Broken Thoughts… First Rehearsal…

Lips are cracked and bleeding
Purging the obvious
Drinking to wish this all away
Empty alley, a new home
Staring down death with nothing left
Had a name, gave it up to be this
Worth it for a worthless choice
Circumstances of my personal consumption
Forgive me for calling so late
Aware time always meant something to you
A purpose, a place, some where to be

Timing is everything
The reason behind right and wrong
Justification for what we believe
Too early, too late, it all fucks up just the same

 

Good luck suffering in place. Save a space for me.

 

Last week I was in New York and this week I’m in Seattle. What’s the point of fucking phones if we have to meet face to face? Come see the freak in a mask made of glass. A fragile ego they all want to shatter. Break me open and see what’s left inside. Haven’t I given you enough? Another rewrite another pass. What the fuck do I pay these people for? “The covers no good too violent, too obscene. Got any ideas?” Yeah, you just shit all over them. “The shirts are too much. We are trying to sell an image. Convey an idea of loneliness not sadness.” I was unaware they were two separate things. Pulling my teeth to make me money they say. What a stupid fucking saying. Driving a nail into my brain and they wonder why I’m so pissed off all the time. 

 

A long walk to nowhere at all

 

Thinking things over
Going on from here will be
More difficult this time
A radiant emotion trapped inside
Happiness is a fleeting emotion
Thinking of all the things
Still left to do
The words become a list
Of where I’ve been and where I need to go
Wasn’t prepared for this
Always failing, the success is fleeting
Wanted it always, now that I’m here
Even more lost than before

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I wanted to make a new logo for this week… it didn’t happen… started messing with all the tools… the settings… four hours later… I just said fuck it… next time… so maybe next time…

As soon as I stop being lazy… not any time soon… I want to start working on my short story book again… and I have an idea for another book… going to start working towards that soon… that’s my overall goal for the rest of the year… I need to start trying to submit some stuff to literary magazines and agents again… because life doesn’t seem so shitty as of late… and there is no better way to take that feeling away… : )

It’s like hitting rock bottom… only you could be so lucky to hit it every day… that sounds a little extreme… hitting rock bottom is some pretty serious shit… it is more like… you know that person you “love” but you are too afraid to tell them?… it’s like that… except you do it to multiple people and they don’t have the nerve to even tell you no… they don’t even have the nerve to tell you why… they just send you an email that says… thanks for bringing me your thoughts and feelings… maybe next time… now that I think about it though… I’ve never asked out multiple people out at the same time before… so I have no idea how that would feel…

Come to think about it… I’m not sure I’ve ever ask anyone out to their face… is that normal?… I don’t know… feels weird… where was I?… basically it feels like shit to get rejected… but it feels even worse… going through life without at least trying… 

 

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Living With The Demon… Living With Life…Say Hello To Yes…

Drinking so you’d understand
Drunk because why the fuck not
Pounding away at nothing that makes sense
Never said I wasn’t dense
Fuck the rhyme scheme if it doesn’t make sense

 

Going to hate everything in the morning
Thought of you excites me
Meaning of life has always been
Shit
A shit box wrapped in shit paper
Flush it down, puke away the pain
Hate to tell you this
But fuck all existence
Fuck the words that leave you
Useless
Words to pass the time
Kill anything just so you’d understand
Choking down the parts of life
That make any sense
It might get dark from here
Please understand, this is only how it is
Suck a dick to understand
Worthless existence wrapped in a shit sandwich
I’m more dead than you could imagine
Hollowed out

Who the fuck are you to say
When you’ve had enough anyway?

Suicidal with a fucking plan
Choking on your ridiculousness
Dead to the world
Useless since this beginning

Would you still love me if
I killed all that you knew
Would you still love me if
I was all that you’ve known?

A hero among the wolves
Worthless, go fuck yourself
If you knew all along

Why does my head have to be so heavy?

A day without words
A singular existence left spent
Wishing
Going crazy but I’ve been all along
Listening to songs
Thinking I’m not the only one
Waiting for a sign, waiting for something
To tell me I’m done…

 

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Got lost in a tangent… a fucking thought… yes this is dark… welcome to my soul… the core of what I believe… what I deny to myself daily… I’m not as worthless as I believe…  I’m worth more than I’d like to admit… Don’t ask a question you are not willing to hear the answer to…. Life is not as pretty as you think…. smile this is what it is… 

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I am the Devil
I’ve always believed I could be

 

I’m drunk enough to not press charges…. 

