the problem here yet again… mental illness may have played a part and probably did… but having a mental illness doesn’t mean you are going to shot up a school… in fact, all it means is that you have a mental illness… guns shouldn’t be available to anyone with or without a mental illness… Check out Falling Down… a movie about a normal man pushed to the edge of his mental limits… a movie about a man who can’t take any more… completely normal yesterday… lost his damn mind the next… how do we stop him?…

How do we use these new proposals to end gun violence against someone who hasn’t been broken yet?… It is not as though you check the guns out and return them when you are done…  again we let children die and again we will fail to act… Really hope John Wick 3 is bloody enough to justify the next school shooting or we might just have to start getting rid of teenagers because we sure as shit aren’t going to get rid of guns..(Lemons here… yep… I will be crossing my fingers for gun control from down under… )

a lifetime for it to make no sense… we bleed the martyrs dry and wait for the next one… we say we care but have we ever?… 

Broken Thoughts

The signs were there all along
Lighting the way for the climax
Illuminating the inevitable fall
Who does this to them to themselves
Statistically speaking one and the same
Reality couldn’t be any further apart
Looked so good on paper
It had to work at least once
What could all this really mean
To someone who doesn’t care
I gave up but we took turns
Statistically speaking one or both should be dead by now
Still fucking breathing in all the pain
Still thinking about all the shit never said
If we can’t be honest then why worry about the truth
Inhuman to think this all began with a lie

 

65 pages on the same thought
Six albums and I’ve already forgot
Therapy couldn’t be any simpler
If only it had worked the first time
Revisiting the same sad thoughts
That makes me so fucked up
Dancing with the devil couldn’t release these demons
Gods warm embrace hasn’t done much to subside the pain
Out of options and ways to say
I hate you
So I’ll see you there
Pretend to not care but I always will
No matter how much I stab at the thoughts
Burn them down and piss on the ashes
They will still be there, we will still be here

 

Skin
The skin bleeds as the knife digs deeper
My skin spreads open revealing bone
The skin peels back as I pull
My skin lies in a pile on the floor

The skin is a metaphor for something I don’t know
My skin is missing but I am whole

Can you see everything you’ve become
Every little thing you have done
Like memories burning in the sun
I feel every ray and question why
Reflecting on nothing at all
In some way became something
Each and everything
Apart of something bigger
Picture unclear, vision blurry
Think one day I’ll know
By then it will be too late
Time has a way of reflecting on things
Now is not the time or place
But at the end does it all make sense

 

I really like playing the asshole, the liar, the thief it’s so much easier than it is to be me.  I just can’t take the loneliness. I’m lonelier now than I was before I gave it all up. The voices in my head have taken over and there is no telling what they have or haven’t said at this point. The long conversations I once had have given into a world that I have created. My life has been a long spiral down to this point. I’m at the bottom and I really don’t feel any worse than when I was at the top. Gone are the days where anything makes sense, the days of innocence, and the days plagued by truth. Here and now is hell. No longer am I waiting to grow up. Now I’m just waiting to die. I’ve never felt any more at home than I do now…

A Lie Preview

Salvation

Like a typical piece of shit that I am, I can feel it. I can feel it kick in and start all over again. I’d be a liar if I said I hated it. If I said I didn’t enjoy it. That it wasn’t fun even for a second, but it is not about the fun I scream at myself. There is more hate than pleasure but how can anyone tell the difference. The soothing nature of the whole thing washes over me. This must be what it feels like for a baby in a warm bath. Though I am not a child so I don’t know. Or maybe I am a child strung out on the adolescent dreams and fantasies. My thoughts are scattered, but then they always are. If I don’t feel this way all I want is to feel this way. I want more, I need more, but more will have to wait. I’m always searching for this over and over. God, I hate this so much. Filled with so much confusion. So much pain. I want to break, to destroy everything in sight. I hate myself but most of all I hate everything even more. There is nothing anymore that doesn’t remind me of her. There is nothing anymore that I adore. If this could last forever then I wouldn’t need to do anymore. One more hit and then I won’t do any for a while. The lie consumes me and I believe it. I am it. I am everything I have ever set out to be. Tailspin this shit into the ground and ride it out into my deepest despair. I’m laughing but really I am crying, and this is all I have to hold onto to. Till I’m lost in the darkness once again. Salvation is more than a place or a state of mind. Salvation is a dream that is no longer a reality. Salvation is everything that I once held in high regard. Salvation is the end of everything. Did so much that I passed right out. I wake up on my floor. How I got here I’m not sure but I know that it doesn’t matter anymore. Because where I am is where I will be. It feels so good to be me.

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Broken Thoughts

Always standing and watching
Participation is only an option
Waiting through the darkness
Copying, pasting thoughts and ideas
My thoughts have never been
Mine and Mine alone

Generations of bending and shaping
A never ending conclusion of thought

Walking this as slow as I can
The rush to die wasted on the youth
Thoughts of immortality disappear with every year
To be trapped in this old casket
Would be hell
The sands of time will only weigh me down from here
Giving in was never an option
It was always the plan

Away From Me
Your words don’t inspire me
They dig, carve out a place within my soul
A den of deceit, lies, beauty to unfold
They consume, swallow me whole
Every instance of instinct
Every truth of existence
Proves my point as it grows
The thoughts burn up inside me
I’m burning down slowly
Ashes given back to the earth
Lonely, depressed maybe this is what I deserve
A life wasted on dreams, on the absurd
The more I want it the further it seems
What is it that I want so badly in these dreams?
The fire must rage, fuel to the flame
Even if it is slowly killing me all the same
What do I have left
Ashes, condemned to my last breath

So sick of being me
Lost all religion
Lost everything when you cried
Dragging myself through this hell
No longer recognize what I’ve become
It’s a long road traveled or not
Feel the pain of a thousand worlds
Carry with me every word ever said
Brain won’t shut up
Movies playing in my head
Every thing that could have been
Memories of you faded in the background
How I wish I could
Change any of this
Once spoken, said forever
Only one way to end it all
Only one word that means anything

Separate skin from bone
Shaving off the fat left behind
Drinking the blood of Christ to let go
Was there the moment he died so long ago
Endless in time, the moments tick by
How I wish I could only go home