Chutoro Dawn

We once said yes
We once admitted that love exists
Upon a time there was a me and you
Sixteen counts of murder
Forty five different sins
Had to come down to this at some point
Flashing moments that this could last
Fleeting idea that there was more to this
Upon a time, upon a burning body
Staring into each others eyes
Seventeen counts of murder
Forty six different sins
Had to be a reason this went on for so long
Young love seems so irresponsible
Lust only a reason to drive us on
Upon a time, upon your naked body
The blood drips and the love dies
Eighteen counts of murder
Forty seven different sins
Me and you until the very end

 

It was like praying to God while the devil stands by your side… Something was happening but not what you ever wanted…

 

Standing in the darkness
Staring right through it
Your body lies in pieces
A work of art 
Made of flesh and blood
Hacked off all the limbs
To prove a point
The darkness consumes me
I have to admit
I’m starting to like this
Laughing through the pain
Laughing right through it
Your agony was therapeutic
Chaotic and to the point
Getting right down to the core of it
I’m starting to understand who I really am

 

We get lost in all these stupid fucking words… These endless conversations about nothing that when something important comes up… We are at a loss for words…

 

With marked bullets piercing my chest
There can be no rest

The wicked have fallen to the saints of all things
The lie spread through religion
The lie living within us all
Flames rise up, surrounded by a wall of fire
Breaths become shallow, inhaling the flames
Devil broken, beaten, and gone
The evil lies within
The evil consumes the meek
Massacre in the streets
Blood rises with the tide
Full moon catharsis
Pray for lies to become truth
Pray for soul
All you know locked in a book of lies
Locked away deep in your mind

 

The Ungame turn…. fuck I don’t know anymore… “If someone were to write a book about you… What do you think they would call it?”…. How Much Time Do You Have?… haha… actually it is titled… Fuck… I Hate It Here… one day I will finish it… one day… I keep telling myself… 

Threadless… shirts… Amazon… books… Etsy…. art… Thank you to all of those that support me every day… 

Chewing On Glass Dog Theme

Things To Do When There’s Nothing To Do…

Start Over…

Said everything there is left to say
It is almost time to stop all this shit
Been on the fringe of a nervous breakdown
Searching for the right things to say
Nothing comes to mind, stay silent
Taught us well now it’s time to show what we’ve learned
At an impasse of great importance
Stand before you, surrounded, know what needs
To be done but will you?
The point is the time
Becoming too late as the next set runs us over
No more time left to live
How it has always been?
The world passes us by at an alarming rate
Fewer of us needed to sustain a comfortable life
Still too many of us left stomping on the ground
No idea what to do?
Strip the world into nothing to sell it right back
What else is there to do?
The poison sowed into the very fabric of who we are
Tear your eyes from the screen and look around
Why would we ever?
Guilty, don’t know a better way
Purge ourselves to save the rest from what we’ve become
Don’t know a better way to solve this problem
Wouldn’t do it myself but would you?
The words don’t seem to reach those above us
Not too sure they’d even notice we were gone
Do you even know them?
Dollars and sense maybe wasn’t the best way to go about this
Already heard it all before, time to start over
We’re we ever in control?

 

Painting Futures

This is no way to live
In the shadow of the generation before
Kept as a pet, something to adore
Listen to what needs to be said
Too late the day has come and went
Give us a reason to follow our hearts
Destroyed, locked away, extermination
Our futures are beyond fucking pointless
Give me a reason to give a fuck
The silence is beyond anything we could say
Without faith in ourselves
We are so lost
This is no way to live
Know no other way
Second guess myself at every thought
Living without guidance only rules
So fucking offended at the suggestion
I feel, don’t we all
I feel, that only you matter
I feel, I feel, I fucking feel

None of this matters
We have to find meaning out of nothing
The world doesn’t revolve
It only drags us around
This is no way to live, but what other was there?

