Fucking asshole with a face Spewing your toxic shit all over me Who the hell do you think you are No one at all Follow along because I don’t know better Woke to an idea An idea that doesn’t mean shit Respect is a worthless term What am I worth to your overall need Burning down your broken ideas Inhaling this feeling, go away Lost, trapped, where have you been? Is god supposed to mean something To the devil it is all the same An honesty that can’t be hidden Rethink what you believe In a world of lies Stacking shit miles high Stacking piles of you all along the road Life was worth so much more When it was worth nothing at all
All Worked Up
Shaking your ass like no one gives a shit Blind to your own pain Take away all the anger Only left with shame How I’ve longed to feel the same Centerfold for all my hate Spreading your ass like no one means a thing Numb to your own vanity Took away all the essence Of a being My heart was sold on a first glance Sold my soul for a taste Need a name, registration Living under the tree of your needs The blood flows through the roots Extension of an idea The tension is killing me Each gust of wind pushing harder Digging out my own grave Fall into the silence of an endless existence Bodies piling up in the corner I thought you should know They’re all for something more Worship, adore, used, useless Distasteful way of saying I’ve saved the best for last
Another poem about work?… yeah fuck that place… not sure what about work… but I don’t need a reason to be pissed off about that place… I mean they want me to interact with these walking asshole and be happy about it?… as if… Work isn’t that bad most days… that was hard to type… it really isn’t… I could be doing worse things… what they are… I’m not sure… but if I was doing them… I could tell you right away… haha…
Poem 2 is dirty… digging a grave isn’t easy… if you have done it… you know what I am talking about… cheap joke… what you come here for… poem 2 is about a serial killer… or a murderer… the want… the obsession… the dissatisfaction… and the need for more… I didn’t research this in the field… hell I didn’t even mean to write it… Netflix is just over saturated with true crime documentaries… and I have a want… an obsession… a dissatisfaction… and a need to watch them all…
That there hasn’t been any new post for When There Is No More Room…. and basically after this one there won’t be… Some shit came up… but unlike the last year or so… this shit was all positive… It also has kind of hindered a lot of my plans for the rest of the year… but I’m excited about it so that is something… I started working on my next novel… because I have started writing my next novel… I lost interest in finishing a failed one…
For those of you who really enjoyed When There Is No More Room... I am sorry… I wanted to finish it… I fought the last couple of weeks to get it done… but honestly my heart isn’t there… I’m sure many of you could feel it on the last couple of post I did for it… if you didn’t I am glad… I wasn’t trying to phone anything I wrote in… in my head though it felt like I was… the plan was to just push through it… get it done… and on the next project… have it all fully written and fleshed out… something I didn’t do for When There Is No More Room…
Well kind of… I had doctor parts from a failed third book from years ago… but that was it… even they had to be rewritten and worked… the rest was just me sitting down at the computer… thinking how do I kill people?… pulling stories from my ass… and I thought that would last until the end… turns out I didn’t have anything more to pull out of my ass… by about mid way… I didn’t hate No More Room… I felt like I came up with some pretty great stuff in the beginning… maybe some stuff I’d like to go back to at a later date… but for the most part it did what it needed to do for me… and that was get me writing again… get me interested in writing stories again… which it has…
Many… if not all… of you are writers… not all are novelist or have any interest in writing a novel… there are a lot of ups and downs… a fuck ton of false starts… and a million ideas that don’t lead to no where… then you have to write the fucking thing… don’t even get me started on editing… I hate editing… takes too god damn long… and if you do it right… by the time you are done editing… you are pretty much at the point of fuck this piece of shit… why did I ever think that I could write in the first place??… maybe that last part is me… : )
So I am excited to get that going… but I am also bummed that I didn’t finish No More Room… I will however post the original ending… how it was meant to end… I did have that written from before… I will drop that below this excuse… I also have some fun facts to share about the project… I will post that at the end as well… again I apologies that I didn’t finish the story properly… and I thank those of you who stuck with it…
I Think We Are Alone Now
“I’m scared Chris do we really have to be here so late? Couldn’t we have come earlier in the day?” She asks pressing against me. I’m scared too, but I don’t let her know that. “Don’t be scared baby. I just wanted to show you around that’s all,” I tell her. “You’ve been here before this late?” She asks. “Of course I have,” I tell her as we sneak up the dilapidated stairs. “Don’t give me that look,” I don’t even look at her, but even in the dark I can tell she has one on her face. “Well who were you here with last?” She asks rather loud. She stops in her tracks. “Are you serious right now?” I whisper. “I just want to know who you were here with last? What’s her name?” She asks even louder. “Baby, I wasn’t here with only one person. My friends and I used to come here all the time. I told you that before,” I whisper. The sound of shuffling feet comes from nowhere. We grab each other tight. “What was that? Is this place really haunted? Didn’t something happen in the 50’s?” she whispers in fear.