 

Digging Up The Past… Embarrassing To Say The Least…

Lets take it back… back to before the beginning… before the time… I ever wanted to do this… before it was a dream… when it was something I did… over something I wanted to do… if I cut myself open right now… there is no way any of this would come out… lost thoughts… embarrassment… exposed just for you… why the fuck do I do this to myself?… 

 

Age 13: Digging a Ditch Six Feet Deep

Please Stay

I don’t know what to say
You probably wouldn’t understand anyway
You know I love you so why won’t you stay, stay, stay
Hey, Hey, just stay, stay
Sorry if you don’t like the way I speak to you
I’m sorry but you’re the first person I’ve fallen in love with
And I don’t know what to say to make you happy with me
So please stay don’t go away please stay with me please
Stay with me
I’ll try to make you happy with me if you don’t
Go away so please stay with me I’ll make everything be okay

 

(Editors Note)… I cleaned up a fuck ton of editing  mistakes… your vs you’re… ok vs okay… no vs know… so my grammar has at least gotten better over time… not by much… a lot to unpack here… No fucking idea what this was really about… don’t remember writing this at all… but looking back at this time… this point in my life… where I was… I can guess this was about a girl named Ashley… that’s her real name… no fucking clue what her last name is or was… Also we were never together… because I was too scared….

There is one story about her that I can tell… I hate myself so much… you’re welcome… once on a dare… I called her house… we all lived on base so our numbers were listed if you knew the last name… I remember that I kind of knew her last name… at least what it started with… so I called every number until… haha… Jesus… and asked for Ashley until some one said one second… Who the fuck knows how long that took… time is not a thing when you are that young… I finally get her on the line… I’ve been working over what I would say in my head this whole time… I hear her voice… and I shut down… I stay silent… “Hello?”… “Hello?”… finally I say… “Do you know what we are supposed to do for History Class?”… 

That was one of the classes we shared… she tells me whatever it was… “Did you want to talk about anything else?”… “Nope that was it”… hung up the phone… didn’t say… see you tomorrow… thank you… just put the phone down like a zombie… we didn’t talk much if ever again… of course I saw her everyday until I eventually moved… she even dated a guy that looked a lot like me… over weight and funny… I may have built this next part in my head.. who knows or cares after this much time… but you could tell she was unhappy… it was almost like she was trying to tell me to ask… all I had to do was ask… I didn’t… 

I don’t regret dating some girl I have no idea about… I regret not taking a chance… worst thing she could have said was no… be right here where I am anyway… happy… with a family… telling stories… or I might have been a serial killer… life is about gambling… but if you don’t roll the dice… well nothing is going to happen…  

 

Bonus: Favorite Bands At That Time

  1. Blink- 182
  2. Slipknot
  3. New Found Glory
  4. Mudvayne
  5. Soulfly
  6. Alien Ant Farm
  7. Sum 41
  8. Coal Chamber
  9. Fear Factory
  10. Spineshank

(That’s an official list… an official list of sadness…  haha… you know I was cool as fuck at 13… and that’s okay if you don’t think so… haha… we all area bunch of losers in the end… I couldn’t be more proud… embrace who you are… )

 

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Stay on the line for more embarrassing shit… I’ve dug up… 

 

Watching The World Go By… In Ever Passing Moments…

The Plan

Feelings disappear into the light
Faded but always there
Moments in time seems to last forever
Seconds of thought, a lifetime of regret
Decisions made that can’t be undone
Another day in the life of someone else
Too afraid to take a step
Backwards or forwards there is nothing left
Feelings reappearing every night
Haunting me from the shadows
Crosses burning, signaling a fight
A struggle so unreal that it has to be real life
A thought that doesn’t cross empty minds
Time has a way or remaining all the same
People don’t change only the time and place
Lost in a cycle that can’t possibly end
Given up only to just begin
Suffering was always the ultimate plan

 

Mapping out how I would feel
Planning every occurrence that makes this unreal
A desperation so pure
A rotting life left with no cure

 