 

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A little dark today… haha… might be a running theme through my head… a little crazy mixed in there too… working on a short story… the first in a long time… don’t want to say too much… kind of excited at the idea… mostly because I have no idea where it is going to end… when you will be able to read it… I have no idea… I just thought you should know… 

Speaking of things you may want to know…. Threadless… shirts…. Amazon… books… Etsy… art… and yes I feel dirty… : )

Begging Me To Stay…

The skin bleeds as the knife digs deeper
My skin spreads open revealing bone
The skin peels back as I pull
My skin lies in a pile on the floor
The skin is a metaphor for something I don’t know
My skin is missing but I am whole
Who I’ve always been
A separation between skin and man

 

Every silver car and every crowed stream
I’m sick of always cooking on your dreams
Starting to get to me
All the leftovers of your evil ways
Clogged arteries and every fast food chain
How many different ways do you need to die
Go ahead discuss, I’m all ears
Beat me over the head with your fears
Here are a few of mine
That all of this won’t sink in
Okay I have more
Not enough time to give a fuck
Dancing on the way to our deaths
Join the conga line you un-American prick
Subscribe here to submit your like
They make the difference we couldn’t commit
How can we fail if we’re already dead
How could any of this ever matter
Except for in our heads

 

Forever is forever and eternity is only for a second
Eternity is eternity and life is only for a minute
Life is life and thought is only for an hour
Thought is thought but suffering is for a lifetime

 

Can you see everything you’ve become
Every little thing you have done
Like memories burning in the sun
Feel every ray and question why
Projections of thoughts against the wall
Reflecting on nothing at all
In some way became something
Each and everything
Apart of something bigger
Picture unclear, vision blurry
Think one day I’ll know
By then it will be too late
Time has a way of reflecting
The things locked inside our minds
Now is not the time or place
But at the end it all becomes clear
So we hope, so we believe
Kneeling down to you
Standing before the altar of time
All the signs pointing in every direction
All the paths wide open
What do I do?… 

 

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Got a little weird with it today… felt like a weird day to me… maybe because I actually got some sleep?… unsure been awhile since this has happen to me… anyone with kids will understand this next part… had the night off from my daughter… had the whole night to do anything I wanted… so I chose to sleep… and we can all agree I made the best choice… 

Been working on more paintings… will be posting more in the next few months on my Etsy… I’ve even been working on some stuff that isn’t just paintings… trying to unlock something in my mind that I know is hidden in there somewhere… what it is I’m looking forward to finding out… 

In the mean time… you can check out more on Amazon… books… Threadless… shirts… Etsy… art… and any comments or reviews are always helpful… thank you for taking the time… see you all Monday… by then this good mood should have worn off… : )

Broken Thoughts

We try to recreate things from memory
From feeling, never the same in our heads
Misquoting everything in sight
So we begin this story of deceit
From within, from the soul
Need you to relate even if it is only
To prove a point
Selfishness runs deep
Ignorance so much deeper
Diseased and seeking some sort of care
The depression is so much worse with them
Broken and needing something more
So blind to everyone else’s needs

 

Turns out I traded one mask for another after all

 

Your death rattle escape
Won’t shake all the demons free
Still lurking in the darkness
We’ve been waiting a long time
We’ll keep waiting with all the patience
Of a saint, a devil in disguise
Wings made of bone and tarred on feathers
We know pain above anything else
We’ve known its caress since the dawn of time

Always on the fence. I’m always on the fence.

 

I gave it all up for this?
These feelings don’t subside
These feelings grow deeper
Slip into the cracks of my broken heart
Give it another year
Give me a whole lifetime
Waste it once again
If I could do it over
So unsure I would
Life gets easier with time
Because the will to live
Goes with it
Gave up my soul for something I don’t know
Want it back but I’m so unsure

 

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Lets keep this odd train a rolling… was on my way to work today when an odd thought came across my mind… civil services is the only job where it is okay to be an asshole to the ones that pay you… the only job where it is an actual possibility that you could beat your employer too much… if I even raised a fist to someone I work with I would be fired instantly… yet a cop could hit you with a baton and as long as you seemed like you were resisting… perfectly legal… if I’m not careful how I talked to someone at work… it would cost me my job… but a judge could and can talk down to you… they can literally judge you… and they are applauded for it… basically I got in the wrong line of work… 