I listen for any more sounds and I don’t hear anything. I pull on her gently to continue going up the stairs, “Some people say they hear voices of past patients, but I’ve never heard anything like voices here.” We climb one more flight of stairs and I slowly open the door at the top. We sneak our way into the hallway. “Can we just go already? I don’t like it here at all. It feels really cold for some reason,” she whines. “We already climbed the stairs and the really cool stuff is up here. Stand closer to me and you will warm up. This building is super old and it is a cold night. Imagine being one of the patients?” I ask her. She doesn’t say anything. “There is only a few things I want you to see and then we can go?” I kiss her on the cheek. “There wasn’t anything cool you could have shown me on the first floor?” She asks in a worried voice. “No, the really good stuff is on this floor. This is where they had some of the patients and the shock treatment equipment,” I can’t hide my excitement.
“I don’t think we should be messing with that stuff,” she pleads. “Oh, don’t worry no one’s around so, no one is going to care. It will be fun I promise. Plus you said you wanted to see it,” I remind her. “Really starting to regret agreeing to any of this. I hope we don’t hear anything scary up here,” she says. “Why afraid you’ll scream and wake everyone up?” I ask jokingly. “Haha, like I care about that,” she says mockingly. “Well you should,” I say in a creepy voice. “They kept some serious freaks here. Nearly anyone in this region the state thought were to broken to put in jail,” I tell her. “Why didn’t they just kill them then?” She asks. “You shouldn’t talk like that. What if you piss one of them off?” I ask. “What if I do? It’s not like they can do anything about it?” She states. “Can we just go a little bit faster? I’m only being cautious because this building is pretty old,” I tell her. “So this place isn’t safe?” She asks surprised.
“Great so you’re putting my life at risk? This is one hell of a date,” she whines. “This is a date?” I ask confused. “Seriously?” she shakes her head. “At this rate you’d be lucky if I even admit to knowing who you are after this,” she warns. “Sorry, I thought we were only hanging out. I didn’t realize it was a date. I didn’t even think you were really that in to me,” I stop to tell her. “And if you had known?” She asks. “Well I wouldn’t be trying to impress you right now with how brave I am. I would have taken you to a much more romantic place then this shit hole,” I tell her. “Well how about we get out of here and do just that?” She asks staring into my eyes. I lean in to kiss her on the lips. With my eyes close I hear her words. “Do you smell that?”
I stop leaning and smell around us, “All I smell is you.” A look of horror comes across her face, “It smells like fresh cigarettes. I think someone is up here.” I put my hands on her shoulders, “Didn’t you see all that dust and ash coming up here? It has been sometime since anyone has been up here.” She starts shaking. “You shouldn’t be here,” a voice says from behind us. “What the fuck,” she screams as she runs back down the hall way. I turned to see where the voice is coming from. “There’s no one there,” I say out loud. “I know,” she screams behind me. “But there is no one there,” I say to myself to paralyzed to move. The smell of cigarette smoke washes over me, “I said you shouldn’t be here.” The sound of shuffling feet fills the hall way, but no one is there. “Do you have an appointment?” the voice asks as I black out.