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Short post today… I’m not feeling today at all… which is an odd way to say that I am feeling too much… too many thoughts to make any sense… ever passing moment… there is a war inside my head… a battle to keep going on… versus a force that says lay down and die… dig a hole and crawl in… ever passing moment… self-destruction was never my thing… only a dream… locked inside my head… “Want to destroy something beautiful”… what is it that I want to destroy?… when I’m so ugly… scared… broken… the surface still… calm… chaos hidden from view… tearing my throat out… won’t shut up… tearing my soul to pieces… can’t give up… some part of me… still in here… in some way… waiting out the storm… ever passing moment… I’m only trying to live… 

 

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“This chicken is really spicy!!!”… My daughter… made me smile when I wanted to cry… all I added was a hint of pepper… little things that make no sense… change of mood… love her… even if I don’t love myself… comforting to know I love at all… 

This Might Get Weird… Real Quick…

So many thoughts coming across the screen… where to begin… when there is so much shit coming at me?… it’s like an endless fucking problem… that no one can figure out… I want to be here… but do I really?… do these things really matter when everything keeps moving?… God… I hope so… Lets start this train wreck of a post… 

 

Rethinking Reason

They say we all have something to say
The lights come on and the words fall out

Needless to say my mind is blank
My lungs bleed to my own stupidity
Frustrated by the every things that make me, me
If I could change one thing
I couldn’t just pick one
So, this exercise is stupid
Thinking about my problems is a waste of time
Stop me if you heard but I don’t care
They say we all have something to say
Well fucking say it already
Rethinking reason because what else was there to do today
When was I ever supposed to feel okay
Could you spell out the reasons
That I shouldn’t jab this fucking pen into my throat
Your silence says more than I ever could
Happen to agree
Happen to want the same things
Fucked myself by ever saying anything
They say we all have something to say
Who the fuck are they anyway?

 

 

If I Told You… Still Wouldn’t Believe Me… Truth…

Sucking on a tailpipe
Getting that feeling back in my lungs
You wouldn’t know
For a second 
Where I’m coming from
Driving the nail 
So deep within my brain
I want to feel this
Fuck you for trying to stop me
Call yourself a friend
A lover, a thing
Let me do it then
Care so much
Your hugs only make me feel
Ugly, stupid, useless
The pain was all I ever wanted
You think you’ve ever known
Why
How many times can you save me
From me?… 
How many times are you willing to
Die?…
I”ll take everything from you
The selfish fucking ass that I am
Suck you fucking dry
A word to the wise
I’d happily watch you die
You’ve always wanted to know
Who I am
Never shied away from what I’ve become
Embraced all the thoughts that make me whole
Always said, always believed
But it has been you that has been living a lie
Nothing more than flowers 
Left at your grave
What you’ve always meant to me
Could you ever believe the truth?

 

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This should go without saying… I’m fucking gone… every songs a reason to go on… rambling was all I was ever good at… a fucking pity party… your invited… but if you aren’t going to take a stab?… why the fuck would you ever show up?… If I Told You It Was So Easy To Lose My Mind…. would you ever believe me… built on the inception of a lie… built on everything that I despise… “Felt like destroying something beautiful”… stab myself in the face mentally… always nice to get away… regretting everything I’ve said… but who the fuck else would ever listen to me?… a psycho with nowhere else to go… a single trap… created by me… a grave I’ve dug myself… why the fuck most this ever go on?… 

A silence comes over me… a moment to understand… I moment to realize…  I was never good enough to be anything… never good enough to say anything… should have shut the fuck up and moved on… should have always been what I was meant to be… a useless fuck that no one ever gave a fuck about… a cog in the machine of life… keep grinding… only to realize… you’ve always been right… no one has ever had the balls to say you aren’t special… except my fate… drowning on dreams… that I could never realize… dragging my ass through the flames… if you think it matters… tell me what you think… I can accept the hate… but this fucking pain?… this fucking need to please everyone around me?… I am everything that I have ever needed… I am everything that I’ve always hated… Breathe in the fucking words… and accept that this is it… that this has always been me… 

Just so you know… This was all worth living… this has all been worth it… 

 

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The bass line alone… no one could ever be as good as this… no pressure… do what you want… but know it was all worth it… 

We Made It Down Here Today… Broken Thoughts All The Same

Heavy handed explanation of nothing at all
A feeling in your heart, a hand around your throat
Broken bodies speaking in tongues
An ancient language only you and I know
Words made of sounds and movements
Killing myself to watch you die
Equality means more than we can understand
Persecution of your heart, of your broken soul
Each thought a loaded weapon against a weak defense
Guilty, charged, walking the winding path
To the hangman’s noose
Together we walk hand in hand
We’ve always known we’d swing together
All that’s left is to not kill each other

 

So I’ve been meaning to ask
I’ve been dying to know
What is it we reap when we sow?