Could you imagine for a moment though… if these things were reversed… sure it could suck… take the suck out for a moment… but things might actually be more efficient… if people actually thought something could happen to them… sure we still speed… we still break the law… but many of us don’t for fear that a baton might come across our face… or we could get shot… but at my work at least… many of them have the attitude I get paid either way… or as one of my fellow “Hard Workers” said to me… “Why are you organizing? It is only going to get messed up again”… (insert I may kill you face)… I wonder why that might be?… 

I don’t know… only a broken thought that I stumbled across… 

Threadless… shirts… Amazon… books… Etsy… art… 

Broken Thoughts

It’s been a minute…

Gave up more than I’m willing to admit
Pushed it away like it meant nothing
Lied to myself and wonder why I’m so fucked up
Liar, cheat, piece of shit
My anxiety starts right here with me
Gave away more of me then I’d like to admit
God can judge me and the devil can have me
Already knew I belonged to a worthless existence
Wish it wasn’t so easy to feel like this
Gave up so much already
How much more am I willing to give
After it is all said and done

 

Breaking up the moments of everyday life
The bitching becomes routine and only you know why

 

16 hours ago who knows where I was
But 16 hours from now I know exactly where I’ll be
Stuck here thinking about you again
Rotting brain but somehow it all seems okay
Even if the thoughts of murder, suicide, experimentation
Are deemed mildly insane
32 hours spent drowning you in your own blood
Was well worth the lack of sleep
Prison sentence, maybe not, maybe I never left
Always been locked inside my head
Sure it bothers you in some way
Completely normal
Doubt I’d ever do it, never know until you push
Not everything we think, we say
Can be normal in every way
(Completely edited and messed around with this one… more at the bottom..)

 

Picking up the pieces that are left of my life
I’m not sure how much of it can be put back in place
Spent too long thinking there was no end in sight
Neglected everything around me
My friends, my family, everything but myself
Selfishness, who I am, who I’ve always been
Excuses I tell myself to justify my actions
Unforgiving and out of touch
The pieces slip through my hands
Trail of blood, a trail of pain, a stream of consciousness
All the little fears I tell myself to get by
Smash my head into place

Bloody Words Logo

 

As promised the unedited version of that Broken Thought… Not all things start out how they were originally written… (Bold parts are the changed or omitted parts)…

16 hours ago who knows where I was
But 16 hours from now I will know exactly where I am
Stuck here thinking about you again
Rotting brain but somehow it all seems okay
Even if the thoughts of murder, suicide, experimentation
Are deemed mildly insane
What can I say not everything we think about
Can be normal in every way
Alright I know it’s not okay but it feels right
32 hours spent drowning you in your own blood
Was well worth the lack of sleep
Prison sentence, maybe not, only one way to tell
Doubt I’ll do it, but never know until you push
Sure it bothers you in some way
Feel the same if it wasn’t so normal to me
To feel this way
What can I say not everything we say
Can be normal in every way

As you can see I cut a lot of fat… changed or condensed some lines or thoughts… I also wrote a few totally new lines as well… In some ways it changes the context of the thought… but only by a little… Often in these Broken Thoughts that happens… Mostly because some of these broken pieces of thoughts are years old… I have changed… a little not much… but enough that my thoughts have changed on the matter… 

Threadless… shirts… Amazon… books… Etsy… art… until next time… enjoy your day… 

Hidden Meaning Lost On Me…

Facts

Had to get something better
Only to see how it feels
Feels the same only worse
Nothing is ever what it seems
Nothing seems like it ever was
Lost over time
Still not sure what I have become
Adult, child words
Have no meaning until you give
Purpose to them
I say I care but I don’t think
I ever have
I lie to make myself to feel better
Now I have become the lie
And I feel like shit
If only I had a purpose
If only I had meaning
If only I could become the words
I pretend to live by

 

Inside, Still Hurting

Had a dollar
Now I have five
Lost it all
Now only left with lies
What is the cost of a soul
Slowly choking
Slowly dying
If you haven’t guessed
It is you I despise
Words can be missed judged
Actions never get taken the wrong way
Make it up as you go
These are the truths that
Only encompasses a lie
Felt I had more
If I only realized
I’d burn all this shit down
Start over
Once I eat the ashes
The new god will cease to live
In your pagan made up language
Sold my soul to assume my goal
Now how about you?