This was a long ass post… probably should have made an appointment for your time… yeah that was bad… so as promised fun facts about this story… some lose ends tied up as well…
Fun Fact... The title of this story comes from the tagline of my favorite movie of all time… “When there is no more room in hell the dead shall walk the earth”... Any guesses?… hopefully none… but it is from Dawn of the Dead (1978)… If you caught that early one… you might have guessed the ending… if not then it was just something fun for me…
Lose end… So originally this whole thing was going to be my third book… doctor… patient… back and forth… I tried to do a smaller version here on the website… basically everything that the doctor was saying was after they all died because he was trapped in “hell”… reliving every day he had to work at the shit box asylum… the patient stories all took place before the fire… or before they all died…
Fun Fact… the doctor bitching about the facility was the real killer… not him… he honestly wanted to help them… fought to keep the place up and running… tried to get them the help he believed he could provided… but the state was like fuck’em… so we was waging a war on all fronts… which broke his mind… then he died… because the shit building fell apart somehow… I didn’t have that part worked out yet… that’s a twofer…
Lose end… the doctor and his brother… that plot thread was an add on from the beginning… so years ago… I believe I hinted at it here in the smaller story… I was going to take it out… but just as I did then… I liked the idea that the doctor had a reason for being a doctor… also the back and forth between him and his brother was interesting to me… something I needed to work out… didn’t… and now it is like what the fuck?… it had a bigger overall theme in the original…
I think that was it… Did you catch all the weird 50’s or earlier references in the patient’s stories?… if you have any questions?… are pissed that I didn’t finish it?… don’t give a shit?… or just want to say hi?… leave a comment at the bottom… for those of you who cared… I hope this was at least something to put an end to the story for you…
A place I once knew A thought I thought Understood by only me This is for everything you’ve done Everything you’ve become A nightmare I once knew A thought I thought Understood by no one This is for everything you’ve written Everything you’ve become A heart I once knew A thought that over takes me Understood you’d understand This is everything you’ve meant to me Everything I thought you were Take the breath right out of me Took the words out of my soul Taken everything I used to be
Does any of it matter?
A break between the waves Air, water, food the rest is pointless Conditioned to believe I’m doing the right thing Sacrifice, suffer, endure only a symptom A schism from underground Realizing now the end was never the point The present was always the tomb
If none of it ever did?
The devil’s making her way inside Her cape draped, drips with crimson The genius that it is A flashing image of imagination A reality stuck in my head Why is it we question anything that is said? Why is it we want to be lead so blindly? God told me once, said some shit about shutting the fuck up The secrets we’re never meant to be spoken Only thought about in the darkness of the mind The dark ages such a lovely time Truth spread like a plague, killing all of those who said The age of information, the day of reckoning around the corner A sin with nothing to say Are you, is anyone ever prepared for the truth? Are you, is anyone willing to? Dancing blindly in the dark The world was never yours What give you the belief heaven is any different? Her trail of crimson grows with every step
Dying inside is a solitary burden.
No one tries to take anything from you They just did Selfish and selfless Explain the meaning and tell me the difference To get something from nothing And make it last Has to be the hardest of all A diamond in a sea of shit Shinning but muted Explain the meaning and tell me the difference
Really need to change this image… need to do a lot of things… won’t go into a long rant right now… not really up to it… just trying to get through the day… feeling lazy… well I’m feeling like I want to take on a million things… and nothing at all at the same time… does that makes sense?.. yeah… I don’t get it either…
My shame burned into my face Feeling the words more than I want Stabbing you deep inside me A feeling that means so much Only for a moment in time Forever locked away This is the land of opportunity Each level requires registration Skin and blood have much in common In that they are never enough The color isn’t black and white Off color green, dead beliefs burned into Everything we say Nothing matters when you are free Up on a cross to get away Crucifixion means more than We’d like to believe A faith in nothing leaves only a lost feeling Take what you can get Shape it into something Turn it into freedom, chains dangling at your feet Unbroken chains we pay to escape Nothing ever goes away Doesn’t matter what you believe Everything will always be Just out of reach
Running Out of Ink
Trapped in a parasitic existence
Looking into the eyes of those you hurt
Future unavoidable, forever left failing
Doing it right is doing it wrong
Giving it everything is all that we know
Trapped, left incomplete, purpose
Reasons never explained
Always pushed in our faces
Have we, could we, hold me
The truth is there is no reason
Hard to swallow a shallow existence
Doing it wrong is doing it right
Fall in place marching to your death
Same as me, same as the rest
A million progressions going every way
Tracing a path to the same place
Ink foaming at the mouth
Spitting blood, are you sick?