 

I’m scratching and I’m bleeding
I’m wondering if this is what I have always been needing
Hidden deep within my skin
A sin so deep no one can see
Used to love all this pain you put me in
An odd feeling buried in my lungs
I’m scratching and I’m bleeding
I’m digging deeper as if this is what I have always needed
Hidden somewhere within me
A secret so deep no one can see
Used to love all these stupid little things
An odd feeling seeped into my brain
I’m scratching and I’m bleeding
I’m wondering if this has always been me

 

Who the fuck are you to say
You ever thought you’d understand me

 

Stringing together thoughts only to hope you fear them
A frightening time to be me with a shotgun
Too subtle or too direct I’m not sure
The director said to give it some more feeling so here it is
A catalyst of shame and regret
A drug meant to consume more than just your soul
Make you forget all the things you don’t already know
Rambling on about the vanity in your eyes
Too subtle or too direct I’m not sure
Always been a dick in disguise
An asshole buried deep down inside
I’m smiling but I’m so ready to watch you die

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Could someone turn on the light?… got real dark… for no reason why… an endless parade of broken thoughts… had to cut it off somewhere… where to explain… if I should even bother… too subtle or too direct I’m not sure… so unsure about everything… so here it goes… 

Heavy handed explanation of nothing at all (Nervousness about a certain thought… wonder what it could be?… lets find out)
A feeling in your heart, a hand around your throat (Subconscious feeling found in others or one’s self… A want… a need?… everyone is different)
Broken bodies speaking in tongues (Sex)
An ancient language only you and I know (Still sex)
Words made of sounds and movements (Even more sex)
Killing myself to watch you die (Realizing all this relationship has purely physical…)
Equality means more than we can understand (This line just sounds good… haha… the realization that not just the man feels this way… using each other… yet still hurts...)
Persecution of your heart, of your broken soul (Anger or hurt over the last said thought… another version in a sense of how could you do this to me?…)
Each thought a loaded weapon against a weak defense (More fighting)
Guilty, charged, walking the winding path (Coming to a general understanding)
To the hangman’s noose (The Pain is all that we know… wanting it together… death)
Together we walk hand in hand (More sex… haha… no it is about moving on)
We’ve always known we’d swing together (A singular idea about relationships… love at first sight… play on words… a play on the idea… a proving how broken they each really are for each other)
All that’s left is to not kill each other  (let’s get back to that sex again)

This may actually seems like a real life story… or based completely on truth… in truth it isn’t… a few things are… but not enough to say that this based on anyone I know… sometimes I just get lazy… or don’t have enough time to write a story… pretty lame explanation I am sure… though I was in a relationship a long ass time ago… that was similar… based purely on what else were we going to do at the time?… toxic is the only way to describe that relationship… sometimes love seem so real… then you look back and think what the fuck was I doing?… 

To me love seems more of the opposite… you should look back and can’t believe you ever got so lucky… can’t believe you are still with that person… there are and will always be up and down in relationships… friends… family… lovers… but if you can look back and smile?… always a good thing… always something worth fighting for… but what the hell do I know… just another asshole among a crowded toilet… speak your peace… think what you need… live life like it matters… take care of yourself… 

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I Am The End Of All Your Dreams…

Today will be a little different from normal… or a lot of the same… depends on how you view my odd writing style… today I answer questions from you… well three of you… I appreciate the three of you very much… the rest of you… the rest of you must have just been too busy… whatever… I get… I have a life too… I think… So lets open up that mail bag and see what we’ve got… (All responses are my own… and do not reflect the thoughts and opinions of those of us that work at Is That A Funeral?… Any allusion to anyone person living or dead… is probably on purpose…)

First question. “Why do you suck?” brought to us by Jesus. 

Well, thank you Jesus… all I have to say to your oh so serious question… Big talk from someone who couldn’t even write their own story… drops the mic… 

Next up we have two questions from Ms. Lemons herself. Fuck The Lemonade if you are nasty.  “How are you?” and “What would you like to drink?”