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“But at least you tried”… Is my favorite lyric from any song ever… bonus points if you guessed Eulogy by Tool… that seems to be my life right now… seems to be my life looking back… seems to be my life looking forward… doesn’t matter what happened… is happening… will happen… at least I tried… But is that good enough?… is anything ever good enough?… for you… for me… for anyone?… so fed up with trying to be good enough… because the answer is no… nothing is ever good enough… for god… for our parents… for our loved ones… for ourselves… down and out… and yet I keep swinging… keep pushing forward… keeping going on as if somehow I will overcome this feeling… this idea… that one day everything will be good enough… life’s a bitch… and then you have to live it… 

Threadless… shirts and merch… Amazon… more depressing ass words… Etsy… overpriced subconscious art… 

Non Carbonated… Yet Still Tastes the Same…

The chambers of the heart
Keep pumping blood
Even if there is no will to go on
Patience but for what
A long waiting game for nothing at all
I carved one out
Only to give one up
Nothing feels natural anymore
A made up act
I call love

The bullet grazes the side of my head. It hurts like hell, but it’s not death so at least I got that going for me. Digging myself out of this ditch is going to be the real bitch of all of this. Left for dead and now I have nothing left to lose. With every step sliding. Mud blood drenched, water logged, and full of pain. If the body moves then never count it out. Pushing through all the bull shit. Pushing through all the pain. I will kill each and every one of them. Slowly until their last breath translates into my own suffering. The anger drives me to do what needs to be done. 

My rage is all I own
Tells me everything there is to know
Dictates a path through the fog
My rage is everything and nothing
Wrapped in a package laced with explosives
Thought I knew the sequence
How would I ever know the truth
This is all part of something
A never ending novel with no resolve
The actions take place long ago
But the fall out is here and now

We are all so damaged in some way. A bit off but mostly no one notices until they spend some time with you one on one. Sifting from place to place as though nothing at all. Already so gone from everyone around me. I want to disappear even further. As close to death as I can get I assume. Far removed from this world of money and greed. I’m tired of thinking or feeling if I only had this. What is this when in reality this is nothing? Freedom apparently is all of this shit. I hate everyone. Surprised it took this long to say. Why bother with anything if everything bothers me? So sick of human touch. The thought of decay we spread every day. I’m so sick from the feel of it all. Tomorrow I will run away, but I know that my ass will be glued to this place. Where could I really go in a planet full of us?

It would be fine if only I had the answers
Or maybe if I knew the question
Goes together as though they fit the same puzzle
My head is cluttered with all that I remember
Blocking out any new thought I could possibly imagine
What I am, who I am
Is not what I once was
Though what I’ve become

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Had no idea where this was going when I started… still don’t… always the best… fit together like a puzzle or overall chaos?… such is life sometimes… been busy behind the scenes doing nothing I suppose… it is summer here after all… I hate summer… all about the winter… all about the cold… the decay… the eventual rebirth of the planet… that time between death and life… has me written all over it… only forever and a day until we are back to that… in the mean time… I get to sweat my ass off… locked away in my home… brooding over thoughts about nothing at all… so a normal day really… just more sweat… mixed into the blood… 

Happy to announce that I have opened an Etsy store… still no idea how it works… should be another train wreck on top of a four car pile up… needless to say I am hyped… if you have the time check it out… still working on more… also working on different things than I normally would… thanks to my friends PeterKaty… and Lemons support… so thank you to you three… and thank you to all that like and support me… means the world to me… until next week… Stay Classy WordPress… 

Threadless… shirts and shit…. Amazon… words and shit…. Etsy… art and shit… Twitter… mindless self indulgence… and shit… : )