Living with it
Future wrote before it has been read
How does it feel to be so human?
What does it matter if it never mattered?
Questioning everything to do with
I’m really proud of the first one… I almost saved it for submissions… but fuck it… I’m sure it would just be rejected like everything else… I don’t like to brag or think that I am this great writer… but… there are some great lines in this one… The first part is weird… a lot of weird phrasing about how I hate my job and station in life at the moment… Then a bunch of lines about how the world is trying to fuck me… no matter how hard I fight it… or you fight it… or anyone… because no matter where you are in life… the next step is just as hard… if not harder than the last one… so enjoy it now because it is only going to suck more tomorrow…
So what the fuck does that mean?… give up?… fight harder?… it means whatever the fuck you want it to mean… we are all at different levels… some of us want to go to the top…. some don’t… but don’t let the dream fool you into believing everything will be better if… yeah if… if I had this… if I had that… if I was there… if I had done this… If is whatever you want it to be… we are all chasing it… but none of us ever catch it… ask around… if we get the time we can all cry about it later… such is life…
Poem 2… was originally called Existence… it was kind of lame… it was similar in tone as the last one… except with having to do with the outside world… it had more to dealing with the one in my head… Kind of a full day for me… I get all worked up about the outside self… calm myself down… and start thinking about how fucked up I am on the inside… how I’m not good enough… how I’ll never get any where in life… doing everything right is doing it wrong… because no matter what I do… still in the same place…
From here it is a basic downward spiral… that’s my day in condensed form… really though I’d say it is more like a heart rate monitor… up and down at a rapid speed until the end of the day where it is more like this………….^…………………
I’m sure an image would have been much easier to understand… but I like making you work for it… haha… there’s no good transition to end this… so that was that… I guess… Ambrose out… no… that was pretty lame… hope all is well…
Get over it as they say Killing off, cutting off the dead limbs The misery, the pain Burning down the village of the damned Taking everything I deserve Worked harder than I care to admit For nothing at all Big ass smile, fucking let down Watching the flames burn higher and higher The stench more than anyone can handle Move the fuck away from me Haven’t you ever seen someone Trying to kill themselves for your pleasure?