At the moment I am great… I may or may not have had too much to drink already… I mean I am answering a question from Jesus… but I’m also not running in the streets naked… screaming come and get me while swing a bat at the cops… I just gave away my plans for this evening… damn…  as for what I like to drink… it varies… depending on my mood… and if I have any money… but… Whiskey and ginger ale… is a hit around this homestead… I mean… drinking is bad… how dare you ask me such questions… young lady… wildly inappropriate… or right on target?… so very unsure… next… : )

Question 3 comes from the amazing Lisa @LismorePaper, “Maybe you have said before, but the penguin, is there a story?”

With me there is always a story… haha… sadly this one isn’t very exciting… there is a great debate here at Chewing On Glass… whether I created the image myself or if I found it… I proclaim that I drew it myself… my wife on the other hand believes that I found it… to be honest that makes way more sense… because I can’t draw for shit… I have tried to reverse google search the image… and I can’t find it…  so that leads me to believe that I did it myself… that’s the pretext to this story… 

The penguin… at this point has to be my spirit animal… fun fact I re-watched Fight Club recently and the narrator’s spirit animal also happens to be a penguin… which I must admit made me smile… I don’t know if I have ever mentioned I am a huge fan of Chuck Palahniuk… getting off point… I have always been drawn to Antarctica… or penguins for that matter… maybe it is the subtext of isolation… yet with a family… the idea of an island… the idea that the only way to truly see me is to visit?… so much to unpack there… 

To answer your question though… the penguin became “my symbol” because when I signed up for this website… it was the only image I had on my writing computer… I had every intention to go back and changes it… but I’m pretty lazy… haha… so it became my calling card… the cute amongst the blood… along with the pain… a contradiction of sorts… proving I’m not completely lost… just a little broken…  also Mel really liked it… and as she was an early friend… I let it stay… I was going to change it to the bloody words… or something else that I have worked on… but for all reasons above… why?… 

Digging deep within the bag of questions. We have the one and only… Fox… Over on Low On Juice. “What’s the worst mistake you’ve ever done?”

You are amazing kid… but wow… real dark right out the gate… haha…

My worst mistake… I’ve been thinking about this for the last few days… I mean it could be a couple of things… it could have been have the time I killed that homeless man while his dog watched… should have killed the dog too… I just couldn’t bring myself to hurt something so innocent… : )… that’s a reference to American Psycho… by another one of my favorite authors… Bret Easton Ellis… it could have been dropping out of college… hell it could have been getting married… having a kid… moving to Texas… not killing myself at sixteen because I was bored… the things about mistakes kid… is that they happen… and it doesn’t matter… it is how you handle them that matters… 

Yeah, I dropped out of college… oh well… I went to figure out what I wanted to do… I wanted to do this… could it have been easier with a degree?… doubtful but who knows… was it settling down?… I have a connection with my wife that I don’t have with anyone else in the world… having a kid?… I have a chance of creating the coolest fucking kid in the world… or another asshole.. jury is out… haha… moving to Texas… that one was tough… I gave up a lot for that… looking back though… after I got through all the shit… I have gained a lot… not killing myself… I wouldn’t have met you… hands down… worth living…

Maybe I do nothing… maybe I become the next Stephen King… doesn’t matter… it is about moments… it is about pulling through… mistakes happen… we all fuck up… but riding out the storm…  how you handle it all… that’s what it takes to be a man… to be a woman… to be a person on this earth… shit happens… mistakes happen… life happens… I am far from perfect… but what separates me from what I see… is that I get back up and I try again… I fucking try… at what ever I do… it may seem easy… none of this is easy… 

You can have goals… and you should… but know that the real goal should always be… be the best person you can be… yeah someone else will be more lucky… someone else will have more… some one else will whatever the fuck… end of the day are you the best person you can be?… did you do everything that you are capable of doing?… that’s what people truly judge you on… not your mistakes… you’ve got a good head on those shoulders… keep at it… and you will be fine… don’t linger on the things that don’t matter… if you fuck up make it right… know that you are human… know that we all make mistakes… 

 

Songs for you to hear… because that’s who I am… Vacant Skies by Sparta… The Grudge by Tool.. and The Patient by Tool… I hope you enjoy… 

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Thank you to all that submitted a question… you are awesome… and I thank you from the bottom of my heart… it may seem black and hollow at times… but that is only the way it seems… because of you… it is full of love… and I thank you…

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