Face down… ass up… looking for the sun…
I know because I’ve heard before Thought I could hide my intentions For eons I’ve done nothing right A promise I couldn’t keep Lies stitch together my very soul God was right they’re all destined to fail How could I, a fallen angel, have not known Jealousy courses through their veins Hate and anger a diet they must consume No one ever pauses to question Who creates something so awful and calls them their children? A beaten corpse with no name Resurrection after resurrection same every time Broken prophecy filled with truth False hope fills my soul An answer I’ll never come to understand
At the end of days everything will be much of the same… only different…
Through the darkness I can see the future Much darker than now Who am I to complain Existence is existence None the less Bitching my way to death A threat left empty handed What the hell else was I to do To live is to die Same as it ever was A broken promise left on paper Digital age took over So I guess I really am all alone
It is starting to get warmer here in hell… and fuck I hate it… going to have to go back to writing in the nude… it doesn’t help the ideas flow but it doesn’t stop them either… I hate the heat… can only strip down so far… haven’t found away to strip away my flesh… well I mean I have but I’m going to need some help… In the mean time all I am left with is to suffer… same as it ever was I guess… No idea where I was going with this… the sweat is getting in my eyes and I can’t think… that feeling when that one bead of sweat runs from your armpit and down your side… shiver… bring on the ice age already… it is too hot to make any sense…
A bloody feeling touching finger tips Hints of a reason Scene of the crime A broken heart with no life Stabbing pains in my side What has it been Days, weeks, months I don’t care The thought only grows A sick feeling inside my head If only I could I know that I would Desperation and a fucked up feeling Tell me one more time So I can remember Slipping through the cracks Concrete floor never felt so soft Until they left me bleeding on the floor Death rattle shaking A cold wave washes over everything
Scratching at the surface only to dig deeper
Bleeding under the stars Isn’t any different than not Feelings become lost In so much shit Said I cared when I didn’t Said I didn’t when I did I’m a confused asshole What do you want me to say When no one believes me any way Rats will rule this world Becomes okay, is ok Past tense so subversive Predictable predictions on how this would be I missed the boat, yeah that’s me Digging a grave at sea
One for the money… Two for the turn around and go home…
Worn down after the years of abuse The teeth tell a story Buried in the concrete Age not in the thought But in the heart Taking what is left Buried upon the surface Paint the blood on your skin Drying along the scars A map of your abuse Screaming obscenities Words that remind me of you What it means I don’t know What it does I don’t know How it feels How it ever was Drowning in the thoughts Pouring out of the skin Pressure releasing all the lies Tell me one more time How you’d like to watch me die
Someone is always better
Slipping down a path made of sin The piss feels like rain from here Choking to keep throwing up It isn’t hell if it is home It isn’t hell if it is all you know Jamming it down my throat to see how it feels Stuck, shifting gears into another thought The mud isn’t dirt but shit Drowning in a sea of all of this Asked for forgiveness but only wanted a reason Thought I was full of nothing Come to find out I just have too much to say The lines blend together when you line them up Broken threads in a stream of consciousness It isn’t hell if it feels like home It isn’t hell if it is all that I want to know Fucking useless conclusion A feeling I lost looking into the abyss Staring into nothing along A deep dark hole made of deceit Love the feeling even if it only brings need
“All you ever do is write.” “Correction… all I want to do is write… there is a difference…” That didn’t go over so well… so I’m off to spend time with my family… Black Yoshi going to paint ever track with your blood… game on ladies… : )
The razor blade digs into my side A contraption meant for something else Reusing useless item to make a point
The absence of your insignificance
Spitting the venom foaming at the mouth I loved you so much that I wish I was dead Standing at the crossroads of crucifixion A place that meant so much before Words carry no weight Cliched, depraved edition of everything said Spinning in circles looking for something that isn’t there A long ass sentence with no point Left alone so long ago Abandoned to the point no one knows Lost in time and space All the ideas we decided to create
Selfishness and everything I strive to be
Hung over, fractured skull Left regretting mistakes Still processing all the shame Brain on fire and only one to blame Stand still, watching the world spin Slowly becoming, sober
Flesh from the bone… heart torn from the soul…
The flames of despair are flaring up again Taking away any confidence I may have had Searching the world for my ego Stealing from all those around me Demented dimensions of disproportionate thoughts Shattered shadow slowly dying in the dark Lost everything when I lost you Took away anything I thought I had A talent for noticing how fucked up I am My will sways in the wind Broken branches littering the ground Up routed and so far from where I began Where do I go Standing before a fork in a destroyed road No path free from your corruption No path that hasn’t already been worn down Sell my soul for a little peace A thoughtless thought that haunts me
Burning through my notes at an unusual pace… honestly trying to clear most of this mess off my desk… move on to something new… I’d love to start working on my novel… well I have but I have been at an impasse… Been too lazy… collecting excuses… collecting pages of distractions… Been so long I’m starting to forget what it was even about… not a good sign… figure it all out in time… everything in time I suppose…